Naruto: Game of the Year Edition
by Majin Hentai X
Summary: When Naruto was killed, he was expecting a lot of things. What he wasn't expecting, was to find out that his entire life is a video game. Trapped in an endless cycle of death and rebirth, Naruto can only wonder: Why is this happening? Who caused this? And how do I get out of the Game Of The Year? Naru X Harem. Based off of Chibi-Reaper's Naruto The Videogame, with his permission.
1. What do you Mean Game Over

Majin Hentai X bringing you chapter one of my new fic I own no copy written or trademarked materials

normal speech "Is life so cruel to take my sight"

_Thoughts 'On the day of the naked supermodel parade.'_

**greater being / Writing " Oh hell yeah so says I Murphy"**

Techniques "Uchiha style eye theft no jutsu"

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Chapter one: What Do You Mean Game Over  
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Naruto's breathing was heavy, labored, stifled. He inhaled deeply before looking at the fallen form of Uchiha Sasuke. "I win… teme. Sakura-Chan. wants you back." He stumbled to his prone body…  
SHINK! Naruto screamed in agonizing pain as he fell to the ground, tendons in his legs slashed. Kabuto held up his bloody scalpels, glasses shining eerily.

"How did you like that… Naruto-kun?" he grinned. Naruto's eyes flashed red, demonic chakra boiling through his body as the tendons connected back together with a horrible SNAP! Kabuto grinned.

"Ah, ah, ah. No recovery for you, Naruto-kun. Gogyo Fuin!" The traitorous medic-nin slammed his hand on top of the seal, blocking the restorative effects of the Kyuubi. Naruto felt the fox scream as it's consciousness faded. Kabuto walked slowly over to Sasuke's prone body, waving a glowing green hand over the wounds. Once all the patchwork was done, he placed a soldier pill in his mouth, then stroked his throat in order to force-feed him. Sasuke's eyes shot open with a start, looking around wildly. Kabuto smirked pushing up his glasses.

"Orochimaru would not be pleased if you had failed in your escape. He sent me as reinforcements, if you will." He looped the Uchiha's arm around his shoulders, gesturing at Naruto's crippled form. "Do you seek power Sasuke?"

"More than anything…" Sasuke gasped. Kabuto handed him a kunai with an exploding tag.  
"Then finish the job." Kabuto helped the stumbling Uchiha over to Naruto's body. The last Uchiha grinned a tired, maniacal grin as he jammed the kunai deep into the fellow ninja's chest. he lit the exploding tag.

"Don't worry, Naruto. Your death will further my revenge!" the Uchiha crowed as the two stumbled away towards Otogakure and Orochimaru.

Naruto's thoughts were sluggish. His mind was clouded. The only thing he could truly focus on was the deep and agonizing pain in his chest. _'No… I can't… I can't die here… I…'_ the fuse reached the very end of the tag. "Sorry… Sakura-Chan…" he whispered.  
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! The explosion was visible all the way from Konoha. Kakashi looked up at the ball of fire and felt a lead stone drop into his stomach.

"Oh, god… oh, god no…" he whispered, horrified. His pace increased tenfold as he sprinted with all his might towards the cloud. "Please… please let me be on time… just once, let me be on time…" with a flying leap, Kakashi landed in the valley of the end next to a burnt corpse. He looked at it with horrified eyes as he saw what remained of an orange jumpsuit. He sank to his knees. "No… oh, god… not again… sensei… Obito, Rin… I lost another… why… I could have helped…" he closed his eye, tears leaking out as his brain second-guessed itself._ 'I could have done something… I could have trained him… I could have given him a better home… I could have ignored Sasuke…'_ this train of thought continued on as the Jounin picked up the charred corpse, and began the slow, miserable walk back to Konoha.

Naruto reformed in a bright flash of light in darkness, eyes still dazzled by the split second of orange fireball he had seen before his death. He looked around. "Where am I? am I dead?" he shook his head. "Nah, I'm not dead. This doesn't look anything like heaven. There are waterfalls, all-you-can-eat ramen buffets, and hot, scantily-clad girls in heaven. So, where the hell am I?" suddenly, big, bold blue letters appeared floating in the air. If Naruto had any eyes, they would have blinked in surprise. "What the…?"

**Game Over! You Lose! **The words spelled out. Naruto stared.

"Huh?" a strange sound greeted his ears as a picture of a chibi version of him slurping up ramen appeared as small sentences scrolled down from the 'top', wherever that was. The sentences moved fast, and Naruto was hard-pressed to read them all.

**Score:**

**Age: fourteen; 140 points**

**mastered:**

**Henge: 10 points (bonus 10 points for improved variation)**

**Kawarimi: 10 points**

**Tree-walking: 10 points**

**Water-walking: 10 points**

**Kage Bunshin: 50 points**

**Defeated Haku: 50 points**

**Defeated Kiba: 50 points**

**Learned: Rasengan: 100 points**

**Acquired toad summons: 100 points**

**Defeated Neji: 50 points**

**Defeated Sabaku no Gaara: 150 points**

**Defeated Kabuto (1): 100 points**

**Earned precious person: Tsunade: 100 points**

**Evaded Akatsuki (1): 10 points**

**Subtotal: 950 points**

**Used Kyuubi chakra (5): -50 points**

**Ignored Hinata: -20 points**

**Lost precious person: Haku: -25 points**

**Needlessly antagonized Konoha citizens (195): -195 points**

**Failed preventing Orochimaru's cursed seal: -110 points**

**Lost precious person: Sandaime: -100 points**

**Failed preventing Sasuke defecting: -50 points**

**Failed to recapture Sasuke: -100 points**

**Killed by Sasuke: -100 points**

**Died in battle: -200 points**

**Died a virgin: -1000 points**

**Broke nindo (2): -1000 points**

**Subtotal: -2950 points**

**Final total: -2000 points. Rating: Loser! You suck!**

**Karma: positive: inspiring martyr**

**Negative score! Unlocked Dobe Naruto!**

**Gaara defeated! Unlocked evil Naruto!**

**Academy failed three times! Iruka befriended! Unlocked Naruto-sensei!**

**Oroike jutsu created! Unlocked Naruko!**

**Inspiring martyr karma! Unlocked Inari Naruto!**

"…I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this is hell." Naruto said in a deadpan voice as he stared at the 'screen' of stats, for that was what it was. "So, hell is where your life is treated like a video game? That's not so terrible, I guess…" he muttered. He was silent for a bit before exploding.  
"GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMMIT! HOW THE HELL DID I END UP IN HELL! I PUT UP WITH THOSE SORRY SONUVABITCHES FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE, I'VE NEVER RETALIATED ONCE, I'VE BEEN THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING EPITOME OF FUCKING KINDNESS, AND I END UP IN FUCKING HELL! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU Kami!" He ranted. He never noticed until he was out of breath and panting, that the screen of stats had changed into something different. Floating in front of him were two giant blocks, one with **YES **stamped on it and one with **NO. **Between them was one ominous word.

**Continue? **Naruto scratched his head.

Is… is this, my reincarnation or something? Err, well… I thought this was a given." He reached out and pushed the block with **YES **on it. A chime rang out of nowhere, and Naruto jumped in shock. "What!"

The screen melted away, and four new blocks formed in the air. Naruto scratched his head. "Man, this is starting to look more like a video game every second… wish I had enough money to buy one… maybe I'd know what to do if I did…" he squinted at the four blocks.

**NEW GAME**

**LOAD GAME**

**EXTRAS**

**OPTIONS**

**HELP**

"Hmmm…" Naruto stroked his chin. "Uh, what did the other kids do…? Load game?" he tapped that block. A loud buzzer sounded, and Naruto leaped a good foot in the air.

**ERROR! NO SAVED GAME DATA! **Scrolled the screen, Naruto growled in annoyance.

"Damn… there goes that idea…" he tapped his chin. "Well, since I have no idea what the hell's going on…" he tapped the block reading **OPTIONS**. The screen melted away to new blocks. He tapped one reading** HELP**. "That looks like a good place to start…" A number of blocks with various topic written on them appeared in front of Naruto. He tapped on the oner makred 'save game'.

**SAVE GAME**  
_To save your game, must first find a save point. These save points are scattered all around the world, and often very well-hidden. When you save your game, you will be given the option to restart from that point in your game when you die._ Naruto scratched his head.

"It's starting to sound like my entire LIFE is a video game, and not just my death… man, that's something that'll screw with your head. Your entire life is a video game." He shuddered. "Better not tell anybody that, or they'll lock me up forever. I'll just have too keep this to myself. He pushed the block reading **BACK, **and Naruto was back at what he was starting to call 'main screen'. He tapped the first block. The screen melted, and a chibi version of him as a baby, sucking his thumb appeared on the side. Naruto blinked.  
"Wow. That's… I don't even know what to say to that." He looked back up at the screen, where there were three blocks.

**SAVE FILE 1**  
**SAVE FILE 2**  
**SAVE FILE 3**

"Eh. I don't really care anymore." He tapped the first block. The screen melted yet again, and a door appeared in front of him, he blinked. "Cool." He opened up the door, and stepped into the next room. "Whoa… cool."  
The entire room was filled with statues of himself, he grinned. "This is worse than Gai's glorified masturbation with Lee." He peered around, and noticed something. Almost, if not all of the statues were a pale, lifeless color, and chained to the ground. "Okay… I guess this is one of the video game's things…" he strolled past them, reading the name plaques on a few. "Demon Naruto, Puppet Master Naruto, Naruto the third, Uchiha Naruto…" he snorted. "Become one of those stuck-up pricks? Snowball's chance in hell of that happening. Senju Naruto, Hyuuga Naruto, Naruko…" he stopped in his tracks and backpedaled to the previous statue. "Naruko!" he looked up at the statue. There, on the statue, was his Oroike jutsu form, plus clothing. Only, instead of being like all the other statues, this one was a vibrant color, had light shining down from the ceiling on it, and was _moving_. He blinked. Yes, the statue was walking in place. "The hell…?" he tapped the statue, only for his hand to pass straight through it. "Wha!" Naruto fell flat on his ass as the statue of the girl disappeared, and was replaced by stats.

**Strength: low**  
**Intelligence: medium**  
**Chakra: very high**  
**Control: very high**  
**Description: as the only daughter of Uzumaki Kushina and Namikaze Minato- **

"Is that my mother's name? And my father… where have I heard that name before…" Naruto said, in the middle of reading. He smiled a slow smile. "Uzumaki Kushina… my mother…" he looked back up and continued to read.

**As the only daughter of Uzumaki Kushina and Namikaze Minato, Naruko was the only child recently born when the Kyuubi attacked. As a result, her father used her as the target of the forbidden technique, ****Shiki Fuin****. The technique stole his life and soul, in exchange for placing the demon fox in his daughter. **Naruto scratched his head.

"Wait, what? I thought the Yondaime did that… is there a different sealing person with this character?" He shrugged. "Ah, well. I'm not gonna pick that anyway. It'd feel weird to not have my junk." He looked back up.

**Naruko is an Avatar more suited to complex and powerful jutsus than physical fighting. As a girl, she is frailer than most other avatars. Requirements: create the Oroike jutsu. Unlocked! Use this Avatar? **Naruto looked at the statue and the block with the word **YES **at the bottom, before looking at the rest of the statues.

"So, these things are called avatars? Okay… I have a name for them now." He looked again at the bottom, noting the 'requirements'. "Yeah… I do remember seeing something like that on the stat screen. So, the ones that are alive-looking are unlocked?" he looked around. "Then that means that the ones that aren't moving and are chained and stuff are locked… cool." He continued on from the girl form, and towards another pillar of light in the room. On the way, he stopped and looked at one of the 'locked' statues. "Rinnegan Naruto?" One look at the body had him grinning. "Oh, hells yes! I am SO unlocking this! This thing is bad ass!" he tapped the statue of him with circles surrounding his pupils, wrists covered in spikes and dark flaming overcoat.

**Strength: ultra-high**  
**Intelligence: high**  
**Chakra: impossibly high**  
**Control: very high**  
**Description: as his father, Namikaze Minato sacrificed his life to contain the Kyuubi, the Shinigami, recognizing the boy as the child of prophecy, granted him the gift of the Rinnegan, the doujutsu of the gods. Rinnegan Naruto is a child prodigy, excelling at everything he does, mastering Justus in weeks what took other men years. This Avatar is very jaded, and does not easily make friends. **

**Requirements: defeat the criminal group 'Akatsuki'. **Naruto's grin slipped.

"Aw, crap. I gotta beat all of 'em? And Orochimaru was one of them? Shit, not getting THAT one in a long time. But I am SO going after that!" he grinned again and continued to walk. He next one brought a smile to his face. "Standard Naruto…" he grinned up at the moving statue of himself.

**Strength: medium.**  
**Intelligence: low.**  
**Chakra: ultra-high.**  
**Control: low.  
****Hovering just below average in everything but Chakra control, which is low indeed, and Chakra reserves, which are phenomenal, Basic Naruto has a lot of his work in his future if he wants to become Hokage. Hint: try focusing on raising chakra control to start, as it pays off with ****big**** benefits if you improve it fast enough.**  
**Requirements: none. **

Naruto grinned. "Why mess with what works? Besides, this is the best way to figure out what the hell's going on." He tapped the block beneath the statue, confirming that yes, he would use this as his Avatar. The statue disappeared in a ball of light, and Naruto was sucked into it. "Whoaaaa!" the ball disappeared, and the Hall of Avatars was quiet once more.

He thumped into a big blue box. "Ow! That hurt!" he rubbed his head, gaining a large lump already as he looked around. "What the hell…?" he looked down and flinched. "WHAAAA! WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS!" his feet had no hold on the ground, and he was hovering over what looked like the Hokage monument. He waved his arms around wildly, before he noticed that his arms were see-through. "WHAAA!" he looked down. "I'm see-through! AHHHH!" he ran around in circles for a few minutes, before realizing that he still had no idea what the big blue box he had ran into was. He 'walked' over to it and poked it. It exploded outwards, and a single sentence with two boxes flew out of it.

**Equip special items/jutsus? YES/NO. **Naruto scratched his head.

"Err… I have no idea what they're talking about, so I'll pass." He pressed **NO** and the box disappeared. He jerked forward as he flew through the air. He stared at his hands as they shrank smaller and smaller, becoming chubbier and chubbier. "WHAAAA!" Naruto screamed, before realizing he had just cried like a baby. He looked down, and saw that his features were getting continually smaller and more baby-like. He shot through a wall, before jerking to a stop, in front of a screaming red-haired woman, obviously pregnant, and two men in front of her. Naruto realized, with a start, that he was watching his own birth. The man who looked like a doctor had his hand near her unmentionables while the blond-haired man next to her talked to her.

"C'mon, Kushina, breathe! C'mon, baby, breathe! You're fine!" the woman looked at the doctor. "Kushina, look at me. Don't look at the doctor, look at me. c'mon, Kushina, you can do this." With a final scream, the woman who was obviously his mother pushed out a small, squealing infant. Naruto felt a tug on his navel as he was sucked into his baby body. "Yipe!" was his final word before he was sucked into the body.

The very first thing that he noticed was that it was _FRICKIN' COLD!_ Naruto screeched involuntarily at leaving the warm place as he was slapped once on the butt by the doctor, dangling from a leg as he was handed to the blond-haired man, who he assumed was his father, Namikaze Minato. The man grinned like a lunatic as he held his child.

"Look, Kushina! Look! Isn't he beautiful? Isn't Naruto the most beautiful boy ever?" he looked over at his (Naruto assumed) wife with happy eyes. Naruto watched as those happy eyes turned horrified as his wife was not moving. "Kushina…? KUSHINA? KUSHINA!" Naruto was almost dropped on the bed as Minato flung himself at the woman, shaking her arms. "C'mon, Kushina, wake up! Wake up! You've gotta see the most beautiful boy in the world! Ours! Come on, wake up!" the doctor put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Minato-sama. She's gone." The man whirled around, fire in his eyes.  
"NO! she's not gone! You're a doctor, do something!" the doctor shook his head.  
"There is nothing I can do. Her heart gave out on her as soon as the baby was out. I'm sorry for your loss, Yondaime-sama." Naruto choked on his spit as the doctor finished his sentence.

"YONDAIME!" Naruto screamed, although it came out as baby gibberish. "MY FATHER IS THE FUCKIN' YONDAIME!" the Yondaime shuffled over to Naruto, bawling senselessly as he held his baby close to his arms.

"You're all I have left of her… don't leave, Naruto…" Naruto awkwardly patted him on the hand with his baby hands as the Hokage cried his heart out. The Sandaime burst into the room.  
"Minato! Get your ass out here! The Kyuubi's almost here! We've got to get a child ready for the sealing!" The Yondaime sniffed a bit, before his eyes hardened and he stood, Naruto still in his arms.

"Why should I ask a parent to do what I myself cannot do? I'll be there shortly." Sarutobi stared at the child in his arms, and the close resemblance of the two. The Sandaime gaped.

"You…? you have a SON? Since WHEN!" Sarutobi floundered.

"Since just now." Minato smiled.

"Who… who's the mother?" Minato's smile slipped at his predecessor's question.

"Kushina." Minato said in a voice dripping with sorrow.

"Kushina? Wow. I knew you two were dating, but… a son? What's his name?" Sarutobi sputtered his composure destroyed by the surprise and the rampaging Biju waiting outside.

"Naruto." Minato said with pride.

Sarutobi palmed his forehead. "Jiraiya's first book… I should have known." He grinned a tired grin. "Well, shall we be on our way?" the two shunshined out of the hospital room, with a third bundle with them.

The two reappeared and ducked just in time to dodge a flying tree. Minato handed his predecessor Naruto before doing five seals.

"Kuchiyose no jutsu!" a huge cloud of smoke appeared, and Gamabunta was standing in the clearing. The toad boss looked around.

**"Man, this is one helluva fight going on. What is it this time?" **

"The Kyuubi." The Yondaime said. Gamabunta took on a sad appearance.

**"Then, this is goodbye?"** The Yondaime nodded.

"This is our last battle, Gamabunta. This is goodbye." He took the bundle from Sarutobi. "Tell Ero-sensei to watch over Naruto. if he doesn't, I'll hunt him down and skin him like a fish when he dies for not taking care of his godson." Naruto's eyes widened yet again as the Yondaime leaped up to the top of the toad's head. He grinned a feral grin. "C'mon, Kyuubi! Hit me with your best shot!"

"Well. That was a hell of a lot to take in." Naruto said to himself in his baby gibberish as he lay in the cradle, being rocked by the Sandaime in his office. "Ero-senin is my godfather. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. And my father…" he glared up at the Sandaime. "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME MY FATHER WAS THE FREAKIN' YONDAIME!" he leaned back in the cradle, mumbling to himself. "It's not like I'd scream it from the rooftops, or something… wait. Come to think of it, I probably WOULD have screamed it from the rooftops. Never mind!"

Sarutobi chuckled."You've got your mother's temper, Naruto. I still can't believe it… when the hell did they get married? And if I didn't know, then how many other people did?" The wall shimmered, and Jiraiya stepped out from the shadows. A much younger-looking Jiraiya than Naruto remembered, but he would recognize that kabuki face paint anywhere.

"Don't feel bad, sensei. I'm probably one of the few who did know. I was the one who married them." Sarutobi looked up at Jiraiya, eyebrow quirked.

"You can marry people?" Sarutobi asked the toad sage with a raise eye shrugged.

"Being as freakishly strong as one of the three, you get a lot of privileges. But no matter. What did you call me here for?" The Sandaime sighed.

"I have Minato's last message for you." Naruto watched as some of Jiraiya's good nature drain out of him. The man sighed.

"Really? What is it?" Jiraiya said in a sad voice.

"He said that if you don't watch over Naruto for him, he'll hunt you down and skin you like a fish for not taking care of your godson." The Sandaime repeated. Jiraiya stiffened at the words before chuckling.

"I'm a godfather…?" He chuckled again. "Not quite being a father, but this takes the cake." He slowly took out a notebook, scribbled something in it, and put it away. "That gives me an idea for a book. Though I'll probably never make it, since my first one was a flop." The perverted sage sighed.

Minato told me you intended to sex up your next one." The Sandaime chuckled."

Jiraiya grinned."Yep! That's what I'm best at!" the Sandaime chuckled as he took out a bottle of sake and took a swig from it.

"Ero-senin." Naruto muttered. Jiraiya choked on his tongue as the Sandaime did a magnificent spit-take.

"WHAAAAAA!" the two screamed as they crowded Naruto. "Did you just say something!" Naruto looked around, confused.  
"What, you can understand me now? That's odd…" Naruto said as all color drained out of the two's faces. They charged out of the room, screaming at the top of their lungs that Naruto was a genius. A man at the top of the room dropped down with a pillow. Naruto felt a stone in his stomach drop.

"Die, freak of nature!" the ANBU roared as he slammed the pillow over the baby's face. Naruto struggled quite a bit.

"Oh, fuck! No fucking way!" he screamed before the pillow smothered him as the world went white.

It would be the first of countless deaths before Naruto finally found his way out of the video game.

Chapter end  
Author notes well here it is Naruto:Game of the Year Edition chapter one  
So what do you think read and review  
Their will be countless video game references in this story but little to no crossovers unless I feel like it would work out


	2. Of Uchiha's and Power ups

Majin Hentai X bringing you chapter two of Naruto Game of the year addition

I own no copy written or trademarked materials as of yet. Begins drawing a transmutation circle in blood, from a jar marked _Puree of Faust_.

normal speech "My eyes my beautiful ironic eyes"

_thoughts "Cool this is how Murphy sees the world its so ironic"_

**greater being / writing " Who's the Greater being now?"**

Techniques "Author style: Maniacal Gloating no Jutsu"

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Chapter 2: Power ups and Uchiha  
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Naruto panted as he ran from a screaming mob of Uchiha. "Damn! this is worse than before! I don't remember pissing them off THIS much before! What the hell's different this time!?" Naruto had quickly figured out, after quite a few deaths on his birth, that doing anything hugely different from before, generally ended with him kicking the bucket. He was using his Standard form, as it was his most comfortable form, and he had yet to figure out what the hell was going on. By his estimation, (His sense of time had been shot to hell with all of his deaths.) he was probably about five or six. He spared a glance past his shoulder.

"Damn! They're catching up!" he swore again as he pumped his diminutive legs for all the power he could get out of them. He ducked into a nearby alleyway, quickly forming a seal. "Henge!" he poofed into the form of a trash can as the crowd ran past. He released the transformation and breathed a sigh of relief. "whew! That was a close one!" he stroked his chin in thought. "but what could have pissed them off that much? I didn't do anything to them for the past week!" he looked up from his musing and saw something… odd. "huh? What the hell?"

Floating in the middle of the alleyway was a red swirl, not unlike the one that adorned his jumpsuit. He looked around. "uh… is this one of the video game's things?" he tentatively poked at it. The thing exploded into a shower of lights as they all flowed into him. his body jerked at the foreign intrusion. "guh!"

**Strength increase! +1! **Words in the air spelled out. Naruto blinked.

"Huh?" was all he was able to get out before a light around him shined. When the light stopped, Naruto felt… good. Better than good, he felt great! He looked at his arm and saw that a tiny bit of muscle had been added to his malnourished frame. He looked at the sentence floating in the air. "huh… sweet! That's awesome! So, those swirly thingies make me better! Cool!" he grinned. "time to go!" he ran down the alley, feeling better than he had for a long time.

He continued into the street, whistling a jaunty tune, when he heard someone crying. He stopped mid-stride and perked his ear. A boy, probably no more than eleven, chuckled.

"What's the matter? Not going to run away, forehead?" the boy leered. Naruto sucked in a breath through his nose. He knew only one person that would get an insult like that. he looked at the fence in the way of the voice. He leaped up to the top as another voice, a girl, started talking.

"Leave her alone, you big bully! She didn't do anything to you!" Naruto knew that voice. He looked down. On the ground of what looked like a playground, were two girls huddled around a third, with a kid that looked more pit bull than human.

"Yeah! She didn't do anything wrong! Leave us alone!" the second girl shouted. The bully glared at her.

"Shut up! or I'll start doing that to you again!" the girl wilted as Naruto saw red.

'Start doing THAT to her!?' he roared internally as he leaped over the fence, landing in front of the three girls. "Leave them alone, jackass, or I'll beat the hell out of you." Naruto growled as he blocked the bully's progress towards the girls. The bully leered.

"YOU'LL beat the hell out of me? Puh-lease. You couldn't beat a-" whatever the rest of the taunt was, it was never heard as the breath in the bully's lungs rushed forcefully out. Naruto slammed yet another fist into the bully's stomach. The boy stumbled away, wheezing.

"You… you asshole!" the kid roared as he swung a meaty fist at Naruto's face. Naruto bent at the waist and slammed a foot into this gut. The bully went down and didn't come back up. Naruto straightened out of his stance and smiled at the three girls. "he was a jerk, wasn't he?" the third girl looked up at him through tear-stained eyes. Naruto held out a handkerchief he had pilfered from the Uchiha's a few weeks ago. "Here. this will help."

"You beat him up! you're incredible!" the second girl said awfully. She bounced to her feet. "my name's Ino. This is Sakura." She gestured to the girl who had the hankie.

'Sakura…' Naruto felt his heart thump painfully in his chest. he smiled at her.

"And this is Metsuki!" she waved towards the black-haired, black-eyed girl. Naruto knelt in front of her as she cowered away. he stopped his advance.

"It's okay, he's done for. He won't be able to do stuff like that again." Naruto said in what he hoped was a soothing voice. And it was true. He had a personal vendetta against child molesters, whether they were children themselves or not, and he had made that fact painfully clear on the older boy's body. She shyfully nodded. "so, you're Metsuki? That's a pretty name!" he grinned. She blushed as Ino giggled.

"There he is! Get the demon!!" a cry rang out as the Uchiha clan ran into the playground. Naruto's head jerked up as panic crossed his face.

"Oh, shit!" he stood up and began to run. A bottle crashed near his face as booze sprayed behind him.

"Get away from the clan head's daughter, you pedophile!!" a woman in the crowd shouted. He looked around, confused.

"Clan head's daughter? Where?" he looked behind him at the three girls, and his eyes shot open comically. "HER!?!? She's an Uchiha!?" he leaped over the fence as another beer bottle flew after him. "Isn't Sasuke the clan head's son? Then… SASUKE HAD A SISTER!?!?!!??" he screeched. "SINCE WHEN DID SASUKE HAVE A SISTER!?!?" he ran off, away from the crowd.

Metsuki huddled to herself as an Uchiha knelt in front of her. "don't worry, Metsuki-Chan. He won't be able to touch you again." Ino kicked him in the shin. "GAHH!!"

"Why'd you chase off our new friend! You're mean!" she stuck out her tongue at him. the man growled.

"Yamanaka-san, you're a friend of Metsuki-Chan but if you do that again…!"

"Hey, who's this?" another Uchiha pointed at the downed bully. The first Uchiha looked over at the child. "Did the demon do this?"

"Yeah! He was making fun of Sakura's forehead, and he jumped out and beat him up!" Ino declared. The Uchiha blinked.

"The demon… because he made fun of her…?" Metsuki shyly nodded.

"And… he was the one who… did those…" the first Uchiha's eyebrows shot up.

"But…! But…! Haruno-san said it was the demon who did that to you!" Sakura's eyes met his indignantly.

"Hey! I never said that! and stop calling him a demon!" the Uchiha shook his head.

"Not you, your mother said that." Metsuki shook her head.

"He… he was really nice to me… he beat him up, and he gave Sakura his hankie…" the Uchiha mob mumbled among themselves.

"Then, Haruno-san was lying?" "why would she lie about something like this?" "Was she trying to get us to kill the demon?"

"Stop calling him a demon! He has a name, you know!" Sakura shouted. The Uchiha blinked collectively, as if this was a novelty.

"He… does?"

"Yeah! It's… it's…" Sakura trailed off. Ino realized that the boy had never told them what his name was.

"What is his name?"

* * *

Naruto stood with his hands on his knees, panting for breath amid a crowd of market-goers. "haa… haa… haa… I need… to pause… for a break… haa…" he exhaled once and stood, before noticing instantly that something was wrong. Nothing around him was moving. Not the crowd, not the animals, not even the air. "huh?" big blue letters formed in the air. "oh, it's part of the video game."

**Congratulations! You Have Found A Secret! 'Pause'! Simply Say 'Pause' And Time Will Freeze! **Naruto blinked and reread the last sentence.

"Freeze time…? Is that even possible?" he walked around all the people in the market, making faces at them, and occasionally mooning them. Not one of them even so much as blinked. "Sweet!" he grinned. "that's awesome! Now, how do I get out? Errr… unpause?" with a rush of air, the people started moving again. Naruto grinned. "I don't know how any of this is possible, but that is freakin' SWEET!" he grinned and ran off, whistling his jaunty tune.

It wasn't long before trouble found him again. A man stumbled out of a bar, clearly drunk off his ass. "Ahh, blow it out 'hic' your ear! You know you liked it!" he shouted back into the bar, before noticing Naruto. "Well, now! The 'hic' demon's come around! Come for a 'hic' beating?" Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Like you could beat anything right now. You're drunk, mister." The man scowled.

"Brat!" he swung a punch at him. Naruto caught it and bounced it back at the man. The man went flying from his own attack. He landed with a thud. "Now I'm 'hic' mad!"

"And drunk." Naruto quipped. The man swung again. Naruto flicked it upward and slammed into his gut. The man fell to the ground. A wallet rolled out. Naruto picked up the wallet and flipped through the bills. "I'll take this. Don't get drunk before five in the afternoon." And with that sage advice, the boy left.

"Well, I've beaten two people and have a wallet full of money. What now?" he looked around, nothing jumping out at his senses. Ah, well. Guess I'll go home and sleep or something." he shook his head. "nah, to early in the day for that. what to do… what to do…" he looked around, tapping his foot in frustration. "something happen… now!"

"You there!" a voice called out. Naruto's eyebrows shot up.

"wow. There really is a god." He turned around and saw a black haired, black eyed boy, probably no more than ten, running towards him. he stopped right in front of him and bowed, somewhat hesitantly. "on behalf of the Uchiha clan-"

"You're an Uchiha?" Naruto said, bewildered.

"On behalf of the Uchiha clan, we would like to sincerely apologize to…" the boy trailed off as he looked at him with prompting eyes.

"Oh!" Naruto exclaimed, realizing what he was getting at. "Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki!" it was Namikaze, really, but the name had grown on him. the boy nodded.

"On behalf of the Uchiha clan, we would like to sincerely apologize to Naruto Uzumaki for any and all grievances committed today. We would also like to sincerely thank you for protecting the innocence of the head's daughter, Metsuki Uchiha."

"So she really WAS an Uchiha… wow…" Naruto scratched his head, bewildered. "Does she have a brother?"

"two. I am one of them." The boy stated. Naruto's eyes shot open.

"EEEH!? Then you're Itachi!?" the boy tilted his head.

"You know my name? how?" Naruto forced himself to breath normally.

"Oh, nothing, just… heard some people talking about you… heheheh…" he scratched the back of his head sheepishly. Itachi nodded.

"Very well. The Uchiha would like to reward you for your selfless deed with a monetary reward." Itachi held out a bulging sack jingling with coins. Naruto's eyes bugged out as he tentatively took a hold of it, as if it would disappear at any second. The Uchiha genius bowed. "if you'll excuse me." he turned and walked away. Naruto gaped as he slowly opened the drawstring on it. His eyes widened even further as he poured out the silver coins into the palm of his hand.

"Th… this is worth more than three month's of old man's allowance… this is big money…" the money disappeared out of his hand, and without thinking, he lunged after it. "no!"

A ringing sound greeted his ears. Big blue letters formed in front of his eyes, along with a chibi form of gama-Chan opening and closing his purse mouth.

**Gained 1800 Ryo! **Naruto felt gama-Chan grow heavier in his pocket. New letters appeared, along with a chibi of Naruto doing what appeared to be a happy dance. **Quest Completed! 'Protect Metsuki-Chan!' gained: strength! +2! **Naruto felt his body glow as the body enhancers swirl around him. when they were done, he flexed his enhanced muscles.

"I have no idea what that was, but I got money and I got stronger, so it's all good! Oh yeah!" he pumped his fist in the air. "life's good to me now!"

* * *

Naruto hacked up blood as he clutched at his chest, glaring with hateful eyes at Uchiha Itachi. By his reckoning, he was about seven or so.

"Why!? They are your family!!" Naruto screamed. Itachi stared at him coolly, giving no outward reaction to his words.

"To test my capacity." He answered. Naruto growled and charged at him, fist clenched. Itachi merely swept him off his feet, laying his katana across his throat as he hit the ground. "I do not wish to do this to you, Naruto-san, but if you persist in this action…" Naruto spat in his eye. "so be it." Itachi whipped the katana up, intent on slicing him in half.

'Fuck! I had hoped I wouldn't have to do this!' Naruto cursed internally. "Pause!" he shouted. Itachi froze mid-swing. Naruto wriggled away from the frozen murderer. He grinned. "Alright! Time for the smack-down!" he hadn't tried it yet, since he figured it was cheap, but if he froze time, then they couldn't counter-attack if he attacked them. Naruto swung a fist at Itachi's face…

Only for it to glance harmlessly off to the side. Naruto blinked. "Huh?" he swung again, only for his fist to slide off of… something. "What!?" Naruto went into a frenzy of motion, punching, kicking, clawing, scratching. All of his attacks glanced off of what seemed to be an invisible barrier. Naruto stopped and stared. He reached out a tentative finger, as if to poke Itachi. The finger glanced off as if off of ice. "What, so I can freeze time, but I can't touch anyone? That sucks…" he poked one of the Uchiha houses, then one of the kunai Itachi had thrown. Each one was completely normal. "so… I can't touch people? That's… weird." Naruto sat down in a cross-legged position. "Let's see if we can get the bastard fox to help." He closed his eyes and began to meditate.

He instantly appeared in the caged off area. He walked up to the massive cage and began shouting at the sleeping kitsune. "Oi! Bastard! Wake up!" the fox merely lifted it's hand and gave him the bird. "Give me chakra or we both die!"

**"So? It's not like it's forever. After all, I still live on." **The fox growled. Naruto gritted his teeth. He was really starting to regret telling the Kyuubi about his little reincarnation spree. Still, it had felt good to talk to someone about it.

"Oh, yeah? Well… umm…" Naruto really couldn't come up with a way to convince him. "I really need to save Metsuki! He's going to kill her!" the fox's ears pricked slightly.

**"So, Why should I care who your little… whore…" **he trailed off, a slow grin spreading on his face. **"Wait a minute… you're saving her from Itachi… then… she's an Uchiha?" **Naruto nodded, not sure where this was going. The grin got wider. **"Oh, this is good. Is she important?"**

"She's the clan head's daughter!" Naruto shouted. The Kyuubi's grin split his face, before breaking into raucous laughter.

**"The head's DAUGHTER!?!?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" **he grinned. **"That would be one hell of a way to get back at 'him'! He gets me sealed in here, and then the vessel gets it on with his descendant! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" **Naruto grimaced. He had quickly realized, after talking with the fox the first time, that it was an incredibly perverse creature. 'Then again,' Naruto thought to himself. 'If you lived for thousands of years and sex was the only thing that changed, then I guess I would become perverse too.' Kyuubi apparently made up his mind, because he nodded and looked down at him.

**"Alright, gaki. You get your chakra. But if you do… then promise me that you'll tap that with her. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Revenge is a dish best served cold! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" **Naruto opened his mouth to protest, as well as ask who he was revenging himself on, when an orange-red hand shot out and dragged him into the cage.

"AAAAAAHHH!!!"

* * *

Itachi swung the blade, thudding into nothing but earth. He blinked in confusion. "what? Where did he go?"

**"GRAAAAAAAAH!!!" **a demonic shout froze Itachi's blood. his head slowly raised, eyes slowly widening in horror.

"What the hell…!?"

There was Naruto-san, right in front of him. only… there was something horribly wrong with him. he was surrounded by a red aura that was more potent than any killing intent possible from a human. The aura was twisting, spiraling, as if it was alive. And his eyes… they were red, slitted, hate-filled.

They were the eyes of a demon.

Itachi lurched back drunkenly, horrified, as he recognized the feeling growing rapidly in his chest.

Fear. Pure, unadulterated fear. Fear that he had not felt since… since seven years ago, on October tenth. The day that… his eyes widened as he spotted the aura sprout two _tails_ as Naruto gained a bestial crouch. His mouth moved on it's own, terror gripping his heart.

"Kyuubi…"

**"You're half-right." **Naruto said as he lunged at him. his sword was only barely able to block his clawed hands, arm trembling. Itachi shoved him away, staring at the slightly warped spot on his sword where his hands had touched. Naruto had actually _melted_ the katana. He dropped it like it carried the plague as his hand formed seals. Naruto leaped in and smashed the traitor's face in…

Only for it to explode into smoke. **"Kage Bunshin! Where is he!?" **Kyuubi-Naruto growled. A high-pitched scream sounded out across the compound as Kyuubi-Naruto's head jerked up. **"Metsuki!!"** he leaped impossibly high into the air, leaping across the roofs in search of the source.

Itachi had felt the fear of his clone at the change in Naruto, and he knew he had to finish his mission quickly. Perhaps Sarutobi would be able to contain him. he dropped his dead mother and father from his grasp, katana slicked in blood. he slowly advanced on his cowering brother and sister.

"Itachi-nee! Why are you doing this!?" Metsuki said shrilly. Itachi tilted his head slightly, remembering the lie his clone had said.

"To test my capacity. I've lost all hope for this pathetic clan." He said in a monotone while he killed his heart, preparing himself for what he was about to do. He raised his katana…

Before being blind-sided completely by a barreling Naruto, slamming violently into the wall. Metsuki and Sasuke's eyes shot wide-open at the attacker. "Naruto-kun!!" Metsuki screamed. Kyuubi-Naruto glanced over at the two, eyes hard. Metsuki flinched back at the look.

**"GO! get out of here! I'll hold him off!!" **he roared as he was slammed into the roof, breath whooshing out of him. **"Guh!"**

"Not if I have my way!" Itachi cried as he whipped a number of kunai at him. "Kage Kunai no Jutsu!" the ninja knifes multiplied from ten to a hundred. The fox tails merely swatted them out of the air as Kyuubi-Naruto pushed off and headbutted him in the gut. He looked over at the two, who were still frozen in place.

**"I said GET OUT OF HERE!!!" **the two nodded fearfully as they began to run. Kyuubi-Naruto punched Itachi in the gut. **"Good! Now they won't see what I'm about to do!!" **Itachi hacked up blood.

"No… I have to complete my mission…" Kyuubi-Naruto smashed him in the face.

**"I don't give a shit about your damnable mission! I'm ending you right now!!! You traitorous swine!!" **

"You think I want to do this!?" Itachi yelled. "You think I WANT to kill my family!? Everything I've ever done has been in the service of Konoha!" Kyuubi-Naruto stumbled back, stunned.

**"What!? What are **you saying!?" Naruto felt the demonic chakra receding from his system as Itachi closed his eyes and looked away.

"…I have said too much. I must complete my mission!" he shunshined away in a swirl of leaves. Naruto swore.

"Dammit! He's getting away!" he leaped out the hole in the roof as he spotted him running after the two siblings. "NO!! RUN, METSUKI!!!!"

"KAGE KUNAI NO JUTSU!!!" Itachi shouted as he tossed a single kunai. It sprang into ten as it chased the two. A spray of crimson blood shot into the air as the two fell to the ground.

"NOOOOO**OOOOOOO!!!!" **Naruto screamed, his cry turning bestial once again. **"YOU KILLED THEM!!!! GRAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" ** he leaped down at Itachi, fist drawn back. The ANBU captain whirled about, kunai in his hand. Kyuubi-Naruto could do nothing to divert his course as he felt himself get impaled on the kunai. Kyuubi-Naruto coughed up blood as his leap came to a sudden halt. Itachi panted.

"I don't know what you are, but you are the most frightening human I have ever fought. I have not felt fear like that since the Kyuubi attack. But it is futile. The kunai has nicked your heart. You will bleed to death. It is inevitable." Naruto knew this was true, as he heard the fox's screams of rage as it tried in vain to heal the damage. Naruto's arm dropped to his kunai pouch, clutching a kunai.

"If I'm… gonna die… I'm… taking you WITH ME!!!!" he shouted as he swung his arm around and planted the kunai straight into the back of Itachi's head. Itachi burbled slightly, blood seeping from his lips as he sank to the ground, dieing without a sound. Naruto fell to the ground with a bloody thump. "Fuck. I'm screwed."

"NARUTO-KUN!!!!" a female voice screamed. Naruto would have jerked his head up in shock, if he still had control.

"Metsuki…!!" he breathed. The Uchiha girl ran to his side, her shoulder bleeding profusely. "You… you're alive…"

"Of course I'm alive, you dummy… you saved me…" she smiled a watery smile, tears barely beneath the surface. "But Sasuke… he's not moving…" Naruto, with a huge amount of exertion, lifted his arm up and stroked her face. He grinned a bloody grin.

"Heheh… looks like Itachi got us good… never going to become Hokage like this… gonna have to train more…" It was only then that Metsuki looked down and saw the kunai embedded in his chest. her eyes widened in horror.

"Naruto…! you're…"

"It's… just a flesh wound… little something like that?... like that could… kill me…" she shook her head, hair flapping everywhere.

"No… stop talking… please, stop talking… stop!" she collapsed, clutching Naruto's head to her, sobbing. "I… I don't want you to die too… you're my friend!" Naruto's eyes widened, before smiling.

"Thank you… you have no idea what that means to me… thank you…" Naruto closed his eyes. His breathing stilled, and his smile became eternal. Metsuki knew immediately when he slipped away, and she only cried harder.

"No! NARUTO!! COME BACK!!!" she bawled onto his blood-drenched shirt, tears mingling with his life blood. "You… you wanted to be Hokage… but you can't now… so you have to come back!!"

* * *

"Alright, class. We have a new student this year. She's a lot younger than the rest of you, since she's a year ahead, so be nice to her." Iruka said to the academy students. Kiba merely yapped with his dog, Chouji munched his chips, and Sakura and Ino gossiped about who liked who and what was fashionable. "Well? Come on in!" the door slid open. Kiba immediately halted in his yapping and wolf-whistled.

"WHOO-HOO!! Oh, baby! That's what I'm talking about!" He howled. Ino smashed him over the head with her fist.

"Show some respect!" she growled. Yet Chouji had stopped munching his chips and started drooling over himself as Shino's eyebrows rose over his glasses (which was probably his version of asking somebody to marry him).

"No, it's quite all right. I'm used to it from every other boy." The newcomer nodded politely to Kiba. Iruka cleared his throat.

"Alright. Can you tell us your name, your hobbies and your dream, please?" She nodded to the teacher.

"Alright. My name is Metsuki Uchiha-"

"An Uchiha!? WOWZA!!! That's one hell of a pedigree!" Kiba wolf-whistled again. Ino smashed his head again.

"My name is Metsuki Uchiha, I like training, and my dream…" she looked up at the sky. "My dream is to become the Hokage." Iruka did a spit-take in his coffee.

"The Hokage!? Why?" Metsuki smiled.

"Because… a boy who saved my life wanted to be Hokage."

* * *

Naruto reformed in a brilliant flash of light, scowling. "Dammit, died again. Let's see the obituary this time…" the stats began rolling once again.

**SCORE:**

**Age: Seven; 70 Points**

**Earned Precious Person: Metsuki; 100 Points**

**Defeated: Itachi; 200 Points**

**Subtotal: 370 Points**

**Used Kyuubi Chakra (2): -20 Points**

**Ignored Hinata: -20 Points**

**Lost Precious Person: Sasuke; -100 Points**

**Died In ****Battle****: -200 Points**

**Died A Virgin: -1000 Points**

**Broke Nindo (1): -500 Points**

**Subtotal: -1840 Points**

**Total: -1470 Points **

**Rating: Go Back To The Tutorial!**

**Karma: Positive: Innocent**

**Itachi Defeated! Unlocked Uchiha Naruto!**

Naruto wrinkled his nose in distaste. "Damn. still negative. Although, it's a lot better than before." He looked at the stats, then arched an eyebrow. "Ignored Hinata? What's to ignore? Is there something I'm supposed to notice about her?" he scratched his cheek. "Gonna have to look into that later." He scrolled his eyes down farther, before breaking into protests. "What!? Broke nindo!? When!?" He reviewed everything he had done, before scowling. "What the bastard fox said? But I never agreed to that!" He pushed the big button to indicate that yes, he would like to continue. "I still have to find one of those 'save' thingies. That would help like get-all." He pushed open the door to the Avatar hall and briskly walked to Standard Naruto. "And, standard Naruto, take six!"

* * *

Author note well there it is chapter two tied up and ready for review I hope you liked it.

I would like to persoanlly thank my beta the animaniac dude for helping to make this chapter a Success.


	3. Tutorial complete

This is Majin Hentai X Chapter three for your reading pleasure

I do not own any published or copy written works yet

MHX places five non descriptive bodies into the circle and begins to chant a language of unspeakable terror while making hand seals

Normal speech "I wonder what would happen if I turned off your law."

_Thoughts "Wait no its there for a reason."_

**Greater being "What's the worst that could happen?"**

Techniques Author style: law deactivation no Jutsu 

MHX pales as a giant Swastika appears in the sky. "Oh crap, that can't be good."

* * *

Chapter 3: Tutorial Complete

* * *

Naruto cursed again as the credits rolled once more. "God dammit! Why is it that Itachi can always kill me? I didn't even take him down with me this time!" he quickly went through the process of reincarnating as standard Naruto for the eighth time. The boy muttered angrily to himself as he flew towards his baby body. "How the hell am I supposed to save those two when I can't even save myself? What do I do?"

His rant was cut off as he 'collided' with his body. He rolled his eyes as the Kyuubi was sealed inside of him after a long, hard-fought battle. 'This would be really emotional, and tearful, at seeing dad alive, if I hadn't seen it, like, ten times before.' He was set into a cradle as Jiraiya and Sarutobi talked over him about various inanities. 'And, another seven years to try and save Metsuki… what to do…'

* * *

Four years later…

Naruto sat up suddenly in bed and thumped his hand. "THAT'S IT!" a booming noise from underneath him interrupted him.

"SHUT UP!" the old widower beneath him shouted. Naruto jumped out of bed and jumped up and down loudly on the floor.

"BLOW IT OUT YOUR EAR, YOU OLD BAT!"

* * *

Three years later…

Naruto sat up blearily and rubbed his eyes. He yawned and stretched, before slipping onto the floor and walking to his bikini poster calendar. He scraped absently at his eye-crust and stared. "What day is it today…?" the big red circle drew his attention. "What's that say…?"

BIG NEWS! DAY OF MASSACRE! INITIATE PLAN TO SAVE HER! Naruto leaped back and hissed. "It's time already!" he backed up and stepped onto his sleep-hat, which had somehow come off. He slipped, falling ass-over-teakettle onto the ground. He rolled over and massaged his butt. "Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch! Dammit!" he limped to his dresser and threw on some regular clothes. "Okay! Time to save Metsuki!"

* * *

"Naruto-kun!" Metsuki exclaimed as he stood outside the clan door. "What are you doing here?"

he shrugged. "Eh. I was bored, and then I remembered you! I figured you would probably be open to playing with me, so, here I am!" Metsuki thought for a moment, before smiling.

"Okay! Just let me go tell my parents!" she turned around in the doorframe. Naruto's eyes widened and he grabbed at her hand, stopping her walk.

"Nononononono! Don't do that!" she turned and looked at him oddly. Naruto looked around shiftily before leaning in. "Let's just go. You know, not tell anybody we're going." Metsuki eyed him oddly.

"But then I'll get in trouble!"

"Yeah, but it'd probably be for the best. I'm getting some REALLY weird vibes from this place. Something big is gonna go down here, and I don't want you involved in it. So, can we just go?" Metsuki opened her mouth to protest, only to pause. Her hand went to her chin.

"Now that you mention it… Itachi-nii has been acting really weird lately… he's been staying away from everybody, and acting really moody… and he's been arguing with mom and dad a lot, lately…" she quickly looked around, before sliding the door shut behind her. "Okay. Let's go. Before somebody sees us." Naruto nodded, and the two slinked out of the compound.

"Where's your brother, Sasuke?" Naruto asked as the two were walking down the street.

Metsuki shrugged. "I dunno. I think he went to play at a friend's house."

Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. _'Good. Sasuke won't get caught up in the initial slaughter. Itachi should spare him then.'_ Naruto's plan to save the Uchiha sister was simple. Keep her the hell away from the Uchiha compound until Itachi had gotten his killing spree jollies and left. 'Sometimes, the simple plans are the most effective ones.' He thought to himself. He grinned at Metsuki.

"Wanna go play at the park now?"

* * *

Metsuki giggled as Naruto chased after her, arms outstretched in claws. "I'm gonna get you!"

"No you won't! No you won't!" she called back as she ran faster. With a sprint of speed, Naruto leaped forward and tackled her to the ground. The two landed in a pile of flailing limbs and helpless laughter. Naruto poked the girl in the forehead.

"Tag! You're it!"

she giggled helplessly as she got to her feet and brushed the dirt off her dress. "Naruto-kun, I should really get back. My parents are going to worry about me!" Naruto grimaced. This was the part where it could all blow up in his face. He forced his laughter to stop as he took on a serious expression.

"But Metsuki… I'm still worried. Can't you stay away from there until tomorrow? I could let you sleep over at my place! It's pretty late, and I would catch flak for letting a girl walk home this late!" she frowned. "Come on! Please? It'd be like a sleepover! It'd be one big sleepover!" she looked at the ground and scuffed the gravel with her toe.

"But my parents… they wouldn't like me staying overnight at a boy's house…"

Naruto forced his face under her gaze, his blue eyes wide and shining. "PLEEEEASE?" he stuck his bottom lip out in a cute pout. Metsuki cracked.

"You cheated! Boys aren't supposed to be that good at the puppy dog eyes!" she stomped her foot, clearly faux-angry. Naruto grinned.

"So, is that a yes?" Metsuki nodded. Naruto pumped his arm in the air. "YEAH!"

"But if I get in trouble with my mom and dad, I'm selling you out!" Metsuki declared. Naruto shrugged.

"Eh. I can handle it."_ 'You probably won't have any parents left,'_ he thought morbidly to himself. He turned to Metsuki again as they started the walk to his house. "Tell you what. I'll let you have my bed, and I'll sleep on the couch. You cool with that?"

"Yeah. But… won't your parents get mad at you for having me over?" Naruto's grinned slipped. He looked at the ground.

"I don't have any parents. I'm an orphan." Metsuki's hand shot up to her mouth as her eyes widened at her blunder.

"oh, no… I'm so sorry…"

Naruto smiled. "It's okay. I didn't even know them. Old man Hokage gives me a monthly allowance, and an apartment when the orphanage kicked me out."

Metsuki gasped. "Kicked you out! But why? Isn't that illegal?"

Naruto shrugged. "The villagers hate me. Don't ask why, because I can't tell you right now." He stopped in front of the apartment complex and froze. "Oh, shit! Wait right here, Metsuki!" he rushed into the apartment, Metsuki slowly following behind him, curiosity on her face. He shoved the key into the slot and unlocked the door.

What followed next would be what the boy himself would always remember as 'the war on unspeakable filth'.

When Metsuki finally made it up the stairs, Naruto opened the door and grinned sheepishly, out of breath and an overturned instant ramen cup on his head. The Uchiha girl stared and giggled helplessly as Naruto blinked and scowled at the offending head wear.

"When did you get there?" he said to the cup as he plucked it off. He read the expiration date and chucked it back inside. "That one's dead. Fare thee well, soldier." He gestured inward, and Metsuki daintily stepped in. "Welcome, to my humble abode."

"It's… kind of small." She said, looking around. Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

"Yeah, well, it was kind of made for one person, so… it's worked up until now. Listen, the kitchen's right there, the bathroom's down the hall and to the right, and the bedroom's on the left." He ran into the bedroom and began shuffling through his dresser. "I think I've got a few over-sized shirts you could use…" he plucked a large, plain white shirt out. "Aha!" He tossed it over his shoulder, and the girl caught it in mid-air. "You can use that when you go to sleep."

"Thank you, Naruto-kun." She bowed. He frowned and pulled her back up.

"Hey, now! None of that! We're friends, right? Friends help each other out!" she smiled.

"Yeah. I guess we are friends!"

Naruto grinned. "That's more like it!" he clapped twice. "Come on, chop chop. Go get changed, I'll try and rustle something up that isn't instant ramen." Metsuki nodded and shut the bedroom door behind her.

Naruto's smile slid off his face as he stared at the clock. "Itachi… he's nearing the end now, I think." With a single leap, Naruto jumped out the kitchen window and landed gracefully on the ground. He straightened out and ran towards the Uchiha compound. "What mission is so important that you would slaughter your family for it?"

* * *

"Foolish little brother… if you wish to kill me… hate me… despise me… and cling to life in an unsightly way… then run. Run. And cling to life. And one day, when you have the same eyes I do, come before me." Sasuke slumped forward bonelessly to the ground. Itachi turned and began to walk away. He halted at the sight of the newcomer. "Naruto-san…"

"Why?" Naruto began. "What mission is so important that you would kill your family, leaving only your two siblings alive?" Itachi stiffened.

"So that is why I could not find Metsuki… you have her." Naruto nodded.

"Yeah. And you'll have to go through me to get to her."

"How do you know of the mission?" Itachi drew his katana from it's sheath. Naruto shook his head.

"I'm not going to stop you. A boy against an ANBU captain? I think the odds are stacked against me." Itachi, hesitantly, re-sheathed his sword. "I just want to know why. Who ordered you to do this, and why?" Itachi said nothing as he walked forward. As he passed Naruto's shoulder, he opened his mouth.

"I am on the authority of the village council and Sarutobi-sama themselves." Naruto's eyes shot open wider than he thought possible. "Search for the hidden meeting room in the compound. Your answers will be found there." Itachi looked away. "…Naruto-san."

"…"

"With my actions, Sasuke is alone in the world now. I know you care for him, so, please… protect him. Keep him safe in the way his onii-san never could. And…" he looked away swiftly, and if Naruto wasn't imagining things, there was a tremble in the older boy's shoulders. "… Work with him… make him stronger, so when he comes for vengeance… he succeeds…" and Itachi leaped away. Naruto stood there, a few words rattling around in his skull loud enough to blot out all others.

_Authority of village council and Sarutobi-sama… village council and Sarutobi-sama… village council and Sarutobi-sama… village council and Sarutobi-sama… _the words echoed. Naruto was frozen in place, standing there, in the compound full of death.

* * *

"Naruto-kun?" Metsuki said softly as he walked into the apartment and thumped down at the table. "Naruto, are you okay?" he jerked his head up slowly.

"Huh? What?" Metsuki fiddled with the hem of the t-shirt she was in.

"Well, you left, so I thought you went out to get something, but now you don't have anything with you, and you're acting like this, so… is everything okay?"

Naruto stared blankly at her, before shaking his head wildly and smiling. "O-Oh, oh yeah! Yeah, I'm fine! Just, a little sleepy, is all… so…" he blinked as he realized what she said. "Oh yeah! I went out to get something! Shit! I'll go and get that!" he got up, only for her to force him back down.

"It's okay, Naruto-kun. I wasn't that hungry anyway." She smiled at him. "Time to go to bed?" he smiled guardedly back.

"Yeah. See you in the morning." He got up, walked two feet, and flopped down bonelessly on the couch. Metsuki giggled and went into the bedroom. She closed the door and slinked into the bed.

"Goodnight, Naruto-kun."

* * *

"THE UCHIHA CLAN HAS BEEN BRUTALLY MURDERED! CHILD PRODIGY ITACHI UCHIHA GOES ROGUE! SASUKE UCHIHA ONLY SURVIVOR FOUND!" a runner screamed from the streets. Naruto blearily opened his eyes at the noise and blinked. A loud crash of metal made him jump up in fright.

"What! What! I'm up, sensei!" he blinked and realized he wasn't on team seven yet. He rubbed at his eyes and saw Metsuki standing at the stove, a frying pan with what looked like half-finished eggs toppled to the ground at her feet.

His heart dropped into his stomach._ 'Oh, no… she was up… and she heard that…'_ Naruto got up and walked to Metsuki's side. He could see her eyes were wide open, shocked, terrified, like a deer caught in the headlights. Naruto wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a close hug. A lone tear streamed down the girl's face.

"What…?" she breathed.

"I'm so sorry, Metsuki… I am so sorry…" he whispered into her hair. He continued to hold her close as the sobs slowly started to wrack her body.

"Mom…? Dad…?" she whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks. Naruto continued to hold her close.

"I am so sorry… you can stay here as long as you need to…" he murmured.

That did it. Metsuki whirled around and tackled Naruto to the ground, bawling senselessly. Naruto stroked he hair as she wailed at the loss. _'I am so sorry, Metsuki… this is all I can do for now… but it will be different… one day, I'll be strong enough to stop him from doing this… I swear it to you…'_ the loud chimes startled him, and he whipped his head up. There, floating in front of his, were big, blue letters, and a chibi version of him dancing.

**Quest completed! 'Save Metsuki-Chan!' gained: intelligence! +2! **The bright lights swirled around him, and he felt like he knew more things. Metsuki, who was either oblivious to this or was to distraught to care, continued to cry.

_'It said that I gained intelligence,'_ Naruto thought as he continued to rub the small of her back. _'But right now, I feel like the biggest idiot in the world.'_

* * *

Four years later…

Naruto shuddered in his bed as the memories of that day revisited him in dreams. The day when he turned his back and never looked back at Metsuki Uchiha.

The guilt was what did him in. sleeping on that couch, with Metsuki sobbing tearlessly (she had long run out of tears) on the night of that day, Naruto felt more deceitful and more dirty than he had ever felt in his life.

He knew what was going to happen to her family. He knew what Itachi had planned. And instead of warning people, of tipping them off to what he had planned, or fought him yet again… he did nothing. He stood by and let the man who murdered her clan walk away, blood still dripping from his katana. And then he went back, and smiled to her face, and told her he was her friend.

A friend would have done something. Anything. Anything other than let him go.

He pushed himself up from the temporary bed, gathered up what belongings he could take with him, left the key to the door on the kitchen counter and leaped out the window. He took a slow beeline to the Hokage tower, as he slowly trundled into the office. Sarutobi looked up, an unsurprised look on his face.

"Old man. I need a new apartment." He said, without any of his usual vigor, not feeling up to meeting him in the eye. The words of Itachi, of the powers that be in Konoha being behind the massacre, burdened him as much as Metsuki's tears. Sarutobi nodded, an almost guilty look on his face.

"Okay, Naruto. I'll leave your old one to Metsuki-Chan and Sasuke-kun. I'll get you a new apartment on the other side of town." Naruto didn't even flinch when he named the girl. He wasn't really all that surprised anymore that he knew about the girl staying at his apartment.

"Thanks." He turned around to leave, but stopped. "Oh, and old man?" Sarutobi looked up from his paperwork. "If Metsuki comes asking where I went… could you… I mean… would you…"

"Not tell her where you live now?" the Sandaime finished.

"Yeah. That." Sarutobi nodded. "Thanks." And the Jinchuuriki shut the door behind him.

He had never seen her since then. He never went back to his old apartment to gather the things he left, he didn't go back to say he was leaving, he just… turned his back and left.

* * *

The loud blaring of his alarm clock startled him out of his bleary musings as he fell to the ground in a heap.

"Ouch! Dammit!" he cursed loudly. He got up, rubbing his bum, and hobbled over to the calendar. He peered at where the Xs ended.

BIG DAY TODAY! FIRST DAY OF ACADEMY! The calendar shouted in big, red letters. Naruto nodded. He had decided to skip the first two disastrous years of the academy, when he had tried to get a head-start on being a ninja. Now, he was content with just passing.

Naruto pulled on his signature orange jumpsuit (now he remembered why he bought it! It was the only ninja outfit the store would sell to him! Vastly overpriced, too!) and ran a quick hand through his hair, to get his also-signature spiky blonde hair spiky again. He quickly reheated a cup of day-old instant ramen and slurped it down in one gulp. He grimaced.

"You know, I need to learn how to cook. Ramen's mana from the gods and all, but I don't think I can stand dying over and over and eating just ramen every single time. I think I'd die of boredom." He patted his jumpsuit pocket to make sure that Gama-Chan was still there and pumped his fist.

"Yosh! Time to kick ass and take names!"

As Naruto was walking down the street, a cacophony of girlish squeals bombarded his ears. His eyes shot wide open as he dived to the side of the street, having heard the horrendous battle-cry before many times. Not a moment too soon, either, as Sasuke ran pell-mell down the street. He was quickly followed by a pack of screaming civilian fangirls. Naruto shuddered. He had thought that the fangirl horde was funny as hell in his first life, but now, frankly, it scared the ever-living shit out of him.

"Do I help him and put myself in the line of fire, or do I abandon him to his fate…?" he wondered aloud. He nodded his head. He didn't hate Sasuke enough to abandon him, even though he technically killed him. Because beneath all that dobe and teme catcalls, Sasuke was his first real friend. With a single bound, Naruto was leaping from rooftop to rooftop, chasing after the massive dust cloud.

When he finally caught up, he saw that the Uchiha boy was on the verge of exhaustion. His running was sloppy, and he was quickly slowing down. Naruto took one massive bound and landed right next to him. The Uchiha boy jerked his head up in fear, thinking it was another fangirl. Naruto held out a hand to him, running alongside him.

"Come on, grab on! They'll be on us any minute now!" Naruto shouted over the squeals. Sasuke hesitated for a moment.

"SASUKE-KUUUUUUN!" the horde screeched. That did it. Sasuke latched onto his arm like a drowning man to a lifeline. Naruto took one leap and was on the rooftops once again. He panted as he wiped sweat from his brow.

"Whoooo, boy! That was scary! No man deserves that kind of fate! I can see the headlines now!" Naruto spread his hands out in front of his face as if smoothing out a scroll. "'Killer fangirls on the loose! Uchiha sibling first casualty!' One hell of a way to die!" Naruto chuckled. "You're really heavy, you know that? I almost didn't make that jump."

"Thanks." Sasuke said for the first time, panting on his knees. "I thought I was going to die…" he peered over the shingles, only to flinch back. "Oh my god!" he screamed shrilly. Naruto peered over where he had looked.

"What's so sca- **OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!**" he screamed. The fangirls were climbing over themselves and actually SCALING the side of the building. "It's like a zombie invasion! What black magic did you do?"

"**JUST SAVE ME!**" Sasuke screamed in a most un-Uchiha-like way. Naruto put on a serious expression.

"When confronted with this kind of situation, there is truly only one way to be saved." Silence.

"**EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!**" Naruto screamed as he bounded across rooftop after rooftop. Sasuke only barely made the leaps after him. after running for five minutes, Naruto stopped on the roof of what he thought was a grocery store. Sasuke skidded to a halt behind him, panting again.

"How… in the hell… can you do that… so easily…" he panted. Naruto grinned.

"Practice. Practice, and really good legs. It helps like nobody's business in roof-jumping when you're running from an entire pissed off ANBU squad with atomic wedgies!"

Sasuke blinked, before making a sound that sounded exactly like a laugh. 'But it wasn't a laugh,' thought Naruto to himself. _'The great Sasuke Uchiha doesn't laugh.'_ He held out his hand. "I don't think we've been introduced. Naruto Uzumaki." Sasuke met his hand with his own.

"Sasuke Uchiha. I feel like I've heard your name before… have we met?"

Naruto shook his head, hoping that the Uchiha would not spot the unease in his eyes. "Nope. Though I've certainly heard of you! Sasuke Uchiha, one of the only two survivors of the famous Uchiha clan. They say you're a genius."

"Hn."

Naruto blinked, before scowling childishly. _'He still has that damnable noise!'_

"Fine! Be that way to the guy who just saved your ass! Maybe I should toss you back to the piranhas, see how fast they strip your bones…" Sasuke's face went pure white.

"Nononononono!" he practically shouted. "I'll be good, I'll be good!"

Naruto grinned cheesily. "I knew we could get along!"

Sasuke shuddered. "I'm terrified of them." Naruto quirked an eyebrow. It wasn't like the Sasuke he knew to actually say that he was scared of something. "Usually, my sister's there to scare them away, but…"

"They caught you without her." Naruto finished, ignoring the painful feeling in his gut when he mentioned Metsuki. "That sucks." He shrugged. "Oh, well! I gotta get going, the academy's probably going to start any minute now!" Sasuke looked at him.

"Academy? The ninja academy? You're training to be a ninja?"

Naruto grinned. "Yep! Gonna be the Hokage someday, and take the hat from the old man!" Sasuke blinked owlishly.

"I've never heard of somebody addressing the Hokage so…"

"Rudely?" Naruto finished again. "He appreciates it! I know it! People everywhere are all, like, 'good morning Hokage-sama, would you like me to kiss the ground before you?' I know he appreciates the one person who isn't in complete awe of him!"

Sasuke blinked.

"… You are one odd ninja."

Naruto shrugged.

"Eh. All the good ones are eccentric. So, where are you going?"

Sasuke pointed in the direction of the ninja academy. "same place you are." Naruto grinned even wider, before his eyes grew horrified.

"OH MY GOD THEY'RE ON THE ROOF!" he screamed shrilly. Sasuke whirled around so fast Naruto thought he'd get whiplash. His face blanched whiter than paper when he saw that in the distance, there was a lone shrieking fangirl on top of the roofs. And more hands were beneath her, carrying more up. "**THEY'RE LIKE DEMONS FROM HELL!**" he sprinted across the roofs faster than he ever knew was possible towards the academy. "**RUN! GO! GET TO DA CHOPPA!**" Sasuke sprinted past Naruto at speeds he didn't even have as a real ninja.

"**EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!**" Sasuke screamed past Naruto. The two sprinted across the roofs towards the academy, possibly breaking a few land-speed records in the process. Naruto leapt onto the streets and sprinted towards the academy alongside Sasuke, only to skid to a halt. In front of the building were a group of pre-adolescent girls. The two whirled around, only to find the rooftop group somehow caught up to them. The two were back to back, surrounded by a ring of fangirls.

"Sasuke." Naruto hissed, so softly that Sasuke almost didn't hear him. "Do. Not. Move. Do not even breathe. And don't. Show. Fear. They can smell it." A girl stepped out from the academy side, clearly the leader.

"Sasukeeeeee… why did you run from us? We love yoooooou…"

"There is a spare kunai, in, my left, pocket." Naruto hissed, ignoring the girl. "Reach for it, SLOWLY, and take it. And whatever you do, DON'T. SHOW. FEAR." Sasuke inched his hand towards the left pocket as Naruto inched for the right. Their hands closed on two separate kunai.

"We'll be reeeeeeeeeal nice to you, sasukeeeeeee..."

"I'm scared, Naruto." Sasuke whispered.

"So am I. So am I. Now use that kunai to keep them away. DO NOT THROW IT. And don't let them grab on, or you're as good as dead." Naruto hissed. "On the count of three, make a break for the academy. I'll try and hold them off as long as I can." Sasuke almost whirled around at that.

"But…!"

"No buts! It's you they really want, not me. I'll survive. You have to live through this, Sasuke." Sasuke inclined his head a fraction of an inch. The horde began to slowly circle closer.

"I'll never forget you, Naruto…" Naruto's mouth quirked slightly.

"One… two… thr-"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING TO MY LITTLE BROTHER?" a female voice shouted as a fangirl near the back flew up into the air limply, extremely bloodied. Sasuke whooped and jumped into the air.

"The cavalry is here!" he shouted. Naruto didn't recognize the voice, but the words were enough to freeze his blood. he sure as hell didn't remember a sister when he was born, and Sarutobi didn't know that his parents were married, so they couldn't have been together long enough to have another kid; so it sure wasn't his big sister that was trailing towards them. So the only option left was…

"Metsuki! SAVE MEEEE!" Sasuke screamed. A tunnel of bloody fangirls flew up into the air as the girls screamed and scattered, shouting about how 'the psycho ninja-bitch' had shown up. Naruto swore and looked around for an escape route. He spotted an open window in the academy and leaped up through it. He shut the window and latched it, breathing a sigh of relief at the close call. He collected his composure and walked out of the stunned classroom, which was staring at him extremely weirdly.

Sasuke nearly flung himself behind his sister, cowering behind her as the leader of the fangirls shook her fist at Metsuki.

"Just you wait, you crazy bitch! I'll get you someday! And your little man, too!" the kunoichi merely held up a fistful of kunai, and the fangirl fled screaming. Metsuki turned around and hugged her terrified little brother's head, who was still trembling like a leaf.

"Hey, Sasuke. Hope they weren't hounding you too long. I just got back from a mission." Sasuke nodded.

"I'd say they were after me for about… twenty minutes." Metsuki's eyebrows arched.

"Wow. That's the longest time I've heard yet. You usually poop out at fifteen." Sasuke scratched the back of his head.

"Yeah, well, I had some help this time. He was heading to the ninja academy too when he decided to help out." He turned and held out a hand. "Metsuki, meet…" he blinked when he realized there was nobody there anymore. "Huh?"

"Something wrong, Sasuke?" Metsuki asked. Sasuke scratched his head.

"He's gone…"

* * *

Chapter End

Well that's chapter three. yet again I would like to thank my beta reader The Animaniac Dude for his mastery of beta reading.

Note: when the next chapter will be when I feel like it.

Read and review, it's the only way I can get better and faster.


	4. Enter the Academy

Majin Hentai X I own nothing yet

Down from the swastika descended Adolf Hitler laughing maniacally while ranting in German.

normal speech "You foolish fool he has returned, Hitler." Screamed out Murphy trying to stem the blood from his gouged out eye sockets

_thoughts/writing 'So what he's just an insane German I'm an author I can take him.' __  
_

**greater being "Your a fan fiction author he actually published he's stronger than you"**

Techniques Kamehameha

The beam of blue light exploded out of the hands of MHX screaming towards the insane Nazi.

**

* * *

**

Naruto tried to sneak into the classroom silently, so as not to alert Iruka that he'd been late. Unfortunately, fate was not on his side.

"YOU THERE!!!" Iruka shouted, stepping right in front of him. "What is your name? AND WHY ARE YOU LATE!?" He activated what Naruto called, 'big-scary-demon-head-of-hell jutsu' as the class pointed and laughed. Naruto puffed out his chest in righteous indignity.

"Name's Naruto Uzumaki!! Remember it!! 'Cause I'm gonna be the Hokage!!" The class laughed even harder at that. "And I was late because I was helping duck-butt escape his fangirls!!" Iruka twitched.

"Duck-butt…?"

"Oi. Get out of the way, you're blocking the door." Naruto stepped aside.

"Sensei, meet Sasuke Uchiha, or as I like to call him… duck-butt hair man!" Sasuke's right eye twitched slightly as the class rolled around, laughing helplessly. Iruka himself had to stifle a snicker at the boy's misfortune. 'Is this really the murderer of thousands…?' Iruka thought to himself.

"Both of you, get to your seat! Naruto, you are behind Shino, the boy with the large overcoat." Iruka pointed at the Aburame, who inclined his head slightly. "Sasuke, you're behind Sakura, the girl with the pink hair." The Uchiha grunted and slid into his seat. Naruto saw, out of the corner of his eye, Sakura's cheeks turning as pink as her hair as Ino whispered something into her ear. "Ino, Sakura! Do you have something to share with the class?" Iruka stared at the two. They snapped to attention and shook their heads furiously.

"No, sensei!" they both chimed. Iruka gave them wary looks, but continued with the lesson.

"Okay, then. Since today is the first day of class, I don't really know where you are intellectually." He handed a stack of papers to a teaching assistant at his side, who began handing out them to the class. "These tests are for me to see how smart you are right off the bat, so I know what need to teach." The teacher's aid stopped at Naruto's seat and rifled through the stack, and pulled out a piece of paper. Naruto snatched it up and gaped.

'What the fuck!? How the hell are we supposed to answer these questions!?' he stared at the test, before a memory of the Chuunin exam flitted across his brain. 'Maybe it's like that, where we're supposed to cheat!' he grabbed at one of the pencils and began reading the questions. 'A kunai flies through the air at a degree of 47, with a weight of 1.5 pounds. A force of gravity acts on it for a force of ten. The force of the throw is X. Find how far away it lands.' He surreptitiously slid his eyes over to Shino's paper, before scowling and standing straight up.

"All right, who's the dumb fucker who doctored my test!?" Iruka whipped his head up to yell at the dem- student for swearing, before his ears caught up to his brain. He flopped around for a bit before finding the words he wanted.

"Doctored?" Naurto nodded, scowling.

"Yeah, I doubt you're sadistic enough to give Chuunin exam-level questions to first day academy students, so I want to know who gave me a fucked-up test!" Iruka eased himself out of the desk and took the paper away from him. His eyes widened as him skimmed the contents. He whirled around and glared daggers at the two teaching assistants.

"Are you two responsible for this?" The two Chuunins grinned and nodded.

"Yeah! Smart, ain't it?" the first spoke.

"Get the monster flunked out before he can-" Iruka interrupted the second.

"Thank you for your kind help. Your assistance is no longer required." The two looked at each other, confused.

"What do you-"

"Get the hell out of my classroom!" Iruka roared. The two's eyes widened before storming out of the classroom. The second assistant turned his head back at the door and threw a parting insult.

"I hope the little monster tears you apart!" Iruka threw a stapler at where his head was a second ago, but the man was already gone. The teacher growled in frustration, but whirled around and forced himself to smile.

"Well, then! Shall we get back to those tests?" he said holding back his anger. Naruto smiled genuinely.

'_I missed you, iruka-sensei…'_

* * *

"Well, damn! That's new!" Naruto exclaimed as he stared at the results of the test. "There's no way in hell that much changed from my original life!" but the paper did not lie: out of a class of 51, he scored as the nineteenth. "not first in the class, like Sakura-chan, but damn! How the hell did I become a dobe?" Naruto pondered the question for a moment, before his eyes narrowed. "What did those two assholes say? Tried to get me to fail?" He thought some more. "Come to think of it, it was this test that made me skip so much class in the first place. If I didn't catch it then…" he scowled. "Then they played me like a harp, and I fell for it."

"Hey! Loudmouth!" Kiba shouted from across the playground, a piece of paper clutched in his hand. "What'd you get? I got thirty-seventh!"

"Nineteenth! Beat that, mutt!" Naruto grinned._ 'nothing like a shouting match with Kiba to keep me in a good mood.'_ Kiba scowled comically.

"You're a nerd!" he replied lamely.

"So? The Sandaime's a nerd, and look where he ended up!" Naruto retorted. _'That's a good one, I'll have to remember that!' _Kiba snarled and lunged at Naruto.

"Yeah, well I can still kick your butt!!" The two went down in a flurry of aggravated limbs and loud curses. Naruto grinned as a fist smashed into his gut.

_'It's good to have a friend again…_'

* * *

'_Remind me why I'm here again.'_ Naruto thought to himself as he absently stared at Iruka lecturing the class. _'Oh, yeah. Because the old man wouldn't let me skip the academy._' By his approximation, it had been four months or so since he started the academy. And he was bored senseless.

'God damn… man sure knows how to talk. Does he know how to shut up?'

"…a period of disorder and chaos following the Shodaime's untimely death. Families and clans, sensing an upset in the balance of power, scrambled and fought for money, power and land. The Nidaime then invoked…" he pointed at Sakura. "Haruno-san!" Sakura jerked up, surprised.

"yes, Iruka-sensei?"

"Tell me what the Nidaime did to counteract the clan's bids for power." Sakura nodded.

"Yes. The Nidaime invoked what is known today as the law of the Nidaime. Anybody that could not decide ownership of something, whether it was land or material possessions, was forced to share the ownership." Iruka nodded.

"Yes. Very good. Haruno-san is correct. The law of the Nidaime applied to all levels of Konoha citizens, but was mainly aimed at stopping the scheming clan heads. The now-extinct Kemosabi clan, fearing their…" Naruto faded out of the lecture.

_'Yep, he's a talkative bastard, all right. This is going to go on forever…'_ He cast his eyes around, looking for something interesting. 'l_et's see… there's Shino over there… wonder what he looks like without that coat… heheh, that'd be a good prank. I should write that one down… there's Chouji, still eating. Where does he keep all those chips? I should figure that out… Hinata…_' The shy Hyuuga turned around and briefly locked eyes with the Jinchuuriki. She squeaked softly and jerked her head away, blushing furiously. Naruto blinked as she twiddled her fingers.

'_Hmm… why did she do that?_' He stroked his chin. '_Come to think of it, she's always done that around me. Why? What's different about me than everybody else?_' He grimaced and stroked his stomach absently._ 'Well, besides the obvious, of course.'_ He blinked. _'Hey, maybe that's it! She's a Hyuuga, so maybe she kind of sees fuzz-butt! That'd probably freak out anybody!'_ He spared a glance at Hinata, who was shyly sending furtive glances his way. _'Kind of hurts that she's scared of me, but hey! I can work on that later!_' He cast his eyes to the second half of the class. 'Let's see… don't know him, don't know him, don't know her… wow, a lot of people dropped out! There was at least ten people here last month that aren't here now!' He looked farther down and saw Sakura leaning on her hands.

'_Ahhh… Sakura-chan…_' Naruto breathed mentally as a dreamy grin spread on his face. '_Someday, you'll realize how awesome I am…_' his grin spread wider as a fantasy played out in his head.

_"Oh, Naruto! You're the Hokage! Will you marry me!"_

_"Hell yeah!"_

Naruto beamed. '_That's how it's gonna be, I swear to kami-sama. Wonder if she's looking at me?_' He refocused on the object of his affections, only to scowl. Sakura was sending quick, sneaky glances at Sasuke, who was two seats to her left. A faint blush was on her cheeks. '_Wh-th-hu-what!? SASUKE!? What the hell does that bastard have that I don't! I'll kick his ass to the-'_ Naruto froze.

'_Wait a sec… Hinata looked just like that a second ago… but she was looking at me… and Sakura likes Sasuke, so-'_

"HOLY SHIT ON A STICK!!!!!!!!" He screamed, jerking violently backwards out of his seat. Iruka jerked out of his lecture to glare at Naruto, big-scary-head-of-hell jutsu activated.

"NARUTO!!! DON'T INTERRUPT!!!" He shouted. The class laughed at his misfortune. Naruto looked up sickly.

"Uhhh… was that my outside voice?" The class laughed even harder. He held up his hand weakly. "Um, Iruka-sensei? Can I go get a drink? I don't feel so good…" Iruka calmed down slightly and looked at Naruto, wearing a deep frown.

"Hmmm… you don't look so good… I suppose." Naruto nodded weakly and stumbled out of the classroom. As soon as the class was out of hearing distance, he bolted for the doors.

"Holy damn, holy damn, holy damn, holy damn, holy damn! What do I do, what do I do, what do I do? Hinata likes me! Like, LIKE likes me! But I like Sakura-chan! Oh, what the hell am I supposed to do!?" He ran even faster out onto the playgrounds, out into the village. He skidded to a halt as a horrifying thought struck him.

"Oh my damn… if Hinata likes me now… then she liked me before… and I didn't even know…" He clutched his head, full-blown panic attack only moments away. "oh, kami-sama, what the hell do I do!? If I date Sakura-chan, then I'm breaking Hinata's heart… AGAIN! But if I date Hinata, then I'm betraying Sakura-chan! Oh, god!" he scrubbed at his face, screaming. "AAAAGH!! This day can't get any worse!!!"

"Naruto?" a voice, distinctly female, sounded out. "Naruto-kun!?" Naruto looked up at the sky, comical tears streaming down his face.

'I just HAD to open my mouth…'

"Naruto-kun!!!!" Metsuki shouted, tackling into Naruto. The two went sprawling to the ground. "Oh my god, Naruto-kun!! I found you!!" Naruto smiled weakly.

"H-hey, Metsuki-chan… how you been? You've gotten big…" Metsuki smiled, before lifting her fist and smashing it into his face.

"YOU BASTARD!!!" she screamed. Naruto flew across the street and into the opposite building. An apartment complex, if he wasn't mistaken. Metsuki marched across and plucked his limp body from the rubble, shaking him wildly. "You COMPLETE and UTTER ASSHOLE!!! Do you even REALIZE how worried SICK you made me!?" She punctuated her screaming with wild shaking of Naruto. "I have been trying to find you for YEARS!!! How could you LEAVE us like that!?"

'_She's a lot more violent than I remember…'_ he thought absently as his brain rattled around in its cage.

"If I wasn't so happy to see you, I would kick your ass all the way to rice country!!!" She finally finished shaking him and dropped him to the ground. "You asshole…" She murmured, tears finally falling. How could you leave me like that…?" Naruto looked up and saw her trembling. He shakily stood up and walked over to her. He pulled her into a hug, noting absently that she was over a head taller than he was.

"I, erm… I'm… sorry, Metsuki-chan…" he talked awkwardly into her shoulder. Metsuki felt her knees grow weak as her head collapsed. The suddenly-heavy appendage fell onto his shoulder, and her tears streamed down the back of his jumpsuit.

"Dammit, Naruto… I missed you so much… I missed you…" She sobbed.

"I missed you too…" He whispered. Metsuki lifted her head to stare at him.

"Then why did you leave!?" Naruto looked away.

"…because you were crying so much, and I couldn't do a thing to change it. I couldn't do anything that would make you happy again… and I felt terrible about it." Metsuki felt her eyes grow even more watery.

"Oh, Naruto…" she clutched him even tighter as she hiccuped. "I'm sorry. You must think I'm a big crybaby. You leave because I'm crying, and I cry when I see you again…"

"Of course not!" Naruto protested. "You're a smart, wonderful girl that loved her family! There was nothing wrong with you crying then!" He smiled sincerely. "You should know that."

"Then why did you leave?" She backed away. "If it was okay, then why did you leave?" Naruto looked away.

"…look, can we change the subject? I don't feel comfortable talking about this." He finally spoke. Metsuki frowned.

"Fine. Where did you go?"

"I got a new apartment from the old man. He was pretty cool about it." He shrugged. "He said he'd let you two keep mine. Speaking of which, how is Sasuke?" she smiled.

"Sasuke's fine. He's getting a lot of attention from girls, but he's not really too interested in that yet. Usually I have to help him chase them away." Naruto laughed.

"Oh, yeah! That's right! The fangirl hordes! I helped him escape from one of them once." Metsuki's eyes widened.

"So that was YOU who helped him that one time! Wow!" Naruto nodded.

"Yep. Got pretty tense there for a moment, but then you showed up! You were like a freaking train coming through there!" The two laughed at the memory. Naruto looked up to her and noted the Konoha headband. "I see you're a ninja." Metsuki grinned and futzed with the item.

"Yep! I just made Chuunin!" Naruto whistled.

"Damn. Chuunin? And you're like, what, one year older than me? That's impressive!"

"Yeah, well, I was allowed to enter a year early. A lot of people put up a fuss about, since they were afraid of…" she trailed off as an uncomfortable look settled in. Naruto realized what she was going to say.

"They were afraid of another Itachi." The two stared around in uncomfortable silence. Naruto recovered first. "SO! How's ninja life treating you?"

"Eh. It could be better. It was more fun when I had a genin team. Then at least I had company!"

"Well, it can't really be helped. Who was your sensei?" Metsuki grinned.

"Mitarashi Anko!" Naruto tripped in place and face-planted into the ground. "Naruto?"

'_Of COURSE she had the freaky snake lady. That's the only explanation for the violence._' He sighed and picked himself up. "Sorry about that. Tripped on a stone."

"But you were standing still!"

"Yeah, well, I'm clumsy like that." He said, acting very blasé about the whole matter. "So, how was your time with… Mitarashi-san?" man, even saying that was weird! Freaky Snake Lady loaned itself to her so much better!

"Oh, it was okay, I guess… her flirting with Kurenai-san was disconcerting, but I think she was kidding most of the time…" Metsuki blinked and realized her front was covered in blood, and Naruto was sprawled senseless across the street, a thin trickle still running from his nose. "You PERVERT!!"

'_I knew she wasn't right in the head…_' was his last conscious thought before he passed out from the concussion.

* * *

**"…y! boy! Wake up, fleshbag!" **a voice echoed ominously. Naruto groaned and pulled himself to a sitting position.

"The hell…?" He moaned.

**"Fleshbag!" **a voice rumbled. Naruto squinted and saw the bigger-than-life cage in front of him.

"Oh, it's you." He quipped. "and here I thought it was something important." The kyuubi swatted at him unsuccessfully.

**"Be grateful that I help you at all! I could let you die from that concussion you suffered!" **Naruto scratched his head, blinking owlishly.

"Concussion…? From what?" the kyuubi grinned.

**"It seems you're not as asexual as I thought." **Naruto blinked, before his face turned a dark shade of maroon. **"And the ryo drops."**

"Oh, god… right in front of Metsuki, too… just my luck…" he bemoaned. Kyuubi cracked it's neck.

**"Now, for the reason I called you here. Frankly, boy, I have even less idea why your life is being repeated he way it is than you do. I do, however, know that in the past, when something to this effect happened-"**

"What, you mean this has happened before!?" Naruto shouted. NOW he was interested in the story.

**"Quiet, fleshbag. Yes, this has happened before. Although most of the time, some otherworldly being was involved, either a god or a demon. I have no idea how this is happening multiple times, though. In all other reported cases, it was a one-shot, double-or-nothing affair." **Naruto blinked.

"Wait, you said gods? So, there's multiple?" Kyuubi shrugged.

**"Well, there are nine of us, and we are the scum of the earth, so there has to be at least nine gods to counteract us. Nine pure beings to fight nine evil beings. It follows logic. Although I've never actually seen them, save for the shinigami, I know that they exist."**

"Figures that you don't know. It'd kind of be weird for a demon to know the god…s." he added as an afterthought. Kyuubi growled.

**"Do not patronize me, brat! I may not be a god, but I am as close to one as you shall ever know in this life! I could rend to limb from limb with my pinky finger!!" **Naruto yawned.

"says the creature that was defeated by the Yondaime." The fox howled and rattled at the cage in a blind fury.

**"DAMN THAT ARROGANT BLOND!!! To think he could defeat the strongest demon in the world!!! I'll kill him!!!!" **Naruto laughed.

"You're surprisingly easy to rile up." The kyuubi froze and took a calming breath.

**"This is why I hate dealing with humans. They're so self-assured of their superiority…" **he shook his head and refocused. **"Look. Do you want my help getting out of this or not!?" **

"I suppose. Although not being able to die is a pretty sweet gig." Naruto whistled, hands behind his head. "I could get used to it." Kyuubi grinned.

**"Oh, really now? What about when you are an old man, ready to die after all the things you've seen and experienced, eager and willing to slip into quiet nothingness, and you quietly pass away… and are respawned as a crying, pooping fleshbag? Doomed to relive your entire, same life, over and over for eternity?" **Naruto paled.

"now that you put it that way…" the demon nodded.

**"I knew you'd see things my way. At any rate, back to my story! Yes, most of the time in these situations, there is a god or a demon involved intimately. I suppose my past-future self sent you to me in order to prevent itself 'dying'. That being said, even I lack the strength to maintain an almost infinite cycle of rebirths. Whatever is doing this to us, it's a group effort." **Naruto frowned. Thinking deeply was never his strong suit.

"So… there's another god and/or demon involved?"

**"That would be my guess. Probably even more than just myself and that other mystery entity. And if something was willing to give that much power to do something on this scale – and this is no mean feat – then there must be something terrible that you must somehow prevent. Throwing the space time continuum to hell for your life means you're doing more than becoming Hokage in your future."**

"So… I'm saving the world or something?"

**"I have no idea. But whatever it is, it's big. Bigger than me, as much as I hate to admit that. And so, I'm…" **the kyuubi mumbled something under his breath. Naruto leaned in.

"what was that? Didn't catch that."

**"…willing to put aside our differences for the time being…" **he mumbled a bit louder. Naruto grinned.

"HAH!!! Yes, that's right!! Bow down to the future Hokage!!" The fox's paw shot out from the cage and snatched Naruto out of the air, having wandered too close to the cage in his victory dance. The suddenly fearful boy was hauled up in front of the coal-red eyes.

**"YOU ARE ONLY ALIVE NOW BECAUSE I SAY YOU CAN BE!!!!" **the beast roared. **"IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE FACT THAT THERE IS SOMETHING GREATER THAN US GOING ON, YOU WOULD BE NOTHING BUT A SMEAR ON THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW!!! YOU _WILL_ RESPECT ME, OR I SHALL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND!!!!!" **Naruto felt no shame at the rapidly spreading wet spot on his jumpsuit. The beast threw Naruto to the other side of the room, smashing violently into the slimy bricks. **"Leave me. The sight of you sickens ****me.****" **The vision faded, and Naruto blacked out.

* * *

"H-goi-to-e-kay?" a voice mumbled. Naruto felt his confusion grow. Did the world suddenly speak garglemesh now?

"Th-cussi-hea-tw-ays. Giv-o-ake." A different voice spoke. Naruto felt his senses sharpen. "Although, it's a mirac- he is healing this fast." Oh. It wasn't a new language. He just couldn't hear all of it.

"Is it because of…?" the first voice asked. Naruto finally pegged it as Iruka.

"More than likely, yes. The demon seems to be accelerating its host's healing processes." Naruto scowled. Whoever the second voice was, he wasn't a friend. And why the hell was the world so dark?

"Shhh! You're not allowed to talk about that!" Iruka hissed. "The third's law!"

"Sir, this is a hospital. We discuss all the facts, and withhold none of the information. The fact that the boy is possessed by the demon does not change the fact that his healing is accelerated. Without it, he could be hospitalized for weeks, if not months." Naruto finally realized his eyes were closed. '_That would explain the darkness._' Naruto mused as he finally cracked an eye open.

"He's not, you know." Naruto croaked. The two adults, Iruka and the doctor he was talking to, jerked in surprise.

"Naruto! You're awake!" Iruka said in surprise.

"He's not possessing me. Fuzz-butt wouldn't be caught dead possessing a human." Naruto smirked as the two looked like a bomb had gone off. "He has this whole "demons are superior to you fleshbag's thing going on. Pisses him off he got beat by us."

"You…! You know about him!?" Iruka nearly shrieked. The doctor was still stunned silent.

"Oh, yeah. Since I was eight." Naruto improvised. "The mobs got a little friskier than usual on my birthday, so he explained why while he worked his magic. Said he hated me as much as the villagers hate him, but if I die, he's going down too, so he has to watch my six all the time. Pretty sweet gig, actually." Iruka and the doctor were gobsmacked, jaws hanging wide.

"You… talk to him?" Iruka said slowly.

"Only when I'm asleep. Most of the time we just get into shouting matches with each other, but he made a deal just now that he wouldn't try and possess me and kill the entire village if I didn't piss him off too much." Naruto looked at the doctor. "So, no. he doesn't possess me. If he did, then why are any of the bad-mouthing villagers still alive right now? Fuzz-butt wouldn't take that kind of crap from nobody." The doctor gulped.

"I, uh, I suppose you have a point there…" he stuttered. '_How did nobody work that idea out before!?_' he inwardly screamed. Naruto grinned and turned to Iruka.

"How long was I out?"

"Um, uh, I think, uh, two days." Naruto whistled and slumped back into bed.

"Wow, must have been one hell of a concussion. I blame Freaky Snake Lady." Iruka didn't even WANT to know who he was talking about there.

"Uh, Naruto… about the Kyuubi…" Naruto waved him off.

"No, I'm not listening to him, yes, I hate his guts, but yes, he does keep me alive. Figure that'll be pretty helpful come graduation. By the way, can you two keep a secret that I know about him? I just realized that it probably wasn't such a hot idea letting that slip. The mobs'll be pounding down my door with torches and pitchforks any second now." Iruka and the doctor nodded mutely.

"I, uh, I guess." They both stuttered. Naruto grinned and hopped out of bed.

"Well, the buzzing in my head is gone, so I suppose that means the fox is done working! See ya!" he took one step out onto the linoleum and shrieked, leaping back in bed. "COLD!!!" Iruka how no choice but to blink at the non-sequitur-ness of the situation.

"Huh?" he said stupidly.

"It's damn cold! Where the hell are my shoes!?" He shouted, clutching his 'injured' feet. "That should be a torture in and of itself! That floor is murder!!" Iruka blinked once.

Twice.

"Heh heh heh heh…" he laughed slowly. "Hahahaha… HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" he laughed uncontrollably. Naruto and the doctor stared at him like he had gone crazy as Iruka felt tears running down his face. "HAHAHAHAHAH!!! Oh my, go- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh, I can't breathe!! HAHAHAHAH!!!"

"Err, Iruka-sensei…? You okay there?" Naruto asked nervously. Wouldn't be too good if his teacher went ape-shit on him in a hospital, after all. The Chuunin teacher giggled helplessly as he wiped a small tear from the corner of his eye.

"Oh, hehehehe, it's noth-ehehehehe… it's nothing." He coughed loudly to disguise a final chuckle. "HEMPH!!!!!" he straightened his vest and smiled.

"There's no way in hell that some kind of demon, in any way, shape or form could ever complain that loudly about cold floors." He picked up the ninja sandals on the floor and handed them to Naruto. "There. You good now?" Naruto snatched them from his hands and slapped them on his feet.

"YES!!! VICTORY!!!!" he crowed. "You have met your match, foul floor! I, future Hokage Naruto Uzumaki, have TRIUMPHED!!!" Iruka hid a grin behind his hand.

"Alright, then, future Hokage. I've heard you like ramen. What say we go out to get a bite to eat? I know this place we can go, pretty good quality, and cheap too." Naruto practically sparkled.

"Did I ever tell you I love you, Iruka-sensei?" he gushed. Iruka laughed.

"No, and I never want to hear it again."

"Eh, fair enough." The two began to wait.

"Hold on!" Naruto blinked. The doctor behind them lowered his hand. "Today, I have… been exposed to some ideas that have… made me reevaluate my worldly views."

"Err… can you talk normal? I feel like I'm in Ye Olden times, the way you talk." Naruto cocked his head confusedly. The man blushed and nodded, embarrassed.

"Before this, I thought that you were simply a kid the Yondaime chose that the Kyuubi possessed as soon as he was sealed." Naruto shrugged.

"Well, I'll take what I can get! It's better than being the fox incarnate!" the doctor coughed.

"Yes, well. Meeting you in person has been… eye-opening, to say the least. I now realize that there is no way that you are actually the demon, even without your explanation."

"Oh? And how do you figure that?"

"There is no way that a demon could ever complain that loudly about cold floors." He said deadpan. Iruka jerked forward and snorted with laughter, fist to his mouth. "Iruka-san? Are you okay?"

"No, no, I'm- PFFFT!! I'm fine!!" he waved ineffectually at the doctor, trying to contain his bouts of laughter. The doctor arched an eyebrow.

"…you thought the exact same thing, didn't you?"

"Yes." Iruka admitted, before finally giving in. "BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!" he guffawed. Naruto scowled comically.

"HEY!!! It's not funny!!" He squawked. "It was cold!!" the doctor smiled.

"My name is Gin. You ever get injured, you ask for me. I'll set you straight." Naruto smiled.

"Sweet! Thank god, I've got a doctor friend now! You wouldn't believe how many doctors have tried to poison me here! Thanks!" Gin nodded.

"I hope I don't have to see you again, Naruto Uzumaki." Naruto gave him a two-finger salute.

"Because then I'm back in here! See ya!" and with that, Naruto and Iruka went to get ramen.

* * *

And now, a word from the beta-reader:

On this chapter: in my opinion? Filler. That's pretty much all this is. Plot-advancing filler. Always needs to be done, nobody ever likes it. Hopefully, we (Majin Hentai X and I, The Animaniac Dude) will be able to finish the academy arc, complete with forbidden scroll, next chapter.

On leaving Metsuki: yes, it needed to be done, people. To quote Baal of yarns, that particular subplot needed to bake before it came out of the oven. There is a reason for that, which WILL be eventually revealed!

On 'ignored Hinata': ah, you guys think that that's going to be a constant stat? You forget the other avatars! Remember, this is STANDARD Naruto! The CANON version of Naruto! Chew on THAT bone for a while!

On Metsuki: she is a permanent addition, yes. And she is one year older than Sasuke, making her the middle child of the Uchiha children.

On Avatars: before you ask, yes, there will occasionally be Avatars based off of other stories on . We (MHX and I) will contact you if we want to include your character. Otherwise, it's a secret who we'll include. And yes, almost all avatars except Standard Naruto will be AU, or non-canon. And he's not changing avatars for a while. He's not even completely used to the idea that he's stuck in a video game, what makes you think he's gonna screw up his entire existence and everything he's known? He's sticking to his guns, what he knows best. We already have where he first changes avatars completely planned out somewhere during the Sasuke retrieval arc, so stop bugging us about it.

On the harem: oh, come on! You think this is gonna be a story where he finds out he's pretty much immortal and starts picking up hunnies to screw senseless? 'coughChuninExamDaycough' Get real! Before this happened, he was fan-boying over Sakura! He's having a panic attack over ONE girl liking him besides Sakura, much less 5+! (we haven't quite worked out what's the limit yet, though he's not going to have all the elemental countries as his bitches) before the video game, he was monogamous, so it's going to be a while before he adapts to the idea that he can get multiple girls. Back off, pervs.

On Chibi-Reaper: MHX has informed me that he gained permission from Chibi-Reaper, the author of Naruto: the Video Game, to take the general idea of his story and twist it around. So yes, we stole the idea from Chibi-reaper. Even if we actually didn't steal it.

On stats: yes, they will change with the avatars. They will not be a constant.

And, that's it! Back to MHX! Majin, if you will!

Well thank you Dude

I hope you all enjoyed Chapter 4 of Naruto:Game of the Year Edition so read and review I need constructive criticism if i'm going to be a better writer and sorry about this chapter taking so long my social life and personal business interfered.


	5. Exit the Academy

Majin Hentai X the fifth coming

The smoke cleared revealing an uninjured Hitler holding out a single smoking palm. MHX pales and sweat drops.

Normal speech "Well, that's bad time for plan B!"

_Thoughts/normal writing 'I hope this works.' _Sticking out his left hand there is a black flash as a sheathed odachi appears in his hand.

**Greater being/game writing**** "Take this you fascist genocidal douche bag"**

Techniques: Ittō-Ryū Iai: Shishi Sonson

Disappearing behind Hitler MHX skids forward on his knees as he sheaths his word with a click as a massive silver slash of energy appears across the Nazi's chest.

* * *

Naruto happily slurped down yet another bowl of ramen as Iruka looked on with a mixture of disgust, awe, and horrified fascination. Teuchi chuckled as he leaned onto the counter, grinning. "First time treating him?"

"Yeah… this is his ninth bowl… and he's still going strong…" Iruka gaped as Naruto slapped the bowl down, eerily reminding the chunin of a shot glass.

"Refill!" Naruto shouted. The ramen cook merely grabbed the bowl and switched it out with another, pre-made bowl. Naruto dug in. Iruka fingered his wallet in worry.

"How long does this usually go on?" He asked. Teuchi tapped his chin.

"Oh, I'd say, about to fifteen bowls or so. Although, one time he went all the way to eighteen when he skipped lunch." Iruka's eyes widened. Teuchi knew what he was going to say. "Wallet can't take it?"

"Hell no!" he hissed. "How do I stop him!?" Teuchi nodded knowingly.

"Try getting him to talk. He usually doesn't eat and ends earlier with some conversation." Iruka whirled around in his seat, nearly knocking over his own empty ramen bowl.

"So, Naruto! How's life been for you?" Iruka said boisterously, trying, hoping that it would break his concentration. Naruto slurped up the chopstick-full of ramen before speaking.

"Eh, pretty good. Not too much has happ-" he stopped speaking and frowned. "Oh, wait. There is something new. Say, uh, Iruka-sensei. Uh, I've got this friend, you see…" Iruka arched his eyebrow.

'Not withstanding his reputation with the villagers, I would know any of the friends in the academy. Is it one of 'Those' situations?' outwardly, he nodded. "Yeah?"

"Well, for a long time, he's liked… this girl that he knows." Iruka could have blanched right then and there.

'Oh, dear kami, it's girl problems. Worst person to turn to, EVER.' He nodded. "Uh huh, yeah? Does she know?" Naruto blinked and frowned.

"Umm, well, kinda…" Come to think of it, he hadn't really been all that forward to Sakura in this life. 'I suppose that's a good thing, given the situation…' he pondered. He shook his head. "No. she knows, but she definitely doesn't remember... my friend telling her." Iruka's eyes widened.

'Ah, a childhood friend. This shouldn't be as painful as I thought.' "Well, then, what's the problem? You… your friend should just tell her and see what happens!"

"Well, you see…" Naruto fiddled in his seat. "He just found out that… this other girl likes him. Like, A LOT. And for a long time. And he just figured it out now." Iruka gaped openly.

'My god… he's only twelve, and he's already in a love triangle… Naruto, you lucky sunnovabitch.' Iruka hmmed and stroked his chin, as if he actually knew something about the subject. "Ah. I see your friend's problem."

"So, he feels really guilty about not figuring out the girl liked him until now, and he doesn't know what to do. He told me, and I figured I'd ask you. So what do you think I… should tell my friend? Which girl should he choose?" Iruka thought back to all the books he'd read and mentally ticked off all of the ideas off his 'Fingers'.

'_No, no, no, DEFINITELY no, maybe, HELL NO, and, Jiraiya never gives good advice, so no, I can't tell him to get both. damn, what do I say.' He opened his mouth and free-balled it.'_

"Neither." Naruto blinked.

"Huh?" Iruka grinned.

'that might just work!' "Your friend should choose neither of the two girls. He's still a child, right?" Naruto nodded. "He's still in school, right?" Naruto, after some thought, nodded again. "Well, then, he shouldn't even be worrying about that for a while. He's still got time, so he should figure it out at his own pace, and not feel forced to make a decision. Is your friend a ninja?" Naruto nodded enthusiastically.

"Oh, yeah! The best ninja ever!"

Iruka chuckled. _'That sealed it, it's him.'_

"Even more reason not to get romantic. If he's still a genin, then he shouldn't get someone attached to him romantically. If he dies on a mission-"

"But I can't die! I have-" Naruto shouted, before clapping a hand over his mouth. Iruka pretended he didn't hear the outburst.

"If, by some freak accident, he does die, then leaving a girlfriend behind to mourn is incredibly irresponsible of him." Naruto's eyes widened and he looked away, looking ashamed. Iruka smiled. "Understand? You…your friend has time. He should become a better ninja, so he DOESN'T die. He can wait." The blonde nodded.

"Thanks, Iruka-sensei. I'll go tell him." He hopped off the stool and waved. "See you tomorrow, Iruka-sensei!" Iruka chuckled good-naturedly and waved back. He breathed a sigh of relief and turned back to the stand.

"Wow. I can't believe that actually worked."

"Yeah, I've never seen him stop that quickly." Teuchi came out form he back. "You've got the magic touch, sir." Iruka looked up.

"Oh, I was talking about my explanation! I was winging it most of the time! I can't believe that he believed me!" Teuchi nodded.

"But hey, who would've thought he had that many girls?" Iruka chuckled.

"Who would've thought?" Teuchi slapped the bill down.

"You're paying right?" Iruka picked up the bill and wept.

"There goes my paycheck…"

* * *

Naruto whistled as he walked down the cobbled streets, happier than he had been for a long time. '_Ignore them! Brilliant! It takes care of the problem immediately! Trust Iruka-sensei to come up with a brilliant idea like that!' he tapped his chin. Of course, now that leaves the problem of what to do for the rest of the day. I seem to be getting a lot of that lately…'_

"AGAIN!!" a loud voice called out. Naruto nearly leaped out of his skin at the unknown command.

"Yes, sensei!" a much younger voice replied. He DID, however, recognize that voice.

"Fuzzy-brows?" He asked the wind. He trotted towards the shouting faintly surprised. Around the corner, both rock Lee and Gai were kicking boulders. The only odd thing about it is that they were both in hand-stands. And the rock was airborne. And they were somehow juggling it with their feet.

"AGAIN!!" Gai shouted, while foot-juggling his boulder.

"Yes, sensei!" Rock Lee shouted, before kicking his boulder at a tree, which had obviously already taken heavy abuse. The boulder was the final straw as the entire creation toppled under the stress. Gai kicked his own boulder at a tree and snapped it in half as well, before flipping up onto his feet.

"Yosh! You have done well, my adorable little student! This exercise will greatly increase the power behind your kicks! Practice this every day until you can break the tree in one attack!"

"Yosh! And if I cannot break the tree, I shall climb the Hokage monument one-handed!" Rock Lee cheered.

"And if you cannot make it to the top, then I shall carry you on my back as I run around Konoha five times!"

"And if you collapse on the way, then I shall carry you to the hospital while hand standing!"

"LEE!!"

"GAI-SEN-"

"Can you PLEASE not do you man-hugs while I'm still conscious! I'd rather not have more mental scars than I already do!" Naruto interrupted, cutting off the (in his mind) sunset-of-hell jutsu. Gai snapped up, eyes gleaming.

"Oho! A youthful challenger approaches! Rock lee, do you accept his challenge?"

"Yes, sensei!" Rock Lee pumped his fist. "I shall win this taijutsu challenge!" Naruto blinked and backpedaled rapidly.

"Wait, what? whoa, whoa, whoa! Nobody challenged nobody! I was just here watching you juggle boulders! I'm not fighting fuzzy-brows in straight taijutsu, I'd get my ass kicked!" Gai frowned and crossed his arms.

"Ignoring those unyouthful swears, why would you be beaten?"

"Because he's fuzzy-brows!" Naruto repeated. Gai arched a massive eyebrow, and the blonde realized he had to elaborate. "Because he's a taijutsu freak that's been training since he could walk or something, I don't know! I'm gonna be the Hokage one day, but even I'd get my butt handed to me in hand-to-hand with him!" Gai grinned, his teeth pinging.

"Yes! And it was I, the prideful green beast of Konoha, who trained him! Although, it wasn't since he could walk. It's really only been a year." Naruto whirled around and pointed an accusing finger at lee.

"EHHHHH!!!?" He screamed. Gai laughed.

"Hahahaha! You are bursting with youth, young one! Nevertheless, let us see a quick spar. Do not worry! Lee will go easy on you!" Lee nodded.

"Yes, sensei!" he settled into his Strong Fist stance. Naruto grimaced.

"Why me…?" He whined before settling into a low crouch. Gai frowned and held up a hand.

"Lee! Stop!" Lee stood and bowed. Gai strode forward and looked once at the stance. "Where did you learn that stance?"

"Uh, in the academy! It's what I was taught!" Naruto shrugged. Gai's eyes hardened.

"Well, I can tell you right now, that that is most definitely NOT the academy stance. That is little more than the stance of a drunken brawler. If you went out in the field with such a bastardized style, you would be killed in seconds." Naruto looked down at his feet and scowled.

"Yet another time I was duped." He muttered. Gai frowned even deeper.

"This is not the first time this has happened?" He asked. Naruto jerked his head up, embarrassed he heard his griping.

"Umm… yeah. Yeah, this has happened before. The assistants are always switching tests from the previous chunin exams on me, and I'm always sent to detention during field practice time with taijutsu and target practice." Gai blinked and scowled.

"…you're Naruto Uzumaki, aren't you?" He nodded.

"Yep. That's me. Most hated kid in Konoha." He snapped a grin onto his face. "But it's not all bad! I get the bastards back eventually! They do that to me, they wake up with their underwear up a flagpole!" Gai thought about it for a moment, before grinning.

"It is only right for such unyouthful behavior to be punished so!" He tapped his chin for a moment, before nodding. "If you would like, I could include you in my training with lee. You wouldn't be doing the same exercises, as your body isn't conditioned to that kind of youthful workload yet, but you can still learn with us!" Naruto looked up.

"Seriously?" Gai nodded and did his 'nice guy' pose, teeth sparkling. "Sweet!" Naruto whooped. Gai flipped his bowl cut and grinned.

"Now, if you're going to do these training regimens with us, you're going to have to wear this!" He pulled out a green spandex suit identical to the ones that he and Lee were wearing. Naruto balked.

"Oh, hell no! I'm not wearing that monstrosity! That thing's gaudier than my jumpsuit!!" Gai frowned.

"You think we wear these because of fashion statements? No! these are practical!" He swept a hand down his suit. "These allow us a full range of movement, letting us use any and all taijutsu we like! If we used baggy clothing, or things with a loose fit, they would interfere with our fighting! And it is most unyouthful to die from tripping on the back of your pants while using falcon leg style!" He swept a hand to Rock Lee. "He was skeptical about the idea as well, but he is now an excellent taijutsu user after practicing in that!" Naruto gaped, looking at the outfit in guy's hands in a new light.

"You're kidding! Those things have a purpose?" His brain caught up to the conversation, and he whirled on rock lee. "Wait! You didn't want to wear that before!? Huh?"

"Yes, I didn't want to wear it! But when Gai-sensei joined me in the regimen wearing the same, I could not refuse!" Gai struck a pose.

"I shall lead by youthful example!!"

"GAI-SENSEI!!"

"LEE!!"

"GAI-SENSEI!!"

"L-"

"Alright, alright, I get it already!" Naruto wedged himself between the two and pried them apart from each other. "I'm doing this under protest, and you have to dye one of those things in orange-"

"Done."

"Then I'll wear one of your spandex thingies. But only at this training ground!" Gai shrugged.

"Well, you're not one of my students, so I suppose I can't force any more than that." He pulled an orange jumpsuit out of nowhere (Naruto absently wondered where the hell he was hiding it) and handed it to Naruto. Naruto took a hold of the object…

And the world froze. The jumpsuit flashed once and slid out of his hands. Naruto jumped back and yelped in shock. "Huh!? The hell!?" the piece of clothing hung in the air as a giant shimmer grew out of it.

**Special item: Taijutsu suit acquired! **Said words that appeared beneath it. **Bonuses: 25 percent increase of taijutsu mastery speed! -1 stealth! +1 acrobatics! +1 flexibility! **Naruto blinked.

"Wow. This hasn't happened in a while. I almost forgot I was in this video game thingy. And what's with the bonuses?" the spandex suit didn't answer, an instead floated peacefully back down to Naruto's outstretched hands.

"Although I wish you would wear it whenever you do taijutsu training." Gai continued. Naruto looked up and blinked owlishly.

"Huh?" Naruto asked._ 'When did time unfreeze?'_

"I said, I hope that you are training in taijutsu, and not just when training with me, that you wear that suit, even though I don't have the authority to enforce that." Gai repeated. Naruto shrugged.

"Only when there's not anybody around. I'm not being caught dead in that thing." He slung the article over his shoulder and ran behind a tree. "Are we training today?" he asked as he slung his jumpsuit over a branch. Gai grinned and pulled a 'nice guy' pose.

"Yes, my youthful student! Today, we shall train until we can train no more!" Naruto walked out from behind the tree, clad uncomfortably in the orange spandex and itching his crotch.

"Ah, jeez. Not only is this thing so damn weird-looking, it itches like hell down there! How do you guys manage it?" Gai looked at him completely seriously.

"It's called, free-balling." Naruto sweat dropped hard he could never look at those two the same again.

* * *

"NARUTO!!!!!" Iruka shouted. Naruto's head whipped, completely unprepared.

"NYAAAH!!! Tiger seal, Nidaime Tsuchikage, Rasengan, please Gai-sensei, no more weights, my feet are bleeding!!" the class burst out into laughter as Naruto went red in the face. "I… uh… was that out loud?"

"Yes. Yes it was." Iruka deadpanned. "now that we're all here AND AWAKE…" Naruto shot him the bird. He ignored it. "We are ready to take the genin test. Now, if you just use what you've learned throughout the year and not try and get too flashy, you'll do fine. While you only have to pass three out of the five tests, please try and do your best on all of them." He took a sip of his coffee. "in order to help us with this, I have enlisted the help of one of my fellow teachers. I expect you to show Mizuki-sensei the same respect you show me." Naruto's eyes narrowed.

_'Oh, hell no…'_

"Thank you for those kind words, Iruka-sensei." Mizuki said politely from the doorway. Now, if we're all ready, we can head outside to start the taijutsu portion of the tests. Follow me, please." Naruto scowled deeply as he stood. He discretely walked by Iruka's desk, where he was still stationed.

"Oi. Iruka-sensei." Naruto whispered. "My 'little friend' doesn't like him one bit." Iruka's eyes widened.

"What!?" He hissed. "Why!?"

"He smells way too much like snake, whatever that means." Iruka's eyes bugged out, before quickly composing himself.

"I'll get the Hokage to post a squad of anbu on him. If he's selling secrets to who I think he is, then he is a dangerous liability. You be careful, Naruto, and keep this to yourself." Naruto grinned.

"But seriously! That was a good prank yesterday, right?" He said much louder. "I think I did a pretty good rendition of the Hokages!" Iruka scowled, playing along.

"Naruto, you had the shodaime digging for gold and the Nidaime trying to eat it off of his finger!!" Naruto nodded, grinning.

"Yep! Somebody needed to knock them down a peg! Everybody respects them way too much!" Iruka kneaded his forehead.

"Just, go to your taijutsu session." Naruto grinned and leaped out of the window. The fact that he landed right on Mizuki in the middle of a lecture had nothing to do with it. "Whoops! Sorry!"

"YOU FAIL!!!" Mizuki shouted. Naruto frowned.

"Hey, screw you! The test was to get in a hit on you, and I did! You have to factor in surprise when you do these tests!" Mizuki's assistant nodded.

"Very good, Naruto-san! He has a point, Mizuki-san! There are rarely any straight-out ninja fights, where both are out in the open." Mizuki's face split into a grimace.

"FINE!! Pass the bastard for all I care! God, I'm going to be walking funny all week! I feel like my spine's broken!" Naruto grinned and pulled up one of the water bottles left laying about.

"Sorry!" he quipped as he took a drag. He walked up to Sakura, who was once again chatting with Ino. "Hey, Sakura! Whaddaya think of that?"

"Is he going to be okay?" the girl asked, casting worried glances to the teacher. Naruto looked over his shoulder at him.

"Nah, he's fine! If he can still hold off some of these guys, then he's better than he says. He's just being melodramatic." _'And trying to get me in trouble.'_ He added to himself. "But hey! That was pretty clever of me to come up with, right?"

"That was actually pretty smart, Naruto! Where'd you get that idea?" Ino complimented. Naruto grinned and futzed with the goggles on his forehead.

"He probably got the idea from Sasuke-kun!" Sakura declared. Naruto's hand slipped, as did his grin.

"Oh, come on Sakura! You've been stuck on Sasuke since the day you saw him, and he's never gone on a date with you, once! There are other guys in the world, you know!" Ino rolled her eyes.

"Sasuke-kun will learn to love me one day!" Sakura pumped her fist. Ino rolled her eyes. Naruto slowly started backing away. '_This is venturing dangerously close into unknown territory.'_ He noted as he took a sip of the water bottle.

"Why are you so infatuated with him, anyways? There are other cute guys. Like kiba, if he weren't such a obnoxious loudmouth! And that one kid, from way back when who saved Metsuki-chan from that guy! He probably grew up to be a looker!" Naruto offered up his mouthful of water to the gods of the spit-take. All over Ino. "HEY!! Why'd you spew on me, idiot!?"

'_Hack! Cough!'_ "Sorry! That was an accident!" Naruto wheezed. "Water went down the wrong pipe!" Ino grimaced and wiped away the fluids.

"Gross!" Naruto edged away, before being exposed to her girly wrath.

"Sorry!" _'Please don't hit me!'_

* * *

"Alright, class! For this portion of the test, you will be graded on your skill with kunai and shuriken. Please do your best." Mizuki rubbed his back as he said this. Naruto stared at the kunai in his hand.

"Fuck. This, may be a problem." He swore. He had trained with team Gai multiple times, and he had seen Tenten doing target practice enough to know that his skill with throwing weapons was drastically skewed._ 'Probably from all the detentions during training.'_ He mused. _'should've thought of this earlier when I had time to correct it.'_ He shrugged. "Ah, well. What happens, happens."

"Begin!!" Mizuki shouted. With a groan of frustration, Naruto whipped out the five kunai and shuriken at the target. Three fell pitifully short, two shot far beyond the boundaries, and three more bounced harmlessly off the target. Only a lone pair of kunai and shuriken found their mark, embedding in the center, mere centimeters from each other. Naruto blinked.

"…the hell went wrong with that? That's even worse than normal! Usually I get at least half on the target!" Mizuki walked over to Naruto's board, took one looked and grinned maliciously.

"Oooh, too bad Naruto-kun! Looks like that's a fail!" he scribbled an X over Naruto's name and moved on. Naruto glared daggers at his back.

_'Just you wait, you smug bastard… you won't be so cocky when you're hanging from the top of the Hokage tower by your tighty whities!'_ Naruto shuddered at the image. _'Yeesh. Only old people can wear those. Anywhere else, it's just… wrong.'_

* * *

"Now, we'll move on to the next portion of the test. If you can perform a successful kawarimi, you'll move on to the next section. Iruka said, sitting at his desk. He picked up the list of names and cleared his throat. "Asakura Aiji!" Naruto frowned and slumped back in his chair.

_'__Man! This is the boring part! Now we gotta wait in line and all! But it's Iruka-sensei instead of that bastard Mizuki, so I guess it's okay.'_ He drummed his fingers impatiently as Iruka slowly worked down the list. While he tested, Naruto thought.

_'What am I gonna do about Mizuki, anyway? If I pass, then he might find one of the other shmoes who didn't pass and get them to do his dirty work. And then he might actually make off with the scroll!' he tapped his chin. 'I don't really need the jutsu all that much… I mean, I've got Kakashi and Jiraiya, eventually…'_

_**'I honestly hope you're kidding when you said that, fleshbag.'** Naruto nearly leaped out of his seat._

_'Kyuubi!? What the hell!? I thought you could only talk to me when I was asleep!!'_

_**'So did I, but apparently somebody just unsealed a demonic enhancer. I didn't even know there were any left.'**_ Naruto mentally cocked his head.

_'Huh? Demonic whoziwhatzy?'_ Kyuubi face palmed.

_**'Demonic enhancer. They're artifacts from ancient times, before even my time. They multiply our power a hundred times over, which could make even the weakest of demons strong enough to take on a Biju. You humans hunted down all of the enhancers you could find and destroyed them, and because we have since forgotten how to make them, our forces have been forever crippled. Apparently, at least one is still around. In Konoha, if it's affecting me this much.'**_

_'Oh. Cool.'_

_**'Yes, but that is beside the point, fleshbag. You humans are pitifully weak and frail. If I'm going to be stuck here with you for god-knows however long this loop will take, then I'm going to be damn sure that you get as strong as you can. I'd like to be free to terrorize the world again as soon as possible, and that's not going to happen if you keep dieing over and over. You are going to get that scroll and memorize your human techniques if I have to drag you there myself.'**_

_'Ummm… thanks. I think. So you want me to fail. I can deal with that, I've done it before.'_

"Naruto Uzumaki!" Naruto leaped out of his seat at the call.

"What!? What!?" He shouted. Iruka arched an eyebrow.

"Your turn." The blonde grinned.

"Oh, is that it?" In the blink of an eye, Naruto was in Iruka's lap, having replaced the teacher's coffee with himself. "Tell me a story, daddy! It's story time!" He said in a high, petulant voice not unlike a toddler. Iruka screeched and pushed him off his lap as the class howled with uncontrolled laughter. Naruto scowled and crossed his arms over himself. "That's child abuse! You're not a very good daddy!"

"GET BACK IN YOUR SEAT!!" Iruka yelled, a massive blush of humiliation across his face. Naruto huffed mock-indignantly and sat down. "Despite the… unorthodox-ness and blatant disregard of personal space, that would have to count as a pass." Naruto whooped as he picked up Iruka's coffee and sipped it.

"Woo! Hot and black! How I like my women and my coffee! Nice choice, Iruka-sensei!"

"GIVE ME BACK MY COFFEE!!!!!!"

* * *

"This next test will require your successful usage of Henge. And if you'll notice, the students that failed the three tests before this are no longer with us. While it's sad, it's a fact of life that some of you are not cut out for the ninja life." Iruka, now with coffee in hand, picked up the list again. "Asakura Aiji!" Naruto sighed and closed his eyes.

_'Yet another long wait. This is what sucks about having your last name start with U. it's always at the back of the line.'_ Naruto frowned. _'Man, what am I supposed to do now? Nap or something? Think?' _He nodded. _'Alright, think I shall. If it doesn't hurt my brain, that only question is, what to think about?'_ He tapped his chin._ 'I suppose this whole video game thing is worth thinking about. I mean, why? If fuzz-butt is right in his guess, then I'm saving the world or something. But, why me? I'm gonna be Hokage and all, but that's not special. There's other kages out there that probably could do the job better than I could. There's also people who don't have fuzzy problems in their gut. So, why me?'_

_'And why JUST me? I mean, it would be way easier to do… whatever I need to do if I had other people with me to help. So why am I flying solo?' _Naruto tapped his chin. '_Maybe it has something to do with kyuubi. But, no. if fuzz-butt's the reason, then there are eight other people that could join that Gaara kid. So, whatever's causing this, it has nothing to do with fuzz-butt. Then, why?'_ Naruto frowned. _'It all keeps coming back to that single question: why? God, what I wouldn't give for some help…'_

"Naruto Uzumaki!" Iruka called out. Naruto blinked.

"Really? My turn? Sweet!"

"Transform into the Hokage." Naruto pouted.

"That's no fun! How about this!" He slapped his hands together. "Oroike no jutsu!"

BAM!! Iruka went flying into the wall, spurting blood. Naruto transformed back into himself, laughing. "WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, that NEVER gets old!!!"

"YOU MORON!!! Don't invent stupid skills!!" Iruka shouted, pieces of a hastily-ripped up memo shoved up his nose. Naruto grinned.

"But it's not useless!! Use Oroike no jutsu on dirty old ninjas in the battlefield, and they'll be so stunned that a teammate can incapacitate him! You taught that in battlefield strategy!" Iruka opened his mouth to scream, but froze and snapped his jaw shut.

"I… see. That is… a very… INVENTIVE way of using the Henge no jutsu." Naruto pumped his fist.

_'YES!! I can't believe I remembered that in time!'_ "So do I pass?"

"Well… you DO still have to transform into the Hokage…" Iruka started, but Naruto wasn't listening anymore. He was running for his life from the irate females. "…but if you're that… detailed, then I can imagine you can do it. You pass. Now go hide out somewhere until they calm down." At some hot spring Jiraiya sneezed.

* * *

"Whoo! Good excersize! Now I'm pumped!" Naruto grinned as he stepped into the examination room. "Good waste of time, too! It's my turn already!" Iruka nodded.

"Alright, Naruto. The final test is to create two clones." Naruto whipped his hand up.

"Question! Can we use other types of clones?" Mizuki's eyebrows shot up.

"You know more than one? Iruka, if he knows more than one, then that is impressive enough to pass!" after a moment's thought, Iruka shook his head.

"No. the Guidelines clearly state that you have to use the techniques taught at the academy. Otherwise, all of the clan children, would have an advantage with their unique clones, like the Aburame's bug clones." Naruto swore.

"Damn! You serious?" _'It makes sense, in retrospect, but that means I probably won't pass.'_ He cracked his neck and molded his fingers. "Oh, well! Let's get this train wreck a-rollin'!"

POOF! Two clones flopped down onto the ground. One of them immediately picked itself up and dusted off the illusionary grime, while the other lay there, dead to the world. Naruto arched his eyebrows. _'Wow! Two clones! And one can be used! That's an improvement.'_

"FAIL!!!" Iruka shouted. Mizuki waved his hands placatingly.

"Now, now, Iruka, be reasonable! He did create the required two clones, and this is his last chance to pass…" Iruka shook his head.

"He did create the two clones, but one of them is useless. I can't let him pass."

-------------------------------------

Naruto sat on the swing outside the academy, swinging back and forth, watching the joyful children exclaim their passing to their parents. '_Man, does that ever suck. I know we tried to do it on purpose, but this still hurts like a bitch. I mean, if my control was just a little better, then I COULD have passed!'_

**_'Quit your whining, brat. At least now we get our hands on that enhancer.'_ **Kyuubi growled. Naruto arched an eyebrow.

_'Why would you need something like that, anyways? You're already the strongest one out there.'_

**_'Better me, who won't use it, then someone else, who will use it and try and usurp my position.'_ **Naruto rolled his eyes.

_'Right. Because that makes total sense.'_ He leaned back onto the other rope._ 'But hey! At least I could learn some other techniques! Maybe this time I'll actually be able to tell what some of them mean!'_

**_'What, you couldn't read the last time?'_ **Kyuubi said incredulously.

'Hey, hey, hey! Not like that! I could just, you know, puzzle out the big kanji. You know, the titles of the jutsu! Probably most of the trouble I had learning kage bunshin was trying to figure _out how to do it with only a few pictures to help!'_ Kyuubi face palmed.

_**'If I actually cared about you, I'd probably sic some of my minions on your teachers. But I don't.'**_

_'Thank you SO much for that vote of confidence.'_

* * *

"You know, it's rather sad how easily it was to knock out the Hokage with Oroike no jutsu. I'm just glad I came up with it, and not some other village." Naruto mused as he hopped away with the scroll. "Now, where did Mizuki say to take the scroll?" he plunked down in the forest and opened it up. "Kage Bunshin! Already got that one! Let's find something else interesting!"

**_'Brat. the demonic enhancer... it's in here. I can feel it.'_ **The kyuubi whispered huskily. **_'The power... it's coursing through my veins... even I, the strongest Biju in millenia, have never felt this strong...'_ **Naruto quirked an eyebrow.

"Ohhh... kay? sure. you want me to get it? I guess..." He rolled the scroll out farther, arching an eyebrow. "Damn. this thing has lot of jutsu." His eyes were drawn to the header above where he got the kage bunshin technique. "'Restricted'? the hell does that mean?" He rolled it out farther. "'Forbidden'? there's another section!? is it in there?"  
**"No... farther... hurry..." **Naruto rolled his eyes.

"You sound like a guy who's finally getting some ass perv." He rolled it out to the very end. "'Demon.' well, that's a creative name right there. The wonders of originality never cease to amaze me." He quickly realized that this section was a lot smaller than the other sections. "All right, fuzz-butt. where is it?"

**'_The thirteenth entry... please...'_ **The fox growled. Naruto skimmed to the entry and read the dialogue.

_Artifact: Usage unknown.  
Hokage: Sandaime  
Comments: After the kyuubi attacked, another demon, a bear, according to the five squads of ANBU dispatched to fight it, followed quickly behind. They were able to defeat it, but at the loss of four of the five squads. Rat picked up this artifact from it's corpse, which seems to be it's source of massive power. I have no idea what this is, as there are no references to this sort of phenomenon in any of Konoha's history books. As such, I have sealed it in here until further notice._

"Wow. detailed. but just what I'd expect from the old man!" Naruto grinned. "Let's do this!" he bit his finger and swiped it across the corresponding seal. With a burst of displaced air and a cloud of smoke, the Enhancer was released. Naruto blinked."A necklace? You're getting all hyped up over a piece of JEWELRY?"

**'_For god's sake, boy! PUT IT ON!!!_' **The Kyuubi screamed. Naruto grumbled as he placed it around his neck.

WHOOSH!!! with a burst of light, the necklace studded with blood rubies shone with a radiant light, floating off his neck. Naruto blinked.  
"Whoa! it's a special item!"

**Special Item: Demonic Enhancer Obtained! Bonuses: 100 percent increase of Demon and Hanyou chakra! +3 demonic jutsu! +2 aggression! Note: usable only by Demon Naruto! **The artifact blinked once and disappeared, replaced by an Uzumaki swirl, before that blinked away as well. Naruto blinked.

"...huh? where did it go?"

**_'Wherever it went, it's far away from here. I can't feel it's power anymore.'_ **Kyuubi said, sounding much calmer than just a few seconds ago._**'Well, if nobody gets it, then that's fine with me.'**_

"Still leaves the fact that I need a new technique." Naruto wound it back to the restricted section and read through. "hmm… let's see… no… no… useful, but no… celestial gates, I could get that from the caterpillar twins, so no… ooh! Here's a good one!" He exclaimed as he folded it to the sixth entry in the restricted section.

_Jutsu; Fuuton: Senpu no Nakami_

_Hokage: Sandaime_

_This jutsu was brought to my attention by one of the ninjas under my command. It creates a massive chakra-laced whirlwind that is controlled by the user and slices through anything in it's path. However, due to the massive toll it takes on chakra (if I had the intention of using other techniques then even I would only be able to keep it going for a few minutes) I have labeled this an A-rank jutsu and placed this into the restricted section._

"That jutsu… was made for me." Naruto finally spoke. "I am SO learning how to do that!"

**_'I honestly hope you're not trying to learn that here.'_ **Kyuubi growled. **_'If the destructive force is what the fleshbag wrote, then you'd level the entire forest trying to learn it. Find a better place.'_ **Naruto's grin slipped.

"Oh, damn. You've got a point. Uh, um, I'll just write down the seals and practice on one of my missions!" He discretely ripped off a piece of the scroll and wrote down all the necessary information. He stuck it in his pocket, just in time for Iruka to leap down from the canopy.

"I found you…" Naruto laughed and pointed at Iruka.

"Hey, look! I found the perv!"

"IDIOT!! I found YOU!!"Iruka screamed with demon-head-of-hell no jutsu. Naruto had to think for a moment to remember what he said before.

"Man…! I only managed to learn one thing… but you'll let me pass with that, right!?" Iruka was thrown off-kilter.

"Huh? Wait, what? So, you stole the scroll… so you could graduate?" Naruto nodded.

"Yeah! Mizuki told me about your secret way of passing! He told me about this place, too!" Iruka's eyes widened.

"Look out!!!" He shoved the jinchuriki to the side, only to get impaled by a hail of kunai. Naruto had to restrain his killing intent as his teacher was pinned to a wall. Mizuki landed on a nearby tree branch, smirking.

"Nice job finding the moron!"

"I get it… so that's what's going on…" Iruka glared at his colleague as he tugged a kunai from his shoulder.

"Naruto!! Give me the scroll!" Mizuki shouted. Naruto tried to look visibly confused.

"Wait, what!? You attack Iruka-sensei and you tell me to hand you a scroll!? The hell's going on here!?"

"NARUTO!! Whatever you do, don't give him that scroll! That scroll has dangerous forbidden jutsu inside of it!! Mizuki used you to get his hands on it!!" Naruto's eyes faux-widened.

"What…?" he tried to make his voice warble. Mizuki grinned.

"Naruto… there's no point in you having it… because of what you are. I'll tell you the truth." Iruka's eyes widened.

"Huh? But, Mizuki… he…" Naurto turned to his teacher and, unknown to the assailant, winked. He understood the ruse after that. "NO!! DON'T!!"

"Twelve years ago… you know about the Kyuubi being killed, right?" Mizuki smirked and brushed a hand through his hair. "Since that day, a special rule was created." Naruto looked suitably confused.

"…a rule?"

"But, this rule was never meant to be told to you." Mizuki looked down on Naruto, both metaphorically and literally.

"Why not me!? What's this rule you're talking about?" mizuki laughed once. "What… rule?"

"MIZUKI!!! NO!!!" Iruka shouted.

"The rule that nobody is allowed to talk about you being the Kyuubi!!!" Mizuki shouted. Naruto widened his eyes to the maximum.

"No…" He breathed.

"STOP!!!!!" Iruka screamed.

"You are the demon that destroyed this village and killed iruka's parents!! You were sealed up by the Hokage and have been lied to by everyone!!"

"STOP IT!!!!!"

"Don't you find it strange how everybody hates you!? Iruka is just the same!! He hates you too!!!" Mizuki whipped out a massively oversized shuriken and threw it at Naruto. The boy merely reached up a hand and plucked it from the air, holding it by the hole in the center. "What!?" Naruto smiled wide twitching just a little.

"Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm… hehehehehe… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Naruto laughed uproariously, grinning. "Oh, man! Why the hell do you have a shuriken this big? Compensating for something?" Mizuki was stunned.

"What… but…"

"What? You confused that I'm not on the ground right now, crying like some emo Uchiha bastard?" Naruto grinned. "You know, when you started out, I thought you were going to tell me something I didn't already know! But then you got boring." Mizuki felt like he had been slapped with a wet fish. "Oh, and by the way, Iruka, you did fabulously there, great acting."

"Hey, you were in the spotlight, you had the most to worry about." Iruka grinned as he pulled the last weapon from his gut. Naruto turned back around to the stunned assailant.

"It's pretty easy to piece together. Drunks are pretty easy to pull info from. I've known since I was eight." He grinned. "Oh, and Mizuki? When the tables are turned, you still need to watch your back. It could be fatal." Mizuki stiffened.

"What!?" WHAM!!! He slumped to the ground, unconscious. The shadow clone behind him threw the tree limb to the ground and leaped down to the original's side. Naruto helped his astounded teacher to his feet.

"Nice timing there, boss!" The clone grinned. Naruto replied with the same.

"Well, what can I say? I have a flair for the dramatic!" The two shook hands, and the clone poofed away. Naruto turned around to Iruka. "Kage Bunshin no jutsu. It was the only technique I managed to learn from the scroll." Iruka nodded.

"Then, the different clone thing at the test…" Naruto nodded.

"Yeah, I stole the scroll form the old man a while back, and I learned it then. He never noticed it, though, so no harm no foul!" Iruka smiled.

"Naruto, close your eyes." He did as he was told. When he reopened them, he felt a familiar weight on his head. Iruka smiled. "Congratulations. You passed."

* * *

Well that's chapter five for you guys, girls and gender freaks please read and review.

The more reviews I get the faster the next chapter and quit whining all right quality takes time.


	6. Prankster vs Perverts

Majin Hentai X unleashes at record speed chapter six of Naruto game of the year edition

MHX stands his sword sheathed looking at Hitler the Nazi's face twisted in rage his left arm sliced off the stump bleeding.

Normal speech "How do you like me now jack ass"

_Thoughts/normal writing 'Stupid Nazi just have to cut off his head wait what is he doing' _Hitler stood there holding a black glowing Swastika in his right hand then he disappeared in a blur of motion.

**Greater being/game writing**** "Oh... Shit" **Cried out MHX as Hitler rammed the Swastika into his chest.

Techniques: Holocaust

MHX falls to the floor writhing in pain screaming as flood flows from his eyes nose mouth and ears Hitler grins as he sticks his severed arm back on with a wet snap.

* * *

"Well, all's well that ends well!" Naruto grinned as he walked into his apartment, noting with some dissatisfaction that his lock was busted, yet again. "I really need to figure out how to fix those things on my own, instead of buying replacements all the time." He flopped down in his bed staring at the ceiling. "So. I'm a ninja now. Whoop-de-doo. I should be happy, but now I just feel bored." He grinned and stared at the doodles he had made on the ceiling. "Heh. There's the old man, I think! And there's Kakashi! And… hello, what's that?" he stood on the bed and squinted at the swirl embedded into the grain of the wood. "I didn't do that…" he jumped up and poked the swirl…

Only for it to flash orange once and float out of the wood. "What the hell!?" he shouted, flopping down on the bed. The swirl floated down to the ground and flashed upwards in a pillar of blinding light. When the light died away, there stood Naruto.

Or rather, a transparent Naruto that was limp and colorless. Naruto inched away to the backboard of his bed. "Is… is this part of the video game?" he inched back forward and poked the apparition in the stomach. The ghost straightened up and grinned.

"**Progress saved!" **it said happily as it gained color. **"When you die, you can restart your game from this point on! This option is only available before and after quests!" **a small scroll appeared behind its head.

_Level: 1_

_Ninjutsu mastered: 4_

_Taijutsu mastered: 0_

_Genjutsu mastered: 0_

_Kenjutsu mastered: 0_

_Jutsu Created: 1_

_Miscellaneous mastered: 0_

_Special Jutsu Obtained: 0_

_Special Items Obtained: 2_

_Avatars completed: 0_

_Lives completed: 0_

_Strength Stats gained: 3_

_Intelligence Stats Gained: 2_

Naruto blinked and stared at the scroll. "Oh, oh, um… wait, wait, it's coming to me… that's sort of, um… a stat screen! It shows all the stuff you have!" he frowned. "But man… it's pretty sad how empty it is."

_**'**_**_Incredibly empty. And while my knowledge of your human pastimes is infinitely small, I know enough that there are far more stats in those games than just 'strength' and 'intelligence'.'_ **Kyuubi spoke. Naruto frowned.

"Just another way to show that I got screwed." He brightened up. "Oh, well! Maybe it doesn't show the stats that I don't have any of! And if I die, I don't have to do all those baby years all over again, which is a plus in my book! If I had to wear one more diaper, I was going to bite off somebody's fingers." The save screen flashed once, and disappeared back to the swirl on the ceiling. The swirl also flashed once, and then faded out of the woodwork. "Oh. So that's what they meant by 'available before and after quests.' It means that I can't save except for before and after quests."

**Quest completed! **Naruto leaped back with a yelp at the sudden words. **Completed Konoha academy'! Gained: intelligence: +2! kunai/shuriken skill: +1! Taijutsu skill: +1: Ninjutsu skill: +1! Unlocked: leveling! You are no longer restricted to level one! **The Uzumaki swirl slammed into Naruto's chest, and he felt the empowerment take hold. He grinned and struck a pose.

"Hell yeah! Getting any new skills is good in my book!" he pumped his fist. "Though what's 'leveling' supposed to mean?" he shrugged. "Ah, well. Maybe a good night's sleep will help." He flopped down onto his mattress and was asleep in seconds.

* * *

"Hey, just take the picture!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, yeah, do it!!"

'Sigh' "fine."

CLACK!!

* * *

"What!? It's art!!" Naruto protested as the Sandaime held out his ninja registration form.

"You doodled marker all over your face." Sarutobi deadpanned. Naruto snorted.

"Not much better than ero-sennin."

"Who?"

"Oh, uh, um… Jiraiya." Sarutobi face-palmed.

"So that's where the idea came from… even when you're not here, he causes problems." Naruto squawked with indignation.

"Hey! Don't ignore me!"

"FIGHT ME OLD MAN!!!" Konohamaru shouted as he suddenly rushed into the room, before falling flat on his face.

"Honorable grandson!!" Ebisu exclaimed as he rushed in after the boy. Konohamaru leaped up and whirled around accusingly.

"Who set that trap!?" his eyes settled on Naruto, who was snickering in amusement. "YOU!! You made me trip!"

"Hehehe…! No I didn't!" Naruto snickered. Konohamaru rushed up into his face.

"DON'T DENY IT!!" he shouted. Naruto picked him up with one hand. Now he was pissed.

"I DIDN'T DO It, DAMMIT!! YOU TRIPPED OVER YOUR SCARF!!"

"BRAT!! Put him down, he's the Hokage's grandson!!" Ebisu shouted. Konohamaru smirked. Naruto whacked him on the head.

"You think I give a shit!? He shouldn't come in here, throwing accusations!!"

"HONORABLE GRANDSON!!" Ebisu shouted.

* * *

'_I hope you realize you've got the tarp sideways.'_ Naruto said deadpan as he passed Konohamaru's pitiful attempt at sneaking up on him. The boy dropped the tarp, grinning.

"Just as I thought, you really are all they say you are!"

"Pfft. You just suck at hiding."

"I know! I'll make you my boss! And in exchange…" Konohamaru pointed an accusing finger at Naruto. "TEACH ME THAT OROIKE NO JUTSU THAT YOU USED TO DEFEAT THE OLD MAN!!!" Naruto sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"This again…?"

* * *

"Why do you want to be Hokage?" Naruto asked as his temporary pupil dispelled the Henge and sat down on the log.

"Grandpa gave me the name…" Naruto tuned him out as he stared at the sky.

'Do I really have to do all of this over again? I mean, the novelty's kind of worn off now. Isn't there some kind of way to skip all of this?' he blinked, and grinned._ 'I bet there is! Skip! Skip! Fast forward! Next scene! Continue! Damn, nothing? Ah, well.'_

"…that's why I want the Hokage title." Konohamaru finished. Naruto snorted.

"That's it? You want to be acknowledged? That's stupid." The boy leaped up.

"What!?" Konohamaru screeched.

"Being Hokage means you put your life on the line for everybody in the village! It's not all fun and games!" Naruto loomed over the boy. "For every person in the village, even the ones who you hate with a passion, you give your all to protect! Being Hokage isn't a reward, it's a responsibility!" he stared Konohamaru straight in the eye. "Being Hokage means that you are willing to give your life to protect everyone!" Konohamaru was silent.

"I've found you!!" Ebisu shouted as he leaped to an overhanging tree branch. Naruto glared.

_'The closet perv…'_

"Young master, let us go home…"

"NO!!" Konohamaru shouted. "I'm going to beat the old man and get the Hokage title!! So don't get in my way!!"

"Nonsense. A Hokage must be versed in every aspect of being a Shinobi. He must master a thousand Jutsu, and finally…"

"HENGE!!!" POOF!! "TAKE THIS!! OROIKE NO JUTSU!!" Ebisu merely stared with dumbfounded amazement at the naked curvaceous brunette that was suddenly Konohamaru. The boy blinked and dispelled the illusion. "What!? It didn't work!?"

"WH… WHAT A DISGRACEFUL SKILL!!!!" He screamed shrilly. "I am a gentleman!! Such a perverted technique will not work on me!!" He grabbed the boy's scarf and began yanking on him. "If you hang out with trash like him, you'll become stupid!! Just do as I say!! I'm your quickest shortcut to being Hokage!! Now let's… go… HOME!!!"

"NO!!! LET ME GO!!!" Konohamaru struggled against the iron grip.

"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!!" Naruto multiplied until the entire clearing was full of shadow clones. Ebisu straightened and settled into a fighting stance.

"Humph! I'm not that weakling Mizuki! That technique won't work on me!"

"HENGE!!!" as one, they all transformed.

"YAAAN~! EBISU-SAMA~~~!" the horde of naked female blonds cried out as they dog piled onto him. The tutor twitched once.

Twice.

Three times.

BOOSH!!! With amazing speed, Ebisu rocketed into a tree from the nosebleed and was knocked unconscious. Naruto smirked and dispelled both techniques. "Now, remember, Konohamaru. Sometimes, it takes quantity over quality. In those cases, use Harem no Jutsu."

"YOU'RE AWESOME!! You defeated Ebisu-sensei!! If I use that technique against grandpa, I'll definitely get the Hoka-"

WHAM!! Naruto socked the boy in the face. "You think it's easy, punk!? The Hokage is the greatest ninja in the village!! You think you can get something like that just because an old man has a libido!? No!!" he turned away from him. "To be Hokage…to become the greatest in the land… in the world… there ain't going to be any shortcuts!!" Konohamaru's eyes widened.

"You… you want to be Hokage too, don't you!?" he turned away. "Blah! Stop lecturing me like you know everything!! I'm not letting you be my boss anymore!!" Naruto smirked as he heard the familiar words. "From now on… we're rivals!"

* * *

"Well, there's my trip down memory lane for the day." Naruto smiled as he walked down the streets, ignoring the hateful glares directed at him. "But really, that's really something… having a moldable child in your hands… maybe I'll be a Jounin teacher someday. That'd be nice." He frowned. "I wouldn't be like that closet-perv, though, 'cause he's an ass." He stroked his chin.

"Although… he said he knew a lot about becoming Hokage… and he said that a Hokage must learn one thousand Jutsu… let's see…" He counted off on his fingers. "I've got Henge, Kawarimi, Kage Bunshin, Rasengan, and Oroike no Jutsu. I won't count harem, because that's just combining the two. I need one thousand… and I've got five. Well dammit all if that doesn't suck donkey balls."

* * *

"Hey, Naruto. What are you doing here? Only people who graduated are supposed to be here!" A nameless student who Naruto knew didn't pass asked. Naruto flicked his own protector.

"Hey, hey! Look at the leaf!" He grinned. "Did a little after class extra credit! Kicked Mizuki's ass, too!" The student blinked and whooped. Mizuki wasn't exactly the most favored of teachers among the students.

"Hey, let me through!!" A female voice called out. Naruto blinked and turned to Sakura. His insides went all gooey.

'Ahh…! Sakur-' he caught himself in time. _'That's right; I'm ignoring her until I get stronger.'_ Naruto waved.

"Yo, Sakura! You graduated, too?" The pinkette turned to answer, and was blindsided by eye-hearts.

"AHH!! Sasuke-kun!!" She leaped over Naruto and into the nearby seat. Naruto wilted. "Is this seat taken?"

"Hnn." The Uchiha grunted.

"Oi, teme. The lady asked you a question." Naruto pointed a finger at Sasuke.

"Don't stick out your finger, dobe. Someone will bite it off." Sasuke retorted. Naruto leaped up onto the table, inches from Sasuke's face.

"You wanna fight!?" Naruto growled.

"It wouldn't even be a fight. It'd be like fighting a baby." The two glared at each other. Only at the last second, as he felt a pressure on his butt from the guy in front of him, did he remember the disastrous results of a similar nature.

"OH DEAR SWEET Kami NO." BAM The log smashed into Sasuke's face, and he went sprawling to the ground. Naruto, who was hanging from the ceiling, let out a sigh of relief.

"Oh, dear sweet ever-loving kami, I will thank you for the rest of my life… never again…" He looked down at the struggling Sasuke and the offending object and laughed. "Hey, Sasuke! You got logged!!"

"BAKA. Get down here. Apologize to Sasuke-kun." Sakura screamed. Naruto scowled.

"Hey, it's better than the alternative. Or would you rather I DIDN'T react on time? Hmm? What do you think would have happened THEN?" Sakura opened her mouth to retort, only for her face to go pale as a sheet. Indeed, most of the Sasuke fangirls were the same color. The guys, on the other hand, were a sickly green. Sasuke, amazingly, was both. "EXACTLY!!! Do you REALLY wish that happened!?"

"Naruto, get down from the ceiling!" Iruka, who had amazingly shown up then, sat down at his desk as the boy dropped to the ground. "Now. Starting today, you are all real Shinobi. But you are just Genin. The road ahead of you is harsh. You will all soon be assigned missions that will help the village. So today we will create three man teams, led by a Jounin sensei. You will follow your sensei's instructions in order to complete your missions. Team one…"

_'Hoo, boy. More waiting. This is happening a lot in his class. That, and long, boring lectures. Guess that's what makes Iruka-sensei Iruka-sensei. I wonder if my Genin team will be different. I mean, I DID do better than before… not much better, admittedly, but I still did better.'_

"Team seven! Uzumaki Naruto," Naruto perked up at his name. "Haruno Sakura," Sakura slumped down. Naruto tried to make himself indifferent. "And Uchiha Sasuke."

"HELL YEAH!!" Sakura cheered. Naruto couldn't contain himself any longer as he swore under his breath.

"Damn… the same… not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing…"

* * *

"Why is he so late!?" Sakura whined, lounging about the classroom. "Everybody's left! Even Iruka-sensei left!" Naruto smirked.

"It's Hatake Kakashi. He's late to EVERYTHING. He'd be late to his own funeral if that was possible." He tapped his chin and leaped out the window. "Though it gives us time to prepare the counterattack!"

* * *

"My first impression of you all…" began Kakashi, hanging from the roof by an ankle, covered in chicken feathers, splattered with hot pink dye, and hands submerged in quick-dry cement. "Is that I hate you all." Naruto smirked.

"Shouldn't be late, then, sensei! Gives the enemy time to set traps!"

"Just… get up to the roof." Naruto smirked and nodded to his two teammates. As one, they ran out of the room, leaving the scarecrow hanging there. "Wait… how am I supposed to get up there…? Guys? Teachers? Adorable little Genin who I don't hate anymore? ANYBODY?"

* * *

"So good of you to join us, sensei!" Naruto laughed as Sakura giggled into her hand. Sasuke just smirked. The Jounin merely smashed his fist into the railing, shattering the cement incasing it.

"You left me hanging there for half an hour." He said in a monotone voice. "Did you expect me to get out on my own?"

"You did, didn't you?"

"…"

"Hah! Got you!"

"Shut up." Kakashi sat down on the rail. "Anyways, introduce yourselves. Your name, your likes, your dislikes, your dreams and your hobbies."

"Shouldn't you go first?" said Sakura. Kakashi opened his mouth, but Naruto beat him to it.

"I already know everything about this guy! Hatake Kakashi, likes reading porn and being late, hates people who abandon their teammates, has absolutely NO dreams and has a hobby of fan boying after ero-sennin." the three all stared at him blankly. "Damn, I keep forgetting you people don't know him. Jiraiya."

_'Our sensei is a perv…?' _Sakura mused. Kakashi blinked.

"I just want to know how you know all that." Naruto grinned.

"Oh, I keep an ear to the ground! It helps to have info on the people you work with!" Kakashi eye-smiled.

"Well, then, why don't you go next, Blondie?" Naruto smirked. 'Just to piss him off more.'

"My name is Uzumaki Naruto! I have no intention of telling you my likes and dislikes, I have one dream, and I have a few hobbies!" A visible cluster of veins twitched over Kakashi's visible eye. Naruto smirked. "Sound familiar?"

"I'll get you for this. You next, pinky."

"My name is Haruno Sakura! The thing is like… well, the person I like…" she giggled softly. "My dream for the future…" Here she squealed. "I dislike NARUTO." Naruto slumped. "My hobbies…" she giggled again as she glanced at Sasuke.

"I… see. I think. You, duck-butt. You next." Naruto whooped.

"YES. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT." Kakashi eye-smiled as Sasuke ignored him.

"My name is Uchiha Sasuke. There are a lot of things I dislike, and very few things I like. One of which is my sister. And, I can't call it a dream… it's more of an ambition. The revival of my clan… and to kill a certain man." Kakashi was silent.

"Just as I thought…" he mumbled under his breath. Naruto, however, heard. "Well, that's enough intros. Tomorrow we'll start our duties as Shinobi."

"What kind of duties?" asked Sakura.

"Tomorrow, we'll do some survival training."

"Why is our first duty as ninja training?" Muttered Sasuke. Naruto smirked and said nothing.

"But we already did enough training at the academy!" Sakura protested.

"This isn't your regular training. This time, I'm your opponent." Kakashi started chuckling. _'Sadistic bastard… drawing out all this suspense…'_ Thought Naruto.

"What's so funny, sensei?" Sakura asked.

"Well, it's just that, when I tell you guys, you're totally going to freak out." He chuckled. "Of the twenty seven students that passed, only nine will actually make it to being Genin! This test has a 66 percent chance of failure!" Sakura shrieked. Sasuke's hands clenched. Naruto yawned.

"Really? That's it? That's nothing to what I've done." Kakashi turned to the Genin.

"Oh? And what have you done?" Naruto smirked.

"I've done the impossible!!" He stared straight into Kakashi's single eye, almost daring him to refute what he said. Eventually, Kakashi was forced to look away.

"B-b-b-b-but sensei!! We already passed the academy!! Aren't we already Genin!?" Sakura stuttered.

"Oh, that was just to weed out who could actually BECOME Genin! You still aren't Genin yet. At any rate, you'll show your real skills tomorrow on the training ground. Bring you're A-game tomorrow, you'll need it. Oh, and don't eat breakfast tomorrow. You might throw up." And with that, he poofed away. Naruto burst out laughing.

"BWAHAHAHAHA. Oh, man! Skip breakfast? What does he think we are, idiots!?"

"Idiot!! Don't insult him like that!!" Sakura shouted.

"But think about it!! He told us to bring our A-game tomorrow, but then tells us to skip breakfast! That's contradictory! There's no test out there that would make you throw up! I've seen and done TRAINING that'll do that, but not a test!" Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"It's a trick."

"EXACTLY!! He WANTS us to be weak from hunger!! That will put us on edge, and make us irritable. Maybe make it harder for us to work together." Naruto slapped his hands together. Sasuke snorted and turned away.

"And what makes you think I need your help?" Naruto gave him a critical eye.

"Oh, come on. Not only is he a Jounin, he's Hatake frigging Kakashi. If he REALLY wanted to, he could be Hokage in a few years."_ 'No need to mention that was right before the stink bomb went off.'_ Sakura and Sasuke stiffened. "I heard a few of the Jounins talking about it in the lounge. Not only that, but this guy is crazy obsessed with teamwork, so he'll have cooked up something to test that. If we want to have ANY chance in whatever test he's cooked up, we're gonna need to combine forces." Sasuke, after some hesitation, nodded. Sakura nodded immediately after Sasuke. "Good. Now, go home, eat a good meal, and get some sleep. I'm gonna teach him to never be late to meeting us again!"

* * *

"YOU'RE LATE!!!!" Naruto and Sakura screamed as one. Kakashi eye-smiled.

"Sorry, there were some mice in my apartment roller-skating across my-"

"LIAR!!!!" Sakura screamed. Naruto stroked his chin.

"I dunno, Sakura, that's pretty plausible." Kakashi beamed. "I mean, have you SEEN his apartment? It's filthy! Bachelor pad gone wrong!" the Jounin's smile dropped as all three Genin smirked.

"I'll get you, Blondie." He pulled a timer out of his vest and placed it on a stump. "This clock is set for noon. If you can get these bells," He pulled out two bells. "From me by the time the timer goes off, you'll pass. The one who doesn't get a bell, fails. If you want, you can use kunai and shuriken. If you don't intend to kill me, you'll definitely fail." Naruto smirked.

"Oh, no problems there, sensei. We'll definitely try to kill you. The question is, can you handle it?" there was something DEFINITELY wrong with the evil sheen in Naruto's eyes, Kakashi decided. He shrugged nonchalantly.

"If you say so. Now, start when I say-" Naruto's left middle finger twitched, and the exploding seal directly underneath Kakashi's feet activated. Kakashi only had time for his eyes to widen for he was sent flying into the nearest thicket of trees. Sakura screamed.

"OH MY GOD. Naruto. You killed him." Naruto smirked.

"I doubt it. He's a Jounin; he's made of tougher stuff than that."

"You would be right." Kakashi declared as he placed a kunai to Naruto's neck. Sakura and Sasuke flinched.

_'Impossible…! I didn't even see him move!' _Thought the shocked pinkette_.  
_

_'So… this is a Jounin…'_ Thought Sasuke. Naruto didn't even twitch a muscle. Kakashi had to commend him for that.

"There a reason you started before I said go?" Naruto laughed once.

"Since when do ninjas start when they're supposed to?" Kakashi laughed.

"Against my better judgment, I think I'm starting to like you, Blondie. Go." He released the kunai from his neck, and the three Genin leaped away.

"Since when did you learn to do that?" Sakura hissed to Naruto, who was smirking.

"Do what, Sakura?" he asked innocently.

"You know what I mean! The thing, with the explosion, and sending sensei flying!" Naruto laughed softly.

"Oh, the exploding tags? I learned that from a friend of a friend of mine!" in reality, he had just pestered Tenten into telling him how to make his own, but she didn't need to know that! "But that's the least of what I've cooked up for this place! This place doesn't have a single square foot that I haven't booby-trapped! Welcome to hell, Hatake Kakashi!" he laughed as he leaped out of the trees and into the clearing. "Come on, fight me Kakashi!!"

"Err… you're not right in the head, are you?" Naruto smirked.

"Quite possibly. Though I may just be ahead of my time." Kakashi shrugged.

"Oh, well." He reached into his pocket… and pulled out Icha Icha paradise. Naruto grinned. '_The piece de resistance.'_

"Whaaatcha readin' there?" Naruto drawled, drawing in his right pointer finger. Kakashi giggled perversely.

"Icha Icha paradise. It's a good book, but a bit mature for you."

"So it's a porn book, right?"

Sakura scowled. _'Reading porn in front of kids?'_

"Written by ero-sennin?" Kakashi looked up.

"Why do you keep calling him that?" Naruto shrugged, tensing his finger even more.

"What, he is, isn't he? You like that book, Kakashi?" Kakashi nodded. "Then it's a real shame what happened to it!" he released his finger, and out of the trees burst a flaming arrow. Kakashi only had time to get his body out of the way before the arrow pierced directly through the orange covers of his book. "Don't it just stink, the way paper is flammable?" Kakashi scrambled to pour dirt over the flames, but it was all for naught. The book crinkled into itself and was no more. Kakashi just knelt there, unmoving.

"M…my… my book… I was only halfway done… my autographed first edition Icha Icha paradise… gone…" he mumbled, trembling. After what seemed like forever but was really only a minute or two, the Jounin stood, twitching. Naruto sweat dropped. 'Oh, shit. This does not look good at all.'

"You destroyed… my book. You burned my book… to ashes." He whipped out two kunai, charging. "I'LL KILL YOU!!!" Naruto yelped and leaped away, the blades only barely missing his butt. Sakura and Sasuke, who were staring in fascinated disgust at the berserker rage over a book, nearly leaped out of their skin when a voice sounded by their respective ears.

"Yo."

"NYAAAAH!!" Sakura screamed. Naruto's Bunshin face palmed.

"Jeez. Give away your position, why don't you." Sasuke looked between the illusion and the original. "Yeah, I'm just a Bunshin. The only one he can successfully create, by the way."

"What are you doing here?" Sakura hissed.

"I've been down there, distracting Kakashi into a berserker rage. Now that he's well and truly pissed, he's pretty much got tunnel vision. Now's your best chance for you two go down there and grab the bells while he's focused on ripping me to shreds." Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"But then you'll fail." Naruto grinned.

"Oh, it's not like I haven't done it before! And besides, people hate my guts anyway, so I'd be amazed if I was even ALLOWED onto a Genin team in the first place." Sakura spared him a worried glance. Naruto waved it off. "Oh, don't worry about me. I'll just keep retaking the academy over and over." '_Not that it will actually happen, but they look like they forgot yesterday's little explanation about teamwork. Then again, the bell test is pretty convincing.' _Sasuke, amazingly, was the first to agree.

"…thank you." He ground out. Naruto grinned.

"Now, get out there and get those- oh dear sweet god he's doing it. LOOK AWAY!!!" the Bunshin screamed.

"1000 YEARS OF DEATH" Kakashi screamed as he rammed his fingers into the original Naruto's ass. Naruto screamed as he went flying into the lake while Kakashi settled into a fighting stance, waiting for him to resurface. Sakura blushed indignantly.

"Supreme technique? That was just a super-powerful ass poke…" She muttered. Naruto's Bunshin whimpered and rubbed its butt for the phantom pain.

"Yeah, but it hurts like hell…" it whined. "I gotta go. You guys be ready for the hit!" and with that, the Bunshin faded away.

Meanwhile, the original Naruto growled underwater and rubbed his butt. 'Dammit! That still hurts like hell! Who created that technique!? I wanna kick their ass!'

_**'Humiliating AND painful. I like it.' **_Kyuubi quipped.

_'Shut up, fuzz-butt.'_ Naruto grinned and reached into his pouch. _'Let's see if Kakashi likes these 'special shuriken'.'_ with that final thought, he tossed the two weapons out of the water and at Kakashi's face. He merely straightened up and plucked the two shuriken out of the air, twisting them on his finger through the holes. The Jinchuuriki leaped out of the water, grinning. "Here comes the-"

BOOM The shuriken on his fingers exploded, sending the Jounin flying across the field. He slammed into a tree… with a tripwire across it. The rope attached to it snagged Kakashi's foot, and he was sent dangling from the branches by his ankle. Naruto laughed uproariously. "HAHAHAHAHA Never thought doing pranks would actually be good for my ninja career!!"

_'He can go toe to toe with a Jounin… because he did pranks?'_ Sasuke mused.

_'In… incredible. Naruto, so cool…' _Sakura twitched.

"Hey, Kakashi! Does this feel familiar? Like, yesterday familiar?" Naruto smirked. Kakashi, sufficiently calmed down to think, scowled at the grinning visage.

"You're a real ass, you know that?" Naruto rubbed his nose.

"I've been told that many times. But you know, I'm surprised you're a ninja. I mean, ninja are supposed to see 'underneath the underneath', and you, well…"

"I KNOW THAT" Kakashi shouted. "I am a ninja, I practically created that phrase."

"Well, I'm telling you that, because you don't know." Naruto smirked. _'HA!! Take that, causality.'_ Kakashi whipped out a kunai and sliced through the rope. He landed on the ground. Naruto made an over-exaggerated show of worry. "OOOH NOOOES. Whatever shall I do? The big, bad Jounin is free."

"You're gonna get it." Kakashi's visible eye glinted as he stepped forward… and was yanked up by his foot, yet again. Naruto burst out laughing.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god, I can't believe it.. It actually worked."

"The exact same trap under the other?" Kakashi shouted, wrestling with his foot. Naruto fell to the ground, clutching his sides.

"Oh, oh, HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. HAHAHAHAH. Oh, god, I can't believe I got a Jounin with that one. BWAHAHAHAHA." Kakashi sliced once again through the rope, advancing dangerously to Naruto. Naruto merely smirked and pulled his left middle finger. The mat of leaves Kakashi was standing on whipped out underneath his feet. Kakashi let out a startled yelp as he flipped ass over teakettle and fell headfirst into the pitfall, until only his lower half was showing. Including the sought-after bells. Naruto grinned. "Alright, you guys! I think I took him out!!" Sakura and Sasuke leaped out from the treeline.

"Are… are you sure he's down?" Sakura asked nervously. Naruto nodded.

"Positive. I had ropes installed in there that ensnared his hands, so he wouldn't be able to do Jutsu or slice himself out with the kunai. He's down for the count." He plucked the two bells from his waist and tossed each to his teammates. "There. You guys just passed."

"But… you did all the work… I feel bad that you won't pass…" Sakura looked down at her feet. _'Don't get me wrong, I'm glad as all hell I'm with Sasuke-kun, but… makes me feel guilty.' _Naruto grinned.

"Hey, hey, hey! Don't you guys worry about little ol' me! I'll just have to go back to Iruka-sensei, which really isn't so bad. He's better than all my other teachers, anyway." Sasuke nodded, a ghost of a smile on his face.

"Thanks… dobe." Naruto smirked.

"No problem, teme."

"But those traps. And the tree. And the pitfall. How did you do it!?" Sakura exclaimed, ruining the solemn moment. Naruto blushed and rubbed the back of his head.

"Oh, well, you know, I've always been a dab hand at pranks. And then, I saw this guy talking about doing traps on his mission, and I thought, 'Hey, that's not so different than pranking, is it?' so, I kind of practiced with fuzzy-sensei and Tenten. And just picking up half the stuff Tenten throws around probably constituted half the traps I have!"

"'Fuzzy-sensei'?" Sasuke said incredulously. Naruto nodded.

"Mm-hm. Man has the biggest damn eyebrows you will ever see. Looks like a freaking caterpillar crawled on his face and died. And he has a mini-me that isn't much better as his student." Sasuke shuddered reflexively. Sakura looked around.

"But… how did you get all of these traps set up in one day? I mean, that was a lot of stuff you did…" Naruto grinned.

"I didn't get much sleep last night." In reality, he just had a bunch of Kage Bunshin working around the clock to set the stuff up but they didn't know that. "I had a crap load of backup plans, too, in case that arrow missed Kakashi's book." _'Cause if that arrow had missed, he wouldn't have gotten pissed off enough for all of those traps to have actually worked._' "I mean, they're pretty obvious, right?" Sasuke looked around. In retrospect, yes, they were obvious. _'But, if I wanted to rip somebody's spleen out through their armpit, I wouldn't have cared about that.'_ He thought to himself.

"But man! I'm just lucky I have Kakashi-sensei pegged! If I had tried to be a dumb ass and took him on out front, we would have all gotten our asses kicked!" Naruto grinned.

"Yes. You would have gotten beaten by me." Naruto let an unmanly squeak at the voice right by his ear. Sakura outright shrieked, while Sasuke whipped out a kunai. Kakashi looked like an evil executioner, covered in dirt and reeking of fury. "You three…!"

"Pass!" The aura was gone, replaced with an eye smile. "Congratulations. Team seven will start taking missions tomorrow.

* * *

Chapter six complete personal speed record oh yeah.

Read and Review please and maybe if I get enough reviews chapter seven will come even sooner or not but you can try anyway

Note so youy don't whine the finger thing will be explained soon okay its a secret.


	7. Wave part 1

And unto you the reader comes chapter seven of Naruto Game of the Year Edition

MHX gets up clearing blood from his face stumbles forward.

Normal speech "Your a tough one Nazi boy because I'm an idiot."

_Thoughts/normal writing 'Yeah because I can turn the law back on.'_

**Greater being/game writing "Shite" **Hitler exclaimed with sigh.

Techniques: Law reactivation A bright light flashes and Hitler becomes a cockroach then is stomped by the Monty Python foot.

Well that's that now to give Murphy his eyes back.

* * *

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
Wave Arc Part One that is Given the Half Assed Title  
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"Whoo! That was impressive, even for me!" Naruto smirked as he lay down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. "I took down a Jounin without throwing a single punch or using a single Jutsu. That's gonna be brag-worthy for YEARS." Black words flashed in front of his face. "Really? Upgrades, now?"

**Boss fight completed! 'Kakashi: pass team seven'! **The words scrawled. **Trap skill: +4! Agility: +2! Experience gained: 343! **Naruto blinked as the enhancements slammed into his frame.

"Hello, that's new. Experience?"

**Level up! Level 4! **A chibi figure of Naruto formed in the air, dancing a happy dance in the air. 

**Stats gained: **

**Strength: +8!**

**Intelligence: +5!**

**Chakra: +11!**

**Control: +5!**

**Bonus: Agility: +5!**

**Bonus: Charisma: +4!**

**Bonus: Endurance: +5!**

Naruto winced as the mass of enhancements slammed once again into him. "Oh, wow. That one actually stung a bit. So, it's really like a video game, where the main character levels up. I'm not quite sure what to make of that. I just wish I knew the logic behind all the leveling stuff." He shrugged. "But oh well! Anything that makes me stronger is okay in my book!" he went to lie down onto his bed and go to sleep…

Before waking right up again and running into the kitchen, reaching into the freezer for ice. "Dear god, that fishing line hurt like hell! Man, my fingers are gonna hurt forever after that!!"

_**'Then why'd you use it? Use your regular ninja wire, or whatever the hell it's called.'**_Naruto shook his head.

"Uh-uh. Couple problems with that. One, ninja wire is metal, so it'd shine in the sun. Kakashi would've been able to spot that, and my traps would be nullified. Two, ninja wire is primarily made to cut stuff, and I'd rather have my hand in one piece, thank you very much. I still need it."

_**'Oh? Need it for BIG, IMPORTANT things, hmm?'**_Kyuubi leered. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Not like that, you perv. How am I supposed to do Jutsu sans a hand?"

_**'What do you mean, perv? I said nothing of the sort, YOU filled in the blank!' **_Kyuubi cackled. Naruto rolled his eyes again.

"You'd like me to think that, wouldn't you? Three, ninja wire is slightly grooved, so that people can't just wriggle out of it. Fishing line, however, isn't. Therefore, if Kakashi gets too out of range for one of my traps, I just slip it off and go find another that I've set up somewhere!" Naruto smirked. "Besides, fishing line is cheap. Do you see how expensive it is for a foot of ninja wire? I'd break my already fragile bank trying to get supplies!"

_**'Whatever.'**_And Kyuubi fell silent. Naruto hissed as the cold ice touched his reddened skin.

"Damn! That stings!"

* * *

"Alpha team, are you in position?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Hn."

"I'm in position. Sir, I can take the shot now! I can take out the target!!"

"Negative! Do not take the shot! Our target's skittish, if it thinks that you're-"

"ALRIGHT, CHUMS, LET'S DO THIS!!!! NARUTOOOOO UZUMAAAAAAKIIIIIII!!!!" Kakashi ripped off his headset and leaped forward.

"God dammit, Naruto!!"

"HOLD STILL, YOU DAMN CAT!!!" the blonde screamed as Tora the cat writhed and clawed at his face. "AAAAAAH!!! NOT THE FACE NOT THE FACE!!!!" Kakashi sighed.

"Ribbon on the left ear?"

"Yes, sensei!" Sakura replied, staring at the spectacle with amusement. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Okay, then. 'Capture missing pet Tora' completed."

* * *

"Tora-chan!! I'm so glad you came home!! Mommy's been so worried about you!!" the fire daimyo's wife cooed as she (in Naruto's eyes) tried to strangle her returned cat. Tora merely yowled like it was on fire.

"That's it, come on… squeeeeeeeze… just a little tighter…" Naruto growled, making choking motions in the air. Sakura watched with horrified fascination. Sasuke just didn't care.

"Congratulations, team seven. Your mission is complete. Your next mission is to help an elderly couple refloor their home, pick potato plants…"

CRASH!!! "TORA-CHAN!!!"

"… and capture the daimyo's wife's cat." He finished. Naruto screamed.

"HELL NO!!!" he made an X motion in the air. "If I have to hunt down that damn cat one more time, someone's gonna lose an eye! Dammit, old man! Give us something bigger to do! Protecting a beautiful princess, killing an enemy lord, SOMETHING better than picking potatoes for old people!!!" the Hokage, as well as the rest of the people in the room, widened their eyes.

"Idiot!! You're just rookies!" Iruka shouted. "You've got to do the menial stuff and work your way up the ranks!" Naruto shook his head.

"We've done four straight weeks of this illegal immigrant jobs crap, so dammit, I want something bigger! A C-rank at least! Something that involves NOT having a cat tearing my face off!!" Sarutobi chuckled softly.

"Tora is still that feisty, eh?"

"Hell yes!! The thing hates me, and the feeling's mutual!!" Naruto glared at the door, as if expecting the demon cat to come barreling in to attack. The third Hokage sighed.

"Very well. Since I know how bad Tora is…" Naruto looked at him incredulously. "That thing's grandmother was just as much a pain in the ass as it was. I should know, I've got the scars to prove it."

"It runs in the family…?" Naruto whispered.

"I'm willing to give team seven a C-rank mission." Sakura and Naruto whooped. Sasuke smirked. Kakashi sighed.

'_I am SO going to get yelled at for this later…'_

"So what is it!? Assassination!? Espionage?!" he cried out, although he already had a good idea what it was going to be.

"Protection detail. I'll introduce the client right now." The door slid open, and Tazuna wobbled in, a half-empty beer bottle hanging from his grip.

"These runts are going to protect me?" he slurred. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"A drunk old man...? Oh well, you have to start small, I guess."

"You're one to talk about starting small, runt." Tazuna leered. Naruto twitched. "Are you sure these kids are ninja?"

"Oh, I'm pretty sure we're ninja." Naruto smirked. A kunai settled against the bridge-builder's Adam's apple. The clone grinned.

"Because if I wasn't being on the clock right now, you would be one head shorter for insulting us." The clone whispered in his ear. _'I wouldn't actually do it, but he doesn't know that.'_ Tazuna turned as pale as a sheet as all of the room's inhabitants flinched.

'_When did he…!?' _Sakura gasped.

'_I didn't see him do any seals…!'_ Sasuke glared.

'_Yeah, I'm DEFINITELY getting yelled at for this later…'_ Kakashi groaned inwardly. the Bunshin dropped to the ground and walked out the door as the original walked away whistling.

'_Looks like they don't realize that hand seals can be discreet.'_ Naruto smirked. _'For ninjas, we seem to be doing a lot of non-ninja stuff. What's with that, anyways?' _he shrugged as he walked off whistling, towards the ramen restaurant he held so near and dear.

* * *

"Alright, people, let's move it!! Bandits love sitting targets, keep moving, keep watching, keep protecting!!" Naruto cheered as he strolled energetically out of the city gates. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Why are you so energetic, anyway…?" Naruto grinned.

"Because! It's our first C-rank! Why WOULDN'T I be excited? Besides, I've heard from quite a few people that the countryside in wave in quite beautiful during this time of year! Ain't that right, old man?" Tazuna nodded.

"That's right. But how the heck do you know that? Ga… gaining access to that information, you must know someone who's been there! But nobody's left wave country for a long time!" Tazuna verbally tripped as he vainly tried to cover his slip. Naruto, however, caught it instantly.

"Oh, I have a few friends who have been there." Kakashi's eyes narrowed.

'_Bullshit. I can count the number of people who will even talk to him halfway-decently on one hand, much less be a friend to him. And none of them, save maybe the Hokage, would have the power to go to wave. What are you hiding, Naruto?'_ Naruto punched forward, comically peering around in search for 'bandits'. His real target, however, was much more real.

'_Alright, I'm not letting those mist bastards get a jump on me again! Where were they hiding before? Something that stands out, something that doesn't fit… a tree that doesn't grow here, an animal that doesn't exist, foliage that's the wrong- THERE!!'_ he smirked in triumph as he stared at the puddle on the side of the road. _'Found you!! Why the hell is there a puddle when it hasn't rained in days!? It's GOTTA be them!!'_ he slowed his pace down until he was shoulder to shoulder with his sensei. "You see them?" Kakashi blinked, before eye-smiling.

"Oh, you spotted them? Good work, Naruto! I would've thought Sasuke would be the one to catch that." Naruto has to rapidly repress the urge to sock Kakashi in the face.

"Do we expose them?"

"No, we let them be. We have to figure out what they're after." Naruto shrugged.

"Isn't that a bit dangerous to do, seeing as how you've got an elderly civilian and three fresh-out-of-the-academy Genin? Someone could get seriously hurt." Kakashi patted him on the back.

"Well, you were able to fight me to a draw, weren't you? You can easily handle them with the other's help." Naruto grinned, in order to hide the rapidly growing blush of embarrassment.

"Okay, then!"

"Make sure the others don't get hurt." And the Jounin was promptly ripped to shreds. Naruto reacted immediately by whipping out two kunai to block the Demon Brother's gauntlets.

"One down." The eldest rasped through his air tank. Naruto grimaced as he leaped away.

"Sasuke!! Watch out for their gauntlets! They're poisoned!" Sasuke blinked and nodded. "Then get in here and HELP!!" Sasuke whipped out a pair of shuriken and leaped into the air, using Naruto's back as a springboard. With a vicious flick of the wrist, the chain was stuck to the tree, completely immobile. With a grunt of displeasure, the two brothers snapped the chain away from their claws. The Uchiha drew a pair of kunai, and, holding them in a reverse-grip, charged the eldest brother. Naruto grinned and settled into an odd fighting stance. Sakura blinked.

"Huh? I've never seen a stance like that before…" Naruto grinned.

"Let's get wild!!" with that, he charged. He quickly leaped into the air and rapidly kicked at the assassin's head. When he ducked under, he whirled around mid-air and punted him in the back. With a garbled cry, he slammed into the dirt. Naruto gave him three aerial kicks in rapid succession to his head to insure his unconsciousness before dropping to the ground. Naruto smirked. "Too easy. You holding up there, Sasuke?"

"Kinda busy right now!!" the boy ground out as he leaped out from a lunge from the demon brother.

"Want some help?"

"I can handle this on my own!!" he growled as he chucked one of his two kunai at his face. The assassin merely ducked to the side and swiped at his face.

"You know, you COULD use Jutsu." Naruto suggested as he pulled the spiked chain out of the tree, wrapping it tightly. _'This chain could be useful later. I'll hang on to it. Besides, if I have it, then nobody else does.'_ Sasuke's eyes widened, before flipping through three seals.

"Katon! Goukyaku no Jutsu!" Sasuke blew a giant fireball directly into the face of the surprised Demon Brother. Without any time to dodge, he took the fireball directly to the face. With an agonized scream, he collapsed to the ground, skin flaking off from his face. Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief. "Did we win?"

"Yeah. I finished my guy a bit before you did."

"Thanks. For the advice, I mean."

"No problem!"

"Well! I'm surprised! I thought I would have to step in at least once!" Kakashi announced as he dropped from the canopy. "But you guys handled them well on your own! I'm proud of you two." Naruto and Sasuke laughed and smirked triumphantly, respectively. "And Sakura?" Sakura stiffened. "Good job guarding Tazuna. One of the assassins could have slipped through and gone for the client." Sakura relaxed.

"Thank you, sensei!" Naruto rolled his eyes.

'_Bullshit. She was scared stiff, and he knows it. Then again, I shouldn't be the one to point fingers, since I was exactly the same way.'_ Naruto felt himself grow surprised at his critical analysis of Sakura._ 'Hmm… gonna have to think about that once the mission is done.'_ Kakashi turned to the incapacitated brothers. Or, more specifically, their scratched out headbands.

"Of course, this just confirms my suspicions. These two are missing-nin."

"More specifically, mist missing-nin." Naruto interrupted, stuffing the now pocket-sized chain into a breast pocket. "And no missing-nin out there is stupid enough to attack passerby right next to any village even remotely friendly with mist. Therefore, these guys had a paycheck, and they had a target." Kakashi sweat-dropped.

"Oi, oi, oi. I don't remember handing the reins over to you…" He turned to Tazuna, who was visibly nervous. "But he has a point. Tazuna…" The bridge builder gulped audibly. "You have a lot of explaining to do."

* * *

"Man! This fog is thick as pea soup!" Naruto exclaimed as he waved a hand in the 'pea-soup' fog experimentally. "I can barely see the hand in front of my face!"

"Quiet! Are you trying to draw attention to us!?" the rower hissed. "Why do you think we're not using the motor, huh?" Naruto frowned and sat back down in the cramped boat.

"Fine." He pouted. Inwardly, though, his mind was in turmoil. _'Zabuza… and Haku… what am I supposed to do about them? They're trying to kill us, but they're good people… what do I do? Do I let things go like they did before, or do I try and save them somehow…?'_ with a jerk and a bump, the boat docked against the pier. Team 7 plus Tazuna stepped onto the ground.

"You take super good care of yourself, alright? Don't let Gato's men find you!" The bridge builder told the ferryman. He nodded and began rowing away to the other side. Naruto twirled a kunai in his hand absently, taking point as they walked into the forest.

"Alright guys, we know there are ninjas now. More likely than not, they're going to send some of their big guns at us next. Right now, paranoia is your friend. You hear something, you see something move, you chuck something pointy at it. If we're lucky, it'll be a false alarm. If not, well, let's hope you have good aim." Naruto declared.

"While I don't exactly agree with throwing stuff at random shadows, Naruto is right." Kakashi nodded. "Those ninja were roughly equivalent to Chuunin rank. They'll probably send a Jounin against us next. When that happens, I want you three to stay out of that fight." Naruto scowled, but said nothing. He had seen and participated in their (his?) last brawl with the swordsman, and it was a fight for his life, one he only barely survived.

'_Kakashi's probably right. If we started to fight him right off the get-go, we'd get our asses kicked. Of course, Kakashi gets himself captured last time, so… yeah.'_ Naruto dropped back to Sasuke's side, a nagging question on his lips.

"Hey, Sasuke." The Uchiha turned to him. "I've had this question bugging me for a long time." _'Try 'since the beginning of the damn academy,' long time!'_ "Why aren't you an arrogant asshole?" _'Or at least, not as much as last time?'_ Sasuke's eyebrow twitched wildly. _'Hmm… bad phrasing. Let's try again!'_ "I mean, you've got the whole village pandering to your every need, you've got fangirls chasing you down the streets…" both boys shuddered at that. "You've gotten everything handed to you on a silver platter! Nine times out of ten, that generally also includes a stick up your ass!" Sasuke looked up at the sky and sighed.

"A silver platter, huh…?" he murmured. "Maybe. But then, I remember that _he _had everything handed to him as well…" Naruto nodded, instantly knowing what he was talking about. "I swore to myself, I would kill him. I would have my revenge for what he did to my family. My sister and I… we are the only Uchiha left." Naruto nodded again.

"You will do anything to not become like him." Sasuke nodded.

"Yeah. I will have the power to defeat him… but not his way. I will find him, and kill him, my own way." Sasuke then smirked, breaking the solemn occasion. "Besides, if I had ever started acting like an asshole, Metsuki probably would beat the crap out of me." Naruto laughed.

"Hahaha! That sounds like something she would do! Hahaha!" Sasuke looked at him strangely.

"How do you know what she would do?" Naruto grinned.

"Are you kidding? We've been friends since I could practically walk! We've got a history, your sister and I! She was actually over at my house when…" Naruto trailed off. "Uhh… when…"_ 'Crap. Open mouth, insert foot.'_ Sasuke, however, understood completely as his eyes widened.

"Holy… you're THAT Naruto!" Naruto blinked before snorting.

"Wait, you're saying there's a DIFFERENT Naruto!? Please, introduce me! I want to share all of the weird-ass name stories!" Sasuke slapped a palm to his forehead.

"How did I not realize it? She talks about you all the time! 'I wonder what Naruto would think of this dress,' or, 'Naruto would've thought that joke was funny,' or, 'I wonder where Naruto is now?' Naruto, Naruto, Naruto! She won't shut up about you!" Naruto chuckled nervously, twiddling his fingers.

"Eheheheh… is that a fact…?" he asked with a nervous sweat drop. Kakashi, who had good enough hearing to listen in on the whole conversation, giggled perversely as his mind took the fascination in his student in a distinctly gutter-like direction.

"Yeah! It ticked me off so much! She practically worships you, you know that? You saved her life."

"Never would've guessed that, the way she punted me through a wall." Sasuke involuntarily snorted.

"She punted you THROUGH a wall? Not into, but THROUGH?" Naruto nodded.

"Pretty much, it left me in the hospital for-" his ear twitched, and with a rapid flick, tossed a kunai into the bushes. When he leaped in and yanked out a snow-white rabbit, Sakura nearly punched his skull in. Naruto merely dodged the blow. "Now, tell me, Kakashi. What's wrong with this picture?" Kakashi's eyes widened.

"The fur…!" Naruto nodded.

"They're here." Kakashi whipped his head towards the trees, and Naruto leaped. "HIT THE DECK!!!" he shouted as he tackled his fellow Genin to the ground, Kakashi doing the same for Tazuna. Not a moment too soon, either, as a massive zanbato swooped through the air and slammed blade-first into an opposite tree. Kakashi got up and glared at Zabuza, who was standing atop his head-cleaver.

"Momochi Zabuza."

"Well, well! No wonder the demon brothers were defeated." Zabuza mused. "Sharingan Kakashi… it's an honor." Sasuke stiffened. "Sorry, but the old man's mine." Kakashi reached a hand for his forehead protector.

"Surround and protect Tazuna." He stated. "But first…" he pulled it up all the way, revealing his eye. "Fight me, Zabuza."

"Oh! I get to see the fabled Sharingan already. I'm flattered." Zabuza grinned behind his wrappings. "The man who has copied over one-thousand Jutsu… Sharingan Kakashi. Not even you will get in my way. I will kill the old man, whether you like or not!" he kicked off the trunk and ripped out the zanbato, quickly extending his hands into a half-seal atop the water. "Hidden mist…" and Zabuza disappeared into the summoned fog bank. Kakashi slowly pulled out a kunai.

"Be careful. When he was still working for mist, Momochi Zabuza was known as a master of silent killing. You don't even notice he's there until you're already dead… and it's not like I can use my Sharingan perfectly, so be extra careful."

"Stop trying to freak us out, sensei. He's doing a good enough job of it by himself." Naruto mumbled as he pulled out a kunai. While he wasn't freaking out and scared shitless like his teammates, he wasn't yet blasé enough about the idea of dying to let his guard down._ 'Survival instincts an' all probably never go away. Hurts like hell every time I die, too.'_

"Eight choices." Zabuza intoned ominously from the mist. "Liver, lungs, larynx, jugular, kidney, spine, brain, and heart. Which one do you want stabbed?" Naruto twitched.

"Gah! I can't stand doing nothing! This is going to drive me batty!" Naruto drummed his fingers against his leg as he watched Kakashi flare his chakra, banishing the mist from whence it came. He absently noted Sasuke reaching a trembling hand towards his kunai pouch. "Sasuke." The Uchiha twitched and shiftily turned to Naruto, who was grinning. "It's okay. We got this guy!" against his wishes, the Uchiha cracked a smile.

"I wonder about that." And Zabuza was there, inside the pack. Kakashi whirled around and lunged at the Jounin, plunging a kunai into his chest. Zabuza's eyes widened… as water trickled down the hilt of the knife. Another Zabuza formed out of the mist, head-cleaver poised to strike.

"KAKASHI-SENSEI!!!!" Sakura screamed. The Jounin whirled around as the blade sliced him in two… before melting away into vapor as well. Zabuza's eyes widened.

"What!?" he mouthed. Naruto smirked.

"Surprised? I'm not. It takes more than a lone missing-nin to take out the infamous copy-nin Kakashi." A kunai settled at the man's temple.

"Don't move!" Kakashi growled. "It's over!" Zabuza stiffened. And then he relaxed.

"Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm-hm…" he chuckled. " 'It's over', you say? Why, it's only just beginning." The man melted again, as yet ANOTHER Zabuza formed from the mist.

"What!? That was a clone too?!" Kakashi exclaimed. Naruto growled exasperatedly.

"Dammit, going exactly the same!! I can't stand it!!" he flicked out a kunai. "Pause!" he exclaimed.

And the world froze. Zabuza in mid-swing, Kakashi's shocked stare, Sakura, Sasuke and Tazuna's grimaces of horror. Naruto walked over to the missing-nin and walked around, thinking. "Alright, then. Let's see what we can do. Can't touch people, so I can't spin Zabuza around or move Kakashi-sensei out of the way… then, what do we do?" he tapped his chin. "I can't touch people, anything else is fair game… how can I help…" the proverbial light-bulb went off. "That's it! That would work!! But… COULD it work?" he pulled out a spool of fishing line from his pocket, carefully threading it through the hole in his sword. "SUCCESS!!"

_'__**The hell are you doing, brat?'**_the Kyuubi decided to speak up.

"Stopping Zabuza for a bit. This will DEFINITELY not hold him for more than a few seconds, since this is a temporary stopper and he's a Jounin besides, but in battle, a few seconds is really all you need. Besides, He's got a big freaking hole in his sword, why not use it?" With those final words, he quickly tied it off at the sword and looped the line around a nearby tree. He smirked at his ingenuity. "Unpause!"

Zabuza started to swing again… before being yanked backwards, tumbling ass over teakettle as the fishing line took effect. "What the hell!?!?" Kakashi's visible eye widened.

"Wha…?" Naruto grinned and gave his teacher a thumbs-up.

"See, Kakashi! I can be useful too!" Sakura and Sasuke's eyes widened dramatically.

'_What!? Fast!'_

'_I… I didn't even see him move… that power… I…'_ Sasuke quickly squashed that train of thoughts. The Jounin quickly pinned the mist-nin to the ground before directing his attention to the blonde Genin.

"Naruto…" he growled, glaring death at his pupil. "Didn't I say to stay with Tazuna…!?" the blonde quickly realized the danger he was in and wilted.

"I… I wanted to help… I stopped him, didn't I…? Without an annoying battle, too…" Kakashi glared more, before flipping rapidly into a happy smile.

"Well, in that case, good work!!" the four remainders face-vaulted. The Cyclops ninja thrust a kunai painfully into Zabuza's throat. "I'm sure mist will be quite happy with us when we return one of their biggest traitors."

"We already are." Another voice stated as three senbon shot into the man's throat, killing him instantly. A hunter-nin, who Naruto recognized as Haku's alias, leaped out of the tree. "Thank you for your assistance. I had been tracking him all day. Your Genin are quite skilled." Naruto showed no expression as tumultuous emotions pummeled his brain.

'_He's alive! He's alive again! We should try and save him! We should make sure that he doesn't die again!'_ his idealistic, beautiful self shouted.

'_He's tried to kill us, and he's rescuing someone who also tried to kill us. He's very important to us, but we need to take him out for the mission.'_ A newer, more hardened self, the side of him that had taken the psychological brunt of dying over, and over, and over, declared without any emotion.

'_But he's a precious person! He's a friend!'_

'_We are Shinobi. We do not have friends.'_

'_We are PEOPLE!! We NEED friends!' _So conflicted was Naruto that he never noticed as the choice was taken out of his hands. Kakashi thanked the hunter-nin for his trouble, and Haku disappeared in a flash, carrying the body with him. Kakashi sighed and pulled his headband back down.

"Well, I suppose that's that. Tazuna, what direction is your house?" the bridge builder blinked and pointed further out.

"That way." Kakashi nodded.

"Alright, then. Let's move out, team." Sakura and Sasuke nodded and flanked Tazuna as he walked away. The Jounin walked up to Naruto, who was still grinning. "And Naruto…"

"Yeah, sensei?"

"Don't think I haven't forgotten what you did. If I was a hard-ass, that would a count of insubordination and treason. I could get you court-martialed back home." Naruto stiffened, the grin instantly gone.

"But…! We beat him for now! Doesn't the end justify-"

"'For now'? What do you mean, 'For now'?" Kakashi glared. Naruto paled.

"Oh, fuck. Did I say that out loud?" He was instantly pinned against a tree, dangling from his throat by Kakashi. "Sensei… can't… breathe!!"

"What are you hiding?" Kakashi stared at him, any humor he had ever had now gone. "From day one, you've had secrets, and I've respected that, since most ninja have skeletons in their own closet. You were able to take me out in the test, you were able to spot the brothers, you said things that didn't add up… but now, the buck stops here. Who are you working for?"

"S-sensei…"

"WHO?" Naruto's throat restricted again. "How do you know that?"

"N-nobody…" Naruto hissed.

"Liar."

"I'm not… lying…" Naruto felt his head growing fuzzy.

_**'Idiot fleshbag.'**_Kyuubi growled. All at once, a blast of Killing intent forced Kakashi away from him, and Naruto dropped to the ground. Naruto was instantly pissed. "Dammit, fuzz-butt! I had it under control!! I didn't need your mangy ass interfering!"

_**'Hardly. That man was about to snap you in two. Besides, I just gave you an excuse. You should be thanking me.'**_Naruto blinked.

"Excuse?"

"Naruto…" Kakashi said slowly. "What was that?"

"Oh, fuzz-butt decided to be a pain in the ass again." Naruto said automatically, before a hand shot to his mouth. "Uh, I mean…"

"You can talk with the fox?" Kakashi said, drawing a kunai. Naruto backed up against the tree.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not jump to conclusions, here!"

_**'Say everything that I say, and you may just live through this.'**_Naruto blinked, before his eyes widened in recognition.

"I, uh, yes, I can talk with the great Kyuubi-sa- fuzz-butt…" _'The hell are you trying to make me say, bastard!?'_, "but most of the time, we just shout at each other." Kakashi slowly pocketed the kunai. "B-but, when he's feeling generous, he teaches me a few things."

"Such as…?"

"Places that he's been/terrorized, techniques he knows when he feels like transforming into one of us humans, shows me where people are hiding when they're about to jump me, stuff that keeps me, and by extension him, alive, that sort of thing." Kakashi relaxed.

"I… see." Naruto chuckled nervously.

"So… you're not going to try and kill me again?" Kakashi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"I'm… sorry about that, Naruto. I'm feeling just a little paranoid after those two. Something about it doesn't make sense, and it's got me on a hair trigger. I apologize for taking it out on you." Naruto waved it off.

"Ah, no big. It's not the first time somebody's tried to kill me." Kakashi winced. Naruto smirked. _'Point for me! That ought to keep him from questioning me in the future.'_ "But you're right, something's strange. That guy was a hunter-nin, right? Aren't they supposed to burn the body on site or something?" Kakashi's eyes widened. _'You're welcome, Kakashi.'_

"That's…!" Kakashi cursed. "Damn! You're right. That hunter-nin took Zabuza instead of destroying him! We've got to get back with the others!" Naruto looked in the direction they had gone and squawked.

"Yikes! They're already out of sight! Let's go!"

* * *

"WHAAAAT!?!?" Sakura shrieked. "But I thought that guy killed Zabuza!!" Kakashi shook his head.

"No. he only made it look like he was dead. Something Naruto said made me realize that something didn't add up." Sasuke mouthed something suspiciously similar to 'teacher's pet' at Naruto. Naruto just flipped him off. "Hunter-nin are supposed to dispose of missing-nin bodies on site, so that nobody can get the secrets of their village that the ninja may have. That ninja didn't do that, he took the body. And the weapons he used himself are strange, as well."

"Senbon…" Sasuke muttered, before his eyes widened. "Then…!"

"Right. If we put two and two together…"

"Then we get a not-so-dead Zabuza." Naruto finished. Sakura whipped her head back and forth between all the male ninja, trying to understand how they knew all this and she didn't.

"Whaaat!?!? But we saw that guy kill Zabuza!!"

"Naw, he just made it LOOK like he killed Zabuza. Those needles, they hardly ever kill anybody if they don't hit anything important." Naruto stated, fiddling with his headband. Kakashi nodded.

"Right. Hunter-nin are trained to know the human body intimately, so putting someone in a momentary death is probably easy for them." He held up his fingers. "One, he carried off the body of the much heavier Zabuza, two, he used a weapon that has a low probability of killing someone…"

"And three, he showed up at the exact instant that Kakashi was going to kill him. If he wanted to, he could just let Kakashi off him and then pick up what's left. It would be a lot easier on his part." Naruto finished. Kakashi blinked.

"I hadn't thought of that one. Good job, Naruto." Naruto beamed. "Put those three together, and it's very likely that he there not to kill Zabuza, but to help him. We can't ignore the possibility that he will come after us again."

"Aren't you reading into this too much? I mean, hunter-nin are supposed to kill missing-nin." Tazuna retorted.

"We only thought he was a hunter-nin because he had a mask like hunter-nin have. That's sort of like saying I'm the Hokage just because I wear a big tricked-out hat." Naruto added. "Though that hat is the best part of the job…"

"Ignoring that…" Kakashi mumbled. "With all of the suspicions pointing at this, we will prepare before it's too late. That's a Shinobi rule. Besides, with all the money Gato has, we have no idea of knowing if he hasn't bought any more ninja to send against us." Naruto cracked his neck.

"So let's get training! I'd rather not die, thank you very much!" He smirked. "If I could take him out, then he can't be that difficult!" '_Even though I did sort of cheat…'_ Kakashi eye-smiled.

"That's the spirit! Everybody, head outside."

"But sensei, what if he comes after us while we're training?" Sakura asked. Naruto snorted.

"Are you kidding me? You think someone can just die and nothing will happen? His body is screwed up the wazoo! It'll take at LEAST a week for him to recover!" _'MAN! It's good to be the intelligent one for a change! I feel so empowered!'_ Kakashi nodded.

"That's right. We have one week's grace time, at the very least." Naruto pumped the air.

"RIGHT THEN!! Let's go kick ass and take names!!"

"Why?" said a voice at the door. Everybody there turned to stare at Inari, who was standing there.

"Inari!!" tsunami smiled and hugged her child.

"Hey, mom…" he mumbled. He turned to point at team Kakashi. "Mom… they're going to die." Naruto had to keep himself from socking Inari in the face.

"I don't know who you think you are, kid… but we're ninja. We're not going to die to some fat-ass pile of lard that can't even do his own dirty work." He ground out. "I'm Uzumaki fucking Naruto, and I'm the next Hokage, dammit! If you think the hero is gonna die to some half-ass mob boss, then you've got another thing coming!"

"Pfft. What are you, stupid? There's no such thing as heroes!" Inari scoffed. Naruto, and more importantly his fist, was an inch from the boy's face. Inari flinched.

"Say one more word, brat, and next time I won't hold myself back." Sakura blinked.

"Naruto!!! Stop picking on little kids!!" the blonde laughed and turned to her.

"Ehehehehe… sorry, Sakura. This kid pissed me off too much." Inari scowled and turned away, running up the stairs of their home. "He reminds me a bit too much of what I could have been…"

* * *

Naruto stared up at the ceiling of the team's makeshift bedroom._ 'Video game… why am I in one? And more importantly… who created it?'_ A spiral suddenly appeared in front of his face, scaring the crap out of him. "Wha!?" he quietly hissed. Big black letters, which Naruto couldn't read in the darkness, appeared. Then, almost if they realized their mistake, they transformed into bright white letters.

**Mini-boss defeated! 'Missing-nin Zabuza'! Chakra control: + 1! Strength: +2! Experience gained: 53! **The enhancements slammed into Naruto, who grinned silently. **Achievement completed! 'Conscious Kakashi! Prize awarded: Save Point! **Here Naruto frowned.

"Okay… don't know that one. And this is supposed to be…?"

**Secret unlocked! 'Wave country' save point! **A spiral appeared on the floorboards beside his sleeping mat. Naruto blinked.

"Huh. New save point. Cool." He whispered as he tapped the spiral. A transparent Naruto appeared and gave the Jinchuuriki a thumbs-up.

**Progress saved! When you die, you will return here without losing your progress! **Naruto didn't bother reading through his achievements as he rolled over, fast asleep.

'_I'll think about the video game later… though I wonder why I got so little experience for Zabuza when I got so much for Kakashi…'

* * *

_

"Alright. Today we're going to start our training." Kakashi stated, leaning against a tree. "But first… tell me what chakra is." Naruto frowned and tapped his chin.

"That… was… the stuff that makes freaky shit happen for ninjas."

"Not exactly how I would've phrased it, but go on."

"Umm… it's… uh, a combo of… physical and spiritual energies!!" he finished with a grin. _'Can't believe I remembered all the technical crap, too! DAMN, I'm good!'_ "So, what, we learn new Jutsu?" Kakashi shook his head.

"No, we learn how to better control our chakra. Chakra control is very important in the ninja world. If you don't have enough, Jutsus will take far more chakra than they should to work, or they just plain won't work at all. You've got to learn how to control it, through very intense training." Naruto rolled his eyes.

"What training, sensei?" Sakura asked. Kakashi pointed upwards.

"Tree climbing!" Naruto scoffed.

"Man! I thought you were gonna do something interesting!" Kakashi blinked.

"Come again?"

"I already know how to do tree climbing!"

"The ninja way?"

"YES, the ninja way!" Naruto shouted exasperatedly. "'He' taught me that!" Kakashi flinched and turned away. _'MAN! I love this excuse of mine! You can get all kinds of crap past the radar! You're actually useful for once, fuzz-butt!'_

_**'Quiet, fleshbag.'**_

"I… see." Kakashi coughed. "In that case, why don't you show the others?" Naruto nodded and charged up the tree, reaching the top of the tree in a matter of seconds. Sakura gasped, Sasuke scowled, and Kakashi's brows knitted together.

"DAMN, I'm good!" Naruto cheered from the top of the tree, swaying back and forth precariously in the wind.

"That's enough, Naruto. You can come down now." Naruto leaped out of the tree and landed directly in front of Sakura, scaring the bajeezes out of her.

"So, what'd you think, Sakura!" her fist smashed down on his head.

"IDIOT!! I could have been hit right then!!"

"Owowowowow…" he moaned. "Meanie…"

"Well… that's the gist of the exercise. You two, mark your progress with a kunai. Try and get to the top of the tree." The two nodded and ran at the trees. "Naruto… come with me." The blonde nodded and followed after his teacher. Once they were a far enough distance away, Kakashi stopped. "Well, Naruto, to be honest, I have no idea how you're doing it."

"Huh?"

"When you were running up the tree, you were using so much chakra that I could practically feel it from that far away. You should have rocketed away with the first step." Naruto blinked.

"What?"

"Frankly, what you did was just impossible. You have some of the worst control I've ever seen, yet you're able to do that on your first try. It shouldn't work." Naruto cocked his head to the side.

"So… what? What do we do?" Kakashi kneaded his forehead.

"Well, I guess I could set you on another chakra exercise. Water walking's out, you'd be too far away for us to help if anything happened to you, and even if Zabuza is down and out for the moment, who knows if Gato has any other mist ninja with him." He tapped his chin. "Aha! I have one!" he plucked a leaf from a nearby low-hanging tree. "Levitate this leaf."

"Huh?"

"Like this." And the leaf slowly rose off the top of his palm, hovering a quarter of an inch above his hand. Naruto's eyes widened.

"Cool!"

"That's not all." A sudden wind blew up, gusting the two in their place. Yet when the wind died, Naruto was shocked to see that the leaf had not so much as budged from its hovering spot. "In this exercise, not only do you have to levitate the leaf at a manageable level, you also have to make sudden adjustments against the wind. It translates into battle as well. Enemies never, ever hold still for their opponent to finish their technique. If you have to dodge, the flow is disrupted, and all that hard work is wasted. Theoretically, if you can master this technique, then you can keep performing Jutsu when attacked by surprise." Naruto gaped.

"Cool…" his wandering mind caught on an idea, and he lit up like a firecracker. "Sensei! Sensei!! If you can levitate a leaf like this, then… if you had enough chakra to do it… could you levitate… a person?" Kakashi's eyes widened.

"Naruto…!" he then shook his head. "No, that's impossible. That would take chakra reserves beyond that of any human being, maybe even multiple Kage-level ninja. Though that's an impressive idea you came up with from a simple chakra exercise. I never would have thought of that." Kakashi ruffled his hair. "You could make a good Jutsu-crafter, one day."

"Jutsu-crafter?"

"An almost forgotten trade. Jutsu-crafters are the ones who came up with all of our techniques. While most famous ninja have created at least one original Jutsu from themselves, Jutsu-crafters created hundreds upon hundreds of unique Jutsu. I've heard that the Sandaime is trying to revive the idea, but most think it's a pipe dream." The man turned and walked away. "Well, get to work! Come back to the house when you can do it." Naruto grumbled.

"Same as ero-sennin… show me something, and then dump me for their smut. When I become Hokage, I'm banning that crap forever." He stared at the leaf in his palm, face contorted in concentration. "Focus… focus…" chakra swirled about him… and the leaf shot fifty feet in the air.

"WHAT!?!? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Get back here!!" Naruto yelled, canceling his output. The leaf floated down gently a good ten feet away as Naruto scrambled to catch up with it. "Hey! Get back here!!" he started the flow again, and the leaf shot away. "Dammit, why is this so difficult!? GET DOWN HERE!!" as the leaf floated down, he growled and started up his chakra again as it passed his head. "STOP!!"

The leaf shot forward… along with a dark purple streak of chakra. The two punched straight through a nearby tree, incinerating the leaf. Naruto jerked back. "Wait, what the hell just happened!?"

_**'Fleshbag!! Why did you just call on my chakra!! We aren't fighting!'**_Kyuubi growled. Naruto scowled.

"Screw you, you mangy fleabag! I didn't call on any of your chakra!"

_**'Yes you did!! For a split second, you used my chakra!' **_

"Did not!"

_**'Did so!! And I will come out there and tear you to pieces if you don't admit it!!'**_Naruto fell silent.

"I… did I really call on your chakra? I didn't even mean to…"

_**'Regardless of whether you intended to or not, I don't like a hairless monkey like you prancing around, blasting random holes in trees with my chakra!!'**_Naruto walked over to said tree.

"Damn… I did that?" Naruto muttered as he wiped a finger along the inside of the tree. "There isn't a stray splinter or sap anywhere. It's like the tree got cauterized or something…"

_**'Probably the effect of my chakra. I doubt your pathetic human chakra can blast holes in anything. We demons are superior like that.'**_Kyuubi bragged. _**'Then again, your human variation is much easier to control. I suppose that's fair, since we don't need Jutsu to kill thousands of you ants.'**_

Yeah, but I doubt I have purple chakra, and that was the color of this… beam, thingy."

_**'Purple? You lie!'**_

"Say that to my face!"

_**'You… are… a liar.'**_Naruto was pissed.

"HOW!?"

_**'That would say that our chakras mixed, and that's like saying cat-demons and dog-demons don't fight to the death daily. IT DOESN'T HAPPEN!' **_

"Why?"

_'__**Because we're frickin' demons! Our chakra DESTROYS stuff, it doesn't MIX!! If our chakras mixed, you'd blow up from the inside-out. Why do you think the rat in the hat made the seal to purify my chakra and convert it to human chakra? Because without it my chakra would melt you to a crisp!! And I know the seal works that way, I've got the scars from trying to overload your system to prove it!!'**_ The demon fox growled in exasperation. _**'By hells, you piss me off, fleshbag.'**_Naruto ignored him and mused on the development.

"So, if I mixed your chakra with mine, that would kill me? Then explain the purple chakra!"

_**'I CAN'T!!! That's what's pissing me off!!!'**_Kyuubi screamed. _**'Talk to me again, and I rip out your heart!! I'm gonna go… kill, something!'**_and the fox was gone.

"Hey fuzz-butt, our chakras MIXED." Naruto grinned, doing air quotes with his fingers.

_**'fleshbag, I have never hated anyone or anything more than YOU right now, and that's REALLY saying something!!!'**_ Naruto sighed as he plucked another leaf off the tree.

"Thin-skinned fox… HEY!!! GET BACK HERE, YOU DAMN LEAF!!!"

* * *

"You'll catch a cold if you sleep out here like that." Naruto groaned and swatted at the offending hand.

"Mmmph… five more minutes, Kakashi-sensei… me sleepy…" Haku giggled.

"I think you've got me confused with someone else." Naruto groggily cracked an eye open and stared at the person.

"Ha- how did you get here?" Naruto said, catching his slip. The self-proclaimed tool smiled.

"I'm picking herbs to help someone in need." Naruto nodded.

"Can I help? I'm good with plants."

"You're certainly up early. This one is the one you want, right?" Naruto held up a budding flower. Haku nodded.

"Yes. Pick the leaves from the plant. And I could say the same for you. What are you doing out here this time of day?" Naruto thumped his chest.

"Training!" Haku blinked (Naruto had to admit, the boy was a good actor) and stared at his headband.

"That forehead protector… don't tell me you're a ninja?" Naruto grinned.

"Yep! Naruto Uzumaki, best damn Genin Konoha ever had!"

"Wow. You're incredible." Haku giggled quite girlishly, in Naruto's opinion. He still didn't understand how he was somehow girlier than Sakura. "Why are you training?" Haku asked as he placed another plant into his basket.

"To be strong!" Naruto shouted.

"Why? You look plenty strong already." Haku commented. Naruto looked away, a sad look on his face.

"That's what I thought, too. Until…" he trailed off. '_Until I died.'_ He finished in his head. Haku said nothing and continued picking. "I'm not strong enough. I'm not strong enough to even protect myself, let alone the people that I care about… people are after me… some of the most powerful ninja the world has ever created. One that was kicked out from them… he alone could bring Konoha to its knees." '_And already has…'_ Naruto felt a tear roll down his face. "They could take away everybody that I care about, everybody that I swore to protect, without batting an eyelash. And… I'm just not powerful enough to protect everything, everybody that I love from them." Naruto looked at the ninja. "That's why I grow stronger. I will get stronger, and I will defeat the people who harm me. Nobody will ever take away what I care about… not even you, Haku." The boy gasped and leaped up, senbon in hand.

"How do you know-"

"How do I know that your name? That you were the hunter-nin that rescued Zabuza? How do I know that you would give your life to protect him?" Naruto slowly stood. "The same way that I know that I am not strong enough to defeat the men after me with my life intact." Haku crouched down, ready to strike. "I don't want to fight you, Haku."

"I don't believe you." Said Haku. Naruto spread his arms wide.

"Fine, then. Tear into me. Stick me full of needles. I won't lift a finger to defend. That's how far I'm willing to prove I don't want pointless bloodshed." Haku stared at him for the longest time, before finally lowering his needles.

"…I believe you." Naruto lowered his arms. "You fight… to protect your precious people. I can understand that." Naruto nodded.

"Thank you, Haku." Haku picked up his basket of herbs.

"But I fight to protect my precious people, too. The next time that we meet… it shall be as enemies." Naruto nodded as Haku turned away.

"I know." Haku continued walking, before stopping.

"You know, I find it odd."

"What?"

"That you did not once hit on me. I'm told I'm quite attractive, so I'm perplexed a boy such as yourself did nothing." Naruto snorted.

"No, thank you. I'm not into guys." Haku turned around.

"Who says I am one?" he removed the choker around his neck, revealing a very distinctive lack of an Adam's apple. Naruto blinked once.

Twice.

Three times.

"HUUUUH!?!?" he screamed. "Hu-bu-wh-you-jiggabu-th-" Haku giggled at the display.

"You thought I was a boy? How odd."

"HUH?!?! I CALL BULLSHIT!!" Naruto screamed. "Before, you said you were a guy, but now, you're a girl!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!?" Haku cocked his (her, Naruto supposed) head to the side.

"'Before'?"

'_KYUUBI!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!?'_

_**'Don't ask me. I don't remember your first life. Though she definitely is a girl. I can smell distinctly female hormones.' **_The fox replied. Naruto backed away slowly, pointing an accusing finger at Haku.

"What the hell are you!? Why are you a girl now!? The first time, you were a guy!! What the hell is going-" Naruto never finished his sentence as his foot slipped on the edge of the river, flipping over dramatically. "AAACK!!!" he screamed as his head smashed into the riverbed. He blacked out.

* * *

In a flash, Naruto was surrounded by blackness. **Game Over! You Lose! **"What…?! I died? HOW!?"

**Score:**

**Age: fourteen; 140 points**

**Mastered:**

**Henge: 10 points (bonus 10 points for improved variation)**

**Kawarimi: 10 points**

**Tree-walking: 10 points**

**Water-walking: 10 points**

**Kage Bunshin: 50 points**

**Earned precious person: Sasuke; 100 points**

**Earned precious person: Metsuki; 100 points**

**Zabuza achievement: Conscious Kakashi; 75 points**

**Subtotal: 515 points**

**Needlessly antagonized Konoha citizens (225): -225 points**

**Died by accident: drowning; -300 points**

**Died a virgin: -1000 points**

**Subtotal: -1525 points**

**Total: -1010 points **

**Rating: Go Back To The Tutorial!**

**Karma rating: innocent**

Naruto blinked. "Huh. Well, whaddaya know. I drowned. Guess dying by accident is worse than dying in battle." He squinted. "I think I've already had some of these scores. But oh well." He then noticed a very conspicuous lack of a score. "Hey, ignore Hinata is gone! But I didn't do anything for her!" he tapped his chin. "unless, of course, it just means I get docked for being a dumb ass and not even noticing she likes me, which I probably should, given she's liked me for at least... eight? Nine, lives? I can't remember. What I do about it is my choice, I guess. Maybe. I'm just guessing, here." He cracked his neck. "So… Haku is really a girl. But he… she said she was a boy before! What's up with that?" he went through the door to the avatars, before back pedaling rapidly. "WHOA, wait a minute! I've got a save! I don't HAVE to be a baby anymore! He tapped out his slot and grinned. "TAKE THAT, stinky diapers! I have foiled you once again!!"

* * *

"So, pretty lady! What's your name?" Naruto schmoozed as Haku came into view over him. "And as much as I love the view, can I ask why you're standing over me?" Haku smiled.

"You'll catch a cold like that." And so it went. Naruto was on autopilot as he picked the flowers, going through what he thought was something similar to his first life, plus copious amounts of libidinous flirting. Haku didn't even seem fazed. As Naruto handed him the last plant, Haku stood.

"You will become strong. I know it." He turned away. "Oh… and I'm not gay. I'm not into other men." Naruto cocked his head to the side.

"Other men? What are you talking about? You're a girl, aren't you?"

"**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" **Kyuubi burst out laughing. **"OH MY GOD!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" **Naruto cast a figuratively heavy gaze on Kyuubi.

'_What's so funny?'_

"**Oh, oh, ohHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, god, I'm going to remember this FOREVER!!!" **Kyuubi cackled. **"I smelled that fleshbag again, and guess what?" **

"No, shinobi-san. I am not a girl." Haku undid the choker and showed off a distinctive bob on his throat.

"**IT'S A GUY NOW!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh my god!!! You're hitting on a trany!!!" **Kyuubi cackled. Naruto's face went pale as a sheet.

"Hu-wh-th-you-jiggabu-bu-" Naruto fell silent. He reached a hand into his pocket, drew a kunai out, and stabbed himself in the brain. He was dead in seconds.

Naruto spent the entire time he was in the main menu huddled in a corner of the hall of the avatars, curled into the fetal position and muttering insane mutterings to himself as Kyuubi laughed harder than he had in fourteen years.

"Haku's a trany… Haku's a trany… Haku's a trany… Haku's a trany…"

* * *

"You know, I'm rather surprised." Haku said. Naruto worked very hard not to meet (his? Her? He didn't even know anymore.) Gaze.

"Why's that?"

"I've been told that I'm rather attractive, so I'm surpr-"

"You're a girl." Naruto said in a deadpan tone. Haku nodded. The blonde snapped. "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, HAKU!!! MAKE UP YOUR GOD DAMN MIND ALREADY AND STOP DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! JUST PICK YOUR DAMN PLUMBING ALREADY!!!!!" Haku cocked her head to the side.

"Make… up… my…?" she trailed off, a strange light in her eye. Naruto stopped his rant to stare at the ninja.

"Uh… Haku?"

"_**We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again." **_Haku intoned in a voice completely different from what Naruto knew.

"Uhh… eh? What?"

"_**We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again." **_The ninja replied again.

"Haku? You okay?"

"_**We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again." **_Haku said again, starting to advance forward. A senbon appeared instantly in her hand. Naruto started backing up rapidly.

"Whoa, whoa! I'm sorry, Haku! I didn't mean it that way! I respect you, even if you haven't got a gender! You're cool!"

"_**We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again." **_Haku replied in the same creepy tone. Suddenly, the… person blurred, and two Hakus were there.

"Wha!?!?" Naruto yelled.

"_**We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again." **_Four Hakus. _**"We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again." **_Eight Hakus. _**"We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again." **_Sixteen Hakus. Naruto broke.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!" he screamed and ran from the rapidly multiplying ninja. "WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING OOOOOOOON!!!!!" the ground underneath his feet turned a horrendous hodgepodge of color, spreading with each terrified step he took. The color spread through the ground, creeping up the trees, the rivers, even the sky.

"_**We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again."**_the horde of Hakus chanted, still in the same shambling gait. _**"We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again." **_

"AAAAAAAAAH!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!" Naruto screeched. Kakashi leaped out of the trees. "Kakashi!!! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!!"

"_**We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again." **_Said Kakashi. Naruto stared, horrified.

"Oh, no."

"_**We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again." **_The man pulled down his mask, and out crawled a never-ending horde of bugs. Cockroaches, millipedes, spiders, every insect there was came out of the seemingly endless black hole.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!" Naruto screamed girlishly as he tore through the LSD-like nightmare. "HELP ME!!!!"

"**FREEDOOOOOOOOM!!!!" **a voice roared as a massive fox loomed from the sky, roaring it's defiance to the world. Naruto came screeching to a halt.

"What in the hell… Kyuubi…"

"**What in the hellfire…" **Kyuubi echoed, staring at its mirror-image.

"**I AM FREE!!!! I TERRORIZE THE WORLD ONCE MORE!!!!!" **the pseudo-demon fox roared as it smashed through the trees. **"BUT FIRST!!! TO DESTROY MY CONTAINER!!!!!" **Naruto could only watch helplessly as a tail descended on him.

"_**We're sorry, the system does not understand. Please try again." **_

Suddenly, there was silence. Naruto stood still for what felt like an eternity before cracking an eye open. There, looking as if in the distant landscape, was a small speck of bright white. Everything had stopped to stare at the light. The Haku-horde, the bug-Kakashi, the fake-Kyuubi. Everything held its breath as the light shone.

And then suddenly, the light _moved._

It was as if it was a vacuum cleaner, Naruto decided. The light started seemingly sucking everything towards it. The bugs, the Haku-horde, even the fake-fox was drawn to it.

"**NOOOOOOO!!!! I WILL NOT DIE AGAIN!!!!!" **the fox roared as it plunged into the light, never to be seen again. The light did not stop once they were in its clutches. It turned on the landscape. As if nothing more than a sheet of colored tarp, the land around Naruto fluttered in an invisible breeze, before DISAPPEARING into the light. Even the ground underneath Naruto was gone. As soon as nothing but black was left…

The light vanished.

Naruto stared, dumb struck.

"What… was that…?"

Silence. Nothing happened.

"Fuzz-butt…? fleabag…?... Kyuubi…?......... Kyuubi-sama…?" Naruto asked the air, scared.

Nothing.

"Where are you? Where are the stats? Where's the main menu…?" he waved his hand before him, feeling nothing. He waved a hand behind him. Nothing. Above him. Nothing. Below him… nothing. Naruto nearly screamed. He tried attempting something akin to a doggy paddle. Nothing. No movement from him at all.

This time, Naruto did scream. Loudly.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" he held it for as long as his lungs could, before dropping it. He panted, fear setting in.

"Am I… am I dead… for real…?"

* * *

Chapter End Cliffhanger

And now, a word from the beta-reader/co-writer, The Animaniac Dude:

Ooh, goody! Something resembling a plot! More video game-related stuff, as well as ONE MAJOR VIDEO GAME THING, (smirk), some Naruto-grown creativity in both fighting AND training, and some explanation! Majin hates the wave arc, so I'm doing him a favor as a beta-reader and doing this for him. Therefore, I decide I'd discuss a few things.

On the long wait: one, we had screwy schedules. Two, MHX and I had… a disagreement over creative ideas. We're all good now, so there SHOULDN'T be anything like this again. Ain't that right, MHX? We got it all figured out?

Yeah lets just say read a message before you send and don't be an apathetic bastard to some who you have respect for. Note a portion of my video section is down due to Youtube killing off some very talented videographers. including Luffy Vs Arlong and everything for the thriller bark and Shabondy archipelago arcs

On stats: 'smirk' take that, all you nay-sayers! We had a reason for including 'ignored Hinata'! It WASN'T pure plot-breaking romance stuff! It was punishment for him being a dumb ass! More on this 'ignored' stuff in later chapters.

On the ending: MUAHAHAHAHA!!! We like it! A trippy scene, horror-movie-esque ideas, and a panicky Naruto! What more do you need for a cliffhanger!?

On Haku: we did it for the laughs. Nothing more. Though if we wanted to, we could take that idea somewhere… we're still deciding on that front.

On 'achievements': pretty much the same thing as trophies on the 360 and the PS3. You get goodies if you do certain requirements.

On Naruto's fights: first one was won because of advanced training with Gai (what, you thought we threw that in there for fun?) and the second was him just plain cheating. It worked in the end, though, so it's all good. Naruto did not get uber-powered all of a sudden. He can, and WILL, get his ass handed to him many, MANY more times.

And, I think that's it! There are a few Easter eggs in here, for those of you versed in internet pop culture. Take it away, MHX!

Okay now people things will be picking up soon and Naruto will change avatars relatively soon if we keep up this length of chapters. Alright things will become more of a game but all the more real tidbits of a secret plot will come to you but when I not telling some will be obvious others well they require a good bit of thought to put together.

Well that's it for chapter seven chapter eight is in the works and hopefully won't take as long to write and if it does it will be better for the extra effort put into it.

This is Majin Hentai X. Good night and thank you for not supporting Yaoi.


	8. Wave Part 2

This is Majin Hentai X bringing you chapter of Naruto Game of the Year Edition

Normal speaking "And that's that." MHX washes the blood off his hands after returning Murphy's eyes.

_Thoughts/normal writing 'Now what to do solve world hunger begin a side project. Go to a strip club.'_

**Greater being/game writing "I'm in the mood for food and ecchi Hooters it is."**

Techniques:Instant Transmission MHX phased into reality in front of Hooters only to find it on fire.

* * *

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
Wave Arc part Two The Benefits of Repetitions  
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* * *

Naruto had never been more terrified in his life until that moment. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" he screamed. "This can't be happening!!! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!!! I CANNOT DIE!!!" he punched, kicked, screamed, scratched at the enveloping blackness that he floated in. nothing happened, and that frightened him all the more. "I can't die!! I still have so much to do!! So much to see!!! I haven't become Hokage!!! I haven't fallen in love, I haven't gotten married!!! I have no legacy!!! I haven't stopped Orochimaru!!! I haven't stopped Akatsuki!!! I HAVEN'T SAVED ANYBODY!!!!" he screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!" he flailed about wildly, screaming for the impossible. "SOMEBODY SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" he fought against the eternal darkness surrounding him, frantic, horrified, and hysterical. He continued until he could attack no more, before he fell like a puppet with its strings cut, sobbing helplessly. "Somebody… please… I don't want to die…"

* * *

Naruto didn't know how long he hung there in the darkness, weeping silently, slowly losing the will to fight. Nobody to talk to, nobody to hold on to, nobody to protect… he felt as if he had fallen into a fate worse than hell "I am completely alone. It wasn't until he heard faint voices, growing ever louder, that he knew he wasn't alone in the abyss.

"…HELL HAPPENED TO HIM!?!" a voice, female, if Naruto had to guess, shouted vehemently. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING HIM!!!" suddenly, Naruto could hear faint snoring. "WAKE THE HELL UP, DAMMIT!!!" the sound of metal meeting bone echoed out.

"NYAAAAAAAAH I'm awake, I'm awake!" a new voice, male, shouted. "Dammit, sis, that hurt!"

"YOU DESERVE IT, YOU DUMBASS!!! LOOK!!!" the female screamed. "HE FUCKING DIED!! AND HE'S NOT RESPAWNING!! YOU FUCKING GOT US INTO THIS MESS IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN, YOU'RE TAKING A **NAP!?**" Naruto gaped at the female voice.

"Wha…?"

"What!?" the male voice exclaimed. "Holy shit, you're right!! Why isn't he respawning!?"

"What's going on?" a third voice, another female, asked. This one was much softer, and sounded much kinder than the first female.

"This dumbass of a man let Naruto die!! He's supposed to make sure that he doesn't have this shit happen to him, AND WHY THE HELL HAVEN'T YOU FIXED IT ALREADY!?!?" the first screeched. The sound of a furious clacking noise rang out.

"I dunno gimme a…"the man trailed off. "Oh, fuck me sideways and call me a daisy… he hit a glitch…"

"Oh my gods…" the second female breathed.

"You're kidding me, what happened!?"

"I dunno. I just know that the shit hit the fan literally just a few hours ago. It's one of the biggest ones we've seen yet in any of the avatars! Screwy environment, physical impossibilities, rapid multiplication of the source glitch, and… holy shit… there was even a white-out…"

"Sweet baby mama…" the first female breathed. "Is the avatar intact!? If there was a fucking white-out, that entire damn multi-verse could have been wiped! CAN WE STILL ACCESS STANDARD Naruto!?"

"I'm checking" more of the loud clacking. Then only silence "Oh, lord…"

"What…? Is it… gone?" the second female asked. Naruto was lost, but tried to commit as much of the conversation to memory as possible.

"It's intact!! We still have standard Naruto!!!" the man whooped. "YES!!! We're still alive and kicking!!!"

"Don't get cocky, dumbass!! We may have pulled our fat out of the fire, but that still doesn't change that fact that we're getting third-degree burns!! Find out what the hell happened and fix it, god dammit!! I don't want anything to ever get even close to this bad ever again!!" more of the clacking sounds.

"Let's see… it's reading the past… it's in wave…" silence. "Oh, you're fucking KIDDING me!!! How the hell does THAT fucking happen!?"

"What? What caused the white-out?" asked the second female.

"You know that one chick, Haku?" Naruto's eyebrows shot up. _'CHICK!?'_

"Yeah, the one Zabuza rescued from mist the one with the ice?"

"Yeah, well, she pulled a gender-bender!!"

Silence.

"Come again?" the second female asked.

"According to these readouts, Haku kept switching between being a man and a woman every other life! And according to this, she was even a man in Naruto's actual life, which says a lot about how much we fucked up!"

"You're fucking KIDDING ME!!! How the fuck DOES that happen!?!?" the first female echoed. "And she didn't change her body's makeup every other life? No manliness at all?"

"Nope exact the hormonal makeup as her non-dangly-bits self, so even when she was a guy, she was an extremely girly one. Same with appearance, save for a few unavoidable rough spots that probably set the whole image off-kilter. That's probably the thing that set this whole firecracker off. Naruto got confused because of the switching, and finally told Haku to 'make up his god damn mind already' and 'pick his damn plumbing'. And after that, things spiraled down the crapper."

"God damn…" the first female swore. "I thought we had more time than this before the instability set in. can you fix the glitch so that this never happens again? And make sure you cover all of the avatars, because if it's happening in one multi-verse, it's happening in all of them!"

"Already on it I'd fix it even if it DIDN'T cause a white-out, because frankly, it freaks the hell out of me. She just doesn't look natural at all as a dude."

"Freaks me out, too set him back up at his last save. And for the love of dad, PLEASE don't fall asleep again!! If there's some even bigger glitch waiting in the wings, we may not have the luxury of a few years to nap!"

"But… but sis, I've been on Admin duty for the past 75 years! I'm about to drop dead from exhaustion!!" the male yawned. "Just a quick nap… five years, that's all…"

"NO!!!!" the first female screamed as the ringing metal sound was heard again.

"OWWWW!!! DAMMIT, SIS!!!"

"YOU are the only one, who knows how to run that damn contraption of yours, and YOU are the one who made us in charge while dad's on vacation, and YOU are the one who insisted on this video-game crap, so YOU get to do Admin duty!!" Naruto's eyes widened.

"What…!" he hissed.

"Ummm… Rasu… maybe we could take over for him. He does look tired… it doesn't look too difficult to run…" the second female voice mumbled.

"Tsuku, he's a man. He's supposed to do all the work for us delicate ladies." Naruto's head tilted to the side. _'Those don't sound like any name's I've ever heard of. Nicknames…?'_

"There's nothing delicate about either of you…" the male mumbled. WHACK!! "OWWWWW!!! DAMMIT SIS!!! ENOUGH WITH THE FRYING PAN!!!"

"THEN STOP INSULTING US AND GET BACK TO REVIVING NARUTO!!!" Rasu screamed.

"Um… Rasu, don't you think you're being a little harsh? You could be nicer to him…" Tsuku mumbled.

"I'M being harsh!? The damn idiot here gets us up to our eyeballs in this crap, this avatar's loop is starting to become unstable, and dad is only a hundred years away from getting back from vacation!! I'M DAMN WELL ENTITLED TO BEING HARSH!!!!" Rasu shrieked. "I am NOT going to be the one to take the heat if this shit gets out of hand!!!"

"y-you'd really ditch me to dad? You wouldn't…" the man stuttered, the fear evident in his voice. _'Note to self. Don't get in the way of their dad, whoever the hell he is.'_

"I would."

"That's harsh, sis…" there was the sound of more clacking, before the unnamed man spoke again. "So… have you found the others yet? That was you two's job…" Naruto heard Tsuku sigh.

"No… we didn't find them. Not in the entire Upper Lot. The blast must have thrown them into the multi-verses themselves. If we didn't get a grip on your chair, we would have been thrown away with them, and then who would watch out for Naruto?"

"Yeah… for once, your laziness saved our asses… thanks." Rasu added. The man was silent.

"It was my idea that we do this thing this way… it's my fault we got separated. If we'd gone with Shini's idea, we might still all be here."

"We'll find them. And while we look, they can handle themselves just fine." Tsuku said. Naruto was confused as all hell. _'So… there are more of these people? And what the hell's all this about a blast? Did something blow up?'_

"I know… we aren't who we are without being strong… but I still feel guilty. OWW!!! LET GO OF MY HAIR!!!"

"Idiot stop being all gloomy, it's freaking me out. Fix Naruto, and then go get a beer or whatever it is you drink nowadays. I can never keep up with your booze. We'll take admin duty." Said Rasu the man chuckled.

"Are you kidding me? I swore off drinking until all this shit is done. The reason we're in this damn mess was because I can't stay sober."

"Wait, you mean you're sober NOW? Will wonders never cease?" Rasu snaked.

"Oh, shut up. I've pretty much got this wrapped up. I've got Naruto hanging in limbo right now, so we don't have distance issues to worry about when we send him back."

"Limbo isn't that right next door?"

"Yeah so what?"

"Do… do you think he can hear us?" said Tsuku. There was dead silence.

"Oh, fuck." Said Rasu. "He CAN hear us, can't he?"

"Yep… he can hear us." Said the man. "Damn should've thought of that. Should we edit his memory?" Naruto pin wheeled rapidly.

"WHOAWHOAWHOA!!! Don't screw with my head!!" he shouted.

"Yeah, edit out his memory of us. It's not time for us to meet yet. Leave the glitch, though. And the limbo. Maybe that'll keep him from doing any more dumbass stunts." The clacking sound multiplied at Rasu's words.

"Sure thing… almost done."

"You're finally useful for once. It's a miracle!"

"You're a real bitch, you know that, sis? Would it kill you to stay nice for more than five seconds?"

"Shut the hell up, Susanoo." Naruto's eyes widened.

"What!?" was all he managed before that flash of light that had swallowed the monsters reappeared, and swallowed him whole. Susanoo peered into the now-empty black hole.

"You better get your ass in high gear, Naruto… or we're all screwed."

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!" Naruto screamed as he jerked up from his cot, flailing about wildly as he attacked the blanket covering him.

"What!? What!?!?" Sasuke shouted as he jerked upwards. "What is it!?" Naruto's head whipped about the small room, confused as everything. Kakashi grumbled sleepily and sat up.

"Hush… Naruto… it's too early…" Naruto merely sat there; panting heavily as he quickly stared around the room.

"I… I'm back… I'm alive…!" he breathed softly. Sasuke blinked.

"Alive?" Naruto whipped around at the sound of his voice, and was quickly at Sasuke's side. "HW-WHAT THE HELL, NARUTO!?!?" he shouted as Naruto pulled and stretched at Sasuke's cheeks.

"You're… you're real…" Naruto said slowly his face ever-so-slowly splitting into a shit-eating grin. "HAHA you're real I'm alive!" Kakashi blinked.

"Alive…? Naruto, did you have a nightmare?" Naruto wasn't even paying attention to him as he picked Sasuke up in a massive bear-hug, dancing around the room.

"HAHAHA I'M ALIVE!!! I'M ALIVE!" he crowed, Sasuke still squirming in his grip. "Oh, god you have no idea how GOOD it is to be alive!! If you weren't a guy, I could kiss you right now, Sasuke!!!" Sasuke erupted into a fiery blush of humiliated indignation.

"PUT ME DOWN!!!" he screamed. Naruto did just that roughly. "OW damnit, Naruto!!"

"Sasuke-kun…? What's going on?" Sakura mumbled, pushing open the sliding door into her separate room. Naruto whipped around towards her, eyes glinting.

"SAKURA-CHAN!!!" he shouted, tackling her to the ground.

"EEK!!!" she squeaked. Naruto DID try to kiss her, multiple times. She managed to squirm out in time, though.

"You're all real!! I'm free!!!" Naruto cheered. "HAHAH Oh, it is good to be alive!!!" Sakura, who was wearing one of the biggest blushed in recorded history, turned to Kakashi, who was watching the spectacle with bemusement.

"K-k-Kakashi-sensei? Who-what's up w-with him?" Kakashi rolled his visible eye.

"I think he had a nightmare, and now he's feeling rather affectionate. It'll probably wear off in a bit, though." Naruto leaped out the window whooping.

"HA!! IT'S FREAKIN' COLD!! I FREAKIN' LOVE IT!!!" he ran off towards a tree, running up and down it in victory laps. "Kakashi I'm gonna be out here for a while!" Kakashi snorted and rolled back into his futon.

"Oh, do what you want. I don't even care anymore." Tazuna slid open the sliding door, having heard the entire charade.

"…you ninja are bat-shit crazy."

* * *

"Oh, what a beautiful MOOOOR-NIIIING! Oh, what a beautiful DAAAAAAAAAY!" Naruto sang joyously, skipping up and down the trees like it was nothing. "Oh, what a beautiful FEEEEEE-LIIIIIIIING! Everything's going my WAAAAAAAY!"

"Wow. Apparently his control skyrockets when he loves life." Kakashi said sardonically, watching the spectacle. "Oi, Naruto! Have you been out here the entire night?" Naruto nodded, beaming. "Then, you've been tree-walking for the past… what, ten, eleven hours?"

"YEP and I am DEAD TIRED!!! IT IS GREAT!!!!" Naruto cheered. "Hey, Kakashi-sensei, look what I can do!!" three Kage Bunshin appeared and flipped over onto the bottom of high-hanging branches, hanging from their feet. Without warning, the original leaped out and grabbed the hanging clone's hands, using them as a swing. He flipped over himself in the air, and latched onto the next clone's hands. "Come on, Sasuke!! You got to try this!! It's WICKED fun!!!"

"Wow great. Now you can run off and join the circus weirdo." Sasuke grumbled, still pissed about the dangerously-close-to-yaoi moment in the night. Sakura stayed silent, too weirded out by the apparent 180 in Naruto's feelings for her. Naruto jumped down onto the ground, grinning.

"ALRIGHTY then So, we are working on chakra control today?" Kakashi nodded.

"Yeah I figured we could do tree-walking… but seeing as how you apparently have it down pat…" Naruto whooped and whistled. "I'll set you doing something else."

"Don't worry about, Kakashi-sensei! I've already got an exercise!" he plucked a leaf off of a small sapling nearby, and the leaf shot up in the air. "WAIT!!! COME BACK TO ME, MY BEAUTIFUL LEAF!!!" he shouted as he chased it into the forest. Kakashi could feel the sweat drop rolling down the back of his head.

"Man… that must have been one hell of a nightmare…"

* * *

"You'll catch a cold if you sleep out here like this." Haku said gently as Naruto snorted loudly, rolling over in his sleep… onto a sharp, pointy rock.

"YEOUCH!" Naruto yelped, leaping up and grabbing his afflicted body parts. "Oh, hell, that hurt!!" Haku giggled.

"Perhaps you should find a better place to nap next time?" Naruto whirled around at Haku's voice, instantly on guard.

"…before I say anything to you, answer my question." Haku looked at him as Naruto stared Haku straight in the eye. "…are you a boy or a girl?" Haku face-vaulted.

"And here I thought it was something important." Haku mumbled. "I am a girl. Can't you tell?" Naruto grinned sheepishly and helped her back on her feet.

"Sorry. Sorry. I've just met a lot of EXTREMELY girly men in my time, and that's not even getting into the cross dressers. I wanted to know if you had the right plumbing before I started hitting indiscriminately on you." Inwardly, Naruto's mind was a-whirl.

'_Last time, Haku was a girl! So, he… she should've switched back to being a guy! Why hasn't that happened?'_ Haku blinked.

"I… see." Naruto cracked his neck.

"So, is there anything that I can help with?"

"Hey is it's this one, right, to help with paralysis?" Naruto held up a flower. Haku nodded.

"That's right. You know a lot about plants." Naruto grinned.

"Well, I have a garden of my own back in Konoha, and I like to think it's pretty big. It's got this little niche, right behind the Hokage monument, where you could only find it if you knew what you were looking for." _'Probably the only reason it hasn't been trashed to all hell…'_ Haku blinked.

"You're from Konoha?" she asked. Naruto grinned and flicked the forehead protector.

"Yep, I'm a ninja! Someday, I'm gonna be the Hokage!"

"Wow… you're incredible." Naruto laughed.

"Good to see at least someone appreciates my talents! Most everybody back at home calls me a dumbass or an immature idiot!" he stood and struck a 'heroic' pose. "But I shall prove them wrong! I shall proves that NOBODY gets away with fucking' with the future Hokage!! BELIEVE IT!!!" Haku blinked, before breaking out into an unstoppable set of giggles. "HEY you were laughing at my manly speech?"

"The-there's noth-hehehehe!! There's nothing manly about shouting 'believe it!' randomly-hehehehehehehe!!" Haku giggled helplessly. Naruto's face scrunched together clearly annoyed at her laughter.

"Well… I tried to come up with something that was less annoying than 'dattebayo!' and that was all I got." Haku laughed even harder, rolling around and clutching her sides.

"Dattebayo that's eve-HAHAHAHAH!! That's even worse!!" Naruto frowned and pouted.

"Well, ex-CUUUUUSE me, not everybody can come up with catchy catchphrases on their first try!!" Naruto tapped his chin. "Hey… that'd be a good goal for me. Find a good catchphrase… got to write that down somewhere." Haku's laughter slowly petered off as she wiped a stray tear from her eye.

"Oh, forgive me, Shinobi-san. I haven't laughed that hard in quite some time." Naruto smiled as he helped her back to an upright position.

"Hey, don't worry about it! You looked like you could use a good laugh. And none of that stuffy 'Shinobi-san' crap! Makes me feel mature! Call me Naruto!!" Haku snorted involuntarily. Naruto's eyes narrowed. "And no cracks about the name, either I didn't pick it, but I'm stuck with it."

"I won't make any promises." Haku replied. Naruto pouted. "So, what were you doing out here in the first place, Naruto-kun?" Naruto grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head.

"Yeah, well, it's a long story…"

"I've got time." Haku said, sitting down. Naruto arched an eyebrow. _'Well, now. That's new. Come to think of it, this girl Haku seems… I dunno, happier, than her spear counterpoint? I dunno...' _he glanced at her and blinked. _'And come to think of it… she looks a little different, too. Almost, more… natural, not quite sure what it is, though. I could just be imagining things.' _He gave the mental equivalent of a shrug and gave up that line of thought.

"Well, it started when we fought these ninja…"

* * *

"You were out here because of a nightmare?" Haku summarized succinctly. Naruto shrugged.

"Heheh… yeah, if you want to put it that way, I like to think that I gained a new appreciation for life. You wouldn't know how freaky that dream was unless you were dreaming it yourself." Haku smiled, before her face twisted, like she had swallowed something bitter.

"I… I have to go." She quickly stood. Naruto squawked in protest.

"What, Come on, we were having a real good conversation here! Stay a bit longer!" Haku glanced around the clearing, almost fearful.

"I have to get back to him. If they saw who I was with…" Naruto suddenly understood.

'_So, she's finally realized she was making small talk with the people she's been hired to kill. That'll screw with you.' _He stood. "Aw, man! You have a curfew? Well, that just sucks ass! And I thought we were getting to be such good friends." Haku whipped around so fast Naruto thought he could hear the joints crack, her face struck with an indescribable look. Naruto did try, though. _'Let's see… that's fear, shock, sadness, some kind of wanting, joy, and… I'm not sure about that last one.'_

"F…friends?" Haku repeated slowly. Naruto grinned.

"Yeah, friends! I mean, we had a great time just now, we made each other laugh, and we enjoy the other's company! That sounds like friendship to me! Though, I probably wouldn't know, since I don't have too many friends…" the blonde chuckled nervously as he scratched his cheek. Haku looked thunderstruck.

"I…I don't have many friends either…" Naruto beamed.

"That's great!!" he blinked. "Er, I mean, it's not great! Er, wait, I mean…" Haku laughed involuntarily. "Gah let me try that again! It's not great that you don't have many friends, but it's great because then WE can be friends!" the hodgepodge of emotions on Haku's face multiplied tenfold. "Um… of course, if you don't want to, I can understa-"

"NO!" Haku shouted, before blushing. "I mean… yes. It would be… nice, if we could be friends." Naruto beamed.

"Well, alright! Friends!" he shoved out his hand, which he took. "You know, this probably isn't the best time to bring it up, but… I don't even know your name." Haku blinked, and giggled.

"My name's Haku." Naruto grinned.

"Well, then! It's nice to meet you, Haku!"

* * *

"Where the hell is he? It's the fourth day he's been missing!" Sakura complained as they sat around the small table, eating dinner. Kakashi shrugged.

"I don't know. Maybe he's on a quest to hug all the trees in the forest?" Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. He'll turn up eventually."

"But, maybe we should really be worried about him! I mean, that guy is out there, alive…!" Sakura protested and Kakashi eye-smiled.

"Don't worry, Sakura. Naruto's a lot stronger than he looks. Even I've been constantly surprised."

"I'm flattered, Kakashi-sensei." Said a voice from the door, the entire table turned to see Naruto, eyes crossed, and tongue clenched between his teeth, splattered with dirt and mud, floating an unsteady leaf in his hands. "And I stopped hugging trees the middle of day two. There weren't any more trees in the forest." Kakashi rolled his eyes.

"There you are. Where have you been? And why are you so filthy?" the blonde slowly sat down on the small mat laid out for him.

"What does it look like? I've been training! This thing is harder than it looks…" the leaf shuddered, and Naruto's cross-eyed look multiplied. "Whew almost lost it there. And you'd be surprised how dirty you get when you have to chase around a small leaf. My legs feel like they're about to fall off…"

"What about food?" Sakura asked.

"I met a new friend. She's been sneaking me goodies from her place when she visits. I just figured that since tomorrow is the day no-brow's supposed to show up again, you'd want me back here. That, and tsunami-san makes some mean teriyaki." Said woman blushed at the praise as Naruto sighed and let the leaf float to the ground. "Well, I'm pooped. What's for dinner?"

"Teriyaki."

"Sweet gotta love coincidences like that!" Naruto grinned. "Load me up!!"

"Since tomorrow is the last day, you three will join me in protecting Tazuna." Said Kakashi as he held out his bowl. "We have to be prepared for anything. Get some rest, because you'll definitely need it." Naruto whooped.

"YEAH finally, the good stuff!! I'm gonna kick so much ass!!"

"Naruto, people showing up is a BAD thing!!" Sakura shouted.

"Are you kidding me!? It's an awesome thing! How's anybody supposed to know how badass I am if I can't beat the crap out of anybody!?" he shouted. Kakashi snickered as his entire bowl disappeared in a flash. Naruto squinted. "Aw hell, missed it AGAIN!!! Stop eating so damn fast, Kakashi!!"

"Hahahaha Maybe next time, Naruto." Kakashi laughed. Inari, who was quietly sitting at the edge of the table, could stand it no longer.

"Why do you try so hard!?" he shouted, slapping his hands against the table. "No matter how hard you try, or how strong you look, you're all just going to die!!" Naruto clenched his fists, easily bending the metal fork in his hand as he barely restrained himself.

'_I know the kid's had a hard time, but he can't keep acting like he's some damn tragic hero! Dammit, I forgot how annoying he was...' _he calmed himself down and turned to the boy.

"Yeah, so, we're all going to die someday, so why not make the most of it while we can? If I'm gonna die standing on my feet, with a thousand enemies spread-eagled around me, instead of clamped to some hospital bed, stuck full of needles! Uzumaki Naruto is a man of action!!"

"DON'T BE STUPID!!!" Inari roared through tears. "Gato is stronger than any of you combined!! All you're going to get by fighting him is death!!! I hate people like you!!! You act all happy and smile all the time, but you have no idea how hard life really is!!!!!" the fork in Naruto's hand snapped in two, the head imbedding itself inches from Inari's head.

"I have no idea how hard life is ME!?!?" Naruto roared, angry beyond measure. "I AM UZUMAKI NARUTO!!!!" Sasuke blinked and felt that, different from all other times, this declaration was full of pain, full of sorrow. "I have been the target of over 43 assassinations since before I could even WALK!!! I'm lucky if I find my apartment hasn't been FIRE-BOMBED!!!" Sakura gasped, and the residents of wave could only gape in horror. "I am the most hated person in the ENTIRE fire country!!! I have had the one person I thought was my best friend ram his FIST through my LUNG!!!!" Sasuke's eyes shot open.

"What!?!?" he whispered.

"I have watched some of my most precious people be fucking MASSACRED in front of my eyes!!!!" Naruto didn't even care what he was screaming anymore. "I HAVE DIED MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT!!! SO DON'T YOU FUCKING **DARE **TELL ME THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW FUCKING HARD LIFE IS!!!!!!!!" he smashed his fist down, snapping the table in two. He whirled around and whipped out a kunai. "Kakashi, I'm going to go destroy stuff. If you value your life, you won't come looking for me." He stormed out of the room, kicking the door off its hinges and disappeared into the night. Kakashi heard the bestial roar… and the sound of raging winds… and the sound of oh-so-many trees snapping like toothpicks, echoing all throughout the night.

* * *

Naruto lay in the middle of the crater he had made, surrounded by destruction on a grand scale. Kakashi stood over the lip of the crater, staring in with serious eye(s). "What do you want?" Naruto ground out, too tired to move.

"…this was the Kyuubi's doing?" he asked.

"…nah. Most of it was me. I found a new jutsu, and I figured I might as well get my destruction jollies out and practice it at the same time. Fuzz-butt didn't show up until I started getting tired." Naruto answered. Kakashi leaped down into the crater, standing by his side.

"You do know that you said some pretty damning things in there?"

"Frankly, I just don't even care anymore. Do with me what you like." Kakashi sat down beside him.

"…you want to tell me anything?" he spoke after some time. Naruto wearily rolled his head on the ground so that he was looking at him.

"I'm different. Not in the way that you're thinking, too… I've seen a lot of things."

"Kage Bunshin will do that to you." Kakashi sighed. Naruto looked up at him, confused.

"Huh?" _'I thought we were talking about my time traveler-ness… what's he going on about?'_

"You said something to its effect back there, and I know that it's one of your favorite techniques, so don't pretend you don't at least have suspicions." Kakashi gave him a glance. "You know why Kage Bunshin was in the forbidden scroll?"

"Because it splits your chakra evenly and most people just don't have the chakra to spare." Naruto responded automatically. Kakashi scratched at his face.

"True… but that's not the only reason."

"Really?"

"Kage Bunshin… it, for all intents and purposes, creates an exact double of you. Not a person that looks like you, not someone who acts like you, another you." Kakashi held the cross sign, and another Kakashi proofed into existence. "They are another you, down to the very last mental tic." They intoned as one. Naruto shuddered.

"Man… that's really creepy, both of you saying that…"

"The technique is only as strong as the user." The original said. "If the original is a coward, and is afraid of dying…"

"…then that fear is transferred into the clone." The clone finished. "Sometimes, in order to try and 'save' it's existence, the clone would actually turn on the user and kill them, so that they would not have to be sent to die." Naruto paled.

"Y…you're kidding me…"

"And if the original dies, then all the clones die anyway. It's a fact of all Jutsu." Kakashi continued. "Then there's the fact of the clone's side-effect."

"Wait what side-effect?"

"The knowledge of the clone transfers to the user when they die. If the clone read an entire book that the original hadn't, the original would know everything the clone knew about the book when it dispels." Naruto's eyes widened.

"I… I didn't know that…"

"There's a flip side to that as well." Said the clone it pulled out a kunai and rammed it into where its heart would be. It dispelled, and Kakashi gained an intense look of pain. Naruto's eyes widened.

"No… no way…"

"It pierced right through the aortal valve. I would have bled out in seconds if that was real." Kakashi said, sitting back down. "That's the reason why so few people use Kage Bunshin anymore. Practically any Jounin you talk to knows how to use it, as it was fairly common knowledge back in our day. Then people started figuring out its side-effects. Only someone with immense chakra stores and was either suicidal…" Kakashi then looked Naruto straight in the eye. "…or was willing to give everything he had, a thousand times over, to protect what he cared about, could use it safely and keep a sane mind. I have no doubts in my mind which one of those you are." Naruto looked fairly green in the face as Kakashi stood up. "I'm not going to ask which precious people you saw killed, or what person betrayed you… god knows I've buried my fair share of best friends and dealt with more than my lifetime's amount of traitors." He held out a hand to Naruto. "Naruto… if you ever need someone to talk to, someone to vent about these kinds of things… remember that I've always got a willing ear." Naruto was silent, before taking Kakashi's hand.

"…thanks, Kakashi-sensei." Kakashi smiled as he hefted Naruto over his shoulder, eye-smiling.

"No problem."

* * *

"Kakashi-sensei, are we sure we want to leave Naruto behind?" Sakura asked as they walked away from the small house with Tazuna. Kakashi nodded.

"Yeah he wore himself out with his little spaz attack last night. He's more than likely torn more than a few muscles. Given his healing rate, though, he'll probably be up in a few hours or so. He'll catch up with us then." Sasuke was silent.

"So… Kakashi-sensei…" Sakura started on another thread. "Those things that Naruto said last night… are they true? Were all of those things true?" Kakashi closed his eyes and sighed.

"Sakura… do you really want the answer to that?" Sakura looked fairly green. "The ninja world is not exactly kind to those on the outside of the box. Naruto is not only a free thinker, which is an insurmountable obstacle in our world, but he is already cursed with a heavy burden which everybody hates him for. Our way of life is old fashioned, on the verge of being outdated, as are our views and beliefs. Remember that." They walked in silence to the bridge of course, that silence did not last once they saw the carnage. "What the fuck?" Tazuna exclaimed. "Guys, what happened to you!?!" he knelt down by a dying construction worker.

"M…monster…" the man whispered before breathing his last. Kakashi's eyes narrowed.

"Could it be…" he whispered as a thick fog bank rolled in. Sakura gasped.

"Kakashi-sensei this is that hidden mist Jutsu that that guy used before isn't it?"

"Well, well… looks like that blonde brat isn't here anymore. Isn't that a wonderful thing, Haku?" Zabuza chuckled darkly from the mist.

"Wonderful indeed, Zabuza-san. Now we can kill them easily." Haku spoke. Sasuke was trembling in his place. "Look, Zabuza. He's trembling. He's still a rookie."

"I'm trembling… with excitement!" Sasuke whispered as water clones suddenly appeared around them. Kakashi eye-smiled.

"Show them, Sasuke." The boy whipped out two kunai and dashed in, easily destroying all of the clones.

"Well. That was impressive. He destroyed all of the clones. Granted, the clones have only one-tenth of the original's power, but it's still an impressive feat." Haku nodded.

"Looks like a rival has appeared, eh, Haku?" Zabuza dispelled the fog surrounding them.

"Indeed… Zabuza-san." Replied Haku, wearing her hunter-nin mask.

* * *

Naruto cracked an eye open at the sound of tsunami's screaming. "No! Stop! If you kill him, I'll bite my own tongue off and bleed to death!!"

"They're already here, then…?" Naruto whispered as he slowly stood, kinking out the creases in his newly-fixed muscles. "Damn… really did a number on my arms back then…" he rotated his shoulders as he listened to the bandits leave. "What do you do now, Inari…?" Then there came an epic silence.

"GET AWAY FROM MY MOM!!!!" Naruto smiled.

"That's the spirit." And Naruto stood. He calmly walked out the front door, carefree-as-you-can-be, into the standoff. "Man, Inari. You really DO have a spine. Gotta say, kid, you've got real potential."

"Who the hell are you!?" one of the hired swords growled, shoving his katana dangerously close to tsunami's neck. "Get any closer and we'll kill the woman!! I mean it!!" Naruto laughed.

"Ooh, it's a big, scary man with a sword, threatening a helpless, unarmed woman! Man, that's gotta say something about your self-confidence issues… and the size of your balls." the mercenaries growled at the insult.

"Brat!!" the first mercenary shouted as he lunged forward, the second keeping his blade at tsunami. Naruto sighed and settled into his fighting stance.

"Man! All I'm getting to use falcon leg on are weak little toadies! I want to fight someone powerful, dammit!" and Naruto leaped. The man whirled around, looking for the orange ninja.

"What, where did he go now?"

"Right HERE!!" the jinchuuriki shouted as he slammed his foot into the man's side, knocking the wind and more than a little blood loose. The follow-up roundhouse kick to the face didn't help, either. He slumped to the ground, dead to the world. Naruto cracked his knuckles menacingly while smirking.

"So, what, you next?" the hired sword shuddered and lifted the blade higher.

"S-stay away from me, I'll kill her!! I'll really kill her!!!" Naruto's smirk widened.

"Oh, I don't think you will. I think you're about to meet my good friend…"

"A BOOT TO THE HEAD!!!" the clone shouted as he leaped off the roof and punted the man across the face, sending him flying into the water. The two Narutos laughed. "HAHAHAHAHA Oh, that never gets old!!"

"You're telling me!!" the original chuckled as he dispelled the clone. He walked over to tsunami's side and held out a hand. "You okay, Tsunami? They didn't hurt you?" the mother shakily nodded and grasped his hand, pulling herself up.

"I… I think so…" Naruto smiled.

"That's good. If they had, then I would've been inclined to punt them a little bit more." Naruto nodded to Inari. "Good job, Inari. You held them off while I woke up."

"You SLEPT through all that noise they made!?" Inari shouted.

"Well, I kind of woke up when your mom threatened to kill herself, so, not all of it. And besides, I was dead tired. It takes a while to reattach torn muscles!" Naruto pumped is fist. "YOSH I'm all fired up now!! Time to head for the bridge!!!" and he sprinted off before they could say anything about it.

"Now… what to do what to do." Naruto pondered as he leaped through the trees. "Last time I was here, we beat them, but both of them died. They're kind of nice people once you get past the 'I'll kill you for the fat-ass's money' thing, so I'd prefer that not happen. What to do…" he tapped his chin while leaping. "don't think I could get them to join Konoha… no idea what kind of shit that'd cause for the old man with Mizu… maybe get them to run away?" his face took a pondering look. "That might work… Zabuza's too prideful to willingly run away from a fight, but Haku has him by the heartstrings… so, if I convince Haku, then Zabuza's will have no choice but to go along with him!!" he slapped a fist into his palm. "IT COULD WORK!!!" he shouted… before slamming face-first into a tree.

"…thank god nobody saw that. That's gonna hurt so bad in the morning…"

* * *

Naruto watched over the fight with a passive gaze. "…right. What to do? If I just run and jump into there like last time, I'll get my ass kicked… I'm not too good with throwing stuff, so picking them from over here is out of the question… really, what else CAN I do? I don't like using time stop, since it feels like I'm cheating myself out of a good fight… that and I've already used it once out of necessity, and I don't like being a one-trick pony." He blinked. "Wow… running in blindly IS all that's left! I got lucky the first time!" and with that, he swooped out of the tree, chucking a spare shuriken at Haku's exposed face. Her head snapped to the side as Naruto threw smoke bombs to the ground. 'Ah, smoke bombs. A dramatic entrance's best friend!' he thought for a moment, then laughed silently as he quickly pulled a red magic marker out of unspeakable places and drew all over his face and struck a pose. As the smoke cleared, nobody was prepared for what they saw.

"YOYOYOI!!!" Naruto yelled striking multiple kabuki poses he'd seen ero-sennin do during his intros. In the One Piece universe Kumadori sneezed "I am the fear that strikes deep into your heart at night!! I am the feeling that pierces your mind!! The ladies love me!! The men fear me!! I am… NARUTO UZUMAKI, future Hokage!!!!" he shouted, feeling the kabuki markings on his face dribbling from the mist.

"Damn, nothing?" Naruto swore, rubbing the marker off on his sleeve. "guess I'm going to have to work on the speech a bit more… how the hell does ero-sennin do it!?" the entire group sweat dropped.

"Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!" Kakashi mumbled. "Aren't you supposed to help us instead of making a fool out of yourself?" Naruto cracked his knuckles.

"Hey! Shut up!! I was bored, so sue me!!" Haku turned to Zabuza's from inside her ice mirror, her unease hidden behind her mask.

"Zabuza's-san… this is…" Zabuza's eyes widened.

"You mean, this is the boy!?" Haku nodded, her face twisted by indecision. "The one you weren't certain you could fight?"

"Yes… him…" Haku started. Kakashi's eyes widened.

"Naruto's new friend…!" he whispered. Naruto, having heard the entire exchange, decided that now was the time to play the fool.

"Sasuke, you idiot, you went and got yourself captured!! Now I have to get in there and save your ass!!" and with that, he leaped through one of the cracks in the mirror and took a fighting pose around Sasuke.

"YOU IDIOT!" Sasuke screamed. "Now you're trapped in here too!!" Naruto grinned.

"So? I knew that right from the start! If I don't watch your back, you'll end up a pincushion. Oh, wait, that's right! YOU ALREADY ARE!!" Sasuke looked away, embarrassed. "I don't think you really have any right to complain about me saving you."

"Zabuza-san…" Haku pleaded, her voice almost taking on a whine. Zabuza growled as he took a swipe at an adventurous Kakashi.

"It can't be helped!! Take them both out!!!" Naruto smirked, though inwardly his was panicking.

'_Crap… haven't thought this far ahead… how the hell am I supposed to convince them to leave!?'_ Naruto settled into falcon leg. "What's the matter, hunter? You chicken? You freaking' little sissy!! Come fight me like a man!!" Haku twitched, and Naruto knew the irony of the taunt was not lost on her.

"I do not wish to do this to you, but if you continue with these childish taunts…!" Haku warned.

"Bawk-CAW!! Bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk!!" Naruto walked around, flapping like a chicken. He could feel Sakura's rapidly growing urge to punch him all the way in the ice ring. "Quite acting like a scared little girl, and FIGHT!!"

"SO BE IT!!!" Haku shouted, annoyance finally winning out over emotion. Naruto smirked.

"What the hell was THAT!?" Sasuke shouted as he barely dodged a hail of senbon.

"Sometimes, the enemy needs a push in the right direction!! Ouch!! That was that push!!" Naruto replied as a senbon punched into his calf. "Damn, I forgot how much these things sting!! Sasuke, do you have THOSE yet!?"

"What? No!!" Sasuke shouted. "Why would I have them? Only Metsuki has them right now!!" Naruto swore.

"Damn! Now what am I supposed to do…?"

'_**Boy. Channel some of my chakra and get a grip on the Uchiha.'**_Kyuubi took the opportunity to speak. Naruto stopped moving, and received a senbon in the bicep for his effort.

'_What? What's that supposed to do, and what, no fleshbag? I didn't know we were suddenly friends!' _

'_**I have a… intimate understanding of the Uchiha. Know thy enemy, as they say. Their eyes are activated by activated by the more basic emotions in the world. Their initial activation is caused by fear, most of the time for you puny ninja that means fear of death. My chakra is the most potent source of Ki outside of the gods, so it will more than suffice. And we're in the middle of a freaking' battle, the least I can afford you is some courtesy.'**_Naruto blinked, before shrugging. He wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"SASUKE, get over here!" The raven took a diving roll and arrived at his side. "Hold still!! This might sting a bit!!!" Naruto grabbed Sasuke on the shoulder and blasted outwards with the Kyuubi's chakra. Sasuke screamed and fell to the ground, clutching his face. "Well? Did it work!?"

"YOU DUMBASS!!!!" Sasuke screamed as he cocked back a fist. Naruto ducked to the side, only to be sent flying as Sasuke's fist followed him.

"OWW YOU BASTARD!!! And after I even activated them for you…" Naruto was rolling around on the ground, clutching his nose. Haku was just plain too confused to do anything other than watch the two slug each other out.

"LIKE HELL YOU DID!! I…" Sasuke trailed off as he realized what he was seeing. Naruto smirked.

"Bingo." Sasuke stared at his hands.

"This… this is incredible, how did you do it!?" Naruto smirked and waggled his fingers.

"I have the magic touch." Sasuke swatted at his head. Naruto stood and whipped out a kunai. "Hunter!! You think you can take on the future Hokage AND an Uchiha by yourself?" Haku's eyes widened behind her mask.

"An Uchiha…!" Haku ducked into another mirror. Sasuke tracked the movement and blasted a fireball in his general direction, narrowly singing his robes. Naruto smirked.

"LET'S GET WILD!!!!" and he charged. He punted off of a mirror, hands in a cross, precariously holding his kunai. "KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!!!" five Narutos charged off, bouncing off the ice mirrors, barely dodging the senbon that would dispel them. "Think, hunter!! The odds are against you!! You and your master cannot win!! Take everything you own and leave, and we will spare your lives!"

"I will never betray Zabuza-sama!!" Haku shouted as she bounced between mirrors, tossing out senbon. Almost instantly, the shadow clones were dispelled. Naruto smirked.

"Who ever said anything about betraying Zabuza? The offer extends to him, too." Haku blinked and hesitated. That was all the opening Naruto needed as he created four more shadow clones. "You cannot win. You are outnumbered four to two… or four hundred to two, depending on my mood. The odds are against you both. Leave now, and you can escape with your lives."

"But… Zabuza-sama…" Haku stumbled. Sasuke merely stood still and watched the exchange. He knew better then to interrupt a talk that might end the conflict.

"Can leave as well, I can NO will convince Kakashi to let him escape, and even if you somehow won, do you really think that Gato would actually go through with his end of the agreement?" Naruto pushed the opening in her defenses. "He's a black-hearted bastard. Zabuza knows this, you know this, and I know this. So why would he pay you when he could quite simply finish you two off once you've worn yourselves out destroying us?" Naruto made a fake hand sign and made a show of clutching his head. "I now know for a fact that he's headed this way with an army of mercenaries, all armed to the teeth. Now, what does that tell you?" Haku's eyes widened behind her mask.

"What?!" she shouted. Kakashi and Zabuza have paused in their duel at the outburst. Haku whirled around and leaped out of the mirror. "Zabuza-sama, we've been betrayed!!" the missing-nin's eyes widened, before swearing loudly.

"Why that no-good, two-timing son of a bitch!!" the icy cage melted to the ground, and the two genin stepped out, unharmed. Zabuza strapped his head-cleaver to his back and turned away from Kakashi. "Looks like our fight is over, Sharingan Kakashi, it's a pity. I would've liked to see it in action a bit more." Kakashi hefted his kunai higher.

"And what makes you think I'll let a bounty head like you go?"

"Let them go, Kakashi." Naruto shouted as he ran up. "We've got a common enemy, now." Kakashi arched his eyebrow.

"What Who?"

"Gato's hired help on the other side of the bridge." Naruto pointed in the direction he knew they'd be coming from. "They planned on double-crossing Zabuza's and Haku once they were weak and powerless." Haku's eyes shot open.

"Wh-you-" Naruto looked over at the girl and smirked.

"What, you thought I didn't notice? I knew the moment we met." Haku hung her head in humiliation. "Why do you think I tried so hard to get you two to leave? I'm not about to kill my new friend and her guardian." Haku jerked back up, her face showing both shock and happiness. Zabuza looked between the two and smirked.

"You do realize you just chose the lives of two missing-nin over your mission."

"Who says they have to be mutually exclusive, no-brows? We can do both!" Naruto retorted. He cracked his neck. "But first the goon squad!" Zabuza dispelled the mist, and the mercenary army, headed by Gato, was revealed.

"Gah Look at you Five minutes away and you turn on me! This is why I never intended to pay you in the first place!" the fat man shouted. Zabuza grinned evilly and fingered the hilt of his head-cleaver.

"You do realize you just sealed your fate? I don't like getting stiffed come payday." He charged forward. "Looks like I get to take it out on YOU!!!"

"GET HIM!! GET HIM, OR YOU'RE ALL FIRED!!!!" Gato shrieked. The mercenaries charged the man. Naruto turned to Haku, only slightly disgusted by the bloody massacre. Dying over and over had desensitized him to killing.

"Well… I guess that's that. We'll leave you two alone, but only if you clear out." Haku nodded. The Jinchuuriki held out his hand. "Well… it's been fun." Haku took his hand.

"Yes… yes it has." The two shook, before Naruto pulled her into a bear hug. Haku came away the color of a tomato. Naruto chuckled nervously. "Sorry. Still affectionate, I guess. Thought I'd gotten rid of that the third day." Haku nodded, not trusting her voice.

"I…I… yes." She turned and walked quickly to Zabuza's, hiding her face between her hands. Zabuza leaned over near Naruto's ear.

"I hope you realize that that was just about the only physical contact she's ever had with a boy her age." Naruto blinked, before his face lit up at the unfortunate implications. "If you ever hurt Haku, in any way possible… I'll kill you." He stood erect and walked to Haku's side. "So long. Let's hope our paths never cross again." Haku created an icy mirror behind them and placed a hand on Zabuza's shoulder. The two stepped backwards into the mirror, and were gone.

* * *

"Man… we got it done this quickly…" Naruto whistled as he stood alone at the foot of the bridge, looking over the clones doing the finishing touches. "Before, it took about two weeks… but with the clones, it's taken only five days…" a jingle sounded by his ear, and he turned lazily to watch the prize. "Finally, I was wondering when I'd get stats."

**Boss Fight Completed! 'Zabuza and Haku' Charisma: +3! Agility: +1! Strength: +3! Experience Gained: 239! **Chibi Naruto appeared and did a happy dance as the words flashed and grew. **Level up! Level 7! Stats Gained:**

**Strength: +9!**

**Intelligence: +4!**

**Chakra: +13!**

**Control: +5!**

**Bonus: Accuracy: +4!**

**Bonus: Trap Skill: +3!**

**Bonus: Endurance: +4!**

**Achievement Completed! 'Zabuza + Haku alive!' Prize Awarded: New Avatar!**

Naruto cracked his neck and yawned once the stats were done. "Huh gained a whole bunch of experience again. Now, why's that, when the last time I fought them, I didn't get a lot?" he looked at the achievement and blinked. "Huh New avatar. Wonder which one I got. Still haven't figured out why those are even there, though. Why the craps are there so many different avatars?"

"Naruto!" Inari shouted as he ran over the hill Naruto was sitting on into sight. The blonde smiled and waved him over.

"Hey, Inari, Get over here!" the boy sat down beside him. "I haven't really gotten time to talk to you guys, after the attack. That was a real good job you did back there, protecting your mom like that." The boy grinned.

"Thanks." The two sat in amiable silence, before Inari spoke again. "So… the bridge is almost finished.

"Yep, between my clones and your grandpa, we got it done in no time flat!" Naruto flexed his bicep. "I never would have thought construction had so much thinking in it! It made my head hurt just trying to follow what your gramps was saying!" Inari laughed. "But yeah. We never would have finished it with Gato still here." Inari's smile slipped… but only for a moment.

"Yeah, but now he's gone." Naruto smiled.

'_He's growing up, if he's able to let go.'_ "That he is Inari. That he is." and they watched the construction continue.

"But… you know it's still not done yet." Said Inari Naruto groaned.

"Oh, boy, what do we have to do now?"

"Think of a name." Naruto's eyes widened, before laughing softly.

"That's right… it needs a name." _'Did they name it the last time around? I wonder what they called it...' _

"Do you have any ideas?"

"Well…" Naruto stroked his chin. "It has to be a name that inspires courage. I mean, it was made on the courage of a few good men that risked their lives in order to break Gato's stranglehold. If another greedy bastard shows up, you've gotta be brave and fight back, instead of taking it lying down like before." Inari nodded.

"Uh-huh… courageous…"

"It's gotta be something to do with overthrowing Gato. Because really, that's the reason the whole bridge was made, you can't ignore its history."

"Has to do with beating Gato…"

"It's gotta be short, sweet and catchy. Because nobody likes a long-winded name that's like, 'the bridge where we became free men and overthrew a tyrant.' Nobody's ever going to remember that." Inari nodded a sly smile on his face.

"Is that it?" Naruto pondered for a moment, before nodding.

"Yeah, that's all I got. Did that help?" Inari stood, grinning.

"I have the perfect name. I'll go tell grandpa!" and he ran off. Naruto smiled.

"Ah, kids…" he blinked. "…there's something wrong with me saying that, seeing as how I'm a kid too…" as he stood, he realized something. "He never did tell me what name he came up with…"

* * *

"Thank you for everything you've done…" Tazuna held out his hand. Kakashi merely waved it off.

"It was nothing." Kakashi eye-smiled.

"We'll visit eventually!" Naruto smiled. Inari's bottom lip quivered. Naruto's eyes hardened. _'I will not cry I will not cry I will not cry…' _tears started to leak out of Inari's eyes. _'Dammit!! I'm crying!!' _Naruto whipped around before anybody could see.

"You… better…" Inari mumbled through the streams. Naruto walked briskly away before any of the team could see it.

"See ya!!" he shouted, careful not to blubber in it. As the team walked away, Naruto's ears twitched.

"By the way… we still need a name." Tazuna said off-handedly.

"Grandpa how about, 'The Great Naruto Bridge!'" Naruto froze.

"Heh… that's a good name… for a boy who gave us courage, Soon, it'll be a name, that'll be famous the world over…"

"AWW GOD DAMMIT!!!" Naruto screamed through the tears. "DAMMIT, YOU GUYS!!! DID YOU HEAR THAT!?!?! I'VE GOT A BRIDGE!!! I'VE GOT MY VERY OWN GODDAMN BRIDGE NAMED AFTER ME!!!!!" he both laughed and cried, he laughed until he cried. "God damnit, I knew I loved that kid!!! He was one of the good ones!!!" Sakura looked to Kakashi.

"I thought he was over this…!" Kakashi eye-smiled.

"Frankly, I don't blame him a bit."

* * *

And, wave is done! Majin Hentai X is now back in the seat from here on out.

Woo, plot! It's a shocker, I know! Cookies from both of us if you guess what we've got planned! (MHX:Foolish humans you can never discern the plot line.)

On Haku: yes, he is now permanently a she. After intense debating with MHX, (read: being bribed) we've decided that Haku is in. this is, however, still up for debat- (takes wad of cash from MHX) completely non-negotiable. If you don't like it, you can kiss my as- (takes wad of cash) politely bow out. Nobody's forcing you to read this. And yes, we said Haku looks different. Personally, we thought there was something a little off-putting with his appearance in the manga. We weren't sure what, but it was there. Just pretend Haku looks more like a girl than (s) he already did. (More feminine appearance curves in the right places softer voice etcetera etcetera)

On the harem: again, not for a while, pervs. (MHX: what!? Come on!)We have confirmed Haku, but nobody else yet. Until we confirm someone else, anything we may write is just us covering our bases. (MHX: Until Naruto's ready to round second a few dozen times.)

On the plot: we're getting there. It won't really become obvious until the end of the Sasuke retrieval arc, but we're dropping some pretty heavy hints as it is. If you ask me the right questions, I'll tell you what's goi- (takes wad of cash) throw it right back in your face and tell you to wait like the rest of the readers.(MHX:And for you damn time travelers no spoilers for everyone else you dirty temporal hobos)

Well, that's all I can think of right now. Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to get back to my day job. (Puts on snappy Armani strait-jacket)

Well this is Majin Hentai X signing off until next chapter good night and thank you for not supporting yaoi the power of Hentai compels you.

P.S.: I hope you all enjoyed wave arc because it will never be seen in any fic I write or story I am affiliated with again. As for why I will publically announce my deep inner secret of why once this sstory breaks 300 reviews.


	9. Newcomers and Unspeakable Weirdness

This is Majin Hentai X Chapter nine for your reading pleasure.

I do not own any published or copy written works as of yet but I'm getting closer with every day.

Normal speech "Oh shit the women I must save them." MHX inhales through his nose drawing in the flames eyes watering.

_Thoughts "Hold on a little longer ladies. Must not sneeze." B_ehind MHX a very plain bland door opens slowly with a dim light flowing out._  
_

**Greater being "Hello Majin. Looking for your precious loose women." **Said a man wearing a black suit his face was the portrait of stoicism because it was literally a painting on a face.

Techniques Katon:Salamander no Jutsu MHX Sneezes out a twisted pillar of fire from his nose. Only for it to part around the body of the new comer.

MHX growls."Status Quo of the Stereotype what the hell are you doing here. More importantly what happened to the women my hentai sense detect none in a hundred miles living or dead."

**"Wouldn't you like to know Majin-kun." **Chuckled Status Quo his painted face completely motionless.

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Chapter 9: Chuunin Exams, Newcomers and Unspeakable Horrors, Oh My!  
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Naruto sighed contentedly as Kakashi gave the Hokage the debriefing of the mission. Sarutobi leaned back in his chair, eyebrow arched into his hat.

"And then, they left the bridge… just like that?"

"Just like that, Hokage-sama." Kakashi nodded. The third sighed and kneaded his forehead.

"Kami, there's going to be so much paperwork from this…" he pulled out the mission scroll and quickly scratched out the C ranking. "Due to the fact that there were unforeseen complications with the mission, this is now bumped up to an A-rank for the records. However, since we were not paid the amount for that, we can only pay the equivalent of a B-rank. The village will consolidate the leftover." Naruto whistled.

"Damn! That's big money!" Sakura swung at the boy.

"Naruto, Show some respect in front of the Hokage!!" Naruto dodged easily.

"Oh, come on! The old man and I are buddies! Besides, it's not like he hasn't heard anything I could possibly know how to say, right?" the Hokage chuckled wryly.

"You do have quite the colorful repertoire. If you go into the next room, you'll be paid for your time." Naruto whooped, and the three Genin rushed into the next room. The Sandaime then turned to Kakashi. "Is there anything that you would like to add, Kakashi, Now that we're away from younger ears?"

"Yeah… it's about Naruto." Kakashi spoke, suddenly serious. "He could consciously draw on the power of the Kyuubi." Sarutobi sat up straight in his chair, any and all humor gone.

"What since when?"

"It was during the training week. He was angered by something the client's grandson said, and completely destroyed a section of the forest. He says that he didn't start using it until he began to run out of chakra, but frankly, I think that was him making sure I didn't panic." Sarutobi fingered his pipe, a worried expression on his face. "Then there's the fact that he's admitted to having conversations with the fox."

"What!?" Sarutobi shouted, before getting odd stares from the rest of the aides in the room. He leaned in closer and lowers his voice. "Are you sure!?"

"Positive. He stated himself that he's talked with the fox on more than one occasion. He's even admitted to learning from him. He then added that that didn't happen very often, and that more often than not, they just ended up shouting at each other."

"This is worse than I expected. Is the seal weakening that quickly?" Kakashi struck a thinking pose.

"Well… I didn't see him use it in the battle against the missing-nin, only during the time when he was venting his frustrations. Perhaps it HAS weakened, but only to the point where it can only be used in times of extreme exhaustion or emotional turmoil." Sarutobi was silent. "What do you want to do?"

"I want to call in an expert." He waved over an aide to his side. "Send out a messenger hawk to Jiraiya of the sannin. Tell him that a situation of utmost urgency has arisen in Konoha, and that refusing is not an option." The aide bowed and left from the room. "In the meantime, though… Kakashi Keep an eye on Naruto. Watch for anything odd from him. If he does anything strange, bring him in to me immediately."

"Of course, Hokage-sama. Now, if you'll excuse me…" and Kakashi shunshin'd away. The Sandaime kneaded his brow, sighing.

"I'm getting too old for this shit."

* * *

As Naruto walked down the street, he stared absently at the suddenly-there black words that stated that he'd 'completed the quest of wave!' he didn't even bother staring at the stats when he realized he didn't get any new goodies out of it. "Haaaa." He sighed. "I'm starting to get bored. I need some variety in my life."

"**Then get a girlfriend! Those always add variety… of the sexy kind." **Kyuubi grinned perversely... or at least, he grinned as much as a monstrous demon fox COULD grin. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"One, anything you suggest is more than likely a REALLY bad idea, and two, I'm not even touching romance until I'm strong enough not to die every five seconds." Naruto ignored the strange looks that he was getting from talking to himself. After all, they WERE an improvement over the hatred stares. If being thought he was crazy made people hate him less, he'd put on the strait-jacket in a heartbeat.

"**Oh, be quiet, fleshbag. If you let me take over, you won't ever need to worry about dying ever again."**

"Like that'll ever happen. If I let you take over my body, you'd kill everybody in the village, and then what do I have to become Hokage of?" Kyuubi fell silent. "Ha! Point for me!"

"**Shut up."**

**

* * *

**

"BOOOO-RING!!" Naruto cried out as team seven walked home from yet another uneventful d-rank mission. If he'd been counting right, it was about a month after the eventful wave mission. "Can't we do another mission where we get to beat up missing-nin again?" Kakashi rolled his eyes. Sakura blushed heavily and turned to Sasuke.

"U-umm…hey, Sasuke… do you think, after we get paid, we could… you know…" Sasuke completely ignored the girl's advances and walked away. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Figures I always knew that guy was straight as a circle." He ducked.

"IDIOT My Sasuke is not gay." Sakura screamed. Sasuke, halfway down the street, twitched angrily, before walking away even faster. Naruto laughed.

"Are you kidding me? He's not even making a token attempt to find a girlfriend! If he was straight, he'd at least TRY and find a girl!" he ducked again, her fist only barely missing this time.

"IDIOT Sasuke is only waiting! Someday he'll realize I'm the girl of his dreams!!" Naruto rolled his eyes at her contradictory argument.

"Whatever." He noticed almost immediately when the square rock behind him waddled up. "Hey, Sakura You ever heard of the one-foot-tall brick wall? It's a Konoha landmark!!"

"The one-foot-tall brick wall; I've never heard of something like that!" Naruto whirled around on Konohamaru and company.

"Neither have I!"

The box exploded. 'Cough cough' "Dang it!! Too much gunpowder…" Konohamaru coughed, before pointing at Naruto. "That's just what I expect of my rival!!"

"Hey, Konohamaru." Naruto grinned. "Whatcha doing?"

"Boss don't you remember? You promised us that you'd play ninja with us today!" Konohamaru shouted. Naruto rolled his eyes, while inwardly laughing his ass off.

"And what makes you think that I'd actually do something like that with you? What makes you think that I don't have better things to do with my time?"

"You don't!" the pipsqueak declared. Naruto knew he was wrong, but he would humor him.

"Actually, I have a dozen things better than this to be doing…" Konohamaru slumped. "…but I guess I could clear my book." The academy student's head whipped up.

"Really!?" the joy in his eyes embarrassed Naruto more than a little bit. "Thank you so much, Naruto!!"

"What kind of a ninja 'plays' ninja?" Sakura finally made her opinion known.

"One that has mini-ninja to watch after, that's who!" Naruto shot back. Konohamaru looked at her, before his eyes lit up in recognition.

"Oh! Hey, boss!" he grinned. "Is she your… you know?" he asked, waggling his pinky finger at the orange-clad ninja. Naruto's eyes widened, before laughing.

"Oh, what, her? My girlfriend? Are you kidding me!? She wouldn't give me the time of day! She's too hung up on Sasuke!" again, Naruto's mouth-before-brain reaction surprised him. _'Wow, what the heck happened? Soon as I stop pining after her, I start acting like an asshole about Sakura? Jeez… wait a second… fuzz-butt, are you doing something to me!?'_

"**MAAAAAAAAY-BE!" **

'_WHY!? I thought you wanted me to get a girlfriend!!'_

"**YEAH!! One that ISN'T horribly stunted in the T&A department!!" **Naruto slumped inwardly. Meanwhile, Konohamaru was scowling deeply.

"What, the Uchiha bastard? Figures…" Moegi right next to him had sparkly eyes.

"He's so cool." Konohamaru's scowl shot even lower. Naruto instantly knew why he hated the raven. He grinned a conspiratorial grin and leaned into Konohamaru's ear.

"Don't you worry a bit? I'll bet you ryo to ramen that either she'll ease up when she finds out babies have better junk than him, or you'll find an even cuter girl out there." The boy's eyes shot wide open, before bursting out laughing.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!!! You're kidding!! He's THAT tiny!?!?" Naruto nodded, smirking.

"Yep smaller than this knuckle, right here!!" he pointed to said knuckle, before face-planting straight into the cement, courtesy of one Haruno's fist.

"TIME TO DIE, NARUTO!!!!" Sakura screeched. Naruto screamed a very unmanly scream and sprinted away.

"RUN!!! RUN LIKE HELL AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!" the three academy students were hot on his heels, with Sakura quickly catching up. "PETAL TO THE METAL, KONO!!!"

"I'M TRYING, I'M TRYI-" the boy slammed into a black-clad leg.

"That… hurt." Kankuro growled. He hauled the boy up by his scarf, staring him into his eyes. Naruto quickly noted that Temari was watching with annoyed amusement.

"Konohamaru!!" Moegi shouted.

"Kankuro, stop, we don't want to cause a sce-"

"Shut up!! I hate midgets like these!!" Kankuro shouted. Naruto glared. While he was Gaara's brother, every time he had ever seen him, he had acted like an asshole, so he had no qualms about hating him with a passion. Team… teme… whatever her name was didn't seem as bad as that, though. She only seemed indifferent… and she actually cared about Gaara, which was a plus in his book.

"Put him down, asshole, before I make you." Naruto growled. Kankuro laughed condescendingly.

"What, you? You couldn't hurt a fly." A rock flew from the tree, smacking Kankuro in the wrist. He hissed at the sting as he dropped Konohamaru to the ground.

"Maybe… but I doubt the ANBU on the rooftop over there will appreciate you roughing up the Hokage's grandson." Sasuke warned, pitching around another rock. Kankuro's eyes widened.

"That's a good way to get your exam pass revoked REAL fast." Naruto nodded to Sasuke. The raven inclined his head slightly, ceding control of the situation to him.

"Kankuro, you idiot!!" Temari shouted. "What if you get us all kicked out!? Father will have your hide!!"

"And I doubt that your little friend in the tree will appreciate your antics either." Naruto grinned savagely. Kankuro paled as he felt the KI sweep over him. Gaara hung from the tree, staring him down. Sasuke's eyes widened at the suddenly-there ninja.

"Kankuro… You're an embarrassment to our village." Gaara said in a monotone. Kankuro backed up quickly, waving his hands in a placating gesture.

"L-l-listen, Gaara, I'm sorry!! That kid, he-"

"Shut up. I'll kill you…" Gaara said in the same monotone. The puppeteer froze, terrified.

"Aaa, is that any way to treat your siblings, mister tanuki?" Naruto drawled, throwing his hands behind his head. "You should really take better care of them. Who knows when you'll need them?" Temari and Kankuro froze.

"Does that kid have a death wish!?" Kankuro hissed to Temari. Gaara's eyes narrowed as sand flew out of his gourd and encircled the blonde's neck. Naruto didn't as much as flinch.

"NARUTO!!!" Sakura screamed. Naruto arched an eyebrow.

"That's an interesting trick there, mister tanuki. Though I wonder… do you have what it takes? Can you honestly kill someone who does not fear you? Can you kill someone who does not fear death?" Gaara blinked, confused. "You've never met someone who's never feared death. Well, I can assure you, mister tanuki; there are quite a few people in this village who neither fear you, nor your bloody sand. Can mother explain THAT bit of information away?" Naruto felt a bit of Kyuubi's aura manifest. _'Thanks for the nice theatrics, fuzz-butt. Adds to the effect.' _"WELL? Can you explain me away, MOTHER?" Gaara fell to the ground, clutching his head, on the verge of screaming. Kankuro and Temari were nearly ready to crawl up the tree Gaara was just hanging from in terror.

"M-mother…" Gaara whimpered. "I-I'm sorry… I'll give you lots of blood…" Sakura and the academy students were screaming at Naruto to 'get the hell out of there, you dumbass!! He's going to kill you!!' Naruto merely stood there, staring Gaara down.

"You are nothing, tanuki." he said as if it was a pet name, but Temari and Kankuro realized, with sudden, horrifying certainty, that he was talking to someone completely different. Someone far more powerful… and terrifying. "You won't get away with anything as long as you are in Konoha. We're not as weak-spied as Suna. You pull anything here, and we WILL have our revenge. We're watching you."

"Mother…" Gaara whimpered. "Mother… she… she wants your BLOOD!!!" the gourd on his back disintegrated as his entire stock rushed at Naruto. Naruto was stony faced. The sand rushed forward… before swerving off towards Sakura. The Kyuubi Jinchuuriki's eyes shot open.

'_What!? Shit!! Sakura!!!' _he leaped towards Sakura, but the sand was too fast…

"That's enough." Said an unfamiliar voice. Gaara suddenly found himself with a kunai at his neck. Naruto, when he found the sand no longer moving, dropped into a roll and came up standing. "Don't be so hasty, young one. Don't be so quick to kill." Naruto jerked back, surprised by their surprise savior.

The man was dark. That was the first thing that Naruto thought. His skin was darker than any other person that he had other met. His hair was pure white, almost as if the skin had sucked all the color out of the strands. His one visible eye was a deep green, with the other covered by a comb over. Naruto, however, was paying attention not to him, but what was attached to him.

'_HOLY SHIT!!! That's a big-ass fuckin' sword!!'_

The sword was easily bigger than anything he'd ever seen, even bigger than the swords of Zabuza or Kisame. While it was wrapped up in white bandages, not unlike Samehada, Naruto could easily tell that it was almost twice as wide as he was and easily eight feet tall. Yet the mystery Jounin (nobody short of a Jounin could even LIFT such a monstrous sword, Naruto was sure of it!) walked around like he was completely unburdened. He didn't see a headband, but he was facing away from him, so that probably didn't help. Gaara was frozen stiff.

"Don't be so hasty." The man repeated. "If you wish to kill, and then save it for the exam. After all… you can fight to your heart's content there." He pulled the kunai away from his neck, and the sand rushed back to reform his gourd. "Good. I don't want to see any more outbursts from you." He straightened, and then Naruto saw the mist headband wrapped around his forearm.

'_Mist! But I've never seen any mist ninja here before! I'd recognize that sword instantly in ANY life!! Why the hell is a new village here now?' _Naruto didn't even notice when Sasuke appeared by his shoulder and tried to make himself look all bad ass.

"You… what's your name?" Sasuke asked. Temari grew a faint blush.

"M-me?" Naruto spotted the action and swore. Loudly.

"Kami dammit, Sasuke!! You've got another one!!"

"Another one of what?" Naruto pointed at Temari's blush. Sasuke paled. "Oh, Kami-damn. They've evolved from regular fangirls to ninja fangirls…" he whispered so that only Naruto could hear. Naruto instantly got an idea and discreetly formed the Kage Bunshin seal behind his back. The single clone appeared behind him silently and quietly snuck off around the corner, the devious plan already in its mind.

"You're on your own, man. I'm not helping you out of this one." Naruto hissed back.

"I believe you asked these ninja a question?" Said the mist Jounin. Sasuke whipped back up and pointed at Gaara.

"You… what's your name?" he repeated.

"Mother doesn't care about you." Was all Gaara said. Sasuke blinked. He wasn't used to such blunt dismissals. "You… blonde. Mother wants your blood." Naruto smirked.

"Well then, Gaara of the desert." The sand siblings collectively stiffened at the name. "Tell your mother that she and her sand will have to wait until the Chuunin exams start. Uzumaki Naruto is no pushover." The two stared at each other, before Gaara turned away.

"Temari. Kankuro. We're leaving." The two stiffened before quickly following after their younger brother. The mist Jounin chuckled darkly.

"Well, well. Such power… such potential at so young of an age. I look forward to watching your battles, young ones." He started to make a seal, but Naruto cut him off.

"It'd be rude if you saved us and didn't even give us your name." the mist Jounin chuckled.

"Mm-hm-hm. such arrogance. Yes, I greatly look forward to your match. My name is Ginko. Jounin of Mizugakure. Remember it." And with that, he was gone in a flash. Sakura stared at the empty space.

Naruto grinned. "Ginko, eh? Sounds like a badass. Can't wait to see what kind of hellions he's entered in the Chuunin exam." He quickly made a chopping motion behind his back. From around the corner, came a single pre-adolescent girl.

"KYAAAAA!!! SASUKE-KUN!!!" Sasuke didn't even whirl about. He just was there one moment, halfway up the street the next. "SASUKE-KUN IS BACK!!! KYAAAA!!!"

It was as if it was a siren call. Loud shrieks of "SASUKE-KUUUUUN!!!" echoed up and down the streets as fangirls popped out of the woodwork, running down the streets. Moegi was even among the crowd, with Udon trying to quickly pin her down and keep her from making a fool out of herself. Sakura looked on, wide-eyed, before hardening.

"YOU BITCHES KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY SASUKE-KUN!!!!" she roared as she tore down the streets, fist cocked. Naruto was just laughing his ass off, rolling on the ground uncontrollably. The fangirl that started it all was also laughing uproariously, walking towards the blonde.

"BWAHAHAHAHA that was awesome, boss!!" she laughed, before her distinctly Naruko-like features came into view.

"HAHAHAHAHA oh, that never gets old!!" Naruto laughed, before dispelling the clone. "I should've done that while everybody was still here!! That would've chopped his bad-assery into nothing!!" he slowly stood, still chuckling. "This, Konohamaru, is why you start dating early. Fangirls fear nothing except an irate girlfriend, and given your grandpa's status in life, I have a feeling you'll be beating them off with a stick in a few years." Konohamaru was staring after the retreating Uchiha.

"And here I was thinking he was worse ass than you… guess you can't judge a book by its cover." Naruto grinned.

"Right in one See ya, Kono!" the boy smiled and ran off, his scarf flapping in the wind.

"See ya, Naru-" he froze. "Huh?" Naruto stopped walking away.

"Huh? What is it, Kono?" Konohamaru cupped his ear.

"Do you hear that, boss?" Naruto blinked.

"Hush…" he cupped his ear. Now that he thought about it, there was a muffled noise. Sounded like someone grunting. Naruto's eyes widened. "Someone's getting attacked!!" he whipped out a kunai. "Kono, can you figure out where it's coming from?" Konohamaru thought a minute, before pointing at a nearby hotel.

"In there!" the two tore off. "Up in one of the top rooms!" Naruto swore.

"Dammit, we can't go through the hotel! Who knows what kinds of baddies are left over in there! Kono, get on my shoulders!!" once the boy was safe and secure, he shot up the wall, listening for the sound.

"There! In that room!!" Kono pointed at a window they had just passed. Naruto whirled around and looked in.

"Scope out the room, find a point to attack at, and-" and then his eyes caught up with his brain. "Buh… buh-buh… buh-buh-buh… whu…"

"Naruto… that doesn't look like a mugging to me." Konohamaru stated redundantly. Naruto's brain, however, had shut down. He had no illusions about what was going on underneath the thin bed sheet. Or who was underneath the sheet. He'd recognize that spandex anywhere, and that trench coat looked suspiciously familiar.

"I have seen what should not have been seen, I cannot unsee what has been seen, I have seen what should not have been seen, I cannot unsee what has been seen, I have seen what should not have-" and then a thought struck the blonde. "But… Wait a minute. Fuzzy-sensei's celibate!! He believes in marriage before getting laid and all that stuff!! So what the hell's he-"

"**GLITCH!" **an unspeakably loud voice screamed out over Konoha. He had no doubt that whoever owned the voice, the entire fire country heard them. The world went black…

* * *

Susanoo furious typed on the console his hand blurring across as he struck the enter key with a flourish. **"There that's how its done. Glitch found and killed i****n all non plausible universes. ****Damn I'm so awesome I don't even have to respawn him."** He smirked only to punched in the face out of the chair by Rasu.

**"Next time write shit like that into the cheat sheet could you imagine if those two procreated I mean youthful sadists for dad's sake." **Rasu took her seat typing in a few commnads.

* * *

"Huh?" Naruto cracked his eyes open. "What?" he sat up. "What the hell am I doing on the ground?"

"Ugh…" Konohamaru groaned. "Oh, my head…" Naruto turned to look at him.

"Kono? What are you doing here? I thought you left with your team!"

"Naruto? The heck?" Naruto scratched his head.

"What were we doing just now?" Konohamaru shrugged.

"I can't remember… can you?"

"Nope." Naruto shrugged. "Oh, well. See you, Kon-"

"YOOOOOOOOSH!!! DYNAMIC ENTRY!!!!" Gai screamed as he punted Naruto in the head… before Naruto poofed into a log.

"Jeez, fuzzy-sensei! Give me a little warning next time!" Naruto whined. "That would've damn near taken off my head!!" Gai screeched to a halt, striking his nice guy pose.

Hahahaha!!! No, one of my adorable little students would never be caught off guard by something like that, and you are no exception!!" Naruto grumbled something unintelligible under his breath about crazy-ass teachers. "But no matter! Naruto-kun, how is your practice of falcon leg coming along?"

"It's coming along fine, I guess… still wish you'd teach me that one style that you and fuzzy-brows use. That thing looks kick-ass…" Gai shook his head.

"No, Naruto-kun. The strong fist style is a secret between lee and I alone. Would you like it if I gave away your treasured techniques that you worked so hard to master?" Naruto thought on that a bit.

'_You know, come to think of it, he's got a point. If ero-sennin gave away my Rasengan to whatever shmoe that asked for it, I'd be pissed as all hell.' _He shrugged. "I think I'd be pissed." Gai nodded.

"That is why strong fist is a secret between just us two." He struck a pose. "But no matter!! We must now train to stoke our youthful flames into a roaring fire!! One-hundred laps around Konoha!!!" Naruto pumped his fist.

"YOSH!!! LET'S GO!!!" and he charged off. _'Did I really just say that…? Damn, they're rubbing off on me too much…'_

* * *

'Pant… pants…' "Good Kami above… I can barely walk…" Naruto groaned as he stumbled into his apartment. "My legs… feel like they're… about to fall off…" he flopped down onto his bed. "And dear Kami, I stink." His stomach rumbled up at him accusingly. "Okay, then… shower, new jumpsuit, then Ichiraku!" and he did just that.

* * *

Naruto flopped down onto his stool, grinning. "Oi, old man," Get me two of everything, stat! I've worked up one hell of an appetite!!"

"I was wondering when you'd show! Thought we'd have to stay open late to make up the money!" Teuchi laughed. "I'll get right on that!" Naruto laughed softly as he leaned back on his chair. Only then did he notice the bright pink hair next to him.

"Whoa! Hey, Sakura! What a surprise! I didn't know you ate Ichiraku's!" Naruto grinned. "Hey, by the way, love the new outfit, real nice!" the person turned around, and Naruto gagged on his spit.

"I'm sorry. Were you talking to me?" the woman asked, smiling benignly. Naruto's eyes widened.

'_HOLY SHIT since when did Sakura have a big sister!?' _and indeed, with a little tweaking here and there, she could easily have been a relative. True, she was much taller than the pre-teen, her cheekbones were higher, her face was more heart-shaped and her eyes were a sterling gray color, but other than that, she was a dead ringer. Naruto's gaze wandered lower and gulped loudly at the low V-neck shirt. He had forgotten something…

"**BOOBS!" **Kyuubi howled joyfully. **"Sweater melons, fun-bags, Kami's gift to men!!! Oh, yes!! We've got a replacement for the pink banshee that's ACTUALLY SEXY!! Oh, I am not forsaken yet!!" **

'_Uh… you forgot her forehead.' _Naruto pointed out. Kyuubi's proverbial gaze wandered upward (regretfully) and settled on the mist emblem.

"**Oh. Different village Dammit, and here I thought I was golden. Still!! She's got junk in the trunk!! Put some moves on her!! I wanna get laid, dammit!!" **Naruto tuned out the fox's angry mutterings and sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.

"Heheh… uh, sorry about that; you look a lot like somebody I know from behind." Kyuubi snickered maliciously. _'Oh, shut the fuck up, you!'_

"**What Did I say anything?!"**

'_You were thinking it.' _The woman giggled. "Hey! What's so funny?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't laughing at you." She smiled kindly, and Naruto felt himself grow very hot under the collar. "I'm Kagero Nakamura. What is your name?"

"N-Naruto Uzumaki." He stuttered. _'Damnit, Kyuubi, What the hell are you doing to me!?'_

"**I'm doing diddly-shit! This one's all you, flesh-bag!" **

'_Like I believe THAT crock of shit for a second!!' _he refocused on Kagero, who was smiling.

"Naruto Uzumaki… what a beautiful name." Naruto's face lit up.

"R-r-really now?" he gulped. She nodded. A loud slurping and crunching noise finally broke Naruto out of the reverie.

"Kami dammit, Kagero!" 'Slurp' "do you have to," 'slurp' "flirt with every" 'crunch crunch' "guy you meet?" 'CRUNCH!' "What is he, twelve?" a deep, gravelly voice asked. Naruto blinked and peeked over the pinkette's shoulder as Kyuubi turned pale.

"**Flirt with every… guy… oh, does not want." **

'_Huh? Why'd you change your mind? She's… kind of cute, I guess…' _Naruto asked as he took in the man greedily slurping down a bowl of ramen.

He was a mountain of a man. Naruto placed him at about six feet tall, and easily just as wide. He had dark skin, though not as dark as Ginko, who Naruto assumed was his sensei. He was also completely bald, which Naruto found odd. _'Maybe he shaves his head…'_

"**Yeah she's hot, but she's a freakin' slut!!" **Kyuubi shouted. **"I ain't going anywhere near any suck-for-a-buck women! Who knows where they've been and what they've picked up along the way!?" **and just like that, Naruto's attraction to her vanished. Kagero whirled around on the big man.

"Shut the hell up, Arashi!! So what if he's twelve!? They get cute at that age!!" Naruto's eyes widened.

"**And, she's a shotacon as well. This just keeps getting better and better." **Kyuubi drawled sarcastically. **"Just watch the headlines roll! 'Perverted slut-ninja molesting little boys! Gets gang-raped in prison cell, gives everybody herpes!' no thank you! I like my junk without little bumps!!"**

'_You might have a point on the shotacon thing. I don't plan on dating people who go after little boys. There's just something wrong with that. And I like my dick without bumps too.'_

"**Finally, we agree on something! While we're at it, no red-lighting for you! Those women are nasty little mofos, and I get all my women for fre-"**

'_Yeah, REALLY don't want to know your sex life.' _

"Oi, skinny!" the mountain shouted, breaking him out of the conversation. "You a local?" Naruto flicked his headband.

"Isn't it obvious?" the mist ninja grunted.

"My compliment to the chef, this place is pretty damn good." Naruto grinned.

"Hell yeah, Ichiraiku's makes the best damn ramen in the world!" the man snorted.

"The best? I doubt it. They're good, but not that good. Watanuki ramen, back up in Mizu, though… that place is the best by far." Naruto's eyes hardened.

"Bastard is there something wrong with your tongue?" Teuchi placed Naruto's order on the counter and backed away, so as not to lose a finger in the deluge. "Who the hell do you think you are, insulting Ichiraku's?" The fat man glared.

"I'm Arashi Kuroyama, bitch. Now show respect to your elders before I decide to eat you along with this bland ramen!!" Naruto growled as he scooped up the contents of his bowl in one gulp. He slapped the now-empty bowl onto the counter, glaring at the ninja.

"You wanna fight?" he growled in a low voice. Arashi cracked his knuckles.

"Bring it on, skinny." he brought his ham-like fist back…

Only for a loud clapping noise to ring out as Ginko caught the fist. All three ninjas at the stand were shocked at his sudden appearance. "S-sensei!!" Arashi yelped.

"Arashi-kun, why must you let your temper get the best of you so easily?" Ginko inquired, putting the slightest bit of pressure on Arashi's arm. "I hope you realize assaulting a citizen of Konoha during peacetime is a felony."

"A-aaaah… s-sensei…" Arashi groaned, Ginko clutching even tighter. Loud cracks were heard as his fingers were dislocated.

"Not only would you be arrested, Arashi-kun, but Kagero, Mitsuhide, and even I would be expelled from Konoha as well, ruining our chances in the Chuunin exams." Arashi convulsed wildly as the iron clamped down tighter still.

"S-sensei… it hurts…" he whimpered.

"This is your first and only warning, Arashi. Do not violate the laws again. We are here for Mizukage-sama, to prove to the world that Mizu is the proud nation it once was, despite the civil war." Arashi opened his mouth to scream in pain… before Ginko mercifully let go. The bald man's arm dropped to the ground, almost completely useless. "The weak Shinobi die first, Arashi. When you allow your emotions to rule over your reason, you become weak." He turned around to Naruto with a neutral expression on his face. "I am sorry we had to meet again like this, Naruto-san. I apologize for my student's actions. It will not happen again."

"I… uh…" Naruto was flabbergasted at what he had just seen. "Uh… apology… accepted?" at that, Ginko broke his terrible grimace and smiled. After the act of brutality he had witnessed, Naruto didn't know which was more terrifying.

"Good!" he straightened up out of his crouch. "Let us return to our hotel. We have to unpack before the exams begin." He cast a cursory glance at Arashi, who was cradling his arm to his side. "We had better fix that arm of yours, Arashi. Kagero!" the woman snapped to attention.

"Yes, sensei!" her voice didn't tremble. Naruto was impressed.

"Fix Arashi up it's time you began honing the yin of your profession." The pinkette nodded hesitantly and leaned over the bald man.

"Arashi, let me look at…" he pulled the limb away from her and instead glared hatefully at an opposing alley.

"Mitsuhide… you fucking bastard…" he growled. "You fucking teacher's pet…" Naruto blinked. _'Who's he talking to?'_

"You were being subjected to the plebeian's ruses. And falling quite easily, I might add." Said a new voice in a dull tone. Naruto let out a muffled yelp as a man melted out of the shadows. "I will not stake my career on your insufferable thirst for engaging in fisticuffs." The Jinchuuriki couldn't help but be confused about the newcomer; Both by his antiquated style of speech, and by his looks.

The man didn't look like any ninja that Naruto had ever seen. (And, coming from someone who wore an orange jumpsuit and trained with people who wore green spandex, which was saying something.) The man's appearance was strange, in the fact that he looked completely normal.

He had brown hair, looked to be about average height for a guy, and was thoroughly unimpressive. If not for the long white robes he was wearing (_'how the hell did he manage to hide in the shadows with those!?'_) and the six-foot katana strapped to his back, he would have doubted he had any combat training, ninja or otherwise. Even then, he didn't look like a ninja. Naruto had, in his experience with the video game, come to a conclusion: the stranger a ninja looked, the more powerful they were. This new guy looked NOTHING like a ninja.

'_He almost looks like a…' _Naruto's train of thought ground to a halt. _'No… no FUCKING way…' _Ginko glared at Arashi.

"You will respect Mitsuhide-kun, Arashi. As team leader, he has all the authority of I have when I am not around." He leaned down into the fat man's face. "Or do you wish to say those same words to me, as well?" Arashi froze, not daring to breathe. After what felt like an eternity, Ginko turned and walked out from the stand. "We're leaving." His voice brooked no argument, as the three Genin straightened and followed after their teacher.

Only after they were safely out of sight did Naruto feel like it was safe to breathe again. "Dear Kami…"

"You're telling us…" Teuchi mumbled from inside the kitchen. "I've never felt so terrified in my life. And I've dealt with ninjas for most of my career." Ayame set down a (sadly enough) already cool bowl of ramen, her hand trembling slightly. Naruto didn't even notice the temperature as he slurped it up absently.

'Kami_ above… somebody upstairs like using me for a fuck-toy. The Chuunin exams start tomorrow, and I've got to somehow deal with preventing a multi-village invasion, stopping the snake bastard from killing the old man, and now these people, who I have no clue in hell why they're here.' _He sighed. _'My life is going down the crapper.'_

* * *

Sorry about the short chapter people We were busy School is sadism and I think my girlfriend may be developing nymphomania its a blessing and a curse.

This is Majin Hentai X signing off. Good night and thank you for not supporting Yaoi.


	10. The Chunin Exams Part 1: The Floodgates

Welcome to chapter 10 loyal fans newcomers hell even you jerk ass flamers are welcome. I honestly thought I would never get this far and its all because of your support.

I do not own any published or copy written works. But I really want to make something new even if I only help to create it.

Normal speech "You make me sick every breath you take is an insult to what it means to be human." MHX's face contorted into a vicious snarl as a black aura flared around his right hand.

_Thoughts 'Yeah you son of a bitch get ready.'_ MHX's entire body tensed veins bulging pupils fading out as a white aura flared around his left hand.

**Greater being speaking or thinking "That technique it seems familiar. But I think this should be sufficient to stop you Majin-chan."** Status Quo extracts a beige Tommy gun from his waist coat.

Techniques Forbidden Arcane: Twilight Breaker MHX crashes his hands together with an explosion. A silver sphere the size of a golf ball launches forward. As Status Quo unleashes his bullets Majin raises a single hand snarling. The deadly projectiles were caught and crushed between MHX's fingers. Status Quo coughed out a black vapor wrapping around his form.

"**Today is the beginning of the end of your kind Majin-chan. After today no more perverts, no more sex, no more violence, no more chaos, never again will anyone dream or strive. Only clean simple order in the universe."** The stereotype screamed as the silver sphere struck his vapor.

* * *

The Chuunin Exams Part 1: The Floodgates Open Wide

* * *

**Game Saved! **The holographic version of Naruto chimed. He sighed as he slowly pushed open his apartment door, his elusive rest avoiding him. There was a feeling in his gut that he hadn't felt in a long time. He felt fear.

'But why am I afraid…?' Naruto wondered as he leaped across the skyline of Konoha. The moon was shining brightly, just a sliver away from a full circle. Naruto leaped across in that silvery light as he pondered the fear.

Was it the invasion? Any sane man would be downright terrified of two villages invading their home. Not only that, but NINJA villages. Chunin, Jounins, people on the level of Kakashi, (okay, maybe not that good, since the guy was potentially the Hokage in a few years, but still powerful!) and even Gaara, a Jinchuuriki, a demon incarnate, just like him, storming in by the hundreds, maybe thousands, all intent on destroying Konoha, his home. But no, Naruto decided, it wasn't that. He'd been there, done that, didn't even get a t-shirt to prove it. Konoha had made it through an invasion before relatively unscathed. (Naruto winced as he realized that losing the old man Hokage and having a good chunk of the village infrastructure destroyed, not to mention god knows how many lives lost was not exactly 'unscathed'.)

And that was before he even had the power of The Videogame on his side. The Videogame would make it impossible for him to die, so he could do this over and over until he found a way that worked, where the least amount of people would die. He would say until nobody dies, but after taking the life of one of the (admittedly, not yet realized) greatest traitors Konoha had ever seen as his first kill, he wasn't nearly so naïve anymore. So, no, the invasion didn't scare him.

Was it Orochimaru? The man was a monster, the reason that Naruto was in this whole mess of trying to save the village from invasion. He was the ringleader, the mastermind, the man behind the man. Not only was he a card-carrying villain, a deranged mass murderer intent on achieving immortality, and a man with a distinctly unhealthy obsession with snakes and little boys' bodies, (but Naruto didn't want to touch on that one for too long. That was something that was probably not too safe to dwell on.) But he was also one of the sannin. He was on the level of ero-sennin and the old hag. He that bastard is probably even stronger than that since it took both of them to take him down. (But that was a scary thought for his prospects, so he didn't want to dwell on that too long either.)

But, no, while the thought of Orochimaru unnerved him (Naruto honestly wanted to meet anybody who WASN'T unnerved by the snake-man. That guy was unnatural!), the sickly-looking man did not scare him. He knew that he probably should be, but he wasn't. When the chips were down and everything was stripped to the bone, he was just a man bent on immortality and everything that implies. Naruto already HAD immortality, thanks to The Videogame, although nobody would know it. He could do it over and over and over and over and over until he found out a way to defeat him. After all, everybody had a weakness somewhere. All it took was digging deep enough to find it. He had an entire village's worth of resources and manpower to help him learn how to combat the man. There would be something to defeat him. And best of all, Orochimaru didn't know he was coming for him, which gave him the element of surprise. He already had the death of one infamous Konoha traitor on his resume, so why not add another? So, no, he wasn't scared of Orochimaru.

Was it the new people, the team from mist? They were the odd men out, the variable that he hadn't expected, the variable he hadn't even known existed. He knew nothing about them. Why they were there, what they could do, not even whose side they were on in the upcoming fight, if they were on anybody's side at all. He didn't know what the heck he had done to get them appear, and it was driving him batty. And if they could appear without any rhyme or reason, then what prevented some of the other villages from coming in to crash the party, like Iwa or Kumo? Naruto would bet his bottom ryo that if they got involved in the upcoming tussle, they certainly wouldn't be on Konoha's side. The fact he couldn't predict anything like that was disheartening.

But then again, The Videogame took care of that as well! Naruto knew that because of all of his death-and-rebirth stints, he was gaining something of an analytical side. He probably learned more from dying and learning what went wrong, then learning how to do it right, than anything else he had learned. So what if he didn't know why they were here? He'd LEARN why they were here! The Videogame was instilling into him a deep belief in the power of chain-and-effect; a butterfly flapping in Iwa causing a tsunami in Wave and all that. If they turned out to be hostile, he'd figure out what the heck he did to get them to show up, and then he'd do whatever the hell it took NOT to do that! It'd probably take a crap load of rebirths, but it'd be worth it if it helped save the village. He would learn their styles, learn their weaknesses, and make sure they couldn't hurt anybody that he cared about. So, no, he wasn't scared of the team from mist.

So, then, why did this terror in the pit of his stomach not go away? Why was he so scared, if there wasn't anything causing it? Naruto rewound his thought process, and, with a startling jolt, realized the one thing they all had in common.

The Videogame. With a shudder, Naruto realized that it was his salvation that scared him, his ticket into immortality that caused the sinking feeling in his gut. Compared to the rest of the potential dangers to Konoha, he knew LESS than nothing about The Videogame. All he knew was his and the Kyuubi's own speculations, and those weren't worth the paper that he'd scribbled them down on in his apartment. He had no idea WHO put him in the Videogame, he had no idea WHY somebody put him in The Videogame, and he had no idea HOW somebody put him in The Videogame (the last one was the one that freaked him out the most. Who in the HELLFIRE would be powerful enough to make somebody's LIFE a frickin' VIDEOGAME!?). Another thought struck Naruto, one that chilled him to the bone.

In the admittedly few videogames that he knew about, there was always a set amount of lives that you were allotted, before it was game over for real. What was his number? He had no idea if this was true for him, and if it was, he had no idea how many lives he had left. For all he knew, this could be his last chance to live, that he wouldn't get another shot after this. Naruto had brushed dangerously close to death twice: once with his first death, and once with the freakiness that Haku caused. (Come to think of it, he had no idea how he got out of that one. Hmm…) Naruto knew that the third time was ALWAYS the charm. He had come so close to actually dying he could taste it, and he was never going back again. Compared to his fear of lack of knowledge of the videogame, the invasion, Orochimaru and the team from mist paled in comparison. He actually considered not entering into the chunin exams, so terrified he was of it being his last chance.

'_Is this how Orochimaru feels?' _Naruto wondered. _'is this why he wants to live forever so badly?' _if he was this scared of death, him, who charged headlong into a fight with Orochimaru the sannin and a transforming Gaara, him, the fearless, knucklehead ninja, then he wondered how someone like the snake bastard felt. _'I sure as hell don't condone the shit that bastard's caused to try and live forever… but I can at least understand where he's coming from.'_

"**The hell? You're excusing the snake-faced bastard, you worthless meat sack!?" **kyuubi growled. Naruto nearly flew over the top of the Hokage mountain. A part of him wondered when the hell he had gotten there.

'_GAH!! Fuzz-butt!! How long have you been listening in!?'_

"**Long enough to be pissed off at you! Why the hell are you acting like some emo little shitstain!? You are the container of the most powerful demon in existence!! You are more than human!!! And you're moping around like some weak-ass Uchiha fuck!? This is unacceptable!!" **kyuubi shouted from inside his cage. Naruto sighed.

'_But… we don't know what's going to happen! We don't know if The Videogame is going to allow us another chance! If we die again, it could be our last-'_

"**THEN DON'T DIE AGAIN, YOU DUMB BASTARD!!!!!" **kyuubi roared. Naruto jerked his head up in shock at the volume ringing in his ears. **"I WILL NOT HAVE THE MEATSACK WITH THE MOST POWERFUL BEING IN EXISTENCE SEALED IN HIS GUT BE WORRIED ABOUT DEATH LIKE SOME WEAK-ASS HUMAN!!! YOU WILL ENTER YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE EXAM AND KICK SOME ASS!!!" **Naruto blinked… before grinning.

'_Hell yeah!! What the hell am I talking about!! I'm Naruto Uzumaki!!' _he pumped his fist in the air. _'So what if it's my last life!? I'll just not die!! I'll kick ass and take names!!'_

"**You will defeat that arrogant ass of a demon Shukaku, who dares to think that he can stand toe to toe with the almighty kyuubi!! You will rip the meat sack known as Orochimaru asunder, who thinks himself an equal to the king of all demon kind, and for daring the think he could kill me with his feeble minions!!!" **kyuubi howled, subtly pumping demon chakra through Naruto's system, more and more, faster and faster. Naruto's eyes gleamed red.

'_**Nobody will stand in my way!! Not Orochimaru, not Shukaku, not the mist team, not anybody!!! If they try to stop me, I'll just slaughter them all!!!' **_kyuubi leered at the brutal words. He pumped even more through Naruto, enough where it was straining against the seal. He went for the final blow.

"**And then you'll take that Hyuuga wench and plow her in front of the crowds, sowing my seed for a whole new legion of demons!!!" **

'_**The bitch is as good as knoc- **__wait, WHAT?!?!?' _and just like that, the demonic aura forming around Naruto was gone. Kyuubi could have screamed in frustration at his foiled attempt at escape. _'The hell are you trying to make me do, you damn fox!?!?'_

"**What, me? I didn't try to make you do anything! You were agreeing with me!!"**

'_BULLSHIT!! You were just pumping your chakra through me, I know it!!!' _Naruto was more pissed than he'd ever been. _'You goddamn fucking bastard!!! I give you an inch of freedom, give you company; I freely use your chakra!!! AND YOU TRY AND MAKE ME RAPE AN INNOCENT GIRL!?!?!?' _

"…**can't rape the willing… and she's not THAT innocent…" **kyuubi muttered under his breath.

'_What was that, you goddamn fox!?!?' _ Naruto shouted.

"**I said she's not that innocent!!" **kyuubi shouted, deciding it probably wasn't too good for his continued health if he mentioned the first bit. **"She's a freaking' Hyuuga! What the heck do you think they use their X-ray eyes FOR, huh? Why do you think that Neji bastard randomly activates his eyes around Tenten?" **Naruto choked on his spit.

"WHAT!?!?" he shouted out loud. _'I mean, what!? Neji does that!? And how do you know that!?'_

"**I'm a demon with more chakra in my left pinky nail than you have in your entire body. I have my ways of knowing every time any kind of chakra is used in Konoha, and to a lesser extent, where every chakra-using fleshbag is at any given time." **Kyuubi responded in a smug tone. **"I'm not completely positive that the Hyuuga fleshbag peeps on the stab-happy fleshbag with his freaky doujutsu, but I'm pretty damn sure. Now, tell me: when you're born into a family, with the inherent ability of X-ray vision, is there any possible way that you ARE innocent, in any way, shape or form?" **Naruto rocked back on his heels.

'_I… I never… I never thought about it like that…'_

"**Of course you didn't. That's why I'm the superior being." **Kyuubi blinked, before bellowing out hearty guffaws. **"HAHAHAHAHAH!!!"**

'_What's so funny?' _Naruto asked suspiciously.

"**bw…bwahahaha!! Oh, I just realized something!!" **Kyuubi grinned a lecherous grin. **"Why do you think that one of the only girls in your class that doesn't fangirl over the Uchiha fleshbag and wants to jump YOUR bones instead, also has X-RAY VISION!!? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" **the thought process escaped Naruto.

'_Huh? What does that me…? OH!!' _Naruto blinked once.

Twice.

Thrice.

"YES!!! HELL YES!!!" Naruto whooped aloud. HELL!! YES!!! HAHAHAHA!! Oh, everything is right with the world!! Fuzz-butt, you win everything forever!! HAHAHAH!!! That is the most AWESOME thing in the WORLD!!!" Kyuubi brushed his knuckles along an imaginary suit.

"**I try, gaki." **Naruto finally was able to stop rolling around in helpless laughter, and forced himself up.

'_You know what? I think that'll get you out of trouble for at least a week!' _Naruto snickered.

"**Awesome."**

'_But you know; now I'm wondering about something you said.' _Naruto scratched his head. _'You said you'd make me… do unpleasant things with Hinata.' _Kyuubi snickered at the euphemism. _'SHUT UP!! That's what you said!! You said that you'd… make her a mother of demons.'_ Naruto sounded extremely uncomfortable. _'Would that really happen if… if I took a wife?' _kyuubi sighed.

'**Sigh' "brat, I honestly have no idea. Nobody who's been a jinchuuriki in the past actually formed a family of their own; either they died too young to actually have time to do that, or they were hated too much for there to be any willing takers. I have no idea what would happen if you actually tried to knock a girl up. Maybe my chakra would make a demon baby; maybe it'd make all your little sailors brain dead. Maybe absolutely nothing would happen, and you'd get a regular kid, I honestly have no idea." **Naruto felt a weight descend upon his heart. **"This is really getting you down, huh?"**

'_Well…' _Naruto began. _'It's just that… I'm an orphan. I know that it's like to have nobody to watch over you, to hear no 'well done, son!' whenever you do something right. I know what it's like to have no mom's shoulder to cry into whenever you skin your knee, while she whispers meaningless babble to calm you down. I… I really want to have a big family. So… maybe that the family that I made would make up for the family that I never had.' _Kyuubi was silent. _'Does… does that make any sense?'_

"**Che! You're a sentimental little fleshbag. Never would have pegged you for a 'feelings' guy." **Kyuubi snorted derisively.

'_HEY!! What's wrong with being insightful once in a while!?'_

"**I won't have the fleshbag with me sealed in him be a wishy-washy intellectual!!! I want to be able to destroy!! To maim, to rend from limb to limb!!!"**

'_We're done talking.'_

* * *

It took exactly two days for Kakashi to get off his ass and tell team seven that he had entered them into the chunin exams. Naruto stood in front of the doors to the testing building the next day, Sasuke just barely getting there before him. "Where's Sakura?"

"Probably washing her hair or something. Let's go." Sasuke was obviously in a rush to get the show on the road. Naruto shook his head.

"Uh-uh. We wait for Sakura. We'd probably get pulled from the exam if we showed up missing a team member." Sasuke arched an eyebrow.

"And you figured this out, how?"

"Logic." Although it was really before-hand knowledge, but he didn't need to know that! "There's gonna be a crap load of ninja from all around the world here. They're all going to know different techniques, and they're all going to be immensely powerful."

"How does this relate to Sakura?"

"I'm not finished. Now, there's almost definitely going to be a few tests to weed out the people that were shoved in here before their time. One of these is probably going to be a trial by fire, in other words, a combat situation. The three-man team is going to be essential, and life-saving, when this happens. 'Cause no matter how powerful anybody is, we're still just genin, and we can definitely be mobbed and defeated by numbers. Having everybody be on three-man teams is the only way that the tests can relatively level the playing field for everybody." Sasuke looked thoughtful.

"I never thought about it like that… but, then, why did Kakashi tell us that it was voluntary?" Naruto waved this away.

"To see if there was a weak link in the team. Being a ninja is serious business, and a lot of the jobs we get could get us killed. If there's someone on our team that can't even handle a controlled environment test, then they're definitely not going to jump up the totem pole.' Naruto smiled as Sakura rounded the corner. "But we're not weak like that! Team seven is here to kick ass and take names! Right, sakura?" sakura gave a start, before nodding decisively.

"Right!!" Naruto waved them forward, and they entered the building. While walking, Naruto began to brief them.

"Alright guys, now here's the deal. There's gonna be a lot of genin here, and this thing is just gonna be a massive dick-swinging contest." Sakura looked fairly repulsed at the metaphor. "Because of this, there's gonna be a lot of chumps with something to prove, and a hairline trip-switch to beating the crap out of someone. We're a hell of a lot stronger than any of those types of morons, but fighting before the tests could get us canned before the big man even says go. So, for right now, until the crowd thins out and the idiots are weeded down, shut up, keep your head down, and do as I say. We might just get through to the finals that way." Sasuke snorted.

"Who died and made you leader?" Naruto gave him a wry look.

"I'm the one who took down Kakashi-sensei single-handedly. You want to fight me for right to be team leader, you go right ahead." Sasuke didn't have an answer to that. Sakura, on the other hand…

"BAKA!!! Don't talk to Sasuke-kun like that!!" WHAM!!

"OWW!! Crazy bitch!!" Naruto was nursing a bruise when they came up on the first obstacle. Lee was getting his green spandex-clad ass handed to him by the two genin. Or were they chunin? Naruto remembered something about two much-older versions of them on guard duty when ero-sennin and he left for the old hag. It didn't matter anyway. It was a dupe, so they could just leave lee and company and go. Lee was strong; he could handle a light-hearted beating.

That's when he noticed a lack of people by his side. Naruto's eyes widened. _'Oh, FUCK NO!!!'_

"Get out of the way. You're blocking the halls." Sasuke began, the arrogance on his voice almost dripping onto the floor. _'Haven't heard that in a while… Metsuki's been a good influence on him.' _Naruto mused idly. "And you'll remove the genjutsu on the door while you're at it." Naruto groaned aloud. "You noticed it too, right, Sakura? Your genjutsu is the best on the team." Sakura nodded.

"Of course! This is still the second floor!" Naruto could've strangled the two of them. The sign blurred, and what was formerly 301 was now 201.

"Nice going… but all you did was SEE THROUGH IT!!" the genin-chunin swung at Sasuke as the Uchiha began a kick. Rock lee was between both of them, catching the blows. Everybody but Naruto and team Gai was stunned at the turn of events.

"Smooth move, Casanova!!" Naruto shouted, smacking Sasuke upside the head. The blow, along with being unbalanced by lee's catch, sent him tumbling to his butt. "What did I just say not two seconds ago? And then you ruin the first test to weed out the morons fooled by this! Level one of the home field advantages, why don't ya? Great going, really. The genius of the Uchiha never ceases to amaze me!" Naruto pulled Tenten to her feet, having been smacked around by the chunin-genin. "You alright?"

"I'm fine. Thanks, Naruto." She nodded. Naruto turned and curtly nodded to Neji. The Hyuuga returned the gesture, a paragon of politeness. He then grinned and turned to lee. "You dumbass! Weren't you three going to go incognito for this?" lee blushed and rubbed his head.

"Ah… yes. I'm sorry, Naruto-kun… but…" he turned to Sakura. Naruto's eyes widened and clapped a hand on lee's shoulder, leaning in to his ear.

"Don't do it, lee! Think with your brain, not with your balls! She's seriously hung up on Sasuke, and she'd not give up any time soon! Trust me, I've tried!" lee hung his head in shame.

Yes, Naruto-kun… I know you've said this many times during our spars, but now that I see her in person…" Naruto chuckled.

"Yeah… she is quite the pretty face. She's really violent, though. Nothing we manly men can't handle, of course, but it pisses you off like nobody's business, and that'd put a damper on any relationship." Lee pulled away and nodded.

"I understand, Naruto-kun." He walked up to Sakura and bowed. "So, you are Sakura-san? Naruto-kun has talked about you quite a lot. It is very nice to meet you!" and with that, he turned away, team Gai following behind him. Sakura turned to Naruto, the question in her eyes.

"How do you know him?" Naruto grinned sheepishly, massaging the back of his head.

"Ah, well, we train together quite a bit. He's a real good ninja. You'd get your ass kicked if you tried to fight him as you are now." Sasuke bristled at the insult.

"Oh yeah? Says who?" he replied testily.

"Says me, the guy who's fought against both of you. I've gauged you two's skills, and frankly, he's got you beat. He's a year older than you, he's got a genius teacher that takes a heavy-handed role in his tutoring, and he's worked himself to the bone making himself better. You're younger then he is, we all know what Kakashi's work ethic is, and you've been skating by so far with your Uchiha 'genius'. There's no contest." Naruto cracked his neck. "Let's get to the exam." Sasuke and Sakura followed, fuming.

"You! With the dark eyes." Lee called out from an overhanging ledge. Naruto absently glanced upwards as the other two members of team seven jerked up. "Will you fight me right here?" he asked, staring intensely at Sasuke. Naruto could've rolled his eyes.

'_Some things never change…' _

"A fight? Right here?" Sasuke inquired, nearly twitching with excitement. Lee vaulted over the balcony onto the wood floor.

"Yes. My name is rock lee." He smirked just the tiniest bit. "When you want something from someone, it is best to introduce yourself first, correct?" Sasuke nodded.

"Uchiha Sasuke… Naruto's been waxing lyrical about your skills." Lee smiled at Naruto, who nodded silently.

"I have heard much about you as well. I want to test myself against the supposed genius of the Uchiha clan. Plus…" his eyes twitched to Sakura, before shaking himself free. "No, that will come later. First, the fight!"

"You sure you want to do this, lee?" Naruto asked. "He's just a fresh genin, and Kakashi hasn't exactly been proactive with training. If it weren't for you and Gai-sensei, I'd be worse than him." Rock lee's thick eyebrows arched the tiniest bit.

"Really now? That is most unyouthful behavior on behalf of Kakashi-san. Nevertheless, I want to fight him." He settled into a fighting stance. "I will say this right now, Sasuke Uchiha. You cannot defeat me, for I am the strongest leaf genin here." Sasuke smirked.

"Sounds fun. I'll do it." Naruto rolled his eyes.

'_Of course he accepts the challenge. He needs to mend his bruised ego from my teardown, and why not beat the crap out of the comparison?'_ Sasuke charged, and lee blurred away. Naruto watched impassively as Sasuke summarily got kicked right across the room.

"Sasuke-kun!!" Sakura screamed. Naruto held out a hand.

"Stay out of this. He started this fight on his own, and he'll end this on his own." Sasuke worked his way back off the ground, smiling. Naruto's eyes narrowed. _'Hell no… he isn't going to…' _Sasuke blinked, and then his eyes were the red of the sharingan. _'Dammit!! That no-good, cheating bastard!! If he tries to copy lee's moves, I'll break every bone in his body!!' _Sasuke charged back in, confidence at an all time high…

Only to get a boot to the chin. Sasuke went flying; lee followed him like a second shadow. Sakura gasped. "But…!! The sharingan!!"

"Is not infallible." Naruto finished. "Sure, he can see when the enemy uses ninjutsu or genjutsu. But what if all the enemy uses is straight taijutsu? No tricks, no smoke and mirrors, just straight out martial arts. And even if they can see them, that doesn't mean that they'll be able to react in time." Naruto yawned. "No matter how much Konoha totes the sharingan as 'the ultimate doujutsu' it's not infallible. You just have to figure out where the weak point is." Naruto jumped for joy inwardly for sounding so goddamn badass saying that. _'Practicing sounding cool in the mirror DOES help!! Awesome!!!' _lee flicked out his bandage wrappings… and Naruto caught them. With a swift move, Naruto yanked lee out of the sky and into the ground.

"GWAH!!" lee cried out as he slammed into the wood. Naruto turned to the doorway and bowed.

"Good morning, summon-san." He said to the turtle who nobody noticed was there until now. Lee stiffened and leaped to his feet.

"That's enough, lee!!" the turtle shouted.

"So you were watching…" lee hung his head.

"Lee!! You know what it is forbidden to use that technique!!" the turtle shouted. Naruto stepped forward.

"With all respect, summon-san, I was perfectly prepared to step in when things got out of control, like you just saw. I would have stopped him before he could reveal anything other than the absolute basics." The turtle nodded.

"And I thank you for that, Naruto, but that does not excuse lee from beginning the technique in the first place!! Lee!!" Barked the summon as it turned to the pupil. "Are you prepared to face your consequences?" lee nodded hesitantly. "Good! Then here comes Gai-sensei!!"

"Cover your eyes, you two!! The first sight may blind if not properly protected!!!" Naruto called back to Sakura and Sasuke. A smoke bomb went off on top of the turtle, and Gai appeared out of the smoke just as Sakura and Sasuke covered their eyes.

"YOOOOSH!! You guys are the epitome of youthfulness!!" he cried out, striking a pose. Sasuke gave a start. Sakura dropped her hands in shock. Both got an eyeful of Maito Gai in a fit of youthfulness.

"ACK!! THOSE EYEBROWS!!!" Sakura screamed. Naruto sent a caustic glance at her.

"Don't judge people by their looks. Just because he's never heard of tweezers doesn't mean you get to shout it to the world." Naruto bowed to the man riding the turtle. "Hello, Gai-sensei. Before you say anything, remember that I was here, and I stopped it before it got out of hand." Gai stabbed a thumbs up at him.

"Yosh!! Thank you, Naruto-san!! Your work is appreciated!! Nevertheless… LEE!!!" lee snapped to attention.

"Yes, Gai-sensei!!" Gai's fist sent him rocketing to the ground.

"YOU IDIOT!!!!" he shouted to the rooftops. Sakura and Sasuke gaped in astonishment. Naruto just yawned.

"g-Gai-sensei…" lee stuttered, tears rolling down his face. Gai clapped him on both of his shoulders, also crying.

"That's alright, lee. You don't need to say it…" and they embraced in a manly hug. Naruto turned to Sakura and Sasuke.

"I suggest you cover your eyes now, AND DO NOT PEEK THIS TIME." They snapped their hands up as the sunset-of-hell genjutsu appeared.

"You are in the springtime of your youth… and youthfulness and mistakes go hand in hand…" Gai declared, standing once again. "But you did start a fight, would have broken one of the rules had Naruto not been here to stop you." The sunset faded away.

"It's safe to look now." Naruto called to the rest of his team.

"That's a matter of perspective…" Sakura grumbled as her hand drifted away.

"As punishment, you shall do five-hundred laps around the practice range!!" Gai cheered.

"YES, Gai-sensei!!!" Lee cheered. With that done, Gai turned to the other three Genin in the room. Sakura gagged.

"So, you three! How's Kakashi doing?" he asked. Sasuke blinked.

"You know Kakashi-sensei?" Gai chuckled.

"Know him? He…" Sasuke stared, waiting for an answer… and then suddenly, he was gone. Within the blink of an eye, he wasn't there anym- _'HOLY CRAP HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!' _Sasuke freaked.

"People refer to us as, eternal rivals!" he chuckled. "Fifty wins, forty-nine losses… the record shows that I'm stronger than Kakashi." Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Gai-sensei, can I clarify something?" he asked. Gai nodded. "How many of those win were at rock-paper-scissors?"

"SEVEN!!" he pumped his fist into the air. Naruto glanced over to Sasuke and Sakura with a look that clearly said 'see? Take it with a grain of salt.'

"That's all I needed to know." Gai nodded, before patting Lee on the top of his head.

"Good luck, Lee." And with that, he disappeared. Lee began to slowly wrap his bandages up again.

"Sasuke-kun. I will say one more thing, before I leave. The truth is I came here to test my abilities. I lied before. The strongest leaf Genin of this generation is not me, and is most likely on my team. "I've entered this test to defeat him. But that doesn't mean you're not one of my targets, either. Be prepared for the exam!!" and Lee leapt away. Sasuke trembled in place, nails digging into his skin. Naruto walked back towards him.

"I told you. You aren't nearly ready to fight someone on his level."

"Oh YEAH!? Are you are!?" Sasuke snapped. Naruto leveled a glare at him.

"More than likely, yes. But that doesn't mean that I overestimate my skills. There's always somebody stronger than you in the world. Never forget that." And he turned away. "c'mon, let's go. We've gotta get to the exams." The two reluctantly followed. _'Man, when did I become the voice of reason on this team? This goes against just about every law of nature there is!!'_

"**You probably have to be. This exam seems to bring out the worst in the Uchiha shit-stain, and the pink banshee sure as hell isn't going to go against his ideas. You're the only one that'll keep him grounded."**

'_That sounded just a little gay, just now.'_

"**Yeah… didn't mean it like that."**

* * *

"WH… what's this?" Sakura gasped at the rows upon rows of Chuunin hopefuls. All glaring at the newcomers.

"This, dear Sakura, is the Chuunin exam." Naruto said with a dramatic flair. "The best of the best of the best genin from around the world, all against you, all wanting to rip your heart out and feed it to you. Out of the possible hundreds of teams, only a handful will even get to the final round, and even if you won, you still might not win the rank. This, dear Sakura, is what we are up against. The world." _'DAMN THAT SOUNDED BADASS!!! I need to write that down somewhere!!!' _the sobering effect of Naruto's speech was ruined with a squeal and a GLOMP!

"Sasuke-kun!! You're late!!" Ino squealed, latched onto the back of the Uchiha. "I haven't seen you in so long!! I've been so excited to see you!!"

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY MAN, INO-PIG!!" Sakura shouted. Ino looked up.

"Why, if it isn't Sakura. Still have that big ugly forehead, I see." Naruto rolled his eyes.

'_Not getting involved. Nope, not a chance.' _

"You guys are taking the exam too? Hope you don't die…"

* * *

And now, a word from the beta-reader/co-writer:

Hey, y'all! (Did I really just say that?) The Animaniac dude here! Quite a few of you have voiced some concerns about where this story is going. I figure I'd answer these now, since MHX is catering to his main squeeze. The lady's the demanding type… make of that what you will. (MHX walks by carrying 100 shopping bags) oh, damn… there goes the sex innuendo. Black Friday was not good to you, my friend. Alright, back on topic!

First off, the OCs. A LOT of you have commented on them, and not all of them were approving. I will say this right now: THEY ARE NOT GOD MODE MARY SUES. I cannot stress this enough. I despise these freaks of nature, and I sure as hell wouldn't let anything I'm helping to write have them… not intentionally at least. We had a plot idea that would be awesome sauce, (lol. Funny word.) But in order to pull it off, we needed a team from mist. Therefore, we made up some OCs, tried to give them personalities, (they haven't been around yet long enough for us to see if that's worked yet.) and tried to think of skills for them to have without god-modding them. With the possible exception of Ginko, because we both think that guy's a badass, and even then we give a reason for the power. But I digress! After a certain point in the story, they'll probably drop off the map until much later. We'll err on the side of not giving them enough screen time, as opposed to too much screen time and make them into a spotlight-stealing squad… not that canon has any of those. *cough*hawkandsasuke*cough* so… yeah! Somebody suggested creating a profile for each of the OCs, and I think that's actually a good idea! We'll work out the technical details of that, and have those up sometime in the future for all the OCs we currently have going. If we make any more OCs, well, we'll burn that bridge when we cross it.

New avatars: how many times have we said it? IT WILL HAPPEN AFTER THE SASUKE RETRIEVAL ARC!!! I honestly hope we don't have to say this over and over every chapter, because it's getting pretty annoying. We WILL change avatars then, and not a moment before. We've got to create some plot twists before we're able to create his mindset for changing avatars.

About the non-videogame-ness: everybody, repeat after me: SASUKE. RETRIEVAL. ARC. This is the time that all the good stuff happens. We'll throw in some other videogame-related goodies before then, but the Sasuke retrieval arc is when the magic happens. Compare it to Lost Soul by LD 1449, if any of you have read that. Remember the beginning of it? How it was pretty much the standard weaponized-Naruto-tries-to-find-his-soul-and-interact-with-people story? And then… WHAM!! Shocking swerve! You understand what I'm saying? Get it? Got it? Good!

About Kyuubi: some of you have said it's disconcerting to see Kyuubi acting 'like a frat boy horn dog'. I have two words for you: OBFUSCATING. STUPIDITY. You guys know Vash? From Trigun? He is the KING of obfuscating stupidity. And we all know what Vash is like. Remember: before absolutely anything else, kyuubi is a conniving demon, whose first and foremost concern right now is breaking out of the prison in Naruto's belly button. He will act however he needs to act in order to get Naruto's guard down, and then go for the kill, as demonstrated by the beginning of the chapter. That is all. Dismissed, soldier!!

I THINK that's all… MHX, do you have anything to say?

Now as I recover from combination bite burn stab wounds from the black Friday. I continue to write the next chapter some of you may ask why this one was so short. Well while researching for this chapter I reread the manga did you know it took six chapters for Masashi to get from where chapter nine ended to where this chapter ends. Now I'm pulling out all of the stops I will work through Christmas to get back on Schedule The next chapter will be longer and even better I need to fill in these holes in the story I'm going as fast as possible without tripping over myself. Also there will be more videogame in the next chapter I need time to character develop The plot will thicken in five dimension I will blow your minds with the next few chapters. The first exam and the Forest of Death are set for chapter eleven stay tuned my fans I won't let you down.

Two last items to mention **if anyone says I am copying Prefect Lionheart during the chunin exams I will eat your head and condemn you to Super Jail. Finally have a happy holiday from your mentally disturbed friend MHX.**

Well said, MHX! Well, that's it! Read, review and all that jazz! The power of anime compels you!


	11. The Chunin Exams Part 2: FOD

Welcome to Chapter 11 everyone.

**Important note: Kyuubi's speech will be in normal speech instead off thought form from now on..**

My usual introduction is canceled due to lack of inspiration and is it really even necessary anymore.

But in case any special interest lackeys are trawling the site I do not own anything except the OCs these are mine if you bastards steal them. Well I can't be held responsible for my actions when consumed with homicidal rage.

**

* * *

**The Chuunin Exams Part 2: The Written Exam and The Forest of Death

* * *

"Shikamaru! How you doing? How are the clouds?" Naruto called out to Shikamaru, who was leaning up against the wall. He nodded in response.

"I'm fine." Naruto nodded to Chouji, who was munching on his bag of chips right next to him. Naruto had the utmost respect for those two, being some of the dispatches with him on that god-forsaken mission for Sasuke.

'_I don't even know if they lived through it or not…' _Naruto mused, the thought dampening his good mood. He tuned out Ino and Sakura's bitch-fighting (a skill honed with years of experience) and scanned the room looking for anybody from sound. He almost instantly spotted the Genin team (they stood out like a sore thumb, even in this oddball motley of Genin weirdos!) huddled together, glaring daggers at everybody in the room. It took a bit more effort to find Kabuto, who was leaning up against a wall, flipping through those info cards of his. _'Gonna have to get rid of those somehow. Enemy like that, having that much info on everybody? Hell no.' _Naruto mused. He began to look for the big guns himself, but, with a start, realized that he had absolutely no idea which Genin was really Orochimaru in disguise.

'_Shit!! I'm going in blind against one of the most powerful ninjas in the world!!' _Naruto began to panic. He'd had a (admittedly, rather hastily thought out) plan to find who Orochimaru was and stab him in the back of the head before he knew it was coming, and damn the fallout. And now it was shot to hell. _'Shitshitshitshitshitshit!! What am I supposed to do now!? What the hell am I supposed to do now!?'_

"Yahoo!! Found you all!!" a voice shouted out. Naruto jerked his head up to stare at Kiba strutting forward, an arrogant, cocky smirk on his face. Hinata and Shino followed closely behind him, but being who they are, kept silent in the face of Kiba's boasting.

"Geez… you guys, too?" Shikamaru muttered. "Troublesome…"

"Well, well…" Kiba drawled. "Looks like the whole gang's here. All of the rookie Genin are taking the exam. I wonder how far each of us will get… eh, Sasuke-_kun_?" Sasuke smirked.

"Pfft… you seem confident, Kiba."

"We did a lot of training, of course I'm confident! We won't lose to you!!" Kiba bragged. Naruto felt a vein throb on his forehead. This guy was seriously starting to piss him off!

"Oh, it's not Sasuke you need to worry about, dog-breath." Naruto growled, cracking his knuckles intimidatingly. "It's me who'll be punching your number!!"

"What, you? You couldn't beat a fly, dead-last!!" Kiba scoffed. Hinata twiddled her fingers.

"Ah, um… Naruto-kun, Kiba didn't really mean that…" Naruto looked over at her, and nearly had a heart attack.

'_Good god above…' _Naruto stared in wonder. _'She is so cute when she does that it's criminal. Must not ask out, must not ask out, must not ask out…'_

"**Tap that."**

'_Shut the hell up, you!' _outwardly, he smiled and waved to her. "Nah, it's okay, Hinata. Dog-breath's bark is worse than his bite. I can handle it without a savior." Hinata let out a soft 'eep!' and ducked into her coat, blushing a deep red at actually talking to her crush. Naruto felt like he had physically taken a gut punch. _'TOO CUTE!! Aw, fuck it all!!' _"Hey, Hinata. After this, you wan-"

"You really should be quieter, you guys." Said Kabuto as he walked over to them. Naruto whirled around. _'God dammit!! I finally decide to go the distance and HE shows up!!! Somebody gonna die!!' _"You're all fresh out of the academy, right? Pathetic… screaming like a bunch of schoolgirls…" he pushed his glassed back up onto his nose. "This isn't a game. Where do you think we are?"

"We're in the Chuunin exam, the no-holds-barred, free-for-all death match to see who gets the right of leading others." Naruto answered automatically, glaring hatred at the traitor. "and who are you, that you think you can come over here and dictate to us what we can and cannot do?" all of the surrounding Genin were stunned at the barely disguised hostility in Naruto's voice. Kabuto just blinked.

"My name is Kabuto. And more importantly, you probably should all look behind you." Ino and Sakura turned.

"Behind…?" and they got the full blast of the rain team's ire.

"Those guys are from the hidden rain. They have pretty short tempers." Kabuto said with a tone that made it clear he was doing good, educating the unwashed masses. "You guys remind me of what I used to be: clueless rookies."

"Kabuto-san… right?" Sakura started. "So, that means this is your second time?" Kabuto shook his head.

"Nope. This is my seventh. The Chuunin exams are held twice a year, so this is my fourth year."

"Ha! Man, you suck!!" Kiba snorted. Kabuto shrugged.

"Believe what you want." Naruto glared and waved to Sasuke. The Uchiha blinked and followed him, so that his ear was next to the blonde's mouth.

"I call bullshit." Naruto whispered. "Nobody is that bad. If he was so terrible at being a ninja, he wouldn't be nominated again." Sasuke's eyes widened, before nodding imperceptibly. "I don't trust him. He's hiding something. You shouldn't trust him either. Let's keep an eye on him."

"Got it." Sasuke mumbled so that only Naruto could hear, and stepped away. Meanwhile, Sakura had continued on with her conversation.

"So, that must mean that you know a lot about the exams!" Kabuto nodded.

"That's right. And since I'm feeling generous today, I'll share some information with you cute, naïve little rookies." He flipped out a deck of cards. "With my, ninja info cards."

"Ninja info cards? What the heck are those?" Sakura asked.

"They're basically cards that have information burned onto them with chakra. I have four years and over 200 hundred cards worth of information in here." He held up a blank card. "They look like just sheets of paper. But when I imprint my chakra through them…" he pressed his thumb down on the deck, and held up another card. This one was a breakdown of where all the participating Genin came from. Naruto's eyes narrowed.

"Wow! That's so cool!" Sakura exclaimed.

"And how, exactly, do you have this information?" Naruto asked, folding his arms in front of himself. "the teams only arrived yesterday, nobody is allowed into any of their hotel rooms other than other teams from that village, and there's no way in hell you could have done a headcount on a group this big and sorted out who came from where while in this room, AND made a card for it." _'Wow. Paranoia makes me smart!' _Kabuto blinked owlishly as the rest of the Genin just stared confusedly at Naruto, not understanding what he was getting at. _'Well… almost everyone.' _Naruto amended, as Shikamaru's eyes widened and glanced sharply at Naruto. _'Figures it'd be the lazy-ass to figure it out.' _Naruto inclined his head ever so slightly, to show he knew what Shikamaru suspected. Kabuto, oblivious to the unspoken conversation, chuckled softly.

"Wow. You're really paranoid. What's wrong with me having a few useless numbers?"

"Because if you can get some 'useless numbers'… then what's to stop an enemy of Konoha getting some not-so-useless numbers?" the three teams fell silent at the statement, though only Sasuke and Shikamaru understood what he was really saying. _If you can get your hands on our information so easily, what's to stop you from selling it to the highest bidder? _

"Hmm… I suppose that could be a problem for us." Kabuto conceded. "But no matter! Anybody else want to look at the cards?" Naruto nodded.

"I do. I want the cards of team seven, team eight, team ten, team Gai, the sand team and the team from mist." Kabuto blinked.

"Wow. Quite a roster you have there." He whipped the cards out of the deck in rapid succession and fanned them out. "Wanna take a look?"

"Yes." Naruto took the cards and looked them over. _'Hmmm… almost diddly-shit about the team from mist. Pretty much nothing except their names, which I already knew. Uh, wait… says they've been in a civil war for seven years, after Zabu- oh, shit.' _Naruto did a double take. _'…damn. I knew that guy was batshit crazy. A coup, by himself? Then why is there a civil war? Oh, I gotta find this shit out.' _Outwardly, Naruto kept a straight face as he looked over the rest of the cards, with Kabuto looking on.

"So? You like?" Kabuto asked.

"Yeah. Pretty well-detailed…" Naruto mumbled as he looked them over. And they were, which was the most damning part. Orochimaru had his feelers into Konoha's network, and he doubted the snake-bastard even registered with Konoha right now. _'He's getting without giving…'_ and then he came to his card. He skimmed over it, before his eye caught on something. He looked again, and his eyes hardened. He slipped his card into his sleeve and shuffled the rest of the cards back together.

"I thought so. I put a lot of effort into them." Kabuto held out his hand. Naruto ignored it and handed the stack to Sasuke.

"Lots of effort. Light 'em up, Sasuke." Sasuke didn't even flinch as he snapped a small flame into being. Kabuto yelled out in shock as the cards went up in smoke.

"What are you doing!? Those were my cards, I-" Naruto leapt up and slammed a roundhouse kick into his face. Kabuto flew right into the wall.

"Naruto!! What the hell are you doing!!?" Sakura screamed, the rest of the Genin (sans Shikamaru and Sasuke) up in arms. "He's on our side!! He helped us!!"

"Exactly. We're ninja. We're not generous people. If he's helping us, he has a hidden agenda. They can get people killed." _'That and he printed in no uncertain terms that fuzzy was sealed in my gut, but I can't exactly tell them that now can I?' _Sakura cocked her fist back.

"You've gone too far this time, Naru-!!" and she froze.

"Kage mane no Jutsu, complete." Shikamaru intoned, locking Sakura in place. Sasuke held out his arm, blocking the rest of the Genin.

"Don't. He has his reasons, and we trust them." Naruto walked over to Kabuto, who was still coughing up blood on the wall. He bent over to his ear.

"Next time you print S-class secrets about someone, make sure there aren't people around who can enforce that law. If I wanted to, I could have the entire ninja force hunting your ass down with lethal force, and I'd even have the backing of the Sandaime. I don't know how you got that information about me, and I don't care. But know that I'm watching you. You slip up once, you make me even think that you're selling info to the other side, and I turn that card over to the Hokage, and watch you get filled full of kunai." Kabuto paled. _'I wouldn't really do that. I'm not that big a bastard. But he doesn't know that!'_

"I... I understand…" Kabuto whispered. Naruto stood, yanking Kabuto to his feet.

"Good. See that it doesn't happen again." Said Naruto in a much louder voice, for the benefit of the surrounding Genin. "I'm glad we had this conversation." Kabuto nodded uncertainly, and hobbled off to a corner to lick his wounds. As soon as he was gone, Naruto was pounced upon.

"Dude!! Why'd you do that!? He was helping us!!!" Kiba shouted. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Didn't I just say, dog-breath? This isn't a job where you're cut out to offer help with no strings attached. If he's helping us, it's because it would help him." Shino pushed up his glasses.

"While that may be true, Naruto-san, it does not warrant that violent outburst you caused. Either you grossly overreacted, or there is something you are not telling us." Naruto blinked. _'Oh. Shit. Well, that busted everything open. How to get them to shut up without giving anything away…?' _and then he had it.

"Fine, you caught me. He printed an S-class village secret on one of those cards." All the Genin stiffened. They knew how important that class of secret was. That was the sort of shit you'd find in the Hokage's mythical black book (if it even existed), the sort of stuff that even a hint of it getting leaked could spark wars. To put it where anybody could see it if they asked for something was beyond stupid. Naruto pulled out the card, without showing them what was on the front of it. "He's lucky I didn't turn him in to the old man and watch him go at it."

"But… he's on our side… why would he do that…" Ino muttered. Naruto sighed.

"If you're still going on about that, then I'm done trying to explain." And he walked away, to the opposite side of the room. He didn't get that far, as he was intercepted halfway through.

"Nice moves." Said the girl from the sound Genin team. Naruto slowed to a stop and turned to her.

"Umm… thanks?" Naruto said uncertainly. _'Man, who is this chick? I don't even remember her from befo- oh, wait, the one sound girl with the bells! Against Shikamaru! Now I remember!' _as soon as he DID remember, he wanted to get the hell out of there fast. The idea of willingly talking to one of Orochimaru's minions (ones that were open with their affiliation, that is) gave him the willies. Still, he was trying to somewhat improve his manners, (being punted through a wall by either Metsuki or Sakura for saying a double-entendre he didn't even know about was not appealing in any way.) so he would humor her for a bit before he scampered.

"**Hmm… not bad, not bad at all. Curves in all the right places, skilled enough to be in the exams, and, judging by your memories, extremely ruthless! This one's a keeper!" **Kyuubi threw in his ten ryo. Naruto wisely pretended he didn't hear him, for fear of a psychotic breakdown because of the mental images.

"Guess not all Konoha-nin are tree-hugging pansies like I thought. He's one of you, right?" the girl asked.

'_There's an insult in there somewhere, I just know it.' _"Erm… yeah, I guess. But he pisses me off."

"You just met him. I heard that much." The girl arched an eyebrow. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"And? That keeps him from a good beat down?" the girl laughed.

"Ha! I like your style, kid. Treason is not owned when 'tis descried, successful crimes alone are justified!" Naruto blinked.

"Uh… sure. Whatever you say." The girl held out a hand.

"Kin. Tsuchi Kin. Come. My teammates are curious about the one who put the braggart in place." Naruto's eyes widened.

"Erm, no, I think I actually have to get back to-"

"**I insist.**" She whipped around and fixed him with The Glare, and Naruto froze. He knew that glare; that was the glare that he got right before Sakura (and recently Metsuki) fixed him with before they forcibly put him through something he shouldn't be put through.

"Eheheheh… what was I saying? That I was going with you? I think that was right…" he chuckled nervously as he was dragged off bodily. Sasuke managed to glance back at him long enough for Naruto to mouth 'save me!' in his direction before being pulled into the sound Genin's midst.

"So! This is the tree-hugger that kicked that bastard's ass! I thought you'd be taller!" the boy with hair sorta like Kakashi said. The freaky mummy dude just looked him up and down silently, his single eye revealing little emotion. Naruto chuckled nervously, glancing over his shoulder to see Sasuke gathering up Shikamaru and whoever he could convince. Naruto decided to stall.

"So, uh… why do you guys hate Kabuto so much?" Kakashi-hair snorted.

"Why DON'T we hate him!? He was talking bad about sound to anybody who would listen when we came in! Said we were a weakling village that didn't deserve any attention at all!!" Naruto's eyes widened, before rapidly quashing the urge to giggle.

'_Oh, the irony.' _And yet, this helped Naruto immensely. Since it looked like these three didn't know Kabuto was working for them, Naruto could guess that Orochimaru is keeping his spies separate. He was the puppet master, the only one that had all the information. What he could do with this information, he had no clue, but he was certain it would help. And at any rate, he had to stall more. "Uh, yeah. I'm sure that's not true. You've, uh… gotta have the new to make things better, or, uh, the old gets stagnant." _'Man, what the hell am I saying!? How do they not smell all the bullshit I'm spewing!?' _and yet, that seemed to infinitely please them.

"Y'know, I kinda like you, kid! The name's Zaku! And the mummy here's Dosu! Don't mind him, he doesn't take well to new people that we aren't about to kill!"

"That's not true, Zaku. I took to you two well enough, didn't I?" Dosu replied. "Even though I hate working with rookies."

"Oh, yeah, that's right; your old team got killed, didn't it? I forgot about that! You were just about to enter the Chuunin exams, too! Sucks to be you!" Zaku laughed.

"Are you sure we should be speaking with him? This is an exam. We could be killing each other at any second, so fraternizing with the enemy is counter-productive. And with what's going to happen…" Dosu trailed off. However, everybody present (even the one they didn't know knew) understood.

"Aw, come on! We're just chatting! Besides, this kid… what was your name again?" Naruto looked up.

"…Naruto." He said, after a moment of thought.

"This kid Naruto took out the asshole badmouthing us! We can throw him a bone, at least!" Zaku protested. Kin nodded in the affirmative.

"The enemy of mine enemy is mine friend, as they say. Surely you can handle pleasant chitchat for a few minutes, Dosu?" Naruto blinked.

'_Man! These three were so pissed off at everything the first time I went through this! They actually seem like normal people now… maybe me beating up Kabuto put them in a better mood than I thought… or did meeting somebody remotely friendly from another village make them happy?' _this last thought disturbed Naruto greatly. He had pretty much based his opinion of sound off of these three and Orochimaru; that sound was a group of always vicious, war-mongering assholes that killed for shits and giggles. To find out that three-fourths of his study group was way off mark was… more than a little off-putting.

either way, most of Naruto's bases of observation for the world, the things that absolutely DID NOT CHANGE were rapidly being pulled out from under him. One, all Uchiha were assholes. (Metsuki and this neo-Sasuke had debunked this) two, Itachi went apeshit and killed his family for no reason. (apparently Konoha higher-ups were pulling his strings, although he couldn't confirm it, since he had no idea where that place Itachi talked about was yet) three, Kyuubi was a murdering demon who killed people as soon as you look at them. (He'd been rather helpful lately, even if his attempts to get Naruto to score and his general hatred of humans ticked him off) and now number four, all of sound village wanted to kill everybody in sight, was pretty much busted. He had no idea what to believe in anymore.

"Oi, Naruto." Said Shikamaru, who was suddenly by his shoulder. "You wanna come back over here? We've got something we need to ask you." Naruto could have jumped for joy.

'_YES!! The cavalry is here! No more confusing sound ninja for me!' _"Uh, yeah, sure! I'll go with-"

"Hey, asshole! We were having a nice conversation here! Do yourself a favor and piss off!" Zaku glared daggers at the entourage following the pineapple-haired boy (Kiba, Sasuke, Sakura and Chouji glared right back) as he clapped a hand on Naruto's shoulder. Shikamaru looked at the sound Genin.

"Maybe you were, but he's from our village, and he's our friend. We get priority." Zaku's eye twitched.

"You trying to start something, pineapple-head?" he lifted a hand up, pointing the business end of his air cannon at the group. Shikamaru cracked his neck.

"Troublesome… but if you're offering…" Naruto looked between the two groups rapidly settling into fighting stances, and thought only one thing.

'_This will not end well.'_

BOOM!!

"SHUT THE HELL UP NOW, YOU WORTHLESS BASTARDS!!!!" Ibiki roared as he poofed into existence, along with a squad of assistants. Naruto almost sighed in relief. _'That's one bloodbath averted.' _"Thanks for waiting, maggots! I'm Ibiki Morino, your first examiner for the Chuunin exams!" he pointed a finger at the sound Genin. "Hidden sound, you better back down now and stop doing whatever you want! Do you want to fail before the exam even starts?" the sound team bristled, before Dosu bowed subserviently.

"I apologize, on behalf of my team… it's our first time, so we got… carried away."

"bah." Ibiki scoffed. "Now's a good time to say this, so clean out your ears and listen good! There will be absolutely NO fighting without the permission of the examiner. Even if you get permission to bash yourselves to pieces, killing will not be tolerated by anybody!" here Ibiki's scarred visage twisted into a terrifying glare. "Any scum-licking pig that disobeys me will be failed immediately. **Do I make myself clear?**" the room collectively gulped.

"**I like this fleshbag. He has class." **Kyuubi nodded approvingly.

'_Hush, fuzz-butt.' _

"We will now begin with the first test of the Chuunin exams." He held up a small tile with the number 1 printed on it. "Instead of your current seating arrangement, you will pick one of these, go to the numbered table, and sit in the seat assigned to you. We will then hand out the exams." Naruto only vaguely heard Kiba protesting loudly about it being a paper test as he shuffled to his assigned seat. He then sat down, and took a nap.

* * *

"**Oi, fleshbag. Wake up. The Hyuuga girl's talking to you." **said Kyuubi suddenly. Naruto started awake.

"Whuzzut?" he mumbled.

"Um… Naruto-kun…" Hinata stuttered, twiddling her fingers together. _'What the!? Since when was Hinata sitting next to me!?' _thought a stunned Naruto. "Naruto-kun… why aren't you doing your test? Your… your team is d-depending on you…"

'_Oh, god-damn.'_ Naruto swore inwardly. Now that he'd had some time to get away from Hinata after overdosing on cuteness (he didn't care if you actually could, that's what it felt like, dammit!) he realized just what a dumbass decision he had made on a split-second's notice. He had completely forgotten that Orochimaru was in this test. (or, rather, it was pushed to the wayside of his mind) and given the fact that he was going to raise absolute hell for the snake bastard and his plans to take Sasuke, the man was sure to pull a cheap-shot and try to attack the people close to him. Sakura and Sasuke would be the first targets (after all, he's after Sasuke in the first place!) but they were with him, and he could easily protect them and play blocker while they ran for help. Hinata, on the other hand, was on a completely different team, and was with people that had absolutely no idea the danger that was happening. If he suddenly made her his girlfriend, she would jump straight to the top of his hit-list. He couldn't allow that. With a start, he realized his reasoning for not getting a girlfriend was wrong: it wasn't so they wouldn't have to mourn him; it was so he wouldn't have to mourn HER.

"What? Oh! I know what I'm doing! I have insider information on this test!" Naruto tapped his forehead for emphasis. "This'll be a breeze for me!" Hinata blushed, twiddling her fingers.

"Umm… I-If you like, you could… copy off of me…" Naruto froze.

'_Oh, shitassfuckdamn.' _The blonde instantly understood the nuances of what she was doing. In a nutshell, she was willing to risk getting kicked out, along with the rest of her team, in order to help him pass the test, because she cared for him that much. And now Naruto REALLY felt the burn inside his chest and his brain.

'_don'taskherout, don'taskherout, don'taskherout…!' _he chanted at a feverish pace. "Th-thanks, Hinata-chan. But you really shouldn't. This is your ninja career you're risking. I can't ask for that." Naruto put on a show of bravado and thumped his chest. "And super-awesome ninja like me, I don't need to cheat!" Hinata blushed the color of a tomato and looked away, smiling faintly. Naruto grinned back, before hunching over his desk.

'_Yeah… that's right, that happened the first time… but there was something else, something more that happened this time… what was it? It was something very important…' _he barely concentrated when Ibiki announced the tenth question's rules. _'God, what was it!? It was something really important… something… involving Sakura…' _many teams stood and left. _'Shitshitshitshitshit, what was it!? It was life-altering, it was something she did, something I stopped, it was…' _his head whipped up. _'OH SHIT!! SHE TRIED TO FORFEIT!!' _he snapped his head back, and sure enough, there was Sakura, reluctantly starting to raise her hand. _'SHIT!!! She's so far away, I can't stop her without being thrown out!!! What did I do the- that's right!! I cut through the lies!!' _Naruto slammed his hand down onto the desk, the loud clap startling everybody.

"I CALL BULLSHIT!!!" Naruto roared. "You say that if you take it and get it wrong, you're out of the game for good, but that's impossible!! There's no way you can POSSIBLY enforce that rule outside of Konoha!! How the hell do you get the other villages to sign off on that!? YOU DON'T!!! I smell the crap all the way over here!!" Ibiki gave a start, before smirking.

"Oh? Is that a fact? Are you willing to stake your career on that proclamation? Stuck as a Genin for the rest of your life?" Naruto crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair.

"I am!! And even if it's true, and even if I get the answer wrong, so what!? That won't stop me from becoming the greatest Hokage you've ever seen!! Just you watch!!!" Ibiki sighed and shook his head. All around the room, the Genin were slowly waking up to the facts.

"Very well then. To those of you who stuck it out… I congratulate you on passing the first test!!" Naruto felt the grin explode onto his face as he tuned out the cries of confusion.

'_How was that, huh? Pretty good speech, no? Just the sorta thing a Hokage needs in order to inspire people!!'_

"**Don't get too full of yourself, fleshbag. The Hokage needs to be insanely strong, too. Stronger than any of the other Kages. So I wouldn't go getting a swollen head just yet." **Naruto stiffened.

'_What!? Are you serious?' _Kyuubi snorted.

"**Of course I'm serious! Since you fleshbags created the villages, Konoha has always reigned supreme. Believe me, I know, I've been around since before the Konoha clans were even born. Out of all of the hidden villages, Konoha has produced the most and strongest ninja of all. As reluctant as I am to admit it, the rat in the hat that sealed me was probably the best ninja since the first sage. You think you can rule over the free world without being insanely strong? Good luck." **

'…_This is troubling.' _Any further pondering was cut short as the window exploded into a banner and a person. Naruto didn't even bother reading the banner, as he took one look at the woman and ducked under the desk. _'ACK!!!! FREAKY SNAKE LADY!!!!'_

"This is no time to be celebrating!!" Freaky Snake Lady shouted. "I'm Mitarashi Anko, and I'm the second exam proctor!!" the room was silent. Ibiki coughed and drew back the banner.

"Bad timing…" he whispered. Anko blushed. Naruto wasn't sure if that terrified him even more or not. She the scanned the room, and her eyes widened. She rounded on Ibiki.

"81!? You left twenty-seven teams this time!? You've gotten way too sloppy!!" Ibiki smiled and shrugged.

"What can I say? We've got an exceptional crop this year." Anko scoffed.

"Whatever! I'll cut that in half with this next test!" she shivered. "Ah, I'm getting so excited! Follow me, shorties! Everything will be explained when we're in place!" as the Genin began to stand, Naruto had a flash of inspiration. With a quick move, he grabbed his pencil and scribbled a short note on it.

'_There. That ought to do it.' _And he leaped out the hole the Freaky Snake Lady had made in the window. Ibiki smirked as the last of the Genin filed out the door.

"Heh. Has to make an impression, even when leaving." He then began the tedious work of picking up the tests. As he passed by a table, his eye caught on a particular sheet. "Hmm… this is the Uzumaki brat's paper… he's written something here…" he picked it up and scanned it. His eyes widened halfway before he near flat-out threw the papers to the ground.

"HOKAGE-SAMA!!!"

* * *

"Welcome to the stage for the second test. Practice arena forty-four… also known as the 'forest of death'!" Anko intoned ominously. Naruto looked up and took a good hard look at the place. _'Wow. Now that I get a real good look at it, these are some of the biggest trees anywhere near Konoha. I wonder why…?' _"Soon, you'll get a good first-hand look at why it got that horrifying name…" Naruto yawned.

"Yeah, right. The first test was easy. I bet this isn't any more difficult!" _'Not to mention the fact that I've been through this before, so I know the secrets of the forest. The only fuck-up is the ninjas, but I can't predict those in any case.' _Anko smiled.

"Wow! We've got a fighter, here!" a kunai sailed out of her sleeve as she tossed it straight at Naruto. It took all of his willpower not to flinch as it grazed by his cheek. Suddenly, Anko was behind him, grinding deep into his back as she licked at the freely bleeding cut. "I like the spirited ones… it makes it so much more delicious when I… _break _them…" and it took all of willpower now not to shudder, but remain cool and collected.

'_Fox, I hope to hell I look badass right now, 'cause THIS IS SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT!!!' _Naruto screamed inwardly.

"**Fleshbag, how the hell do you not have a boner right now!?" **Kyuubi shouted. **"She's got nothing but fishnet between you and those juicy melons grinding in your back!! Why are you not popping a stiffie!?!? Are you gay or something!? Please tell me you're not gay!!"**

'_WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SEX RIGHT NOW!?!? And no, I'm not horny, because SHE'S FRICKIN' DRINKING MY BLOOD!!' _

"**I have my doubts."**

'_That does it!' _suddenly, Naruto did a Kawarimi and appeared behind Anko. With the Kyuubi whooping, him steeling himself for the beatdown of a lifetime, and his hands moving, he reached around and grabbed her boobs.

"You know, you really shouldn't start something you can't finish, Freaky Snake Lady." He said loudly with a lot more bravery than he had, as the test examiner lit up a fiery red.

"WH-TH-WHY YOU LITTLE!!!!" before she could whirl around, Naruto leaned down to her ear.

"sorry 'bout this, freaky snake lady, but this is the only way to get close enough without people noticing… err, noticing that I'm talking to you." Anko stilled, enough to make out his words better while still keeping up the illusion of struggle. "Alright, listen close. I'm not gonna tell you how I know this, so don't ask. I've already said something to this effect to Ibiki, too, so he should be on his way to the Hokage. Somewhere in the exam, I don't know who, but one of the Genin is a bit more… SNAKE-like than we like around these parts, you know what I mean?" Anko's eyes widened. "Don't talk!! Remember, I'm still groping you! Ibiki's probably rallying the forces as we speak, so your job is to figure out who the hell he's dressed up as. His target's gonna be Sasuke, since he's after the Sharingan, so I'm playing keep-away until you guys show up. Work fast, got it?" Anko responded by grabbing his arm and throwing him over her shoulder, all the way into the forest of death.

"YOU CREEP!!!!" she screamed.

'_I take it that means she gets it.' _He thought idly as he flew through the air.

"…**fleshbag, I may have to revise my opinion of you. That was just about one of the ballsiest things that I have ever seen." **

'_I try… hey, how am I gonna join up with the rest of the team?'_ And Naruto slammed into the ground, tumbling ass over teakettle until he slammed into a tree. When the stars finally cleared, he looked up. _'Whoa… if that isn't the tallest tree in the forest, then I'll eat my jumpsuit.'_

"**Please do, that thing is an abomination." **The section of wood on the tree that the Jinchuuriki had landed on suddenly began to dissolve like dust. Naruto leaped back, frightened.

"What the hell!?" the tree bark kept disintegrating, until there was a hole in the (oddly enough, hollow) tree the rough length and width of a fully grown man. "Ummm… what the hell is this? Fuzz-butt, do you have any idea?"

"**Honestly, I haven't the faintest. And if I don't know… then I'd hazard a guess that it has something to do with the video game." **Naruto perked up and peered down the hole in the tree.

"Wow. Pitch-black down there, isn't it? Can't see a foot down!... should we jump?"

"…**I don't like it, since we have no idea what is on the bottom. It could be water, it could be ground, hell, it could be razor-sharp spikes to kill ninja gullible enough to jump down a dark hole!" **Naruto paled. Being impaled on spikes was not his idea of a good time. **"But… I'd say go for it, fleshbag." **Naruto sighed.

"Well… here goes NOTHIIIIIIIIING…" and Naruto disappeared.

* * *

And now, a word from the co-writer/beta-reader:

Hey. Got a few things I wanna say, but for the most part, I'm gonna shut up after this. Turns out some of you don't really like me jabbering on and on, and I can understand where they're coming from, so I'll respect their wishes to SHUT THE FUCK UP and GO FUCK OFF.

The constant hints of things changing: that was a decision made by both MHX and myself. When we first decided to do this story, we had one goal in mind, above everything else: that this story would not turn into a rip-off of Chunin Exam Day, by Perfect Lionheart. That story pretty much cornered the market on time travel and/or time loop stories, and even though both of us feel that the quality of the story has been drastically plummeting for many chapters, (due to lionheart's sadistic choice to drag out the story with more of the bullshit that people don't like every time somebody asks him to hurry the hell up and get on with the plot.) it is still one of, if not THE highest-reviewed stories in Naruto fan fiction. When this chapter was posted, Chunin Exam Day has over nine thousand reviews. (WHAT!? NINE-THOUSAND!? But seriously, internet memes aside, it had 10304, last time we counted.)

We knew that there would be people out there that would say, 'hey, isn't your story just taken from perfect lionheart with a videogame twist?' (BTW, no, it's taken from chibi-reaper's story, Naruto The Videogame. Whether THAT is taken from perfect lionheart with a videogame twist, we have no idea.) So, we wanted to distinguish ourselves from the pack of copy-cats that were bound to follow after lionheart's trail. Problem was, until the Sasuke Retrieval Arc comes along, it pretty much IS a rip-off of perfect lionheart with a videogame twist. So, we decided to go the way of LD 1449 and hint at things changing far in advance. Seeing as how some people are getting sick of it, and I feel that we've bashed it into your skulls enough, I'll stop mentioning it every other breath. You probably get the point already.

Rehashing of canon plot: that's pretty much what standard Naruto is: canon rehashed with a smart(er) and forewarned Naruto. We can't change too much in this avatar before it's not really Standard/canon Naruto anymore. We're not exactly happy about it either, but those are the breaks. Don't worry; there will be plenty of AU-ness later on.

Videogame aspects: we have them planned out, but unfortunately, we just don't have the opportunity to throw them in every other chapter or so. Trust me, there will be much videogame-y-ness in the future. On a side note, cookies to anybody who is able to guess what the hole in the tree is. Trust me, if you're a videogame buff, it'll leap out at you and scream, LOOK AT ME!!! Lol

Also, MHX and I would personally like to thank the people who have seriously criticized this story. That's the best kind of review that writers can get: criticism. Bear in mind, this does not mean outright flames, so all the assholes that just perked up can go away now. Criticism points out the places that a writer can improve, while doing it in a helpful manner and also pointing out things the author did right. So, once again, thank you to those who do that. Lord knows most of us on here are amateurs who don't actually have anything published, so anything you can do helps.

Anything you want to say, MHX?

Well hmm.. I don't really have anything else to say Dude you pretty much covered all of our bases. If you missed my usual opening it will be back next chapter.

Alright, then. I'll shut up for a while now. Click the big green words below us! The power of anime compels you!


	12. The Chunin Exams Part 3: White Snake

And MHX said let there be chapter 12.

I do not own any published or copy written works.

Normal speech "I need information now and there is only one person I trust enough to give it to me." MHX takes out a tuxedo t-shirt places it on as it becomes full pinstriped black tuxedo.

_Thoughts 'This is formal enough to see that man. To Naples Italy I have to see a mafia Don.' _Red energy pulses around MHX as a jet engine rivets itself to his back.

**Greater being speaking or thinking "I love flying."** MHX yells as he breaks the sound barrier on his non stop flight to Naples. As his target comes into site he mobsters fighting nuns.

Techniques Ending the unlived lives MHX crashes down like a meteor a pair of black demonic wings and metal angelic wings growing from the engine on his back.

The nuns all freeze necks cracking they all stared at MHX hissing lines of the bible flying across their eyes. "Bring it on you dried up old hags I'm not 4 anymore you have no power over me." The nuns leapt at MHX brandishing their beam rulers.

* * *

The Chunin Exams Part 3: The White Snake in the Forest of Death

* * *

"GUAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Naruto screamed as he fell. He fell and he fell, and the blackness never eased up, the light kept on getting darker…

And then, suddenly, he was on his feet, in some sort of circular forum. Naruto stared around, confused, bewildered and disoriented from what felt like a day-long fall. His balance-lacking mind, however, was able to pick up on a few things instantly.

The room was rather Spartan in design, with the walls blank and void of decoration, covered in a rather boring puce color. The doors, however, (and there were a heck of a lot of doors!) were the exact opposite. They were all kinds of outlandish colors, from dark violets and blacks to loud, boisterous oranges and reds, with different designs elegantly painted into the wood, from shambling dead fighting the forces of life, to sand wraiths whirling through the sky, to swarms of locusts devouring all life. The things that they all had in common, however, was that they were all completely covered in Oni masks, and that they had numbers across them. 'One, two, and three…' Naruto counted off. 'There are nine of these doors! I wonder why…?'

'**Uhhh… fleshbag…' **Kyuubi began, sounding distinctly uncomfortable. **'I think… you forgot one.'**

'What? Where?'

'**Look down.' **Naruto looked down, confused, and screamed.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!" there was a massive Oni mask across the floor, and this one was the most hideous of them all. It was almost an amalgam of all the doors, with an extra hearty helping of terrifying-shit-that-will-stay-with-you-the-rest-of-your-life. Naruto forgot to breathe for a second, before Kyuubi forcibly reminded him with a chakra surge. "Oh, god… note to self, never look down in this place, ever."

'**Fleshbag… there is something inherently wrong with this place.' **Kyuubi said with a tone that Naruto had never heard before. **'There is something inherently wrong with this place, and I want to get out of here NOW.' **With a start, Naruto realized the tone was fear. The almighty Kyuubi, strongest of all the bijuu, was TERRIFIED of this room. That set off all kinds of warning bells in Naruto's head. There was something so inherently wrong with it that he even forgot to rib the fuzz-butt about it.

"Right… proceeding to get the hell out of here…" Naruto looked up at where he came from… and there was nothing there. "Oh, shit… Kyuubi… are massively long holes supposed to be able to seal up behind you without you even noticing?"

'**I don't like this… not one bit…' **Kyuubi mumbled. Naruto walked out into the center of the room (trying very hard not to look down at the demon-face-of-doom) to try and find a way out. Instead, he found an inscription on the wall, stretching from floor to ceiling.

"Whoa… what the hell is that?" Naruto peered up at the top and began to read, a rather impressive feat given the bad lighting of the room and the height. "'Abandon all hope, ye who enter here…' oh, I REALLY don't like the sound of that. 'Abandon all hope, ye who enter here, for this is the Hellspawn Pit. From the very bowels of the earth itself, abominations of all sort crawl towards the light, to extinguish it. Yet here they stand trapped, waiting for the angry fist of god to smite them from existence.'" Naruto blinked. "You mean…"

'**Demons… my kin…' **Kyuubi breathed. **'So many of them gathered together… and with this aura… so powerful…'**

"'If you wish to become the sword of the heavenly, and then leap forth into the fire; for if you succeed in this endeavor, and eliminate the leaders of the hellspawn invaders, you shall control the very powers of hell itself.'" Naruto stepped away from the wall. "Demons… like you…"

A bestial roar tore the silence asunder as Naruto screamed and whirled around. The Oni mask on the first door, full of sand and dancing wraiths, was moving, and roaring, as it's gaping maw grew wider… and wider… and wider, until the entire door was gone, replaced with the gullet of the Oni. Naruto nearly shit his pants. "Oh, god… I nearly had a heart attack… Kyuubi, how the hell do we get out of here!?"

'**I don't know… the only opening that I see… is into the door…' **Kyuubi mumbled. Naruto stumbled over to the mouth, staring into the abyss. He whimpered.

"Oh, god… oh, god, if you can hear me, pleases save my immortal soul…" and with that, he tumbled forward into the hole.

* * *

Naruto landed on a bed of sand, nearly toppling in as he came to a stop. As he looked around, nervously fingering a kunai at his side, a shriek sounded out as the sands took shape, forming into one monster-like form. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Naruto screamed as he chucked the kunai at it. The knife punched through the thing's neck, and a spurt of blood tainted the sands. With a dying scream, it faded away as quickly as it came. Naruto didn't dare breath. "…is it over?"

'**From what I could tell, you severed its spine. Lucky shot.' **Kyuubi commented. Naruto picked up the leftover kunai.

"Was… was that really a demon? Did I really just kill a demon?" Naruto asked, breathing slowly calming down. "Was that really I-IIAAAAAHHHH!!!!" the ground opened up beneath him, and he fell.

* * *

And so it continued. Naruto would have to face progressively tougher and progressively more sand wraiths. When he finished them off, the ground would swallow him whole, and the cycle would repeat itself. Naruto spat out a clot of blood as he tore a strip from his jumpsuit to stem a freely flowing bicep wound.

"Ugh. This just keeps going. Fuzz-butt, what level are we on?"

'**We're on the ninth. We should be falling to the tenth any secOOOOOOOOONNNND!!!' **the fall was mercifully short this time, for which Naruto was immensely grateful. He was really starting to get sick of the darkness. Naruto pulled himself out of the sand (he absently noticed that it was a lot deeper than the other floors) and looked around.

The chamber was dark. Not so dark that he couldn't see, but enough that there were many ominous shadows being thrown about. The terrifying feeling that he had felt in the original room was multiplied a hundred-fold. And there were no demons.

Naruto cautiously stepped forward, kunai in hand. "Kyuubi… shouldn't there be a demon here right now?"

'**I don't like this… this feels like a trap.'**

"You're telling m-"

"**FREEDOOOOM!!!!" **screeched a terrifyingly familiar voice. Naruto only barely dodged out of the rapidly expanding shadow around his feet. The massive beast landed on the sands, roaring. **"I SHALL BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD!!!!"**

'**Oh my god…' **Kyuubi breathed. **'Impossible…'**

"No way…" Naruto fell on his ass.

"**KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL!!!!"** the Shukaku screamed. **"I'LL KILL YOU!!!!" **the sand beneath Naruto's feet shot up, intent on squishing him. Naruto dodged out just in time.

"HOW THE HELL IS THE SHUKAKU FREE!?!?" he screamed. "KYUUBI!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?!?"

'**Impossible… but then, that would mean…' **Kyuubi breathed. Naruto swore loudly as he latched onto the wall with his feet, running away from the rapidly gaining sand.

"fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!! How did I beat this bastard before!?!? The toads!! Of course!!!" he ran through the seals and paused for that crucial second to slap his hand down. "KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!!!"''

… And nothing happened. No trail of seals, no poof of smoke, no drain of chakra, nothing. And then Naruto was incased in a sand cocoon. **"VICTORY!!!" **Shukaku roared. **"THE SANDS WILL RUN RED TONIGHT!!!!"**

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" SQUISH!!!! And then Naruto was tiny pieces scattered all across the desert floor.

* * *

Naruto first felt the pain of his eyes squeezed tightly shut, then the phantom tingle of being shattered into a million gooey bits, then the breeze of the forest blowing through his hair. Slowly, he opened his eyes, so find that he was outside the opening into the tree, completely whole, and that it was probably around four in the afternoon.

'**Oh, god… are we out?' **Kyuubi mumbled.

"What the hell…? Shouldn't we have reset…?" Naruto asked the winds. Surprisingly, the winds answered.

**Secret Area found! **Said the block letters in the air. **'Hellspawn Pit/Pit of One-Hundred Trials'! Fight your way through one hundred demons for massive rewards! Deaths in the Hellspawn Pit cause Players to respawn outside the entrance! **Naruto squinted at the letters, suddenly understanding.

"Wait… it's almost like they EXPECT us to die in there, so they don't make us reset!" Naruto was pissed. Nobody looked down on him like that!

'**Smart move, that…' **said the Kyuubi. Naruto mentally rounded on himself.

"What!? Are you making fun of me too!?"

'**THINK, fleshbag!!' **the fox roared. **'The thing said 'pit of one hundred trials'! If the tenth monster we fought was, breaking every rule of the universe there is, the shukaku, and then what do you think we'll fight at the twenty? The thirty? The NINETY!?' **the blond thought for a moment, then paled.

"Oh my god…" he breathed.

'**if my guess is right… and I pray to the devil that it's not… then, somehow, defying all logic and reason… all nine of the bijuu are down there in that pit… including myself…' **the Kyuubi shuddered. **'The matchup from hell… I cannot even access even half of my power from this prison, and we would have to fight myself in all my wondrous, blood-soaked glory… and I am terrified to think of what could even possibly lurk on the hundredth floor. Something even more powerful than me is a thought that chills even my blood.' **All the blood drained from Naruto's face.

"Something even worse than you…" Naruto breathed, the full terror dawning on him.

'**Fleshbag… It goes against everything I believe in, as the most powerful of the bijuu, possibly the most powerful being on the earth… but I beg of you… DO NOT GO BACK TO THAT PIT EVER AGAIN. If you honor only one request of mine for the rest of your life, let it be that one. DO NOT GO BACK THERE.' **Naruto needed no more convincing.

"Okay…" he said shakily. "Okay… I'll never go back…" that seemed to calm the fox down enough, because moments later, he was back to his regular, arrogant, eviler-than-thou self.

'**Good. Now that we've got that out of the way, go find your teammates. It would forever be my shame if my fleshbag host cannot even pass this measly test of power.' **Naruto shook off the fear and looked up at the sky. His eyes widened.

"Oh, shit! They could already be fighting snake-face right now!! Where are they!?" and with that, he took off through the trees, listening for any signs of battle.

* * *

"Yahoo!! The trap worked!!" Kiba cheered as the team hopped through the treetops. "Can't believe those people fell for it!!" Hinata smiled weakly, while Shino merely stayed silent. "So, which way's the tower? Hinata, can you see it?"

"I-I'll take a look…" she quickly activated her Byakugan, before recoiling. "w-what?" Kiba looked over at her.

"What? What do you see?" Hinata turned a faint red.

"N-Naruto-kun…" Kiba arched an eyebrow as Naruto leaped onto the branch. Akamaru yipped out a greeting.

"Heeeeey, Naruto!! Good to see you! Hey, you've got massive brass balls, doing what you did, man, but I am SO jeal-"

"No time!! Need to find my team!!" Naruto shouted. "They could be getting massacred right now!!" Kiba waved his hands in a placating gesture, laughing.

"Hey, hey, man, chill! Your team's not going to fall apart without you there! They've got emo-boy on it!" Naruto shook his head.

"You don't understand!! There's somebody hunting Sasuke! Someone that is entirely out of their league, hell, he's out of most of the regular ninja's league!! I need to find them and get them out of there!!" he turned and looked at Hinata, and got an idea. "Hinata-chan!! Please, you gotta help me! Use your eye-thingy to find my team!!" Hinata turned a bright red at the suffix, but managed to squeak out her affirmation, and reactivated her doujutsu. She scanned the forest, before letting out a yelp.

"Naruto-kun!! Above you!!" Naruto whirled about and impaled a snake, which was just about to strike, right through its open mouth and into its brain, killing it instantly. Kiba gave a start, while Shino merely put away the kunai that he had drawn.

"Holy shit!! Since when do snakes get that big!?" he shouted as the body slowly dropped from the tree, exposing its full length. Naruto scowled.

"When they're actually summons! If he's got his scaly bastards prowling the forests already, then we may be too late!! Hinata, please!!" she looked around again, before snapping back in a direction.

"T-there! About two kilometers away, they're fighting someone from grass!!" Naruto swore.

"Dammit!! He found them!! I gotta go, they're about to get killed!!" he was about to leap off, before Kiba put a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, man, is this guy really that bad?" Naruto nodded rapidly.

"That, and a thousand times worse! If the Hokage knew about this, he'd bring down the entire ninja force on this dude, just to kill him!!" Kiba paled at this, but gulped and nodded his head resolutely.

"Well, then, we've gotta help!" Naruto turned red with anger.

"Are you kidding me!?!? Did you not hear what I just said!? He's a monster!! He'll chew you up and spit you out before you can even blink!! You're nowhere near ready to fight him!!" Shino pushed up his glasses.

"That may very well be the case. However, we highly doubt that you are in any better situation than we are. And your team is up against a legitimate danger to Konoha society, so therefore, as Konoha ninja, we are obligated to help. The colony protects the hive at all costs." Hinata nodded shyly.

"W-w-we want to help you, n-Naruto-kun." Kiba nodded a feral grin on his face. Naruto opened his mouth to protest, but shut it, once he saw their resolute eyes. He sighed.

"Alright, fine. But if I let you do this, you listen to everything I say, no exceptions. This guy is the serious business, so if I tell you to get the hell out of there and leave us to our fates, then you run like you've never run before. Run, and find the adult ninja. They should be on their way into the forests after this guy." The three nodded.

"Right!" and the four leaped off, intent on their target. Naruto sprinted ahead of the pack, gritting his teeth in determination.

'_Just you wait, you snake-face bastard… you'll not get Sasuke a second time!!'_

* * *

"You shouldn't relax, even for a moment…" Orochimaru hissed as he shed the body of the summon like a second skin. "Prey should always be trying to run… in the presence of a predator." Sasuke and Sakura could barely move from their perch on the tree-branch, so terrified were they? Orochimaru slid up the bark of the tree… before pausing as a loud voice called out.

"Sasuke!! Sakura!! DUCK!!!" Naruto shouted as he leaped out from behind a tree, hands in a cross position. "KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!!!" Naruto multiplied into five as they all tossed out ten shuriken each. "KAGE SHURIKEN NO JUTSU!!!!" each one the ten shuriken multiplied into a hundred, pummeling the land where Orochimaru was en masse with sharp, pointy objects. Naruto and the clones landed on the ground, quickly whipping out kunai for each. "Where are you, you snake-face bastard!?"

"Here." Hissed the snake as he plunged his hand straight through Naruto's chest. Naruto, however, poofed into smoke, while yet another Naruto leaped out from the bushes and delivered a bone-shattering roundhouse kick to the sannin's spine. His efforts were for naught, however, as the foot simply sunk through the mud that made up the clone. The Orochimaru clone grinned savagely as Naruto struggled to free himself. "Too late, boy." The clone pulled out an exploding tag, lighting it instantly. The branch went up in flames.

"NARUTOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Hinata screamed, probably the loudest she'd ever been in her life. She never even noticed the figure coming up behind her until the hand clapped her on the shoulder. "EEEEK!!"

"SHHH!!" Naruto exclaimed. "Are you trying to get his attention?!" Hinata nearly fainted.

"N-n-n-Naruto-kun! B-b-ut y-you…!"

"What, you actually think that I'm gonna fight that snake-teme in person? Hell no!! He's orochi-freakin'-maru!! He'd massacre me if I got anywhere near him! I'm just running interference until the adults show up; they're the ones who can beat him!!" Naruto held no illusions about his strength. He was going to be the most awesome Hokage in the history of the universe, ever, but for now, the phantom tingle of being squashed into pulp was still dancing across his skin. He had no intention of feeling it again, for what could quite possibly be for the last time. He created the seal again, and five dozen more clones appeared from smoke. "GOGOGO!!" the clones charged at the sannin, screaming a battle cry. The original, however, leaped off towards his team.

"Naruto!!!" Sakura screamed, rushing into Naruto's arms. Normally, Naruto would be jumping all about, whooping in joy at such intimate physical contact, but the situation called for a _slightly _more serious attitude.

"Shh… shh, it's okay, Sakura-chan… I'm here; we're going to be okay…" Naruto cooed, stroking the pinkette's hair.

"HOW!?!" Sasuke shouted eyes filled with a wild gleam. "HOW are we going to be okay!?!? That guy is on a whole different level!! How can a pack of six Genin fight somebody like that!?" Naruto looked up at Sasuke.

"We're not. We are not fighting Orochimaru, under any circumstances. If we did, we'd get slaughtered." Sasuke's eyes widened.

"THEN WHAT DO WE-" he started to scream.

"SASUKE!!" Naruto roared. Sasuke shut up, terrified out of his wits. "We are not fighting Orochimaru. Saying that we are fighting him makes it sound like we're trying to win. What we're doing is stalling for time." Sasuke's eyes widened.

"What…?" he whispered, not quite understanding through the cloud on his mind.

"Before we went into the forest, I warned the adults that something wasn't kosher in here. That was my whole groping incident with the Freaky Snake Lady. They're on extremely high alert, and with all this commotion they'll be this way any second now. Until then, we stall for time." Naruto looked over Sakura's head and quickly created a dozen more clones to supplement his falling numbers. "Our only job right now is keeping you away from him. You're the one he wants." Sasuke's breath caught.

"What…!? Why would he want me!?"

"For your eyes." Was all Naruto said on the matter. "We're not gonna let him get close to you, Sasuke. If it starts to look like we're losing, run. Run and never look back. We'll try to slow him while you find the proctors." Naruto was not about to let that snake bastard get his claws in Sasuke again. He'd failed his friend once, he wasn't about to do it again! "Let's go!!" and Naruto charged forward.

"Kukuku… so, here in the flesh, are we?" Orochimaru chuckled as Naruto leaped out, two kunai in his grips. "Your clones were fairly amusing. I find myself wondering how a mere Genin has such a large reserve."

"Keep wondering that, you snake-face bastard!! Take that thought to hell!! KIBA, NOW!!!"

"GATSUUGA!!" Kiba shouted as he and Akamaru transformed into a whirling dervish. Orochimaru only barely dodged out of the way, straight into a cloud of kikai bugs.

"Shino!! Do it!!" The Aburame began draining the sannin's chakra at a feverish pace. Orochimaru merely rumbled with laughter as he stood there, taking the drain. After a moment, Shino collapsed.

"What!? Shino!!" Naruto shouted. Shino stumbled to his feet, clutching his gut.

"I… I am sorry, Naruto-san.. But there is something poisonous about his chakra… my kikai are not able to convert it to my own body type, and then…" Orochimaru punted him in the face, sending him smashing into a tree.

"One." He leered.

"SHINO-KUN!!" Hinata shouted, charging forward, Byakugan blazing. Orochimaru's eyes lit up in glee.

"A Byakugan!? And an unsealed one at that!! Oh, what delicious irony this is!! The universe pays on its dues after all!" Hinata dashed forward and stabbed at Orochimaru with her fingers. The snake sannin flexed his body, and became as flexible as a snake. "Oh, this is a difficult choice… decisions, decisions Sharingan, or Byakugan… Sharingan… Byakugan…"

He glanced down at her attacks, and frowned. "hmm… your attacks are weak… they have no grace, no flexibility… not at all like the skilled Hyuuga I have fought… you must twist-" and Orochimaru twisted in an unnatural pose to dodge an attack. "-and dodge, to strike at an opponent's weak points, like THIS!!" Orochimaru's fingers launched forward towards Hinata's neck. The shy girl only barely managed to deflect the almost certainly fatal attack. Orochimaru looked like the cat that caught the canary. "So you can fight!" Hinata was concentrating too hard on staying alive to comment, as she struck over and over at Orochimaru. The man simply kept almost lazily dodging. "Really, now, is this the best you can do? To think that a main house member would do this poorly… perhaps I should slaughter your other comrades, maybe that could give you cause to-"

"YOU WON'T TOUCH NARUTO-KUN!!!!" Hinata shrieked, eyes suddenly blazing with intensity that wasn't there before as the speed of her attacks tripled. The snake sannin actually had to put effort into his dodges.

"Oho? So you won't let me touch this 'Naruto-kun' of yours? Perhaps I will, just to prove you wrong. Perhaps I'll hold up his body to you, show you the desperate gleam of life fading from his eyes as I-"

"NO!!!!" she roared, as he _twisted_, snaking around Orochimaru's defenses and striking him on the spine. The snake sannin stiffened out of reflex as he dodged away, before a manic grin crossed his face.

"Kukuku! You are a quick learner, my dear Hyuuga-chan, when your friends are on the line! You actually managed to seal one of my tenketsu! If you had that speed of learning all the time, they might just call you a genius in a few years! Oh, you've made me interested in you, very interested indeed!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH HINATA!!!" Kiba roared as he launched himself forward. Orochimaru sighed.

"But it looks as if I'll have to cut this little impromptu lesson short. Pity, you would have made a fine vessel with the right training." With lightning speed, Orochimaru was behind Hinata, a well-placed chop to the neck sending her into darkness. "Two."

"BASTARD!!! GATSUUGA!!!!" Kiba transformed again into the whirlwind. Orochimaru merely stared at it, watching its rotations… before his hands snaked out farther than should be physically possible, reaching directly into the dervish and clutching both boy and dog by the neck, bodies dangling like criminals in a hangman's noose. "URK!!"

"You really shouldn't put too much faith in that technique of yours, Inuzuka." Orochimaru chided, as if he were a friendly tutor instead of a deranged sociopathic traitor. "If you match the rotation of your technique, you can avoid being harmed by the spinning… and you are left completely off-guard." Orochimaru began shaking them like ragdolls. That, combined with the lack of oxygen already clouding their minds, sent them off into a deep unconsciousness. "Three."

He dropped the two and turned to the last two Genin in the clearing. "Ah… you five have made me so nostalgic! Gatsuuga, kikai bugs, Kage Bunshin, Byakugan… almost makes you long for home, eh?" he cracked his knuckles almost lazily. "It's a pity I'm only here for Sasuke today. Any one of you would make fine subordinates given time." He tapped his chin. "Although, you are a little old for the indoctrination, so you probably wouldn't follow my orders blindly like the rest… hmm… I wonder how I could fix that…"

"Wonder that in hell!!!" Naruto roared as he filled the clearing with Kage Bunshin. Orochimaru's eyes lit up.

"Fascinating! You've already created over a hundred clones to fight me, and yet you create this many again, and you're not even winded! Oh, you would make a fine vessel, boy, with this large of a chakra capacity. I might just mark you as well!" Naruto shuddered.

"Keep dreaming, you damn snake pedophile!! You're not getting your hands on me!!" Orochimaru frowned as the clones attacked as one.

"Oh, come now! Why does everybody assume I'm a pedophile?" he asked amiably as he stabbed two clones in the chest. "Is it the pale skin? Is it my haircut? Is it my eyes? It's the eyes, isn't it?"

"It's the fact you're chasing after prepubescent boys' bodies!!" the clones shouted as one. Orochimaru frowned.

"Oh, now that's just putting words in my mouth. Sure, I've probably worded some phrases badly before, but I just want to live forever! Does that really make me a pedophile?" he cocked his head as he created spikes of earth to skewer all of the remaining clones. "Although, if I ever wanted to cause my host to procreate… hmmm… that could be a problem. I suppose that WOULD be a little creepy, if that time ever came. At the moment, however, I do not want sex from children."

Orochimaru back flipped over a fireball blasted at him from Sasuke, tossing a few shuriken to disabuse the Uchiha of the idea. "I suppose my collecting of young children is also sketchy, but they're much more impressionable and vulnerable to brainwashing at that age! Is that really so wrong?" Orochimaru turned on the original. "That's what Konoha does, doesn't it? That's why it started the academy so early, back in the old man's glory days."

"Don't compare Konoha to your creepiness, you snake-face bastard!!" Naruto charged his avoidance of fighting Orochimaru in person gone. "Konoha is honorable!! Not like you, traitor!!" the man rolled his eyes.

"Oh, please. Where do you think I got the idea from? A little birdie sang them to me? I learned all of my policies from Konoha. I just take a more… liberal way of going about them, since I don't have a wide population to collect from. You think Konoha is so pure, but-"

"SHUT UP!!!!" Naruto roared as he stabbed at Orochimaru's face. The sannin sighed.

"I grow tired of this. I was supposed to have marked Sasuke already and have gone on my way. At this rate, the ANBU will be here any moment." He bit his thumb and swiped it along his sealing tattoo. "The time for subtlety is long gone." With a massive burst of smoke, an enormous snake was there, hissing. Naruto growled. With a sudden blast of Kyuubi chakra, Naruto leaped up…

"EAT SHIT!!!"

… And punted the serpent right in the face. Orochimaru's eyes widened.

"No way… the Kyuubi…" he breathed his pulse quickening. With a blast of air, he blew Naruto into a nearby tree, halting his attempt to bloodily rip his head off. Orochimaru grinned. "Heheh!! This is getting fun!!! Now it's your turn, Sasuke!! What are you going to do!?" Sasuke stood frozen as the massive snake charged him. Naruto growled and flipped through dozens of hand seals in seconds.

"FUUTON: SENPU NO NAKAMI!!!!" Naruto roared.

And then, it was as if the finger of god had descended.

Orochimaru, unable to dodge the wide-area attack that happened directly next to him in time, was bodily flung from the top of the snake's head, which was quickly turned into bloody chunks, into a massive tree trunk, which was quickly turned into lumber. Trees that had stood since the founding of Konoha were shredded like so much rice paper. Sasuke screamed in agony as, even as he was out the very outskirts of the technique and not in the full brunt of the attack, dozens upon dozens of deep gashes formed on his body. Orochimaru, however, was in agony. The technique was not only gouging out his body bit by bit, but it was also shredding the trees around him. Now, normally he wouldn't care about this; after all, nature should serve man, not the other way around. The chunks of the trees, however, were now caught in the whirlwind, continually battering his already pulverized body.

Naruto was screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs. His regular chakra being absorbed into the technique in milliseconds, the tornado began drawing on the Kyuubi, with disastrous results. The jinchuuriki wailed in agonizing pain at the rush of Kyuubi chakra rushing in his veins, burning through his chakra coils like a wildfire. With a final scream of agony, Naruto released the jutsu and collapsed bonelessly to the ground, completely passed out cold. Orochimaru dropped to the forest floor with a wet THUMP, screaming in pain.

"GAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" he screamed, arms hanging limp in their sockets. Chunks of gore were slipping from his bones in streams. "AAAAAAAAAGH!!! DAMMIT!!!! My body!!! I can't feel my body!!!" Sasuke slumped to the ground, eyes rolling to the back of his head, passed out from a combination of fear and pain. Orochimaru weakly swiped a hand across his tattoo, and another snake formed from air. "AGHH!!! I can't mark Sasuke like this!! Kabuto!! Kabuto, where are you!?!?" the snake swallowed Orochimaru whole, then quickly began slithering off into the forest in search of the medic Nin.

The forest was quiet. The five broken and bloody bodies of the genin lay scattered about, surrounded by the shredded trees. Sakura slowly pushed herself out from the rubble, eyes wider than should be physically possible.

"w-we… we won…" Sakura murmured. "We won… we chased him off…" and yet, she felt a crushing weight push down upon her. The other genin had stood up to the monster in human skin, and WON… and she ran and hid in the bushes, like a scared little girl. Even Hinata, the sweet, shy little girl from class had stood her ground against the murderous sannin. She couldn't possibly catch up to them, if they could do something like this. She barely even noticed as she picked up Orochimaru's dropped scroll as she began gathering the genin's unconscious bodies together. Once they were arranged in a circle around her, she dropped to her knees, and began to cry. It was this scene, of destruction and blood and tears, that the ANBU found, led by Anko, Ibiki and the Sandaime himself.

* * *

"…**shbag. Fleshbag. Oi, fleshbag! Wake up!!" **a booming voice ordered. Naruto groaned as he pushed himself up. He wearily looked around, to find himself in the sewers of his mind once again. **"FLESHBAG!!!" **Naruto jumped a good foot in the air, completely awake now.

"NYAAAAAH!!!" he screamed.

"**Good. You're awake." **Kyuubi commented. **"How do you feel?"** Naruto groaned.

"Like my head is caught in a vice. I didn't know you cared, fuzz-butt."

"**I don't. You just pulled so much of my chakra through at once with that last technique that I wondered if you had demonized a bit." **Naruto gulped.

"'Demonized'? Why don't I like the sound of that?"

"**It's an idea tossed around by demons when they're drunk that humans, given enough exposure to demons, can take on demonic traits, or even become straight-out hanyou. Of course, regular humans would die from the required amount of exposure, but that doesn't stop them from thinking it's possible. But, seeing as how jinchuuriki aren't exactly the norm for demon-human relations, I had thought it might be possible for you. Certainly would be quite a story for picking up women." **Naruto groaned loudly.

"Great. So not only do I have YOU stuck in my gut and the hatred of the villagers twenty-four-seven, but I have the chance to turn into a DEMON. Great, just great. Any more bad news you want to deliver, you great big cosplay outfit?"

"**Did you just call me a FURSUIT?"**

"I could've implied such a thing, yes."

"**I've destroyed villages for less."**

"I have no doubt. Anything more you want to crush my day with?"

"**Well, that last attack has pretty much obliterated your chakra coils. I'm working on repairing them as fast as I can, but it'll be some time before you can use anything close to a jutsu. You're lucky, though. A few seconds more, and you would have permanently burned a hole in your coils, and then nothing I could do could possibly fix you then. You'd end up like that bowl-cut taijutsu freak." **Naruto groaned. Completely without ninjutsu, and right before the prelims!! **"On the other hand, that tornado was enough to turn the god-wannabe into pulverized hamburger. He was able to escape, though, so I would guess this isn't the last we've seen of him." **Naruto breathed a sigh of relief.

"So he wasn't able to mark Sasuke… thank god…" he could nearly have broken down and cried. He had saved his best friend! Burned-out chakra coils and being unable to use jutsu for a while was more than enough of a price to protect him. "How bad was he injured?" Naruto asked.

"**Heheh. If I didn't hate your guts so damn much, I'd compliment you. The guy was a bloody wreck. I wouldn't be surprised if he was strung up in a hospital bed for months, if not years. The man fancies himself an immortal, but he can barely handle one 'army-killer' jutsu to the face. Disgraceful, really." **

"Of course, all he has to do to fix that is switch bodies." Naruto decided to not mention that normal humans couldn't handle even a fraction of an army-killer to the face as he scowled, before brightening up. "But then, he can't try and take Sasuke for another three years, and then we have time to train Sasuke against him!"

"**Whatever you say, fleshbag."**

"Say, fuzz-butt. Where am I, anyway? I mean, in the real world. 'cause if we're all passed out on the forest floor, we're begging for somebody to take our scrolls, and that would seriously blow if we got them stolen after all this."

"**How do you expect me to know?"**

Well, since you always see things that I don't, even when I'm not looking at them, I assume you have super-senses or something. You DO know, don't you?"

"…**stupid fleshbag… as a matter of fact, I do know where you are. You and the other puny humans are in the forest tower infirmary, getting your wounds treated. Apparently, you all had the necessary scrolls, so they decided to treat you there instead of taking you out of the test." **Naruto blinked.

"We passed!? Sweet!! But when did we get the other scroll?"

"**Apparently the god-wannabe dropped it on his way slinking out. The pink banshee picked it up before weeping like a brook." **The jinchuuriki burst out laughing.

"HAHAHA!!! We got the snake-bastard's scroll!!! Oh, that is the best thing I've heard all day!! I'm getting that scroll and keeping it as a goddamn trophy!! HA!!" he frowned. "But, wait. Why is Sakura-chan crying?"

"**Penis envy, I imagine."**

"Oh, screw you!"

"**Only women, fleshbag. Besides, I'm not into cross-species. Never thought you'd have that kind of kink, though." **Before Naruto could sputter a denial, the sewer started getting lighter. **"Looks like they're waking you up. Have fun explaining you beat the wannabe!!"**

* * *

"…to …ruto… Naruto, can you hear me?" the blonde groaned and slowly cracked an eye open. "Naruto?"

"Old man…" Naruto groaned, feeling every muscle in his body ache. "Oog… sure got the snake-bastard good, didn't I?" the boy grinned weakly. Sarutobi was not amused.

"Naruto, is it true that you had before-hand knowledge that Orochimaru was going to attack Sasuke Uchiha?" Naruto blinked.

'Uh oh. That probably doesn't look too good.' "Uhhh… a little birdie told me?" Sarutobi silently stood and walked away, so that only his back was visible to Naruto.

"Naruto. Tell me how you knew this information… or I will have Ibiki extract it from you." Naruto's eyes widened.

"WHAT!?" he screamed, jerking up in bed, before biting back a scream of pain and sinking back down. "Old man, why!? I helped protect Sasuke, didn't I?! Why am I getting the shakedown!?"

"Because I need to know if you are working with the enemy!!" Sarutobi shouted, drowning out Naruto's protests. "Understand, Naruto, that while your actions help your case, I cannot overlook that fact that you knew things about missing-nin movements that my own spies have not been able to tell me!! I would like to believe that you are as loyal to the village as I am, but I have a responsibility to the people of this village to protect them from all dangers, both inward and outward! Now tell me!! Are you working with Orochimaru!?"

"NO!!" Naruto yelled. "I hate that snake bastard more than you ever could!! I hate that fucker because of what he did to me!! I would never ever work with him if he offered me the world on a silver platter!!" Sarutobi let out a small breath of relief, but did not lose the hard tone in his voice.

"Then how did you know about the attack in advance?" he asked in a no-nonsense voice. Naruto bit his lip.

'Shit… how do I get myself out of this one? Can't tell him that I've already lived this attack, he'd lock me up in the loony bin…' and then, he had it.

"He could smell him." Sarutobi stiffened.

"Pardon?" he whispered.

"Fuzz-butt could smell him. He said that 'somebody who smells like snakes is nearby. I'll give you three guesses who. And from what I know of him, he'll be after a bloodline user, probably a Sharingan.' I just guessed Sasuke would be the easiest target, since he's less trained than Metsuki-chan, and he was in the forest with no adults nearby." Sarutobi sighed.

"I… see. You are in regular contact with… him?"

"…yeah. He and I talk. He hasn't whispered violent nothings into my ear while I sleep, though, so don't go flipping out. He's learned by now that he's stuck with me, for better or worse, no matter what he does, so he helps me as much as his pride allows him to." Sarutobi sat back down, gnawing on his pipe.

"I… think I understand." Sarutobi nodded. "Alright, Naruto. I believe you. I didn't really think you would be the double-agent type, but I had to go through the motions, you see." Naruto nodded, grinning weakly.

"Hey, it's okay, old man! Sometimes, a Hokage's gotta do what Hokage's gotta do, right?" Sarutobi chuckled.

"Yes. Yes, that is exactly right."

"So… how are the others? Are they all fine?" Naruto asked. Sarutobi nodded.

"Yes, amazingly. Knowing first-hand what Orochimaru is capable of, he inflicted an incredibly sparse amount of damage on them. He must not have been trying to garner attention to himself." Naruto sighed in relief.

"So they're all right. Thank god… can they still participate in the exams?" Sarutobi nodded.

"We've postponed the preliminaries by one day to allow us to investigate how he got past our defenses, and to discuss whether or not to continue the exams. If we decide to continue, they will be patched up in time." Naruto shook his head.

"Not a good idea to cancel, old man. I gave Orochimaru a pretty good thrashing, so he's bound to be incredibly pissed. His temper's probably on a hairline trigger right now, so if we cancel, that might just send him into an apocalyptic village-destroying rage." Sarutobi arched an eyebrow.

"Oh? You 'thrashed' a member of the sannin? I find that hard to believe." Naruto grinned.

"Hey, who do you think chased him off? The tooth fairy? I blasted the snake bastard in the face with an army-killer at the last minute. Kyuubi says he was real screwed up when he ran away. Granted, I probably leveled a good chunk of the forest, I won't be able to get the dupe on him twice, and Kyuubi says I won't be able to use any Ninjutsu while he fixes up the burnout in my chakra coils, but it's worth it to be able to say that I sent a member of the sannin slinking away like a dog with its tail between its legs." Both of the Sandaime's eyebrows were arched.

"An army-killer? Where did you learn that?"

"The forbidden scroll, where else? One of the ones you added, too. Senpu no Nakami, it was called." Sarutobi's eyes widened slightly.

"You learned two techniques from there that night…?" Naruto grinned sheepishly. The old man laughed. "Hahaha! You never cease to amaze me, Naruto. You may just surprise everyone and become Hokage someday." Sarutobi began stroking his goatee. "If Orochimaru was wounded as badly as you say, then perhaps he is not as great of a threat at the current time. In that case, we can continue the prelims, and prepare adequately in the one-month interval for his interference. Yes, that sounds like a fine plan." Naruto merely grinned and slumped back in the infirmary bed, feeling better than he had in years.

'Things might just turn out alright.' Naruto thought to himself with a smile as a nurse brought him a tray of food.

* * *

And now, a word from the co-writer:

I promised that I'd shut up, but I can already hear the screams of 'GARY STU!!!' echoing in the review columns. I thought I'd address them before they happen.

There are several reasons that Naruto was able to beat Orochimaru. One, Orochimaru VASTLY underestimated him. In his eyes, he was only a Genin, albeit a jinchuuriki Genin, and he, a vastly superior sannin. He felt no need to guard against Naruto at the same level as he would against, oh, say, Itachi or Sasori. Second, Orochimaru's attention was split. He was focusing between Sasuke and Naruto, and at the moment of the attack, the majority of that attention was on Sasuke. He thought he'd more or less taken Naruto out of the count for enough time to deal with Sasuke. Third, Naruto used Senpu no Nakami. This is a wide-area, mass-destruction technique, dubbed an 'army-killer' (due to the fact that it could ostensibly destroy an entire army single-handedly if in the right hands). And it was released on Orochimaru point-blank. Orochimaru is inhumanly difficult to defeat, so he survived the attack and the ensuing collateral damage, but you don't walk away from that kind of shit unscathed. Naruto caught a lot of backlash from the attack as well, so he can't just go around spamming the technique, either. These three main reasons are why Naruto was able to get the jump on him. None of these could possibly happen again, as Orochimaru is now aware of what he is capable of, and Naruto won't risk burning out his coils again, so don't expect S-ranked ninja beatdowns every other paragraph. We're trying to keep Naruto down to earth.

That's all I wanted to say. Majin, you run the show now.

Now then sorry for the wait people it couldn't be helped. Okay so like the dude yet Naruto will not spam the army killer and for the the prelims he will no fight with no chakra at all. I mean that no sudden recover when the chips are down Naruto is going to fight old school in a straight fight no traps or shadow clones to fight for him. Naruto will not become a Gary Stu ever I will destroy my self before he becomes a bland wannabe god who gains power without effort with a harem of cardboard cutouts that used to be human beings. Naruto will be strong stronger than cannon stronger than any one could dream he will have no Deus ex Machina he will work for every shred of power with sweat blood and tears. Naruto will find love but he will find it the real way in the steady awkward process that every real person goes through to find happiness. Masashi has stolen Naruto's future I will not and I will do the impossible I will save Sasuke without turning him into a soulless sterile weakling. I am a conesuir of literature though most of the cast are not of my design I will not cast them into the shit bog Masashi gave birth to. I never believed that Masashi wrote Naruto when Shippuden began its soul had disappeared I'm goig to find that soul and put it into this story.

I'll give a cookie to anyone who guesses who Naruto will fight.

This is Majin Hentai X signing out.

Good night and thank you for not reading yaoi.


	13. Skills and Mountain Storms

Majin Hentai X bringing you chapter 13 sorry it's so late writer's block is an angry bitch.

I own nothing except the OCs.

"Normal Speech" "God damn it I hate nuns they're so fucking annoying." MHX walks forwards into the compound kicking a stray torso out of his path.

'_Thoughts'_ '_I really hope he has some of those Australian giant beers around.'_ Tightening his tie before entering the office.

"**Greater Beings" "So Hentai you have come to me for information. You have brought an offering."** The being in the chair spoken in a voice that came from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

Techniques Offering Presentation A large black briefcase studded with diamonds and plated with platinum appears.

"Here is your offering." The brief case opened to reveal a single manju. Faster than the eye could see the manju was grabbed and eaten. With a belch of satisfaction the being in the chair gave the thumbs up.

"**You seek the missing women. Their location is the lair of your arch nemesis."** A blank look passes across MHX's face. Then he takes a deep breath chest expanding.

"Tuxedo Mask!" MHX Screams so loudly the leaning tower of Pisa straightens.

* * *

Chapter 13: Skills and Mountain Storms

* * *

Despite the fact that Naruto was completely without chakra, he was feeling rather good as he pulled himself out of the hospital bed. He pulled absently at the bandages covering his head and scowled. "Damn. I forgot how much I hate hospitals. Haven't been in one of these since the academy. And before that… uh… hmm… hey, fuzz-butt! How long have we been in this loop?"

"**Hell if I know, fleshbag. I'm not your calendar." **

"Hmm… that sucks. I don't even know how old I really am anymore." Naruto picked up his crutches and began hobbling out the door. He didn't need them, per say, but the old man said that the less stress he put on his body before the fight, the better. Normally, Naruto would've flipped him the bird, but given the fact that he had no chakra, he was willing to give the crutches a chance. He pulled open the door to the hallways and hobbled out of the intensive care unit. "Yo!" he called out to Gin, who was passing by. "Long time no see!"

"Naruto!" The doctor pushed up his glasses, shoving his clipboard into his armpit. "Aren't you supposed to be in intensive care?"

"Nah! I hate hospitals! Can't even feel what they shoved me in for!" he started walking again, but stifled a gasp of pain shooting through his stomach. "GHHHH!"

"Can't even feel it, you say?" the doctor said wryly.

"**That was me, by the way." **Kyuubi interjected. Naruto rolled his eyes and looked up at the doctor.

"It was nothing. The fuzz-butt just hit a weird spot repairing my coils."

"He… is fixing you right now?" gin started. Naruto rolled his eyes again.

"Oh, come on! I thought we were over this!" Naruto huffed at Gin.

"Well, yes, but… understand, our knowledge about the demonic influence on humans is next to nothing. With this much damage to your chakra core, you're basically a babe in terms of power. The Kyuubi repairing that much damage with his own chakra could have unforeseen consequences on your system, and we would never know about It." Gin explained.

"Hmm… I don't really understand all of that, but you're saying the fox could seriously fuck me up by fixing me?" Naruto frowned in confusion..

"In… layman's terms, yes." Gin said with a concerned tone.

"Well, whatever. If I get to use chakra again, that'd be nice. And besides, fuzz-butt says that humans would die from overexposure before something like that happened, so I'm probably safe." The boy then frowned. "Of course, then there's the fact that I might die… but oh well! If I keel over suddenly, now you know why!" He waved his hands dismissively. "But enough about that depressing crap! Where're the others? You know, Sasuke and Sakura and Hinata and the others!" Naruto beamed at his doctor.

"If they were not as badly injured as you were, then I would assume the regular wards. They're down the hall and to the right, second door on the left." Gin blinked as he finished talking, as Naruto was already hobbling as fast as he could on crutches down the hallway.

"THANKS, GIN!" he cried over his shoulder as he rounded the corner. Gin laughed softly.

"You'd never think that he nearly died…"

* * *

"GOOD MORNING KONOHA!" Naruto cried as he barged into the wards. Sakura jerked her head up from her slouch, a sudden grin on her face.

"Naruto! You're all right!" Sakura shouted a smile on her face. Naruto grinned as he hobbled over to her side.

"Heh! It'll take more than a bastard like him to take me down!" as soon as he was in grabbing distance of the bed, Sakura launched herself at his shoulders. "WHOA!" Naruto shouted stumbling.

"Thank god…" Sakura mumbled into his shoulder. "I was so worried…" Naruto looked up to see Kiba awake as well, stroking a sleeping Akamaru, and he shot a shit-eating grin and two thumbs up at him behind Sakura's back. Kiba tried very hard not to snigger. "I thought you were…"

"Hey, come on!" Naruto consoled. "I said I was all right, right?" Naruto shot Sakura his foxy grin TM.

"But they said that your coils were badly damaged!" Sakura jerked her head up. "If your coils are damaged, then you can't be a ninja anymore!" Naruto's grin shrank Sakura's concern stung.

Naruto sighed. "Oh… well… they've, uh… they've got very good doctors here! They're, uh, fixing my coils as part of my treatment! Soon, I'll be able to fling around Jutsu, good as new!"

'_**Liar, liar, pants on fire.' **_Kyuubi snickered from within his cage.

'_Shut up, you!'_ Naruto retorted mentally. He then looked up and eased himself out of Sakura's arms. "How are the others?" Naruto asked.

"They're okay, I guess. Shino himself is fine, but his colony is completely trashed. They let him go once they healed his bruises. I think he said he was heading home to switch out to a spare colony." Kiba explained. Sakura shuddered softly. "Oh, and apparently Sakura finds it gross that Shino has bugs in him."

"It's… not natural…" Sakura muttered. Naruto frowned.

'_You'd think she'd be more grateful to one of the people that saved her life…'_ Naruto thought then shook himself out of his reverie. "How 'bout Sasuke?"

"They've got him in his own room, so I don't know how he's doing. The doc said he has an entire ANBU team guarding him right now." Kiba grinned. "Bet that's a blow to his ego, eh?

Can't even go for a piss without somebody holding it for him." Naruto sniggered.

"Heheheh! That's good!" he sobered up, though, as a thought struck him. "And… Hinata?" Kiba nodded and jerked a thumb over his shoulder, towards a bed with the curtains drawn.

"She's in there. She's sleeping, though, so don't wake her up." Naruto nodded to the boy as he stood.

"Thanks, Kiba." Naruto stated.

"Hey, man! What are friends for, right?" Kiba grinned. Naruto grinned back.

"Right!" Naruto pulled the curtains shut behind him, and stared at Hinata's sleeping form.

With all done and told, she looked better than could've been expected. She had on a slight neck brace, and had a multitude of bandages on, but she was still breathing evenly, and didn't look like she was in pain. She even had a small smile on her face. Naruto felt something flutter in his chest. _'Damn. All beat up like this and she still looks cute.'_

'_**Somebody's got it BAAAAAAD.' **_The fox howled from the cage.

'_Hey, shut up, you! She went one-on-one with Orochimaru because I asked her too! You don't see that kind of devotion without feeling it!'_ Naruto looked at his bandaged hands, and the crutches shoved into his armpits_. 'I need to get stronger. Stronger, and stronger still, so that this never happens again. I need to be stronger, so I can protect everybody that I care about. Sasuke, Kakashi, Sakura-Chan… and Hinata-Chan.'_

**Boss Fight Completed: 'Orochimaru'! **Cried the big bold words suddenly in the air. Naruto nearly screamed. **Intelligence: +10! Luck: +7! Agility: +9! Experience: 1043! **The air jingled three times in succession. **Level Up! Level Ten! **Naruto blinked.

"Whoa. Wasn't I level seven before? Then, I jumped three levels by beating Orochimaru? Wow." He whispered. "You'd think I'd jump a good dozen levels for beating a sannin."

'_**Maybe it's 'cause you just chased him off, instead of killing him.'**_Kyuubi suggested.

"Huh. There's an idea."

**Stats Gained:**

**Strength: +15!**

**Control: +25!**

**Chakra: +20!**

**Bonus: Charisma: +9!**

**Bonus: Stealth: +7!**

**Bonus: Endurance: +8!**

**Achievement Unlocked! 'Defeated Orochimaru'! New Avatar Unlocked!**

Naruto smiled. "Heh. I beat the bastard; the least they could give me is an avatar." But suddenly, the words came back. **Level Ten Reached! Skill Tiers Unlocked! **Naruto arched an eyebrow, confused. "Wait, what?"

**Secret Discovered! 'Skills'! Skill tiers are a specific type of bonus you can gain every ten levels! They only have a limited amount of uses, but they allow you to surpass your current power! Only one skill may be chosen every ten levels! **Naruto other eyebrow shot up.

"Whoa… cool."

**Available Skills:  
**

**Taijutsu Evolution: Creates one new technique for any mastered Style. One use, Stackable Ten Tiers.**

**Genjutsu Evolution: Creates one new technique for any mastered Discipline. One use, Stackable Ten Tiers.**

**Ninjutsu Evolution: Creates one new technique for any mastered Element. One use, Stackable Ten Tiers.**

**Chakra Evolution: creates one new usable manipulation of chakra. (I.E. water walking, tree walking, ETC.) One use, Stackable Ten Tiers.**

**Silver-Tongued: When put into effect, the user can cause whoever they are talking to to believe And/or do whatever the user tells them to. Three uses, Stackable Five Tiers.**

**Sixth Sense: When put into effect, a force field of hyperawareness is formed around the user, allowing for pseudo-omniscience within the field. This force field can be freely manipulated in size and detail of awareness. Time Limit, One Hour. Three uses, Stackable Three Tiers.**

**Cheap Shot: When put into effect, the power of precognition is granted, allowing future sight of the enemy's movements, and the insight into how to best disrupt and attack. Time Limit, One Battle. Three uses, Stackable Five Tiers.**

**Game Mod: When put into effect, the laws of non-interference in Pause mode are disregarded, allowing interference with the world. The Effects last for one personal interference and one environmental interference. Three uses, Stackable Three Tiers.**

**Second Wind: from the depths of death, comes life. When the user is nearing the point of death, half of their total vitality is restored. Activated Automatically. One use, Stackable One Tier.**

**Lucky Lucky: All the luck in the world is yours. The luck stat is increased by 1000. Time Limit, One Day. One use, Non-Stackable.**

**Waldo: When activated, the user becomes just another face in the crowd. When the user is in a group of three or more individuals, invisibility, both physical and spiritual, is granted towards civilians and ninjas up to Genin level. Three uses, Stackable Five Tiers.**

**Reprogram: When activated, the user's development is wiped clean, allowing a fresh start. The user's stat points can be reassigned to whichever stat they so choose. One use, Stackable One Tier.**

"Ho…ly… shit…" Naruto whispered. "These… all of these actually exist… and I have to CHOOSE from them!" he felt as giddy as a schoolboy in a candy store. His mood sobered, though, as he recalled his upcoming dilemma. "Hmm… I suppose I should choose something that would help me survive the next fight. So, lucky lucky, Waldo, reprogram, sixth sense and silver-silver-tongued are out. The evolutions, I don't think would give me enough time to master them, however, they're supposed to work, so they're out too. That leaves cheap shot… hmmm…" he glanced at the choice below it.

"Game mod… something about that description seems weird… what the hell is 'laws of non-interference' mean?" he muttered, before his eyes shot open. "Oh my god, like when I killed Itachi! I tried to attack him and the houses and stuff in pause mode, but it just glanced off! So, if it allows me to ignore that…!" Oh, he knew what he was getting NOW. Without a second thought, his finger clicked on Game Mod. The words jingled a bit, before the power of both the levels and the skill flowed into his body. Naruto flexed vainly for a minute as the feel-good-ness of the enhancements played with his mind. "Heh… Naruto, you are a certified BEAST."

"Mmm…" Hinata moaned softly. In an instant, Naruto was at her side.

"Hinata!" he exclaimed, leaning over her. Slowly, ever so slowly, her eyes cracked open.

"Mmm… Naruto…" she smiled dreamily. Naruto couldn't help but grin back at the serenity on her face.

"Hey. How you feeling?" he asked. She smiled, a little cheekily, if Naruto were to put words to it.

"Better… now that you're here…" and quick as lightning; she leaned upward and stole a kiss from the blond. Naruto nearly screamed out loud (he managed to get it down to a really loud squeak) as he toppled backwards. Hinata's eyes shot open and whipped her head around to face him.

"What! That felt different than the rest of the...!" a look of dawning horror spread across her face. "Th-th-t-that w-wasn't a d-d-d-d-dream!" Naruto quickly pushed himself up (a rather bold feat, seeing as how his legs had suddenly turned to jelly).

"Wh…what kind of dreams are YOU having…?" he whispered loudly. Hinata turned twelve different shades of red, three of which didn't exist, and tried to burrow into the bed as far as possible.

"N-N-NARU-T-TO!" she shrieked. "No, get away!" Naruto sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Well. There goes any idea of friendship now." He declared. Hinata felt the world plunge out from underneath her.

"W-w-what…?" she whispered, feeling as though her dream had turned into a nightmare.

"I said, there's no way we could go back to being friends after A, finding out you dream of things like that with me, and B, you kissing me." He grinned. "So, I suppose you'll have to be my girlfriend now! Whaddaya say?"

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

It was too much for the poor girl. With a sigh and a hiss of steam from her ears, Hinata slumped backwards, completely passed out. Naruto grinned sheepishly as he slowly backed out.

"I didn't do it, I didn't do it, and I don't know anything…" He muttered to himself. "Run from the crime scene, run from the body, run REALLY REALLY FAST!" he sprinted out of the room, completely forgetting his need for crutches. Kiba looked up from his bed and frowned. "Huh. Wonder what crawled up his ass and squirmed around?"

* * *

"Haaah… dammit, this is why spur-of-the-moment ideas don't work with me…" Naruto mumbled as he ambled through the hospital. "I doubt hinata'd turn me down, not after… that whole mess, so I'm saddled with a girlfriend, despite my planning." He really hoped she could fight well, to protect her from his enemies… oh, who was he kidding? She held up against Orochimaru for a few minutes, which basically meant you were Chuunin on principle! Then again, she DID get knocked out rather badly, if the neck brace was anything to go by, so, who knows?

The blonde ambled into the main atrium of the hospital, ignoring the subtle 'Go-Away-You're-Scaring-The-Potential-Customers-Away' glares from the hospital staff. He was used to this type of glare from shopkeepers, though, and they were much more overt than them, so it didn't faze him. _'Guess they're not so eager to piss me off now that I'm a ninja…'_

"Yo, Naruto!" a voice shouted. Naruto jerked his head up and gaped.

"Whoa, what the?" he shouted. Zaku grinned and waved animatedly.

"Yo! We heard you were in the hospital, so we came to check! How you been?" Zaku asked. Naruto was feeling very uncomfortable, being in the presence of the sound Genin ('Genin team,' he corrected himself, as the rest of the group was sitting behind him) that had suddenly decided he was their friend.

"Err, I, uh, I'm doing good… so, uh, you came here to check on me?" Naruto responded stumbling over his words.

"Yeah!" Zaku grinned. "These hospitals are always so damn boring, so we thought we'd come and cheer you up!"

"After all, a merry heart doeth a man good like medicine!" Kin smiled as well. Naruto wasn't sure what that meant, but he figured that it meant something like what Zaku said.

"I'm just here because they dragged me along." Dosu said in a monotone. Naruto didn't doubt that for a minute.

"Well, I, Uh, thanks, and, I've kinda got, um, places to be! See ya!" Naruto sprinted off. "Jeez, what the hell are they doing! They're not supposed to be friendly…! They're supposed to be complete douche bags that I'm allowed to hate unconditionally…!" he didn't like this, not one bit. He absently walked down through a little-used hallway, deep in thought. _'If they're all nice and crap. Then how am I supposed to fight them when Orochimaru tries to kill everyone! Dammit, I hate this!'_

"So, the runt's made it this far." Said a voice, Naruto jerked in surprise, before whipping his head up. There, hanging from the ceiling and munching on a sandwich, was Arashi.

"WHOA! What the hell are you doing on the ceiling!" Naruto exclaimed. Arashi snorted.

"It's called boredom, dipshit. I don't feel like dealing with all these pain-in-the-ass doctors while sensei does something or other here." A loud CRUNCH! Sounded from the sandwich, making Naruto wonder just what the mountain of a man was eating. Arashi dropped from the ceiling and flipped in the air, landing on his feet with a crunch of stone and a cloud of dust. "Why so surprised, runt? Don't tell me you can't wall-walk?" he leered maliciously at Naruto, who was leaning against said wall.

"W-what the hell are you on, you fatass? I can already water-walk! Beat that!" Naruto gloated. His pride was somewhat shattered when Arashi began to laugh.

"HAHA! That's it? Even civilians know how to water-walk in Kiri, and you're just learning now? God, I knew you leaf-nin were all weak, but this is ridiculous!" Naruto bristled with anger. This fatass was starting to get on his nerves!

"OH YEAH! Well, if I'm so weak, then how was my team able to beat Momochi Zabuza, one of YOUR elite ninjas, to a pulp on our very first mission! HUH?" Naruto instantly regretted his words as he was violently slammed to the wall, Arashi's meaty hands clenched around his neck. "URK!"

"Shut the fuck up, you filthy liar!" Arashi hissed, flecking Naruto's face with bits and pieces of soggy lettuce and tomato. "You have NO RIGHT to speak that name!"

"It-ACK! It's- The truth…" Naruto wheezed, against his better judgment. The grip clenched tighter.

"You FUCKING LIAR! I'll wring your neck right now!" Arashi roared.

"Ara~shi~~!" a voice sing-songed. "Sensei's done, so it's time to- ARASHI! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" Kagero raced into the hallway, now fuming. "Sensei told you to not fight anybody, or we'll get kicked out! What the hell are you doing?" The shotacon screamed at her teammate

"This little twig started it! He-" Arashi protested only to be cut short.

"I don't care! I'm not having my first Chuunin exam ruined because you can't control yourself! If you don't stop, I'll- I'll get Mitsuhide!" she exclaimed. Arashi growled.

"Kagero… you fucking sellout…" with a swift motion, Arashi released Naruto, leaving him slumped on the ground and gasping for air. "Fine, I'll leave this piece of shit to his toilet." He began to walk away, but cast a final glare back at Naruto. "But you better watch yourself, tree-hugger. Because if you and I meet in the arena… I'll kill you." and with that, Arashi rumbled after Kagero, who turned back at Naruto and cast him a saucy wink. Naruto just wanted to hide in a deep hole somewhere.

'_**Fleshbag… have I ever told you you're a complete dumbass?' **_Kyuubi asked.

"God… don't remind me…" this was not one of his better ideas, having the day he pissed off the crazy fat ass be the day he was without chakra.

* * *

Naruto tapped his foot nervously as he half listened to the old man do his speech about the 'true meaning of the Chuunin exams'. He'd heard it all before, so he wasn't really giving it too much attention.

'_Okay, that's that coughing guy… what's his name…? Jeez… I hope I get an easy match. Don't think I could handle fighting somebody strong right now…'_ he felt a raging bloodlust pointed his way, and he froze. He glanced over to see Gaara glaring a hole in his head. When their eyes met, the Jinchuuriki grinned insanely. Naruto felt a chill running down his spine. _'Oh… shit…! Gaara's gone apeshit… If I get chosen for him, I'm screwed…!'_

"Very well, then. I will now run the names through the computer." Hayate coughed loudly as the computer began circulating the names. With a beep, they settled on a pair. "The first match shall be between Aburame Shino and Kankuro. Will the two combatants please step to the arena?" Naruto breathed a sigh of relief as Shino silently walked past him.

'_Oh, thank god… I don't know what I would've done if I'd have been picked-'_ Naruto's eyes widened. _'Oh, shit! Where's my stuff!'_ he grasped at his side, but his ninja pouch was gone. _'SHIT! I must have left it back at the hospital somehow…! And they don't allow people to leave and enter once the battles start, except for medics…. SHIT!' _

"First fight, between Aburame Shino and Kankuro… BEGIN!" Hayate chopped his hand downward. Shino tossed a pair of kunai at Kankuro, almost testing his reaction, which the boy dodged easily. Kankuro raced forward, arm cocked back in a punch. The punch connected with the boy's face… and passed straight through as Shino exploded into a cloud of bugs. The Kikai latched onto Kankuro and began draining him. Shino, who was atop the handseal statue, arched an eyebrow, as his Kikai were gaining no chakra. With a flash of insight, he waved his hand, and the Kikai raced towards junctions of the rapidly degrading puppet. Within seconds, the joints of Karasu were completely eaten through.

"ACK! SHIT!" Kankuro swore as he leaped out of the wrappings, staring with horror at the limp mess that was his puppet.

"My Kikai have eaten through the joints of your puppet. It is now all but useless." Shino declared in a monotone. "While it was a decent strategy, allowing me a chance to attack you and discover the technique was your downfall. Unless you have another puppet stored with you, I suggest you forfeit." Kankuro swore a bit more, before raising his hand.

"Proctor, I wish to forfeit." He said loudly. Hayate nodded.

"Winner, Aburame Shino!" he declared. The cloud of Kikai drifted back to Shino as he walked up the stairs. Kankuro, however, looked as though he were about to die as he rejoined his team.

"Look, Gaara, I'm sorry, I didn't know that this guy… was…" he began pleading for his life, before noticing something. Gaara wasn't even paying attention to him. "Eh… Gaara?"

"Shut up or I'll kill you." Gaara growled, silencing his nuisance as he refocused his hatred and loathing on Naruto. Kankuro felt bad for the blond bastard that had managed to tick Gaara off so much, but he thanked every god he knew that Naruto did tick him off, because now the puppet user got to live one more day.

Naruto, on the other hand, was panicking. _'Shiiit… where am I going to get weapons at a time like this…?'_ his eyes settled on Tenten. He raced forward. "Tenten, old buddy, old friend, old pal! Have I ever told you that you look absolutely gorgeous in that outfit?"

"Huh? Naruto?" Tenten looked over at the blond and sorta-student that had latched onto her. "What are you doing?"

"Heeey, Tenten, did I ever thank you for teaching me how to make my own explosive tags? "Cause that was REAL helpful to me, you have no idea!" Naruto schmoozed more, an idiotic grin on his face. "Hey, um, by the way, I kinda left all of my equipment back at the hospital, and they don't let people out while the tests are still going, so, you wouldn't happen-"

"To have an extra set of equipment for you to use for the test?" Tenten finished, finally understanding. She sighed. "Fine, I have a scroll that has all the stuff I didn't put into a technique. I'll loan you that, but you have to pay me back for all the stuff you use, got it?"

"YES!" Naruto cheered as he gratefully accepted the scroll. "Tenten, you are a goddess!"

"Whatever." The bun haired girl blew Naruto off.

"The second match is about to begin." Hayate declared as the screen began to randomize names. With a digital plink, it stopped. Naruto grinned when he saw his name. That grin dropped when he saw the other name. "Would Uzumaki Naruto and Kuroyama Arashi please step into the arena?" Hayate shouted. Arashi grinned psychotically as he leaped down.

"What a lucky break! It's not even the finals yet and I already get to slaughter the little punk! There are gods watching out for me!" Arashi boasted. Naruto whimpered as he trundled down the stairs.

"Gonna die, gonna die, gonna die…" he muttered. The two took up positions in the ring; Naruto, taking a Falcon Leg stance, and Arashi, simply standing there with a psychotic grin.

"BEGIN!" Hayate chopped his arm.

With a roar, Arashi cocked an arm and raced forward. Naruto whirled about and met the fist with a roundhouse kick. Arashi's eyes widened when he wasn't able to push him back.

"What…!" he exclaimed. Naruto grinned.

"Did you know fat-ass, that a person's legs are four times stronger than their arms?" he kicked off his arm and landed low to the ground, pulling a kunai out of Tenten's scroll. "Let's start this fight for real, yeah?"

"Fuck you!" Arashi roared as he began to run through seals.

"Oh, HELL NO!" Naruto shouted as he raced forward. "Like I'll let you finish that!" he threw the kunai, but Arashi dodged, still continuing the seals. "Walking the Branch!" Naruto yelled triying to sweep Arashi's legs with a low roundhouse kick, but he merely jumped over his legs, still continuing the seals. The blonde leaped up and brought a brutal axe kick down on Arashi's shoulders, finally breaking his momentum. Arashi stumbled back, clutching his arm as Naruto grinned. "Gotcha! LEAP!" Naruto leapt with all his might and brought his legs into a spread eagle position. A few feet from Arashi's face, he snapped his legs together, with Arashi's face right between it. The mist Genin tried to dodge, but it wasn't enough. The double-kick would shatter his jaw on impact.

Until Arashi sucked in a deep breath. "Fuuton: Daitoppa!"he roared, blasting the wind technique point blank. Naruto had no time to dodge as he slammed into the wall of wind, getting pinned to the ceiling. With a crunch, Naruto belly flopped onto the hard stone floor.

"GAH!" Naruto exclaimed. He was certain he had bruised at least a couple of his newly-set ribs.

"You… you fucking leaf ninja…" Arashi growled as his set his shoulder with a wet 'POP!' "You think you're all better than the rest of us…" Naruto gasped as he tried to suck in a breath.

"You think you're all so high and mighty, better than the rest of us ninja, with your pansy-ass morality and accursed bloodlines…!" he hocked a wad of spit at Naruto's face, just as he was sucking in a breath. Thankfully, it missed, but that wasn't really the point. "You've been sitting around at the top, lounging on your fat asses so much you don't even know what being a ninja is anymore!" he pulled a hooked kunai from his pocket, swinging it through the air was a resounding shriek of the air.m"True Shinobi are devils! Feared and respected by the entire world!" he leaped at Naruto and swung the blade, a move that surely would have decapitated him if Naruto hadn't rolled out of the way. "They build themselves higher by the blood of their enemies, using their skulls for their skull thrones! They cut down all that stand in the way of their goals! And what do you konohans preach! That 'peace' and 'unity' and 'the will of fire' will save you all! That's PR bullshit! Your Will of Fire is nothing but a cheap marketing ploy!"

That did it. Naruto looked at Arashi with hatred. "PAUSE!" he spat. The world froze. "Game Mod!" the world flashed, and turned into dull grey tones. "That fucker…! That goddamn FUCKER!" Naruto roared as he plunged his kunai into Arashi massive stomach. "I'll teach you to disrespect Konoha! Unpause!" the world faded to color again, and Arashi's eyes widened at the blade in his belly.

"What…?" he fell backwards. Naruto turned away from him.

"Call it if he's not dead!" he shouted, hearing some gasps of shock from the crowds. He turned away, feeling a growing sense of self-disgust in his stomach for losing control like he did.

"Fuuton: Daitoppa!" a wall of wind even stronger than the first slammed Naruto face first into the wall. He was fairly certain that crack he heard was his nose.

"GAHH!" he screamed as he fell to the ground. He looked up to see Arashi, standing and seemingly nonplussed. "How the hell are you still standing…! I stabbed you all the way up to the hilt…!"

Arashi's face split with a psychotic grin that showed far too many teeth to be healthy. "You're right, ya damn Konoha faggot! You did stab me up to the hilt!" he pulled the kunai, still stuck in his gut, out violently, ripping his shirt open in the process. "Too bad this ain't my stomach!" he licked his pointer finger and stuck it in the open wound. Horrified, Naruto watched as he swirled the finger around in the wound, watching the Genin's stomach ripple and flow like it was soup. The flesh-like… whatever the hell it was flowed up his arm in a gruesome manner, revealing Arashi to not actually be fat at all, with a veritable wall of muscle hidden underneath.

"What the fuck are you, you damn monster!" Naruto screamed_. 'Fuckfuckfuck, what do I do now! I don't know what the hell this is…! Is it something like Gaara's sand armor? Is he a Jinchuuriki!'_

"This is Kureton, my very own element! My defense of clay is absolutely seal-less, and only needs tiny bit of chakra control!" the bulge on his arm spread across the rest of his body, flowing across his face like some sort of sludge monster. "Best of all, you can't hurt me with this! Now come on! Or was that little speed trick all you had!"

'_He has his own element? Does that mean that he's like Haku!' if this guy was anywhere near the skill of Haku, then Naruto was screwed. 'An ultimate defense like Gaara and an element like Haku…! My two worst enemies, together! Fuzz-butt, is my chakra fixed yet!'_

'_**No, you damn idiot! I'm still unblocking the clogs in your coils! I'm going as fast as I can, but I'm only half done! And with the way that you're getting thrown around, you're lucky I haven't screwed up yet!'**_

'_Come on! Just enough to make a Rasengan! This guy'll never see it coming!'_

'_**Did you hear ANYTHING of what I just said! You CAN'T get enough chakra to use that! And even if you did, if you used that, you'd end up strapped to the scar-man's interrogation table for the rest of your life!'**_

'Dammit!' Naruto jumped out of the way of a stretching fist of clay that slammed into the wall behind him. _'Is there ANY good news you can give me!'_

'_**And… THERE!'**_with a burst of pain, Naruto felt the familiar burn of demonic chakra churn in his stomach. _**'I cleared one of the main blockages! There's not nearly enough to use any kind of offensive techniques worth anything, and it'll hurt like a sonuvabitch when you use it, but you've got chakra now!'**_

"You Konoha pansy, you keep jumping around like some kinda rabbit!" Arashi cackled as he launched another fist of clay at Naruto. "Didn't your sensei ever teach you any Ninjutsu, little rabbit! Too bad! Because MINE DID!" he began flashing through hand signs at a massive rate. Whatever was coming, Naruto knew he wouldn't survive it.

"PAUSE!" he exclaimed, and the world stopped once more. Naruto dropped to the ground, panting. "Shit… what do I do now…? I'm almost completely without chakra, this guy's got an ultimate defense, and he's just about to use a fight-ending Jutsu. What do I do now…?" he sat for a minute, before snapping his fingers. "Hey! Maybe there's something in Tenten's scroll!" he swiped it with blood and rolled it out across the floor. What he found floored him.

"…damn. How many weapons does she HAVE!" he exclaimed. This was more than most small armies owned! And these were the ones that she DIDN'T put in a specialized technique! Naruto was terrified of the girl now. But it didn't change the fact that it was a gold mine of opportunity. "Okay, so, let's see… he's got that clay stuff as an armor, so blades and stuff won't work too well… what else do we have…" he picked up a moderately large carton and opened it. He nearly dropped it in shock.

"HOLY-" the thing was full to the brim with exploding tags! If that went off now, the entire arena would go up in flames! He was VERY careful as he set it down. Then, he had an idea. "…Hey, fuzz-butt."

'_**Yeah?'**_

"Do I have enough chakra flow for setting off an exploding tag?"

'… _**Damn! That's actually not a stupid plan! Insanely dangerous, but that's actually not stupid!'**_

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." Naruto muttered as he began plastering exploding tags all in specific areas around the arena.

'_**Yeah, you do have enough to set them off. But hell's brimstone, boy, be careful! You screw this up even a little, and everybody could blow up!'**_

"Yeah, don't I know it." he leaped up to the ceiling again and again, sticking another exploding tag each time. With that done, he finally turned to Arashi.

"Oh, I'm going to enjoy this." He began plastering exploding tags all over Arashi's body. When that was done, Naruto stood where he'd left tagless, and grinned. "Unpause!"

"Fuuton: Shinku Renpa!" Arashi screamed, five razor-sharp air blades racing at supersonic speeds to where Naruto used to be. If he'd been there, he would've been decapitated. But Naruto wasn't there.

"And boom!" Naruto slapped his hands together, and released the seals to the tags on Arashi's body. With a deafening boom, Arashi flew out to the side… into another arrangement of tags. These tags went off, sending Arashi flying into the ground, where yet another mat of explosives were. Like a human-sized pinball, the mist Genin flew up into the ceiling, where the last mat of tags was. Arashi slammed into the ground. The arena was full of black, acrid smoke, with the smell of burnt clay and charred flesh. The arena was dead silent, too shocked to say anything.

When the smoke cleared, Arashi was laying limply on the ground, scorching red pieces of his clay armor welded to his skin. The clay was baked hard, no longer in its fluid state. Naruto walked over to him, feeling his neck with his fingers. It was faint, but there was still a pulse. 'Whew. Good. I figured the clay stuff would protect him from dying, but it would've been bad if I accidentally killed him.' He planted his heel on Arashi's head, striking a (to him) very heroic pose.

"Uh… winner, Uzumaki Naruto!" Hayate said, more than a little shocked. Naruto strolled up to the balcony, a shit-eating grin on his face. Only when he was next to Kakashi did the unspeakably awful pain kick in. Naruto managed to keep from making any noise worse than a small squeak of agony, but his sensei still seemed to notice.

"Excellent job, Naruto. That was an impressive finish to the fight. I'm curious, though, why you didn't use any Jutsu." Kakashi said, snapping open his book once more. Naruto collapsed against the wall, clutching his stomach and trying to keep his voice level.

"My chakra's really screwed up from the forest of death, alright? Setting off exploding tags is probably the best I could do right now!" Kakashi arched an eyebrow.

"Really? I thought you would have healed from that already." He closed the book, giving it up as a lost cause. "So, why do you look like you just got kicked in the nuts?"

"I had to force the chakra out, even though it's all plugged up. It hurts more than you can possibly imagine." Naruto said through gritted teeth.

"Try me." Kakashi said, with an eyebrow raised.

"Ever been trapped in a clothes dryer when it's set on high?" Naruto asked_. 'That reminds me… I still need to find that fly ANBU guy and pay him back for death number 4… I'll have to figure out what is good payback. That one hurt like a sonuvabitch…'_

"No!" Kakashi exclaimed. "That sounds awful!"

"Yeah, well, this is a lot worse than that." And that was all Naruto was going to say on that.

Hayate cleared his throat.

"Now that we have Arashi stable in medical care, it's time for round three." He looked up at the computer, as it slammed to a halt on two names. "Would Nakamura Kagero and Hyuuga Neji please step into the arena?" The two leaped down into the arena. Kagero eyed the boy like a side of beef.

"Mmm…! You know, Hyuuga-kun, you're actually really cute…" Kagero said saucily. She winked and blew a kiss towards the stoic boy. "How about after this match, you and I go to… this place I know? I'll show what it's like to be with a real woma-"

"KILL THE BITCH DEAD, NEJI!" Tenten roared a razor-sharp sickle magically in hand as Gai and Lee held her back enough to keep her from jumping into the ring herself.

"Tenten-san, please don't! To murder somebody like that is most unyouthful!" Lee exclaimed.

Neji sweat dropped in anguish.

"Is it that time of the month again or something…?" he muttered under his breath. He wondered once more why the only sane person on his team turned into a homicidal nut job once a month. He'd asked Gai about it, but he'd only said something about 'her youthfulness renewing itself in hopes of bringing more glorious youthfulness into the world', so he figured she got fed up with Gai's ramblings. "Then again, that was a week ago… so what's up with her now…?" Kagero flicked her wrist, and a wicked-looking knife slid from her sleeve to her hand. It looked to be about ten inches long, and made from some black material. It was split down the middle, however, and seemed to have a wire on the knife's hilt going back up her sleeve. Neji settled into a traditional jyuuken stance. "It is your fate to lose today, Kirigakure scum." He spoke, looking with contempt at the chipper opponent.

"We'll see!" Kagero chirped happily.

"Begin!" Hayate exclaimed.

* * *

And now, a word from the Beta-reader/Co-writer:

Sorry about the wait. We had a few clerical errors with this story (read: accidentally deleting all our shit), and then collective writer's block stopped us from writing it all again. It won't happen again. Back to you, Majin.

Yeah sorry but this is mostly the Dude's fault for losing the data for the fifth time. Okay some of you may complain about Naruto becoming a god with pause and game mod. My response is think harder I've already solved the issue there are ways to beat time stopper and remember this is set in a videogame think about that. Okay this is still harem Hinata's just the first one okay this was a response to Cannon Naruto's screw up of completely ignoring Hinata after she saved his life from Pein. The avatar change is coming alright.

One last thing a cookie to the reviewer who can guess the next match after Kagero and Neji.

This is Majin Hentai X Signing out.

Good night and thank you for not reading yaoi.


	14. Ten More Battles Still to Fight

Majin Hentai X proudly presents chapter 14.

I own nothing.

"Normal Speech." "Must be careful one false move and the city will ignite." MHX whispers to himself tiptoeing through the alleys of the Juuban ward.

'_Thougts' 'I just have to find that bishy freak and crush him.'_ MHX thought suppressing his power and trying to hunt down his arch-nemesis.

Techniques being used "Hentai Pulse." MHX whispered sending out a pulse of perverted intent across the ward.

After a few minutes the battle cry of "In the name of the moon I will punish you." Was heard in the empty park the five inner senshi appearing.

MHX gave a grin that would do the late Ichimaru Gin proud. "OH I've wanted to do this for a long time." Cracking all his joints the author leapt into battle against the magical girls.

* * *

Chapter 14: Ten More Battles Still to Fight

* * *

"Begin!" Hayate cried out.

Neji was the first to attack, opening with a flurry of jyuuken strikes. Kagero giggled as she leapt past the attacks, bouncing around like a giddy schoolgirl. Neji tried to keep his face impassive as he chased after her with increasingly fast strikes; Kagero avoided them all easily.

"Aww, Hyuuga-san~!" Kagero cooed. "You're so sweet! You're going easy on me because I'm a beautiful woman~! Such a cutie, you are!" Neji kept his face impassive as he lunged at her heart. She danced away, smiling benignly. "You really don't need to, though. I'm a lot stronger than I look~!" she licked her lips seductively.

"Shut up, trash." Neji stated with finality as he, with a flash of seals, he activated his Byakugan.

* * *

"And, that's it." Kakashi stated, barely looking up from his book. "That girl of yours has bit it." Ginko arched an eyebrow.

"Oh? Is that so?" he asked in a monotone.

"Yeah. I won't say that I've been keeping an especially discerning eye on Neji in his time with Gai, but I've heard enough about him from his teacher's boasting to know that once he's got his Byakugan activated, it's all over. He wasn't the rookie of the year for nothing, you know." Kakashi finally put all of his attention back in his book as Gai began raving about Neji's abundant youth. Ginko just secretly smirked.

"Rookie of the year… Mm-hm-hm-hm… and what is that supposed to mean to us…?" Ginko said with a shrug.

* * *

"It is your fate to lose this fight, Kirigakure scum." Neji stated with finality. Kagero kept smiling, although with a bit less enthusiasm, as she whirled around in a roundhouse kick. Neji barely had time to widen his eyes before the blow caught him in the neck, knocking him to the ground.

'_What the!' _Neji thought, shocked. _'That kick was even stronger than Lee's! There's no way that she's a Genin!' _Kagero lifted her stiletto-clad foot above Neji's head, and flexed her toe. The heel retracted into itself, revealing a menacing metal spike on the inside. She slammed the spiked down at Neji's face, and as he rolled out of the way, the blow shattered the rock where his head was a second ago.

"Hmm… well, this is disappointing." Kagero frowned, flexing her other foot, changing the other foot's heel into a metal spike. "I guess you weren't actually holding back. This is really as strong as you are. And here I was, thinking the Hyuuga were the cream of the crop in Konoha. Maybe I should hunt down that blond kid later… he has to be pretty good to beat Arashi." Neji snarled. That was the final straw.

"I am stronger than that dead-last!" he snarled as he rushed forward, striking at Kagero's head. She dodged just as easily as she did before, frowning disappointed.

"Okay, now I'm getting bored." She pulled out her strange-looking blades and whipped one at Neji's head. With a widening of eyes and a flash of seals, a chunk of debris replaced itself with Neji. Kagero blinked. "Huh. That's weird. I thought the Hyuuga didn't use Jutsu." She shrugged, as she yanked the blade back into her hand by the attached wire. "Oh, well. You're still disappointing me." The perky girl closed the distance between them in seconds and jabbed at him. Neji, panicked, knocked all the strikes aside and thrust back with Jyuuken strikes. "Come on, this is just sad! Are the Hyuuga really so high-and-mighty if this guy can't even- OOF!" Kagero's rant was cut off as a jyuuken strike found its way to her diaphragm.

"Shut up, trash! The Hyuuga clan is superior!" Neji growled, feeling angrier than he had felt in a long time.

"Phoo…" Kagero breathed out slowly, putting a hand to her stomach. "Wow. You've got some bite to ya, Hyuuga boy! A few more hits like that, and you'd probably rupture something in me!" she then stood and winked, striking a suggestive pose. "Unless, of course, there's something about me you'd like to _rupture_~!"

"KILL THE BITCH DEAD! KILL THE BITCH DEAD! KILL THE BITCH DEAD!" Tenten screamed. To his credit, Neji didn't even blink at the psychological attack.

"You are a foreigner, and I am a Hyuuga, the elite. I will always tower above you, the unreachable behemoth that will seal your fate for all eternity!" Neji roared as he charged forward.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Sheesh, get one good hit in and it goes to his head. Men…" Kagero grumbled as Neji struck at her head. "You really should watch where you put those hands, though. They make delectable targets!" with a burst of speed, Kagero slashed Neji's wrists open with the left side of her right blade.

"AGH!" Neji screamed as he stumbled back.

"Bulls-eye~~!" Kagero cheered, jumping up giddily.

* * *

"Hah. NOW it's finished." Ginko chuckled humorlessly. Kakashi looked up at Ginko.

"Huh?" Kakashi asked.

"It's finished. There's no way that that boy will win, now that she's sliced him."

"Oh, really?" said Kakashi, somewhat intrigued.

"Yes. It's because of who she is. Who she was molded into. Who I molded her into." Ginko said with pride taking a deep drag of his cigar.

* * *

Neji grunted and tore a strip from his shirt, attempting to stem the blood flow. Kagero giggled. "It won't do you any good, you know~! You're still gonna lose!"

"Shut up… trash…" Neji growled, suddenly getting an intense feeling of vertigo. "What the…?" Kagero giggled again.

"Ooh, it's a fast-acting one! That's neat! I always love when those ones work right~!"

* * *

"Oh? And who did you mold her into?" Kakashi asked. Ginko chuckled.

"Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm. You from Konoha, you all train to be ninja, fighting in peace-time. With no war raging about you, you feel no need for specialization, so you focus on everything. Training your recruits to be Jacks-Of-All-Trades, but Masters of none. You train them to be Ninja."

"And you do it differently, in Kiri?" Kakashi asked.

"Yes. With the civil war raging about us, we are constantly fighting. Those of us who are chosen to be the forces of the Mizukage, we are suckled by blood, forged by death, and tempered by fire. In Kiri, the only time you can be considered a Genin is when you have killed at least five of the rebel forces in combat. We specialize our troops, almost to the exclusion of all other disciplines. In Konoha, she may have been trained to be a Ninja."

"In Kiri, we trained her to be an Assassin."

* * *

"What… what did you do to me…?" Neji moaned, stumbling in place. Kagero lifted up her right sleeve, revealing a plethora of small vials, each with vividly-colored contents, attached to the base of the wire. Her finger traced the side of the blade that cut Neji up to a slightly drained yellow-tinted vial.

"Ooh~! Fast-acting Suna King Cobra venom! That's neat~!" Kagero cooed. "That's the one that causes paralysis once it hits the blood stream, and stops the heart once it fully circulates! That's some nasty stuff you've got in you!"

"Poison…!" Neji groaned. Kagero then tapped her chin.

"But… sensei said that if we killed anybody, the Konoha officials would get mad at us… hmm… Oh! That's right! You can stop the spread if an electric current is applied!" Kagero rushed inside Neji's flimsy defense, giggling as she placed a hand to his chest. "Nighty-night, big boy~~! Raiton: Jinteki no Jutsu!" Neji screamed as the deadly electricity surged through his body.

"NEJIIII!" Tenten screamed, tears welling in her eyes. Lee gritted his teeth and stood silently as his rival was tortured. The banister violently cracked underneath the grip of his hands.

"Call the match now, Hayate!" Gai roared. Hayate nodded and gestured violently at the girl. Kagero pouted and pulled her hand away, breaking the circuit.

"Jeez… I save the guy's life, and they bitch at me… If I let the guy die, they bitch at me more. You Konoha people are real hypocrites, ya know that?" Neji simply stood there, his muscles locked in place with the lingering electric currents. The medical team gently rolled him onto a stretcher and carted him away. Kagero shrugged. "Oh well~! I won, sensei~!" she exclaimed giddily, bouncy once more as she raced up the stairs.

'_Jeez… she's scary as hell…'_ Naruto pondered. Then a thought came to him, with rather terrifying connotations. _'Wait… if she's on the same team as Arashi… then that would mean that they're roughly around the same strength… then if I'd fought that guy without any of The Videogame's help…'_ with a shudder, the blonde realized just how lucky he really was that he survived his fight with all his limbs and bodily functions intact.

* * *

Meanwhile, the computer finished flipping through the names.

"Would Rock Lee and Akado Yoroi please enter the arena?" Lee jumped down from his ledge, his eyes filled with an unfocused anger as he took his favored Strong Fist stance. Yoroi merely stood in place, adjusting his glasses. Hayate nodded, coughed, and chopped his hand down.

"Begin!"

"Let's hope you fight better than your teammate." Yoroi sneered, discretely gathering chakra into his hand.

"Do not spoil this fight with your unyouthful banter." Lee glared at Yoroi as he began mumbling under his breath. "If I cannot win this fight, then I will do 10,000 push-ups, if I cannot do that then I will run 100 laps around Konoha on my hands, if I cannot do that…"

"Damn. Fuzzy-brows must be angry as hell." Naruto commented to Tenten, who was standing next to him now. "He usually shouts his mantra at the top of his lungs. He only mumbles when he's really pissed." Tenten nodded worriedly.

"I know. The only time I've ever seen him this angry is when Neji rejected his first declaration of rivalry. He nearly leveled half the forest afterwards in training."

Now fully charged, Yoroi lashed out, swinging his hand straight at Lee's face. He dodged easily as he looked for an opening; there was none, however, that would keep him out of the mysterious Jutsu's range. One thing that Gai had pounded into his head was that the only Jutsu you avoided above all else, was a Jutsu you didn't know the effects of. So Lee kept dodging, until Yoroi overextended his reach, leaving his ribs exposed.

In an orange flash, Lee's leg slammed into Yoroi's left side. The wind knocked out of him, the bright glow disappeared from Yoroi's hands. Lee then jabbed his fingers straight into the Genin's sternum, before closing his open hand into a fist, striking him yet again. Lee's elbow then slammed into the place his fist had just left, before a reverse swipe kick pounded the same battered point once more, slamming Yoroi onto his back.

"Yeesh…" Naruto grimaced. "That combo is nasty. I would know, I was the training dummy he perfected it on." Tenten only nodded in agreement.

"Get up." Lee commanded in an uncharacteristically angry tone. "You're not done yet." Yoroi simply lay there, unmoving… before his body disappeared with a 'poof!' revealing a rock. Lee whirled around searching for him, before the rock turned back into Yoroi and locked Lee in a full nelson.

"Gotcha now, ugly." Yoroi leered. "Dontcha just love psyche-outs?" his hand glowing bright blue again, Yoroi dug his fingers into Lee's hair. Lee tensed and screamed soundlessly, but Yoroi's eyes widened as the drain of chakra never happened.

"Crap! Genjutsu!" Yoroi leaped back. "Kai!" nothing happened. Lee stumbled in place, arms limp. "Kai!" Yoroi tried once again as he looked around for signs of Genjutsu dispelling; he saw nothing except Lee's foot caving in his face. That face, however, transformed into a log, so the point was moot. Yoroi glared at Lee as he pulled a kunai from his pocket. "Bastard… where are you? How is your Genjutsu this strong?"

"My youthfulness does not require the use of Genjutsu," Lee growled. "As I am without the use of any chakra!" Lee also pulled a kunai from his legwarmers and locked steel with Yoroi.

"Hey, Tenten…" Naruto began, glancing at the match with a small amount of curiosity. "Is it just me, or does it seem like Lee's going faster and stronger after Yoroi did whatever it was to him?" Tenten blinked, and glanced down at the match.

"Hmm… you know, you're right!" said Tenten. "He's moving much faster than I've ever seen him go while he's still got his weights on. It's not as fast as he could go with them OFF, but still…!"

The two stood there, locked in a power struggle, for what felt like ages. Lee, finally remembering he had two arms, reached into his leg warmers and pulled out another kunai. Before Yoroi could even react, Lee slashed across the spectacled boy's wrist, making the Genin drop his kunai in the process. As Yoroi stumbled back, trying to stem the bleeding, Lee took another stance sans kunai.

"Do you yield?" Hayate asked. Yoroi shook his head once in denial as he charged forward. Lee sighed.

"I will applaud your youthfulness, but you have already lost."

"SHUT UP!" Yoroi roared as he slashed through Lee, only to find it was an after-image.

"Shadow of the Dancing Leaf," Lee whispered, suddenly blurring into existence behind Yoroi with both his arms drawn back, "Double Palm Strike!" his arms shot forward into his unprotected back. Several loud snaps were heard as Yoroi fell forward, blood leaking from his mouth. Lee jerked back. "I did not think I hit him that hard!" he exclaimed. Hayate strolled over to Yoroi and placed a finger to his neck.

"He's still alive, though he won't be out of the hospital for quite some time." The proctor then coughed as he held Lee's arm aloft. "Winner, by knock out, Rock Lee!" Lee ran up to the balcony again, not as happy as Naruto would have thought he would be, but still quite ecstatic.

"I won, Gai-sensei!" Lee cheered.

"Lee! My darling little student!" Gai roared, clutching him in a bone-breaking hug. Naruto had experienced this situation enough times to simply close his eyes, figuring that anybody who was smart would do the same. The strange, mind-breaking Genjutsu began once again, scarring everybody who was looking at them. Sasuke, who had just walked in with his Sharingan inexplicably activated, took it full blast. He fell to the ground, foam leaking from the mouth; after all, one person's mind could only handle one Genjutsu-inflicted hell and remain intact. Two was just cruel.

"I think we broke Sasuke!" Naruto shouted, once the man-hugs were done. The medical team rushed out once again and dragged him back to the medical wing. The Sandaime slapped out the ashes from his pipe that were smoldering on his beard.

"I really should bring those two to Ibiki someday… he would love to put those two to work for him…" he muttered to himself. Everybody else was simply too dumbfounded to care.

* * *

"ER-HEM!" Hayate grunted, drawing attention somewhat back to him and the unmoving computer. Of course, such a strange grunt sent him into another coughing fit. "Would Abumi Zaku and Sabaku no Temari please step into the arena?" he managed around his coughs.

"So, I get to beat the sand bitch, eh? This oughta be fun!" Zaku leered as he cracked his neck and rolled his shoulders. Temari simply rolled her eyes and flicked her fan open.

"I don't even have to deal with the three moons for you. This will be over in two seconds."

"Begin!" Hayate shouted. Zaku whipped his arms up with a snap.

"Zankuha!" the super-compressed stream of air blasted out. Temari rolled out of the way and pulled out her fan.

"Futon: Kamaitachi No Jutsu." She stated calmly as the gust of bladed wind flew from her fan. Zaku merely smirked and brought his arms back up.

"Zankuha!" the air shot out, countering the gust. "HA! Might as well give up, sandy! My arms can block any move your fancy little fan could possibly do! I'm your natural enemy!"

"Stop bluffing, you twit. I've already beaten you." Temari scoffed. Zaku's face twisted into an ugly expression off rage. "Futon: Daikamaitachi No Jutsu!" Temari exclaimed as she unleashed a whirling vortex of slashing winds.

"You bitch! Zankukyokuha!" Zaku roared as he lifted his left arm and blasted the vortex. Its power was halved, as he was only using one arm for it, but it served its purpose of blocking. He lifted his right arm and smirked. "Zankuha!" the blast of air aimed not at Temari, but at the wall, sent Zaku sliding in a semi-circle around Temari's defenses, ending up right behind her. As the girl's eyes widened in shock, Zaku swung both his arms together for his most powerful attack yet. "ZANKUKYOKUHA!" he roared, blasting straight into Temari.

"Shit! KAZE FUIN!" Temari whipped around and ran a bloody thumb across all three purple moons as she held out the fan as a shield. The Jutsu was sucked into the hidden seal like water down a drain. Naruto's and Zaku's eyes widened.

"Whoa. I didn't know she could do that…" the blonde boy whispered. Temari smirked at Zaku's gob-smacked expression.

"You, you bitch! What did you do?" Zaku shouted.

"I don't particularly like using this technique, as it's a one-use seal, but I find it's incredibly useful where it applies. You've lost." She swiped her thumb in the reverse across the moons once again, then swung the fan. "KAI!" the full power of the Zankukyokuha, along with Temari's strongest Daikamaitachi, roared out of the seal with the rage of a natural disaster. Zaku screamed as he was bodily slammed into the wall, creating quite an impressive crater around him as miniscule knives nicked across his skin. As the technique died down, he fell to the ground, bloody and unconscious. Hayate poked Zaku's body with his toe to check if he was still breathing, before lifting Temari's hand above her head.

"Winner by knock out, Sabaku no Temari!" Temari smirked and sauntered back up into the stands. Naruto made a note to get that freakin' awesome seal from her at some point in time. Hayate looked up at the computer, stifling a cough as the lights drew still. "Would Nara Shikamaru and Tsurugi Misumi please step down to the arena?" he managed to finish the sentence before breaking into a coughing fit.

"Mendokuse… couldn't I have gone last?" Shikamaru whined as he took a deliberately slow pace. Misumi mere stood at the center of the ring, licking his lips and looking distinctly like some sort of serial killer.

"Begin!" Hayate shouted.

"Hey, you… you don't mind if I forfeit right away, do you?" Shikamaru asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. Misumi looked fairly insulted.

"Yes, I would mind! I want to make somebody bleed today!" he exclaimed.

Shikamaru shrugged and turned to Hayate. "Proctor, I wish to-"

"SHIKAMARU, IF YOU FORFEIT, I'LL TELL YOUR MOM ALL ABOUT IT!" Ino screamed as loud as she could.

"alrightthenlet'smakethisquickshallwe?" Shikamaru said in one fast breath. Before misumi could even blink, Shikamaru had reached into his pocket and whipped a pair of shuriken at his opponent's face. Misumi simply bent his head impossibly far back to dodge. Shikamaru's eyebrows shot up.

"What do you think of this, eh?" Misumi bragged, contorting his body to various other impossible poses. "Terrifying, eh?"

"More like idiotic." Shikamaru drawled, hands in a familiar seal. "Kagemane no Jutsu, success. Don't ever try and show off in a serious fight." With that, Shikamaru backed up until Misumi was up against the wall, and slammed his head backwards. The genius himself was unharmed, as he had no wall at his back, but Misumi was out like a cheap light bulb.

"Winner…" Hayate trailed off into a coughing fit. "Winner, by knockout, is Nara Shikamaru!" Shikamaru merely sighed and walked back up into the stands as the computer flashed once more.

"Would Inuzuka Kiba and Sabaku no Gaara please step down to the ring?" Naruto's eyes jerked wide open.

'_Holy SHIT!_' he raced over to Kiba, who looked worried as all hell. "Kiba, buddy, listen to me man! You gotta forfeit RIGHT NOW. This guy, Gaara, he's way out of your league. Hell, he's out of most of the Jounin's league! He'll kill you and not even blink about it! You gotta forfeit, man!" Kiba looked at Naruto, biting his lip in worry. Akamaru whined at Kiba, seemingly echoing Naruto's statements.

"I…" Kiba began, before shaking his head. "Who the hell do you think I am, Naruto! You're telling me to chicken out of a fight! Inuzuka Kiba doesn't back down!" The Inuzuka heir declared. Naruto wanted to scream that Kiba would get slaughtered, but managed to hold back.

"Alright, fine. You go down there and… do whatever you need to do. But Kiba, please, promise me this. Promise me, that if you EVER get trapped by his sand, in any way what-so-ever, whether it's just a foot or your whole body, you'll forfeit then and there. If you don't, he'll grind you into paste." Kiba gulped, but nodded. With a final worried glance at the stands, Kiba ran to the arena.

"Will you be the one to validate my existence?" Gaara whispered menacingly, so that only Kiba could hear. Gaara knew, however, that this wouldn't be true. The only one who would prove his worth, the one whose blood mother was screaming for, was the blond staring a hole in his head.

Hayate glanced worriedly at the two. He had heard what Naruto was saying up in the stands, and if even half the conviction Naruto had placed in Gaara's abilities was true, he worried about being able to safely end the match. He had no doubt about being able to stop them; after all, no matter how powerful a Genin he was, a Jounin was his superior for a reason. But to stop them while both were still in one piece… With a small shred of hesitation, Hayate chopped his hand forward.

"Begin!"

Kiba quickly tossed a smoke bomb at the ground, obscuring Gaara's sight as he leapt out of his range. Gaara simply stood there, staring a hole in the smokescreen.

'_Shit… this is bad. Naruto might've been right. If I attack him head on like I would normally do, I'll just get turned into pulp like those guys from rain. Though, I haven't been swarmed by sand yet, so, maybe he needs to see his opponent to attack them…?'_ Quickly tossing down another smoke bomb to maintain his cover, Kiba ran through hand seals.

"Here we go, Akamaru!" Kiba whispered. "Shiyaku no Jutsu!" he dropped to the ground, his inherent feral traits growing much more pronounced. He silently loped around where he smelt Gaara to be, tracking him easily by his unmistakable scent; the scent of blood, sand, and something else. Kiba didn't know what the last scent was, but he could tell it was something powerful, something ancient, and, strangely enough, something vaguely familiar. "TSUGA!" Kiba roared as turned into a whirling whirlwind of claws, fangs and chakra. He careened towards Gaara's unprotected back like a wildly spinning drill, only to slam violently into a wall of sand, stopping dead in his charge.

"Is that all you have?" Gaara asked quietly. Kiba panicked and chucked a smoke bomb straight into the killer's face, allowing him enough time to escape from the death trap. With a good distance between them and the cover of smoke hiding him, Kiba allowed himself to breath, heavily shaken by the ease the boy had stopped one of his most powerful attacks. Akamaru whined at him repeatedly, trembling in fear.

"Okay, okay, I get it." Kiba whispered to the dog. "I'm too damn proud, I should have surrendered right away, Naruto was right, you were right, I get the point. But let's get at least one good hit on him before we pull out, A'ight? Let's show them that the Inuzuka are fighters to the end!" Akamaru whined once more, but reluctantly nodded. Kiba popped his partner a soldier pill, and the dog turned bright red, growling at the influx of chakra. "Let's do this, Akamaru, Juujin Bunshin no Jutsu!" The dog transformed into another feral Kiba. The two leapt out of the smoke. "GATSUGA!" the two living drills crashed into the sand shield. When Gaara pushed them away with a simple wave of his hand, the drills simply bounced back off the floor and struck at a different angle. And so it continued, until Gaara's brow furrowed. For those that knew him, that was one of the few signals that the emotionless killer was becoming irritated.

"Enough." He snapped as he raised both hands, covering the immediate area around him with sand. When boy and dog hit the ground, the shifting ground threw their momentum off slightly, giving Gaara all the advantage he needed to cocoon the two into a casing of sand. Naruto's warning echoed in his mind, and Kiba panicked.

"SHIT! Proctor, I surrender! I give up! Get me out of here!" Kiba struggled mightily, trying to escape. Hayate coughed and chopped a hand to Gaara.

"Winner by surrender, Subaku no Gaara!" Gaara continued to stare intensely at the pair, still levitating them off the ground. "Subaku no Gaara, the match is over! Cancel your Jutsu!" Gaara ignored him. "Subaku no Gaara, cancel your Jutsu, or by the will of the Hokage, I am authorized to use lethal force against you!" the muscles in Gaara's hands tightened.

"Suiton: Shigure no Jutsu!" the Sandaime called out, exhaling a cloud of grey mist which quickly expanded into a torrential downpour that drenched the entire arena. Kiba and Akamaru, with a little more effort, were able to break free of the now-soggy sand cocoon. His good deed done, the old man looked to Baki; the sand Jounin nodded in understanding. As Kiba and his dog scrambled up to the balcony, obviously heavily shaken by his effortless loss, Naruto was gripping the railing so tightly it warped under his hands.

'_Close… that was too close…! I need to learn some water Jutsu, and fast! If the old man didn't know how to stop Gaara, I could have lost another friend…!'_ Gaara simply stood there as his sand sluggishly returned to him. As it finished clustering in his gourd, he turned and walked back up to the balcony. Once repositioned, he turned to Naruto and glowered with increased hatred.

The board flashed once again through the names, until…

* * *

"Would Hyuuga Hinata and Haruno Sakura please enter the arena?" Hayate choked out around constricted lungs. Naruto face-palmed.

"God dammit…" he grumbled. "This is a case of manslaughter in the making… if I cheer for Hinata like a good boyfriend, Sakura will bludgeon me to death. If I cheer for Sakura like a good teammate, Hinata will feel bad, and she has enough self-confidence issues as it is; I'd probably be the biggest douche-bag on the planet, too. If I cheer for neither, then Sakura will bludgeon me AND Hinata will feel bad. Worst. Matchup. Ever."

Meanwhile, while Naruto was pulling his hair out in frustration, the two girls had entered the ring. 'Alright. I can do this.' Sakura thought to herself as she settled into a standard academy stance. _'I can beat Hinata. She's still injured from the forest of death, and she's too timid to try and hurt a comrade. I can win this, and then Sasuke-kun will be so impressed with me!'_ she rather pointedly ignored the fact that Hinata had stood her own against one of the strongest missing-nin Konoha had ever produced.

Hinata had formed a somewhat shaky Jyuuken style. She was somewhat emboldened by the good dream she's had earlier in the day (after all, any dream where Naruto becomes her boyfriend is automatically a good dream!), but worries still clouded her thoughts. _'What should I do…? I… I know I can beat Sakura… her academy scores in Taijutsu and Ninjutsu… weren't too good, so, I could beat her in a fight… but… if I beat Sakura… will Naruto hate me…?'_ Hinata questioned herself her confidence wavering.

"Begin!" Hayate cried, before blurring away. Sakura started the fight by throwing a kunai at the Hyuuga, which Hinata dodged rather easily. The shy girl retaliated by lashing out with a few jyuuken strikes. Sakura dodged by the skin of her teeth.

Meanwhile, Naruto turned to another for ideas. "Yo, Kakashi-sensei! I've got a problem for you!" Kakashi looked up from his book _'he's not even paying attention to Sakura's match!'_ and focused on Naruto. "So, uh, if you had to choose between cheering on your teammate and your girlfriend, who would you choose?" Kakashi's eyebrow rose.

"Hinata's your girlfriend? Since when?"

"Since like, this morning."

"Wow. You certainly work fast. Unfortunately, I can't help you there. I've had a lot of teammates, but I've never had a girlfriend." Naruto face-palmed.

"…why does that not surprise me…?" Naruto grumbled.

Sakura tried to swipe Hinata's legs from beneath her, but Hinata merely jumped over her and the she delivered a forceful palm strike to her chest, knocking the pinkette back. She growled in response and threw a handful of kunai and shuriken at Hinata. The Hyuuga girl dodged, and began to close in.

"Haah… damn, what to do…!" Naruto growled. And then, his solution walked in from the medical wing. "Sasuke, my man, my buddy, my pal!" he grinned as he loped towards Sasuke. But then, an odd sight slowed him. "Uh… Sasuke, why do you have your Sharingan on?" Sasuke blinked dazedly.

"Huh…? I have my Sharingan on?" He waved a hand in front of his face. "Whoa… cool." Naruto blinked, before shrugging. Sasuke acting weird probably had something to do with getting blasted with the man-hug Genjutsu.

"So, Sasuke, gotta favor to ask ya! Would you cheer for Sakura for me?" the Uchiha boy blinked.

"Sakura…? Why would I do that?" Sasuke asked his Sharingan spinning backwards.

"Because as designated punching bag on this team, if one of us doesn't cheer for her. I'll get my kidneys ripped out through my nostrils! And I rather like my organs where they are, thank you very much!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Well, why can't you do it?" Sasuke asked, though a second after the words left his mouth, his face lit up in understanding. "So you figured it out."

"Figured what out?"

"That Hinata digs you." Sasuke said plainly, shocking Naruto.

"How do you know about that?"

"Dude… I've practically got the entire class drooling over me. I'm gonna notice when one girl out of a dozen isn't making googly eyes at me." Sasuke tapped his chin in thought. "Though, for a while I actually thought she was a lesbian…" those words sent Naruto's mind plummeting straight into the gutters.

"BUH…! GUH…!" Naruto's face lit up like a tomato as various different naughty images of Hinata and other girls flooded his mind. He had no doubt the fox was behind more than half of them.

"Yeah… weird, right? But then, I noticed her stalking you home one day, so, she's not a lesbian, she's just weird." Sasuke finished with a decisive nod.

"Erm…" okay, Sasuke wasn't just a little weird right now, he was a LOT weird! "Um, why are you acting so… open, right now?"

"Oh, um… what were we talking about again?"

"Why you're acting weird."

"OOOOOH! Well, the nurse, she, she, this doctor came by, he made make all these funny noises, like, 'stop' and 'not here, wait until we're home' and 'oooh, lower, Tenchi-kun!' and stuff, and, and, she forgot to turn off the flow of morphine they had me on. So… um… yeah! I'm really buzzed right now." Sasuke finished his rambling explanation.

'…_note to self: Sasuke is kinda awesome when he's high._' Naruto thought with awe.

"So… uh, who's Sakura again?"

"…your teammate. The pink-haired one."

"OOOOOH! I remember her! The one with the big forehead!"

"…don't let her hear you say that…" Naruto warned getting a flashback of his first concussion.

'_Crap!'_ Sakura screamed internally as she dodged one jyuuken strike after another. Her legs were shouting at her to give up, and only the thought of Hinata rupturing her various vital organs kept her moving. _'Since when did Hinata get so fast! She used to hate fighting, so how is it that she's beating me!'_ she mis-stepped. Hinata's hand shot out. Pain blossomed in Sakura's stomach as blood flew from her mouth.

"EEK!" Hinata squeaked. "I-I-I-I-I'm s-sorry! I didn't m-m-mean to do Th-that!" Sakura fell to a knee, clutching her stomach and coughing up blood. "U-um… sa-Sakura… m-maybe you sh-should give up… Th-that looks b-b-bad, and I d-d-don't want to h-hurt you more…" she stuttered nervously, twiddling her pointer fingers. Sakura very dearly wanted to take her up on her offer. She began to raise her hand…

And then, something happened that made the very universe wince in its unnatural-ness.

"WOO-HOO! GO SAKURA! KICK HER ASS!" Sasuke whooped, staring right at Hinata as he cheered. Nonetheless, despite his doped-up blunder, Sakura felt something shift in her heart.

"sa-Sasuke-kun…" she whispered, her face lifting up in a bright red haze. But then, she shifted the grip of her kunai, a strange light entering her eyes. "Sasuke-kun… is cheering for me… Sasuke-kun is cheering for me… I can't let him down…"

"Uh…" Naruto began. "Sasuke… is it just me, or does something seem off with Sakura?"

"Hello, Mr. Heffalump. Would you please bow to the maharajah of CoccaPookaPeekaShire?" Sasuke said in a daze.

"I WON'T LET SASUKE-KUN DOWN!" Sakura screamed as she launched herself all the way across the room, shocking everybody there. She tackled a struggling Hinata to the ground as she began to stab at her face. Thankfully, Hinata was moving just enough to stop from being blinded, but the crazed pinkette simply gripped her under her chin. "You are an obstacle to my love with Sasuke!" Sakura screamed, a mad look about her. "And obstacles is for killing!" she raised the kunai above her hea-

* * *

"**What the hell did you do now!" **Rasu screamed as she punted a sleeping Susanoo in the head.

"**BWAAAAH! I'm awake, I'm awake!" **he shouted dazedly.

"**What the hell is going on down there! Something is wrong down there, so find out what it is and FIX IT!" **Rasu screeched.

"**ACK! What's going on? The Yandere Subroutine embedded in Sakura's base coding has activated! That's not supposed to even be possible in this avatar!" **he shouted, trying to fix the potentially major glitch, but the screen simply kept snow-crashing every time he entered a command.

"**What going on? Does it have something to do with the glitch?" **Rasu exclaimed.

"**I don't know, dammit! Shit, what do we do if this thing goes BSOD on us! Only dad can turn it on and off!" **Tsuku walked in, setting down a tray of drinks next to the screaming siblings, only for her eyes to open slightly.

"**Oh… so that's where my magnet went…" **she said softly as she plucked a small refrigerator magnet from the side of the terminal. Susanoo let of a whoop of victory as his fingers flew across the keyboard.

"**YES! I'm into the Multiverse Nexus! Hang on, I'll get this fixed up right away!" **that was when Rasu punted him in the head.

"**Like hell I'm letting you do this! You'd fall asleep halfway! I'm doing this myself!" **her fingers weren't as sure as Susanoo's, or as fast, but she knew enough about the system to do what she wanted.

* * *

"Winner, Hinata Hyuuga!" Hayate exclaimed. Naruto blinked as an expression that was equal parts confusion, joy and worry appeared on Hinata's face. Sakura walked up the ramp, dejected at her loss.

'_Huh…? What the hell just happened?'_ the last thing he remembered was Sakura going apeshit and being about carve Hinata like a jack-o-lantern, when it almost seemed like the world… Hiccupped, and then, Hinata won. _'Did I miss something…?'_ Sasuke patted the pinkette on the shoulder, a consoling look on his face.

"Don't worry, Sukaya, you'll win the next time." Sakura was too depressed to notice his doped-up blunder of her name, but it helped nonetheless. Sasuke then walked over to Naruto. "Alright, that'll be 500 ryo."

"Bwah!" Naruto exclaimed, before sighing. "Fine, fine. Here." He emptied Gama-Chan into Sasuke hand, and the Uchiha happily pocketed it and walked away, humming the Cucaracha under his breath. Naruto wept as he looked at his much-lighter wallet. 'Man… does it always suck so much to do the right thing…?'

'_**Yes. Yes it does.'**_The Kyuubi interjected suddenly. _**'You do way too much wishy-washy good-guy stuff to be healthy. So, do something that pushes the envelope once in a while! Plow the Hyuuga girl in the middle of the streets! Kick every dog that crosses your path! Tip a porta-john while some schlub is in it!'**_ Naruto snorted.

'_Heh… that last one actually sounded kinda- NO! NO! NO YOU DON'T! YOU CAN'T CORRUPT ME!'_ The Kyuubi just laughed maniacally and slunk back into his cage. After his rejection of the dark side, Naruto noticed Hinata staring at him with a small blush on her face. Naruto grinned and shot her a thumbs-up, which caused her to glow even brighter and look away.

"Would Kinuta Dosu…" Hayate trailed off into a coughing fit. "…and Yamanaka Ino please enter the arena?" the two walked down. "Hajime!" he chopped his hand down.

"Shintenshin no Ju-" Ino began, but a fist to the gut courtesy of Dosu ended that endeavor. He whispered something to her that only she could hear, and then a sharp ringing pain exploded in her ears. It was over.

"GUAH!" Ino exclaimed, falling to the ground, clutching her bleeding ears. Dosu walked away.

"It's over." He said loudly. "By bursting her ear drums, I've destroyed any sense of balance she has."

"Winner, Kinuta Dosu." Hayate shouted, secretly annoyed that another foreign ninja won. Ino looked at his moving lips with a growing sense of horror.

"SENSEI!" she screamed. "Sensei, I've gone deaf!" Asuma's eyes widened.

"MEDIC!" he shouted, as the healers lifted Ino by her arms and gently led her to the medical wing.

* * *

The board rolled yet again. Only six names remained.

"Would Tenten and Uchiha Sasuke please enter the arena?" Hayate said, amazingly without a coughing fit. The orphan and the scion entered the arena. "Hajime!" said, before descending into a terrible machine-gun cough.

"Hey. Tenten…" Sasuke looked at the girl. "You're not a fangirl, are you? I hope you're not a fangirl." Tenten's response was to chuck a shuriken as big as she was at the boy. Sasuke dodged easily. "Ooh, I get it! You're a Hyuuga fangirl! I see, I see… that explains why you're immune to my irresistible Uchiha charm…" he nodded to himself, as if he had solved one of life's great mysteries. A smile grew onto his face that just seemed inexplicably wrong.

* * *

Many, Many different dimensions away, Ma Kensei sneezed.

* * *

"Nobody calls me a fangirl and lives!" Tenten roared as she unrolled a scroll as large as she was, only dodge away in fear as a fireball careened straight towards her. What she missed, however, were the many smaller fireballs that followed right behind it. As there were too many to dodge, Tenten did the only thing she could do. She blocked with the scroll, and it went up in ashes.

"Whoa…!" Sasuke said, staring at his hands in amazement. "Awesome! So it's true! Shouting the technique at the top of your lungs DOESN'T make the attack stronger!" he whirled into Tenten's defenses and grabbed at her arms. After a brief struggle, Sasuke had her locked into a submission hold. "So… uh… what's the word I'm looking for… do you yield?"

Tenten glared at him and did the very first thing she was taught in kunoichi class. She whirled around and kicked Sasuke straight in the nuts. Sasuke, however, did not do what she expected and collapse to the ground screaming in pain. In fact, he barely even flinched.

"Ow."

* * *

Halfway across the world, Uchiha Madara collapsed to the ground screaming in pain, clutching at his suddenly incredibly painful crotch.

* * *

"What the hell! How did that not hurt you!" Tenten exclaimed.

"Well, uh… I'm kinda high on morphine right now, so, I can't really feel all too much. So, do you yi- is that a butterfly!" He suddenly shouted as he turned and followed the imaginary butterfly. Tenten blinked, before scowling and glaring at the proctor.

"You sent me an opponent that can barely even think straight, let alone fight because he's too doped out of his mind!" she shouted, loud enough that the stands could hear.

"Sasuke's high…?" Kakashi said questioningly.

"It was done by the medical team, so it is legal." Hayate said by way of explanation. Tenten growled and raced at Sasuke, intent on putting him out of her misery she was not expecting, however, was for Sasuke to whirl around at the exact right time and grab her breasts.

"Hee… honk honk." He giggled, giving them an experimental squeeze. Tenten's face lit up like a Christmas tree as she violently slapped him.

"PERVERT!" she screamed.

"TENTEN YOU SLUT! SASUKE-KUN BELONGS TO ME!" Sakura roared.

"Holy…! What the hell is Sasuke doing!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Huh… just another A-cup." Sasuke stared at his hand disappointedly, not even noticing the angry red handprint on his face, before shrugging. "Still, boobies are boobies are boobies."

"Shut up, you PERVERT!" Tenten screamed, still very much shaken by getting groped.

"But Ten-chaaaan…" Sasuke whined. "I wanna know what color your panties are!" he tapped his chin. "I bet Neji would know." He looked up at the stands. "HEY NEJI! WHAT COLOR ARE TENTEN'S PANTIES?" he blinked. "Oh, right… he's not here. Oh, well! I'll find out myself!"

"KAKASHI, HOW COULD YOU! Corrupting your innocent student with your unyouthful ways!" Gai roared at his rival.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll give him the talk later." Kakashi waved him off, still totally engrossed in his book.

"Holy shit… Sasuke is as bad as ero-sennin when he's high!" Naruto exclaimed. _'Scratch that, he's worse! Ero-sennin only peeps on girls; he doesn't actually molest them and stuff!'_

Tenten continued firing everything she had at Sasuke out of her rapidly dwindling ammo supply, but the Uchiha scion simply kept dodging. Unknown to him (but known to every kunoichi in the room) was the fact that sans the fact that he just wasn't going down, he was reenacting the Kunoichi rape awareness video that they had all gone through to the T. Tenten reached for a kunai… and found air. That split second delay was all that was needed for Sasuke to get into her defense and grab her by her shorts.

"I SURRENDER, I SURRENDER! JUST GET HIM OFF OF ME!" she screamed. Just as Sasuke was about to pants her, Hayate was behind him, yanking him violently off of her.

"WINNER…" Hayate growled, clearly enraged. "By surrender… and extreme perversion… Uchiha Sasuke!" he ground out. Naruto was down by Sasuke's side, trying to yank him away from the murderous glares of his previous opponent.

"UH, Sorry, people! Sasuke was in, uh, a little accident in the medical wing, so, he's kinda baked off his ass on morphine right now! If he was in his right mind, he would never even think about doing this stuff! C'mon, Sasuke, run away before all the chicks in the room try to slaughter you!" he hissed at Sasuke as he tried to yank him up the stairs.

"NO, MISTER WIGGUMS! DON'T EAT SIR POUNCE-A-LOT! What would the queen say!" Sasuke screamed hysterically as he tamely followed behind Naruto. As soon as he was on the balcony, though, he clutched his head. "Agh…! What the… I… I don't feel so good…" Sasuke's eyes rolled up into the back of his head, and he slumped to the ground bonelessly. The medical team appeared once more and dragged Sasuke away, though this time it was more to prevent his injury than to treat it; the kunoichi in the room were NOT happy.

* * *

"Would Kensei Mitsuhide and Yakushi Kabuto please enter the arena?" Hayate called out, still quite angry. The two met in the middle of the ring as Mitsuhide fingered his hilt. "Hajime!" with a speed that even the Jounins could barely follow, Mitsuhide carved a bloody X onto Kabuto's chest. The traitor fell to the ground as boy wiped his sword upon a white cloth.

"AGH! I… I surrender…" Kabuto whimpered in false pain as the wounds on his chest already began to close up.

"Winner…" Hayate trailed off into a coughing fit. "Winner, Kensei Mitsuhide!" the board flipped for the final time. "Akimichi Chouji and Tsuchi Kin, please enter the arena." The two walked down, Chouji fidgeting nervously.

"Hey, uh… could you surrender? I really don't feel too comfortable fighting a girl… with my fighting style, you could get really hurt…" He said, making his intentions known. Kin scoffed.

"So, the barrel of lard pretends to be a chivalrous knight! I think your girth will burst your tin suit, instead!" she laughed. Chouji's eyes began twitching dangerously.

"What… did you call me…?" He whispered the hereditary berserk button of his clan had been tapped.

"I name you portly, I name you rotund, I name you FATSO." Kin leered smashing Chouji's berserk button with a verbal sledge hammer.

"GROOOOAAAAAAAH!" Chouji roared. "I'M NOT FAT! I'M BIG-BONED!" he flipped through hand seals at an astonishing rate. "BAIKA NO JUTSU!" his body exploded outward. "NIKUDAN SENSHA!" Retracting his head and limbs into the boulder of bulk, he roared forward. Before Kin could even blink at his abrupt change in demeanor, she was flattened into the ground.

As her limbs stood at unnatural angles, twitching randomly, Chouji bounced off the wall and turned around. As Kin shakily stood to her feet, Chouji spun in place, looking for all intensive purposes as if he was revving the motor of a muscle car. As Kin could feel the tiny shards of her senbon jabbing her in the butt, the choice for her was clear.

"I surrender!" She screamed as she ran up the stairs.

"Winner by surrender, Akimichi Chouji!" Hayate called, glad that he was done with his duty. Sarutobi stood once again, for the first time since Gaara's incident.

"This concludes the Chuunin Exam Preliminaries! Congratulations all… you are now all finalists!" The Sandaime announced happy to stand up again that chair had no lumbar support at all.

* * *

Author notes.

And now, a word from the Co-Writer:  
Blagh. We really fell off our horse this time. Here's hoping we can get onto some semblance of a schedule again. Not much to say about this chapter, really. Our collective work ethics went down the crapper, and we're only now just fishing it out of the sewers.  
I'm not even going to bother addressing all the people who want stuff different from canon. I'm only going to point at chapter eleven and tell them to read the author's notes again and stop having the memory of a goldfish.  
Anything you want to say, majin?

This is MHX, sorry this chapter took so long good bye sex and financial issues gave me a crippling writer's block. But then the Dude and I worked together and created this chapter even though the Dude struggled with hand injuries and well I found out what happens when have too much of a good thing.

If your wondering when 15 is coming, right now the Ddde is toiling on chapter 15 though he is injured and has refused offers to stop. The two of us are working hard to get back to our old one chapter a month schedule.

MHX pulls a giant cookie. "This goes to FANATIC 1229 for Guessing the match up." hands over cookie.

And to anyone who can guess the entire finals match ups they get a sneak preview of chapter 15. But you have to get all of them in order.

This is Majin Hentai X signing out.

Good Night and thank you for not reading Yaoi.


	15. Training Without A Montage

Hell faithful readers, it has been a long time in the making, but its finally here.

Majin Hentai X proudly presents Naruto: Game of the Year Edition Chapter 15.

I own nothing until that legal injunction goes through then Naruto will belong to me.

"Normal Speech." "Bring it on skanks, you need to be knocked down a few pegs." MHX declares striking a balanced stance and sprouting a handle bar mustache.

_'thoughts' 'Why the hell did he grow a mustache?' _4 out of the 5 inner senshi thought. If one were to read Sailor Moon's thought they would only hear their theme song from the anime.

"Techniques being used." "Now while wailing on you until I've shattered you confidence would be fun, I have much bigger fish to fry. Super-fist of the mustache: Kami Shibari." MHX roars then exploding with the power of Hajike dives into the senshi and ties them up with each other long hair. Leaving only the short haired Sailor Mercury un-touched. "Then there was one, and not for long Super-fist of the mustache: Laundry Surprise." MHX declares pulling out a red shirt with a large wet spot on it. "Does this shirt smell like chloroform to you?" MHX asks while prerssing the shirt against the face of the shell shocked mercury. Who passed out a second later.

**"Greater Being's speaking" "Now where is Tuxedo boy I've got some diplomacy to take care of."** MHX menaces in a demonic voice while rubbing a wave motion cannon named 'Diplomacy'.

"So you're trying to stop Crystal Tokyo again." Setsuna Meiou AKA Sailor Pluto AKA the Time Bitch said with the calm of one with millennia of experience screwing with time. "Just give up you pervertthere's no way to stop it now The Moon Kingdom will rise again the second silver Millenium is inevitable." The princess of Pluto preached.

"Would you mind i'm making a phone call." MHX shouts while talking on his phone. "Yeah Juuban park February 14 2011, and tell Professor Song I said hello ." And with that MHX hangs up and stares down the green haired Senshi with a grin.

"Who were you talking to?" Setsuna asked out of curiosity but knowing that all scenarios led to her victory.

"Just some one who's wanted to have a chat with you since the roman empire." MHX says with a smile as an ominous wind blows. "Looks like a storm is coming." MHX said with heavy emphasis with a storm is coming. Setsuna raised a naturally green eyebrow and then she heard it, a groaning sound and for the first time since the fall of the first moon kingdom she felt pure terror.

* * *

Training Without A Montage

* * *

"Now that we've all completed the preliminaries, would you all please step into the arena?" Hayate wheezed, before bursting into another fit of coughs again. Staring hesitantly at the ill man, the Genin all joined together in the middle of the ring. After a long speech about the true meaning of the Chuunin exams and _'Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, would ya skip to the point already, old man?'_ Naruto thought wearily. Anko finally entered the ring with a box full of paper slips.

"Alright, kiddies! Take one slip and read it off! Say it loud, say it proud!" Anko declared as Chouji stuck his hand into the box.

"I got 6." He announced, before reaching for another bag of chips.

"2." Mitsuhide stated, cracking his neck.

"10." Dosu answered non-chalantly.

"9…" Hinata murmured, looking over nervously at Gaara.

"11." Gaara hissed.

"7." Said Shikamaru, looking very much like he wished like he could disqualify himself right there.

"Eight." Said Temari, practically radiating annoyance at the deadbeat standing next to her.

"YOSH! I have chosen number one!" Lee cheered with entirely too much exuberance.

"I got three…!" Kagero whispered as she leered suggestively at the spandex-clad backside in front of her. Lee felt a shudder and a sudden fear for his purity run through his system.

"12." Shino announced tonelessly. Unannounced to everyone but him, however, were the ten Kikai bugs crawling across the room to attach to each of the present competitors.

"God, finally I get to the box! I got 5!" Naruto shouted. Anko reached into the box and fished out the last slip.

"And since Sasuke's being a pansy and hiding in the medical wing, he gets 4." She chirped. Ibiki quickly did some math in his head, before scratching out the order of battles onto the board.

"Alright, maggots, shut up and pay attention, 'cause you're only getting one look at this. The first match is Uzumaki Naruto against Mitsuhide. Second match is Hyuuga Hinata and Nakamura Kagero. Third is Aburame Shino and Rock Lee, fourth is Nara Shikamaru and Temari, fifth is Uchiha Sasuke and Kinuta Dosu, and last is Akamichi Chouji and Gaara." Ibiki allowed their various assorted reactions to his statements, before he blasted them all with killing intent. "SHUT THE HELL UP!" They did. "You've got 30 days to train before you have to show up at the stadium at noon sharp. If you're even one second late, you're gone! There's only one rule to follow in those 30 days, and that's if you get caught, or even implicated in eliminating one of your competitors, you're ass is out. And for you foreign Shinobi, attacking any competitor gives us full rights to detain you indefinitely in our jail cells, and your village can't do shit to stop us. Now get the hell out of here before I get pissed!" and with that, Ibiki shunshin'd out of the arena.

**Boss Fight Completed! 'Kuroyama Arashi'! **Spelled out the big bold words in the air as Naruto walked out the door. The boy just smirked in his victory. **Intelligence: +3! Luck: +2! Agility: +3! Experience: 400! **Naruto heard the jingling that signaled his gaining a level. **Level up! Level Eleven! **Naruto nearly cackled in glee.

"Only nine more levels, and then, more of those delicious skills…!" he nearly cackled maniacally, but held back once he realized people were giving him funny looks.

**Stats Gained:**

**Strength: +5!**

**Chakra: +7!**

**Control: +8!**

**Bonus: Charisma: +3!**

**Bonus: Stealth: +2!**

**Bonus: Endurance: +3!**

"Whew! Now that that mess is all over with, I need some ramen!" and with that, Naruto turned and went home.

Day 1/30

"Kakashiiiiiii! You have to train me! It's your job, no, your DUTY to train me to be the most awesomest Hokage ever!" Naruto pleaded, on his knees in front of the slightly amused Jounin and slightly annoyed Uchiha. Said Jounin began to sweatdrop at the boy's exaggerated antics.

"Um… sorry, Naruto, but I have to train Sasuke in the use of his Sharingan, among other things." Naruto groaned… before an idea hit him.

"But why? Sasuke has a freakin' sister to train him! Get her to train Sasuke!"

"Well, Metsuki COULD train me…" Sasuke began. Naruto pumped his fist.

"YESSSS!" he cheered.

"…if she hasn't been on an extended infiltration mission for a few months now to who-knows-where." Sasuke finished as Naruto groaned.

"Dammit!" he exclaimed before slumping forward, the cloud of FAIL floating over his head practically visible.

"Sorry, Naruto… but don't worry! I've set up a personal tutor, just for you! He's an expert at teaching ninju-"

"It's Ebisu, right?"Naruto interrupted, still wallowing in his FAIL.

"Uh… right. How'd you know?" Kakashi blinked.

"Because the closet perv's hiding in the tree right behind you." and with that, he chucked a kunai into the tree, and within seconds, Ebisu fell from the tree, twitching in shock at the kunai that had imbedded itself inches from his face. Naruto sighed. "Thanks, Kakashi, but I think I'll go find someone else to train me." 'At least I can still get Jiraiya to train me.' And with that, Naruto made a beeline to the hot springs. Kakashi shrugged and turned to his protégée.

"Alright, Sasuke. Now that we've taken care of that, we're headed to the Hatake Secret Training Grounds."

"But why do we need these batteries, tissues, and lard?" Sasuke asked, holding up the plastic bag of random items.

"Um… I'll tell you when we get there."

Meanwhile, back on Endor…

As Naruto raced towards the hot springs, a flash of color caught the edge of his sight. "Whoa!" he screeched to a halt as he stared into a side-alley, where an Uzumaki swirl hovered in the air. "Hey, it's one of those power-up thingies!" Naruto ran over and grabbed it.

**Intelligence: +1!**

"Hmm… I'm starting to get somewhat worried how I keep getting all of these intelligence power-ups, but I don't feel any smarter. Does this mean that they don't do anything, or that I'm so stupid that they're still playing catch-up?" a light green caught his eye as another swirl floated just a few feet away. Naruto reached out to grab it, but jerked his hand back at the last second. "Hmm… I wonder…" quickly flashing through seals, a Kage Bunshin burst into existence and grabbed the power-up.

**Chakra: +1!**

"EUREKA!" Naruto cheered. "I've never even looked for these things, so the entire village must be filled to the brim with these things!" in a flash, over 200 Naruto clones filled the alleyway. "Get moving! Find as many power-ups as you can!"

"YES, BOSS!" they all cried as they leaped away. Naruto grinned and walked out of the alleyway, a spring in his step.

Two hours later, that spring was all but gone as Naruto growled. His clones had found a butt-load of powerups, but that didn't exactly help his current predicament.

"Where the hell is that pervy godfather of mine!" Naruto growled as yet another hot spring was crossed off his mental tally. "You'd think that with over 200 of me in the village, he'd be pretty easy to find!"

**Control: +1!**

"I mean, come on! It's not exactly hard to find where perverts are when you're looking for them! I mean, how else does Jiraiya always get caught and pounded by chicks when he's such a powerful ninja?"

**Stealth: +1!**

"Agh!" Naruto threw up his hands. Maybe he's in some out of the way hot spring… or maybe he moved to one that already got checked. Which one gets the most traffic with the least anti-perv defenses…?"

**Charisma: +1!**

"I've got it!" Naruto ran across the roof tops towards his chosen hot spring. Sure enough, a soft chuckling and the scratch of pen on paper greeted Naruto's ears as he drew close.

"Oh, Senka-Chan, Anko-Chan, how you two have grown up… heeheeheeheehee…" Jiraiya giggled as he scribbled into his manuscript. Naruto grimaced at the display of pervyness. "And that Hyuuga girl, she's a bit young to put in the books verbatim, but she does fill out nicely… maybe if I add a few years…"

In his life, Naruto had felt rage, and brushed it off easily. Rage over being lied to, being ignored, being betrayed, and being killed were, after some effort, easy to brush off.

This was the first time, however, that he'd felt the rage of jealousy.

With barely a handseal, Naruto transformed.

"So, you've descended so low as to peek on underage girls…" Jiraiya stiffened at the familiar sultry voice in his ear. "I'd always known that you were a pervert, but never knew you'd sink to Orochimaru's depths…" Jiraiya forced a too-wide grin onto his face as he turned to the angel of death behind him. "If there's one thing I can't stand, its pedophilia. Now, Jiraiya, you DIE!"

"NO TSUNADE!" Jiraiya shrieked in an extremely unmanly voice as the illusion reared back its fist. With a shriek, Jiraiya slumped forward, passed out. Naruto blinked as the Henge dispersed.

"Whoa. I think that worked just a little too well." A shit-eating grin spread onto his face. "But GODDAMN, that was freaking AWESOME!"

"**I have to admit, that was rather devious of you. I approve."** Kyuubi ruminated from inside the seal.

"Yeah… I feel a lot better now." Naruto breathed as the intense rage left faster than it came. "But, you know… I don't think I've ever gotten that angry before. Is that normal?"

"**Fleshbag, it's as normal as breathing. When someone you care for is getting perved on, you're GOING to feel the need to kill something."**

"Bah! And how would you know what it feels like to care for somebody? You're a psycho murdering machine!" Naruto retorted.

"**I do enjoy killing you hairless apes, it's true. But the only thing I enjoy more than killing you fleshbags is screwing the attractive ones senseless. Hell, I'm an ancient and powerful demon lord! I've been around the block so many damn times half of you monkeys are probably related to me!"** suddenly, a picture of the Kyuubi surrounded by thousands of babies with fox-tails entered his mind.

"Kyuubi-Jijiiiii!" the babies all cried as one.

**Strength: +2!**

"Okay, um, yeah, that thought is more than a little terrifying." Naruto responded shakily. To clear his mind, he looked down at the fallen Jiraiya. He grimaced. "Stupid perv." He gave his side a good kick just to drive home his displeasure. What the kick did, however, was dislodge his telescope. Naruto's eyes were involuntarily drawn to it as a soft giggle his mind immediately attributed to Hinata floated up to him.

'_Whoa. This is a huge chance for me. Ero-sennin actually picked a pretty good spot to peek, so unless I start acting like an idiot about it, I probably won't get caught. Hinata's in there too, and if what the perv said is true, then she's looking really nice… on the other hand, I'd be turning into what I hate the most.'_ As soon as he finished the thought, the world stopped. "Whoa, what?" the telescope began a faint glow and rose up into the air as bold words spelled themselves out.

**Secret Unlocked! 'Karmic Conundrum'! When a situation arises where a single decision can drastically affect your karma, a display will appear to show your choices.**

"Holy crap, I have karma! This is serious business!" Naruto exclaimed as the words rearranged themselves.

**Will you spy on Hinata in the hot springs?**

**YES NO**

Well, Naruto was about to do it, but now that THIS had reared its ugly head, it deserved some more thought! Naruto looked at the telescope that floated in-between the two choices, waiting for his decision. Naruto glanced at Jiraiya. _'Well… Jiraiya certainly enjoys it a hell of a lot, and he probably makes more than most small countries do off of his books… but then again, Jiraiya's fifty years old and single.'_

"I choose… the high road." Naruto declared as he punched the **NO **box. The telescope floated back into Jiraiya's pack as more words appeared in the air.

**Secret Unlocked! 'Karmic Ranking'! As you go through life, doing good or evil deeds will change your karmic ranking. Good deeds will raise your good karma, while evil deeds will raise your bad karma. Some techniques require a minimum karmic ranking to use. **

**New Karmic Ranking! 'Good Samaritan'! **A chibi Naruto appeared in the air, walking along an invisible road with a smile and the sun shining on his face. Naruto felt a feeling of goodness flow into him.

"Heh… alright." He said aloud as the world spun back to life. With a loud groan, Jiraiya came to.

"Ugh… damn flashbacks… note to self, don't peek on kiddies, even if they're stacked…" he muttered to himself… before he noticed he wasn't alone. "WHOA! W-when'd you get there? Who're you?" Naruto grinned.

"Uzumaki Naruto, future Hokage!" he announced. However, Jiraiya wasn't really paying attention.

"Uh, yeah, sure, kid. Now go away, I've got research to attend to." Naruto growled at the perv ignoring him.

"'Research', huh? It must be pretty interesting. I bet those women over there would be ESPECIALLY interested in what you're researching." Jiraiya jerked around with a speed that Naruto couldn't even track.

"Whoa, hey! Uh, um, Naruto! Yes, Naruto! You wouldn't REALLY sell out a fellow Konoha Nin, would you? Village unity and all that!"

Hook…

"I dunno, old man, peeking on the hot springs is pretty illegal in Konoha. And I certainly don't want to get it on my records that I helped a pervert escape justice. It'd look pretty bad when I try to rise in the ranks…" Naruto grinned smugly. Fortunately, Jiraiya didn't see that.

"Hey, c'mon, kid!" Jiraiya exclaimed, a panicked look on his face, before steeling himself. "Okay, look. If you don't rat me out, I'll help you in whatever you want. I'm a man with connections, I can get you stuff."

Line…

"Weeeeeeell… I DO need a trainer to help me get ready for the Chuunin exams…" Naruto mused out loud. Jiraiya grinned.

"You're a ninja? Then that works out perfectly! Because, I am…!" Jiraiya struck a pose on one leg. "The man who is Unmatched in the East! Undefeated in the West! Invincible in the North! And Undying in the South! Women call me Lover! Men call me Sir! I am… The Gallant Jiraiya!" he shouted to the skies. Naruto, however, was nonplussed.

"Needs more cowbell." He said deadpan. Jiraiya facevaulted.

"WHAT!" he roared. "How dare you make fun of my introduction! And why in blazes would it need more cowbell?"

"Because it seemed like the right thing to say."

"Grrr… that's it! You're going to stick with me until you understand the greatness of my intro dance!"

Sinker.

"Right! So, first off, let's teach you how to tree-walk!" Jiraiya announced once they'd reached a training ground.

"I already know how to do that." Said Naruto, running up and down a nearby tree.

"Oh… well, how about water-walking?"

"Been there, done that, didn't even get a t-shirt." Naruto drawled.

"Oh… hmm…" Jiraiya frowned, finding his cushy teaching job wasn't quite as easy as he thought. "Well, uh, what do you need, then? If you've got the basics down, then I suppose I can teach you stuff to help with your next match."

"I doubt you know anything about having to fight a swordsman." Said Naruto. Jiraiya's eyebrows arched.

"A swordsman? Really, now? Don't get too many of those around these parts… where's he from?"

"He's from Kiri."

"Kiri? Shit, he probably knows his stuff then. They haven't sent anybody to the Chuunin exams in years, and with that civil war going on, they're probably already blooded many times over. I'd say anybody they'd send in is probably mid-Chuunin to borderline Jounin is terms of skill, not to mention the fact that they've got whatever's left of the seven swordsmen to teach this kid his craft. You've certainly got your work cut out for you."

"Well, that's why I'm getting you to teach me, isn't it?" Naruto said exasperatedly. "Now can you teach me or not?" Jiraiya glanced over at him.

"I dunno, kid. I've got some techniques I could probably teach you, but I'm not about to just hand over some of my best stuff to some… random…" Jiraiya trailed off as he looked at Naruto. His eyes widened almost imperceptibly. "Uhh… kid… what did you say your name was again?"

"Naruto Uzumaki. Why?" Naruto asked. Jiraiya practically flinched. "Whoa, you okay there?"

"Uhm… yeah, yeah, I'm okay… just some memories I'd long since buried…" he mumbled. "Damn, how could I forget about him…? Minato's gonna skin me alive once I get up there…" he muttered to himself, thinking he was quiet. Naruto, however, heard every word he said.

'He forgot about me? He forgot about his own godson? Asshole…' Naruto looked darkly at Jiraiya. The Super Pervert looked up, having seemingly made a decision, and clapped his hands together.

"Right then! What were we talking about again?"

"How you weren't going to just hand over your best techniques to some random brat." Naruto put on a mock pout. Jiraiya laughed loudly and clapped Naruto on the back.

"You know what, forget about that! I might just be getting senile, but I like you, kid! You've got yourself a sensei!" despite having gone through this before, Naruto couldn't help the grin that spread across his face.

"Yes, ero-sennin!" he responded.

"As long as you don't call me that."

"Yes, ero-sennin!"

"Brat." Even though he said that, Jiraiya was grinning. "So! We've got a month to train you to beat a possibly-Jounin-level swordsman, plus anything else you might go up against! A tall order, isn't it?"

"That's what I bought you for, isn't it?" Naruto grinned.

"Sure, sure! If we're gonna get anywhere in training, then we've gotta get you some summons!" flashing through the seals, Jiraiya slammed his hand down and pulled an armored toad about the size of a horse into existence. With a flick of its tongue, Jiraiya was holding the toad summoning scroll in his hands. "Feast your eyes on the toad summoning scroll!"

"What, toads? I dunno, ero-sennin. What good could toads possibly be in battle?" Naruto said in fake skepticism. He'd never actually heard what toads were good for in his first lifetime, so he figured this would be a good opportunity to remedy that.

"Brat! Toads are one of the best summons you can get! They're easily adaptable to just about any environment, are intelligent as all hell, and can learn just about anything we humans can create! Toads are especially skilled at Kenjutsu and Ninjutsu, and are damn near impossible to beat in stealth and intelligence gathering! Not to mention that since it's so old and respected, in both the summon realm and the human realm, they get one of the highest rates of converts and recruits! You should be HONORED that I'm offering this to you!"

"Whoa…" Naruto breathed. He'd known that the toads were pretty sweet, but he didn't know they were THAT kickass! "Gimme that scroll." Naruto snatched it out of Jiraiya's hands and rolled it open, scanning the previous names. The most recent names he could see were some guy named Kazama Arashi, Senju Tobirama, Jiraiya, (the last name was blacked out, so Naruto assumed he abandoned his clan. He'd never have guessed that) and Namikaze Minato.

"Huh…! I never knew the Nidaime was a summoner!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Well, sure! Who do you think brought the toad contract to Konoha? The Senju were everywhere in the elemental countries before they settled Konoha. Before he plundered it in conquest, it was a family summons for some guy up in Kiri. Now, to join this illustrious line of summoners, just sign your name in blood on the next open line." Naruto bit his thumb and wrote his name with a flourish.

FLASH! The scroll lit up with a burst of light and rose out of Naruto's hands. "WAH!" Naruto exclaimed.

**Summoning Scroll Acquired: Toads! **Said the bold words. **Using this scroll, the Toad clan and all subordinates can be summoned! Note: Without the Founding Roller, specific clans can only be summoned if the current Avatar has signed the corresponding scroll. **

'_Founding roller…? The hell does that mean?'_ Naruto pondered as the world spun to life once more.

"Huh. Nice calligraphy, kid." Continued Jiraiya, unaware of his interruption. "You may just have a future in seal-making. Right, so, you saw the seals that I did before, right? Just repeat those and you'll be able to summon toads." Naruto nodded.

"Right then!" one, two, three, four, five. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" Naruto slammed his hand down and channeled a good-sized portion of chakra into the act. With a puff of smoke, Gamakichi appeared.

"**Whoa! I actually got summoned for the first time!" **the little toad looked up and waved. **"Yo! The name's Gamakichi!" **Naruto grinned. The little toad was a bit of a snotball back in his first life, but it didn't change the fact that he was pretty okay.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto, the newest toad summoner, and future Hokage!"

"**Nice to meetcha, Naruto!" **the two shook hands. Jiraiya was nodding approvingly.

"Not bad, not bad! A purebred toad summon, and on your first try, too! I'm impressed!" he then shook his head. "But even if you're good at it from the get-go, you're still not a full toad summoner in the eyes of the clan until you pull Gamabunta here and get him to acknowledge you. He's the toad boss, second only to the Great Toad Sage, and that guy never leaves the mountain." Naruto arched an eyebrow.

'Somebody was higher up the food chain than 'Bunta? I thought he was the head honcho.' Naruto shrugged. It didn't really matter.

"**Its okay, Naruto! You seem like a pretty okay guy, so I'll vouch for you with pops!"**

"Right, then! Let's get to it!" Naruto began running through the seals, before Jiraiya tackled him to the ground.

"What are you, an idiot! You can't summon Gamabunta here! Everything'll get crushed! Rule number one of summoning: always account for the size of the summon in relation to the size of the available land!"

"Uh, once more, in Japanese please?"

"Ugh!" Jiraiya through his hands up in the air, irritated at his student's lack of common sense. "Fine! I'll use small words for you! Big summon in small area, BAD. Big summon in big area, GOOD." Jiraiya turned around. "You know what? I've dealt with enough stupid for today. Come back tomorrow, at the canyon behind the Hokage monument, at noon. We'll summon 'Bunta there." And then he disappeared into the air without a trace.

"Jeez… he didn't have to tackle me so hard…" Naruto whined. Gamakichi snickered on the sidelines.

"**But you have to admit, it was pretty funny." **Naruto jerked around.

"Whoa! What are you still doing here? I thought you went home or whatever!"

"**Nope! First rule of summon spirit conduct: always stay with the summoner until the duty is fulfilled, or your life is imperiled!" **Gamakichi chirped out. Naruto sighed.

"Fine, fine, whatever. Your duty is fulfilled. You can go, wherever the heck you guys go to."

Silence.

"**So, you gonna dispel me or what?" **Gamakichi asked slowly. Naruto wore a confused face.

"What, you can't do that by yourself?"

"**Only when my life is in peril! Otherwise, the summoner has to do it for me, since I'm not strong enough to do it myself yet!" **Gamakichi exclaimed. **"Do you even KNOW how to dispel me?"**

"Uhh…" Naruto began. Frankly, he didn't. Most of the time, the toads dispelled themselves whenever they got banged up, so he'd never really cared about how to do it without it. Gamakichi face-palmed.

"**You know something? I'm starting to think you and Gamatatsu would get along real well."**

"Hey hey, don't compare me to that idiot!" Naruto shouted. "It's just, I've only ever summoned toads in battle, so most of the time they just… get…" he trailed off as Gamakichi gave him a funny look.

"'**Only summoned us in battle'? You only just signed the contract now." **Gamakichi deadpanned.

"Shit…!" Naruto whispered. His secret was out. "Uhh… if you promise not to tell anybody, I'll tell you about it."

"**Third rule of summon spirit conduct: as soon as you are dismissed and in a suitable condition, report all that happened during the summoning to the nearest authority figure. I'm not about to get on pops' bad side, so I've got to tell him. Whether or not he tells Jiraiya is entirely up to him." **Said the diminutive toad. **"However, given the fact that Jiraiya's a drunk who'll tell a woman anything she wants when he's liquored up, the toad summons have made it a habit not to tell him anything TOO vitally important about our collective safety. It's why he's never found out the exact numbers of the toad summons."**

"Waitwaitwait… you mean Jiraiya doesn't even know how many of you there are!" Naruto exclaimed.

"**That's right! And for the toad summons he DOES know, he doesn't even know what most of them even do! He just believes whatever we tell him about what we can do, which most of the time amounts to the toads being the best thing since miso, since he thinks that being a summon spirit makes you bound to the summoner's will and that we can't lie to him!"**

"You mean, it doesn't?"

"**Hell no! It's just like you ninjas accepting a contract! We can refuse to be summoned and remove somebody's name from the summon scrolls anytime we want! The only reason we didn't do that to that bastard Tobirama is because we were running out of Life Essence to barter with."**

"Life Essence?"

"**It's basically the summon spirit currency. When we get summoned here with an initial offering of Life Essence, or what you call Chakra, we automatically start absorbing the ambient Life Essence just floating around from the surroundings. The longer we stay or the more strenuous the actions, the more we absorb. When we get pulled back to the spirit realm, all that Life Essence we absorbed is worth its weight in gold."**

"Huh."

"**Sometimes, when a contract has been without a summoner for an especially long time, the more powerful bosses will demand live sacrifices to get their Life Essence stores back up. I actually hear that the Snakes went so long without a contract that every time Manda gets summoned, he has to bring back a hundred humans to use in a Life Essence farm or else the Snakes will mutiny against him. They'd probably put up with any amount of unspeakable acts as long as the Life Essence keeps flowing to them."**

"No way… I never would have guessed any of that."

"**You wouldn't be the first human to make that mistake. Pops talks to a lot of other summon spirits, and practically every other human that's had a summoning scroll thinks that we're all just semi-intelligent beasts that exist to serve whoever signs a piece of paper. You're probably one of the few who knows otherwise."**

"Oh… thanks. I guess." Naruto mumbled. "So! Since you told me all of that stuff, I'm going to ignore the jerk-ass move and whack you over the head until you dispel, so I guess you'll be rooming with me tonight. Toads need freshwater, right?"

"**Right!" **Gamakichi chirped.

"Then I'll get a bath set up for you to sleep in."

"**Thanks! So… what were you saying about already summoning us before?"**

"Ehh… it's a long story…"

* * *

"UOOOOOOH! You passed the preliminaries! That's fantastic, son!" Chouza roared. "We shall prepare you a feast tonight, to replace the calories you lost!" Chouji could have wept for joy.

"After a week of starvation, salvation has come to me at last!" his eyes went starry as he daydreamed of his upcoming feast.

"And then tomorrow, we begin your training!" Chouza declared with a fist to the heavens, but Chouji was too busy daydreaming to care.

* * *

"SHIKAKU, YOU LAZY BASTARD! GET DOWN HERE AND TRAIN YOUR SON!" Yoshino Nara screeched out as she stormed up the stairs and threw her beloved husband out the window. A minute later, a screaming Shikamaru followed his patriarch.

"MOM! Don't you know that we need LIGHT to do shadow Jutsu!" Shikamaru complained, fully irked that his nap was interrupted.

"Well, then it's a perfect time to practice your OTHER ninja skills, isn't it?" she grinned and gave them a look. Both the men shivered. They knew, and DREADED that look. For Shikaku, it was the 'I Want To Have A Baby' look. For Shikamaru, it was the 'Ino-Chan's Taking You Clothes Shopping' look. "Don't let me catch you trying to come back in until I've decided you've trained enough! And don't even think about hiding out at your usual places! I've already told Yuka and Sayuri not to let you in!" with that, the window slammed shut.

A collective sigh of "Mendokuse…" escaped the men. "Well, shall we?" Shikaku tried to force a grin.

"Troublesome woman…" Shikamaru grumbled. "Well, since we can't use plan A and plan B, what do we do?"

"How about plan C?" Shikaku suggested as they began walking down the street. Shikamaru's eyebrows rose.

"We have a plan C?"

"Sure! Plan C is to go to the nearest strip club and get plastered! I haven't used it since I married your mother, since it'd be troublesome if she ever caught me, but now I have you passing as an excuse!"

"Why would I ever agree to something troublesome like that?" Shikamaru drawled. Shikaku looped his arm around his son's shoulders.

"You can share your first beer with your old man! What do you say?" Shikamaru pondered it for a minute, before shrugging.

"Eh, whatever. Old enough to kill and all that."

"Exactly! Whatever convinces the civilians to let you into a bar!" Shikaku cheered.

"I do think you're oddly cheerful about all this, though."

"Your mother's recently gone on a crusade against drunkenness. I haven't had a taste of alcohol in months."

"Mendokuse…"

* * *

Hinata panted heavily, standing shakily over a prone and twitching Kiba. "I… I… did it, Kurenai-sensei…" she panted softly. Kurenai beamed.

"That's wonderful, Hinata! You're doing fantastic! If you keep this up, you'll breeze through the finals in no time!"

"You… you really think so…?" Hinata mumbled. "I kinda… kinda feel bad about u-u-using Kiba as…"

"As a training dummy? Hey, it's okay! It's endurance training for him too! He agreed to this, Hinata, so it's fine!" Kurenai said enthusiastically as she plastered a too-wide grin to her face. She knew that she had to take every chance to bring the diminutive girl's self-confidence up, for her training at home was more than likely tearing it down just as fast. 'And if she doesn't believe in herself, then in the next match, against someone who's killed before…' Kurenai didn't allow herself to finish that thought.

* * *

Day 2/30

* * *

"YESSSS!" Naruto cheered as he slid into the clearing Jiraiya had designated. "Three seconds left!" Gamakichi crawled up his hair.

"**Did you really have to do that, Naruto?" **Gamakichi moaned. **"I'm not used to moving that fast yet…"**

"Hey, ero-sennin's a sadist! Who knows what he'd do if I'm late?" he shot back, before blinking at the odd sight before him. Jiraiya was there, hunched over what Naruto assumed to be his manuscript. But, instead of giggling perversely like he was used to, he was staring at the written words and chewing on his pen in what looked to be an almost _thoughtful_ manner. Naruto decided nature had had enough of this sort of blasphemy, and so strolled up loudly.

"Oi, ero-sennin! I'm here for your training!" Naruto called. Jiraiya jerked in irritation.

"Dammit, Minato! How many times have I told you not to call me-!" Jiraiya jerked his head up, only for the blood in his face to drain away. Naruto rather pointedly ignored the mistaken identity.

"Jeez, all that peeping is going to your brain! My name's Naruto!" he said in a jovial manner, ignoring the sudden pain in his chest that to his one serious teacher, he might just be a replacement for his father.

"Ah…" Jiraiya blinked and shook his head. "Sorry, Naruto. It's… just an old man going senile. Forgive me." The tone was much more subdued than he'd ever heard it before, which made Naruto think he was asking forgiveness for more than just the Freudian slip.

"Ah, no sweat! As long as you train me, you can call me whatever!" Naruto forced a cheesy grin on his face. Jiraiya semi-smiled, before slipping into his regular boisterous self.

"Right then! Let's get to work!"

"**Uh, Jiraiya-san? Can I get dispelled first? I've been gone all day, and my mom's probably going to kill me if I don't get home soon." **Gamakichi spoke up. Jiraiya's eyebrows rose.

"You didn't dispel him yet?"

"You didn't teach me how!" Naruto retorted, as the sweatdrop on the back of Jiraiya's head grew.

"Ah, yeah, yeah, you're right… well, you know what? Let's wait until we've summoned Gamabunta. It'll be good to have one of his kids around to smooth over the accepting of Naruto. He could probably bring you back with him, even!" Jiraiya pushed himself out of his crouch. "So, Naruto! Do you already know about… uh…" he circled his stomach with his pointer finger.

"What, about the fuzz-butt? Yeah, I know about him. He and I even broker deals a bit, when we're not at each other's throats. He gives me chakra when I ask for it as rent, and I do everything in my power to stay alive."

"That's… somewhat worrisome that you're making deals with it, but I'll trust your judgment on this. It's actually kind of good that you can consciously use his power, though. I was worried I'd have to put you in a life-or-death situation to get you to call on it." Naruto's eyebrow twitched at that statement.

"What, you mean toss me off a cliff to see if I could summon Gamabunta before I go splat?" he said irritatedly. Jiraiya laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head.

"Ahahaha, of course not, nothing as serious as that…! Er-hem! SO ANYWAYS! If you channel the Kyuubi's chakra while you do the summons, that should be more than enough to summon Gamabunta." He mimed the seals once for a refresher. "Be careful when you do, though. Shooting up a few stories can be a little disorienting at first, and I'd hate to see you fall and die after all the work I've put into you."

"You've barely done anything for me yet…!" Naruto grumbled. Nevertheless, Naruto gathered a bit of chakra in his feet while he ran through the seals. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" he cried out, channeling about a tail's worth of chakra into the Jutsu. The air surrounding Naruto burst into smoke as Gamabunta soared to the heavens.

"**Dammit, Jiraiya, you interrupted my meeting with the Hounds! If they decide to go to war against us because my second-in-command can't stop ogling-" **he glanced down and saw Jiraiya standing there.** "Jiraiya? The hell are you doing down there? And where's the fight? I've told you not to summon me except for a fight!"**

"Yeah, well, I'm not the one who summoned you." the old man deadpanned, feeling the sweatdrop roll down his head at the toad's strange outburst. The pipe in Gamabunta's mouth wobbled dangerously.

"**What, did you decide to take on another brat? You know I despise you letting anybody who asks sign the contract!"**

"Oi! I ain't a brat, you overgrown tadpole!" Naruto shouted as he ran down to one of Gamabunta's eyes. The eye swiveled around to meet his gaze.

"**Jeez… this one's a carbon-copy of the LAST summoner you had! You trying to pull something here, Jiraiya?"**

"Eheheheh… Gamabunta, meet Naruto Uzumaki. Naruto, Meet Gamabunta, acting leader of the Toads." The giant Toad's eye blinked.

"**Uzumaki, eh… I think I heard the little sprog who joined us last mention that name a few times. So you're her spawn, eh?"**

"**Aww, c'mon, dad! Stop with all the drama and let Naruto join!" **Gamakichi piped up. The eye swiveled back up.

"**Gamakichi? Is that you? You've worried your mother sick!"**

"**Yeah, well, Jiraiya didn't teach Naruto how to dispel us outside of combat situations before he ran off. But Naruto's a good guy! He let me bunk at his place instead of beating me up to dispel me!" **

"It's true! Naruto's a kind soul!" Jiraiya yelled up, adding in his own two cents. Gamabunta sighed melodramatically.

"**Fine, fine, all of you shut up! You're giving me a headache. By the powers vested in me as the acting blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, accept Naruto Uzumaki as the thirtieth official summoner of the Toad clan! You'll need to down some Sake with me eventually to seal the deal, but I haven't got time for that right now. I need to get back to the Hounds before that stupid Second of mine starts a clan war because he can't keep it in his pants!" **Gamabunta disappeared with a loud POP, Sending Naruto tumbling to the ground.

"OWOWOWOWOWOWOW…!" he cried out.

"You'll get used to that, eventually." Jiraiya said offhandedly. "I gotta say, we caught him at a good time. I've never seen him rush through the ceremony so fast. He usually has the guy jump through dozens of hoops before he even hints at accepting them." Jiraiya clapped his hands together. "But this works in our favor! So! We've got twenty-eight days to teach you enough to not get yourself killed against a master swordsman! Let's get to work!"

"Don't you mean teach me enough to WIN against a master swordsman?"

"Baby steps, Naruto." He stopped in the middle of an open plain. "So, first off! If you're fighting a swordsman, unless you're also well-versed in swordplay or just insanely powerful, the ABSOLUTE worst thing you can do is get in close to them. You want to put as much distance between you and them as possible and hammer them from afar. Of course, swordsmen train their speed to ungodly heights so that possibility is all but nil, so you're going to have to do something to keep them stuck in one place."

He flashed through a number of handseals before raising his fist. "Observe! Doton: Yomi Numa!" he slammed his fist into the ground… and it sank right through it as the rapidly-spreading bog replaced the earth. "This is Doton: Yomi Numa. It creates a swamp that, depending on how much chakra you put in it, can easily trap an entire army or keep a full-grown boss summon like Gamabunta in place. Most ninja would drop dead before they put enough chakra into it for that kind of scale, but for a Sannin like me, and especially for you, the living chakra battery, this is very much doable. Even without mastering its use, trapping a single man in place will be child's play after this month is over."

"C-cool…!" Naruto whispered, eyes sparkling. This was the proof of the pudding, right here. Beneath the idiot exterior he often had, he could pull stuff like this without breaking a sweat. Jiraiya blushed and rubbed the back of his head, laughing.

"Ehahahaha! Stop looking at me like that, kid! I'm getting embarrassed!" despite that, Naruto could tell the old man was pleased. "And if you're impressed by just this, then wait 'till I bring out some of my other stuff!" he blinked. "Speaking of which, I gotta ask. What do you already know? I shoulda asked this from the beginning, but I have to get an idea of what to cover."

"Ah, well… I know Kage Bunshin."

"Good, good, that'll make a good training tool. What else?"

"Uh, I know Fuuton: Senpu no Nakami." Jiraiya whistled.

"An army killer, at your age? Impressive. Can you actually use it?"

"Ah, yeah. I used it in the forest of death to keep snake face away from Sasuke. It really fucked my chakra coils up, though." Jiraiya's eyebrows shot into his hairline.

"You DROVE Orochimaru off!"

"Yeah… he wasn't dead, I don't think, but he was pretty badly hurt. I needed to pull on Kyuubi's chakra to use it, though, and pulling so much of it at once almost burned out my coils. I've only just gotten back the use of chakra because of Kyuubi working overtime. Using Kyuubi's chakra seems to be working alright for now, which is probably the only reason I could pull off Gamabunta, but I could only barely summon 'Kichi with my own chakra."

"Well, shit! You should've told me that BEFORE I had you start summoning! If you burn out your coils then you're basically cut off from all the best stuff I can teach you!" Jiraiya nearly shouted, before calming down. "…still, it's pretty damn impressive that you drove him off. Not many can boast that. However, you'll probably never get the chance to pull something like that again since he'll be taking you seriously now, and burning out your coils for a single technique is a pretty steep price, so keep well away from him in the future. Anything else?"

"Well, I know some Taijutsu from training with Gai and Rock Lee. I wouldn't say I'm a master at it, but I'm okay in a fight…"

"Good. Then let's go with training your Taijutsu for a while. We'll get back to training your Ninjutsu after you've had a week or two to fix yourself up. So, show me what you've got." Jiraiya settled into a stance that Naruto wasn't familiar with. Nevertheless, Naruto smirked.

"Alright, then! Try not to bust a hip, old-timer!" a split second later, Jiraiya's foot was in his stomach, sending him flying into the ground. Naruto wheezed, breath completely knocked out of him.

"Brat! You're one-hundred years too early to get away with trash-talking to me in a fight!" Jiraiya shot back, lowering his foot. "I only used a tenth of my full strength, so I know you're not down for the count. Now get back up and fight!"

"**You got cocky, fleshbag, and now you're paying the price. Never forget that before he's a pervert and an idiot, he's the man that trained the one that actually managed to seal away the most powerful being outside of the gods." **Kyuubi berated.

'_Kyuubi… I didn't… think you cared…'_

"**I don't. However, by acting like a dumbass and getting your ass kicked, you're making me look bad by association! Now get up and show him that I'm the most powerful being in existence!" **Kyuubi roared.

'_Of course… it's all about you, isn't it.'_ Naruto deadpanned as he pushed himself up. "Dammit… that was a fluke!"

"Uh-huh. Sure."

"Just you watch!" Naruto shouted as he raced forward in a painfully sloppy punch. Jiraiya rolled his eyes as he reached to grab it. However, as he did Naruto suddenly changed stances and whipped at the Sannin's side with a tight roundhouse kick. Reacting quickly, Jiraiya grabbed the boy by the ankle and tossed him up into the air.

'_YESSS! Perfect set-up!'_ Naruto thought to himself as he snapped his legs together and threw his center of gravity upwards, carrying himself even higher. Jiraiya's eyes widened as Naruto twirled in the air and plunged downward, slamming into the place he just was a second ago with both feet. The tiny crater surprised him even more.

"That was Blind Dive, wasn't it?" Jiraiya asked, surprised. "Gai was teaching you Falcon Leg?"

"Yeah, so?" Naruto asked.

"That's a fairly difficult style that very few people even use, let alone master. He must have really liked you to start teaching you that." Jiraiya smirked. "Fortunately, you happen to be speaking to one of the few Masters of the Falcon Leg style!"

"What? Bullshit, I didn't see falcon leg in any of the moves you threw at me!"

"My regular style is a mixture of four different styles to throw off people's defenses. Falcon Leg is only one of them." Jiraiya then settled into an odd-looking stance, which Naruto could only assume was an advanced Falcon Leg style. "So! Show me what you've got, kid!"

"You're on!"

* * *

Day 10/30

* * *

"YOUTH!" Lee screamed as he punted the tree as hard as he could. A loud crack rang out, and Lee followed up with a flurry of kicks. "ORARARARARARARARARAAA!" With a groan, the tree toppled to the ground. "YOSH! If I cannot kick down one-hundred trees by sunset, then I will shatter two-hundred boulders with my fists! And if I cannot do that, I will do five-hundred laps around Konoha on a unicycle!"

"YOSH!" Gai exclaimed, chopping the tree into rough planks with his fists. "Excellent, my young and hip student! We now have enough materials to begin the next phase of the training!" he slammed a dozen of the planks down in a square shape, then pushed nails in halfway with his pointer finger all over the resulting junctions.

"Ah! Yes, Gai-sensei!" Lee ended his youth rant.

"The purpose of this training is simple! All you have to do is remove the nails from the wood, move the wood to this position," Gai marked off an X in the dirt, "and reform that structure as fast as you can!"

"Yes, Gai-sensei! This will be easy!" as Lee began to reach in, Gai slapped his hands away.

"Not so fast, Lee! I have not even told you the most youthful part of the training yet!" he pulled a small can from unspeakable places and poured the contents over the pile. "For this challenge…" the snapped his fingers so hard a spark lit, and the logs ignited. "The logs will be on fire!"

"U-UWOOOOOOH!" Lee shouted, eyes sparkling. "TH-THANK YOU, Gai-sensei! Now I will finally see if my flames of youth burn brighter than the flames of fire!" Lee's hands began moving. "Ow! Ow! Oww!"

"Do not worry about the burns, my adorable student! For afterwards, we will be swimming up waterfalls!"

"UWOOOOOWWWWWW!"

* * *

"Fooooooood…!" Naruto moaned as he hobbled into Ichiraku on a makeshift crutch.

"Geez, kid, would you lay off with the pity-mongering? People are starting to stare…" Jiraiya glanced nervously around.

"No! You're the one who laid the beat-down on me, mister let's-do-taijutsu-practice-at-the-beach-while-trying-to-waterwalk-on-the-choppy-ocean!" Naruto growled. Jiraiya looked offended.

"Such an ungrateful student! I'll have you know that that training method is highly effective and has been passed down since the Nidaime Hokage!"

"yeah, and the fact that you spent more time ogling girls in bikinis than fighting with me has nothing to do with it." Naruto drawled.

"I still kicked your ass and taught you things about Falcon Leg, didn't I?"

"…"

"Exactly! I can multitask perfectly!" Jiraiya sat down on the stool and slapped the counter. "Oi, Teuchi! Bring out some Tonkatsu and warmed sake for me, and half a dozen ramen bowls for the brat!"

"Hey! Don't go ordering for me!" Naruto protested.

"It's what you were going to get, wasn't it?"

"…shut up!"

"Coming right up!" Teuchi called from the back. "It's good to see you, Jiraiya! You haven't been here in a long time!"

"Heh! Fifteen years, as I recall!" Jiraiya chuckled. "The last time I was down this way was Minato's bachelor party, wasn't it?"

"Hah! You took the boy bar hopping, and finally came this way when you were both too drunk to stand!" Teuchi laughed. "You spilled your sake all over yourself and thought you pissed your pants!"

"I don't even remember that!" Jiraiya protested as Naruto guffawed.

"I do!"

"Bah… you're going senile."

"Listen to the pot calling the wok black!" Teuchi laughed.

"Shut up!" Jiraiya waved him off and looked at Naruto. "You done, brat?"

"Just… just a minute… heeheehee…!" Naruto trailed off into a soft giggle.

"Right. So, I never really asked you this, but who else is in the Chuunin exams? Who else besides your swordsman could we have to deal with?"

"Umm… well, we have Sasuke."

"An Uchiha." Jiraiya rubbed his chin. "If he were trained by someone who knew the inner workings of the Sharingan, he could be a real pain in the ass, but he's only had his sister, who probably knows only a little more than he does, and Kakashi, who's not a real Uchiha. Continue."

"Umm… we have Shino. He's an Aburame."

"Hah!" Jiraiya scoffed. "That's cake for you. Not only are you a living chakra battery, which cancels one of the few clan techniques he probably has at this point, but you've got the toads, too! You fight him, and you've got it in the bag. Who else?"

"Well, there's rock Lee. He's a Taijutsu freak, and Gai's full-blown apprentice."

"Hoo, boy. There's a bad combo. He's probably a sponge when it comes to that stuff, and Gai's an excellent Taijutsu teacher. Still, you've trained with him, right?" Jiraiya asked. Naruto nodded. "Then you know how he fights, to a point. That evens things out a bit. Next?"

Umm… we've got that teammate of my last opponent… uh, what's her name… Kagero something. Kyuubi doesn't like her."

"Kyuubi's the personification of hatred; I'd be surprised if he likes anybody."

"Well, this is kind of a different hatred. He… kind of called her a slut."

"Oh." Jiraiya looked perturbed. "Well. That's… harsh."

"Yeah… he called her a shotacon, too."

"Yikes. He sounds like a scorned lover." Jiraiya sighed. "Still, if I'm reading this right, then she's probably a seductress. Am I right?"

"…"

"I'm right, then. They're masters of manipulating emotions. They know how to get in your head and make you feel what they want you to feel. Contrary to their name, seduction techniques don't even have to make you feel horny. They can make you feel enraged beyond imagining, so you slip up and give them an opening, or extremely depressed, and simply let them kill you. She probably uses poisons of some sort, too, right?"

"Yeah…"

"Even worse. Some venoms and chemicals out there can enhance your emotions while they boil you from the inside, making it doubly easy for them to slit your throat. Pray that she gets taken out of the running before you fight her, because I don't think I can work your resistance to seduction techniques enough to stand up to someone like her in time."

"So, she's not actually a…"

"What, a slut? Probably not. The really good ones always practice their craft, even when not in battle or an operation, just to keep their edge. I'd be surprised if she wasn't a virgin, actually. She's, what, sixteen, seventeen?"

"Something like that."

"Probably a virgin, or at the very least, not especially used to having sex. She definitely hasn't been sent on a true seduction op. Kiri's done a lot of questionable things, but directly encouraging pedophilia in any form isn't one of them. Anybody else?"

"Umm… ah, geez…" Naruto felt both fear and pity flow through him. "We've got Gaara, from Suna. He's the Ichibi."

"What, Shukaku? Ah, shit. That's gonna be a real pain in the ass. That ultimate defense and autonomous sand makes the Ichibi jinchuurikis a real headache to deal with. Still, if he follows tradition, then he probably doesn't know much else, and he'll just stand in one place and have his sand chase you around. If you can hose him down with a Suiton, you're good to go."

"Wait, what?" Naruto asked confusedly. "How do you know all that? And what do you mean jinchuurikis? Gaara's the only Jinchuuriki for the one-tail."

"Kid, if you think that that Gaara kid is the first person Shukaku's ever been stuck in, then you're dead wrong." Jiraiya scoffed. "Hell, every single Bijuu has probably been sealed in half-a-dozen people each. They're like the village bike, almost."

"What? Really?"

"Yeah! Shukaku's probably on his fourth sealing, and that's nothing compared to Kumo! I don't know whether those guys are the worst sealers out there or the best, 'cause their Bijuu just keep getting flopped around! Last I heard, the Hachibi once got sealed twenty different times in the same decade before they finally got him to settle down with his current guy." Jiraiya laughed.

"So… who was the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki before me?"

Silence.

"Uuuh…" Jiraiya finally realized his error.

"Ramen's ready!" Ayame chirped as she set down Naruto's bowls. "Your tonkatsu will be ready shortly!"

"Who was the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki before me?" Naruto repeated. "Everybody knows about me. Why haven't I heard any hatred for the last container?"

"Naruto…" Jiraiya straightened up. Gone was the pervy ninja, and in his place was the legendary ninja. "I'm sorry, but that information is classified."

"Why? I'm directly involved! I have a right to know!"

"Naruto!" Jiraiya shouted. Naruto gave a start. "It's not the fact that it's being hidden from you, it's the fact that nobody knows! The second Kyuubi Jinchuuriki was a well-kept secret, known only to the Hokage, the Hokage's elite ANBU that answers only to him, her clan, and me! The fact that you are made such a spectacle of is…" Jiraiya paused. "…unfortunate, and something I deeply disagree with the old man on, but it was done. The previous Kyuubi Jinchuuriki wasn't even originally from this village! They took care of the sealing far from here, where nobody without clearance would ever find out!"

"I… I didn't know…"

"If you did, then we aren't doing our jobs right." Jiraiya cracked. "But seriously. You will eventually find out who the previous Jinchuuriki was. Even if nobody knew she was the Jinchuuriki, she was a much-beloved figure in the village. Even if they did know, I don't think anybody would have cared much, since the fox hadn't done anything to Konoha yet, and the first Jinchuuriki was the Shodaime's wife."

"Whoa…" Naruto couldn't find the words.

"Yeah. Whoa. People knew about the first's status, but the transfer of the Kyuubi was done in absolute secrecy, so when the first died, they thought the Kyuubi had been taken with her. This was done to throw off anybody who would think to try and steal the Kyuubi now that it wasn't sealed in somebody that half the village had their eyes on."

"Oh…" Naruto was silent for a moment. "Umm… what happened to the second Jinchuuriki?"

Jiraiya sighed at the question. "She died, due mostly to… complications in childbirth." Jiraiya rubbed the crease of his brow. "Her seal wasn't nearly as extensive as the seal you have, since she was sealed when she was a teenager, so when she died, the Kyuubi broke free. The fox created chaos until…"

"Until the fourth got his game together." Naruto finished.

"Yeah, I suppose you could call it that."

"…thanks, I guess."

"For what?"

"For telling me the truth. I know you're still hiding stuff from me, but you're at least giving me this much."

"Heh. No problem kid." Jiraiya smiled as Ayame brought out his tonkatsu.

"So when do I find out who she is?"

"When you become a Jounin."

"What! That's a load of bullshit!" Naruto shouted.

"Hahaha! Them's the breaks, kid!"

"You know what, I'll just ask the fox! He'll tell me who she-"

"**No I won't."**

'What! Why not?'

"**Because it will piss you off, and I've been far too un-spiteful of you recently. It's time for me to get back in good habits."**

"Grrr…! Stupid fox!" Naruto growled. Jiraiya just laughed harder.

* * *

Day 11/30

* * *

"Alright, it looks like your chakra coils are in serviceable condition." Jiraiya waved his glowing green hand over Naruto's body.

"I didn't know you knew medical Jutsu." Naruto commented.

"What, this? This diagnostic scan is just about the only thing I DO know for medical Jutsu, and that's from hanging around one of my teammates. Her being the buxom medical savant that she is, even I'd be able to pick up a few things from watching her… work." Jiraiya grew a slightly pervy look, before shaking it away. "Anyways! Let's focus on the swordsman now. You remember the seals for Doton: Yomi Numa?"

"Ah… vaguely. Could you show me again? I don't want my hands blown off 'cause I remembered a seal wrong." Naruto then made a mental note to start writing down awesome Jutsu that he saw and wanted to learn.

"Yeah, that'd be bad, even with your regeneration." Jiraiya nodded. He showed him the two seals, and raised his hands up. "Doton: Yomi Numa!" his slammed his hands down, and a massive bog spread out around them. "You got that?"

"Yeah." Naruto ran the seals. "Doton: Yomi Numa!" he bashed the ground… and a small puddle of brownish water formed beneath him. "Aww, man!" Naruto threw his hands up.

"Wait, wait, let's not go jumping to conclusions!" Jiraiya held up his hands. "There's more than one way to judge this." He picked up a stick as long as his leg and prodded the puddle. It easily slid in and out. "Hmm… it's got no grip to it, but…" he shoved it downwards, and it went all the way up to the hilt. "I was right. You concentrated all the chakra into one specific place, and it reacted accordingly. It's not thick or wide-spread, but I'll bet you anything that it's very deep. I guess that's as much as I could expect for your first time."

"Whew…" Naruto sighed. "At least I'm not a total screw-up. Let's try that again! Doton: Yomi Numa!" he slammed his hands down once more… and hit a muddy puddle barely wrist-deep. "What! That was way worse than the first try!"

"Huh?" Jiraiya scratched his head. "That's odd… how is the first try better than the second…?" he scratched his head, before slapping his palm. "OH! I get it now! You've got a chakra transition problem!"

"Chakra transition?" Naruto asked confusedly.

"What, they didn't teach you about it in the academy?" Jiraiya asked.

"No, not really."

"Bah. Peace-time teachings. They always slack on the advanced theory." Jiraiya sat down cross-legged. "Right, so! Here's basically how it goes. Every time you use an elemental Jutsu, chakra is supposed to change from a 'neutral' state to a 'charged' state. This 'charged' state can depend on whatever Jutsu you're using, from the five basic elements, to the more advanced elements that are generally reserved for bloodlines. Now, in a perfect world, everyone would start out with a neutral chakra and be able to use any Jutsu with equal skill, but each person is predisposed to reflexively charge their chakra with a specific element. We don't know how these elements get chosen, or why, we just know that it happens. Now, do you remember the element wheel?"

"Yeah." Naruto nodded. "Fire, water, earth, lightning, and wind, right?"

"Right. So, each person is predisposed to one of these five elements. While that means that they'll be especially skilled in their predisposed element, that also means that they'll be far less skilled in the element they're opposed by. So, if somebody is predisposed to fire, then that means that they will have far more trouble learning water techniques than, say, someone with a lightning affinity. If you pour enough chakra into the technique, it'll work to a certain degree no matter what your affinity is, but if you try to get real tricky with the technique, it'll require some actual transition, which is where your problem comes in."

"So, does that mean that I have a lightning affinity?" Naruto asked, slightly understanding. Jiraiya frowned.

"No, no, that doesn't make sense! If you were able to pull off a Jutsu like the one you used on Orochimaru with barely any elemental training, then that is clear-cut evidence of a wind element, and a damn powerful one, too!" Jiraiya argued. "And wind wouldn't affect earth! I highly doubt you've developed a secondary element at your age unless…" Jiraiya trailed off. "Unless…!"

"Unless?"

"Unless… yes, yes, that would make sense. The seal is meant to take in its chakra bit by bit and purify it, so it is in your system… that might be throwing off the transition enough to slow training…" Jiraiya nodded. "Naruto. I have half a mind to say that the Kyuubi has a Lightning element."

"Really?" Naruto asked.

"I'm almost positive. Your seal is meant to take in the fox's chakra bit by bit and purify it, adding it to your own. It's why you've got the ungodly large chakra reserves that you do. I'll bet that the chakra that you're absorbing, however, has just enough of an elemental charge left to it that it's throwing off the transition of the Jutsu. If I had some chakra paper, I'd test my theory, but for now, let's just go with it."

"Huh. I would have thought the fuzz-butt was a Fire element." Naruto shrugged.

"You'd think that, but it makes sense. Lightning has almost absolutely no defensive uses for it, and is pretty much an entirely offensive-type element. Can you see the fox's power being used for ANY positive purposes?"

"I thought the whole point of the Bijuu was that they were all walking monsters of destruction."

"Not the point. Some of the other Bijuu can actually be used for positive purposes." Jiraiya shook his head. "Not the point! The Kyuubi's throwing off your earth Jutsu. Now, there's two ways we can go about this. We can use the right way, or the fast way."

"Huh?"

"The right way is to go through elemental training, which would give you a much better control over that element and you'd be able to do all Doton Jutsu much easier, but that can takes years of training that almost all ninja just don't put the effort into. Then there's the fast way, which is to just pound on the same Jutsu over and over and over, until your chakra transforming for that single technique is made into a muscle memory. Since we obviously don't have time to go through elemental training, we'll use the fast way."

"Right!" Naruto nodded.

"Now get cracking!" Jiraiya flashed a seal, and a pile of palm-sized stones jumped out of the ground. Another seal made the pile glow. "Do that Jutsu over and over! Every time you don't get the bog wider or deeper, one of these rocks gets chucked into your head!"

"WHAT?"

THONK!

"OW!"

"And if you take too long to do the next Jutsu, you'll also get a rock to the head!"

"DAMMIT ERO-SENNIN!"

"Gahahahaha!" Jiraiya laughed manically wringing his hands.

One Hour Later…

"Alright, stop." Jiraiya held up his hand. Naruto collapsed to the ground, rubbing the bruises-on-bruises his head had gained.

"Dammit… if I get a concussion from this, you're getting my hospital bill…"

"Like the Kyuubi hasn't patched a thousand-and-a-half concussions for you already?" Jiraiya remarked. "Slamming a baby's head into a wall is a rather effective way of killing."

"… Seriously? Somebody tried to do that to me?"

"I dunno. I'm just throwing it out there."

"… way to make yourself not look like a total psychopath, ero-sadist."

"You know," Jiraiya drawled, "I kinda miss the ero-sensei. It had a better ring to it."

"Don't like the name, don't play the game." Naruto felt the swelling decreasing underneath his fingers and sat up. "So, why exactly did we stop, ero-sadist?"

"Well, I've figured out how fast your chakra-transition memory is developing, and it's not looking good. If we had you doing this non-stop, without breaks for food, bathroom breaks or sleep, you'd maybe get it to an acceptable level in about two weeks."

"Two WEEKS!" Naruto squawked. "I can't waste two whole weeks learning just one Jutsu! I've only got twenty days left until the exam; I need to get a bunch of Jutsu learned before then, not just one! You said this was the fast way!"

"It IS the fast way! The right way takes years of work!" Jiraiya retorted, before calming himself. "Anyway, regardless, we don't need to spend that much time. You've got the actual muscle memory ingrained perfectly; all we need is the chakra-transition memory to go along with it. And if that's our only problem, then I know the perfect shortcut." Jiraiya formed a familiar seal.

"Kage Bunshin!" Naruto exclaimed, the light dawning.

"Exactly." Jiraiya dropped the seal, unused. "Now, make five clones and get them working on the technique."

"I can do a lot better than five!" Naruto flickered, and a hundred of him popped into existence. "Go at it, guys!"

"Not a chance!" Jiraiya roared as he barreled into the crowd. With a cacophony of POOFs, all but five clones disappeared.

"What!" Naruto protested. "Why! I've done thousands of clones!"

"And how many of them have lasted more than five minutes?" Jiraiya asked. Naruto opened his mouth, and then closed it, pondering. "Exactly. Kage Bunshin is a great training aid, but as the old saying goes, too much of a good thing is a bad thing. We once had a kid like you in the village. Massive chakra reserves and a thirst for knowledge like you wouldn't believe. So, he learns the Kage Bunshin and gets a hundred clones to read every book in the library."

"Yeah?"

"The second he dismissed them all, his brain liquefied." Jiraiya said with a straight face. Naruto's face froze in shock. "The human mind isn't meant for that kind of sensory input all at once. A bunch of clones for a short amount of time is perfectly fine, and so are a few clones for a long time. The mind can sort all that out through a few migraines. But it you mix the two, boom. Chunky salsa."

"I… I didn't know…" Naruto whispered.

"Of course not. How could you? It wasn't one of the main reasons the technique was banned, since few people even had the chakra to pull something like that off, let alone the disposition." Jiraiya shrugged. "Now, I don't claim to know how the Kyuubi affects any of that. After all, he could act as a buffer of sorts and slow the process enough to allow greater cataloguing ability. All the same, try not to pull anything REALLY stupid with it, alright?"

"Yeah… "All as one, the five clones formed the two seals. "Doton: Yomi Numa!"

* * *

Day 16/30

* * *

"Doton: Yomi Numa!" Naruto shouted as he slammed his hands down. The ground liquefied and spread, before the entire landscape was a bubbly bog-filled mass. "YES! VICTORY!" Naruto whooped.

"Not so fast, brat." Jiraiya said, walking atop the bog untouched. "It looks real pretty, but we've gotta see if it actually does its job right." he flashed a few seals, and an earth clone rose up from the ground. "Hit it and get it." Jiraiya pointed at the bog, and the clone charged like a herd of lemmings. It hit the swamp and was instantly transfixed. Nevertheless, it continued to struggle, and it sank lower and lower until even the tips of its white hair had disappeared into the muck. "Nice."

"WOOHOO!" Naruto cheered. "I finally mastered it!"

"That'll definitely put a stop to that swordsman. Now, let's see if we can't jam any more techniques in that brain of yours for the last ten days…" Jiraiya struck a thinking pose. "Hmm… I wonder if you'd be good at-"

"Wait, what? Ten days? We have two whole weeks left! Are trying to ditch me, ero-sadist?" Naruto shouted.

"No!" Jiraiya protested, looking very much offended. "I'm not about to work you to the bone in the last four days before the exam! That's your recuperation time! I didn't put all this effort into you just for you to fail in the first round because your muscles were still sore or something!"

"Yeah, whatever. You're ditching me to go peeping. Don't even try to deny it."

"I never deny when I go peeping!" Jiraiya said indignantly. "I am the Super Pervert! Why would I have to hide what I do? If I say I'm not going peeping, then I'm not going peeping!"

"Bah…"

"Yeah, I win." Jiraiya struck a victory pose before becoming serious again. "So, if the swordsman dude decides to get wise and try to water-walk on the bog- which wouldn't work, by the way, he'd still be stuck, but it would certainly stop him from sinking any lower- we'll use this on him." Jiraiya flashed through many seals. "Fuuton: Reppusho!" a blast of wind shot out from his hands and slammed into the canopy of a nearby tree. Every single branch was snapped clean in two.

"This is a blunt-force wind technique, which makes it a bit different from other wind techniques as most others have some cutting action involved. It can easily knock that sucker off his feet, even if he's trying to stick to the ground. Heck, sticking to the ground might make it work even better, since it might give it more of a chance to crack a rib or something."

"Sweet…" Naruto grinned.

"Hey, hey, I haven't even gotten to the best part yet!" Jiraiya bragged. "Since it's a wind Jutsu, and it's concentrated into a densely-packed area, you can use it to blow away poison clouds, smoke screens, mist techniques, any type of gas will fold like a deck of cards before it. Use it on any projectiles heading at you, and they'll flip right around and head for the other guy. And in my experience, it's a killer counter for raiton jutsu, and it mixes great with fire techniques to give the flames a boost."

"Awesome. Show me those hand seals again, will ya?"

"Sure, sure." Jiraiya flashed the seals at a slower pace. Naruto copied them perfectly.

"Fuuton: Reppusho!" Naruto cried out as he thrust his hands forward. The wind shot forward and slammed into a tree trunk. Naruto massaged his head. "Whoa. That's… that's kinda weird."

"What?"

"My chakra felt kinda funky when I did that technique. It felt… I can't even describe it, but it definitely felt weird."

"That's probably a side-effect of doing nothing but that earth technique for so long and then suddenly switching back to your natural element. Don't worry; it'll pass once you've done some other techniques." Jiraiya frowned. "But, now that I think about it, this is a bit more difficult to measure… how to mark your progress…" he snapped his fingers. "Aha!" he flashed through some seals, and two earth clones rose up from the ground. "Alright. I made these clones to weigh twice my weight plus all the armor and gear I'm wearing, so that's easily four-hundred or five-hundred pounds on each clone. Keep doing that technique until you're able to blow these guys away."

"Yes, ero-sadist!"

"c'mon, Naruto, stop that! People will get weird thoughts about me if you call me that!"

"I'm sorry for you, ero-sadist!"

"Pleeeeeease?"

"No, ero-sadist!"

* * *

Day 20/30

* * *

"Fuuton: Reppusho!" Naruto cried out as he blasted his technique at the clone's heads. The clones wobbled dangerously, before tipping backwards and shattering like clay on the ground. Jiraiya clapped.

"Good, good. I'm actually kind of impressed you figured out that aiming thing. It's certainly creative."

"Well, all the weight's gonna be at the body and feet, so it's not gonna move there, right?" Naruto explained. "So, I aimed at their faces, since it's the exact opposite of the weight. It'd create a… what do you call it…"

"A fulcrum?" Jiraiya supplied.

"Yeah, sure."

"Nice. Turn the entire clone into a lever and topple it. And if you used that on a real person, not only would they fold like a deck of cards, but they'd be blind for quite a while because of all that wind to their eyes. Effective." Jiraiya grinned. "I always get the good students. Who needs a genius when you've got a hard worker?"

"What if you're a genius AND a hard worker?" Naruto asked.

"Well, then you'd be the Yondaime."

"WOOHOO!" Naruto cheered. "Take that! I'm gonna beat your record and be the most awesomest Hokage yet, Yondaime! You just watch!"

"Well, then you'd need to get a 'flee-on-sight' order from every other village out there." Jiraiya said wryly. Naruto's face showed his shock.

"No way!" he exclaimed. "How the heck did he do that?"

"Well, he only got it from Iwa, but the other villages were about to do it just out of principle before he died. And it was entirely because of his signature Jutsu that gave him the name 'the yellow flash'." Jiraiya smiled.

"TEACHMETEACHMETEACHMETACH-"

"Nope." Jiraiya said simply.

"What!" Naruto squawked. "Why!"

"Because I don't know it. He took the secrets of the Hiraishin to his grave." Jiraiya said simply. "And don't think that other people haven't tried to crack it, either. I know for a fact that there's been an entire division in the Iwa R and D department dedicated to trying to deciphering the seals behind it for longer than you've been alive, and they still haven't figured out a scrap."

"What?" Naruto was stunned. "What the heck did the Yondaime put into his technique that makes it so undecipherable? You'd think that an entire research department would have figured out something in over twelve years!"

"Beats me, kid." Jiraiya shrugged. "You'd have to ask the man himself what he did. Personally, I think he learned the true name of lightning and incorporated it into the seal. I have NO idea how he would have figured that one out, though."

"True name? What's that?"

"Advanced theory. REALLY advanced theory. If you get into seal-making, I might tell you." Jiraiya cracked his neck. "Ah, that was good work. Another day, another Jutsu. Go home, kid, and hit the showers. Get here bright and early tomorrow, and I'll teach you some various tricks I've learned over my career. See ya." And Jiraiya disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

"You know, I'm kind of wondering why Jiraiya's been so helpful this time around. Why didn't he teach me all of these elemental Jutsu and these advanced theories in my first life?" Naruto asked.

"**Frankly? Because you were a complete dumbass in your first life. All of this stuff he's been telling you would have gone completely over your head if he tried to tell you before you kicked the bucket." **Kyuubi interjected.

"Huh… I guess…" Naruto scratched his head. "I wonder why that is…" a picture of a swirl appeared in his mind, and he snapped his fingers. "Hey, I bet that's it! Those upgrade thingys! The ones that were supposed to boost my intelligence!"

"**That might be it. If I had to guess, it boosted your potential to learn instead of your actual intelligence. Like, it didn't teach you stuff, but it boosted your IQ. You'd have to still have somebody teach you the stuff, but you'd actually know what they were talking about when they taught you." **Kyuubi was silent, before he laughed. **"HA! I bet I know what REALLY made him so helpful!"**

"What?"

"**You've never once shown him your Oroike no Jutsu, so he doesn't know you can turn into a chick!" **Naruto blinked, before bursting out into laughter.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Naruto fell to the ground, clutching his sides. "HAHahahah, oh, god, that's iHAHAHAHAH!" Naruto grinned. "I got one over the perv! He wasn't always thinking of when I could turn into a naked girl for him, so he actually taught me stuff! HA! Score one point in the war against pervs!"

"**Just so you know, I'm on the side of the pervs, so you're going to lose."**

"No I'm not! I'll kick your ass, too!"

"**I highly doubt that."**

"Yes I will."

"**No you won't."**

"Yes I will!"

"**No, you won't."**

"Yes, I will!"

"**No, you won't…"

* * *

**

Day 26/30

* * *

"Well, that's just about all I can teach you without wearing you out for the tournament. If you make Chuunin, I'll look you up." Jiraiya turned and waved over his shoulder. "Give 'em hell, kid."

"Thanks, ero-sadist!" Naruto called at his retreating back.

"… Stupid brats… where the hell do they get these names…" Jiraiya muttered as he walked away. And then, almost like magic, he faded away in the sunlight. Naruto blinked.

"Wha… what the hell was that?"

"**Damn impressive is what it was. I didn't even see him do hand seals for that." **Kyuubi said approvingly.

"Geez… if I didn't know better, I'd say that that old perv had kicked it and that was his ghost teaching me." Naruto shuddered. "Getting taught by a ghost… brrr…"

"**!" **Kyuubi made a strange noise and seemed to perk up. **"What's this…!"**

"What?"

"**My hottie senses are tingling! Hyuuga bombshell behind the tree at 7 O' clock!" **the fox rattled off. Naruto suddenly had the image of him pointing like a hunting dog at downed prey, and he stifled a snort. **"What!"**

"Nothing, nothing…" Naruto grinned, and tensed, before dead-rushing the tree. Hinata let out a squeak as Naruto whirled around and pinned her to the tree. "Hey."

"N-N-N-N-!" Hinata was the color of a tomato.

"Hey, come on now!" he grinned, leaning against the tree with one hand. "Why are you so nervous around me?"

"N-N-Narut-to-kun…" Hinata finally stammered out. "Wh-wh-what…?"

"What?" he smiled cheekily and leaned in slowly. "A guy is allowed to put the moves on his girlfriend, right?"

Silence.

"Uhh…" Naruto frowned. Hinata's eyes had glazed over. "Hey, come on now, don't faint on me."

"But-you-I-then-wha…?" Hinata babbled incoherently.

"Ah, geez… don't tell me you thought that me kissing you and making you my girlfriend was a dream, too?" Naruto asked.

"Th-then…" Hinata looked up ever so slowly.

"Yeah, you're my girlfriend." Naruto grinned. "Sorry I haven't come to see you in a while, but my teacher's been running me ragged this past month."

"I-I-I…" Hinata stammered. Interestingly enough to Naruto, her blush was receding. "I-I understand… Kurenai-sensei has also b-been pushing me hard… as has m-my…" she trailed off.

"Your family?" Naruto asked, eyes growing hard. Hinata looked away, not answering. Naruto smiled, wiping away his irritation. "Well, forget those sticks in the mud! Right now, it's just you and me! I was just planning to go to Ichiraku's right now, but now that you're here, we can make this a team effort? So, what do you say? Do we have a date?"

Hinata swayed like a drunk, clutching her heart. Naruto frowned and lightly slapped her shoulders to insure she wouldn't faint. "YES!" she screamed as soon as she regained her composure.

"Heh! Enthusiastic! I like that!" Naruto grinned. He held out an arm for her. "Shall we head out?" Hinata grabbed the offered limb like she was clutching a lifeline.

"Y-y-yes…!" Hinata stammered.

"**Damn, boy. She's just about to cream herself just by holding your arm. And here I thought all Hyuuga didn't even know how to put tab A into slot B." **Kyuubi commented.

'I'm not listening, I'm not listening…'

"**Still, good thing you mentioned Hinata to the old Lech yesterday. You wouldn't have been able to pull off half that stuff back there without him teaching you the entire day." **The fox then snorted. **"Hell, you probably would have tripped over your own feet in that run you made!"**

'Still not listening, still not listening…!'

"**Fine, ignore me. Still doesn't change the fact that I've got more experience in this than you ever will." **And the fox fell silent. Naruto breathed a sigh of relief.

"So, Hinata, how have you been you been?" he asked, walking slowly into town towards Ichiraku's.

"I, ah, I've b-been well." Hinata stammered, her blush returning. The blonde could only imagine what was running through her mind at the moment.

"Anything interesting happen to you recently?" Naruto asked.

"Ah, n-nothing out of the ordinary…" Hinata answered. Naruto frowned.

'She's not giving too much to make a conversation with… I suppose that's because of her jackass family, too…' Naruto smiled. "Oh, well! You can't have adventures every day, right? Otherwise, when they do happen, they wouldn't be adventures anymore!"

"I g-g-guess so…" Hinata murmured.

"So, you learn any good moves from your sensei?" Naruto asked, before he held up a hand. "No, wait, don't answer that. We might end up fighting each other in the finals." Hinata seemed stricken at the thought.

"B-b-but n-Naruto-kun…!" she exclaimed, before her head drooped. "I… I d-don't think that w-will happen…"

"What? Why not? I've already kicked one of this guy's teammates around, and I've been learning stuff from a strong teacher! And you're really good at fighting, so you'll beat that chick you have to fight and make it too!" Hinata jerked her head up in surprise. "Yeah!" Naruto nodded. "You just have to make sure her taunts don't get through to you and dodge those knives of hers! My teacher was telling me that she's probably a seductress, and that her main way of fighting was to screw with your head to make it easier to beat you!"

"a-ah, is that so…?" Hinata asked.

"So, if you just use earplugs or something, and just dodge her knives, you'll have no problem beating her!" Ichiraku came into sight, and the blonde grinned. "Food! Wonderful!" Naruto pushed away the flaps and sat both of them down at stools. "Oi, Teuchi-jiji! I'm back!"

"Naruto, my favorite cash cow!" Teuchi joked as he walked out from the back. "Oh, and guest! What can I get for you?"

"Get me an Uzumaki special!" Naruto declared.

"There's no such thing as an Uzumaki special!" Teuchi fired back.

"You know what I mean! Get me half-a-dozen bowls of miso ramen!"

"Is that what the Uzumaki special is, now?" Teuchi said amiably. "I'll have to remember that. And what will you have, miss?" Hinata remained silent, twiddling her thumbs as she stared at the menu on the wall. "Might I suggest the pork? We're having a special on it today."

"A-ano… the pork sounds fine…" Hinata managed to say.

"I'll be back with the pork in a bit! Naruto, you'll have to wait longer for your order!" Teuchi disappeared into the back as Naruto protested.

"What? Why is my order taking longer?"

"You thinking making half-a-dozen bowls of ramen at once is a quick effort?" Ayame asked as she joined them at the counter. "So, a Hyuuga girl? Who's this little cutie?"

"This is Hinata! Today's our first official date!" Naruto grinned and pulled her close. Ayame smirked at the sight of steam shooting out Hinata's ears from the contact.

"I see, I see. Though, don't you think you should bring her somewhere a tad bit nicer for a first date? Not some five-star restaurant, mind you, but a street stall for ramen isn't exactly treating a girl."

"A-ano…" Hinata whispered. "I-I'm f-fine with I-it… as l-long as n-Naruto-kun is h-having fun…"

"No, no, no!" Ayame shook her head. "It's the man's job to make sure the girl is having fun! It doesn't matter what he thinks!"

"Oi! My opinion definitely matters! I'm the future Hokage, dangit!" Naruto declared.

"Yeah, and unless you want to be a love-less Hokage, you still follow what we say!" Ayame grinned. "We have the boobs, so we make the rules!"

"A-ano…!" Hinata's head jerked back and forth as the proverbial tennis ball bounced back and forth.

"But I'm the freakin' future Hokage! I make the rules for the entire village! I don't do whatever a girl says if I absolutely hate it, no matter how cute she is!"

"Then you're not going to be popular with women."

"That's not being popular, that's being pussy-whipped!" Naruto retorted. "And last I checked, most women don't like guys who have no spines! They like CONFIDENCE!"

"Since when do you even talk to women besides me? That's right, you don't!"

"Grr…!" Naruto growled, whipping around to Hinata. "Hinata! Who do you think is right? I'm right, right?"

"a-ah!" Hinata stammered, turning bright red.

"Naruto, don't pressure her just because she's your date! Besides, you should be treating her, because that's what men do! Isn't that right, sweetie?" Ayame smiled disarmingly.

"A-ahhh…!" Hinata looked as if she wanted to pass out again.

"AYAME!" Teuchi shouted, walking out with two bowls of ramen. "Stop alienating customers by shoving your views down their throat and get back in the kitchen! Otherwise, you're not getting paid!" Ayame jerked up and rushed back around the counter.

"Yes, dad!" she shouted as she rushed into the back. Teuchi sighed.

"Geez… I swear, we'd have a lot more customers if she didn't feel the need to debate with every single person who walks in about whatever cause she's taken up at the moment." He then grinned wryly. "Still, she'll make one hell of a politician when she decides to move out." he placed the two bowls down. "Sorry about that. The first bowls are on the house."

"Yeah! Thanks, Teuchi-jiji!" Naruto shouted.

"A-arigato…" Hinata said politely.

"Speaking to me in such a high-class way? I'm flattered." Teuchi grinned. "The rest of your bowls will be right out, Naruto."

"Thanks, jiji!" Naruto smiled as Teuchi walked away, before turning to Hinata. "Sorry 'bout that. She has a habit of doing that. She's gotten better about it, but it's still kinda annoying whenever she does it."

"A-ah… it's alright." Hinata shook her head. "I c-can see you two are close…"

"Yeah, she's pretty much my big sister, isn't she?" Naruto smirked as he broke his chopsticks. "Well then, let's eat!"

"L-let's eat…!"

Twenty Minutes Later…

"Aaaah!" Naruto sighed contentedly, patting his stomach. "That's some good ramen!"

"a-ah, yes, it was good…" Hinata was staring in something akin to horrified awe. "Though… I d-don't think you're supposed to eat Th-that much so fast…"

"Ah, it's all good! I burn it off right away!" Naruto grinned as he sat up. "Right, where's my money…!"

"What, you're actually going to pay this time instead of charging the tab?" Teuchi asked.

"Well, yeah! I'm the one who asked Hinata-Chan out, right? So I should pay instead of putting it on my tab!" Naruto finally fished out Gama-Chan and opened it. A small slip of paper and nothing else came out. "What~!" Naruto exclaimed as he unfolded the paper.

**Yo, Naruto! I'll get you back for the 6000 ryo I just borrowed! – The Gallant Jiraiya**

"What the crap?" Naruto raged crushing the note in his hand.

"Something wrong?" Teuchi asked.

"That bastard teacher stole my money!" Naruto screamed as he shoved the note into Teuchi's hand. He glanced at it, before bursting out into laughter.

"That's something he'd do, all right! He used to do that all the time to Minato! It pissed him off like nothing else!" he placed the note under the counter. "Alright, I don't normally do this, but I'll take this as an IOU and leave it off your tab. The next time the old perv comes around this way, he'll be paying for this meal plus interest."

"Awesome!" Naruto whooped. "Thanks, Teuchi-jiji!"

"You just keep us busy, Naruto, and I'll let things like this slide, alright?" Teuchi wiped his hands on a rag and disappeared into the back.

"Ano… Teuchi-san seems f-fond of you…" Hinata commented, twiddling her fingers nervously.

"Yeah, I've known them since I was as tall as this stool. I've been their customer for about that long, too." Naruto grinned as he pushed himself off his stool. "Wow, it's gotten pretty late…"

"a-ah, yes… I should be going…" Hinata began to leave.

"Ah, uh, can…" Naruto grinned embarrassedly. "Can I walk you home or something?" Hinata turned beet red. "I mean, I know you can handle yourself, so it's not like I need to protect you from any-"

"Y-yes! I'd b-be glad…" Hinata quickly stammered. Naruto smiled and took her hand in his, not noticing her new shade of red.

"Cool! Then, let's go." And the two began to walk hand in hand to the Hyuuga compound.

"**Eeeexcellent…" **Kyuubi hissed. **"You're doing wonderfully…"**

_'Not listening, not listening…'_

"**Now, take a left here, go into the alley, and take her!"**

_'NOT LISTENING NOT LISTENING NOT LISTENING!'_

"A-ahh!" Hinata exclaimed. "N-Naruto-kun, you're hurting me…" Naruto came back to his senses and noticed he was clenching her hand a good deal too tight.

"Ah! Sorry, Hinata-Chan!" he exclaimed, loosening his grip. "I'm just… a little tense right now." He grinned. "After all, it's not every day I get to walk a cute girl home, ne?" Hinata's face turned bright red once more.

"I-I-I…" she stammered.

'**Sigh' "fine, fleshbag. If you're so insistent on remaining a virgin, far be it for me to decide. If you're not going to do that, then at least go and cop a feel! Take a handful of the melons and fondle them! Get a feel for the merchandise before you make a purchase!"**

'Fuzz-butt, if you don't shut your mouth, I swear to god I will never use your chakra for as long as I live!' Naruto growled inwardly.

"**Bah! Idiotic fleshbags, trying to deny what nature made them for…" **Kyuubi descended into meaningless grumblings as the two continued walking.

"A-ano…" Hinata murmured after a few silent minutes. "Teuchi-san mentioned your teacher… being a-a…" her cheeks warmed.

"What, a pervert?" Naruto finished. Hinata nodded embarrassedly. "Yeah, he's a perv. But he's strong, and I guess he's a pretty okay teacher. He taught the fourth, so I guess he can't be a total screw-up." Hinata's eyes widened.

"y-your teacher is Jiraiya t-the toad sage?" she said in shock.

"Yeah. I'm kinda surprised you know him." Said Naruto.

"He m-mentored my uncle a n-number of times…" Hinata said, still in shock.

"Wait, what? He trained Neji's dad!" Naruto exclaimed.

"y-yes. I r-remember my f-father saying Th-that Mikoto Uchiha was trained as w-well."

"Sasuke's mom…!" Naruto said, shocked. "I don't remember him ever saying something like that!"

"W-well…" Hinata pushed her fingers together. "I th-think they weren't h-his actual students, l-like the Yondaime and h-his teammates… m-more like people he s-sometimes gave lessons…"

"Oh. So, he basically was tricked or blackmailed into teaching them." Naruto folded his hands over his head. "That sounds like the old coot. So, does he keep in touch with them or…?" Naruto trailed off as their fates were made known to him. "Oh."

"…" Hinata stared at the ground.

"…" the silence dragged on between the two before Naruto looked up. "Hey. We're here."

"a-ah." Hinata nodded. "t-thank you for walking m-me home."

"Yeah… it was fun, so, we should do this again sometime." Naruto grinned.

"**Kiss heeeeeeer…" **Kyuubi hissed.

_'oh, that's it, you shitty excuse for a fur coat, I'm gonna come in there and-'_

"**Fleshbag, if you don't do this I'LL be the one making you into a coat! You ALWAYS kiss the girl good night if the date went well! If you don't, it means you didn't enjoy their company!" **Kyuubi roared.

_'…seriously?'_

"**I'm as serious as a decapitation! I'm not about to chase away the only tail I've gotten remotely close to in god-knows-how-many years I've been stuck in this god-forsaken time loop! Be what passes for a man among you hairless apes and KISS HER!" **Kyuubi screamed.

_'…sometimes, you really scare me with your fascination with sex.'_ Naruto tuned back to Hinata and smiled sheepishly. "So… good night!"

"g-good ni-" as Hinata opened her mouth, Naruto swung in and captured her lips. "!" Hinata made an incomprehensible sound as Naruto pulled away, blushing like mad.

"So…" Naruto grinned, embarrassed. "I hope I didn't startle you…"

"…!" Hinata's mouth mumbled soundless words, before her ears shot out steam and she collapsed to the ground in a boneless heap.

"…this is totally going to look bad if someone walks by, isn't it?" Naruto said to nobody in particular.

"**Not bad, not bad. I'd compliment you on making her pass out, but given the fact that that was only your second kiss-"**

_'THAT NEVER HAPPENED!'_

"**I'd say it was more her being ridiculously smitten with you. Now, I suggest you get the hell out of here before her father comes out or something."**

_'Why? I can explain! I did nothing wrong!'_

"**Are you kidding, you brainless piece of shit? She's the Hyuuga princess! Finding her passed out in the middle of the road with a boy known for holding the incomprehensibly wonderful sex god that I am in his stomach is going to get the shit beat out of him, no matter how he tries to explain it! Now get the hell out of here before someone-"**

"You're trespassing on Hyuuga property! Leave now or we will- HINATA-SAMA!" a branch member exclaimed on his patrol.

"**Well, you done FUCKED UP now, boy." **The fox drawled. **"Get the hell out of here while you've still got a lead on them!"**

"IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!" Naruto screamed as he leaped onto the rooftops.

"PERVERT! RAPIST! YOU VIOLATED OUR HINATA-SAMA!" the branch member screamed, waking the entire Hyuuga compound.

"**Well, let's hope you're good enough to hide from an entire clan of Byakugans, because that's what you're getting!" **Kyuubi cackled.

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU DAMN PERVY FOX!" Naruto screamed as he leapt away from the rapidly emptying compound.

* * *

Day 28/30

* * *

"Haaaah… haaah…" Naruto panted as he stumbled into his apartment underneath the midnight moon. "Dammit…"

"**I don't think I've ever seen a fleshbag scurry so fast in your species' brief existence." **Kyuubi commented.

"Shut up… and unseal… my tenketsu…" Naruto panted as he flopped into his bed.

"**It was your own damn fault for tripping over that tree root and getting hit by the eight trigrams from the bombshell's dad."**

"I dodged… a good chunk… of that attack! Give… me some… credit!"

"**You dodged less than a fourth of those strikes through sheer dumb luck." **Said the fox. **"Still don't understand why he suddenly stopped chasing you after you led him around the town for an entire day. He could have easily caught you with you maimed by his attack."**

"Maybe Hinata woke up…?" Naruto said, beginning to regain his breath. "Maybe she corrected what they… thought I did to her?"

"**True, true. I hope you realize, though, that now her father has it in his mind that you're a danger to his daughter. If you're going to get anywhere past staring at her boobs, he's gonna have to die."**

"Stop talking about murdering my girlfriend's dad and fix my tentetsu." Naruto grumbled.

"**If you don't want it to hurt like a bitch in a few days, it's going to take time. Normally I wouldn't care, but your little test is the only chance of getting close to a rank befitting my status while you're still wasting air, and I'm not going to screw my rank up."**

"You're a real egomaniac, ya know that?"

"**I'm a demon. Telling me that is like telling me the sky is going to rain fire and purge your kind from existence. I'm already gleefully aware of it."**

"Whatever." Naruto let his head fall backwards, and he drifted into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

And now, a word from the Co-writer:

MY FAULT. TOTALLY MY FAULT. I completely own the blame for not getting this out sooner. Majin's completely off the chain with this, and I'm backlogging him up. You want somebody to shout at, I'm right here.

_Yeah I'm already up to my eyeballs in ideas for sixteen and seventeen and I haven't been able to write them down because we haven't gotten fifteen finished._

Sorry… 'Sheepish grin' luckily, Real Life is no longer bogging me down, so I can get back onto schedule for this. Hell, I might even get back to writing my OWN story. They've been clamoring for a new chapter for ages now…

_You better get back on track otherwise I'm finding a new co-writer for this story._

HEEEEK! Right then, moving along!

Now that we've got that out of the way, I'd like to give a BIG shout out and chocolate chip cookie to both Nacht Ritter on TV tropes and Dot. Dot. Dot. Here on for FINALLY realizing Kyuubi's massive double standard. God, we were starting to get worried that you guys were used to it! Yes, it's true; Standard Kyuubi is a blatant male, chauvinist, sexist pig who sees women as sex toys and sandwich-makers, and women should serve men without any reciprocity. He does not reflect the views of either Majin or I, and he should not be a model for ANYBODY'S opinion about women. Women are simply too awesome to be treated badly like that. Seriously, though, why did it take five more chapters for somebody to finally say something about that? That's kinda worrying…

So, happy Valentine's Day, everybody! Hope you all enjoy your time with your loved ones! Speaking of loved ones, Majin, how was that threesome you were bragging about to me?

_Dude it was absolutely amazing. Having a nymphomaniac girlfriend means she is always up for trying new things and her hot friend was in on it too. One of the best nights I've had in a long time. God I love college and booze. Unlike you who can't even get a girlfriend in the first place…_

Ehh, it doesn't even matter. Chuckle it up now. When you're in a hospital bed dying of Gonosyphylherpaids, with your dick turning purple and falling off, all because you got a little too frisky, I'll be the one with the last laugh.

_No way that's bullshit, there's no such thing as gonosypha whatever you just said. And your dick can't turn purple and fall off._

Oh yeah? Then why does Rasputin, a sex god to the ladies, have his dick in a Russian museum instead of attached to his decomposing corpse like it's supposed to be?

_Dude how the hell do you know what happened to Rasputin's dick?_

The internet, my eternally horny friend. The internet.

_Now I'm a little scared it doesn't actually fall off right?_

Keep having sexy threesomes and find out… muahahahaha…

_You scare me sometimes Dude. This is Majin Hentai X signing out, to talk to his HMO._

_Good night and thank you for not reading Yaoi._


	16. Revelations and Consequences

Oh man I'm getting as bad as Yoshihiro Togashi aren't I?

Majin Hentai X unleashed Naruto Game of the Year Edition Chapter 16 for your reading pleasure

I own nothing but the clothes on my back and the room of manga volumes in my guest house.

A rhythmic groaning filled the park in Juuban as the Senshi of time stood transfixed in utter terror with piss dripping down her legs. A blue British Police Box from the 60's faded in as the whirring groan ceased and the door opened with an ominous squeak.

"Normal Speech" "Hello Setsuna, I've been meaning to have a chat with you since the Ides of March." The 11th Doctor said grabbing the time witch by her wrist and pulling into the TARDIS.

'_Thoughts' 'Thanks for the assist Majin'_ The Doctor telepathically thanked the author, who replied. _'Sure just keep Jack the hell away from me.'_ The Author thought back shivering at the memory of his last encounter with the immortal flirt.

Techniques Being Used "Fear not Sailor Moon." Tuxedo masked shouted feeling very dashing and Bishounen as he threw a rose with his eyes closed at the enemy he could vaguely sense. The rose hit MHX in the back and turned to ash on contact. MHX smiled as his head turned 360 degrees his neck cracking loudly like a falling tree. His smile widened as a look of complete panic appeared on Tuxedo's masked face. "Jigoku Henshin" MHX declared smiling even wider as his cheeks torn and his teeth became fangs as the rest his body boil like a cannibal's stew pot.

"No you can't be here strong people can't be here." Tuxedo screamed as MHX's transformation continued.

**"Don't Worry I'll only be here long enough to end you bishi." **MHX says his wings burst from his back and is engulfed in a massive explosion of pure power.

* * *

Revelations and Consequences

* * *

A small black ship sailed inside of a thick bank of fog, travelling at a brisk pace despite the lack of sails. With a crunch of dirt and gravel, the boat beached itself on the untamed lands. From the decks of the ship, a landing board lowered itself to the ground. A cloaked figure wearing the triangular hat of the Mizukage slowly walked to the ground, followed by a single bodyguard. A silhouette appeared out of the fog, bowing to the leader of Kirigakure.

"Shall we begin, Mizukage-sama?" said Ginko, his head level with his waist.

"Ginko." The Mizukage said dully. "What is the situation?"

"We are a day's hard travel from the village of Konoha. Of course, I would not expect to put you travel at unseemly hours of the night, and so I have prepared lodging for us along the way. We will be within two hour's journey of the village with the morning."

"Adequate." The boy replied. Ginko bowed.

"I aim to mediocrity." To anybody other than the Mizukage, that would have been a sarcastic jab. From his subjects, however, it was heartfelt. They knew that anything beyond average implied somebody was skilled. And skilled men were ambitious men. Ambitious men didn't know how to stay within their station in life.

And the bloodline clans learned exactly what happened when you aimed above your station.

'Speaking of which…' Ginko thought to himself as the air twisted as if a haze was lifted, and dozens of ninja were revealed. Many of them were not able fighters, he could tell; most were either too young or too old to be effective ninja. Yet despite that, all were dressed in the regalia of their fallen clan; Tiger pelts adorned their frames, their bodies tattooed with stripes the color of blood.

"YAGURA!" one of the few young men shouted, stepping forward. "We of the Tora clan have come for VENGEANCE!" his body suddenly gained twice its original mass, and his eyes turned a slitted yellow. The rest of his clan quickly went through the same transformation.

"A bloodline clan." Ginko said disgustedly, reaching for his sword.

"No, Ginko." Yagura held out a hand, the limb wreathed in fog. "It has been far too long."

Ginko froze, before grinning and lowering his hand. "Yes, you do like dealing with your assassins personally. This fight is yours, Mizukage-sama."

"DIE!" the young man screamed as he lunged forward. Yagura made a single hand seal and spat once. Time slowed to a labored crawl as, impossibly, the single droplet of saliva multiplied into a hundred spears of water. The spears struck with lightning speed, piercing each clan member through both the forehead and solar plexus. The water slowly bled into a fine pink.

"That you were born with tainted blood is sin enough… that you now challenge me with that tainted blood, is unforgivable. Suiton: Sanzu no Kawa." With a snap of his fingers, the technique divided itself. With that one single movement, each and every single one of the men, women and children were halved once, then halved again into bloody quarters. The desecrated bodies fell to the ground in an explosion of blood. Despite being liberally splattered with the blood of the vengeful clan, not a single Shinobi there flinched or showed an ounce of disgust.

For if you showed a hint of squeamish-ness, you were weak.

And the Mizukage had as much use for weak men as he did for skillful men.

* * *

"Clean! Clean like your life depends on it, because it does!" the manager of the Kogan hotel screamed fearfully as he tried to improve his appearance as quickly as possible. All around him, maids and bellhops rushed around in a frenzy, attempting to remove every last blemish and speck of dust off the furniture. "If we don't impress the Mizukage enough, he'll slaughter us all!"

"Y-Yes, Mamazou-sama!" the servants shouted and worked at an even more feverish pace. Mamezou attempted to fix his hair, before deciding that any kind of comb-over to hide his baldness wasn't going to help and attempted to shove his girth into a tight tuxedo.

"Ugh… what I would give to be ten years younger and twenty pounds lighter…!" he grumbled as he shifted and wiggled himself into the suit. He turned to the two new hire-ons. "You chose a bad week to join up, you two. Bad luck on you, I suppose."

"Oh, it's no problem at all." The girl smiled, fixing up the flowers. "I'm well-suited for delicate jobs like this, and my father is a very hard worker. Right, father?"

"Yeah…" the janitor mumbled, being careful not to open his mouth wide while talking. "I'm good at doing hard stuff…"

"Then I guess you're a god-send." Mamezou sucked in his gut and modeled in front of the mirror. "Where did you say you were from again?"

"We didn't…" the girl spoke, giving the manager a pointed look. Having lived next to Konoha a great deal of years, he had dealt with ninja more than a few times, and so he immediately got the hint.

"I see… well, get back to work! They could be here any minute!" the manager rushed off. The girl nodded, and discretely placed a tag into the flowerpot. The tag shifted colors to blend into the colors of the pot, and disappeared.

"Have you taken care of the eastern halls and the kitchens?" the man mumbled softly, passing by the girl.

"I have two more to place. Have you taken care of the western halls and the courtyard?"

"Yeah, they're all in position. This had better work."

"It will… it will…" the two continued about their work as if nothing had happened.

Night fell. The hotel was completely devoid of guests, having all been sent away for fear of one of them being an assassin (and, more truthfully, having been evacuated for their own safety in case the hotel failed to please). The moon was beginning to rise as the entourage appeared. Mamezou stood out at the entrance to the hotel, bowing as low as his body would allow him.

"Welcome, good sirs, to the Kogan Hotel! I am the owner, Hichiro Mamezou!" he announced, holding back the terrified tremors that threatened to topple him. "Everything has been prepared according to your specifications, and the entire hotel staff is ready and willing to assist with your every need!" he held out the room keys without leaving the deep bow. "We of the Kogan Hotel hope that your stay here is as pleasurable for you as it is for us to serve you!"

"Hmph." Ginko took the keys from his hand. And with that single dismissive sound, the manager ceased to exist for him. Mamezou stood stock still, barely daring to breathe. Only when the entire entourage was inside the hotel did he breathe freely.

"They've got the key, now to lock myself in the manager's office and not come out until they're all gone!" he muttered to himself as he rushed away. He'd noticed the blood on their clothes, and if they had gotten attacked on the way here, when their entire itinerary was top-secret and planned minutes before execution, then he had no illusions about what could happen while they rested during the night. And he wasn't going to do anything to implicate himself in the slightest, no sir!

The full moon was shining brightly over the hotel. Ginko stood silently at the door of the sleeping Mizukage, munching on a fat cigar. As he scanned the hallway, a soft, lilting voice drifted up from the hallway, humming a small tune. Ginko stiffened and lifted his blade.

"Show yourself!" he commanded. A figure rounded the corner… and the maid continued to slowly walk down the hall, humming the same stanza softly under her breath. Ginko did not relax. "All the hotel staff are supposed to be staying within their quarters until the sun rises."

"Apologies, good sir." The maid bowed. "A duty that was supposed to have been taken care of was left incomplete, and I came to complete that duty so as not to disappoint the good Mizukage-sama when he awakens." Ginko frowned, but resheathed his blade.

"…Fine. You will finish quickly and return to your room. I will send a man to check whether or not you are in your room in fifteen minutes. If you are not there, I will assume that you are in a plot to harm the Mizukage, and a kill-on-sight order will be given for you. Understand?"

"Yes, sir. I understand perfectly." She nodded and began to walk away, humming the strange tune once more. Ginko scowled.

"Idiot maids…" he growled. That humming of hers was beginning to wear on his nerves. If was almost if she was getting louder just to irritate him. He turned to tell her to be quiet…

…Only to see she was no longer in the hall.

"What?" he exclaimed. The humming was getting louder, yet the maid was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, Sakura petals began to fall from the ceiling. "Genjutsu…! Kai…!" Ginko tried to form the seals, but his limbs felt like they were made of lead. "Dammit… this is no amateur…" Ginko growled as he sank to his knees, falling unconscious.

Haku rounded the corner once more, taking a seal from her billowing sleeves and slapping it on Ginko's forehead. "That took quite a bit longer than it should have. You should have been down the moment you heard my song." Haku whispered. "You've got quite the strong mind, don't you?" the infiltrator lifted a hand to an earpiece. "Zabuza-sama, the coast is clear. All guards in the entire hotel have been neutralized."

"Roger." Zabuza finished bathing his sword in the blood of one of the guards he'd eliminated. It wasn't as though he'd resisted or anything, but he needed Kubikirihoucho to be in top condition for what he was about to attempt; anything else would get him slaughtered. And for that, he needed blood. He rounded the corner to where Haku was silently waiting.

"Are you certain that this is absolutely necessary, Zabuza-sama?" Haku asked. Zabuza sent Haku a withering glare.

"Are you questioning me, tool?" he growled.

"Not at all, Zabuza-sama. Remember that the Mizukage has touched my life as well." Haku's face grew clouded.

"Yeah. He did, didn't he?"

"Correct. I want him dead as much as you do, Zabuza-sama. But is it absolutely necessary to do it in such a… forward fashion?"

"Ha!" Zabuza laughed. "You're asking if we couldn't just poison him or something instead of charging in balls-first!" he grew serious again. "Haku, Yagura is a Jinchuuriki. You've never dealt with one before, but I have. They're tough bastards, and once they've come into their powers, they're damn near un-killable except by hacking them to bits."

"Poison will not kill him, or at least hinder him?"

"Poisons? Hah! Those monsters sealed in them will just make them shrug it off! Trust me, I've poisoned him with anthrax, cyanide, deadly nightshade and god-knows how many other lethal concoctions more times than I can count, and he just shrugged them all off while all the guards around him dropped like flies. No, Haku. This is the only way that'll make him STAY dead."

"I see, Zabuza-sama. I did not know." Haku bowed. "I beg your forgiveness."

"Nah, it's okay. This was all before your time. You wouldn't have known." Zabuza turned to Haku again. "Haku, I want you to promise me something."

"Y-yes, Zabuza-sama?" Haku asked quickly.

"Whatever happens to me, DO NOT get involved in this fight." He commanded. Haku's eyes shot open. "No questions! You are strong, I know, and you would make my fight much easier for me with your skills. But Yagura, despite him showing as much emotional range as a teaspoon, hates bloodlines more than any religious zealot I've ever seen, not to mention him being one of the strongest fuckers out there. If he even thinks you've got a bloodline, he will drop everything and come after you, and I can't fight him and protect you without one of us dying."

"B-but, Zabuza-sama-"

"Don't question me on this!" Zabuza shouted. "You might hurt him, maybe slow him down a bit, but the second he recovers, and by god he will, you will DIE. You're just not strong enough yet to take on a Jinchuuriki. You're here to watch the battle and take any necessary actions."

"Necessary… actions?" Haku breathed.

"Yeah. Make sure none of his guards come calling while I'm trying to kill him. I can barely hold him off by himself, Add anybody else with any level of power worth giving a damn about and I'm screwed. And…" Zabuza trailed off, before beginning again. "And if the worst happens, and I lose…"

"Zabuza-sama-"

"No! I'm fighting a Kage, and a Jinchuuriki at that. To not say that I might die is stupid and ignorant. So, if it does happen, and I do lose…" Zabuza's eyes hardened as he put a hand on Kubikirihoucho. "Make sure that bastard doesn't get this sword back."

"I…" Haku looked up and saw the look in Zabuza's eyes. She bowed his head. "…Yes, Zabuza-sama."

"Good… now get out of here, before he knows you're here." Haku disappeared with a mournful look on her face. Zabuza sucked in a deep, calming breath. "Alright, then… ready or not, motherfucker, HERE I COME!" and the demon of Mist sliced the door in half.

Yagura was standing in the middle of the room, dressed in battle gear and slowly attaching his hooked staff to his back. "Ah. Zabuza. I wondered who would try to kill me in such a bold fashion. You are quite skilled to have incapacitated all my guards." From anyone other than Yagura, it would have been a compliment, yet Zabuza bristled angrily.

"Yeah, that's right. I'm skilled. Skill I'm going to use to slaughter you like the bastard pig you are." Zabuza drew his sword and swung it through the air. The air pressure alone destroyed everything in the room, yet Yagura remained unfazed.

"Pride doth come before the fall, Zabuza." He slowly detached the staff from his back. "And skilled men are filled with self-pride."

"SHUT UP!" Zabuza roared as he swung the cleaver through the air, the crushing weight of his linear attack meeting Yagura's quick, flexible defense. With a quick wrist flick, Kubikirihoucho was locked by one of the hooks and thrown from the stalemate, though not out of Zabuza's hands.

"I find myself pleased, somewhat. It always gives me great satisfaction to see men assured of their superiority come at me… and to leave them broken at my feet." Yagura commented airily, as if talking about the weather.

"You bastard…" Zabuza growled. Zabuza charged in again, but a sudden twitch from Yagura had him leaping for the ceiling. It was a wise move, as a scaled tail of pure chakra swung around Yagura, blasting out the walls around them and causing the second floor of the hotel to tremble badly.

"You may be right, Zabuza. I have never known my parents, so I cannot attest to their marital status." Yagura said in a deadpan voice. Zabuza grimaced, slamming back down to the ground.

"You've gotten better controlling that monster's chakra, haven't you?"

"It is a foolish man that allows himself to stagnate. A point I see you've made with yourself to abstain from." Yagura twitched his tail about lazily.

"That's right! I've gotten stronger since then, so that I can KILL YOU!" Zabuza leaped from the ceiling, swinging the cleaver through the air. Yagura slapped the blade away with his tail, but Zabuza simply continued on his path towards a nearby lake. Yagura leapt after him, landing gracefully on the surface.

"You intend to challenge me to aquatic combat? Foolish Zabuza…" Yagura shook his head mockingly as Zabuza moved through a long sequence of seals. "I trust you remember what happened to Kushimaru when he tried the same. Only Kisame could even hope to defeat me here."

"We'll see about that!" Zabuza shouted, flashing through seals even faster. Yagura sighed and re-holstered his staff and let his tail drift beneath the water. As Zabuza furiously moved through seals, the Mizukage lazily lifted his hands into a single seal and spat once.

"Suiton: Fudou Uzumaki no Jutsu!" Zabuza shouted as he was encased in a roaring sphere, moving so fast and violently that nothing could be seem within. A second later, thousands of water spears leapt from the lake and attempted to pierce the whirlpool, yet were simply absorbed into the defense. After a few seconds, Yagura dropped the seal.

"Ah. I'm surprised. You stopped my technique with a Jutsu I thought had long since disappeared from this world. You have grown."

"Uzushiogakure isn't as dead as you fuckers would like to think. You just have to look for the pieces!" Zabuza shouted over the din, flashing through yet another set of seals. Yagura frowned, lifting his tail and slapping it against the sphere. The limb bounced off harmlessly.

"What an impressive defense… truly, the people of the land of whirlpool were geniuses in their craft." He grunted, and ever so slowly, a second tail split from the first. "However, there is no such thing as an ultimate defense. To say there is, is the height of pride."

"It's good enough to stop YOU!" Zabuza roared.

"No, Zabuza. It isn't." and with lightning speed, the two tails began to work. Zabuza's eyes widened as the two demonic limbs attacked with ferocious speed, tearing through the defense little by little with coordinated attacks. With a swift pincer attack, they finally disrupted the spin of the whirlpool, and the defense collapsed in on itself.

"As you can see…" Yagura had a ghost of a smile, as dozens of water spheres rose up behind him with a gesture. "…There is no such thing as an ultimate defense. Suiton: Umisenken." The spheres raced for Zabuza.

"SUITON: BIG FAU!" Zabuza roared. Yagura's eyes shot wide open, and the spheres dispersed mid-air. Yagura dived underwater and speared the sharp spikes in his tail to the bedrock of the lake.

Above and in the water, all hell broke loose.

The water thrashed and roiled as a 30 foot wall of water rose from the lake, draining the lake to the last drop as a typhoon rapidly formed around Zabuza's figure. Yagura clutched for dear life to the immovable bedrock of the lake, hoping to outlast Zabuza's chakra as he was buffeted mercilessly.

"GRAAAAAH!" Zabuza roared, holding his seal as the surrounding area was torn apart. With a scream torn from his lips, Zabuza released the seal, and the force of nature slowly tumbled away. The lake filled with intermittent remnants of the typhoon, filling to only half its original volume. Zabuza was on his hands and knees, limbs trembling as he panted for breath.

"Most… impressive, Zabuza…" Zabuza's eyes shot open as he looked up. There was Yagura, looking very much the worse for wear but still very much alive. A third tail formed and trailed underneath the water as the other two steadied the Mizukage's limping walk. "How did you… learn that technique? That move… was the most powerful… in the Nidaime Hokage's arsenal… it died with him…"

"Like… I said…" Zabuza wheezed, trying to stand up but failing. "The remnants… of uzushio…gakure… are still alive… if there's… a technique… in existence… they know… how to… recreate it…"

"Interesting…" the Mizukage wiped sweat from his eyes, his body soaking wet. "Then I shall… seek out… these remnants, and… take from them… their knowledge…" Zabuza's eyes widened.

"YOU WON'T!" he screamed, attempting to charge the Yondaime with Kubikirihoucho, but was jerked back when he was unable to lift it. "GRAAAAAH…!"

"You exhausted yourself… Zabuza… this battle… is mine…" he stumbled over to the former mist-nin, slowly unhooking his staff. "You've given me… more of a challenge… than many have… in the past… but in the end… pride was your downfall…!"

"NO!" a voice screamed. Zabuza looked up, shocked.

"HAKU, NO!"

"HYOTON: HYOGAJIDAI!" the girl screamed as she slammed her hands down onto the surface of the lake. Almost instantly, over half the lake was flash-frozen, down to the very lake-bed. Yagura screamed as the ice chased its way up his legs, his torso, his arms, and his face, as he was completely encased in solid ice. Zabuza managed one final leap with Kubikirihoucho, only barely escaping the aptly-named Ice Age.

"Haaah… Haaah…!" Haku panted as she collapsed onto her side, completely drained. Zabuza slammed into the ice, but not a single crack formed.

"Haku…! I told you… to leave me…!" Zabuza growled.

"And what tool abandons its master, Zabuza-sama?" Haku looked up, catching her breath. "No matter what happens, Zabuza-sama, whoever you decide to fight, I will follow you, and I will keep you safe."

"Haah… stubborn… brat…!" he grinned despite his words, slowly pushing himself to his feet. He stumbled over to Yagura, whose eyes were twitching madly within the ice sculpture.

"Didn't expect this… did you, Yagura? You think… I'd worked alone… all these years? No. I found myself a helper… one of the first bloodlines you exterminated. Hyoton." Yagura's eyes glowered.

"You remember the name… don't you? You know all the bloodline clans in your domain… so you know why you killed them first… you fear them. They're the only ones… that can come close to defeating you… if they ever come into their potential. After all… water turns to ice when it gets too cold, doesn't it?" Zabuza slowly raised his blade. "You were strong… but in the end… pride was your downfall!"

Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. "Well done. Well done. An impressive battle."

Zabuza and Haku whirled around, weapons in their hands. "And who the fuck are you?" Zabuza growled. A single eye stared back at them.

"The new master of all three of you."

* * *

Day 29/30

* * *

"How the heck did my clones miss this one?" Naruto wondered aloud as he stared, baffled, at the floating swirl atop his apartment roof. "I mean, this isn't even hidden or anything, and it's right above where I live! What the heck happened?"

**Charisma: + 3!**

"And now that I'm thinking about it, why didn't I get any memories from most of the clones I sent out?" Naruto scratched his head, confused. "Huh… let's try again. Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!" he declared, creating thirty new clones. "Alright, the last batch of clones apparently did a crap job, so go out there and get more power-ups!"

"Right!" all thirty leapt off into different directions. Naruto sighed and settled down onto the roof for a quick nap in the sun.

Five minutes later…

**Strength: + 2**

"Found one!" a clone exclaimed from the top of a large tree before dispelling himself.

**Intelligence: + 5**

"Woohoo! More smarticle particles!" another clone shouted atop power wires, before slipping and electrocuting itself to death. "D'OH!" it screamed as it dispelled.

**Luck: +10**

"NOTTHEFACENOTTHEFAAAAAAACE!" yet another clone screamed as it was savagely beaten to death by irate female bathers. The real Naruto winced at that one.

"Jeez, that one actually hurt…!" he complained, rubbing the phantom pain in his crotch from an unfortunately-placed knee. "Who put these things in the female section of the bath, anyway? It's like asking me to get my shit kicked!"

"Naruto Uzumaki."

"GWAAAAH!" Naruto exclaimed as he leaped up in shock. An ANBU was standing there, staring at him through the mask.

"This is the second infraction of exam-time regulations. Failure to comply with the rules a third time will result in expulsion from the exam and a fine totaling seventy-thousand ryo."

"Wait, what? Regulations, what?" Naruto said, baffled. "What are you talking about?"

"Use of advanced Jutsu outside of specially designated training areas is forbidden under the Jutsu control regulations of the Chuunin exam treaty, and is finable by twenty-thousand ryo. Using advanced Jutsu that can ostensibly be used as an information-gathering tool, such as the Kage Bunshin technique you have been using, is finable by an additional fifty-thousand ryo, as well as expulsion from the Chuunin exams." The ANBU stated.

"Oh… I… I didn't even know that." Naruto said, surprised.

"That was what we suspected, which is why we allowed you three times to correct your behavior, instead of the usual one. However, now that you are informed, you are to cease and desist in all advanced Jutsus until such a time that the Chuunin exams can be officially declared ended for the time being."

"Oh, yeah! Yes, Understood!" Naruto nodded. "Wait, does this mean you're the reason that I haven't been getting memories back from a lot of my clones?" The ANBU nodded.

"That is correct, Naruto Uzumaki. Repeated use of concentrated chakra bursts disrupts clones without the disruption being made known to the creator of the clones. However, it is not exactly a time-and-chakra-efficient method, and so is not regularly used inside of battles, instead used primarily by counter-espionage agents."

"Oh! I didn't know you could do that!" Naruto thumped his fist. "I'll have to remember that! Okay, no Jutsus before the exams are done, got it. Won't do it again."

"Very well. I wish you the best in the tournament tomorrow, Naruto Uzumaki." And the ANBU shunshin'd away.

"Ah, well. Guess I'll hunt for stats once all this is over with." Naruto sighed, and began to walk around the roof. "… but you know, come to think of it, how many stats do I even have, anyway? Fuzz-butt, do you have any idea?"

"**Hell if I know fleshbag. I'm not your personal abacus."**

"The hell is an abacus?"

"**Something that your puny mind couldn't comprehend, I'm sure."**

"Whatever." Naruto scoffed, but then grew serious again. "But seriously, there has to be some way to know what my totals are. Most games have something like that, don't they?"

"**Just say 'current stats' or something like that. Every time something even vaguely technical comes out of that ramen hole of yours, something happens."**

"You have a point. Current Stats!" the world went gray, and a massive scroll that blotted out the sun unfurled in front of him. "Holy crap, you were right!"

"**I was? I mean, of course I was right! Why would I, the magnificent Kyuubi, be wrong in this sort of thing?"**

"Yeah, yeah, you're awesome, you're amazing, every woman in the world wants to have sex with you, whatever, we get it. Let's just read the stats." Naruto looked up at the scroll.

**Current Stats: Standard Naruto**

**Level: 11**

**Ninjutsu Learned: 8**

**Ninjutsu Mastered: 1**

**Taijutsu Learned: 1**

**Taijutsu Mastered: 0**

**Genjutsu Learned: 0**

**Genjutsu Mastered: 0**

**Kenjutsu Learned: 0**

**Kenjutsu Mastered: 0**

**Miscellaneous Learned: 0**

**Miscellaneous Mastered: 0**

**Jutsu Created: 1**

**Special Jutsu Obtained: 0**

**Special Items Obtained: 2**

**Avatars Completed: 0**

**Lives Completed: 0**

**Strength Points Gained: 70**

**Intelligence Points Gained: 40**

**Chakra Points Gained: 66**

**Control Points Gained: 55**

**Agility Points Gained: 30**

**Accuracy Points Gained: 25**

**Charisma Points Gained: 40**

**Endurance Points Gained: 34**

**Luck Points Gained: 40**

**Stealth Points Gained: 21**

**Kunai/Shuriken Skill Bonus: +1**

**Trap Skill Bonus: +4**

**Ninjutsu Skill Bonus: +1**

**Taijutsu Skill Bonus: +1**

**Remaining Perks: Game Mod (Tier One), One Use Remaining**

**Karmic Ranking: Good Samaritan {Standard}**

**Ninja Ranking: Genin (Konoha {Standard})**

**Romance: Hyuuga Hinata (Rank One: New Girlfriend {Standard})**

**Available Summons: Toads (Entry Level {Standard})**

"Umm… okay, wow, now my brain hurts. That's a lot of information."

"**Fifty ryo says the longer this thing goes on, the more shit gets added to that list, just to screw with you." **said the Kyuubi. Naruto couldn't help but agree.

"Yeah, some of those areas seem a little empty and unorganized. Maybe I have to find the stuff before it shows up here? It's like, umm… spoiler tags, no, that's not the right word…" Naruto scratched his head, before snapping his fingers. "Censor tags! Like they do on the real secret mission things!"

"**If you say so."**

"Yeah… but, hey, it says 'points gained'." Naruto noticed as his eyes scanned the scroll once more. "If that's how many points I've gotten, then how many did I start out with?"

"**Good point. Start saying technical stuff again, maybe something will happen."**

"Starting stats." Nothing. "Umm, level zero stats, beginning stats, initial stats, base stats-"

**BZZT! **A loud sound echoed out from the scroll, causing Naruto to leap a good ten feet in the air. **RUNTIME ERROR! STANDARD NARUTO BASE STATS UNAVAILABLE! CONTACT LOCAL SERVER ADMINISTRATOR OR TRY AGAIN LATER!**

"…I don't even know what half of that means." Naruto read the words. "Whatever. I guess I can't figure out what my stats are. Now, how do I get out of here… Exit?" the world spun back to life. "Sweet! So saying Exit is how I quit looking at that-"

**ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO QUIT? ALL UNSAVED DATA WILL BE LOST.**

**YES NO**

"ACK! NONONONONONONONO!" Naruto quickly punched the **NO** button, and the world regained color. "Okay… not doing that again."

"**But, haven't you said 'quit' before, and that never happened?" **Kyuubi asked. **"So, what caused that to happen now and not then?"**

"…I don't even know." Naruto groaned. "Great, stuff could happen and I can't even figure out why. Where the hell is the manual for this thing?"

**BZZT! RUNTIME ERROR! MANUAL UNAVAILABLE! CONTACT LOCAL SERVER ADM-"**

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Naruto gets no help figuring out what the hell is going on." Naruto grumbled under his breath. "Dammit, I need some ramen." As Naruto began to trundle away, a horde of ninja rushed straight through him. "WAAAH!" Naruto spun around in place, dizzy as get-all. "Wh-what just happened?"

"**I believe you just got robbed. Either that, or there was a pack of ninja in an awful big hurry."**

"What, robbed!" Naruto shouted. "I need that money for my ramen! GET BACK HERE!" Naruto rushed on after the group rapidly retreating from him.

After a good five minutes of chase (where Naruto nearly lost them at least once) the pack finally stopped on a roof near the entry gate. Naruto leapt to the roof and pointed accusingly. "Hey, you! Give me back my- Iruka-sensei?"

"Huh?" the teacher turned around, confused. "Naruto? What are you doing here?"

"Eh? What are you doing here? I thought I was chasing a thief!" Naruto exclaimed, now getting a good look at the others and realizing they were all ninja.

"We're here to… reinforce the gate guard." Iruka said uneasily, glancing at the massive doors as they slowly creaked open.

"Huh? But why would they need reinforcements? Don't they have enough people already?" the boy asked. Iruka looked at the gate and quickly made a shushing motion, joining the rest of the ninja in a crouch. Naruto sidled up to them. "What's wrong?"

"We have…" Iruka trailed off, unable to find the right words. "We have an unexpected and controversial guest."

"… Can you repeat that, only not with the big words I haven't learned?"

"A VIP guest decided to come that… we were not expecting. We're worried because he's caused a lot of trouble for the world." Iruka explained as a small procession began to emerge.

"Who?" Naruto asked, before the lead figure came into view. He couldn't see his face through the veil, but he didn't need to; the blue triangular hat said everything. The man looked up at the roof, and even though his face was covered, Naruto knew he was looking at him. His mouth went dry and his neck hairs stood on end.

"The Mizukage." Said Iruka. He looked at the uneasy posture Naruto now had and nodded. "You understand why we're so nervous, then."

"…yeah. Why are we letting this guy in? We've got a bunch of bloodlines in Konoha! Who knows if this guy isn't just going to go ax-crazy on them?"

"We don't. That's why we're reinforcing the guard, as well as trailing him for the remainder of his stay. We accepted a lot of refugees from his slaughter, both legally and not-so-legally, so we're not certain if he's here to peacefully watch the exam or to finish the job he started."

Iruka sighed. "But, even though he's killed enough to make a river of blood, he's still the Mizukage. To turn him away when his village is participating, without prior provocation, would be a direct violation of the Chuunin Exam Treaty, and would probably make every other village in existence end ties with us. More than a few would probably even use that as an excuse to declare war on us. We can't have that happen."

"… Dammit!" Naruto growled. Iruka nodded.

"Yeah. That about sums it up." He glanced back down at the group, which was moving away. "I have to go. You should stay home for as much as you can. Things just got a whole lot more dangerous." Iruka and the other ninja leapt away.

"…Shit. The guy who killed Haku's family is in Konoha." Naruto bit his lip. "I'm worried, fuzz-butt…" silence. "Fuzz-butt?"

"**It's him…!" **

"Huh?"

"**It's him! It's ACTUALLY him! HAHAHAHAHA! YES!" **the Kyuubi whooped.

"Ummm… you aren't going to go crazy and start murdering my brain or something, are you?"

"**Are you kidding? This is probably the best I've felt in YEARS! WOOHOO!" **the fox cheered. **"I have a brother in suffering now!"**

"What?"

"**What, you didn't feel it? Sanbi's locked in that fleshbag down there!"**

"WHAT?" Naruto screamed, garnering more than a few strange looks from passerby on the streets below. "Whaddaya mean, he's a Jinchuuriki?"

"**Obviously! Aw, hot damn, this is awesome!"**

"Awesome? A guy that's even more psychopathic than Gaara and has a monster two tails stronger than him is in Konoha! How do we know he's not working for orochi-bastard?"

"**Say that again and I'll bite your goddamn head off! My buddy Sanbi has standards! He'd never let his meat-sack work for a bastard like the snake! Now, if you don't mind, I'm trying to set up a psych-link with Sanbi so I can have the first intelligent conversation I've had in years!"**

"What? Psych-link? What's that mean?" but the fox had gone silent.

"So there are two other Jinchuuriki in this village… I see." Yagura turned to the two remaining Genin. "Mitsuhide."

"Yes, Mizukage-sama." Mitsuhide took a knee.

"In your match against… Uzumaki Naruto, was it?"

"Yes, Mizukage-sama."

"In your match against him, do not kill him. The beast might wake if another of its kind is slain in its vicinity. Instead, wound his pride. Destroy him psychologically. This is not your way, I know, but if you can make him forfeit the match without sustaining significant injuries, do so."

"Mizukage-sama, I beg a thousand pardons, but to win in such an ignoble fashion is an insult to both myself and to you, who I serve until my end of days!" Mitsuhide protested.

"Your dedication is acceptable. However, if he has even a remote ounce of control over his beast, he is more than a match for you in a battle of arms. Instead, break his will in a battle of minds. Konoha is a land of hypocrisy and hatred, and so he is likely scarred in some way. Find that scar, and tear it open so it will never close again."

"…I hear and obey, Mizukage-sama."

"Kagero. You fight against one of cursed eyes. You know what you must do."

"Yes, Mizukage-sama!" Kagero chirped. "Kill her and make it look like an accident!"

"Yes. Spill her tainted blood. Gouge out her hell-blasted eyes. Make it look as if she did not know her status in life as you rend her limb from limb…!" Yagura declared, madness gleaming in his eyes.

"Aww, Mizukage-sama! You know just what to say to a girl to get her all hot and bothered!" Kagero grinned psychotically. "You can count on me!"

"Go, then. And do not fail me…!"

* * *

Day 30/30

* * *

"**SON OF A MOTHERFUCKER!"** Naruto screamed in surprise as the roar of fury echoed in his mind.

"What! What! I'm up!"

"**THAT WHORE-BORN SHIT-LICKING DICK-SUCKING ASS-FUCKING-"**

"Ugh… what are you so pissed about…?" Naruto groaned and glanced over at the clock. 4 in the morning. "You'd better have a good reason for waking me up."

"**I've been trying to connect to Sanbi without alerting his meat-sack the entire day, but I haven't been able to! I thought that bastard was just deliberately ignoring me, but his mind is locked down tighter than a virgin's bedroom!**

"…Interesting analogy. What does that have to do with waking me up?"

"**It's the chakra signatures that I can sense that's got me RAGING WITH THE FORCE OF A THOUSAND SUNS THAT GODDAMN-"**

"HEY! Don't go screaming again, my head's already ringing!" Naruto shouted. "What's got you so pissed about the chakra signature?"

"**Signa-TURES! Plural! There's two blocking my connections, and both are sickeningly familiar! One of them has traces of the rat in the hat, the one with the trees, and the second belongs to THAT MOTHERFUCKER WHO I WILL TEAR INTO A THOUSAND SHREDS AND I WILL FEAST ON HIS EYES UNTIL THE SONG THAT ENDS THE EARTH IS SUNG FOR MY WRATH IS-"**

"ON TOPIC!" Naruto shouted again.

"**THAT MOTHERFUCKER UCHIHA MADARA!"**

"Uchiha Madara?" Naruto said, confused. "I thought that guy was dead from some crazy battle in the valley! And the one with the trees… that's the Shodaime! He's dead too!"

"**THE GODDAMN RED-EYED BASTARD I WILL SKULLFUCK HIS CORPSE UNTIL HIS-"**

"Stay on topic or by god I will never use your chakra again!"

"…**The red-eyed fucker didn't die. He got the shit kicked out of him, and for that I applaud the rat in the hat, but he didn't die. Which really is unbelievable since the red-eyed fucker was hacking my brain at the time."**

"What?"

"**What, you think they made the valley on their own? No! That's my handiwork!" **the demon fox sounded rather proud of himself as he admitted this. **"But yeah, he got the shit kicked out of him even though he was hacking my brain to fight the rat in the hat. Since we were… **_**linked**_**, I could tell that he wasn't dead, and I wanted to tear that bastard to pieces, but the rat in the hat then sealed me inside that bitch Mito before I could track him down. I didn't see that bastard again until I was let loose again, and I didn't get to have two seconds to breathe fresh air before he hacked my brain again."**

"Wait, Madara's the reason you attacked Konoha?

"**Uuuuh… Sorta. I woulda still kicked the shit out of you people for daring to sealing me twice, but I'd probably have gotten bored and left after half the village was dead. I'd seen enough of that damn village, and tearing it apart meant I still had to look at it, and I just wanted to rampage somewhere I didn't know inside and out. The red-eyed fucker wanted the whole place razed to the ground."**

"…Well, at least you're honest."

"**God-dammit you're right! I didn't lie once during that! I need to get back into bad habits!"**

"Sometimes I forget who I'm talking to." Naruto groaned. "So, that's one explained. If Madara could hack your brain, he could probably hack a Jinchuuriki easily. What's with the Shodaime's chakra and why is it a problem?"

"**Hell if I know. I know the bastard had spawn, so one of them might have picked up the trait. I know you fleshbags think that his bloodline is the best thing since fresh vaginas, so who knows what abominations of science someone created to try and bring his power back. And not only could the guy grow trees, but for some fuck-all reason, he can control us demons as easily as the red-eyed fucker's kin can."**

"Jeez, so two people are trying to control the Mizukage… which one was in control?"

"**The red-eyed fucker has been controlling the meat-sack for years, but the rat in the hat just recently purged that control. The red-eyed fucker's still there, but he's shoved to the back of his brain, more or less."** Kyuubi growled. **"But both of them fighting have pretty much forced my bro into a coma! I want to tear both of them to shreds!"**

"Jeez…" Naruto scratched his head. "How long has Madara been in control?"

"**Years. He's been in control so long I don't even know if the original meat-sack is still in there. If he is, he's probably in the same state as my bro Sanbi is."**

"So, he wouldn't have been in control for the massacre he's blamed for?" Naruto pondered, slowly putting two and two together.

"**You might be right, for once."**

"So, if we somehow gave the original Mizukage and the Sanbi a boost in power, do you think they'd wake up and help Konoha?"

"**Maybe, maybe not. That's your problem to fix."**

"Hey, do you think that you can do that psychic-link thing and send them chakra so that they can wa-"

"**ABSOLUTELY NOT!" **the Kyuubi screamed.

"Why not?"

"**Because that would mean linking my brain to the entire body, including the red-eyed fucker! And he's hacked my brain twice as easily as saying 'go', TWICE, and it's only been through getting sealed away that I broke free at all! I am NOT setting myself up for a third round with that bastard, because this time, I might not get out!"**

"…You're scared shitless of him, aren't you?"

"**NO!" **the fox screamed. **"I'm not scared of him, but I will not let that red-eyed fucker control me again! No way no how am I letting someone usurp my limbs and my power from me, EVER AGAIN!"**

"…Okay, I get it. That's plan's out the window." Naruto sighed. "What are we going to do… if this guy is so powerful and such an evil dude, and if he hates Konoha so much, then we have to find a way to break his power."

"**I normally wouldn't approve of helping this god-blessed village, but in this case, I heartily approve."**

**LONG-TERM QUEST ACCEPTED! **Flashed the bold words in front of them. Naruto flinched a bit, but was less shocked than he had been in previous surprises.

"Long-term quest?"

**LONG-TERM QUEST: BREAK UCHIHA MADARA'S HOLD OVER YAGURA AND THE SANBI. **Continued the words, before a second scroll appeared. **LONG-TERM QUESTS ARE SPECIAL QUESTS THAT ARE TIME-CONSUMING ENDEAVORS, AND MORE OFTEN THAN NOT REQUIRE SCOURING THE MULTIVERSE SERVERS FOR A SOLUTION, AND OFTEN HAVE MULTIPLE, WILDLY DIVERGING WAYS TO SOLVE THE QUEST. BECAUSE THEY ARE SO TIME-CONSUMING, AUTOMATIC NOTES ARE TAKEN WHEN RELEVANT INFORMATION IS ACQUIRED FOR LATER REFERENCE. HOWEVER, IF YOU SUCCESSFULLY FIND A SATISFACTORY SOLUTION, EPIC, ONE-OF-A-KIND PRIZES AWAIT YOU! **

"…Huh. Cool." Was all he could say. A third, smaller scroll appeared.

**LONG-TERM QUEST: BREAK UCHIHA MADARA'S HOLD OVER YAGURA AND THE SANBI NOTES:**

**UCHIHA MADARA HAS UNKNOWN POWERS THAT ALLOW HIM TO CONTROL BIJUU AND JINCHUURIKI. ACCORDING TO THE KYUUBI, OTHER MEMBERS OF THE UCHIHA HAVE THE POTENTIAL FOR THIS POWER, AND THOSE WITH THE MOKUTON BLOODLINE ALSO HAVE THIS POWER.**

**ACCORDING TO THE KYUUBI, UCHIHA MADARA WAS LIKELY ALREADY IN CONTROL WHEN THE BLOODLINE PURGES BEGAN, MEANING NOT ONLY DID YAGURA NOT TRULY ORDER THE PURGES, MADARA HAS ALSO HAD MUCH TIME TO SHAPE KIRIGAKURE POLICY AND CREATE A BASE OF OPERATIONS AND SEAT OF POWER.**

**USING THE POWER OF A BIJUU TO BOOST THE POWER OF THE SANBI AND YAGURA THROUGH A PSYCHO-LINK IS POSSIBLE, BUT EXPOSES THE BIJUU AND JINCHUURIKI TO EASY MIND CONTROL FROM MADARA. THIS IS NOT A PRACTICAL SOLUTION IN ITS CURRENT FORM.**

"Whoa… that's detailed. That's really useful and cool." Naruto grinned, before a loud banging from underneath his feet interrupted him.

"GOD DAMMIT BOY WILL YOU SHUT UP IN THERE! I JUST GOT WOKEN UP FROM THE FIRST GOOD SLEEP I'VE HAD IN EIGHT YEARS!" Naruto growled and started jumping up and down.

"WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD YET, YOU OLD BAT!"

* * *

"Kabuto!" called Orochimaru, wrapped head to toe in bandages at his desk. "Come here!"

"You called, Orochimaru-sama?" the spy appeared at his side.

"Yes, I did. I need you to take this." the snake Sannin held up a snake summon, only this summon was drastically different from any other that Kabuto had seen before. It was a pitch-black color that almost seemed to undulate without any movement of the reptile, with a bright orange lock of hair sprouting out of its crown. Kabuto uneasily reached toward it, and the reptile struck out at his fingers. Only lightning-fast reflexes prevented Kabuto from being bitten. "Careful! The antibodies you've created for yourself don't cover this summon."

"Pardon me, Orochimaru-sama…" Kabuto began, "but I've never seen that summon before."

"That's because it didn't exist before." Orochimaru explained. "Years ago, I took a batch of eggs from one of the lesser snake summons and began infusing DNA from Juugo into them in varying doses to see if any of them survived. This creature here, only just now reaching maturity, is the fruit of that experiment. Not only will a curse seal be made when bitten, but this snake is incredibly stealthy, and can therefore attack its victims and not be caught. I intended it to be used to mark subjects in areas that would create too much of a shitstorm if I appeared there myself."

"Orochimaru-sama… that's incredible! I had no idea you were creating something like this! Why are you using it now?" Kabuto picked up a pair of snake hooks from the wall and began gently wrestling it out of the snake Sannin's hands.

"Because I was running more tests on him for some unexpected developments in his DNA." Orochimaru folded his hands together. "From what I can tell, mixing Juugo's DNA with this breed of snake has caused unexpected mutations to occur, primarily for the injected DNA. If you are bitten, a curse seal will be delivered. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no idea what effects it will have."

"You mean…" Kabuto lowered the snake hooks. "A new curse seal has been created?"

"From what I can tell, yes. I was meaning to test it on subjects we've captured, but now that I was unable to mark Sasuke and they're alerted to my presence, it's necessary to use it." Orochimaru rubbed his face tiredly. "I need you to use it to mark Sasuke sometime during the invasion."

"We're still going ahead with the invasion?" Kabuto asked, wrestling the cursed reptile into a tight-weave bag.

"Yes. I've had enough time to regulate my chakra with this new body, so my fighting abilities will not be affected. As for the Mizukage's presence..." Orochimaru breathed out. "I must admit I was not expecting him to appear. If our spies are correct on who he really is, then as much as he hates me for betraying Akatsuki, he hates Konoha even more. Though, I won't let such a large wild card stand without preparation. Tell the commanders to prepare for the invasion as per usual, but to be prepared to push Kirigakure's forces out at the slightest sign of aggression. I won't expose my back for a minute to him, not while he's still holding his dagger."

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama." Kabuto bowed and disappeared, bag in hand. Orochimaru sunk to his desk, kneading his hands.

"When did dragging the world into modernity become so complicated?"

* * *

10:00 AM The day of the Chuunin exam finals

* * *

BORT BORT BORT BORT BORT! Screamed the alarm clock.

"GROBLEFLAGEN!" Naruto screamed as he toppled out of bed. "Gah…! I need to get a quieter alarm clock…" he untangled himself from the blankets, stumbled into the bathroom, and began his morning business.

Now awake and refreshed, Naruto threw on a fresh jumpsuit and filled the weapons pouches as far as they would stretch. Quickly grabbing a snack bar, Naruto began to leave before a thought struck him.

"I wonder…" Naruto got onto his bed and jumped up, touching the swirl in the ceiling.

**GAME SAVED!**

"Sweet. I'm glad that worked. Time to get some food." And he walked out and ate at Ichiraku's.

Now full, he began his walk to the stadium, where he saw a familiar tint of indigo hair. With a grin, he snuck up behind her and wrapped her in a tight hug. "EEK!" Hinata screamed.

"Hey." Naruto whispered. Hinata froze, turning bright red. "You ready to make Chuunin today?" Sure, the imminent invasion might put a damper on all of their promotion chances, but Naruto had no doubt that if Orochimaru weren't such an asshole, she would win that promotion hands-down.

"N-Naruto-kun!" Hinata stuttered, though it was much less noticeable than it had been before. "I, I, I'm so sorry about what happened, w-with my family…"

"Oh, the fact that they chased me all over the village with the intent to disembowel me?" Naruto asked. Hinata hung her head in shame. "Forget about it! It happens all the time! Prank king of Konoha right here, remember?" Naruto grinned.

"Th-that's not fair to you…" Hinata mumbled.

"Hey, hey! It's okay! Frankly, I'd be surprised if I didn't get an angry mob after me for some of the stuff I've done! I graffiti'd the Hokage monument, remember? They take that kind of stuff seriously!" he joked. Despite herself, Hinata giggled softly. "But seriously, it's cool. This is the first time the Hyuuga got the torches and pitchforks up for me, and it was for a good reason, too! You gotta protect the beautiful daughter, ya know?" Hinata blushed. "I'm totally cool with your family, don't you worry about that. Besides, you're the reason they gave up at the end, right?"

"Yes… I explained the situation to them…" Hinata looked away.

"So, how'd your dad take it?"

"H-he was angry… he almost told me to e-end our…" Hinata turned bright red.

"Our dating?" Naruto completed. Hinata nodded. "So, what changed his mind?"

"W-when I told him you were being trained by Jiraiya-sama; he went v-very quiet. He said… he said, if Jiraiya-sama believes in you, then he would g-give you a chance." Hinata couldn't help but smile as she recalled her happiness on hearing those words. Naruto grinned a shit-eating grin.

"Awesome! Your dad's pretty cool after all!" Naruto kissed her on the cheek, turning Hinata the color of a tomato, before taking her by the hand and leading the way towards the stadium.

From the shadows of a nearby building, Ino smiled. "Those two are really cute together. At least somebody's in a happy relationship around here." She pulled a face as she caught sight of one of Sasuke's more ardent admirers walked past. "I hope Sakura finally figures out acting like those twits isn't helping her case and I can stop egging her on. I've been doing this fangirl shtick for a good six months now, and I'm just about ready to gouge my brains out with a butter knife." she sighed and began to wander to the stadium. "God, why are all the good men taken?"

The couple arrived at the stadium with relative ease with fifteen minutes to spare. Even as they arrived, the stadium was packed full of spectators and dignitaries. "Well, damn!" Naruto joked. "There goes my chance to booby-trap the stadium!"

"Naruto, the proctor ch-checks the arena before anybody fights… that w-wouldn't have worked…" Hinata said. Naruto squeezed her closer.

"Yeah, I know. I figured as much." The boy smiled at her, causing her to bashfully look away. "Let's go in there and become Chuunin together, okay Hinata?"

"Y-yes, Naruto-kun…" Hinata couldn't help but smile to herself.

On the other side of the participant area, Kagero grinned to herself. "Oh~ooooo! Those two are dating! That much was obvious even if I couldn't lip-read!" she smirked. "Even stick-in-the-mud Mitsy will be able to screw with his mind on this. Oooh, Miiii~tsyyyyyy!"

* * *

In time, the last of the participants (sans Sasuke, but Naruto was expecting that) arrived. The Hokage rose from his seat, and a dull roar filled the stadium.

"Friends, visitors and participants all! Welcome to the Chuunin exams!" the roar grew even louder. Naruto tuned out the Hokage's speech and focused on himself, breathing softly.

'Alright, Naruto, you can do this. You've been training this entire month for this. You didn't get nearly as good of training from Jiraiya last time, and you still kicked Neji's ass. You're ready for this, so believe in yourself who believes in you!' Naruto then thought about that last sentence. '…that made absolutely no fucking sense. They must have put something in my ramen.'

"Would Uzumaki Naruto and Mitsuhide please step into the arena?" Genma drawled. Naruto leapt off the rail while Mitsuhide gently walked down the stairs. The two took to their positions, Naruto eying him with a steely glare, Mitsuhide standing there with his eyes closed. "…Hajime!" Genma chopped his arm down and leapt away. Neither competitor moved.

Silence.

"… so is this your attempt at a staring competition, or am I gonna have to make you move your ass?" Naruto taunted, tensing his body for a single twitch from his opponent.

SHINK! FWIP! ZUPASSSSSSHI! In the blink of an eye Mitsuhide had drawn his sword, slashed clean through Naruto's body, and re-sheathed his sword. Naruto's stared ahead, before turning into two halves of a log. Mitsuhide leapt upward to avoid a hail of kunai where he was standing, before picking one up and chucking it at the poorly hidden Naruto. The blade struck true, but the boy turned into smoke. Mistuhide's eyes widened.

"Kage Bunshin!" all at once, the eleven kunai scattered around him turned into Naruto, who kicked him as one towards the tree. The swordsman drew his blade and slashed three times, and the 11 Naruto clones vanished in smoke.

"Hah! I'm three steps ahead of you!" Naruto crowed from the side of the arena. "Kage shuriken no Jutsu!" a dozen thrown shuriken multiplied into a flying wall of pointy stabby steel.

"You believe this inhibits my strength?" Mitsuhide asked softly. He drew his sword and held it at an odd angle. The wall of shuriken reached him… and flew in all directions as Mitsuhide was untouched. Naruto's eyes shot open. "Strategy, no matter how cunning, will crumble and wither before unshakeable force." He pointed his blade at Naruto. "I will carve that venerated adage onto your corpse as a warning to all who stand against the Mizukage."

"Grrr…" Naruto grit his teeth and began flashing seals. Not wanting to allow him the chance, Mitsuhide charged forward.

"Fuuton: Reppusho!" Naruto called, hitting Mitsuhide straight in the gut. The swordsman toppled, but did not fall. Naruto did not allow the chance to escape and punted Mitsuhide in the stomach with such force that the boy went flying into the air. "Rising Wing!" Naruto called and leapt up feet first, planting his right heel firmly into his opponent's solar plexus. That combination of strikes was enough to easily crack more than a few ribs… if the log hadn't suddenly replaced him. 'Oh shit!' Naruto thought as he frantically tried to form the seals for another Fuuton: Reppusho to blast him away.

Then Mitsuhide leapt up and brutally slashed his right leg. "GHHH!" Naruto held back his scream as he toppled to the ground, trying to stem the blood.

"Yield. I have slashed your femoral artery. If you do not capitulate and seek doctoral aid, you will bleed to death." The flat tone didn't leave him even now.

"Fuck you. You call this a mortal wound?" Naruto growled and pushed himself up. He could feel the burn of demonic chakra in his leg, and since nothing else was seriously damaged, he could probably walk it off. Then again, it was an artery, and you didn't want those getting cut open…

SLASH! Naruto screamed as, seemingly in one move, Mitsuhide slashed him four times across the chest. In another blindingly fast move, he shoved his blade into Naruto's hands just below the wrist. A boot to the face knocked Naruto to the ground.

"Yield now or I will take your head." Something that couldn't quite be placed was creeping into Mitsuhide's monotone.

"God-dammit, listening to you pisses me off." Naruto growled.

"I'm calling the match now." Genma said, stepping forward. "Winner, mi-"

"Don't you dare make that call!" Naruto shouted, fumbling with his ruined jacket. "I'm just getting started." He tore the jacket off, leaving him in a white undershirt that was rapidly staining red. The large X-shaped slashes were bleeding heavily, his wrists twitching from stigmata.

"Oh god, Naruto!" Sakura exclaimed, terror over her teammate's wounds quite evident. Hinata couldn't even speak, so horrified at her love's condition was she.

"Woooow~," a voice whispered in her ear. Hinata shrieked as she whirled around, Kagero hanging perilously off the roof supports. "I haven't seen Mitsy do that attack since he killed his father! He must REEEAAAALLY want to impress the Mizukage!" she grinned menacingly. "Do you like that idea? Dear ol' cutie-pie lover boy is gonna get chopped into IIIITTY bitty little pieces by Mitsy, just like he did to his daddy~!" Hinata was nearly at the point of losing her breakfast right there.

Naruto heard none of this. He heard nothing but the sound of the blood rushing in his ears. He slowly brought his hands together. Mitsuhide eyed the gesture with cold indifference.

"Can you not speak anymore?"

"Fuck you." the hands suddenly became a sign, and another Naruto appeared behind the swordsman and delivered a crushing roundhouse kick that sent him racing into the stone walls. The clone reached over and pulled Naruto up, grinning.

"Good thing the guy was a stupid bastard, eh, boss?"

"Right about that…" Naruto shook his hands, already getting feeling back into them. The slashes on his chest were next when Mitsuhide stumbled out of the cloud of dust.

"You get back up?" Mitsuhide exclaimed. "You should be dead thrice-over!"

"I'm a lot sturdier than I look." The clone rushed forward while Naruto tossed out a dozen kunai. "Kage Kunai no Jutsu!" Mitsuhide dispelled the clone but was only barely able to begin deflecting the hail, gaining some slight nicks and scratches for his efforts. He looked again, and Naruto was gone.

"What? Whe-" a mind-blowing punch to the back of the skull was his answer, and Mitsuhide went skidding across the ground. Naruto struck a pose, eliciting some cheers from the crowd. Mitsuhide pulled himself up.

"Your strength is adequate." He resheathed his blade. "But you will never succeed. I am like the hand the heavens, come down to smite the infidel. To think of overcoming me is as unthinkable as an everlasting peace. I will always here to defeat you, just as war will always be here to eliminate the weak, the feeble the unnecessary." Naruto bristled.

"Fuck you. You don't know shit about peace because you serve a monster of a Kage that causes genocide for shits and giggles!"

"Never speak of the Mizukage with your filthy lips!" Mitsuhide shouted, and he disappeared in a flash of smoke.

"**BEHIND YOU!" **Naruto didn't even think as he jumped; only barely dodging a strike that would have severed his spine in two. He spun around in the air and drop-kicked the back of the swordsman's head, sending him skidding. **"Blast him with my chakra. Show him exactly just who he's fucking with."**

Naruto growled and unleashed the unbridled rage of the Kyuubi. Mitsuhide froze in place. Behind the blasphemer was a writhing image. In his eyes, it was the screams of the damned, the cries of all those who burned in suffering for eternity, and other such horrors that would break a lesser man's mind, all focused into the visage of a fiery, snarling fox-head.

"What…?" suddenly, the swordsman understood why the Mizukage had warned him so. The bile rising in his throat from the repeated blows to the head nearly threatened to break free. "What are you?"

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!" Naruto roared as he rushed forward and planted his fist in Mitsuhide's gut. A slide and a kick to his spine, a knee to the back of the legs, and a flash of seals. Four Naruto clones stood there.

"U!" "ZU!" "MA!" KI!" four voices shouted as the man was mercilessly pummeled into the air. Naruto jumped up to his body. "NARUTO RENDAN!" another ruthless ax-kick and the swordsman impacted with the force of a small meteor. Naruto picked up his sword ('man, this thing is heavier than it looks!') and held it at Mitsuhide's neck.

"Now, YOU yield or I take your head." Naruto said with no small amount of satisfaction. Mitsuhide swallowed multiple times, and whispered something. "Come again?"

"Suiton… :Mizu RAPPA!" a stream of water shot from the man's mouth with the strength of a firehose, and Naruto went skidding back. He managed to keep hold of the sword, though. Mitsuhide was back on his feet, though very much the worse for wear, and pulling out a scroll.

"Were you deliberating under the delusion that swordplay was my singular skill set?" he asked, unrolling the scroll.

"Oh, shit!" Naruto screamed.

"KAI!" the scroll released, and a geyser of water shot at Naruto. The water congealed around him, holding its shape instead of flowing away, and soon Naruto was trapped inside a raindrop-like water dome.

'SHITSHITSHIT!' Naruto began swimming for the surface, but a sudden voice froze him in his tracks.

"Naruto, why do you struggle?" Naruto whirled around, and there was the Sandaime, standing in his office. Naruto looked down and saw not the dome of water, but wood paneling.

'Shit! Genjutsu!' he didn't dare open his mouth.

"Naruto…" the Sandaime sighed. "I know this is hard for you… being the Hokage has been your dream since you were a little boy…"

"**Don't you dare listen to it! While we're in this fantasy world of yours, we're running out of oxygen!" **the Kyuubi screamed.

"But…" the old man kneaded his head. "I… I honestly don't think the people would accept you as their Hokage."

Naruto froze in shock… but only for a moment. 'You already know this is Genjutsu! The old man would never say that! This is playing off my fears or something!'

"**Well, at least you recognize that, instead of being an idiot, trying to answer back and getting a lung full of water." **Said the fox.

"Not just for the… problem you have, but for your actions as well." The Sandaime continued on, unaware he was being ignored.

'Do you have any idea how to get out of this?'

"**If I'm right, it's just any ordinary illusion. A strong illusion, but not with any special triggers or other flashy shit. You can dispel it your flashy way, but that'd mean you'd either drop the sword or get a blade in places blades don't go. Or, you could power your way out of it."**

"People want a Hokage that is always acting for the good of the citizens, and is respectful to all. Can you say that, when everybody saw your handiwork scrawled across the Hokage monument? Or when you filled the police station with stink bombs?"

'We'll go the brute force route. I'm using your chakra.'

"**As long as I don't die in this devil-forsaken cage." **The fox pumped chakra through the boy's body.

"I know how much this meant to-"

"KAI!" Naruto finally opened his mouth, and with a blast of demonic chakra, the Genjutsu was dispelled. He paddled to the surface and gasped in air. The exposed head, however, was a prime target for a knee to the chin. Naruto flew out of the dome, landing painfully on the ground.

"Your survival and persistence is admirable, but vexing." Mitsuhide commented as he walked over to the dome where his sword was still lodged. His eyes, however, were filled with a cold malice that defied his calm tone.

"You… you're nothing… compared to Zabuza…" Naruto gasped for air. "And I still… kicked his ass…!"

"You use the name of a traitor and mass murderer as if it were a pride-worthy child." He said, glaring. "Zabuza did not lose because of lack of skill or weakness, but of pragmatism. Do you think that he would truly use his full might against Genin whose names are simply waiting to be swallowed by the passage of time?" he waved his hand, and the sword shot out of the raindrop and into his hand.

"**Heheh." **Kyuubi chuckled.

'What?'

"**I left him a present. It should kick in…"**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Mitsuhide screamed with unholy might as his entire hand exploded into a bloody mess, his sword smoking on the ground.

"**Right now." **The fox sounded rather smug and satisfied with itself.

'What the hell did you do?' Naruto nearly screamed out loud.

"**I just infused the blade with a fuck-ton of my chakra while you were holding it. Now only somebody with my chakra in their circulation can safely hold it. If you don't, well…"**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! MY HAAAAAAAAAAAND!"

"…**you end up like that guy."**

"That is really brutal… but it gets me the win! KANZAKI KICK!" Naruto backflipped over Mitsuhide before delivering a devastating double-heel drop kick to the back of Mitsuhide's head. The swordsman dropped to the ground and did not stir. "Call the match, proctor!"

"Winner by knockout, Uzumaki Naruto!" Genma announced to wild cheering. Naruto couldn't help but whoop with glee.

"YEAH! WHO'S THE MAN! I'M THE MAN!" the cheers turned to screams. "Wha-"

SHILCK!

Naruto's eyes shot wide open. He stared down at his chest and the blade sticking out of his gut with confusion. "Wha…?"

"This… is a battle…!" Mitsuhide growled, blood streaming freely down his face, his hands exploding gorily as he gripped the cursed blade. "If you do not end… the life of your opponent… the battle… is not over!"

"FOUL!" Genma screamed as he leapt in, kunai drawn. Half a dozen ninja Jounin leapt down into the ring, forming the seals to deadly Jutsu.

"WAIT!" Naruto screamed. The Jounin hesitated. "Fucker…" Naruto growled and whipped around. With his hands the rough consistency of hamburgers, Mitsuhide could not resist the power behind it. With a scream of pain, Naruto drew the blade out of his stomach. "You want to die that badly…?"

"I do this in the name of the great Mizukage…!" he growled, clicking his sandals together and exposing a toe-blade.

"You live in his name, huh… then DIE BY IT!" Naruto screamed and swung the blade. The swordsman maintained his fierce scowl, even as his head bounced across the ground. Naruto and Mitsuhide's bodies sank to their knees as one. "Fuck… can you fix this, Kyuubi?"

"**Yeah… yeah, I can fix this." **Kyuubi is quieter than usual. **"Either you are the luckiest son-of-a-bitch there is, or he got really cross-eyed from all those kicks to the head, because he hit barely any organs that are needed to live. You'll probably have to eat through a straw for a while after today, but give me a couple matches in the ring and I'll have to fit to fight for the invasion."**

"Good…" he felt arms load him onto the stretcher and walk him away, amid the wild screams and calls for revenge against the Mizukage.

"**Oh, and by the way? Once this is over with, we'll have a new sword to use. That chakra ain't going anywhere for a while, so you'll be the only one able to wield it. Spoils of war, right?"**

"Awesome…" and Naruto closed his eyes, and felt unconsciousness take him.

* * *

Chapter 16 End

* * *

And now, a word from the Co-Authors:

Yo, everybody! this is The Animaniac Dude!

_This is MHX and I'd just like to say sorry for making you wait 6 months for this chapter._

So, as you can see, we're not dead. brand new, big-ass chapter for you. just to show we haven't forgotten about you.

_Now if you're wondering why it's shorter then the last few I'll hand it over to the Dude._

Yeah... our drafts had this go twice as long, but we didn't want to hold up the process any longer. Good call, right?

_This is for fan appreciation and the next chapter will be out before 2012._

Saying something like that isn't going to inspire confidence in our updating skills, you know… well, whatever. Whatever happens will happen.

Read, review and all that jazz! This is The Animaniac dude, _and MHX, _signing off! Good night, and thanks for not reading Yaoi!


	17. End of the Chunin Exams: The Invasion

We made it holy shit we made it.

Majin Hentai X presents Naruto Game of the Year Edition Chapter 17

I own nothing except the gifts I was given by my friends and family.

Tuxedo Mask looked up in so much terror his entire body was frozen his brain was overloading at the terrifying vision in the Tokyo sky.

"Normal Speech" "Oh Shit." The fop said at last staring into the six glowing eyes of the six miles of serpentine silver dragon flowing across the sky energy crackling across it's scales

_'Thoughts' 'I'm really regretting that kiddy porn I made'_ Tuxedo thought to himself as the draconic author stared down at him.

**"Greater Beings Speaking/thinking" "Put your head between your legs and kiss your ass good bye**." The transformed Author rumbled opening his mouth and letting the energy build inside to critical mass.

Techniques being used "**Imperial Sacrifice to the Thousand Gods"**The Dragon whispered with the weight of a death sentence directly into the soul of the of the reincarnated fop before unleashing the massive pillar of crackling silver power annihilating the fop down to his very soul.

* * *

Chapter 17: End of Examination the Invasion

* * *

"**Hey! Get up, fleshbag." **

…

"**For fuck's sake, get up! I know you're not sleeping." **Naruto groaned and rolled over in the hospital bed.

"I hate hospitals." He sat up and glanced around. Lotta people in here. Guess they're the ones who lost their match. The door opened up, and in came Kakashi.

"Oh. You're up." He sounded surprised.

"Yeah. 'He' told me right before I passed out I should be healed up in a couple of hours." He rolled his arm and patted his stomach, wincing. "Apparently he didn't count it stinging like hell as 'not healed'."

"Well, with a fight like that, I'd be surprised you're up at all, helping hand or not." He sat down in the chair, slouching forward. "So. You wanna hear what you missed?"

"That'd be nice. There's practically nobody in here, so I can't tell who lost and who won." Naruto pulled himself up.

"Well, to start right after you got carted out…"

* * *

"Naruto…!" Hinata looked about to pass out as she watched him get carted out of the arena on the stretcher, bleeding heavily. The swordsman's body, though, they didn't treat with any modicum of respect as they schlepped it away like a sack of bloody potatoes.

"Hoooh, Mitsy died…" Kagero sounded disappointed. "And he was such a fun person to tease… now where am I going to get my giggles?" Hinata gave a start at the assassin once again hanging from the ceiling. The girl smirked and dropped down. "But still, he got lover-boy good. And he wasn't that bad a fighter… Mitsy and I are on the same skill level…" she grinned a slasher-esque smile. "So are you as good as lover-boy was? I~ Hope~ sooo~, for your sake!" she sashayed away from her. Hinata nearly broke into tears right there.

Kakashi grimaced behind his mask at the Kirigakure girl's treatment of Hinata. 'Her mind games are seriously wrecking havoc on her confidence.' He mused, covering the Sharingan eye he'd been reading lips with as the stadium roared with outrage and hatred for Kirigakure, the Mizukage in particular. The cowardly strike seemed to have broken the dam of barely-restrained loathing of the hidden village, and he could see many people dressed in Kirigakure clothing either being beaten to within inches of their life in the stands or running for the exits in fear.

"This is a political nightmare…" he muttered as ANBU leaped into the crowds to try and still the wrathful spectators.

"I agree." Gai said from his shoulder. "While that boy's extremely unyouthful attack was completely inexcusable, that it would bring about this amount of violence against noncombatants… it's shameful for us."

"Yeah…" he responded. "It's gonna be a while before anybody's willing to sit down and peacefully watch."

"Kakashi…" Gai looked over at the sobbing Hyuuga. "What is going to happen in that battle? We know of the Mizukage's hatred of bloodlines, and has probably instructed his combatants in unyouthful strategies. If this is what happens if the village's pariah is unyouthfully struck down… then what would happen if the Hyuuga heiress were killed by one of their ninja?"

"…" Kakashi could already see in his mind's eye the village people storming Kirigakure and being slaughtered… the inevitable declaration of war by Konoha… and each and every village leaping into the fray, finally sensing a weakness in the indomitable Konohagakure.

"You know what would happen if it came to pass."

"…Yeah. The Fourth Great Ninja War."

"…Do you think that is why the Mizukage has come to Konoha this year? Do you think he intends to provoke us to war?" Gai asked. Kakashi looked up at the Kage's box. The Mizukage was not responding in the slightest, even as his own people were beaten to death by Konoha citizens.

"…I don't know. I honestly don't know." Kakashi looked back at the sobbing Hyuuga. "I just hope we don't have to worry about that happening…"

"In other words, Hinata must win, or all-out war will break loose."

"Yeah…" Kakashi sat back in his seat, musing on the troubling turn of events as the ANBU tried to restore order.

* * *

Thirty Minutes Later…

* * *

"…Would Aburame Shino and Rock Lee please step forward?" Genma announced, after a blistering speech on the Hokage's part that any further violence on the spectator's part WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. The crowd seemed suitably cowed, though the presence of anybody in the crowd wearing Kirigakure clothing was still one-in-a-thousand.

The two Genin stood across from each other, staring each other down over the muddy expanse.

"The events before us were truly horrifying, Shino-kun." Rock Lee said. "Let us show the world the power of our youth to let them forget all the evil in their hearts."

"… Agreed." Nodded Shino. Lee settled into his Goken stance, whereas Shino simply stood there.

"…Begin!" Genma shouted.

"DYNAMIC ENTRY!" Lee shouted, launching himself into the air and kicking a hole in Shino's head. The bug clone, now sans a head, turned to Shino and began its counterattack. The swarm of bugs seemed to devour Lee, but the boy simply ignored them and continued to sweep for the real Aburame.

Suddenly, a pair of hands gripped Lee by his ankles. Before he could even react, the bugs tore themselves away from Lee, reformed into a giant fist, and walloped Lee right in the face. He rolled back like a punchy-clown, but could not leave because of the grip on his feet. The fist pulled back and socked Lee again. He rolled back and could not fly away, again. The fist reared back…

And Lee met the giant bug-fist with his own. The creation dissolved into a swarm of Kikai, whereas Lee began stomping on the ground with increasing strength until the hands loosened around his ankles.

"A good ploy, Shino-kun!" Lee cheered as he leapt away, watching the disembodied hands rise to become the Aburame child. "Your bugs have a very youthful vigor to their strikes! It must mean that the one who raised them is full of the flames of youth himself!"

"…I care for them well, yes."

"Exactly! It is my honor to fight against one so youthful himself!" he launched himself forward for a kick, but was halted by Shino's forearm. "Hoh?" Lee asked, impressed. "You have very strong arms, for them to stop a blow of mine."

"…Chakra-infused Ceramic plating. Stronger than forged steel and lighter than paper… Family specialty." Shino stared at Lee behind his glasses. "…Made it myself."

* * *

"The Aburame do pottery?" Naruto asked, confused. "I didn't even know that!"

"It's something of a well-known secret in Konoha." Kakashi explained. "I don't know the exact details, but I know it's somehow created with the use of their chakra-draining bugs, and it's one of the most highly-coveted armor-smithing techniques in the world. They generally don't like to use it unless they're among friends or it's all-out war… if the armor shattered, somebody could make off with a piece of it and reverse-engineer it, and if that happens, then enemies of Konoha have an ace they shouldn't have."

"They won't use it unless it's all-out war?" said Naruto, amazed. "Even if it's a massively dangerous mission?"

"Well, they'll sometimes use it for A or S rank missions, but then they generally have a dead-man's switch imbedded during the firing of the clay, so that if the armor shatters, even a little bit, the entire set explodes, whether or not the Aburame is still inside the armor."

"Damn…!" breathed Naruto. "That's hardcore."

"Nobody can say that the Aburame aren't loyal." Kakashi smiled. "You won't hear this from anybody else, but after the Uchiha and the Senju founded Konoha, the Aburame were the first to join, even before the Hyuuga and the other major clans. They didn't even ask for lots of privileges for being first, either. They just wanted a place to call home. The Hyuuga then joined, making a big stink about needing special treatment because of their eyes, and the Aburame's voice was more or less drowned out in the ensuing hissy fit."

"…" Naruto's respect for the Aburame shot up from 'those weird guys with the bugs' to 'those hardcore loyal guys with the bugs.' To him, that was quite an improvement.

"Anyway, can I get on with the story now?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, keep going…"

"Yosh! A worthy challenge!" Lee cheered as he leapt back. He leapt up into the air and flung himself into a dive-kick at Shino. The Aburame dove into the ground as the earth shattered under the mighty blow.

"Come, Shino-kun! Let us have a most youthful battle for all to see!" Lee cheered as he scanned for the miniscule ripples marking a sub-earthen traveler.

…There! He punched the ground where he saw the ripple, and Shino flew out into the sky. "Yosh!" Lee whooped as he fell into a stance. A swarm of bugs flew out around Shino to slow his descent as another swarm descended onto Lee.

The boy simply ignored the bugs as they latched onto his body. "You must not know me well, Shino-kun, if you think your bugs will inconvenience me!" Lee struck a stance. "I have no usable chakra! All I have in me is what is required for me to continue living!"

"…My Kikai tell me otherwise." Shino uttered as he lightly touched down.

"Ah?" said Lee, confused.

"…Enough talk." Out of Shino's sleeves slid two hand-held scythes, and the boy rushed forward. His swipes were efficient and strong, but not the strikes of someone who is used to their heft; it was obvious to anybody who knew weaponry Shino hadn't been wielding them for long.

His novice status, however, didn't stop him from putting a good-sized gash through Lee's spandex and drawing a size-able amount of blood. "Agh!" Lee bit his cry of pain short. "You are full of surprises, Shino-kun!" Lee grinned through the pain. "I would have guessed you were yet another long-range fighter!"

"...Life adapts to changes in the environment, or it dies. So too must a Shinobi adapt to changes on the battlefield, or they die." Shino murmured as he continued hacking away at Lee. Lee grinned.

"Yosh! A most youthful stateme-AGH!" Lee let out a cry of pain without being touched by Shino. Shino took the opportunity to slash at Lee's arms, drawing two parallel gashes on his left bicep. "GHH!" Lee leapt away, clutching at his chest. "What is… What is this pain…?"

"…If you say you have no useable chakra, then what are my Kikai drawing out of you now?" Shino asked softly.

"What are you ta-AAAAAAGH!" Lee screamed in agony, crumbling to his knees as he clutched his chest. Shino walked over to Lee and put a scythe around his neck.

"…Proctor, the combatant is in no shape to conti-"

BOOM!

Shino went flying into the air, driven by Rock Lee's fist. The Aburame boy went up… up… up… and then came crashing down, down, down, until he was caught by Genma. The Proctor put a finger to his neck.

"Winner by knockout, Rock L-"

"AAAAAAAGH!" Lee screamed, writhing in pain as a visible aura formed around him. The aura grew bigger, and darker, and more palpable, until it exploded outward, tearing through the coliseum. Walls were gouged, clothes were torn, and people were nearly blasted off their feet. Lee then crumpled to the ground, completely unconscious.

* * *

"Holy shit!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Yeah, that pretty much covers it." Kakashi nodded. "Holy shit."

"What happened?"

"That's the thing: nobody has any idea what Rock Lee did. Gai, when he wasn't frantic with worry, said that that was definitely not something that any of the gates did, bar maybe the eighth gate. And if he had opened the eighth gate, he would dead." Kakashi said with some weight he had to stop Gai from using it himself on one occasion.

"That's… kinda scary, that Lee can do that…" said Naruto, and we wasn't bluffing either.

"Yeah. Whatever it was, it made him insanely powerful. Shino only barely avoided cracking his entire ribcage thanks to his armor, and even then, the entire set was completely shattered into a fine powder."

"Is Lee okay?" Naruto asked, looking around the room and not finding his friend. "And where's Shino? If he was that hurt, then why isn't he in here?"

"Shino was taken away by his family. Said they knew how to treat somebody with their physiology better than the Konoha hospital could. I'm inclined to agree with them." Kakashi shrugged. "And as for Lee, he regained consciousness a while ago, completely free of injuries. Whatever that thing did, it healed him perfectly. The doctors are running tests on him right now. If you weren't laid up right now, and they weren't poking and prodding him to kingdom come, you two would be fighting next."

"What?" Naruto shouted. "You mean I'm out of the exam?"

"Well, since you're healing so quickly, and since rock Lee seems to be fine other than the fact he just did whatever he just did, you two are probably just going to get stuck back in for the next full round; the crowd's gotten very excited about the thought of you two fighting, and if you're alright, we're obligated to provide. For this round? Yeah, you're done."

"Man, that is complete bullshit!" Naruto shouted. Kakashi remained silent. 'Sigh' "Whatever. What happened after that?"

"Well…"

* * *

"Would Hyuuga Hinata and Nakamura Kagero please step forward?"

"Oh, shit."

"Shut up, quit interrupting the story." Kakashi said with annoyance trying to find his place again.

"Would Hyuuga Hinata and Nakamura Kagero please step forward?" Genma announced. Hinata was practically trembling as Kagero bounced cheerily down to the arena.

"Aaahh… Aaahh…" Hinata panted, seriously considering a forfeit. It would shame her before her father, and… Naruto… but, she would be alive. She opened her mouth to speak…

"You really think that Naruto would want you to do that?" Kakashi asked, appearing at her side. She nearly shrieked.

"K-K-Kakashi-san!" the girl stammered. "Y-you startled me!"

"Maaah, sorry." He rubbed the back of his head, embarrassed. "Force of habit, didn't think it wouldn't be good for you." he grew serious again. "But in all honesty, do you really think that Naruto would want you to give up just like that, without even trying?"

"I…" Hinata mumbled. "…no, he wouldn't. But, but I'm not brave like him. I c-can't stand up to strong people… I'm w-weak…"

"I have to disagree." Kakashi retorted. "You are strong in ways that would make the rest of us look frail in comparison. Don't ever doubt that." Hinata looked away. Kakashi sighed. "…Hinata, have you ever heard of a 'Yamato Nadeshiko'?" (Japanese Wildflower)

"Yamato… Nadeshiko?" Hinata puzzled, rolling the word around in her mouth.

"It's a term used by the Samurai to describe one idea of the perfect girlfriend… or wife." Said Kakashi. Hinata's face turned beet red, but remained silent. "The woman is demure and proper, with a gentle touch to all. She is a beautiful woman, a devoted and loving mother, and is dedicated to the one she loves." Hinata turned even redder.

"But just because she is passive doesn't mean that she has no will." Kakashi said, a stronger tone creeping into his voice. "Beneath the demure and proper exterior lies a core of steel." Hinata looked up, confused but listening intently. "She has the power to change a man's mind to whatever she wants, without the man even knowing it wasn't his idea in the first place. She has the strength of will to terrify men twice the size of her with a kind word and a smile. She is powerful enough that, should the time come that all chance of peace has ended, she is strong enough to pick up her weapons and fight just as well as, if not more so, than her lover."

"…" Hinata was silent. It was more of a contemplative silence, though, than her usual embarrassed silence.

"I might not have any right to talk about Naruto and your love life," Kakashi continued, "but I think, what with all that Naruto has been though in his life, that kind of woman is exactly what he needs to get through the world. And I think, I truly believe, that with everything that Kurenai has told me about you, you are going to grow into exactly the kind of woman that Naruto needs. So remember…" Kakashi squatted down to meet her in the eye. "…you may be a delicate flower… but you are also a _wild_flower."

"…Thank you, Kakashi-san." Hinata said, bowing slightly. In her mind's eye, the image of her smiling mother, with her gentle voice and soft hands, was echoed by her father's voice: 'I never could win an argument with that woman…'

"Will Hinata Hyuuga please either step to the arena or announce her forfeiture." Genma announced.

"I have to go now…" Hinata turned around to leave, but gave one last glance to the Cyclops. "You truly are full of wisdom, Kakashi-san. I do not know why others belittle you so." And with that, she began the walk down into the arena.

* * *

"…You really said all that to her?" Naruto asked, more amazed than embarrassed that his teacher was taking a heavy hand in his love life.

"Yep." Kakashi leaned back, eye-smiling.

"Wow… where'd you learn all that?"

"Icha Icha Paradise, Volume 3." Kakashi announced proudly. Naruto face-vaulted.

"I should have known…" he mumbled.

"That's where I learned the term, anyway." Kakashi continued. "I learned that's what that kind of woman was called when Ichika falls in love at first sight with Yuna."

'Love? In one of Ero-Sadist's books?' Naruto thought to himself.

"The real place I learned about it… was my mother." Kakashi eye-smiles as Naruto looked up at him. "In all of the time that she was still alive, I remember that she was the only one that could bend my father to her will. One of the strongest men in existence, maybe even stronger than the Sannin, and a stern glare from my mother was all it took to make him fold like a deck of cards."

"Heh…" Naruto laughed.

"Anyways, let's get back to the story, yeah?"

"Yeah, let's do that…" Naruto said some measure of respect he once had for Kakashi returning.

* * *

"O~hooh?" Kagero grinned as Hinata took a stance as soon as she was in position. "The little girlie's found some backbone! This might fun after all~!"

"…" Hinata slowly met the gaze of Kagero. "You can taunt me, you can belittle me, and you can tear me down as much as you want… I… I am used to that. I can take that. But…" she glared; a rather startling expression for all that knew her. "… the moment you involved Naruto-kun in your sick mind… is the moment I cannot tolerate!"

"…she didn't even stutter once…" Kiba muttered, amazed. Kurenai glanced up at Kakashi, who was leaning against the wall with an Icha Icha book in his hand, the very picture of disinterest.

"Kakashi… what did you say to her?"

"Begin!" Genma shouted. Neither kunoichi moved.

"…"

"…"

"… Is this a staring contest, or do I have to make the first move?" Kagero shouted.

"…then come at me… if you can." Hinata murmured, eyes closed.

"O~Kay~!" the Assassin chirped as he knives slid into her hands. The knife flew, grazing Hinata's cheek and drawing blood. Kagero yanked on the cord connected to the knife, and it whipped sideways, wrapping Hinata tightly around the waist. "Toodles!" Kagero cheered, rushed forward, and planted the knife right between Hinata's eyes.

The crowd gasped in horror. The entire stadium fell silent. Kakashi sighed and turned a page in his book.

"She's not done that quickly."

"Whaaaaat?" Kagero moaned. "That was way too easy! What, do all Hyuuga suck this bad, or is it just the two that I fougAAAAAGH!" she suddenly screamed and was blown forward. Hinata stood there, Byakugan blazing.

"For someone who excels at deceiving others, you are rather weak against it yourself." She declared. Kagero moaned as she looked up, watching her target waver and fade into a log.

"Genjutsu, are you kidding me?" she shouted as she pushed herself up. "You Hyuuga don't do Genjutsu! It's all about your freaky eyes and the chakra points!"

"You focus on only one aspect of the Jyuuken. The sealing of chakra points is not what makes the jyuuken a powerful style; it is that we can rupture your internal organs with barely a touch that makes us feared throughout the world." Hinata glared. "And you truly believe that I could have a world-class Genjutsu mistress as a sensei and I would not be taught her art?"

"Grr!" Kagero growled. "Fine! You know Genjutsu. You only got me that time because I didn't know. You won't trick me a second time!" this seemed to calm her, because her confidence seemed to return. "I mean, really, now! A trick of the mind won't help you stop this from splitting you in TWO!" she rushed forward, knife in hand. Hinata knocked her arm away, jabbing at her stomach.

"Yes it will." Hinata said softly as Kagero swiped again at blinding speeds. Hinata valiantly knocked all attacks away, and even attempted her own, but the entire thing was a zero-sum game. "The power of Genjutsu comes from confidence. If you truly believe that what you want to happen can form from your will…" Hinata bent backwards to dodge a swipe, high-kicking Kagero in the jaw as she flipped away to safety. "Then it WILL happen. And your belief becomes their belief. Just as Naruto's belief has become my belief."

"AGH!" Kagero yelped, rubbing her jaw.

"If you do not believe in your own will, then your Genjutsu will fail… or even be turned against you." Hinata spoke, her serenity a sharp contrast to Kagero's rising ire. "That is why I have never used the Genjutsu I have been taught… because I did not believe in myself. I did not believe that I was worth anything to the eyes of the world." Hinata then seemed to blur, and where there was once one, now there were three.

"But now, that is gone." The three Hinata spoke in stereo. "I have been shown I have worth. I have been shown that no matter what may happen, there are people in the world that will respect and adore me for who I am, no matter what may happen." The three Hinata turned to six. "And you cannot change that. Your words of acid and spite can hurt me no more. Without your opponent doubting themselves, you have no edge, no opening to exploit, no weakness to tear apart and throw salt upon."

"SHUT UP, YOU BITCH!" Kagero roared, whipping out both knives and whirling about, slashing all six Hinata clones through the stomach. They all faded into nothing. "WHERE ARE YOU?"

"I am wherever I want to be." Hinata echoed in Kagero's ear. The girl screamed and jabbed behind her, her blade meeting nothing but air. "I am whatever I want to be. I am whoever I want to be. And that is why you are going to lose. Because in the end, I am free to be whoever I want. You, however, are nothing but a sad, broken toy to a master that does not care for you. You cannot earn his favor, you cannot escape his eternal wrath, and ultimately, you know that you are going to die, serving a maniacal dictator that would watch the world burn for his own pleasure… just like your mother and father."

"NO! I REFUSE TO BELIE-" Kagero began screaming, before she stopped. "How do you know about my parents?" recognition. "Genjutsu! KAI!" the six Hinata clones faded away, and Hinata stood down the field, exactly where she had been at the start of the match.

"You…!" Kagero forced a smile on her face. "You're a tricky bitch, aren't you? What was that?"

"Nothing that you already did not know yourself." Hinata stated calmly, her Byakugan active once more. "Whatever you saw during the Tsuisutopea Shinjitsu (Twisted Truth) is simply what you yourself already believe, deep down in your soul." She slowly took a jyuuken stance. "It takes the truth you know in your heart but refuse to admit, and violently brings it to the surface. So… what truth did you see?"

"… You're good." Kagero started grinning. "You're almost as good as me at messing with people's heads." Two knives dropped into her hands. "Fine, then. We fight as we were made. We do this sportsmanlike."

"You mean you stop your mind games and I stop my Genjutsu, and we kill each other like civilized people?" Hinata tilted her head. "I have the advantage, so I have no need to agree to this…"

Silence.

"…But yes, we shall."

"Great~!" Kagero chirped, before suddenly throwing out a zip-line. The line wrapped around Hinata's waist almost instantaneously, before pulling the Hyuuga girl in towards her at rapid speeds. Her fingers cut the line, but she was already in place. A knife slipped into her side.

"Die!"

"I think not." Strike, strike, leap away. Kagero yelped in pain as she felt her deadened arm. Hinata poked at the hole in her jacket, and Kagero groaned at what she saw underneath.

"Oh, come on! A flak jacket? I thought you were just fat!"

"You thought the Hyuuga family would let the heir go outside without constant protection after the cloud's kidnapping attempt?" Hinata asked. She tore at the coat when it started smoking, exposing a rather hefty suit of body armor. "I wear this armor almost constantly."

"Right." Kagero whipped a blade at her, barely missing her head. The assassin used the moment to rush forward, slamming a palm onto her stomach. "Raiton: Kaminari No Kami No Te!" a surge of chakra created electricity blasted into Hinata's frame, and she went screaming into the arena wall. "Fun fact! Flak Jackets are super-conductive of electricity!"

"Ghh…"

"Oh?" Kagero peered into the dirt cloud to see Hinata standing again. "Your guts didn't get cooked! You're stronger than I thought~!"

"…" Hinata rushed forward, lashing out with a flurry of strikes at Kagero. The girl countered, slashing over and over towards the girl. Neither girl was able to gain an advantage.

Hiashi stood in the bleachers, struck dumb by the flurry of heretofore unknown skill by his first daughter. Hanabi looked up at her father's stunned expression. "Father?" she spoke. "What's wrong?"

"…" he watched silently as Hinata dodged a slash that would have sheared her in half with a retaliatory kick to the assassin's side.

"Father?"

"…me." he finally spoke. "I'm wrong. I was wrong."

"Ghh…!" the pinkette winced as she felt her side. A few good blows had slowed her down, and the Hyuuga hadn't been touched. She subtly switched the poisons on her left blade, before charging back in. kick, kick, duck, slash, slash, jyuuken strike. Nothing connected.

"Dammit!" Kagero growled as she leapt back again. "None of the reports said you were anywhere near this good!"

"… I have nothing more to say to you." Hinata intoned, striking a pose as Kagero charged. "You are within the field of my divination."

"OH SHIT!" Kagero skidded to a halt and threw out a zip-line to a nearby spectator railing. It latched on.

"Two strikes!" Hinata shouted, hitting Kagero's legs.

"AGH!"

"Four strikes!" the blows hit her other leg. The zip-line activated, though, and pulled the pinkette out of range for any more strikes.

"What?" Hiashi shouted, shocked. "How does she…!"

"Father?" Hinabi asked, confused.

"I never taught her that move! How does she know it?"

"Gaaah…!" Kagero screamed, clutching her deadened calves. Hinata slowly lowered her hands, ending the technique.

"It's over. I may have only completed four strikes on you, but your calves have been blocked. You can no longer control your legs."

"I don't… need to walk…" Kagero growled, quickly flipping through seals. Hinata leapt back, raising her hands. "To beat YOU!" she shouted. "RAITON: ISSHI RAKURAI!" out of her hands flew a bolt of lightning travelling faster than the human eye could see.

"KAITEN!" Hinata shouted.

"WHAT!" Hiashi and Kagero shouted in stereo.

The blue dome burst into life just as the lightning met it. The two Jutsu met, before the dome prevailed. The bolt bounced like a rubber ball off the dome, shooting right back at Kagero.

"NO-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" she screamed as the bolt of lightning shot through every single nerve ending in her body, exploding every water droplet in her body, destroying her eardrums, bursting the blood capillaries in her eyes, and burning off every single hair on her body. When the Jutsu ended, she slumped to the ground, bleeding from every pore and orifice on her body, her skin charred black, her limbs twitching with electric discharge. In fact, to everybody looking on, it looked like the girl was cooked alive.

The medics didn't even need a shout from Genma to start rushing over and loading her onto a gurney, healers already pushing green chakra into her broken body. Genma walked over to Hinata and raised her hand.

"Winner by knockout, Hinata Hyuuga!"

* * *

"Damn." Said Rasu as she leaned over the computer screen. "I didn't know your Subroutines gave that much of a power increase. She took down a special Jounin like it was nothing!"

"Yeah," frowned Susanoo, "and I'd be proud of it too, if it was supposed to have actually happened. The YN subroutine isn't supposed to activate until she's at least two years into a loving, happy relationship and has given birth at least once. This seemed to activate just by Kakashi explaining the concept to her!"

"What, so you didn't activate it to give the girl an advantage?" Rasu exclaimed.

"Nope." Susanoo pushed himself away from the computer screen. "You know I'm a hands-off god. I don't usually interfere unless the stability of a world is placed in danger. I mean, sure, I like Naruto's new squeeze, and it'd make things a hell of a lot harder on him if Kiri started off ninja world war three by killing Hinata, but you know what? Shit doesn't always turn out sunshine and kittens. That's how life does things. It'll drop a bridge on you, and you either stay down and let like kick you in the balls, or you come back like a bad ass out of hell and make things go your way." He sighed and pushed himself back to his desk. "Which should tell you how bad things are if even I'm micromanaging them."

"So, what? We're going to turn the Yamato Nadeshiko subroutine off?" Rasu leaned on the table, looking into the computer's data stream. "Seems like a waste, if you ask me. She's so much more powerful this way. She wouldn't take shit from anybody."

"Yeah, with absolutely no character development behind it." Susanoo countered. "I don't do that. Besides, a subroutine assumes that the person is at a certain point in their life, with certain requisite skills having been learned. Hinata doesn't know the Hakke: Rokujuyon shou or the Kaiten, but the program made her act like she does. If a subroutine activates without the proper history behind it, things will get corrupted, and the last thing we need at this point is more corruption. We don't need to help _her_ out in ruining the multiverse. _SHE _does that easy enough on her own."

"But… maybe it would be a good idea to leave it on… just a little longer?" Tsuku murmured.

"Hmm…" Susanoo frowned. "You may have a point. She made it through the invasion the first time because she was passed out in the hospital. If she's still awake, she's going to fight, and a Hyuuga is going to get a shitload more attackers looking to cash in on Kumo's bounty. That kind of Diabolus Ex Machina would just be a dick move on our part."

"So…"

"Alright, I'll leave the YN subroutine on for the duration of the Invasion, but the second she's permanently out of harm's way, it's off. Happy?" he asked the two women.

"Eh, works for me." Rasu shrugged.

"…I'm happy with it…" Tsuku nodded.

"Alright! I'm restarting the scenario!" Susanoo hit the Play button…

* * *

"Damn…" Naruto was shocked. Since when was Hinata so… ruthless wasn't the right word, but there was an edge to these actions of hers that were certainly without ruth. "Is the Kiri girl okay?"

"I don't know." Kakashi shrugged. "Last I heard, she was being rushed straight into the operating room hours ago. I haven't heard about her since, so I don't know if she's died from those injuries or not. From what I saw, though, she looked pretty dead before those medics even touched her."

"Wow…" Naruto breathed. The Hinata he knew wouldn't even dream of killing somebody, ironically, by accident or otherwise. What the hell happened to his shy little girlfriend?

"You need a moment?" Kakashi asked.

"No… no, I'm good. Just… just a little surprised, is all." Naruto straightened up in the bed, feeling better than he had when Kakashi first came in. "so, what happened next?"

"Well, the next battle was Shikamaru against the Suna girl, Temari. It went on for hours, so I'll save you the play-by-play and sum it up: Shikamaru played the girl like a shamisen, getting her backed into a corner after fighting three steps ahead of her the entire battle, but surrendered at the critical moment because he was out of chakra."

"Whaaaat." Naruto drawled, though inwardly, he was happy for that little bit of consistency. "You don't give up when you've got the enemy by the short hairs. You take them out!"

"Well, not necessarily." Kakashi admonished. "Chuunin are leaders of their fellow ninja, and as such, they need to be prepared to plan ahead logistically and in prioritization. If taking a loss means you gain something of much greater value, you've got to take the loss."

"I don't get it."

"Take for example an escort mission, where you are jumped by five assassins. You go charging in and engage the strongest assassin present. You fight and win against him in a mind-blowingly amazing battle, but as you turn around, you realize that you committed all your resources – all your attention, to one thing. You might have beaten their leader, but the other four snuck past you and killed your client. Your mission is a failure, because you didn't prioritize the client over the glory."

"Oh…" it made sense, actually. He'd always been told by everyone (except Kakashi, of course) that the mission took priority over everything. He'd hated the idea that you had to allow yourself to lose with a singular passion, but hearing it described like this… it was rather enlightening.

"The rest of the Jounin were impressed with him." Kakashi nodded. "So I wouldn't be surprised if the Hokage was impressed as well. And since the exam isn't about winning all the battles, but about impressing the judges…"

"He probably just got a Chuunin promotion." Naruto finished. He already knew that Shikamaru got promoted, but this new info had him thinking he'd actually earned it. "So, the next battle?"

"Everybody got up for a stretch break because of the last match being cancelled, so I came to check up on you." Kakashi stood. "If you think you're up to it, I can take you out for Chouji and Gaara."

Naruto's blood ran cold. "What? But… what about Sasuke and that Dosu guy? Isn't that the next match?"

"You didn't know?" Kakashi asked. "They found Dosu during the month of training. He was murdered."

_'Here too…'_ Naruto was chilled. The fact that Dosu was dead here meant that Gaara was just as much a murderous psychopath here as he was in the past. "Yeah, I need to be here to see this battle." Naruto slid out of bed, biting back his shriek at the cold floors.

Kakashi held back on the question on his lips and handed Naruto his boots. "Come on. It should be starting."

"Chouji!" Naruto shouted as the portly boy made his way to the arena. Kiba clapped Naruto on the shoulder, his face serious.

"Glad to see you're up, Naruto." He said without a hint of mirth. "A lot of people were worried about you." he stared down into the arena, where the Akimichi stood stiffly. "Don't worry. I gave him the same warning you gave me: don't hold back, hit him with everything you've got right away, and if he gets hold of you or has you blocked in, swallow your pride and surrender immediately."

"T-Thank you." Naruto nodded, surprised. Kiba looked Naruto in the eye.

"I wasn't about to send a friend into the ring with that guy without telling him what he was up against." He rubbed Akamaru, and the dog whined nervously. "If you hadn't told us that when we fought him, Akamaru and I would be dead right now because we wouldn't have realized that pride give way to survival. I won't forget that, you know. And I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't give him the same chance I had."

"Thanks…"

"No problem, man…" the two turned to the arena, and watched.

"I'm… I'm not going to hold back." Chouji cracked his knuckles. "I hope you know that right now."

"…"

"…Begin!" Genma chopped downwards, and Chouji leapt backwards, just in time to dodge a swipe from his sand. The dust about Gaara swirled in a vaguely spherical shape, almost taunting the boy with his impenetrable defense.

Chouji swallowed thickly. "Y-you're going to regret coming to face me!" he stammered. Anybody who knew him could tell the uncharacteristic tough-talk was not coming easily to him. "Baika no Jutsu!" the boy exploded outward. "Nikudan Sensha!" his limbs sank inward, and the boy began spinning.

Gaara remained unfazed.

"RAAAAAH!" the meat tank roared forward, smashing against the shifting wall of sand mightily. Gaara clenched his hand, and the wall became a ramp, flinging Chouji high into the air behind him.

BOUNCE! BOUNCE! Chouji flopped back to normal and stared at the wall of sand. Gaara glared hatefully at the pudgy boy.

"Is that it?" he hissed.

"N-not even close!" Chouji shouted. He plucked a pill from his shirt and quickly swallowed it. A brief burst of glowing chakra followed. "I'm just getting started! BAIKA NO JUTSU!" Expand. "NIKUDAN SENSHA!" Roar, smash.

"Pathetic." Gaara growled. The ramp of sand flung him directly into the air, and the sand followed him upward.

"Chouji!" Naruto shouted.

"Not yet!" the Akamichi shouted as he suddenly shrank. "Bubun Baika no Jutsu!" Chouji's arms suddenly grew to monstrous proportions.

"What the?" Naruto exclaimed.

"RAAAH!" Chouji spun in the air, fists clutched together extended out in front of him. Gaara gasped and flung his hands up, forming a wall, but the Giant-sized hands would not be stopped. The wall itself may have held together, but its grip on the ground did not. Gaara's own defense turned against him as the wall, propelled by Chouji's fists, smashed straight into Gaara, flinging him painfully into the opposite arena wall.

Silence.

Chouji landed heavily. "Hah… Hah…!" he panted, shaking his arms. "That still takes a lot of energy…" he stood and pointed at where Gaara landed. "Your sand might be impenetrable, but what if someone doesn't want to penetrate! What if they want it to MOVE?" he panted again. "Sand isn't like stone or steel! It can't hold its ground against pure brute force! It'll just shift out of the way!"

"Haaaaa…" an eerie voice floated out. Naruto's eyes widened.

'Oh, shit! It's coming!'

**"Assuming the position!" **Kyuubi flipped about in his cage and bent over, asscheeks spread. Naruto was both too worried about the invasion, and too disgusted from seeing what man was not meant to see, to allow himself to fall to the ground laughing uncontrollably.

"Hahahahaahaaaaaaa…!" Gaara cackled madly, clutching his head as blood streamed through his fingers. "Blood… THIS IS MY BLOOOOOOOOD!" he screamed. The dervishes about him tripled, cocooning him in sand.

The feathers began to fall.

**"WASTE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS!"**

"HAAAA!" Naruto roared, Kyuubi chakra exploding outward around him. The mighty pulse blasted away the feathers all about them, leaving everybody wide awake to see the sound and sand leaping out of the woodworks, armed and ready for blood. "CHOUJI, GET OUT OF THERE! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!" Naruto screamed.

"What!" the Akamichi shouted, before dodging a massive swipe from a tanuki-like paw.

"BLOOD!" Gaara screamed, beginning to coalesce. "GIVE ME YOUR BLOOD!" Temari and Kankuro were suddenly by him, grabbing him by the arms and spiriting him away.

"Naruto, what's going on!" Kiba shouted, with the able-bodied of the Konoha 9 gathering around.

"We're under attack! The sand and sound have joined forces to destroy us!" Naruto leapt up and roundhouse-kicked a charging sound-nin in the face. "We need to man up and defend Konoha now!" SHNK! One of Naruto's kunai sank into the man's skull.

"Oh my god!" Ino shouted. "You killed him!"

"Just like he was going to kill me, or like he was going to kill all of us!" Naruto shouted as he pulled out the bloody kunai. "We're at war now, and we can save our morality when there aren't innocents in the crossfire!" he stood up, pointing at the Genin. "Kiba, run to the infirmary and find anybody in there that isn't badly hurt. I know for a fact Lee is just about to be cleared. Ino, Sakura, Chouji, help keep civilians under control. Work with anybody you can find to get them to a safe place!"

"And what do you intend on doing?" said a voice behind him. Naruto whirled about to see Kakashi standing there, completely unharmed.

"I was going to take Hinata and Shikamaru to track down Gaara. Knowing what he is, I can't let him run around freely." Naruto declared with certainty. Kakashi nodded, impressed.

"You have a good point there. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." He glanced up to see all of the Genin standing still. "Well, you heard him. Chop chop!" with a start, the four with orders ran off.

"Kakashi-san, do you have anything that could help us track them down?" Shikamaru asked. The Cyclops nodded.

"Yeah, I've got a few tricks that could help." Bite, signs flashing. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

POOF!

"What's up?" Pakkun poofed into existence.

"…A dog?" Shikamaru deadpanned.

"We need you to track someone. He should smell of sand and blood." Kakashi explained.

"Why is it a dog?"

"Yeah, I think I can do that." Pakkun sniffed the air for a moment, before pointing to the edge of the village. "He ran into the forest that way. He's got somebody that smells of oil and poison, and another that smells like paper and mint shampoo."

"Am I seriously supposed to work with a DOG?" Shikamaru whined. Pakkun turned and held out a limb.

"Hey, if you stop complaining and complete this mission, I'll let you touch my cute little paw, alright?" he waggled the pink pad around. "It's still soft and squishy like a puppy, you know."

"…"

"Shika, just go with it." Naruto sighed. "We need to get going, otherwise we'll lose them, and who knows what Gaara is capable of right now."

"Yeah, yeah…" despite his grumbling, Shikamaru seemed more than ready to go.

"In that case, we should move quickly, Naruto-kun." Hinata declared. Naruto couldn't agree more.

"**Fleshbag!" **Kyuubi suddenly spoke up.

'What?"

"**Down on the arena floor." **Naruto's eyes were drawn to where the fox was suggesting. **"A little sump'n-sump'n to make things interesting."**

'That's…' Naruto leapt down to the floor and walked towards the scorched pile of earth. With a slight tug, Mitsuhide's now-cursed sword was pulsing in his hand.

"**Oooooh… that's nice." **Kyuubi growled.

**FLASH! **The blade yanked out of Naruto's hands and began to float in the air. "An item?" Naruto said quizzically.

**Weapon Acquired: Mitsuhide's Katana (Cursed)!**

**Item is currently equippable! Would you like to Equip?**

**YES NO**

'Sure, sure, whatever! We need to go!' Naruto punched the YES, and with a flash, the blade was belted to his side, sheath and all. "Where did the sheath come from?"

The world resumed.

"Naruto, what are you- LOOK OUT!" Shikamaru shouted. Without thinking, Naruto whipped the blade out sheath and everything. Half the blade was still inside its protection, ('how the heck do samurai do this so easily?') but that half-a-blade was more than enough to lop off the kunai-gripping hand of the sound ninja getting the drop on him.

"AAAAAAAAH!" the man screamed.

"How did-?" Naruto began. 'How did it cut it off so easily? There's muscle and bone and all that shit in the way, but there was no resistance at all! It felt like cutting butter!'

"**My chakra infused into the blade may or may not have had something to do with it. Human bodies generally reject anything tainted by demonic forces rather… VIOLENTLY." **the Kyuubi said, sounding rather smug. **"But if that's the case, then the best part is yet to come."**

"Wha-?"

FWOOSH!

"OOH MY GOOOOOOOD!" the sound ninja shrieked as his hand stump burst into flames.

"**Like I said, the human body rejects demonic forces… for a VERY good reason."**

"…" Naruto couldn't stand the man's agony, and so beheaded him much like he had Mitsuhide. The head and the neck both began burning seconds later. "That… is extremely gruesome. And cruel."

"**Pffft! You humans and your weak constitutions! That was the best taste of home I've had in a LONG time!" **the fox scoffed. **"If you don't like it, don't use it. It's not like anybody can steal it, what with the explody—hands things going on for anybody other than you."**

"We're going to have a LONG talk about what's acceptable in human culture in the future, fuzz-butt." Naruto gestured to the two Genin still in the stands. "Let's go!"

* * *

Meanwhile, In the Hyperbolic Time Chamber…

* * *

"So you're mad enough to even attempt this…" Sarutobi glared at Orochimaru, his eyes a mixture of hatred and regret.

"Mad?" Orochimaru laughed. "Is that what you call me? Am I mad? Or am I the one that sees clear, and this entire village went mad to reject me?" he slumped down, chuckling. "Kukukukukuku… I sounded like something out of a paperback novel… never mind. Should we find out who is right and who is wrong, Sarutobi-sensei?"

"I am feeling distinctly like a third wheel right now." Yagura stated, arms crossed and standing to the side. Orochimaru straightened up and sent the Mizukage an apologetic glance.

"I'm deeply sorry you got caught in the trap, Mizukage-san. I had not anticipated you coming to this exam, due to your relationship with the world. Know that my quarrel is not with you." Orochimaru said with a hand gesture.

"Then let me out." The boy growled. "Let me out of this Jutsu, NOW."

"My sincere apologies, Mizukage-san, but I cannot. If I did that, the ANBU waiting outside the barrier," The snake Sannin gestured to the aforementioned ninja, "will have the opportunity to aid the Hokage. I cannot allow that." He shrugged unhappily. "If you like, you can avoid conflict in one of the corners of the barrier."

"Help me, Mizukage-san! We can defeat him together!" Sarutobi shouted.

"Enough!" Orochimaru hissed, flashing through seals. "Katon: Karyu Endan!" he inhaled deeply, and exhaled white-hot flames.

"NO!" Sarutobi shouted, unable to react in time. The flames raced forward…

"Suiton: Mizukagami." As if by magic, a second white-hot stream of flame raced out and met Orochimaru's attack head on. The two fought for dominance, before Orochimaru cut the flames. With eerie synchronization, the flames died.

"Mizukage-san…" Sarutobi exhaled, relieved.

"Mizukagami." Orochimaru growled. "The technique that takes any attack, whether it be Nin, Gen or Taijutsu, and reflects it back on the aggressor. A truly powerful defense… one that I have yet to decipher."

"…" the concave dome of water collapsed into puddles, revealing the Mizukage discarding his Kage vestments. Now revealing his childlike appearance, he settled into a stance alongside Sarutobi.

"So this is the side you take." Orochimaru sighed. "I truly thought we were the same, Mizukage-san."

"…"

"… or DID you take his side, Mizukage-san?" Orochimaru suddenly grinned widely, finding something intensely amusing. "Well, well! How very… insidious of you, sensei. Or do you even know?"

"Silence!" Sarutobi shouted.

"KUKUKAKAKAKA!" Orochimaru cackled uproariously. "You don't know! You don't know! KAKAKAKAKA!" the snake Sannin grinned. "Well, then, if we're allowed to have THOSE kinds of allies, then why don't I get some of my own?" he began a set of seals… ones that Sarutobi immediately recognized.

"Orochimaru, NO!"

"Kuchiyose: Edo Tensei!"

* * *

Pakkun raised his snout to the wind and sniffed. "Looks like we've got some pursuers."

"What?" Naruto responded mid-leap. The four ground to a halt on a nearby tree limb. "Can you tell who they are?"

"No… but they don't smell like dry wind, so I'm guessing they're sound ninja." Pakkun took another long sniff. "I'm guessing maybe half a dozen of them, maybe a little more." Naruto groaned loudly.

"We can't take on all of them and still keep track of Gaara!"

"Mendokuse…" Shikamaru groaned. "I'll do it."

"Shikamaru-san?" Hinata spoke, surprised.

"I'll take care of them. You two keep following Gaara." Shikamaru began slowly counting out explosive tags and kunai.

"…" Naruto bit his lip, before flashing through five seals. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu: Gamaboko!"

"… Fish Sausage?" was all Shikamaru was able to say before the tree exploded in smoke. "WAAAH!"

"Yeah?" a toad the size of a small shanty was sitting on the branch, a battleaxe bigger than Naruto strapped to his back over sheets of steel plate armor. "You must be that Naruto kid everybody's been yappin' about. Good to meetcha at last."

"Same here." Naruto nodded. "So, we've got a group of six sound-nin coming up on us from behind. You stay here with Shikamaru and make sure they don't catch up to us. Do anything and everything Shika tells you to do, because he's the best tactician I know."

"Sure, sure, I get ya." Gamaboko ribbited. "Put these sonsabitches down before they catch up. My kinda summoning job. I like you already, kid."

"Thanks." Naruto turned to Shikamaru. "This good enough for you, or should I leave a Kage Bunshin with you too?"

"I wouldn't turn down extra help…" said Shikamaru, sounding extremely relieved.

POOF!

"Don't worry, boss." Said the Bunshin. "We've got this covered. You go hunt down sandy claws."

"Right. Come on, Hinata." The two leapt off, leaving the three behind.

"I didn't know you could summon toads." Said Shikamaru. "Isn't that Jiraiya the Sannin's summon?"

"Yeah, it is." The clone nodded. "I'm his apprentice."

"You're apprenticed to a Sannin…? Mendokuse…"

"Are you sure Shikamaru-san will be alright, Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked as they continued leaping.

"When he's invested in the problem, Shikamaru is dead brilliant. It's only when he doesn't care that he's lazy. You know that, Hinata-Chan." Naruto spoke without missing a branch. "Frankly, I'm wondering if Gamaboko wasn't a little too overkill. He'd probably make it perfectly with just the shadow clone."

"You may be right…" she murmured.

Pakkun suddenly ground to a halt. "We're catching up to the sand guy…" he began scratching his ears as dogs are wont to do. "But the poison-and-oil-smelling guy just broke off and is headed this way."

"Shit. That'd be the puppet guy, whatshisname…" Naruto began.

"It's Kankuro, Naruto-kun." Hinata offered.

"Kankuro! That's it, Kankuro! Like canker sore!" Naruto nodded. "Thanks, Hinata-Chan."

"Should I take care of him, Naruto-kun?" Hinata's eyes pulsed.

"You think you can take him?" Naruto looked at her askance.

"I was able to defeat Kagero, Naruto-kun. Fending off the attempts of a Genin puppeteer is well within my strength." Hinata softly kissed Naruto's cheek. "You go on ahead, Naruto-kun."

"Ah… bwah…" Naruto stammered. _'What the heck? She wasn't even fazed by kissing me? Now I know something's wrong!'_ he looked forward, into the forest. 'Then again, I don't really have the luxury to stop and question her newfound skill and confidence…'

"Alright…" Naruto clenched her hand. "Just, don't get cocky, alright? Cocky people don't expect the unexpected, and they end up dead."

"I understand, Naruto-kun." Hinata nodded demurely. "I would not want to do something that would make you sad… and we haven't scheduled our next date."

"I- huh?"

"What would you say to meeting in the central square, tomorrow?" Hinata looked up at him with her pale eyes, and Naruto couldn't help but be dragged along.

"Uh, um, meet at 2?"

"Excellent. I'll meet you there." Hinata yanked the poor boy down for a full-on kiss that lingered quite a bit longer than anything they'd ever done before. When she released him, Naruto was dazed, confused and sporting a face-splitting grin. "Time for you to go, Naruto-kun."

"I, ah, um, yes! Go! Go, yes, that I have to, go, now!" Naruto began running… and slammed face-first into a tree trunk. "DAGH! Augh! Okay, awake now! I'm going now!"

"… Hehe." Hinata giggled as she stood there, waiting for the interloper. She didn't have to wait long, as Kankuro leapt into view.

"I thought there would be people after us," the puppeteer began, tugging at the bundle on his back, "but I figured there would be more than just one. Where are the rest of you?"

"There is nobody else. The others stayed behind to try and hold off an ambush by Oto." Hinata murmured. Kankuro grinned.

"You're a pretty good liar. But I don't believe you, Hyuuga. Tell me where the others are, and I won't have to hurt you… too much." SWICK! Karasu was exposed, fully repaired from Shino's bug attack.

"I wonder if you can." Hinata murmured.

"Ha!" Kankuro smirked. "Your gentle fist doesn't work on puppets! There's no chakra points OR organs to attack! I'm your perfect enemy!"

"We will see, won't we?"

* * *

"Kuchiyose: Edo Tensei!"

"NO!" Sarutobi screamed as the coffins rose from the ground. With a speed unlike anything that had been previously seen, shuriken and Kunai flew out of his hands and into the coffin labeled 'Four'. The coffin shuddered, and then slowly sank back into the ground, turning into ash as it went.

Orochimaru laughed. "So, you managed to take care of the worst of my little secret weapons. But you still have two others to deal with, sensei!" 'One' and 'Two' creaked open, revealing Hashirama and Tobirama Senju.

"Senseis…" Sarutobi whispered dazedly.

"Aaaaaaagh…" Hashirama yawned as he stepped out into the world. "Where am I?" he looked up and saw Sarutobi. "Sarutobi? Is that you? Man, you've gotten old! What happened to you?" the first Hokage laughed.

"Oh, dammit…" Tobirama grumbled as he followed his older brother. "This is Edo Tensei, isn't it? I'm feeling pretty hollow right now, and I don't have a heartbeat."

"Are you kidding me? So we're zombies right now?" Hashirama cursed loudly. "Dammit, Tobi, this is EXACTLY why I told you not to write that Jutsu down! When you create techniques like this, you have to take to the grave!" he smiled apologetically to Sarutobi. "Sorry, Little Saru. Looks like we might have to fight now."

"I am sorry as well, Sensei." Sarutobi nodded.

"Say, who's the kid with you?" Hashirama pointed at Yagura. "He looks familiar."

"That boy is the Mizukage. His body has not aged with him due to his being a Jinchuuriki." Sarutobi explained. Yagura simply stared at them, unmoving.

"Really? He's from Mizu?" Hashirama stared at Yagura, frowning. "Tobi! Didn't you get a letter way back when from that girl in Mizu about you having a kid?"

"Yeah… I think I remember that." Tobirama nodded, peering at Yagura. "The kid was a girl, though. He does kinda look like her, so maybe this is her kid?"

"While this is incredibly fascinating," Orochimaru said as he stepped up behind both the two Hokage, "and knowing you have a grandson is very useful to my plans, I believe you two have a job to do?" STNK! Two kunai sank into the backs of their skulls.

"Beware, Mizukage-san!" Sarutobi shouted. "We can fight them, but only if we work together!"

"…" Yagura was silent, before sucking in a sharp breath. "I'm back… I'm finally back…!"

"Mizukage-san?"

"Nothing, nothing. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time." the boy slid his staff from his back. "Come on then, old man. Let's show these two a lesson!

* * *

"BLOOOOOOD!" Gaara screamed wildly as Temari continued to drag the boy away. "MOTHER WANTS HIS BLOOOOOOD!"

"Gaara, please!" Temari pleaded. "We need to go! It's not time for you to-"

"YOU!" Gaara screeched and ripped himself out of his sister's hands. Naruto smirked.

"Why hello there! You wouldn't happen to be looking for me, would you, Mister Tanuki?"

"YOU!" Temari whipped out her fan and smashed a whorl of wind at Naruto's face. The boy simply leapt straight up into another branch. "You stay away, or else-"

"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!" Gaara screamed. Temari nearly shrieked herself as she jumped away in fear. Half-cocooned in sand, the Suna boy panted wildly, staring Naruto in the eyes. "Mother… Mother wants you!"

"Well, here I am, Mister Tanuki." Spreading his arms wide, he cocked his head to the side. "So, does your mother have anything intelligent to say to me, or is she telling you to tear me limb from limb as usual?"

"RAAAAH!" the sand-golem's hand lashed out, smashing into the branch Naruto was standing on not a second before.

"I suppose that answers my questions." The blonde snarked as he landed safely on another branch.

"Why…?" Gaara glared hatefully at Naruto. "Why are you able to smile? Why are you HAPPY?"

Silence.

"Because I have people that are important to Me." declared Naruto. "They might be assholes, they might be stupid, and if I don't take a heavy hand in their lives, they might turn around and try to kill me because of some manipulative bastards, but at the end of the day…" he thumbed his chest. "At the end of the day, they are the people that I can, have, and WILL die for!"

"You…!" Gaara growled, his entire upper torso becoming more and more monstrous. "SUNA SHURIKEN!"

"Fuuton: Reppusho!" the blast of wind not only disintegrated the attack, but sent Gaara tumbling into the air. A leap and an axe-kick sent the Jinchuuriki slamming into the ground.

"I know that your life has been complete shit; how could it NOT be, with the burden you carry?" Naruto exclaimed. "But you're BETTER than that, Gaara! I know it!"

"SHUT UUUUUP!" Gaara roared from inside his crater; the boy was completely incased in sand now.

"Gaara, you're stronger than her! You can fight off- GAH!" the suddenly-there sand arm nearly took Naruto's head off. With a flick of movement, Mitsuhide's sword was in the blonde's hand. "You're stronger than your monster! Fight it off!" he yelled.

"MOTHER IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CARES ABOUT ME!" Gaara howled as he leapt back into the treeline, almost completely transformed. "Only those who fight for themselves are strong! All of you are WEAK!"

"Alone, you may be strong…!" Naruto shouted, wrapping an explosive tag to a kunai, "but it's only when you are fighting for someone else that you have determination! When you fight for others, their spirits protect you! When you fight for others, you're not afraid to die!"

"I'LL PROVE YOUR DETERMINATION WRONG!" Gaara roared, smacking Naruto to the ground.

"Heh…! Good hit…" Naruto spat, wiping away blood. "But exactly what I wanted. Doton: Yomi Numa!"

SLAM! A massive swamp exploded out from his palms, encompassing their entire battlefield. Quick as lightning, Naruto was back among the trees and forming another seal. "KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!" hordes of clones spawned, all swarming at Gaara.

"MUGENSAJIN DAITOPPA!" mouths appeared all across the Tanuki's body and blew their blasted desert winds, disintegrating hordes of clones. But more kept coming, until one reached the Tanuki's branch and swung Mitsuhide's sword across the breadth of its body. "GAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Whoa." Naruto muttered, shocked. The sand making up Gaara's body in that slash suddenly became glass, freezing Gaara's arm in place. The clone, seeing an opportunity, spun into a shattering roundhouse kick. Armless and screaming in pain, Gaara fell into the swamp.

Naruto watched him slam heavily into the mud, watched it soak into the Tanuki's pores and clog the sand into messy clots. The sand demon's body was clotting together. Naruto fell to his side, holding the sword in front of him. With a slash, Gaara's other sand-arm was turned into glass; with another kick, it too shattered.

"AAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"Let me talk to mother, Gaara." Naruto declared.

"MOTHER DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!" Gaara bellowed.

"Oh really?" in an instant, Naruto was crouched to the Jinchuuriki's side, the glowing blade held to Gaara's throat. "Tough. She'd better feel like talking now."

"Gaara!" Temari screamed, terrified as she whipped out her fan to attack. "You bastard!"

"Don't interfere!" Naruto shouted, holding up a hand. "Otherwise your brother will be hurt much more than he already is!"

"You…!" Gaara hissed.

"Go to sleep, Gaara." Naruto commanded. "Let me talk to mother."

Limbs missing their sandy coating, body exhausted and empty of chakra, and with a blade held to his throat, Gaara did the only thing that he could: he fell asleep. "Tanuki Neiri no Jutsu..." he whispered, and closed his eyes…

Before whipping them open again, struggling wildly. **"GRAAAAAGH! LET ME GO, YOU LITTLE MEATSACK! I'LL BLAST THE MEAT FROM YOUR FACE!"**

"You don't get to do ANYTHING without my say-so, Tanuki." Naruto growled, pushing the demonic sword into Shukaku's neck. "Try and grow into your full form and this sword will be pushed straight into Gaara's throat. You saw what this blade does to your body; just imagine what it'll do to the fleshy little brat you call a host."

Shukaku shivered angrily. **"YOU LITTLE SHIT…! WHERE DO YOU GET OFF ORDERING A BIJUU AROUND? I CAN TEAR YOU APART PIECE BY PIECE WITH BARELY A THOUGHT!" **

"If you do, then I can melt your bones into a burning pile of slag." Naruto pulled on a bit of Kyuubi's chakra, enough to turn his eyes a blazing red. **"I am stronger than you in every way. It is only by my good graces that you are still able to spit your bravado in my face."**

"**HAH…!" **Shukaku laughed, trying to play off the nervousness that Naruto could see creeping into its eyes. **"IF YOU WERE TRULY THE KYUUBI, YOU WOULD NOT EVEN KNOW THE MEANING OF MERCY! YOU ARE A PRETENDER!"**

"**The fear in your eyes says you think otherwise." **Naruto hissed. **"You know the power that I command; you know the Kyuubi's opinions on slaughter. Now, which do you want to know now; his anger, or my MERCY?"**

"**GRAAAAAAH! I'LL KILL YOU!" **the beast roared.

"**So, you want to die." **The blade began to push through sand. The sand began to turn to glass…

"**NOOOOOO!" **Shukaku screamed. Naruto stopped pushing, and smirked.

"**Your cowardice gives you away, Tanuki."**

"**DAMN YOU AND YOUR LITTLE SHITSTAIN FOX!"**

"**You are going to all**ow Gaara his own mind." Naruto commanded at the demon's gravelly bass crept out of his larynx. "You will let him live without you devouring his mind at every turn. You will not order him to slaughter anybody who attempts to become close to him. You will let him SLEEP."

"**I WILL FEAST ON YOUR BONES IN THE FIRES OF HELL!"**

"You will do all of this, and I'll know if you don't, because Kyuubi is going to be watching you now." Naruto grabbed Shukaku's head and began pumping Kyuubi's chakra into his skull. The sand demon began an inhuman scream. 'You got that psychic link now?'

"**Dammit, that means I'm gonna have to listen to this little psychopath's ravings." **Kyuubi growled. **"You little fucker, where the hell do you get off making me be a babysitter to this kid?"**

'Have you got the psychic link or not?'

"**Yeah, yeah, I've got it. I'm swimming around in this kid's chakra now, boxing in the Shukaku to his little corner."**

'Good.' Naruto let go of Shukaku's head. "I bet you know what I just did. If you try to influence Gaara in any way other than protecting him, I will know. And Kyuubi will be the one to devour YOU."

"**FUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!" **Shukaku screamed, clearly in pain.

"Now go back to sleep, Shukaku. It's time for Gaara to wake up."

THWACK!

"GAH!" Gaara gasped, jerking awake. Naruto grinned, standing from the mud and sheathing his sword.

"Hey, Gaara. How are you feeling?"

"Gaara!" Temari screamed, racing down to Gaara's side.

"Wha… what did you do to me?" Gaara rasped.

"I made Mother go to sleep." Naruto smiled. "You're alone in your head, for now."

"Gaara! Are you okay?" Temari grabbed Gaara's muddy hand, holding it to her chest.

"Te-Temari…" Gaara panted. "You're so warm…"

"That's the warmth of family love, Gaara." Naruto knelt down in the mud to Gaara's level. "I never knew my family, so I wouldn't know what it feels like… but I had friends to pull me through the tough times, and I think it kinda feels like that." Naruto took Gaara's other hand. "That feeling that fills you up from the bottom up, makes all the pains go away, and makes you think that as long as you have them, no matter how bad things become, things will eventually turn out all right…"

"I… this feeling… this is what love feels like?" Gaara said softly, awestruck. With a kind of reverence, his pulled Temari's hand to his face and began to slowly rub his cheek against it. With her free hand, Temari began to stroke Gaara's hair. The boy, ever so slowly, began to sob.

"You… what did you do to him? He's…" Temari whispered. "He's so vulnerable… it's like he's a child again…"

"I made it so he's the only one in his head." Naruto clenched Gaara's hand tightly as the boy cried. "The Shukaku is afraid of me and the power I wield, so I put a piece of that power into his body. Now's it's acting like a really mean guard dog for Gaara's sanity."

"You…" Temari looked down at the sobbing Gaara. "Then, Gaara…"

"Might be able to have his first good night's sleep he's ever had in his life." Naruto smiled. "I owe him that much…"

"Why… why would you do this for someone who was trying to kill you?" Temari protested, confusion reigning on her face.

"Because I know what it's like to live what he's gone through." Naruto took his free hand and held Temari's free hand. "Because I know what he's gone through, I know that he has the potential to be one of the greatest examples of humanity possible… if he's given something to care about. If he has someone he loves, he will be the greatest protector they will ever know. If someone teaches him how to love…" Naruto squeezed both Temari and Gaara's hands.

"If someone teaches him how to love, his love will be greater than the world has ever known."

"Your hands…" Gaara sobbed. "Why are they so warm…? Why do they feel so good…?"

"… It's because these hands love you, Gaara." Temari smiled weakly. "They… they really do love you…" the sandy girl looked over to Naruto, giggling softly. "They love you…"

"**Well, hell!" **Kyuubi laughed. **"For a sack of shit, you're getting real smooth with the ladies! I bet that if- HIT THE DECK!"**

Naruto didn't hesitate for a minute, tackling Temari to the mud. Kubikiriboucho swung through the air where her head been not a second before, slicing through trees and boulders like butter before arcing back into its owner's hands.

"Zabuza?" Naruto exclaimed.

"Zabuza? One of the Seven Swordsmen?" Temari echoed incredulously. The Demon of the Hidden Mist stood there, staring hatefully at the trio.

"Zabuza, what the hell?" Naruto shouted. "Why'd you do a dumbass move like that! Didn't you see we were here?" Naruto looked around, noting something odd. "And where's Haku? You don't go anywhere without her!"

"…Gaaaaaaraaaaa…" Zabuza hissed.

"**Fleshbag, something's wrong." **Kyuubi growled. **"The butcher is off. And that feeling I'm getting off him…"**

"Zabuza?" Naruto bit his lip. There WAS something off about Zabuza. That slouch, that bestial panting… that blanketing hatred in the air. "Zabuza, are you okay?"

"Gaaaara Gaaaara Gaara Gaara GAARAGAARAGAARA!" Zabuza screeched as he raced forward, wildly slicing with Kubikiriboucho as if it were a flyswatter.

"OH SHIT!" Naruto shoved Temari from the attack, only barely getting Mitsuhide's sword in front of his face before the massive cleaver slammed down on him. "GAAAH!"

"GAARAGAARAGAARAGAARAGAARA!" Zabuza screamed, eyes bloodshot and completely insensate.

"**FLESHBAG!" **Kyuubi roared. **"The same guy that's controlling Yagura right now is controlling this guy too! He's radiating the same chakra!"**

'What?' Naruto's guard slipped at the stunning information; it was all Zabuza needed, as a fist swung into the blonde's gut and sent him flying into a tree trunk. He raised the sword high over his head, ready to gut the still-confused Ichibi host.

"DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!"

"NO!" Temari roared, whipping out her battle fan and slashing it at Zabuza; the man was sent flying through the air. Temari rushed to her brother's side. "Gaara, we need to get out of here!"

"What…?" Gaara mumbled, looking around dazedly.

"Urgh…" Naruto groaned as he picked himself up. "Zabuza's freakishly strong now… damn, feels like that punch cracked a rib…."

"**He's a lot faster, too. But there's no way regular Zabuza wouldn't have been able to dodge such a telegraphed attack like that wind blast, from a Genin no less." **Kyuubi interjected. **"His reflexes are dulled, a lot. If you can keep from getting hit, you might be able to take him down."**

"Right…!" Naruto nodded. "Temari!"

"Yeah?"

"Find a safe place to put Gaara, and then get back here! I'm going to need help!" with a blast of chakra (some of it being the Kyuubi's, as Naruto was running low), the clearing was full of Naruto.

"GAARAGAARAGAARAGAARAAAAAAA!" the man howled like a mad dog, swinging wildly; dozens of clones were taken down within seconds.

"Fight smarter, you idiots!" Naruto shouted. "Don't fight him head-on, use range!"

"Boss!" one of the clones shouted as Zabuza rampaged about. "He's got some freaky-ass plant growing on the back of his neck!"

"A PLANT?" Naruto exclaimed; half a dozen new memories flooded his brain to tell him yes, there was what appeared to be a tiny pitch-black tree growing from the base of his skull.

BOOM!

"GAAAAAAH!" Zabuza roared; a lucky clone that hit the ground around him with an exploding kunai was summarily hacked to bits. But the damage was done. His skin was exposed to the horde of Naruto.

"HOLY SHIT!"

The plant had thorns; specifically, thorns that crept across the expanse of chiseled muscle that was Zabuza, goring themselves into every limb and pulsed like some kind of unholy parasitic heartbeat. With every twitch of the Demon's body, the thorns pulled and pushed the man like a fleshy marionette.

"GAARAGAARAAAAAA!" Zabuza screamed, racing forward and hacking even more clones into smoke.

"That… that… thing is…!" Naruto nearly wanted to retch.

"**That thing's working Zabuza like a puppet." **The fox hissed. **"That's why he's so much stronger; it's ignoring his muscles entirely. If it's like that, then even if he's punched full of holes until he's dead, that plant will still keep him attacking… What in the flying fuck…?"**

"So, he won't stop trying to kill Gaara until we destroy that plant on his neck?"

"**Probably."**

"GAAAAAARAAAAA!" Zabuza raised his arm, sprouting the bloody thorns outward like a demonic chia pet. With a flex, they all shot like a cannon, puncturing through almost all of Naruto's clones. A cacophony of POOFs and a cloud of smoke disguised the Jinchuuriki rushing through the smoke.

CLANG! Katana met Cleaver. SWOOSH! Katana leapt over Cleaver's back, striking towards the plant's roots. WHUMP! Cleaver struck Katana with the flat of the blade before the strike could hit home, sending Katana skidding.

"Ungh!" Naruto spat blood. "Dammit, I thought that was clever!"

"**Clever doesn't win battles, dumbass."**

"You tell Shikamaru that."

"HAAAAA!" Temari swung again, distracting the brute once more.

"NOW!" Naruto leapt… and met Kubikiriboucho's edge once more. "DAMMIT!"

"GAARAGAARAGAARA!" Zabuza, with a mighty show of force, swung his blade and sent Naruto flying through the air.

"**Fleshbag…" **

"WHAT?" Naruto snapped. "Now is NOT a good time for your shit!"

"**That bigass sword; it's breaking."**

"What?" Naruto looked again; sure enough, cracks were radiating from the hole in Kubikiriboucho's center. "You're right…"

"**You can't do much more than jump at somebody with the pointy end of that thing right now, but with my chakra making it sharper and stronger, you might not need much more." **said the fox. **"Now, charge the blade with my chakra, all this use is lowering it's effectiveness."**

"What? Charge?" Naruto ran up the trees to avoid Zabuza's strikes; that did nothing but make Zabuza bring down lots of trees.

"**Without a demon sealed in them, inanimate objects are just going to bleed off demonic chakra over time, making the demonic effects they've gained less and less pronounced. If you want that blade working 100 percent right now, you need to channel my power into it."**

"Right." with a deep breath, Youkai began flowing out Naruto's pores; the blade seemed to drink the power like a thirsty man does water. "That's enough?"

"**For now. Now get down there, he's going after Shukaku's hot sister."**

"ZABUZA!" Naruto roared, leaping at the Demon. The man whipped around and swung Kubikirihoucho at the boy;

CLANG!

The hairline cracks grew even bigger.

"YOU LEAVE MY FRIENDS ALONE!" Naruto swung again;

SHNG!

The cracks grew even more.

"GAAAAAAAAAARAAAAAA!" Zabuza screech, pushing Naruto off him.

"One more time!" Naruto growled, panting. "LEAVE MY FRIENDS ALONE!

SHNCRACK!

The blade Kubikiriboucho shattered.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAARAAAAA!" Zabuza roared. With a swing, he threw the broken blade away and punched Naruto straight in the gut.

"AArghhh!" Naruto bellowed, sliding away. "Agh… dammit… that definitely cracked a few ribs… god-dammit…"

"**You finish this now, or we're not walking away, and I'll chew your soul into fine paste if we die here." **

"Right." POOF! A single clone appeared behind him. "Distract him while I do this."

"Got it, boss!" With swift movements, the clone rushed forward. Naruto breathed in slowly.

"Alright… I did this when I was using Kyuubi's chakra. I can do it…" he pulled his hands together, making swirling movements as he did.

"Need to hurry up, boss!" Naru-clone shouted as he ducked a wide right hook.

"Shut up…!" Naruto gritted out. "Almost…!" the blue chakra slowly formed…

And began sucking in air like a wild typhoon.

"FUCK YES!" Naruto roared. "LET'S GO!"

He rushed.

Naru-clone grappled onto Zabuza's limbs.

Zabuza flexed, tearing Naru-clone's limbs off in an explosion of gore before they became smoke.

Naruto leapt, punting Zabuza in the face.

He bent over mid-air, looking directly at the malevolent plant on Zabuza's neck.

"RASENGAN!"

And lunged.

"!" Zabuza screamed in agonizing pain as the plant was shredded into fiber. Like a puppet with his strings cut, the Demon of the Hidden Mist slumped to the ground.

"Zabuza!" Naruto grabbed the man, and with a herculean effort for a small boy with multiple cracked ribs, pulled him onto his back. "Hey… how you feeling…"

"You…!" the man grunted painfully. "You damn brat… that hurt like hell…!"

"Well, how else was I gonna get it off?" Naruto laughed.

"Agh… didn't do shit… in the end…" he wheezed. "I'm still… a dead man…"

"What are you…" it was only then that Naruto saw the blood flowing freely from Zabuza's ears. "Whoa, what, how did you-"

"Nothing you did, kid." Zabuza cut him off. "That damn plant… it's been working me for days… invading every part of me… making me pull shit… human bodies aren't meant to do… at this point… it was the only thing… keeping my brain… from turning to jelly…"

"Whoa, hey, no!" the blonde protested. "I can get you to a doctor! They can fix this, just hold on!"

"What hospital… would treat a missing-nin…?" Zabuza wheezed; his face rags were a splattered red. "Listen, kid… you promise me… one thing…"

"What, no, no promises! Whatever you've got, you do it yourself!" Naruto panicked.

"That fucker… the one who did this to me… the one-eyed man… he took Haku…"

Naruto's blood ran cold.

"He got us… me, Haku and the Mizukage… we were all fighting and he appeared… he did something… to the Mizukage…" Zabuza coughed violently. Naruto quickly undid his wrappings for easier breathing.

"Yeah…?"

"Then, he grabbed me… and his eye got weird… and he said… 'If the Jinchuuriki Gaara… tries to attack Konoha… during the invasion… Protect Konoha's safety… and Kill Gaara…"

Naruto jerked back as if struck. "What…?"

"And that's all… I've been able… to think about ever since… 'Protect Konoha… Kill Gaara…'" Zabuza's blood was pooling around his face; he wasn't long for the world. "Then… his servants… those two masked fuckers… they grabbed Haku… they took her!"

"Zabuza, I know!"

"Promise me…!" Zabuza held up his hand weakly. Naruto took it. "Promise me… you'll protect her for me… PROMISE…!"

"I promise…" Naruto nodded.

Zabuza smiled. "Good… then… one more thing… take my sword… bathe it in my blood… and make sure… that fucking Mizukage doesn't get… his filthy hands on it!"

"Bathe it in…? Are you sure?"

"Yeah… it's a… special sword… you'll see what I mean… Promise you'll keep it… and her… safe…"

Zabuza's hand lost all tension. The Demon of the Hidden Mist was gone. Naruto stood and picked up the hilt of the broken blade.

"I promise." He swept it through the pool of blood. "What did he…" the blade crept upward as cracks along the blade filled in on their own. "It repairs itself by using blood?"

"**I've heard of bloodthirsty blades, but this is ridiculous…" **Kyuubi muttered. **"Obviously some demon out there thinks he's a real riot with this, because something like this is obviously a curse."**

"It's useful, though."

**FLASH!**

"Why am I not surprised?"

**Special Weapon Acquired: Kubikiriboucho! **

**Due To Current Infamy Levels, Item Is Not Equippable!**

"Infamy?" Naruto wondered as the blade disappeared. "Yet another thing that hasn't been explained to me."

"You! You… uh…" Temari shouted. "What's your name again?"

"Naruto." The boy grinned.

"You're not hurt?" she asked.

"Not anything that can't be fixed…" Naruto smiled, pointedly ignoring the trouble he was having breathing.

"Um… we need to leave." She shuffled about awkwardly. "I mean, we're not going to go back to the invasion, but…"

"You know that Orochimaru is playing you, right?" said Naruto.

"What?"

"Orochimaru. The Kazekage's been dead for a long time; Orochimaru's been impersonating him to start this war."

"WHAT?" Temari screamed.

"Yeah…" Naruto looked away. "Sorry you had to find out about your dad like this, but it's the truth; he played you guys for chumps."

"I don't believe it…" Temari glared at Naruto. "How do you know this?"

"It's… not really something you'd believe, otherwise I would've told somebody about it already." Naruto shrugged. "But if you don't believe me, I think Orochimaru dumped his body in the desert near your village; I don't really remember the location." Because, of course, the public statement from Suna didn't say much more than 'we found his corpse near the village'. Temari seemed to believe it, though.

"It would explain how strange he's been…" Temari bit her lip. "If this is true, then we've made a grave mistake."

"Go. Tell your commanding officers to call off the attack." Naruto waved at the smoke rising from the village. "End the fight before more people get hurt."

"Right." Temari picked up the still-confused Gaara and smiled. "I… I don't really know how to thank you for what you've done for my brother…"

"Then don't." he grinned. "Consider it a favor."

"Yeah." And with that, the two leapt off into the trees. Naruto sank to the ground. "agh… well, at least I'm not nearly as beat up as the last time I fought out here… but I need to make sure Jiji's okay… how quickly can I start running, fuzzbutt?"

"**Gimme five minutes and they'll be patched enough to get you to your pathetic village's razing."**

"Right…"

**LONG-TERM QUEST ACCEPTED!**

"Of course The Game gets involved…"

**LONG-TERM QUEST: UNCOVER THE TRUTH OF THE ONE-EYED MAN.**

**LONG-TERM QUEST: UNCOVER THE TRUTH OF THE ONE-EYED MAN NOTES:**

**DURING THE OTO-SUNA INVASION OF KONOHA, ZABUZA, INFECTED WITH SOME SORT OF PARASITIC PUPPETEERING PLANT, ATTACKED GAARA WITH THE INTENT TO KILL ON THE UNWILLING ORDERS OF A ONE-EYED MAN. THE ONE-EYED MAN, THROUGH METHODS UNKNOWN, BRAINWASHED ZABUZA INTO THE ACT, AND AUGMENTED HIM WITH THE CONTROLLING PLANT; THE ONE-EYED MAN ALSO KIDNAPPED HAKU, WHO HAS NOT BEEN SEEN SINCE.**

**ACCORDING TO THE KYUUBI, THE CHAKRA RADIATING FROM THE PLANT MATCHES THE CHAKRA OF THE SECOND MAN CONTROLLING YAGURA; THIS IS FURTHER CORROBORATED BY ZABUZA'S STATEMENT THAT THE MAN AMBUSHED THE THREE OF THEM DURING AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT BY ZABUZA. THIS MEANS THAT THE ONE-EYED MAN NOT ONLY HAS SOME FORM OF CONSIDERABLE MIND-CONTROL ABILITY, BUT ALSO HAS SOME MEASURE OF SENJU MOKUTON ABILITY. **

**ACCORDING TO ZABUZA'S STATEMENT, HAKU WAS TAKEN BY TWO SUBORDINATES WEARING MARKED MASKS; WHAT THESE MARKED MASKS WERE ARE AS OF NOW UNKNOWN, AS ZABUZA PERISHED BEFORE ELABORATION WAS POSSIBLE. THIS DOES MEAN, HOWEVER, THAT THE ONE-EYED MAN HAS SOME FORM OF ORGANIZED RANKS, AND AN UNKNOWN NUMBER OF UNDERLINGS AND ASSOCIATES. **

"Fun… mystery man later, heal now…"

When Naruto reached the stadium, the purple barrier was down, and a dark black plume of smoke rose into the sky. A cold stone sank to the pit of his stomach. "Oh, no… JIJIIII!"

Bounding like a gazelle, he leapt to the roof. The place looked like hell on earth; the third Hokage was lying in the middle of it all, missing his left arm all the way to the shoulder. "No, no, nonononono, not again! Not again!" Naruto scrambled all the way over to the Hokage's body, stripping away his mangled armor haphazardly. "Come on, you're not dead! Not again!"

"…"

"Huh…?" Naruto put a gentle hand to the old man's nose. One, two, three seconds passed before he felt a slight breath from the nostrils. "HE'S ALIVE! HELP! HELP! HE'S ALIVE!"

"**But what the hell happened here…?"**

* * *

To Be Continued in 2012

* * *

And now, a word from the Co-Authors:

HOLY CRAP WE ACTUALLY MET OUR DEADLINE.

_It's a Holiday miracle, by that the Dude and I found the time to get away from our familes to finish this bad boy._

I hope you're all happy with your slightly-late Christmas/ slightly early New Year's present! Because now, we have NO IDEA when the next deadline will be.

_The good news is the draft for the next chapter is nearly finished, but well I have no idea how long it will take us to polish it into gold or at least silver._

Well, in the first draft that we had, this chapter and last chapter were all one gargonzo-sized helping. Seeing as how that was going to take an assload of time to write, we just chunked up the skeleton and gave you the first half of it early. Now, we more or less have to figure out what our game plan is again.

_No we just have to roll with the punches Kishi sends at us so Standard Naruto still represent canon Naruto but with what we call improvements to him. Then we are going to hit the avatars so many ideas so many possibilities._

Yep. But rest assured, people: we're creeping up on that much-awaited point: a new avatar! 'Cue The Price Is Right music'

_Dude don't get their hopes up like that, they'll think the next avatar is coming before its ready._

Yeah, yeah, a guy can be excited, can't he? Points to anybody who can guess the next avata- oh, wait, we haven't introduced it yet. Oops. Okay, MASSIVE points to the person who guesses the next avatar!

_MHX's eyes bulge as he strangles The Dude Simpsons style "Why you little bastard."_

Oh shut up.

Read, Review and all that jazz! This is The Animaniac Dude, _and MHX, _wishing you happy holidays _and a very merry new year!_


	18. Examination Aftermath

This should have been out last month

Majin Hentai X presents Naruto: Game of the Year Edition Chapter 18

I do not own Naruto that is unfortunately the intellectual property of Masashi Kishimoto, but any OCs and concepts not found in his version belong to me

"Normal Speech" "Now the real fight begins." MHX said returning to his normal form as the energy from his last attack opened two portals.

'_I'm ready for this my true archenemies.'_ The author thought as the portals closed revealing their traveler's in a black suit with a red tie former President of the United States of America Richard Nixon. Wearing a blue body sock with the red underwear on the outside with a dull soulless look in his eyes Superman.

"**WHO DARES TO SUMMON NIXION!"** The republican roared with a voice dripping with hate and malice.

"Futon: Reverse Tornado!" MHX declared as a tight stream of wind flew at the former president only to be destroyed by twin beams of red laser from the krpytonian.

"**Thanks for the save Kal-el.**" Nixion sad with a smile as the man of steel bowed before him.

"You're welcome master, for the status quo." He droned in monotone_._

"Today is the last day you fucktards get to exist, both of you are going down." MHX said drawing his sword and revealing his micro-artillery attached to his left arm.

* * *

Chapter 18: Examination Aftermath

* * *

"…Is he going to be alright?" Naruto asked Gin as he stared at the Third's comatose form.

"I don't know." Gin pushed up his glasses slowly. "He's stable now, but he lost a lot of blood, and there are still trace amounts of poison that we simply can't purge. Not to mention the mental shock of losing an arm." He sighed. "With time, he may wake up… but can he function as Hokage? I don't know."

"…" Naruto had seen Sarutobi through much of his childhood, but he'd never seen his protector look so old, breathing through a tube and bleeding through machines. He was alive this time… but was Konoha really better off, if he ended up like this?

An arm descended on Naruto's shoulders. "I'm sorry, Naruto… I've heard about how close you two were."

"… He's pretty much the closest thing I've had to family… maybe even having a dad." He slowly pushed Gin's arm away. "I don't… I can't stand looking at him like this. I should go."

"Before you go…" Gin pulled a bulging envelope from his doctor's coat. "This is for you."

"Me?" Naruto took it, shaking it. "What is it?"

"One-third of the winnings I made from betting on the Chuunin exams." Gin patted his pocket, also bulging. "Most of all the money I won was from putting down 2 year's wages on you winning your fight with Mitsuhide."

"You… did that?" Naruto said, surprised.

"Yes." Gin nodded. "I've never seen anybody quite like you, Naruto Uzumaki. You took all of my preconceptions and ideas of the world by storm; I think it only fitting that you take everybody else's wallets by storm, too."

"…Thank you."

"If you want to see him again, come talk to me." Gin called as the boy slowly walked out the door.

**Trained With Jiraiya (Speech Check)! Intelligence: +5! Control: +5! Experience: 1500!**

"Whoop-de-doo." Naruto mumbled, not even looking at the stats.

**Boss Fight Completed! 'Mitsuhide'! Endurance: +8! Strength: +3! Experience: 2000!**

"Not in the mood right now…"

**Boss Fight Completed! 'Chuunin exam Gaara'! Annendum: Shukaku Suppressed! Agility: +5! Youki Control: +3! Swordsmanship: +1! Experience: 3000!**

"…okay."

**Boss Fight Completed! 'Zabuza Momochi (Possessed)'! Regeneration: +1! Endurance: +5! Experience: 2500!**

**Chuunin Exams: Hiruzen Sarutobi Saved! Experience: +3000! New Avatar Unlocked!**

Naruto paused in the middle of his stride. "Wait…" he stared at the block text. "I thought experience only happened for boss fights… so why for saving…?"

**Level Up! Level 19!**

"… Eight levels in one go? Damn, that's a lot of experience…"

**Strength: +66!**

**Chakra: +54!**

**Control: +46!**

**Bonus: Intelligence: +17!**

**Bonus: Endurance: +21!**

**Bonus: Agility: +22!**

**Bonus: Taijutsu Skill: +6!**

**Bonus: Luck: +11!**

**Bonus: Dexterity: +8!**

**Bonus: Acrobatics: +6!**

**Bonus: Stealth: +11!**

**Bonus: Traps: +14!**

**Bonus: Accuracy: +4!**

**Bonus: Charisma: +30!**

"…But what does it even matter? They're just numbers on a screen. They don't affect me at all." Naruto scowled deeply, kicking at the ground. "You know what? Fuck it all. I'm going to sleep." He stormed out the hospital doors-

When out of nowhere, a bag descended over his head and cinched tight. "MMPH!" Naruto tried to shriek, but nothing came out.

"We apologize for the undue treatment, Genin Uzumaki," a soft voice whispered in his ear, "But the facility we are transporting you to is secure, and requires discretion. Rest assured, when you have provided what we require, the Interrogation department will transport you back safely to your home."

"MMM-" Naruto tried to scream something out, but a sharp jabbing at the back of his neck turned the world into darkness.

* * *

The next thing Naruto knew, the bag was being jerked off his head.

"Hey, kid." A voice, foggy in Naruto's brain, spoke up. "Hope the ANBU didn't startle you too bad."

"…" Naruto violently shook the cobwebs from his brain. The room was bland and sterile; he was seated at a plain, unadorned table (unbound, Naruto noticed; either his captors were cocky, or he wasn't quite in the trouble he thought he was), with a single swinging bulb overhead.

"Seems rather ghoulish to snatch you up from the hospital, but we needed what you can do."

NOW Naruto recognized the voice. "Ibiki!" he exclaimed. "What am I doing here? I'm not being interrogated, am I? I'm a loyal ninja of Konoha!"

"We know." Ibiki leaned over the table, a small manila folder clutched in his hand. "Which is the only reason; why you're not inside the interrogation room yourself. After what we found at your battle-site." Naruto stilled.

"…Found…?"

"Yes. If Jiraiya hadn't vouched for your stability, you would have every single chakra inhibitor we own slapped onto you for the amount of the Kyuubi's Chakra we found in the surrounding area." Ibiki pushed away. "So be thankful."

Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. _'So they didn't find Zabuza's body… good. That would raise too many questions for me to handle.'_ He looked up, now defiant. "So why am I here, then?"

"Her." Ibiki threw the folder down onto the table; a few pictures of a girl slid out. Naruto's eyes widened.

"Kin? She's alive?"

"Yeah, which is pure dumb luck on her part. Apparently Orochimaru used some kind of technique that required live sacrifices to operate; our guess is that Orochimaru tried an Impure World Resurrection. Three were supplied, but for some reason, Kin's technique failed completely. The other two were cancelled somehow, but her partner Zaku and another Oto-nin came out vegetables, whereas she is more or less untouched. So we've only got her."

"For…"

"Don't act dumb, kid." Ibiki pushed himself away. "You know what happens when live combatants are taken."

"You're going to torture her." Naruto scowled.

"Interrogate her," Ibiki corrected, "for any information we can get. Troop numbers, supply lines, enemy morale, possible double-agents. Everything." He stepped out of the light, casting a sinister shadow in his duster. "We've got every single interrogation cell in this building filled with captured Oto-nin, and we're pumping them all."

"So why me?"

"Because if there's an easy way out, we take it." Ibiki whirled around. "The civilian council gets squeamish when we tell them we do this to minors; they forget about the 'soldier' part of child soldier when we explain the facts of war."

"… We're all trained to kill, and die, for the village." Naruto said, quietly. "No matter how old we are."

"That's right. The Civilians don't understand that, though, so we try to humor them in cases like this." Ibiki sat back down at the table. "Now, we know her team received direct orders from Orochimaru in one of his disguises. As far as we know, they didn't act on it. Either that means they were waiting for an opportunity, they didn't get a chance to do it, or they directly disobeyed his orders. Either way, Orochimaru doesn't give out trivial assignments.

"You were buddy-buddy with her team during the preliminaries," Ibiki continued, throwing down a picture of the four of them chatting together, "So that means she's more likely to open up to you without resorting to force. So, your job is to go in there, talk to her, and get her to spill everything she knows about her assignment and what Orochimaru's capabilities are."

"What if I don't want to?" Naruto countered.

Silence. The flickering bulb overhead sputtered weakly.

"…Excuse me?" Ibiki said, quietly.

Naruto could feel the trace amounts of Killing Intent in the air; he didn't budge, though. "What if I don't want to have anything to do with this? I wasn't friends with them by any stretch of the imagination, but you're talking about having me abuse her trust in me for information. I don't do that." Naruto folded his arms and glared. "Again… what if I don't want to?"

'_**Fleshbag, you're REALLY back-talking to the guy who has had years of practice in making people scream until their throats bleed?'**_ Kyuubi said raising her eyebrow,

'_Uh…'_ Naruto suddenly didn't like the way Ibiki was staring at him.

"…Hah." Ibiki snorted, his dark aura dissipating. "Been a while since I had to deal with a petulant child." Naruto bit his lip to keep from shooting back an indignant reply. "Fine, kid. You don't have to do it. Not everybody's cut out for this kind of thing.

"Besides…" Ibiki pulled a large black bag from the ground and slammed it onto the table. "That just means that you've given the go-ahead to break out my bag of goodies." A pneumatic hiss and a puff of smoke heralded the opening of the bag. "Take a look."

Naruto nervously peered into the bag-

And threw himself out of his chair, face turned white as a sheet. "WH-WH-"

"Bucket's over by the door, kid."

Naruto threw himself over to the trashcan and threw up what remained of his ramen.

"That's generally the way newcomers react when they see my personal toolbox." Ibiki said, blasé as possible.

"Wh… WHAT THE FUCK IS **WRONG **WITH YOU?" Naruto screeched.

"My job." Ibiki snapped the bag shut with another pneumatic hiss and stood. "Now, here's the deal; either you go in there and get her talking, peacefully, or I get the go-ahead to play show-and-tell with my toys. What's it gonna be, kid?"

**Karmic Conundrum (Skill Check):**

**Interrogate Kin?**

**YES NO**

"Wha… skill check?" was all Naruto could comprehend as the world froze.

**Secret Unlocked! 'Skill Checks'! Skill Checks are Points in Time where the level of your skills Directly Influences the outcome of an Event! Passing the Skill Check allows you to Take Control of the situation! NOTE: Only Major Skill Checks will reveal themselves to you; Minor Skill Checks will occur Invisibly in the Background. WARNING: FAILING A MAJOR SKILL CHECK WILL ALWAYS HAVE CONSEQUENCES! Think carefully before entering one!**

"…My SKILLS!" Naruto blurted, suddenly understanding. "THAT'S what they're all for! To pass these Skill Checks! I understand!" he bit his lip. "But… it doesn't say which one is being checked… and I don't know what any of them are in the first place…"

"**If something confuses you, ignore it." **muttered the fox. **"It's what I do."**

"Right, right…" he stared at the choices. "…I don't even know how these two are supposed to fit together anyway… so… I'll do what I feel is right." Naruto leaned backwards. "I'd be abusing her trust in me, and doing that goes against everything I believe in… but…"

Naruto's mind wandered back to the contents of that bag, and he nearly threw up again. "If… if IBIKI…" he spat the name like a curse. "…if HE got his hands on her and used any of… of that…" bile rose up again. "…I don't think I could live with myself."

Naruto reached out and punched **YES**.

"I'll do it."

"Nice." Ibiki grinned, suddenly animate once more. "Takes balls to agree to interrogate someone for the first time. Let's see how you stack up, brat."

With the singular lightbulb swinging overhead, Naruto slowly made his way to the room door, and stumbled in. with a BOOM and a crash of steel, the door slammed behind him.

Kin was a mess. Her hair was scorched, her skin was bruised and cut everywhere he could see, and her eyes, now locked on his orange-clad form, were filled with malevolence. "You."

"Kin!" Naruto held back on running to her side. She looked like shit. "…They didn't do this to you, did they?"

"So they send a boy to do man's work; how quaint." She flipped the curtain of hair backwards. "As to my physical state, no. they have not touched me."

"…That's good." Naruto sighed. _'If they didn't do this… then she must have been brought here like this.'_ Naruto bit his lip. He didn't like the implications of that… but right now, he had a job to do. "Um… Kin?"

The girl remained silent.

"…Just so you know, I really don't want to do this, especially to somebody I actually know, but… you've gotta believe me when I say I'm the only one in this building right now that cares whether you come out of this in one piece. I want to help you, Kin."

"Big talk, for one of such small stature." Kin snapped. Naruto growled.

"Kin, I'm trying to save you right now, and you cracking wise about my height isn't making it easy on me!" Naruto shouted. "I was just shown a handful of things that Ibiki has planned for you, and I can still taste the dinner that I threw up!"

Kin's eyes widened imperceptibly.

"Kin, THEY WILL BREAK YOU. They don't care about the people in here; you're just a hunk of meat that can tell them things if they torture it long enough!"

"**Are you taking speech notes from me?" **Kyuubi asked lazily. Naruto ignored him.

"They don't care about you as a person! They do not care if you come out of this whole! They don't care if you can still feel all ten fingers and toes, or whether you're a slobbering lunatic that can't take a shit without somebody aiming for you, or whether you're a broken little girl crying in a corner because her…" Naruto stumbled, looking away. "…pride, was taken from her over and over again and again and again!"

Kin's eyes were as wide as saucers; her mouth flapped in the nonexistent wind.

"THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!" Naruto screamed. "All they see you as is a mine of information, a nut they have to crack using whatever tools necessary to get at the treasure trove inside your mind! Kin, I'm the only advocate you have in this dungeon!"

**FLASH!**

The scene turned gray, and floating boxes appeared over Kin's head. Naruto cocked his head to the side. "Is… is this the skill check?"

**CHOSEN SKILL: CHARISMA! **

Declared the biggest, topmost box. Underneath were three others: one rapidly-flickering box labeled **LUCK MODIFIER**, one labeled **SKILL CHECK (1)**, with **50 **inside the box, and one labeled **SKILL: CHARISMA**; this box was filled with **105**.

"…I'm not even going to pretend I understand what's happening here."

With a jingle, the Luck Modifier stopped on a number.

**Luck Modifier: -23!**

**Modified Total Skill (Charisma): 82!**

**Skill Check: PASS!**

"Oh… OH!" Naruto exclaimed. "So, luck changes the total skill based on random odds, and then that new number is compared to the Skill Check! I GET IT!"

The world spun back to life.

"You are lying…" Kin growled, with a small note of uncertainty in her voice.

Naruto was thrown off by the sudden transition, but quickly regained his place. "Believe it!" Naruto exclaimed. "Believe it when you hear me say that! Believe it when you hear me tell you that I'm your only way to escape this place with your mind still whole! Believe it when I tell you that I want to help you! Because, I do!"

Naruto quickly sat across the desk she was perched in front of, staring straight into her eyes. "When I went into the Chuunin exam, I had it in my head that the people from Oto were all missing-nin psychopaths that were in it to sadistically hurt people for shits and giggles, and didn't care about anything other than that! But…"

"But…" Kin asked hesitantly.

"But, you guys…" Naruto continued, "You and Zaku and Dosu, you made me think that wasn't entirely true." He looked away. "Sure, the three of you were scrappers born with a bone to pick with the world, but that wasn't all that you were! You were people, underneath the gimmicky mummy wrappings you three hide behind. You have personalities beyond my-life-for-the-horde. You have your funky way of talking that is, oddly enough, kinda cute, Zaku welcomed me into the group with a smile and a laugh almost instantly, without knowing anything about me, and Dosu was the overprotective big brother of the two of you!"

"Naruto…"

"I want to help you get through this!" Naruto leaned across the table and laid a hand on her shoulder; she didn't resist the touch. "Right now, they're listening to me, listening if I can make this easier for them. They're doing this for Konoha, but I'm doing this for you!"

**SKILL CHECK (2): 60**

**Luck modifier: +47!**

**Modified Total Skill (Charisma): 152!**

**Skill Check: PASS!**

"…" Kin looked away, biting her upper lip. "I… I…"

"Kin, there is nothing that says you shouldn't help us!" not only should you save yourself, but Orochimaru BETRAYED YOU!" Naruto shouted.

Kin stiffened under his grip; the boy didn't even notice.

"He tried to kill you! He DID kill you, and it's only through sheer dumb luck that you came back! Even now, Zaku might never wake up from his coma, even with the best medical team we have! He's betrayed Konoha, He's betrayed Oto for sending good men and women to die for his own personal crusade, and he betrayed-"

The world froze again. Naruto looked up. "What? Another skill check, so soon?"

**SKILL CHECK (3): 140**

Naruto's eyes shot open. "WHAT? Why did the check shoot so high? It was less than half that last time!" a sinking feeling settled into his stomach. "My skill isn't high enough on its own… only the luck thing could get it that high…"

The Luck box kept spinning.

"Come on… let me pass…!" Naruto pleaded with the box.

The box froze.

**Luck Modifier: +34!**

The pit of Naruto's stomach dropped out. "No…"

**Modified Total Skill (Charisma): 139!**

"No, No, nononononoNO!" Naruto screamed.

**Skill Check: FAIL!**

"NOOOOO!"

Time Resumed.

"SHUT UP!" Kin screeched, twisting out of Naruto's hands; the wooden chair toppled to the ground, slamming the girl's bruised and tender face into the stone.

"Kin!" Naruto reached for the chair.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" she screamed. "I would never help one who preaches hatred like you!" Naruto snapped back as if stung.

"What? But-"

"You blaspheme the name of a good man!" Kin shouted, struggling futilely against the ropes binding her to the chair. "Orochimaru-sama saved us all! You speak of things you do not understand! We would all be DEAD without Orochimaru-sama! I owe him my life, and he has every right to use it how he pleases!"

"I thought you were different from the rest of the Konoha scum…" Kin hissed, tears welling up in her eyes. "I thought you were our comrade… that you understood… but you…" She glared with all the hatred she could muster. "YOU'RE JUST THE SAME AS THE ONES WHO SLAUGHTERED US ALL!"

**KARMIC CONUNDRUM CHECK FAILED! **

**NEW KARMIC RANKING! 'TRUE MORTAL'!**

"Kin, I-"

BOOM! The door swung open. "Time's up, kid. You had your chance. You blew it." Ibiki drawled as a trio of ninja swarmed in behind him. "Now it's our turn."

"NO!" Naruto shouted, running to Kin. "No, no, you don't have to do this, just give me more time! I can fix this!"

"LET GO OF ME! HELP!" Kin screamed as two of the three picked her up by the chair, hanging her upside-down as the rushed her out of the room.

"KIN! KIIIIN!" Naruto began running after her, only to be arm-locked by the last ninja. "NO! LET ME GO! KIIIIN!"

"You impressed me, meat." Ibiki spoke as he slowly flipped through seals. "I nearly thought you cracked her on your first try… until you brought up Orochimaru. Rule number one of interrogation: never bring up the former boss. It reminds them of honor, that they still have loyalty. After that, well, you just kept shooting yourself in the foot."

"KIIIIIIN!"

"You nearly had her, kid… but now it's our turn, and we're not nice to enemy combatants. She'll never see the light of day again." he hit the final seal. "Payment for services rendered will be included in your next mission payout."

Feathers began falling in Naruto's eyesight.

"KIIIIiiin…" Naruto felt his body go weak. "No… Kin…"

"Drop him off at his house, and make sure he doesn't wake up on the way back…" the words of the torturer went fuzzy. "This is a secret facility, after all…"

The world went black.

* * *

"KIN!" Naruto screamed as he jerked upright. He blinked, woozily.

He was back home, dressed in his pajamas, in bed. The morning sun was streaming in his window, hitting him right in the face. Everything was a perfectly average morning.

Except for the turmoil in the boy's head.

"Did… did I just dream all of that?" Naruto looked around.

"**Nope." **Kyuubi grumbled.

Naruto froze. "Then… I…"

**You done fucked up, brat." **The fox yawned.

Naruto sat there, silent, for a few minutes… before slowly curling into a ball, shuddering. "Then… Kin, she…"

"**She probably wishes she'd died with the Jutsu right now." **Kyuubi said airily. **"That's what happens when women get tortured."**

"…!" Naruto could only lie in bed, silently sobbing.

"**Oh, quit yer bitchin'. You failed. So what. Something had to go wrong eventually, and you've never done your talking-therapy on a cultist before. You were screwed from the start."**

"SHUT UP!" Naruto screamed. "You don't know what you're talking about!"

"**I'm a fucking demon, you little shit."** Kyuubi growled.** "I've had people sacrifice virgins to keep me appeased. I've watched tiny little villages fight and slaughter each other by the hundreds to earn my approval. I've had people willingly claw out their own eyes without a second thought, and I've laughed at them. I've chewed children's parents to a fine meaty paste and had the brats thank me for the privilege to watch them die. I've made fathers fuck daughters, sons impregnate mothers, siblings rape siblings, I've made entire villages descend into hedonistic orgies where everybody fucked everybody, and I fucked them all."** The kyuubi declared pausing for a second to let it sink into Naruto's mind.

"**Before your villages sprang up, I was worshipped like I was a god, and I played with you mortal's lives like the toys you are. Because when it comes down to it, you fleshbags all want to be children again and obey something greater than your weak, pathetic selves. Heroes, Tyrants, Gods, Demons; you humans will bow down to any greater cause that parades itself in front of you, because you DON'T WANT TO THINK FOR YOURSELVES!" **The demon roared with the authority of an ancient wrathful demon that it rightly earned.

"**When I say I know something, I FUCKING KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. And I know more than a little 'something' about how cultists think."**

All throughout the monologue, visions flooded Naruto's brain, of death, destruction, debauchery, despair. Visions, Naruto realized, that were memories; the Kyuubi's memories. If Naruto had anything left in his stomach, he would have hurled.

"What… What the fuck is wrong with you…?" Naruto growled, his despair transforming into rage.

"**Like I said, I'm a demon; it's what I do. I proved that I was stronger, and The Weak will always obey The Strong. That's what Orochimaru did; he proved he was Strong. The Weak flocked to him. Simple as that."**

"No…" Naruto shook his head. "No, that can't be right… the way Kin talked, she's too smart for that… she wouldn't just bow down… she talked like Orochimaru was a good guy."

"**That's what cultists do. The leader can do no wrong, no matter what." **Said the Kyuubi. **"He's convinced them he's the ultimate end to their problems. He probably backed his words with actions. Maybe he kissed a few babies, maybe he saved a couple of families, maybe he defeated a few scumbags, maybe he toppled a few corrupt kingpins, maybe he put a check in every wallet and a chicken in every pot. It doesn't matter what he did, because all that matters is the result; he can DO NO WRONG. And no 'outsider' is going to convince them otherwise."**

"But… but…" Naruto couldn't think. The Kyuubi's words had the horrifying ring of truth to them. "But, Haku, and Neji, and Gaara…"

"**Like I said, you backed your words with actions. How many times do I have to say this?" **the fox growled. **"You backed your words with your fists, your creed against theirs. You defeated them; therefore your truth was THE truth. Sasuke fought with his truth against Itachi's truth and he lost. That's why he went to Orochimaru; because the Snake had proven that HIS truth was enough to topple the status quo and shake things up.**

"**That's EXACTLY what a cult leader does. When a 'good guy' does it, he's a visionary, a revolutionary, a prophet of the new order, but make no mistake; when a 'bad guy' does the exact same thing, he's a cult leader, a psychopath, a terrorist bent on destroying love, peace and cute little woodland creatures. Labels are subjective; words are subjective; only actions matter."**

"…You're right." Naruto murmured. "Damnitall, you're right."

"**So, what are you going to DO?" **

"… I'm going to defeat Orochimaru. Whatever it takes. I'll break his truth, no matter what it takes."

"**Hah. Good luck with that." **Kyuubi grinned. **"You won't be able to do it like you are now."**

"…then how can I change?"

"**First, bone up on what your truth is. Figure out what it is that YOU believe." **The fox rattled the bars of his cage. **"You humans are so damn mercurial that it takes you years, even decades to decide on who you TRULY are. You may think it's all figured out now, but one revelation later, and your entire worldview has gone ass-over-teakettle. We Immortals don't have that problem; we KNOW who we are, and that's not going to change any time soon."**

"How do I do that?"

"**Throw yourself into everything you can. Do as much as possible to shake your world to pieces. Whatever falls out intact at the end is who you are." **Kyuubi smashed his paw against the wall. **"Second, bone up on what your enemy's truth is. If you don't know how it is that your enemy commands the loyalty and respect that he does, you don't know to punch holes in his argument."**

"…Know thy enemy as thy know thyself, and you shall not fear defeat in a hundred battles." Said Naruto, eyes wide.

"**Exactly. Understanding your enemy is just as important as understanding yourself. Third…" **Here the Kyuubi grinned. **"Know how to kick some ass. If you can't fight, it doesn't matter if you know your enemy and yourself; you will automatically lose."**

"… That won't be a problem." Naruto growled.

"**I mean it. Your enemy will always change; it's not always going to be snake-face. You will find other people to hate with every fiber of your being. And they're not going to fight anything alike. If you were strong, you could use the same tactics over and over again, and simply overpower your opponents, no matter what they try. But you're NOT strong!"**

"I am so!" Naruto exclaimed.

"**If you were strong, you wouldn't have DIED!" **Kyuubi shouted. **"And we wouldn't be IN this mess!" **

That shut Naruto up.

"**You're not strong; you can't simply ignore your opponent's technique. If you use the same move over and over, there will be a person you fight tailor-made to defeat your technique. ALWAYS. To WIN, you need to EXPAND. GROW what you know, so that when others fight you, YOU are the one tailor-made to defeat them.**

"**THAT is how you defeat Orochimaru. THAT is how you will never lose again. And THAT is how there will never be another Kin… or another Sasuke." **With those final words, the Kyuubi settled to the back of his cage and closed his eyes.

Naruto was silent for quite some time…

"… I don't think I've ever seen you this helpful before…"

"**You were contemplating giving up everything. If you did that, I will never be free of this prison ever again. That is unacceptable." **The fox mumbled without opening his eyes. **"Now go wash up, you look like a fucking mess. Your date with the Hyuuga slut is today, and showing up looking like you've been bawling your eyes out like a pussy is disgraceful."**

"Shit!" Naruto exclaimed, leaping out of his bed… and catching his arm on the nightstand, sending him into a speedy faceplant. "AGH GODDAMMIT!"

The Kyuubi roared with laughter.

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

Several hours later…

* * *

As Naruto rounded the bend to the central plaza, he could immediately tell that Hinata wasn't there. "What? I didn't show up early, did I?" A quick glance at a shop-bound clock said, no, it was 3 minutes to 2. He wasn't early. "Where is she…?"

"Oh!" a small voice exclaimed. "You're Naruto Uzumaki!"

"…And if I am?" Naruto scanned around the empty plaza for the source; not many people were out and about the day after an attack, so it shouldn't be hard to find…

Suddenly, there was a tiny Hyuuga girl at his side. "I… I saw your match in the exams. With Father." She tugged at her sleeves nervously. "It was very impressive. Father said you showed remarkable skill."

"… You're Hinata's little sister, aren't you?" Naruto asked, understanding.

"Yes. I am Hyuuga Hanabi. Pleased to make your acquaintance!" the little girl bowed low… before nearly getting off-balance by the pulling on her cheek. "OWOWOuauauaua!"

"Hey, now!" Naruto grinned, letting the tyke go from his cheek-pinch. "Little kids shouldn't talk so stuffy! Your grammar and shit should piss off any adults in the vicinity, not get awards from them!"

"H-How rude!" Hanabi rubbed her reddening face, glaring. "I am a potential heiress of the Hyuuga clan! My actions reflect upon them all, so I must uphold our honor with dignity and decorum!"

"I don't even know what that word means." The boy drawled, leading the girl to a set of chairs. "Wait, hang on. Potential heiress? I thought eldest child got the whole shebang in clans. Shouldn't Hinata be the heiress full-out?"

"For quite some time," Hanabi began, sitting down gracefully, "it was the opinion of the clan elders that Hinata-nee did not have the mindset or the ability to properly lead the Hyuuga clan to prosperity. It was widely assumed I would be groomed to take the position."

"… They were going to throw her under the carriage because she wasn't good enough for them." Naruto said through gritted teeth.

"She would have gracefully stepped aside for a more competent leader, wherever it may have come from." Hanabi looked away. "… Hinata-nee didn't seem to want the position, either."

"So what changed?"

"She did." Hanabi glanced back. "Hinata-nee stunned the entire clan yesterday with her skill; nobody thought she would be that good. Father says he thought he was going to lose a daughter going there. Now the elders are in an uproar, asking why they didn't know about this potential before and why her teachers hadn't been telling the truth about her skill. Now it is uncertain which of us is more suited to leading the clan to glory."

"…How do you know all this?" Naruto cocked an eyebrow.

Hanabi smiled lightly. "Children should be seen and not heard. When we want to, we don't have to be seen, either."

"You…" Naruto grinned. "HA! You cheeky girl! I think I like you after all!" he reached over and ruffled her hair, sending her hair flying every-which-way.

"U-Ugaah!" Hanabi shouted and swatted his hands away. "Why are you so rude? I am a Hyuuga princess! I should be treated with respect!"

"You may be a princess…" Naruto smiled even wider. "But I'm also dating your big sister. I get to hassle you as much as I want, because who knows how things turn out?"

Hanabi went bright red and looked away. "… An Onii-san…"

"What was that?"

"NOTHING!" she quickly exclaimed, hiding her face in her sleeves.

"Weird little midget…" Naruto snapped his fingers. "Ah! Speaking of sisters, why are you here instead of Hinata? Is she alright?"

"I, ah… yes…" Hanabi coughed into her sleeve and regained her countenance. "She is down with a moderate fever. Not so severe as to be a genuine threat, but enough to restrict her movements. The doctors believe she may have been lightly poisoned."

"Kankuro…" Naruto sighed. "Well, I'm glad she's not seriously hurt."

"Yes." Hanabi nodded. "The elders think so too. They are meeting right now to discuss her heretofore unknown skill and what it means for the position of heiress. They will likely question her later in the day, when she is well enough to meet with them. Hinata sends her regrets, but she won't be able to meet you today."

"Damn…" Naruto frowned. "I don't blame her. Kicking the post-poison backlash is a horrible feeling. Make sure she doesn't hurt herself when she starts puking her guts out, that'll probably happen soon."

"Uh…" Hanabi blinked. "I… suppose so? How do you know what she will go through?"

"I've been poisoned more than I care to admit. I know how this'll play out." Naruto pushed himself up from the table. "Tell her it's alright, we can meet up some other day. Tell her I hope she gets better."

"Yes, Naruto-san." Hanabi bowed.

Naruto couldn't help but smile. "Heh. You're way too stuffy and formal for a kid your age... but you're a good little sister." He softly patted Hanabi's head while she was bowed. "Take care of her while she's down, mmkay?"

"…Teheh." Hanabi giggled and scampered away, gently feeling where Naruto's hand had just been. The blonde couldn't help but snort in laughter.

"She's still just a kid."

"**So are you."**

"Not where it counts!"

"**Nah, you're still a kid down there, too."**

"God-dammit, I am NOT talking about THAT!" Naruto shouted angrily.

"**Well, it's what I WAS talking about. Deal with it."**

"Asshole." Naruto said as a wonderful idea of revenge appeared in his head.

* * *

Several Minutes Later…

* * *

"**No, NO, NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" **The Kyuubi screamed. **"OH SHIT NINJA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"**

"Payback for false statements about my dick." Naruto kicked in the bark for the Pit. "I figure a little death and dismemberment is in order."

"**For US?" **the fox shrieked. **"ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? You are WILLINGLY going up against an UNBOUND Bijuu after fighting through hordes of enemies because I made fun of your MEAT STICK?"**

"Yep." Naruto said with a bastard smile of getting payback on the demon in his belly.

"**I am going to be devoured and my power absorbed into some chump-ass psycho Tanuki, and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!"**

"Good. You could use being taken down a peg." And with that, Naruto leapt down into the Pit.

* * *

**"You dumb, ass-backwards, suicidal, fucktarded chump!" **Kyuubi shouted as Naruto slashed another Sand Wraith's head off.

"Notice how you're the only one freaking out about this." hack, hack, slash, jab. The last Wraith died. "I really should learn how to use this fucking sword."

"**Because I have more to lose than your idiotic mortal self!" **

"You're supposedly the baddest motherfucker out there, and you're crying like a baby over fighting someone who is supposedly vastly weaker than you?" Naruto leapt up as the floor disappeared, plunging down. The Tenth floor. The feeling of lurking doom multiplied, but didn't affect Naruto nearly as much as the first time had.

"**I can't do a fraction of the shit I can do when I'm bound up in this stupid cage!" **Kyuubi growled. **"And if any of the demons is able to pull me from your corpse, I lose a lot more than just a life!"**

"Oh?"

"**FREEDOOOOM!" **The Shukaku screeched as it tore itself from the desert floor. **"I SHALL BATHE IN YOUR BLOOD!"**

"Guide me home, fuzz-butt." Naruto leapt high into the air, feeling the snapping jaws of a sand cocoon slam shut where he'd just been standing.

"**God-Dammit… Watch the tail!" **Naruto rolled to the side and lifted an exploding tag kunai, ducking under the tail swipe that would have decapitated him. The Tanuki howled as the kunai tore into its skin, and screamed even louder when the weapon exploded. **"… You improved all of a sudden." **The Kyuubi noted.

"Maybe stats do more than just Skill Checks after all."

"**YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT, HUMAN!" **Shukaku waved the wounded tail in the air, a large patch of superheated glass forming on its side.

"Glass…!" Naruto exclaimed. "Kyuubi, do you think-"

"**JUMP!" **

Naruto barely avoided the hand suddenly growing out of the wall, grabbing where his neck used to be.

"**Keep moving, fleshbag!" **the fox chastised. **"This entire damn arena is Shukaku's playground! The only reason that he hasn't got a hundred of those hands trying to grab us is because he's stupid, and you surprised him, and even then, you can't stop moving for a minuQUICKSAND!"**

Naruto threw himself over the rapidly-sinking pit underneath his feet. "So what? How do I beat him?"

"**THIS is why I didn't want to COME here! YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE DOING!" **Kyuubi bellowed. **"If you want to have any chance of beating this Tanuki, you need to flay him alive! INBOUND TAIL!"**

Naruto dropped to the ground, throwing a tag at the glassy section as it passed. With a boom, the glass shattered, leaving a gaping hole in his tail. Shukaku screamed in pain.

"**YES, just like that!" **Kyuubi pointed at the missing section. **"Do that, but to his main body! Shred his body, and then you'll have a chance!"**

"Just like that?" Naruto shouted. "I nearly got my head taken off twice!" despite his protests, he leapt onto the tail. The sand underneath his feet radiated a blistering heat that the boy could feel all the way through his sandals. With a shout of pain, the Jinchuuriki leapt away. "AGH! My feet!"

"**What did you expect, directly touching a Bijuu? We're Demons with massive amounts of chakra; the only reason your guts haven't liquefied from that contact is because you've got me shielding you from the worst!"**

"Then… gimme your chakra!"

"**Glad to see you get where I was going." **With a flare of Youki, the fox's Chakra Shroud surrounded Naruto.

"**YOU DARED TO TOUCH ME? ME, THE MIGHTY ICHIBI?" **the sand demon swept a claw across where Naruto had been; the boy was nowhere near it now. **"WHERE ARE YOU?"**

"**Right here!" **roared Naruto as he tore across the underside of Shukaku's arm, leaving tags spread all along his path.

"**INSOLENT GNAT!"**Shukaku slammed his arm to his side, attempting to crush the boy. Naruto, however, had already circled around to the arm's other side.

"**NOW!" **Kyuubi shouted. With a flash of light, the tags exploded, glassing half of the giant's forearm and a large chunk of its side. Shukaku screamed in unholy rage as it stumbled and nearly fell over. **"YES! HAHAH! Suck on that, fuck-face!"**

"**I'm gonna run out of tags at this rate!" **Naruto exclaimed, racing forward along the quivering mass of flesh. **"Any other tricks for me?"**

"**The sword! The sword might be even better than your explosives!"**

"**Got it!" **Naruto reached for his sword and pulled… and sent the entire blade spinning off into the distance. **"SHIT!"**

"**YOU FUCKING FUCKFACE FACEFUCKER FUCKTARDED FUCKER!" **Kyuubi howled at the sheer level of failure radiating from his prison.

"**DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!"**Shukaku swung his arm up, sending Naruto skyward, followed by a massive paw-swat. With a scream of broken sound barriers, Naruto exploded onto the arena walls.

"…**!" **Naruto couldn't even speak without blood streaming out of his mouth. **'Kyuubi… did we just lose?'**

"**Yep." **Kyuubi growled, clearly pissed. **"Because you can't fucking draw a sword. Now that he knows I'm here, he's gonna absorb me, and break out of this dungeon and rampage over the world, causing untold destruction and death. All because YOU can't fucking draw a fucking sword without fucking chucking it across the fucking room."**

'…**More chakra.'**

"**Eh?" **

'**Give me more chakra.' **Naruto twitched his head up, staring up at the Ichibi now towering over them.

"**YOU ARE KYUUBI, AREN'T YOU?"**Shukaku leered. **"THE MIGHTY KYUUBI, BOUND TO A MORTAL AND DEFEATED BY THE ICHIBI."**

"**What's the point? All the bones that matter are broken." **Despite his protests, more demonic chakra flooded Naruto's pathways.

"**Not all of them."**

"**I WILL ENJOY FEASTING ON YOUR ESSENCE, KYUUBI!"**a mass of sand grasped Naruto and threw him into the monster's mouth.

"**Choke on it, you son of a bitch." **Naruto drew his arms together into a single seal as he descended down the demon's gullet.

"**KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"**

Shukaku's jaw snapped shut.

"**BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**the Ichibi roared with laughter as he felt his stomach fill- before his throat sealed up. **"URP-?" **the monster began coughing and hacking.

A thousand muffled voices screamed.

"**RASENGAN!"**

The Shukaku's neck, chest, gut and back exploded.

Naruto clones spilled from the wounds like orange blood, roaring with victory as the monster spilled its prey. "IT WORKED!" shouted one.

"Where's boss?" asked another.

"He's getting carried out."

And he was, being piggybacked out of the gaping hole in Shukaku's throat. "You okay back there, boss?" asked the carrying clone, as his skin was roasted by proximity to the Kyuubi's chakra.

"…" Naruto tried to speak, but only coughed blood in reply.

"Shit." Naruto-clone frowned. "Anybody got any ideas about how to fix Boss up, or do we just let fuzz-butt do his thing?"

"…**!" **

With another seal, another clone appeared. "EVERYBODY GET BACK!" screamed the clone. "IT'S NOT DEAD YET!"

"WHAT?"

"**RAAAAAAAGH!"**with a mighty bellow, the Shukaku's body collapsed, like the skin of a shedding snake sloughing to the ground. From the pile of sand and glass rose an orb, glowing and pulsing a sickly yellow the color of an ugly bruise.

"The fuck is that?" shouted the Naruto carrying the original.

"It's Shukaku's Youki Core!" exclaimed the new clone. "Kyuubi basically said it's a mashup of Shukaku's soul and the source of his power! Whenever a demon's body gets too messed up without insta-killing it, that thing pops out and tries to gank whatever is threatening it!"

The orb hissed, pulsing once. A hundred sand-spikes shot out, impaling as many clones. "HOLY SHIT!" shouted Carrier-Naruto.

"Now that it doesn't have to manage a body, it's got all of its power to use against us!" the new Naruto just barely dodged the spike. "But it's fragile! Without a body to contain that power, it's gonna keep leaking energy, and a good hit will shatter it like glass! SOMEBODY GET THE SWORD!"

"Here!" the sheathed blade flew through the air; the clone that threw it was then cocooned in sand and died screaming. Carrier-Naruto attached it to the original's side.

"…**!" **another 200 Naruto clones appeared, all carrying the blade.

"Get rid of the sand! It can't use mud nearly as well!"

"DOTON: YOMI NUMA!" nearly the entire arena suddenly turned into a bog; the bladed Narutos and Carrier-Naruto leapt to the walls as the Jutsu-casters sank into the swamp without a sound. Shukaku let out a soundless noise of rage that rattled the entire cavernous room. Small bubbles rose out of the orb and dissipated into the air.

"Well, it's powerless without any sand to use." Said one Naruto.

"Yeah, but so are we. We don't have any long-range Jutsus that will hit for anything, and we're not strong enough to throw stuff that far." Said Carrier-Naruto. "And we can't just leave it there, because it'll figure something out eventually, and then we're boned."

"…What if we combined the two?" said New-Naruto. "Throw shit at it, and then blast Jutsus to push it forward? Like, Reppusho?"

"… I like this guy." Said Carrier-Naruto. "He's smarter than all you chumps."

"HEY!"

"You heard him! 50 of you spam shadow kunais, 50 of you chuck your swords at it, and the rest of you pair up with chuckers and back them up with Reppusho. Get to it!" with a rush of movements, the wall-mounted Narutos all rearranged across the room. "Everybody know what they're doing?"

"Right!"

"On three! One… Two… THREE!"

"FUUTON: REPPUSHO!"

"KAGE KUNAI NO JUTSU!"

"EAT STEEL, BITCH!"

A hail of metal raced towards the Core. With a scream of unholy rage, pierced by the rain of blades, the orb shattered into a million pieces, dissipating into nothing. The weapons all plummeted into the muck below and disappeared without a trace.

"…Well, hell." Carrier-Naruto laughed. "I didn't think that would work. I thought it'd need something more dramatic than that."

"You know, I was thinking that, too." Said New-Naruto. "I thought Boss would need to get up and throw himself into a Rasengan demon-off with that thing. Guess the pragmatic way works, too." He glanced around at the celebrating clones. "So, what happens now?"

"…**now…" **Naruto whispered.

"Hey, boss!" Carrier-Naruto shrugged Naruto up higher. "You feeling better yet?"

"…**thanks… I think I can… stand on my own, now…" **

"Good." Carrier-Naruto slowly let Naruto down onto the wall, holding him until he was firmly stuck. "Because that chakra of yours was char-broiling me alive." He grinned, his skin blackened to coal and his hair burned away. "I am in excruciating pain right now."

"…**Sorry."**

"No problem, boss. Not like we haven't been through worse before, and you're more important than me. But now, If you don't mind, I'm just gonna go kill myself now." With that, Carrier-Naruto drew a kunai and cut his own throat.

"…**I just wanna say that if your clones are the same personality as you, then you are a fucking psychopath." **Said Kyuubi, snorting with amusement. **"You good to walk?"**

"… **I thin**k so." Naruto relaxed his hold on the fox's chakra and slowly stood up, wincing and clutching his side. "My whole body aches like nothing else, though."

"**You got bitch-slapped by a monster three times the height of your forest trees. Be glad you didn't explode into goo." **

"Right…" Naruto looked around. "So… now what?"

"**Hell if I know. I'm not the one who came in here half-cocked." **Kyuubi growled. **"But if we have to fight any more, I am going to- hold up, what's that?"**

"What?"

"**Down on the floor!" **something was softly glowing where Shukaku's body had disintegrated, the mud drying into hard clay directly around it. **"Go get it!"**

"Okay…" with a leap, Naruto landed in front of the mystery object. "It… it looks like a mini-version of the Youki core… with three jewels in it?"

"**HAHA!" **Kyuubi laughed. **"It's the essence of Shukaku, without any of the damn raccoon's mind polluting it! This only happens when a demon is completely and utterly killed by another demon! You take that thing, you get all of the raccoon's power for your own!"**

Naruto's eyes shot open. "Holy… if this happens whenever a demon dies, then how come other people haven't done this before?"

"**Besides the fact that most probably didn't get past 'completely and utterly destroy the body'? The Youki Core kills everything around it so it can tear a hole in reality and retreat to its own little corner of Hell. Lick its wounds, rebuild a body, that sort of thing. Humans can't truly kill demons; all they do is chase them back to Hell for a while. Only demons, and apparently Jinchuuriki, can truly kill other demons, because we're the only ones that can see and interact with the Youki Core in the first place. To finish the job for good, we destroy the Core, devour the leftover essence and add its power to our own. No idea what the Gems are, though."**

"Right." Naruto took a step forward.

**CONGRATULATIONS!**

"HOLY SHIT!" Naruto nearly leapt out of his skin as a massive scroll appeared out of nowhere and unraveled in front of him. The giant quill writing on the scroll continued its work.

**WITH THE GLORY OF THE LIGHT SHINING WITHIN YOU, YOU HAVE STRUCK DOWN ONE OF THE GENERALS OF HELL. HIS ARMOURY LIES BARE BEFORE YOU. CHOOSE YOUR SPOILS OF WAR.**

"…well, that's a bit melodramatic." The boy drawled. The first Gem shifted in front of his eyes into a golden ring, with a large, smooth piece of jade as a centerpiece. Alongside the ridge were carved the kanji for 'Gold' and 'Wind'.

**KINKAZE: WITH THIS RING, THE MIGHTY GALES AND SOFT CARESSES OF WIND ARE YOURS TO COMMAND. WEARING THE RING EITHER ENHANCES A NATURAL AFFINITY OR CREATES A SECONDARY WIND AFFINITY THAT IS AKIN IN EASE TO BREATHING. WHILE WEARING THE RING, LIGHTNING WILL ALL BUT FAIL AGAINST YOUR SKIN, BUT WILL RAISE FIRE INTO AN INFERNO THAT CHARS THE BONE.**

"**Sounds like a super-affinity." **Said Kyuubi, slightly impressed. **"You don't get super-affinities in mortals that often. That's more on the level of Immortal powers. You'd certainly be able to do that tornado of yours without destroying your coils again, even without raising your chakra levels."**

"Really?" Naruto glanced at the ring. "Huh… and it's just giving it away?"

"**Yeah… maybe it's compartmentalized all the elements of the raccoon's powers. What's the rest say?"**

"Lessee…" the second Gem transformed, revealing a gourd small enough to fit into the palm of his hand. "Hey… isn't that Gaara's gourd?"

**CHI NO SUNA: WITH THIS GOURD, THE BLOODY SAND WILL DANCE FOR YOU. WITH THE BLOOD PRICE OF ONE LIFE PER FULL MOON, THE SANDS OF THE SHUKAKU'S SANDS ARE YOURS TO CONTROL. BE WARNED: IF THE SANDS TAKE THEIR FILL OF HUMAN LIVES TOO OFTEN WITHIN A CYCLE, THE NEXT FULL MOON WILL CREATE A BLOOD RAGE THAT CAN SCARCE BE CONTAINED.**

"…That's a little too macabre for me to use." Naruto frowned. "I mean, it doesn't specify what KIND of life is needed to make this thing run, but I get enough hate in this village without be running around killing pets to power this thing. And that 'blood rage' thing is kinda scary."

"**You're turning it down out of hand? When you KNOW how powerful it is in the hands of somebody who can use it?" **Kyuubi exclaimed. **"You disgust me."**

"You'd really put up with me using the exclusive power of a, and I quote, 'psycho chump-ass Tanuki'?"

"…**Point. Continue."**

The third gem cracked open, revealing a bound scroll with 'ICHI' inscribed on its side. Cradling the scroll was a pedestal of sand, speckled with blood and drifting in the breeze.

**SUMMON SHUKAKU: WITH THIS SCROLL, THE VERY SOUL OF SHUKAKU IS BOUND TO YOUR WILL. EXISTING BETWEEN THE BARRIERS OF LIFE AND DEATH, THE SHUKAKU WILL HEED YOUR EVERY CALL, PROVIDED IT HAS A BODY TO INHABIT. SHUKAKU WILL AID YOU UNTIL IT IS BANISHED BACK TO ITS' OTHERWORLDLY PRISON OR TRULY SLAIN ONCE MORE, IN WHICH CASE, IT CANNOT BE CALLED AGAIN. BE WARNED: SHOULD THE BEAST NOT BE WEAKENED IN LABOR OR COMBAT, ITS' POWER WILL GROW WITHOUT LIMITS IN ITS' PRISON, AND MAY CHALLENGE YOU FOR ITS' RIGHT TO FREEDOM.**

"Ohgodwhat."

"**Ohdevilwhat."**

"Did… did I just read that right?" Naruto asked aloud. "Did it just say I could bind a BIJUU to be my personal servant?"

"**Fleshbag, do NOT do this." **Kyuubi sounded angrier than it had ever sounded before. **"If there's one thing that demons hate more than anything else in the world, it's being bound to the will of a mortal; even being tied to your lifespans like I am is a preferred punishment, since you can't really order us to do all that much in here. And any Bijuu, especially one like the Shukaku, will find any slip-up you make and pounce on it, and they will kill you in an instant."**

"…you're not bullshitting me, are you?"

"**I have never been more serious!" **exclaimed the fox. **"It will piss off the Tanuki like anything else, and he will swear on his life that he'll eat your soul. And it specifically said he'll get stronger when he's not used! How often are you going to be able to use a raccoon taller than mountains? It's asking for trouble!"**

"… Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right." Naruto scowled. "I mean, damn… just how cool would it be to just call down that sucker on somebody at any time? That'd be freaking sweet."

"**Not worth the inevitable trouble." **

"I guess."

The orb rose up, and pulsed once, flooding the room with power.

**ICHIBI: WITH THIS RAW POWER, THE CHAKRA OF THE SHUKAKU IS YOURS. A SINGLE RAW TAIL OF YOUKI IS ADDED TO YOUR CHAKRA POOL. BE WARNED: THE POWER OF YOUKI IS VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE POWER OF CHAKRA, AND PHYSICAL CHANGES MAY ACCOMPANY THE CALLING OF THIS YOUKI.**

"So, this is just pure chakra." Naruto frowned. "It's not like I need any more of that. I've got you, after all. And Gaara is kinda screwed up from Shukaku's power, so, that's a no." He frowned. "Hey, fuzz-butt. Don't you think the way this is describes it talks like it's describing it to somebody who isn't a Jinchuuriki?"

"**Your point?"**

"I dunno… it just… it doesn't feel right, somehow. Like it's talking to somebody else." Naruto shrugged. "Whatever, I guess it's just a stray thought. Thoughts?"

"**As long as you leave Shukaku itself alone, I could give less than a single fuck."**

"… Really, the only one that won't inherently cause me problems is Kinkaze." Naruto plucked the ring from the air and slid it onto his finger. The other three prizes disappeared with a soft 'pop!' of air, and a beam of light began shining from the ceiling.

**RETURN TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING, SOLDIER. YOUR WORK IS NOT YET DONE.**

"So, it's returning me back to the regular world. Cool." Naruto stepped forward, and the world disappeared in a flash of light.

It was night when Naruto stepped out of the Pit.

"Damn. We've been gone a while." Naruto muttered. "I didn't think that took all that long."

"**Not to mention the last time you decided to kill yourself down there, it only took half an hour up here." **

"… So, time is seriously screwy down in that place. I'll need to remember that." He glanced downward at his side. "Hey! My injuries are gone! Sweet!"

"**That place rezzed you when you were chunky salsa. You thought it wouldn't fix your bones?"**

"True." Naruto leapt up into the trees. "Hey, fuzz-butt. If I had continued down to fight the Nibi, what do you think were the chances of me winning?"

"**Absolutely none."**

"Hey!" the boy protested. "You said the same thing about fighting the Shukaku, and look how that turned out!"

"**You have literally no chance of defeating the Nibi as you are now." **said the Kyuubi, as blasé as possible. **"She has power over the undead. She can wield hellfire as easily as breathing. And she's not a brain-dead berserker like the Shukaku was. She's smart; she can plan. You got lucky against the tanuki because of the properties of Sand and the sword. You had practically every advantage available to you right now, and you still got your ass kicked. You have none of those advantages against her, and you have absolutely no Water Jutsu to use against her fire. I could give you the power to defeat her, but the amounts you would need would tear your pathetic body to pieces." **

"…Right. Okay, then. So, no fighting the Nibi for a long time."

"**Exactly."**

"Whatever. We got a cool ring out of this whole thing." He fiddled with Kinkaze, grinning. "And I am hungry as a motherfucker! Ramen time!"

"**Kill me now…"**

* * *

One Day Later…

* * *

"Think Hinata's up and about yet?" Naruto wondered aloud as he squinted into a cookbook. "Damn, stir-fry veggies are hard to make…"

"**That's only because you can't cook for shit. Stir-fry veggies are stupid easy to make. The slut's probably kicked the poison by now. Why? You gonna go bang her?"**

"I figured I might go and see her and get our date rescheduled. Some of the less expensive restaurants might be open again, so we could probably avoid most of the construction crews."

"You know, talking to yourself is probably not a good habit to get into."

"AUGH!" Naruto whirled around, tossing the book at the source of the voice. Nothing was there. "Oh, fer- ero-sennin, I swear to god, if you don't show yourself, I will draw this sword and start hacking at the air randomly until I hit something! This thing will fuck you up!"

"Really now?" an invisible hand grabbed Mitsuhide's Blade by the sheath and lifted it away. Jiraiya shimmered into existence, peering at the handle. "This is the swordsman kid's sword, isn't it?"

"SHIT, GIVE THAT BACK!" Naruto screeched, jumping at it. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"

"Of course I do." Jiraiya said offhandedly. "When handling a potentially cursed blade, don't touch it except by the sheath. Never touch the blade or handle except by proxy. If you're trying to purify it, get away from people where you can go crazy fighting the blade's spirit. Standard procedure." Jiraiya said like there was a manual for this stuff.

"Oh." Naruto dropped his hands, embarrassed. "So, uh… how did you know it was cursed?"

"You weren't exactly subtle. You left bodies." Jiraiya slapped the blade down onto the table. "Half-ash cadavers killed by blade are rather distinctive and only Oto forces were killed, all near the arena. How'd the sword get cursed? That Mitsuhide kid seemed to have it vanilla."

"When I grabbed it from him, Kyuubi polluted it with his chakra." Naruto slowly put away his cookbook. "Now, when it's charged with his chakra, it's really sharp and will light whatever it cuts on fire. If somebody other than me tries to use it, it'll explode their hands."

Jiraiya's eyebrows shot up. "Yikes. All that, from less than a minute's contact? Impressive." He pulled a scroll from his pocket. "Of course, it's also way too dangerous for a rookie. I'm confiscating it."

"What? NO!" Naruto shouted like a teenage boy getting his porn access eliminated.

"Youshutsudohin Fuin! (Demonic Artifact Seal)" with a flash of blue light, the sword transformed into a cloud of blue mist and was sucked into the scroll. The scroll flashed red, and ink-black chains appeared on the paper. Jiraiya picked up the scroll, avoiding Naruto's grabby hands, and replaced it in his pocket. "Really, Naruto. What do you need a cursed sword for? You don't even know how to properly use a blade."

"W-well, that's why I was going to find a swordsman to train me!"

"Not with that thing, you aren't." Jiraiya pushed the boy back down into his seat. "You're lucky you haven't dropped this thing on your toe and lit your entire foot on fire. You've got to have a strong grasp of swordsmanship before you even CONSIDER cursed blades, and you certainly don't start out with one. If your swing is bad and you hit your teacher, you just lit him on fire and potentially killed him. You think you can get away with that?"

Naruto looked away. "… no. no, I couldn't get away with that."

"You start with blunt, cheap pieces of shit to train, work your way up to legendary pieces of shit, and THEN you get to use good swords. That's the way every swordsman learns." Jiraiya tussled his hair. "Cheer up, kiddo. Maybe later I'll set you up with another tutor."

"Later? Why not now?" Naruto asked, knowing full well what the answer probably was.

"We've got a mission to handle. The both of us." Said Jiraiya. "Or, rather, it's a mission for me, and I've decided to drag you along so I can keep training you. Pack up, kid, we're going on a road trip!"

"I don't remember agreeing to this…"

"WHAT?" Jiraiya gasped. "You think you could sign a man's summoning scroll and just walk away?" Jiraiya's eyes bulged out, horrified, before he glared. "OH, no. You've sassed me up. We are in THE SHIT now! Together, for the long haul!"

Naruto blinked. "I, what?"

"We're motherfucking entrenched in this bitch!" Jiraiya grabbed Naruto around the shoulders, jerking his thumb. "You and me! Welcome to Kumo, kid! Now shimmy your soggy ass off that muddy bank before Charlie gets the fucking drop!"

"I, what? Who, who's Charlie?"

"He's the guy who's gonna read us our vows!" Jiraiya leapt up onto the table, striking a pose while pointing at the boy. "I'm feeling pretty friggin' MATRIMONIAL all of a sudden! Take a look down," Jiraiya's finger drifted to the ceramics littering the floor from his outburst. "By your foot! See that little bottle? STOMP on that shit like it's on fire! Noisy ethnic dudes are flipping the fuck out and waving around on chairs until somebody gets hurt!"

Jiraiya lunged forward at Naruto, who screamed and only barely dodged. "I'm your 300-pound Matronly Freight-Train!" he roared, tearing his shirt off to expose his hairy chest, "and my gaping maw is hungry for coal, so get goddamn SHOVELING!"

"OH MY GOD!" Naruto screamed in horror. Kyuubi didn't say anything, on account of laughing too hard to breath.

"Boy, look me in the EYE!" Jiraiya grabbed Naruto by his shoulder and pulled him inches in front of his face. "That Twinkle? That be DEVOTION, you herniated weaboo's sweaty orange taint, sparkling like a visit from your fairy fuckin' godmother! Shit be PURE AND TRUE!" The insane sage threw Naruto to the side and threw his hands up. "That's what you see! A kaleidoscopic supernova of all your hopes and dreams, swirlin' together, radially eviscerating arms of more little boy peckers than you can imagine, turning out insane corkscrew haymakers of a billion dancing Forest Country sausages strong!" Jiraiya whirled around, pointing a finger at the Jinchuuriki. "THIS is how we do this! This shit's more real than instant ramen!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" he couldn't take it. With a scream of terror unlike anything the world had ever heard before, Naruto jumped straight out the window and plummeted to the streets below. With a perfect landing, he ran faster than he had ever run before all the way out of sight to the Forest of Death.

With a small smirk, Jiraiya pulled his shirt back on. "Heh. That'll teach him to disrespect me."

"**I like this hairless monkey. He has class."**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

* * *

One Hour Later…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"Oh, for god's sake, kid, I was messing with you! Stop running already, you'll hurt yourself like that!" Jiraiya said in exasperation as Naruto jumped through a glass pane.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

* * *

Several Hours Later…

* * *

"God-damn, kid, you scare easy." Jiraiya chortled as they pushed out onto the dirt roads. Naruto glared heatedly.

"It was the most TERRIFYING thing I've ever seen in my life!" Naruto shouted. And it was… just not for the reason Jiraiya thought it was. _'I seriously thought that he was gonna start spitting bugs in my face and summoning the world-ending darkness… I've had bad experiences with sudden shifts in out-of-character behavior.'_ Naruto thought shivering at the memory of his look at the end of the world.

"Right, right, I get it. No matronly freight trains and dream supernovas." He stalled, gazing confusedly forward. "Now what fresh hell is this?"

"Hinata?"

"A-ah, I'm sorry…" Hinata bowed low to the ground, the travelling pack on her back nearly toppling her over. "A-AH!"

"Hey!" Naruto pushed her back up. Hinata caught his eyes, blushed heavily, and looked away. _'This definitely isn't the new Hinata I saw before…'_ Naruto thought, peering at the Hyuuga girl. _'If anything, she's shyer than ever…'_

"Naruto, why is your girlfriend blocking the road?" Jiraiya asked, pulling a strange face.

"I dunno… Hinata, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be sweating out that poison from before?"

"I…" Hinata paused, before shoving a letter into Naruto's gut. "Th-this is for J-Jiraiya-sama…"

"Me?" Jiraiya strode forward. "If you were handing your boytoy a love letter, I'd understand, but me?" Jiraiya asked remembering some of the things that Orochimaru said this is how things started with Anko.

"Ero-sennin, stop talking like that!" Naruto shouted, pulling the scarlet red girl to his side. "Can't you see you're embarrassing her?"

"What, she's never heard talk like that?" Jiraiya scoffed, breaking the letter open. "Even by non-me standards, that's pretty tame language. And here my sources say that's the only talk girls that age will… ah, shit."

"What?"

"It's from her dad. That's never a good sign." The sage's eyes skimmed the letter. His eyebrows danced on his forehead at random intervals, before his eyes hardened. "That pompous jackass…" with a quick flick of his hand and a flash of seals, a white-hot coal spat from Jiraiya's lungs and lit the letter on fire.

"W-what…?" Hinata was shocked. "D-did the letter say s-something bad…?"

"The jerk asked me to train the girl in addition to you." Jiraiya rubbed the embers out with his foot. "And he wasn't too nice in asking."

"And…" Naruto pulled Hinata closer, who was shivering in shame. "That's a bad thing?"

"Well, for one, I've made it a solemn promise never to train girls again." said Jiraiya. "Too much undue righteous anger against my way of earning income, and too much hormonal drama that inevitably ends with their fist in my face, no matter what logical advice I say. Blame Mikoto for that one. Two, he wants me to treat her as an apprentice, when I've already got you, and having two full-on apprentices just isn't done. Three…" here he grimaced. "He invoked a name long-dead to me to convince me. One he has no right to use in this context."

"…Hizashi?"

"Right."

"Well, why's that a bad thing?" Naruto absently rubbed his girlfriend's shoulders. "If you trained one, why can't you do another?"

"What I did for Hizashi was unique, unprecedented, and done entirely for him." Said Jiraiya, leaning against a tree with his arms folded. "I was teaching a Hyuuga how to do his own family style better. They hated me for it, absolutely despised my guts that I had the gall to think I could do better than hundreds of years of tradition."

"… Then why is Hiashi asking you to do the same thing?" Naruto asked, confused. "What changed?"

"The Yondaime showed up and kicked everybody's ass." Jiraiya grinned, more than a little pride in his voice. "Everybody thought that one of the Sannin was going to be the fourth. When we all refused, they thought it was going to be Hiashi."

"Hiashi was in the running for fourth Hokage?" Naruto exclaimed.

"You wouldn't know it, after years of him sitting on his ass and playing politics, but he was a whirlwind on the battlefield in his prime. Hizashi was stronger, of course, but nobody would admit that because he was Branch family, and that would mean admitting I did what I set out to do."

The toad sage absently picked his nose. "So when my student, MY student, came out of nowhere and became the Yellow Flash, people, including the Hyuuga, perked up and listened. The Yondaime was proof that my training made powerhouses, made the strongest Hokage we'd had since the Shodai. I got a lot of requests for apprenticeships, with payments ranging from wheelbarrows full of pure gold, to warehouses of ancient treasures, to harems of lusty, nubile twenty-somethings. I turned them all down."

"…Why…?" Hinata murmured. "…why would you refuse…?"

"Because I'm not a whore." Jiraiya scowled. "I'm not a whore, and these people didn't get that. I didn't train the people I trained because they threw money at me, because they gave me things mankind hasn't seen in ages, or sated my incredibly large red-blooded urge to boink until I can't move. I trained the people I trained because I thought that they would be great, be legendary, if they were given a hard enough push in the right direction. So far, I haven't been proven wrong."

Naruto didn't miss the implicit statement about his own abilities.

"So when the Hyuuga family sent that kid to die as a scapegoat because they weren't smart enough to catch a spy alive, something any half-way competent ninja is trained to do, they meant it as an insult to me." Jiraiya scowled. "They were saying, 'this is what all of your fancy training got you. All your years breaking our taboos, all your time spent turning this man into a powerful ninja, and he died without so much as a whimper of protest, without setting a foot on the battlefield. All your fancy training, and he died like a dog.'" Jiraiya spat he just wanted to drop the biggest toad he could on the Hyuuga compound almost every time he saw it.

"That's why I won't train her." Jiraiya glanced at Hinata. "No offense to you, girlie, but fool me once…"

"…hate them."

"Eh?"

"…I hate them." Hinata whispered, barely louder than the breeze.

"Hinata…?" Naruto looked at the girl, no longer trembling in his arms.

"I… they told me I was worthless…" said Hinata, slowly standing straight. "They told me, I w-would be…"

"Hinata, you don't need to-"

Hinata shook her head. "Y-yes I do… I need to… I need to find that… that confidence I had, during the fight… I want to be that girl, again… I need to be that girl again…" she shuddered, and began again. "…They told me I… I would be b-branded, made a part of the Branch house… that Hanabi would be Heiress… that I was worthless…"

"…" Jiraiya simply stood there, watching the girl.

"I…" the girl blinked away tears. "I was so s-s-scared… what they did to Neji-kun… they'd do to me, b-because I was worthless…"

"B-but then, I met Naruto-kun… and he…" she blushed. "He was so brave, even though people hated him… and I thought… 'Maybe I could be like that…' and then, when the fight against the girl began… I believed in myself…"

"And you kicked her ass." Naruto declared, hugging her tight.

"I… I didn't even know how I did it…" Hinata looked away. "I didn't know… how to do the Kaiten, or the Hakke Rokujuyon shou… but, I did them… and I was able to protect the people I care about… and I was so strong, and happy, and proud of myself…"

"… Eh? You physically didn't know how to do those techniques?" Asked Jiraiya, a curious look suddenly on his face. "As in, you literally did not know how to perform those moves until then?"

"Y-yes…"

"Interesting…" Jiraiya nodded, stroking his chin. "And these newfound skills of yours rocked the boat, I take it?"

"Yes…" Hinata nodded, standing tall for the first time. "All the elders were talking about me… saying I wasn't a failure… saying I was a genius in disguise… saying my father hadn't failed after all…" her eyes grew hard. "Saying I was a worthy heiress…saying I was great… like I couldn't remember all the times I had been scared… all the times they told me, that I was good for nothing…"

"…" Naruto couldn't say anything he never knew Hinata had so much anger and frustration inside he just thought Neji bullied her for years.

"I hate them…" Hinata shuddered, this time not from shame but from anger. "I hate the elders… the ones who think they can control me like this… that my worth is based on my skills, and can throw me away like I'm nothing if I don't measure up… I hate them, more than anything I've ever hated before…"

"…you know, I'm starting to think that maybe Hiashi didn't send you to me for training at all." Jiraiya said finally, pushing himself up from the tree. "Nobody just suddenly 'gets' techniques like the Kaiten how you're describing it, especially with no training in it. That takes years of practice, and you did TWO techniques of that caliber flawlessly. I thought you'd been practicing under your genius cousin, but that's obviously not the case. Curious…"

"Wh… what do you mean?" Hinata seemed to shrink as Jiraiya stared down at her.

"It means, Hinata Hyuuga, that there is more than a little mystery about you, and Hiashi wanted an expert that wasn't under the Elders' thumb." Jiraiya circled around the girl, peering with a critical eye. "I probably know more about Hyuuga techniques than anybody outside of dedicated Taijutsu masters and actual Hyuuga, and given your circumstances, it's likely an expert seal master wouldn't be out of line."

"Stop talking in circles and explain everything, Ero-sennin!" Naruto shouted.

"I'm not going to explain shit unless I understand what's going on." Jiraiya stopped pacing. "And I'm not going to understand unless I take her with us, because the old farts that shadow-puppet the Hyuuga clan sure won't let me experiment on their prodigal daughter's sudden talent while she's still in their reach."

"Then…" Hinata looked up, shock in her eyes.

"With circumstances like that, and Hiashi's mention of his brother…" Jiraiya nodded, his eyes alight. "I get it now. He wants me to experiment with your newfound talent just like I experimented with Hizashi's fighting style! That sneaky bastard… they probably evaluated his mail before he sent it, so he talks in references. Very clever of him."

"So…"

"Alright, kid. Consider my curiosity piqued. We'll bring your girlfriend along."

"YES!" Naruto soundly kissed Hinata, who turned bright red.

"But since we're going co-ed now, I'm going to lay down some rules." The toad sage knelt down and pointed at Naruto. "ONE! You don't get to complain if I'm smacking her around in training. My work is effective, and good training ends with you covered in bruises. Same goes for you, girl. You complain about pain, you're hiking back home.

"TWO!" he directed the finger to Hinata. "You don't get to complain or lash out for any of my habits. Everything I do is for a reason, and a good chunk of it is how I make a living. Naruto can get away with it because he's a little piece of shit and I can always get him back later," here Jiraiya gave him a look that clearly referenced their previous 'encounter', "but any righteous female anger from you will earn you a swift boot back to Konoha."

"O-okay…" Hinata nodded.

"And most importantly…" he pointed at both of them. "THREE!" the old man's face grew stone-cold serious. Naruto gulped. He hadn't seen that face outside of battle.

"Y-yeah, ero-sennin?"

"If I wake up in the middle of the night to hear her screaming your name in your tent, I swear to god, I will come into that tent, I will coach you through all the dirty little details, I will take goddamn notes, I will turn those notes into another book, and I will publish that goddamn book to the world, names unedited. Understand?"

Steam burst from Hinata's ears. With a squeak and a sigh, the girl slumped to the ground in a dead faint.

"E-ERO-SENNIN!"

"IT'S A LEGITIMATE CONCERN! I KNOW HOW YOU TEENAGERS WORK!"

"EEEEEROOOOO-SEEEEENNIIIIIIIIIN!"

"**Have I said yet that I like this monkey-man? Because I do. I really, REALLY like this monkey-man."**

* * *

"Revenge… I will have my revenge… Revenge on THAT person… he will pay what he did to me…! When I find HIM, I will- AH! Mushrooms! Yes, sustenance… I must keep my strength up, if I'm going to defeat HIM…!"

"… Wait… Where the heck am I now?"

* * *

"So, girlie." Said Jiraiya, pushing the tempo of the three-man march as they approached the city. "Have you attempted those techniques you shouldn't be able to do since you got poisoned?"

"Ah… no, sir. I haven't." said Hinata.

Jiraiya laughed. "She called me Sir! Now that's respect for you! Why don't you ever call me Sir, Naruto?"

"Because I know you too much to give you any kind of respect?"

Jiraiya waved him off. "Bah. You'll come around. Anyways, back to you, girlie. When did you get this skill of yours? What changed?"

"I, ah…" Hinata twiddled her fingers. "W-well, I… In the fight, when I did these, things… I was r-really confident… more than I've, ah, ever been than I can remember…"

"Confident?" Jiraiya stroked his chin. "More than you can remember ever being before? That's… that could actually be something. And, when did this start? When did your confidence suddenly kick in?"

"Kakashi-san… h-he and I were…" Hinata looked away, blushing.

"I can answer this." Naruto cut in, shifting his pack. "Kakashi was talking with Hinata about us dating."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Then, somehow the conversation shifted into talking about something that Kakashi called a 'Yamato Nadeshiko', and how apparently Hinata might become one of these things."

"… Ichika and Yuna, in Volume 3." Jiraiya thumped his hand. "I knew that man had good taste in literature. Alright, this is good, this is really good. I think I might have something. Hinata, when you thought about this concept, did anybody come to mind?"

"…my mother…" Hinata nodded. "I didn't… know her, all t-that well, but… I remember, that she was kind…"

"That's what I needed to know." Jiraiya grinned, and then frowned. "Of course, I'm not certain at all how something like that would have happened spontaneously… all circumstances of spiritual evocation and possession I know of are very meticulously planned out, dozens of rituals and prayers, and definitely not without the host's knowledge, so that might not be the cause after all…"

"What are you mumbling about, Ero-sennin?"

"Nothing that concerns you!" said the old man. "But nevermind that! I've got something for the two of you!" the sage reached into his pack and pulled out a packer of thin papers. "Chakra papers, for the both of you. If I'm gonna be messing around with Hinata's un-talent, that might require messing with her chakra, so getting an affinity will help lower any growing pains."

"You already know what mine is, ero-sennin!" Naruto protested.

"I THINK I know what it is. These things sometimes surprise you."

"Ah…" Hinata held up her damp card. "It got wet…"

"Water. That's good. I'm an earth, so if you start talking backwards and summoning dead dreaming gods, I can easily suppress you." Jiraiya nodded.

"… You really think whatever's going on with Hinata is that bad?" Naruto asked, lowering the unchanneled chakra paper.

Jiraiya gave Naruto a hard look. "She performed techniques she doesn't know flawlessly. Her personality took a drastic 180. And she reacted to concepts used in passing. That sounds like there's some seriously weird shit going on with her, and anything that can do things like that can't be taken lightly. It's messing with the very essence of who she is, and I don't know what will happen when I kick that hornet's nest."

"…" Hinata shivered uncontrollably in place.

"Dammit, ero-sennin, will you tone it down for just one minute?" Naruto forcefully pulled the girl to his side, holding her to his chest. "When you're telling somebody you're going to be poking around in places that shouldn't be poked because something's wrong, you could at least phrase it more gently!"

"Pot, meet kettle. Anyways, what's your card say?"

Naruto picked up his card again and watched as it diced itself into tiny pieces. "That's wind, right?"

"Holy shit, kid." Jiraiya whistled. "I knew you had a strong wind affinity, but god-damn, that paper tore itself to shreds. I don't even know how Lightning was able to throw your chakra off at all, if it's that strong!"

"Yeah… imagine that." _'Probably because this ring super-charged my affinity.'_

"We'll have to take a look at that later on…" Jiraiya glanced up at the hustle and bustle straight ahead. "…But not right now, because now we're finding a place to stay. Help me find a hotel, will ya?"

"You're the adult here!" Naruto protested.

"It'll be easier if we all search on our own for a cheap price and meet up here. Otherwise, we can just-" Jiraiya froze mid-sentence.

"Eh? We can just what?" Naruto asked.

"H-hubba hubba!" Jiraiya panted. Naruto traced his line of sight to a woman at the side of a building, wearing a scandalously-put together kimono which only hinted at patches of flesh. She waved daintily at Jiraiya and giggled.

Naruto was about to scream and shout about going to whore himself out, when a patch of memory caught him. His eyes widened for a fraction of a second, before he settled back to normal. "Dammit, Jiraiya, she's not waving at you. No woman with her free will intact would ever wave and giggle at a pervy old man li-"

THUMP! "There''savailableattheWhiteLotusI'llcatchuplater!

WOWZA!" Jiraiya whooped as he charged headlong into the crowd.

"Dammit…" Naruto could only hope the sage caught his subtle hint as he hoisted Jiraiya's pack over his own. "Hinata, help me find this White Lotus, please?"

* * *

"D…does he always act like that?" Hinata asked as she slowly set down her pack. Naruto shrugged.

"You get used to it after a while. You don't ever stop giving him crap about it, but you come to expect that he's going to do stuff like this." he laughed. "Of course, he's one of the best teachers I've ever had, so I put up with a lot from him."

"You really like him, huh…?" Hinata said, smiling softly.

'_She seems a lot more confident than before. Is it because Jiraiya's gone?'_ Naruto shrugged. "I guess that's one way of putting it. So, there're two beds and a couch. Ero-sennin will probably force himself into the big one, so you can take the small one, and I'll take the couch."

"**There's a VERY different use for the big bed, fleshbag…" **the Kyuubi chimed in.

'_Not even considering it.'_

"**You could totally do it. She's too meek to say no. you could fuck her brainless until the old-"**

'_God-dammit, Kyuubi, I thought you were some kind of demigod force of evil, but the one thing you keep egging me on about is to have sex… with my GIRLFRIEND. Who has apparently loved me for YEARS. Aren't you supposed to be all about kicking the dog, instead of porking the poodle?'_

"…"

'_HA! I win!'_ Naruto could barely keep himself from doing a silly little dance as he unpacked.

"…**I have a legitimate excuse…"**

'_Oh?'_

"Naruto-kun?" Hinata spoke up again.

The boy glanced back up. "Yeah?"

"W-when Jiraiya-san was talking about… research… what d-did he mean?"

"**Oh, she is just ASKING for it now."**

'_Shut the hell up, you.'_ Naruto thought as he pulled at his face. "Urgh… the old pervert says he needs 'research' for his Icha Icha series, but that's just his code-word for peeping."

"…Icha Icha?" something Naruto couldn't identify crept slid into Hinata's expression.

'_Oh, god, don't make me explain this.'_

KNOCK KNOCK.

Naruto stiffened. Hinata looked to the door. "I-is that Jiraiya-san?"

"Hinata…" Naruto hissed. The girl turned back. "Don't say anything."

The girl's eyes filled with confusion, but she kept silent.

"Activate your Byakugan as quietly as you can…" Naruto glanced at the door. "And see if it's Jiraiya outside."

KNOCK KNOCK.

The Hyuuga girl nodded and formed the necessary seals. Her eyes widened. She slowly turned to Naruto and shook her head.

A lead weight dropped into the pit of Naruto's stomach. "Hinata… if these people are wearing black cloaks with red clouds… jump out the window, and RUN." Hinata's eyes shot open, and she began to speak. "No!" Naruto cut her off, keeping his voice as quiet as possible. "These people are dangerous. One of them is Uchiha Itachi."

Hinata went deathly still, her eyes fixed on the door.

KNOCK KNOCK.

"You sure this is the right room, Itachi?" said a voice through the door. Hinata bit her lip to keep from squeaking in fright.

"Run and find Jiraiya, Hinata. They're after me, and I can distract them for a while." Naruto pointed insistently at the window. "But Jiraiya's the only one who can fight them! Go!" he hissed softly.

"The innkeeper stated this was the room. The target is inside." A familiar voice spoke. A chill shivered its' way through Naruto's guts.

"…" Hinata slowly tiptoed to Naruto's side, tenderly gripping his hand and kissing his cheek. "P-please… s-stay safe…"

"Don't worry. Get out of here!" Naruto shouted quietly waving his hand for Hinata to get the fuck out.

Hinata jumped and crashed through the window.

"Dammit! That must have been him!" said the second voice. The door exploded in.

"FUUTON: REPPUSHO!" Naruto shouted as wind blasted from his hand.

Hoshigaki Kisame took the surprise attack straight to the face. With the roar of a freight train, the blast of air sent Kisame flipping ass-over-face, busting through seven different walls and out to the street.

"…HOLY SHIT."

"…You are much stronger than I had anticipated, Naruto-san." Said Itachi, staring at the many broken walls with wide eyes. "None of the reports indicated anything like this…"

'_Yeah… was that the ring's doing?'_ He thought, staring conflictedly at the fake(?) traitor. "Itachi…" Naruto began, biting his lip. "…why? Why are you working with Akatsuki? You're not a bad person… you spared Metsuki and Sasuke from your attack, and you were on village orders… so why are you doing this? Why are you working with an enemy of Konoha?"

"So Jiraiya is the source of your information, then…" Itachi glanced at the boy. "… Are my siblings alright?"

"Y-yeah, totally." Naruto nodded. "I've been protecting Sasuke. Orochimaru tried to take him, but I totally sent him packing. Metsuki's all grown up, became a Chuunin and everything."

"…Good." Itachi nodded. "Have you found the hidden room?"

"No… I looked, but I couldn't find it…"

"Just as well… without the Sharingan, you would not be able to understand what you see." Itachi glanced back at the hole. "Kisame will have recovered from your surprise attack soon, and because you know the truth about me, I will be brief. Akatsuki is a threat to the entire world, by planning to gather all of the Bijuu together. Our leader, a man named Pain, wishes to use that power as a deterrent against war, bringing about peace. But the true mastermind is far more sinister."

"Who?"

"He calls himself Tobi. He claims to be Uchiha Madara, and though I cannot be certain of this claim, he IS Uchiha, and he is truly powerful. He plans to-"

"RAAAAH!" Kisame roared as he leapt up through the hole. "I'll shave you into pieces, brat!"

"I'm sorry, Naruto-san." Itachi struck a fighting pose. "Protect my precious siblings for me. I will continue, as always, to be a loyal Shinobi of Konoha."

"I promise." Naruto formed his seal. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" the room filled with smoke. With a battle cry, 20 different Narutos leapt forward. The wrappings on Kisame's sword flew off, and a bloodlust-filled roar from Kisame precipitated a 'POOF!' of a third of the clones.

A flash of steel and swift hand-movements destroyed another 10. The remaining 3 glanced nervously at each other. Kisame grinned. "You've pissed me off, kid. If the real one steps forward and gives up, I'll only shave off your legs to the kneecaps."

"It's a futile effort, Kisame." Itachi picked up his thrown kunais. "The real one is no longer here."

"Shit!" one of the clones shouted, beginning another seal. Samehada destroyed him, along with the other two.

"Dammit, you're right." Kisame glanced at the broken window. "He's a slippery little shit."

"He will not have gotten far. Come, Kisame. We will find him again." the two leapt out the window with barely a sound.

* * *

Thirty seconds later, somebody else rushed into the room, panting. "Haah… haaah… I finally made it… It feels as if I've been travelling forever…" he looked up, and his eyes hardened.

"He escaped… the coward… still good at running away, I see…" a burning hatred filled his eyes. "I'll find you, somehow… and I'll make you PAY for ruining my life! You can't escape me! Today is the day that I send you to HELL!"

* * *

**"Nice work, pisspot." **Said the Kyuubi as Naruto raced away from the hotel. **"You just pissed off a half-shark demon with a cursed sword and an absolutely stupid amount of chakra. We are all in awe of your skill."**

"That guy's half-shark demon?" Naruto said, confused.

"**If he isn't, then that sword of his does more than just shave his enemies. I don't know what's worse."**

"Right… I can't fight him either way. Where's Jiraiya?"

**In a back alley, fucking that whore of his bow-legged?"**

Naruto bounded up onto the roofs, scanning the streets. "No, he came back with her Genjutsu undone last time, remember? He figured it out in time."

"**You asked for my opinion, and I gave it. OH SHIT GET OFF THE ROOF!"**

Naruto dove into the nearest window as the tiles underneath his feet exploded. "I'll find you, Brat!" yelled Kisame, leaping in after the boy.

"Only if you can catch me fi-"

WHUMPHCRASH.

Naruto sailed perfectly horizontal through the next three houses, and landed heavily in the plaza. Blood oozed from his every orifice. '… What is it with me lately about getting bitchslapped all over the place?'

"**You're an idiotic little nooksniffer, you know that?"**

'_What does that even mean?'_ Naruto thought as he pushed himself to his knees. Kisame landed with a cracking of tiles in front of him.

"**A very potent demonic insult is what it means. I'm fixing you as fast as I can, but unless you can escape this guy fast, you're fucked 8 different ways."**

"You know, this could have been a lot less painful if you'd just stayed in one place and let me shave your legs off." Kisame grinned his sharklike grin. "Now? I don't think arms are necessary to get you there, either."

"You… haven't won… just yet."

"You're right. I haven't." Kisame swung Samehada over his head. "You can still feel all your limbs."

"Fuuton… Reppusho!"

Naruto blasted himself straight up into the air.

"Dammit…" Kisame frowned, staring at his escaping prey. "He doesn't want to stay still, does he?"

'_Well, there's your escape.'_ Naruto thought. _'Can you do anything, or did I just make myself go splat?'_

"**Better, but you're still kind of fucked. Try cushioning yourself somehow, or redirecting your fall."**

"Kage Bunshin…!"

A handful of clones wrapped themselves around Naruto's falling body, not complaining a bit as the fall crunched their bones to mulch. The one clone that didn't dissipate piggybacked the original away. "Didn't we just do this?" the clone grinned.

"Kinda…" Naruto glanced back. "That fish-guy is still pissed, Jiraiya isn't here yet, and who knows where Itachi went, or what he's gonna do. How do we get out of this without dying?"

Naruto-Clone sighed. "… if Jiraiya doesn't show up soon, we might need to use the Rasengan."

"I don't think so."

"I know it might blow our cover, but it'd surprise the hell out of them, and surprise attacks are what get the job done."

Naruto opened his mouth to protest-

"HOLD STILL!"

"SHIT!" Naruto-Clone threw Naruto into an alley with all the strength he could muster, before being shaved in half by Kisame. With a smash of glass, the boy plunged through another window.

"You're out of luck, brat." Kisame smirked from atop the roof, out of sight from Naruto. "You put up a good chase, but you can't beat one of the Seven Swordsmen."

'_Can I stand?'_

"**Yes. Do it."**

With a grunt of pain, Naruto forced himself to his feet, and began channeling his chakra. "Zabuza would disagree with you…"

"Eh?" Kisame's smirk dropped. "What about Zabuza?"

"I've kicked his ass… twice." First, the sphere… "I beat him and his apprentice on my very first mission, to Wave."

"I don't believe you." Kisame scoffed. "More like that Kakashi guy did all the work."

"Oh, yeah?" then, the counterspin… "Then how about the second time I beat him, during the invasion? And this time, I killed him. I killed one of the Seven Swordsmen."

"… Nice stalling tactic, brat, but you're full of shit." Shouted the shark-man. "I could kick his ass any day of the week, but Zabuza was one of the best swordsmen I know. A rookie Genin couldn't kill him."

"Don't believe me?" with a final push of effort, the Rasengan was formed. Naruto reached into his pocket, and, with a quick twist, threw a scratched Mizu headband out the window. "That's his headband, Shark-face. He's got a grave outside the city, and I've got his big-ass sword in my house right now. I killed him." Well, two out of three was true, anyway.

"… You're not lying." Kisame's eyes were alight with a cold fury. "You'll pay for that."

"He died like a dog, shark-face. He screamed for me to not kill him as I ventilated his brain. I've got the sword that I snapped in half hanging on my wall right now." Now Naruto was lying straight out of his ass, but it gave him time to cock his hand back for the strike.

"I'LL SHAVE YOU INTO SLICES!" Kisame punched right through the wall, sword raised.

The door to the room flew open.

"RASENGAN!" with every pound of force left in his legs, Naruto jumped forward. The Spiraling Sphere hit straight in Kisame's gut. The barely-contained maelstrom exploded. Kisame blasted into the next building.

"Haaah…!" Naruto panted. "Hah…! Fuck you…! This is how Uzumaki Naruto does it… Bitch!"

"Naruto…"

Naruto felt his heart stop.

"Naruto…" Jiraiya was standing in the door, looking more shocked than the Genin had ever seen him. "You just…"

"God-dammit, now I'm really pissed!" Kisame shouted as he pushed himself upright, more or less unharmed. "You were supposed to be an easy capture, Kyuubi-brat! Will you just lie down and die already?"

"I trained him well, didn't I?" Jiraiya shouted, striking a pose.

"…Well, well. Jiraiya of the Sannin." Kisame grinned. "I guess we've been making a ruckus, if you're here and not with our distraction."

"Please! I'm better at getting women than they are at getting me!" said the Sannin. "I knew she was under a Genjutsu the moment I touched her!"

"Right. You're as good as they say." the swordsman readied his blade once more. "Then, let's fight, yeah?"

"Kisame…"

"Oh, there you are! about time you showed up!" said Kisame, glancing up at Itachi on the roof. "C'mon. Let's fight this guy."

"We're leaving." Itachi declared. "We will leave this situation for a later time.

"What? Really…?" the shark-man's face dropped. "If you're sure, Itachi. I really think we could take him, though…"

Jiraiya flipped a few handseals. "What makes you think I'm letting you get away from me?"

"…! Run!" Itachi shouted, leaping away; Kisame hot on his heels.

"Kuchiyose: Yatai Kuzushi no Jutsu!"

A toad big enough to blot out the sun suddenly appeared over the village, and fell right where Kisame and Itachi were leaping with a force to rattle every home and tree for miles around. Jiraiya gestured again, dispelling the technique.

"Dammit…" he sighed. Where the toad fell, a massive crater resided, but no Itachi-Kisame pancakes remained. They were gone.

'_So they escaped, again…'_ Naruto couldn't help but notice some recurring actions that happened no matter what life he was in. _'is this something that can't be changed?'_ "I guess we'll have to- URK!"

SLAM! Jiraiya's hand was clenched around the boy's throat, and the violent toss to the wall addled his already-confused brain.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Jiraiya roared.

"Wh- Ero-sen-" Naruto choked.

"WHO ARE YOU?" Jiraiya shouted again. "That technique is known only by a dead man and myself! You are not Naruto Uzumaki, because HE doesn't know that technique!"

"Ero-GHHCK! Ero-sennin, I'm- HAAGH- I'm me!" Naruto gasped out, unable to breathe.

"BULLSHIT!" Jiraiya flipped out a tag. "I didn't teach my godson that technique. Not yet! And I'm the only one left alive who knows that move well enough to teach it, so either YOU are an impostor wearing the skin of Uzumaki Naruto…" his eyes narrowed. "…or the same problem that is now plaguing Hinata Hyuuga."

"N-NO!" Naruto shouted. "P-Please, Jiraiya, I-I have an explana-AHCK!"

"Save your breath!" Jiraiya swung the sealing tag in his hand at lightning speeds.

Naruto didn't save his breath. Not for one word.

"PAUSE!"

Jiraiya froze, inches away from his head. The Jinchuuriki panted, still stuck in Jiraiya's grip.

"I don't…. want haaaaagh… to find out… heerrrrrgh!" Naruto flailed helplessly in the ice-cold hand. "To find out… what that tag does…"

"**Get out of there. You have the power."**

"Dammit… I know… I wanted… to save it… for something major…" he sighed. "Game Mod!"

The world once again drained of its' color. Naruto grabbed Jiraiya's hand and slowly pried it apart, making sure not to let go. "Haaaagh…" he gasped, breathing deep. "okay… since I guess the mod will fail as soon as I let go of him, I should do something to make sure he just doesn't freak out even more on me… do I have something to tie him up with…?"

"**He's probably strong enough to rip through any cloth in the room, and I'm not seeing any rope around." **Said the Kyuubi. **"You'll want something that will make him hesitate to use his full strength."**

"… THE CHAIN!" Naruto exclaimed, reaching into his pocket for a sealing scroll. With a rather awkward thumb-biting and swipe, the Demon Brother's serrated chain fell to the ground.

"**Oooh, I like that." **Kyuubi cackled. **"Tie him to a chair with that, and if he tries to force it it'll shred him to pieces! That's brutal!"**

"Don't make it sound like I WANT to do this, fuzz-butt…" Naruto grumbled, as he set about doing just that. With a final tug of the chain…

"UNPAUSE!"

"HGH!" Jiraiya flinched at the sudden contact of cold steel. "What?" the sage looked down at his bindings. "What- how did you-"

"Jiraiya-sensei, I have to ask you really fast not to move." Naruto said straight away, going as polite as he had ever been with the old man. "I didn't think there was anything here that would hold you long enough for me to explain myself, so I tied you up with a weapon I confiscated from some enemies on my first mission. It's really sharp, so if you move, it'll probably slice you up good. I really like you as a whole, non-sliced person, so can you please not move?"

Jiraiya went still. "… How did you do that?" Jiraiya said, glowering at the boy. "You escaped my grip and tied me to a chair, rather tightly," he wriggled against his bindings, "in less than the time it took me to blink. Not even the Yondaime was that fast."

"I, uh, well…" Naruto chuckled, awkwardly scratching the back of his head. "Well… I kind of bent the rules of the universe."

"…What?"

"Well… it's kind of hard to explain…" Naruto snapped up. "But, first! I just wanna say that I'm not an imposter, and I'm not some kind of demon, or brain-parasite, or ghost, or whatever the hell you think is wrong with Hinata! I'm 100 percent Naruto… just, different."

Jiraiya's eyes widened. "…! You're a time traveler! You're a time traveler, aren't you?"

"Wh-" Naruto blinked. "How did you figure THAT out so quickly?"

"Time travel has always been in the realm of possibility for expert seal-masters." Said the sage. "It just requires an amount of chakra that is beyond the physical capabilities of mere mortal humans. To do anything like that, you'd need the help of a god… or a living chakra battery, like the Kyuubi." Jiraiya relaxed in his bonds, now calmer after solving the mystery. "Besides, there are records that show people have come back before to change things when things have gone FUBAR before, and they usually became some of the greatest heroes of the pre-village world.

"Alright, kid. I don't entirely understand the situation, but this would explain a LOT of the questions I've had about you since I've began teaching you. I think I know enough not to slap you with an exorcism tag, I guess. So, mind letting me out of this? It's really cutting into me."

"… A time LOOP?" Jiraiya exclaimed, eyes bulging out of his skull. "But- But- the power to- that would take-"

"Kyuubi had about the same reaction when I told him." Naruto laughed. "Did you know that before I told him that I was stuck in this thing, Kyuubi's mind wasn't coming back with me? He kept resetting to his default 'destroy all humans' mentality."

"Th-that's…" Jiraiya shook his head. "Kid, you may not realize it, seeing as you're not into the seal-crafting business outside of making your own exploding tags – which, by the way, I'm very impressed with, that takes a lot more skill than you'd think – the sheer impossibility of you being stuck in a stable time loop. Simply going back in time ONCE requires the aid of some supernatural being, more often than not a god or a Bijuu. For you to come back 11 TIMES, all when you've already died… that practically needs the entire power of the UNIVERSE to keep something like that going!"

"… Kyuubi kind of said the same thing." Naruto looked disconcerted. "He said that it probably meant that I was meant in my life to do a lot more than just become Hokage."

"You THINK?" Jiraiya scoffed. "Every time you die and are reborn as a kid, the world you just left probably is used to feed that transformation, because something like this would take the death of the universe to power. There's a HELL of a lot more in your future than just Hokage."

"… The universe I leave… dies?" repeated Naruto, looking fairly nauseated.

"That's the only way I can explain how this is happening." Jiraiya sighed, pulling at his face. "… But, before, you said this was a weird time-loop. How?"

"W-well, It's… kinda styled like a video game."

Silence.

"… How?"

"Well, I level up when things happen, like fighting significant enemies. I jumped three levels when I beat Zabuza the first time. There are things called stats that physically alter my body, like strength and intelligence. I can save my progress at certain points so that I don't have to respawn all the way back as a baby-"

"…You're shitting me on that last one." Jiraiya breathed.

"…No?"

Jiraiya slumped back down into his chair, the color draining out of his face.

"I-is there something wrong with that?"

"It…" he trembled. "It means that things are very, VERY wrong."

"H-how?"

"To be able to switch between points of respawning like that, means it's not your universe that's dying to power this thing." Jiraiya looked at Naruto as if he had seen the specter of Death. "It means that there are other universes out there, already dying, and this thing is feeding off of this reaction. It means that something has gone so far past FUBAR that there is now, somehow, a MULTIVERSE, and it's these infinite new universes that are dying to power your stable time loop. THAT is how bad things are if you can respawn at different points in time."

"…" Naruto slumped to the ground. "N-n-no way…"

"It means…" Jiraiya looked at the boy in a new light. "That something has gone terribly wrong in the realm of existence, and you've been chosen to fix it. You've got to put existence right."

"B-but!" Naruto shouted, leaping to his feet. "I'm just a Genin! I mean, I'm gonna be the Hokage and all, but there HAS to be somebody better qualified than I am! Like – like you! You're one of the strongest people I know! You'd be better for this – this, fixing reality job than I am!"

"But how do you know that it was strength you were chosen for?" Jiraiya asked. Naruto froze. "How do you know you were chosen for your ability to kick ass and take names? How do you know that it wasn't based on your hair color, or who you are friends with, or who you could become? How do you know it wasn't based on something so superficial… or, maybe, something much deeper?"

"I… I don't…"

"Exactly." Jiraiya stood. "We don't know at all why you were chosen, not without talking to whoever did the choosing in the first place. And regardless of why, you got picked, kid. So you know what?" he smiled, widely. "That just means that we have to train you to become the best damn ninja in existence, so you can go SAVE existence."

* * *

Chapter 18 End

* * *

And now, a word from the Co-writers:

Hey, guys. Sorry about the wait. We actually intended to have this chapter be, like, twice as long as this, but we decided that it's been too long since we updated.

_We got busy with a few things over these last few months but hey the chapter is here. We would have made it longer but the next scene kind of sucked so we just decided to cut it off here._

*glare* it wasn't that terrible! It was just… not as funny as I'd hoped it would be. It's still a work in progress!

_Dude you messed up Sasuke high on shrooms and acting like – _

Dammit, Majin, spoilers!

_You're changing it aren't you, so it's not spoilers if it might not happen like that in the next version. _

No! No spoilers about what isn't written yet! That's the rule, even if I can't write that comedy gold mine the way I want it to.

So, summer is here! And with that, freedom from both college and high school! And with that free time, comes more time to work on writing the next chapter!

_So what does this mean we'll have something out quicker than half a year later I mean this is a really shitty update schedule we're setting. *Majin says as he swings excaliblog around with a cruel smile*_

…I'm not even going to pretend I know what Excaliblog is. But yeah, let's be optimistic about the next chapter. That is, if Dawnguard and Toonami don't get in the way.

_Awwwww yeah Toonami's back bitches, watch it all the time to make sure it doesn't get cancelled again!_

Hey, Majin… how big are them titties?

_This is MHX,_

And The Animaniac Dude,

_Saying thank you for not reading Yaoi._

Oh, and for reading our story. That too. Review, fave us, alert us, all that jazz.

* * *

Now for something completely different

PetitionCopy, sign and post

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Majin Hentai X


	19. False Truth and Fanservice

Sooner than expected but never quite fast enough.

MHX unleashes the Wrath of Chapter 19

I have no copyrights to my name as of yet so I claim no ownership of the materials used in this story they belong to the original authors.

MHX pulled the trigger and a thousand blazing bolts of energy fired from his artillery in a cone at the Kryptonian. Who dodged with just enough speed to make it somehow boring before he flew at MHX with a fist reared back.

"Normal Speech" "Gotcha dumbass!" MHX shouted as the man of steel's fist passed right through the false image and with a 'splutch' his sword pierced the alien's back.

'_Thoughts' 'My only regret is dying a virgin'_ We the first and last true thoughts to pass through Kal-El's mind as he turned to ashes leaving nothing but his cape. Nixon approached MHX slowly clapping wiping his shoes on his fallen allies remains.

"**Greater Beings Speaking/thinking" "Good job you filthy hippie you just murdered an illegal immigrant."** Nixon chuckled in that way only a person who has ordered a genocide can.

Techniques Being used "Fuck off Nixon Alpha Strike!" MHX shouted as he blurred forward before breaking into a baker's dozen of after images all holding their swords at the ready before converging on Nixion. He just stood there letting the false attacks phase through him until he pulled out his hands which morphed into feral claws that caught MHX's balde before it could strike him.

"**I've seen this before and Nixion don't fall for the same trick twice!"** The man howled as his claws broke MHX's sword sending the author rolling backwards through the air.

"Your tougher than I thought by I went have this fight be any other way." MHX declared focusing his authoric powers into his bdoy even and Nixon began to grow larger and more lupine.

* * *

Chapter 19: False Truth and Fanservice

* * *

"Hinata!" Naruto exclaimed as the heiress came into sight. With a flinch and a squeak, Hinata was enveloped in a tight hug. "Hey. You okay?"

"Y-y-yes, I…" Hinata sighed, relaxing into the boy's grip. "I'm fine, Naruto-kun… a-are you okay?"

"I…" No he wasn't. Every single fiber of his being was screaming to run into the corner of a room and recreate the fetal position while he tried to contemplate having to save the very idea of Capital-E-Existence. "… I think I'm okay, I guess…"

"Welp." Jiraiya said, standing over the two of them. "This just kicked things into a whole new gear. If we've got missing-nin on that level chasing us, we're going to have to really amp up the training. You're okay with that, girlie?"

"I…" after a moment, Hinata nodded. "O-okay, Jiraiya-sama."

"Good! Because you don't have a choi-"

"PREPARE TO DIE, NARUTO UZUMAKI!" somebody screamed. With barely a moment to react, Naruto jumped to the side as something struck the ground where he had just stood. The gravel exploded into a thousand pieces, throwing Hinata far out of range.

"What the- Sasuke?!" Naruto exclaimed. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Taking revenge!" Sasuke pointed his strange new weapon at Naruto. "Because of you, Naruto Uzumaki… I'VE SEEN **HELL!"**

"… I'm not even going to pretend I understand what's going on." Jiraiya commented, standing far out of the blast range. "Naruto, mind telling me why the youngest of the Uchiha Three is wearing yellow tiger stripes and is swinging a weighted umbrella around?"

"Your guess is as good as mine!" Naruto scrambled to his feet. "Sasuke, why don't you just calm down and-"

"Not while my honor is at stake!" Sasuke shouted. "PREPARE TO DIE!" Sasuke leapt forward, swinging the umbrella like a baseball bat.

It missed Naruto's head by inches… and shattered the wooden wall of the nearby house like glass.

"HOLY SHIT!" exclaimed Naruto, leaping over the Uchiha's head. "There's no way Sasuke's THAT strong! Jiraiya, help me out here!"

"This is a duel, you coward!" exclaimed the raven-haired boy, reaching for his suddenly-yellow-tiger-striped headband. "You can't bring your lackeys in while we fight! And STOP RUNNING AWAY!"

"NO!" shouted Naruto right back. "Not while you're being a freaky idiot!"

"SO BE IT!" Sasuke flung his suddenly spinning headband at Naruto. The cloth armament sliced off the boy's left sandal, missing his foot by the breadth of frog's hair.

"AGH!" Naruto fell to the ground, clutching his intact foot. "THE FUCK, Sasuke!? How did you-?! You nearly cut off my FOOT!"

"That's what a duel is! You fight for your life to defend your honor!" Sasuke shouted. Naruto froze.

"… Sasuke. You still have your headband on."

"What does it matter?!"

"But you just threw your headband at me. It just cut off my left sandal."

Sasuke growled. "Stop distracting from the duel! FIGHT ME, NARUTO UZUMAKI!" with that, he charged with the parasol once more; Naruto jumped away just as quickly.

"JIRAIYA!" Naruto shouted to the inert teacher. "HELP ME!"

"You sure?" Jiraiya said, glancing at the Uchiha boy. "Most people get ticked when a duel gets interrupted. Honor and all that, like this kid's going on about."

"Yeah, but this isn't Sasuke!" Naruto shouted. "It's a Glitch!"

"… This Game of yours has Glitches?" Jiraiya said, suddenly tracking the Uchiha intently.

"Yeah! It's happened before! Stop him, or it'll get really bad really soon!"

"Enough talk!" Sasuke shouted, throwing the umbrella through a house. "Since you refuse to hold still and fight fairly, I will hold back no longer!" he struck a crouched pose, holding his hands together… "Shi…! Shi…! Hokud-"

"Right, enough of that."

CRACK!

Sasuke fell to the ground, unconscious. Jiraiya lowered his chopping hand. "I was wondering why this kid was acting so weird. A Glitch, you say?"

"Yeah…" Naruto sighed, relieved. "It happened once before, in Wave. Haku, one of the ninjas hired to protect the bad guy, wouldn't stop switching genders between my deaths. When I finally called her on it, the world basically ended in the most terrifying way possible. I still don't know how I survived."

Jiraiya pulled out the length of chain. "Any other instances?"

"Uh…" he scratched his chin. "I… I think, maybe… I'm not sure if I dreamed this or not, but, there was this one time, during the prelims, where Sakura suddenly went full-out psychopath on Hinata in her fight. I thought she was going to stab her eyes out with a kunai, but suddenly, the fight was over, Hinata had won, and Sakura was looking confused as hell."

Jiraiya's eyes lit up. "That's it. That's what I wanted to know. Somehow, there's a Glitch that gives drastic personality changes and skills they shouldn't be able to have." with a final tug, Sasuke was prone on the ground, unable to move. "Sasuke and Hinata are probably infected with this thing, whatever it is."

"Hinata? But…" Naruto bit his lip, looking over to see the Hyuuga heiress running pell-mell to them. "It… it makes sense, I guess, but… she seems fine…"

"Well, obviously her glitch got fixed, somehow." The toad sage looked up to the sky. "It makes me think you're not quite alone in this thing."

**FLASH!**

The world bled into sepia-tone. "Whoa… no black and white." Naruto blinked. "That's different."

"The hell?" Jiraiya whipped around, staring at the lack of color. "What just happened?"

"Wha- Ero-sennin?! How are you still-?"

**CONGRATULATIONS!**

"The fuck is this?!" Jiraiya squawked.

**YOU, [Jiraiya Of The Sannin], HAVE JUST BEEN SELECTED FOR AN OPPORTUNITY TO RECEIVE A WONDERFUL NEW OPPORTUNITY!**

"It's talking to you?!"

"It's talking to me!?"

**YOUR SKILLS AND TEMPERAMENT MARK YOU AS A POTENTIAL CANDIDATE FOR DEBUGGER STATUS! **

"… Debugger." Jiraiya stroked his chin, eyes narrowed. "I… I see, I think. Whoever runs this thing wants me to work for them. From that name, I assume they want me to deal with problems like Sasuke and your Haku friend."

"But…" Naruto whipped back and forth between the letters and the man. "But, how…?! Why is this…?!"

"Didn't I already say, Naruto, that this thing requires a lot more than just a few gods to maintain this thing?" Jiraiya glanced back at the message. "This is a massive undertaking. They wouldn't just set this thing going and then just let you wander off. Whoever set up this Cascading Death of universes to power your time loop is obviously keeping a close eye on you. And if they've got Glitches like Sasuke and Haku, then they're having some serious issues keeping it stable."

"That's… bad, right?"

"Horrendously. Imagining a stable Cascading Death of universes is horrifying enough to me. An UNSTABLE Cascading Death?" he shuddered. "There's a reason that technique is attempted only by master sealcrafters; messing up one piece of a Cascading Death setup will, at the VERY best, destroy an entire minor village, and god help you if somebody tries to sabotage it to make the WORST happen. Setting something like that to run on a universal level…" he roughly hugged himself, rubbing his arms furiously. "There is something SERIOUSLY wrong with the cosmos if we've hit the CD Threshold for Existence."

**IN EXCHANGE FOR SERVICES RENDERED, FOR BOTH PREVENTATIVE AND CURATIVE EFFORTS AGAINST SYSTEMIC ANOMALIES, FABULOUS REWARDS AND BONUSES AWAIT YOU!**

"… Oh, what the hell. Oi!" Jiraiya called out to the words, lowering his hands. "I don't wanna talk to some automated printout. This job means dealing with dangerous threats to reality, and I wanna know exactly what I'm getting into before I sign on."

"Jiraiya?"

"Trust me, kid. I know what I'm doing… I hope." Jiraiya looked back up. "I know you're paying attention right now, whoever you are! You're watching to see if I take the job and make your job easier. I'm considering it, but I want to know the fine print before I agree. Turn the auto-respond off and talk to me yourself!"

Silence.

"Ero-sennin, are you sure this is a good idea?" Naruto asked.

"No clue… yeah, you're right, this wasn't a smart idea. Dammit, they're going to smite me from the face of the earth now, aren't they?"

**FUNNY. BEEN A WHILE SINCE SOMEBODY ON THE MORTAL SIDE OF THINGS BACKTALKED TO ME.**

"HOLY-!" Naruto shrieked.

"Oh. I was right." Jiraiya sounded surprised, despite his confident words. "And you are…?"

**SYSADMIN HERE. WHAT DID YOU WISH TO KNOW, JIRAIYA OF THE SANNIN?**

"Why are there Glitches, and why do you need a mortal to deal with them?"

**SOME OF THAT INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED. SUFFICE IT TO SAY THAT OTHER SITUATIONS WORKING AT CROSS-PURPOSES REQUIRE A LARGE AMOUNT OF ATTENTION. SYSTEMIC ANOMALIES TEND TO FORM FROM SAID CROSS-PURPOSES THAT ARE SIMPLY MISSED DUE TO PRIORITIZATION.**

"The technospeak doesn't confuse me, you know." Jiraiya crossed his arms. "'Cross-purposes' means somebody's sabotaging you. Somebody's screwing with your Cascading Death, and the Glitches are the result. You're too busy trying to keep the whole thing from falling down around your ears, and the Glitches get ignored."

**BELIEVE WHAT YOU WILL. ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW IS THAT THE TOP-DOWN VIEW WILL ON OCCASION MISS PROBLEMS IN THE SYSTEM. A GROUND AGENT IS USEFUL IN FINDING THE SYSTEMIC ANOMALIES THAT SLIP THROUGH THE CRACKS.**

"Right…" Jiraiya clearly didn't believe it. "What's the scope of issues I'll have to deal with? How bad will things get if I get called in?"

**SYSTEMIC ANOMALIES CAN RUN THE GAMUT FROM MOSTLY HARMLESS, TO POTENTIAL SERVER-WIDE CRASHES. MANY OF THE MOST DEADLY ISSUES WILL BE DEALT WITH DIRECTLY ON THIS END, BUT PHYSICAL AVATARS MAY MANIFEST DURING EVENTS SUCH AS THIS, AND WILL NEED TO BE DEALT WITH ON THE LOCAL LEVEL.**

"You mean he'll have to fight a Kyuubi-clone?!" Naruto exclaimed.

"What?"

"During the Haku thing, right before everything died, another Kyuubi came out of nowhere and started tearing shit up. He went away when the entire world got sucked into this void thing, but I really think it was exactly like another Kyuubi."

"Shit! Is this true?!"

**THE INCIDENT THAT NARUTO UZUMAKI REFERENCES IS SOMEWHAT UNIQUE, DUE TO HIS STATUS AS THE PLAYER CHARACTER INTERFERING WITH THE MANIFESTATION OF THE ANOMALY, BUT ULTIMATELY, IT IS RATHER REPRESENTATIVE OF A WORST-CASE SCENARIO. NOT ALL PHYSICAL AVATARS WILL BE ON THE SCALE OF A BIJUU, BUT SUCH ENEMIES WILL NEED TO BE DEALT WITH IN ORDER TO QUARANTINE THE 'GLITCH'. **

**ON THE SMALLER SCALE, SOME OF THE MORE COMMON SYSTEMIC ANOMALIES YOU WILL BE CALLED ON TO DEAL WITH ARE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPROBABILITIES, PHYSICAL REPRODUCTION, UNPROMPTED SUBROUTINE ACTIVATIONS, AND UNPROMPTED STORYLINE ANOMALIES.**

"… I'll assume I'll learn what those terms mean if I take the job."

**CORRECT.**

"Okay then… ignoring the possibility of having to fight a Bijuu on my own…" Jiraiya clapped. "Rewards were mentioned. What kind of gifts are you offering?"

**I ASSUME MONEY IS NOT WHAT WILL SWAY YOU. THE MINDS OF MORTALS ARE SACROSANCT, SO ANY REQUEST TO DIRECTLY CHANGE THE ACTIONS OF CERTAIN MORTALS THROUGH SYSADMIN ACTIONS ARE COMPLETELY OFF THE TABLE. YOUR ACTIONS CAN BE AUGMENTED TO CONVINCE OTHERS, BUT THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS WILL NOT BE DICTATED.**

"So you're not offering me women, or willing slaves." Jiraiya nodded. "Seems fair. And yes, I earn more than enough currency through my own actions. Then what ARE you offering that you think I'd care about?"

**WHAT YOU ARE BEING OFFERED IS KNOWLEDGE, SUPERHUMAN ABILITIES AND FANTASTICAL ITEMS WITH ENCHANTMENTS THAT CANNOT BE REPLICATED THROUGH HUMAN MEANS, AS WELL AS THE ABILITY TO FOLLOW NARUTO UZUMAKI ON HIS JOURNEY THROUGH THE SERVERS.**

"Pardon?" Jiraiya blinked rapidly. "Servers? You're talking about the Multiverse, correct?"

…**THAT IS AN APT NAME FOR ONE ON YOUR END OF THE EQUATION. I RATHER LIKE IT. YES. WHEN NARUTO UZUMAKI TRAVELS THROUGH THE MULTIVERSE, YOU CAN TRAVEL WITH HIM. UNDERSTAND, THOUGH, THAT YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF YOUR MULTIVERSE COUNTERPART; TO DO THAT REQUIRES RUNTIMES THAT CANNOT BE ACHIEVED WITH THE CURRENT AMOUNT OF INSTABILITY IN THE MULTIVERSE. THEREFORE, SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS MUST BE TAKEN TO PREVENT PARADOXES FROM ARISING FROM YOUR ACTIONS. YOUR PRIMARY OBJECTIVE WOULD ALSO BE TO FUNCTION AS DEBUGGER; YOUR ASSISTANCE TO NARUTO UZUMAKI WOULD BE COMPLETELY SECONDARY TO DOING THE JOB YOU ARE ASSIGNED. **

"So, if I take the job, I have to avoid crossing paths with my Multiverse self or any place he'll have business, and I have to put doing this job ahead of teaching Naruto." Jiraiya folded his arms, staring at the words. "Seems like an awful lot of conditions for something that's supposed to be a reward."

**WOULD YOU RATHER BE FROZEN IN TIME, UNABLE TO PREVENT THE COLLAPSE OF THE MULTIVERSE?**

"So there IS someone sabotaging you."

**THAT INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED.**

Jiraiya scoffed. "And when does it get DE-classified?"

**WHEN YOUR CURRENT AVATAR IS PERMANENTLY STABILIZED. **

"Eh?"

**WHEN YOUR CURRENT AVATAR IS UNEQUIVOCALLY GUIDED ONTO A MORE STABLE FUTURE, ONE THAT 100 PERCENT CAN NO LONGER BE DERAILED ONTO THE WORST CASE PATH OF ANNIHILATION, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, THE AVATAR IS CONSIDERED STABILIZED. ONLY WHEN THIS AVATAR IS CONSIDERED STABLE WILL THE INFORMATION YOU SEEK BE GIVEN TO YOU.**

"… and how long will this take, to permanently put the world on a better path?" Naruto asked. "Is this going to take our entire lives?"

**NO. THROUGHOUT EACH AVATAR, THERE ARE FOCAL POINTS, POINTS WHERE THE TIMELINE IS HINGING ON. IF CERTAIN CONDITIONS ARE MET AND THE FOCAL POINTS COME TO PASS, THEIR OUTCOMES DECIDE THE DIRECTION OF THE CURRENT SERVER'S FATE. IT IS ALSO A FACT THAT EACH AND EVERY FOCAL POINT, IF ACTIVATED AND NOT INFLUENCED BY YOUR ACTIONS, WILL AUTOMATICALLY HAVE AN OUTCOME LEADING TO DESTRUCTION. **

**ALL OF THIS IS ENTIRELY WITHOUT FACTORING IN SYSTEMIC ANOMALIES, WHICH ARE HIGHLY LIKELY TO EXACERBATE ANY SITUATION TO COME OF THEM. IF YOU FAIL, WHETHER THROUGH INACTION OR INABILITY, THE SYSTEMIC ANOMALIES CAN BE COUNTED ON TO MAKE THE RESULTING SITUATION EVEN WORSE THAN IT WOULD HAVE BEEN.**

"… Oh." Naruto paled.

Jiraiya wasn't looking too hot either. "I… see. That's why you need me… or rather, people to debug."

**CORRECT. SHOULD NARUTO UZUMAKI FAIL AT A FOCAL POINT, A DEBUGGER CAN HELP PREVENT SYSTEMIC ANOMALIES FROM CONTORTING THE NEW SCENARIO ANY FURTHER TOWARDS A 'BAD END', AND CAN THEREFORE ALLOW THE PLAYER CHARACTER TO TRY AGAIN AT A DIFFERENT FOCAL POINT TO FIX THE SITUATION. **

"… Why me?" Jiraiya asked, suddenly looking unsure. "Why either of us, for that matter? Why are we getting chosen for this, instead of other people? I mean, I'm good, I'm REALLY good, I'm one of the best for that matter, but there are probably people out there that are more qualified for this. And Naruto's nothing but a Genin at this point. Why us?"

**NARUTO WAS CHOSEN FOR CLASSIFIED REASONS. YOUR REASONS, HOWEVER, ARE SIMPLER IN COMPARISON.**

"Which are?"

**YOU HAVE A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH NARUTO UZUMAKI, WHICH EASES THE PROCESS OF INDUCTING YOU INTO SERVER RUNTIMES. IN ADDITION, YOU ARE SKILLED, BOTH IN COMBAT AND IN THE INNER WORKINGS OF THE UNIVERSE, THAT WHICH YOU CALL 'SEALCRAFTING'. YOU ARE AN OPTIMAL CHOICE FOR BEING INDUCTED AS THE FIRST OF THE HUMAN SERVANTS. **

**IN ADDITION, YOU HAVE A GOOD PERSONALITY. THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOUR ACTIONS CAN BE QUESTIONABLE, BUT THERE IS NEVER A POINT IN TIME WHERE YOU ARE NOT DEDICATED TO DOING WHAT YOU BELIEVE IS RIGHT. THAT KIND OF MENTALITY IS USEFUL TO HAVE IN THE SENIOR MEMBER OF THE SUPPORT STAFF.**

"… Senior member?" Jiraiya blinked. "Wait, Support STAFF? There's gonna be more? Are you making me in charge of them or something?"

**IN A SENSE, YES. YOU WILL BE THE ARBITER OF THE SUPPORT STAFF'S ACTIONS, AND THE ONE TO DISPENSE PUNISHMENT IN CASES OF MISCONDUCT FROM ANY UNRULY MEMBERS. ULTIMATELY, THOUGH, YOU ANSWER DIRECTLY TO SYSADMIN. DO YOU ACCEPT THE POSITION?**

"… Dammit, you've really got me over a barrel, don't you?" Jiraiya groaned. "Tell me I'm needed to help save the universe, then flatter my ego and tell me I get to be head honcho in this new gig. Fine. I accept the position."

**THEN THE PACT IS STRUCK.**

Jiraiya screamed as his body was engulfed in blinding light. "ERO-SENNIN!" Naruto shouted, leaping forward. An invisible hand swatted him away, sending him crashing to the ground.

**YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LIVE YOUR LIFE FREELY IN THE STANDARD AVATAR, AS THAT IS YOUR ORIGIN SERVER; YOU ARE ALSO GIVEN MORE FREE REIGN IN PERMANENTLY STABILIZED UNIVERSES, AS WELL, AS SYSTEMIC ANOMALIES CAN NO LONGER FIND AS EASY OF A PERCH IN THAT SERVER. YOUR BODY HAS BEEN IMBUED WITH OUR ESSENCE; YOUR VERY CORE WILL REACT TO SYSTEMIC ANOMALIES BECAUSE OF IT. AS LONG AS SYSTEMIC ANOMALIES ARE ELIMINATED, YOU CAN DEAL WITH THEM IN ANY FASHION YOU WISH. GOOD LUCK.**

The world faded to color. Jiraiya collapsed in a boneless heap, completely unconscious.

"J-Jiraiya-sama!" Hinata exclaimed, running to the Sannin's side. "Naruto-kun, w-what happened?"

"… Some really weird shit is what happened." Naruto growled. Three different clones 'poof'ed into being. "Hinata, help these two carry ero-sennin. We'll cover Sasuke." With a groan of effort, the two clones began lifting the sage's dead weight.

"Naruto-kun… where are we going?"

'_I don't know.'_ "… To get a new hotel room, of course."

Several Hours Later…

Naruto lay sleeping on the hotel couch, tossing restlessly underneath the thin blanket. "…nnhn… nnnn…! NO!" Naruto whirled off the couch, thumping loudly on the floor. "GAH! … Dammit…"

"**Dammit, how many nights is this now?" **said the Kyuubi. **"You will just not fuckin' get over it, will you?" **

Naruto glanced up to the single bed in the room. Jiraiya was still asleep, just as he was ever since they dragged him into the hotel. His eyes slid to the clock. 1:36 in the morning. He groaned.

"Fuck you…" Naruto whispered. "I'm not a heartless bastard like you are. There's this little thing called 'guilt' regular people feel."

"**We've already been through this shit before." **Kyuubi yawned. **"If I have to suffer another month of ruined sleep while you work out your feelings about ANOTHER bitch you screwed over, I'm gonna-"**

"Oh, shut up." Naruto pulled himself back onto the couch. "You don't know anything."

"**I know that your interaction with the Oto girl was no more than 30 minutes, combined, with every single meeting you ever had. You could spend more time with a hooker than you did with her. She is literally nothing to you."**

"She still trusted me."

"**So WHAT? She attacked a vastly superior enemy. She knew information about the enemy ringleader. You want the information she's not giving up. There is NO OTHER WAY that situation could have ended. So what if she trusted you? Did she think trusting the ENEMY she KNEW she was going to help ATTACK was at all a smart idea?"**

"Fuck you… fuck you with a rusty rake…" Naruto blocked out the fox's ranting, hoping to get a few more hours of sleep… but, just like there was the past few days, Kin's eyes were staring at him in his dreams, accusing him… blaming him…

With a sigh, Naruto pulled himself to his feet. "Might as well start training… where'd I put those leg weights…"

* * *

Several days later…

* * *

"Are you sure you're fit to be up, Ero-sennin?" Naruto asked, casting concerned glances at the sage.

"You've had me bedridden for days now." Said Jiraiya, tapping his writing pen against the arm of his chair. "I mean, it's nice to have a cute girl doting on me, even if she's too young for my taste-"

"OI!" Naruto shouted. "That's my GIRLFRIEND you're talking about! Leave her out of your dirty fantasies!"

"Naruto Uzumaki? IS THAT YOU?!" Sasuke shouted from a different room. "YAAAAGH! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY! RELEASE ME!"

"-But the Uchiha over there needs to be looked at, and we should've been on the road long ago." Jiraiya continued. "There was a bit of an ulterior motive for this trip, you know."

"Oh yeah!" Naruto thumped his hand. "Tsunade! I wasn't sure that was going to happen this time, since I saved the old man's life."

"The old man…Sarutobi died the last time?" Jiraiya whispered, looking perturbed. "Orochimaru was actually able to kill him?"

"… Well, he actually summoned the Shinigami for a final attack." Naruto looked away. "He tried to get all of Orochimaru's soul, but he was only able to get his arms."

"The Shinigami…" Jiraiya paled. "That bad, huh…"

"We were totally unprepared for the invasion last time." Naruto nodded. "A lot of people died. The village got trashed, way worse than it is now. Entire districts were pulverized by the fighting and a bunch of giant snakes. I mean, I dropped a few hints here and there, and Mizu showing up out of nowhere probably helped, so, we weren't hit nearly as bad as last time…"

"But the first time, you didn't have that." Jiraiya finished.

"Yeah." Naruto sighed. "And even then, the old man got put in a coma…"

"… But he's still alive." Said the toad sage. "And the village is, for the most part, only lightly damaged. That's a lot better than before, I guess."

"I know that… but I want it to be PERFECT." Naruto sighed. "I died eleven times for this, so the least that could happen is that nobody dies, the village is intact, and Orochimaru gets his sorry ass dragged to hell. Is that too much to ask?"

"For one Genin, yeah." Jiraiya grinned. "But now, you've got the great Jiraiya-sama on your side. This 'stabilization' thing'll be cake."

"BUT!" Jiraiya declared, pushing himself out of his seat. "That doesn't mean you get to slack off in training! You're the star of this show, apparently, so I'm going to run your ass into the GROUND."

"Aw, c'mon!"

"Go and fetch your girlfriend, let's make this a three-ring circus. I'll go fetch crazy Uchiha boy."

With a groan, Naruto trundled into the hallway. Jiraiya quietly laughed. "So this is what you meant by 'child of prophecy'… hell of a thing…"

"Naruto Uzumaki!" Sasuke growled, glaring daggers at the boy. "So you can't even show your face without me bound like a hog! You sicken me, you treacherous coward!"

"Is he going to stop being like this, Ero-sennin?" Naruto shouted to the sage, standing further across the grassy field that had stopped at.

"In time, sure. I'll get around to fixing him up. But not yet." Jiraiya called back, sitting in his chair. "I am not going to go doing this job-half-cocked and not knowing what I'm dealing with. As long as we've got one of these things in a controlled environment, and I still have to teach you two, I say beat the sucker senseless until you know how it ticks!"

"I get to beat up Sasuke for as long as I like?" Naruto grinned nervously. "I mean, not for nothing, it sounds awesome, but, won't he kind of remember that? He's kinda okay sometimes, so I'd rather not piss him and Sakura-Chan off."

"Far as I can tell from your stories, he won't." Jiraiya shrugged. "But if he does, so what? He's acting like a lunatic, I'm sure he'll give us a free pass when he comes to. Now, Hinata, cut Sasuke's ropes."

"A-ah, yes…" with a quick slice, Sasuke's bonds fell.

Without anything other than a warcry, the boy launched himself like a rocket towards Naruto. The blond only barely ducked under his devastating haymaker and responded with a rabbit punch to the kidneys.

"Ghh!" Sasuke stiffened, before whirling and slamming Naruto in the face, sending him flying into a tree.

"GAHH!" Naruto shouted. "God-damn…! That should have put him down for at least a little bit!"

"And that hit sent you way farther than he should be capable of." Jiraiya scribbled down in his journal. "So, this thing can seriously alter body composition to increase physical capabilities to a high degree…"

"PREPARE TO DIE NARUTO UZUMAKI!" Sasuke screamed, whipping a barrage of headbands at the blonde. Naruto leapt out of the way as he watched them slice through the tree trunk like it was nothing.

"Certain physical impossibilities related to fighting style, though that may be circumstantial… drastically altered psychological makeup and personality, which based on anecdotal evidence lends itself more often than not to higher aggression levels and possible psychosis…"

"Ero-Sennin…!" Naruto grunted, continuing to dodge the ever increasing blows from Sasuke. "Can I get out of Taijutsu now?! 'Cause he's kicking my ass in that!"

"Hmm?" the sage looked up. "O-oh, yeah yeah, do that. Go wild, kid. The seals will keep it from spreading too far." With a flash of a handsign, a ring of paper tags on the ground lit up with a flash. "Push his limits. When we've got some data off him, we'll start practicing Jutsu on him."

"U-um, Jiriaya-sama…" Hinata whispered. "I-Isn't this, um… isn't this, a bit…"

"C'mon, girlie, I'm not gonna bite." Jiraiya drawled, his eyes on the fight. "You've been scared witless around me ever since you joined up. I may be the most awesome man you've ever met, but I'm still just a regular man. Speak your mind."

"A-ah, yes…" Hinata sighed. "Isn't this, uh, a little… cruel?"

"Cruel?" Jiraiya arched an eyebrow.

"DIE!"

CRUNCH!

"Agh! Fuck! Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

POOF!

"Keep him off me while I run handsigns!"

"RIGHT!"

"Y-yes… uhm, Sasuke-san I-is a nice person…" Hinata twiddled her fingers, glancing sideways at the contained mayhem. "So, why is he…?"

"Why is he crazy right now?" Jiraiya finished. "Why are we calmly talking about using him as a training dummy for you two?"

"Yes, t-that…"

"Well, to put it bluntly, that isn't the Sasuke you know." Jiraiya stared forward, his eyes never meeting Hinata's. "It's somebody else wearing his skin. Got the same memories, got the same body, hell, it might even be a different version of Sasuke through some space-time bullshit. But it's not your Sasuke, not the one you grew up with in the village. It's somebody different… And he wants to kill Naruto, badly."

"I… I didn't know…"

"Of course you didn't." said Jiraiya. "How could you? It's only just recently started happening."

"FUUTON: REPPUSHO!"

SLAM!

"BLARGH! I'll get you for that!"

"But it might just be what happened to you in the Chuunin exams." Jiraiya continued. "And I want to know just WHAT this thing is before it happens again and we have to deal with it."

"Take this! BAKUSAI TENKETSU!"

CRACK!

"…AAAUUUUGH!"

"…Ero-sennin, did Sasuke just break his finger poking the ground?" Naruto called out, leaving his Falcon Leg stance as Sasuke hopped around like a maniac, waving his finger.

"Eh?" Jiraiya sat up straighter, looking at the Uchiha. "Well, that's interesting. He shouted that like it was a technique, but all he did was hurt himself…"

"Owowowowowowowow!" Sasuke howled in pain. "Why didn't it work?! Why didn't the ground shatter?!"

"Hmm… 'Breaking Point', and shattering the ground…" Jiraiya tapped his chin. "There's that other thing he built up to before, too… maybe some kind of unique technique? Moves for a kekkai genkai that doesn't exist?"

"You'll pay for ruining my hand, Naruto!"

"Wh-but you did that yourself!"

"Shut up! Only you could have interfered with that technique! BAKUSAI TENKETSU!"

CRACK!

"AAUUUUGH!"

"Dammit, now he broke his OTHER finger poking the ground!" Naruto threw his hands up in the air. "He's hurting himself more than I could!"

"Naruto, put him out of his misery already." Said Jiraiya. "We want him in one piece."

"Fine…"

"Well, there's something we didn't know before." Jiraiya commented, writing furiously in his journal. "There's obviously something he's missing that won't let his moves work, but the Glitch thinks he's already got whatever he needs. That could make things a lot easier for me."

"Glitch?"

"Way above your paygrade, girlie." The sage looked up at the Hyuuga. "Oh, by the way, I hope you realize that anything Naruto or I say on this subject is completely classified. Nobody can know anything about what we're doing."

"But, I…"

"COMPLETELY classified."

Hinata wilted. "…Yes, Jiriaya-sama…"

"Good!" Jiraiya grinned. "I think you just got some one-on-one teaching time for that. I don't have a terribly large repertoire, but how does Genjutsu sound?"

"A-ah…" Hinata twiddled her thumbs absently. "I-I think I'd like that, J-Jiraiya-sama…"

THWACK!

"Hah… hah… finally put the bastard down…" Naruto panted, standing over Sasuke's prone body. "How can he punch so hand with broken fingers in both hands?!"

"Tie him up, and get some clones to lug him around. We're headed out."

One Day Later…

"Hmm…" Jiraiya stood there, staring at the bound and gagged Uchiha, who was glaring daggers at the sage. Naruto glanced up at his teacher.

"Something wrong?"

"Nothing… well, yeah, there is something. Not necessarily WRONG, but…" Jiraiya absently rubbed his neck. "Every time this guy does something, or even tries to say something, I get this unpleasant tingle up my spine… like somebody just danced over my grave."

"Really?"

"Yeah…" the man nodded. "Must be that thing that your 'Sysadmin' guy was talking about, how I will 'react' to Glitches. I actually kinda want to test how well I react to it."

"You're really going wild on this new job of yours, huh?" Naruto smiled lightly.

"Are you kidding me?" Jiraiya grinned ear to ear. "I just got dunked in god-juice! I've been given the keys to the universe, and I get to mess around in the guts of it all! I literally can't die, so long as you're still kicking! Of course I'm excited about this! It's an entirely new field of study that NOBODY has ever done before! I haven't been this excited in YEARS!"

"And the fact that the universe is dying?"

Jiraiya's grin slipped. "Uh… Well, yeah, there is that little major detail…" the grin returned. "… But that just means that there's an even bigger incentive for me to do this thing right! Imagine! I get to add 'helped save Existence' and 'head servant of the gods' to my resume! That's really freakin' cool!"

Jiraiya's enthusiasm was infectious; Naruto couldn't help but smile, too. "Heheh… we are, aren't we? That is pretty sweet!"

"But, in order to do this thing right, I need to figure out how this thing works." Jiraiya cracked his neck. "And seeing as how these powers didn't come with an instruction manual, I need to test it by trial and error. So, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna un-gag him, and then start running really far away. You keep him talking as consistently as possible, so that I keep reacting to him. I'm gonna keep running until I've lost that tingly feeling. If I haven't lost the tingling after a while, then I'll return. You understand?"

"But… what am I supposed to talk to him ABOUT?" Naruto exclaimed as Jiraiya wandered over to the boy.

"I dunno! Talk about the weather, talk about chicks, talk about anything you like, just keep him talking!" he lifted the gag from his mouth, and nearly got his fingers bit off by Sasuke as reward. "Mother of- you're a little piranha, aren't you?"

"I swear to you, I will have my revenge…!" Sasuke growled.

"Tell me something you haven't shouted at us fifty times before." The sage waved. "Well… see ya!" with a typhoon of leaves, Jiraiya was gone.

"Great, way to make the most awkward exit, Ero-sennin…" Naruto grumbled.

An uncomfortable silence fell between the two; Naruto looking anywhere but Sasuke, Sasuke glaring nowhere but Naruto.

Silence.

"Soooo… you've gotten stronger since I last saw you a month ago." Naruto cringed. That sounded painful even to his ears.

"My hatred of YOU made me strong," Sasuke snarled, "And my promise to one day ruin you as you ruined me."

"… okay, seriously, what the hell happened to you?" Naruto finally broke. "I leave you a month ago and we're cool, sorta-kinda buddies, and now you're swearing you're going to kill me? What the hell, man?"

"Because YOU caused my suffering…!" Sasuke looked away, and if Naruto wasn't seeing things, (which he had to be, because it was so WRONG) Sasuke was crying an incredible stream of Manly Tears. "Because of you…!" he whipped around – mother of god, he WAS crying Manly Tears. "Because of you, Naruto Uzumaki… I'VE SEEN HELL!"

"What?!" Naruto exclaimed, scooting as far away from the Uchiha who was looking unnervingly like a Gai or a Rock. "Wh-why would I be responsible?! I haven't seen you until you tried to kill me!"

"Don't lie!" Sasuke screamed, his Manly Tears still falling. "It's because of what YOU did that I had to suffer my torture…!"

"_Alright, Sasuke." Kakashi nodded to the raven-haired boy as he ran into the clearing. "Now that you've found your way here, we can begin training."_

"…_You…" Sasuke frowned as he caught his breath. "You… you still have that bag of random stuff you had me take before I left home."_

"_Well, yeah. That's part of your training… or rather, it's part of your teaching." Kakashi sighed. "It's become clear to me with that little display in the preliminaries that it's something that needs to be taken care of. Any more incidents like that and people will start questioning the way I'm teaching you."_

"_Why does everybody keep saying I did something bad at the preliminaries?" Sasuke threw his hands up in the air. "I've been getting evil glares and threats against me ever since I woke up at home, but I don't remember doing a thing! Why? What did I do that made all of the fangirls that have plagued me since I joined the academy afraid to even go near me? Why do some stores and restaurants refuse to serve me now? I'm sick and tired of not knowing! WHAT DID I DO?!"_

"_You don't remember?" Kakashi blinked. "Well, you-" Kakashi gave a violent twitch._

"_Kakashi-sensei?"_

"_You…" Kakashi straightened up. A strange glint was in his eye… a sort of sinister glint. "You, well… it's hard to explain without telling how it started, before we start training you. You see, it started when Naruto brought you into the medical wing for the first time…"_

"What?!" Naruto squawked. "That's a dirty slanderous lie! I didn't touch you when you got knocked out by the Fuzzy-brows! The medical team did all that stuff!"

"And so you deny your part in my HELL, just as I knew a treacherous bastard like you would." Sasuke glared. "I know the truth, and you will never trick me otherwise. Because of you… BECAUSE OF YOU…!"

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Sasuke shrieked as he ran through the Forest of Death like a bat out of hell, naked except for boxers, slathered in lard and with batteries taped to his nipples._

"OH, WHAT THE FUCK. I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you, and you're just making shit up!"

"YOU THINK I'D LIE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THIS?!" Sasuke screamed, trying with renewed vigor to wrestle himself out of his bonds. "I'LL KILL YOU!"

"I call bullshit! That doesn't even have a training purpose, and Kakashi isn't that sadistic!"

"YOU THINK HE ISN'T?! I'M NOT EVEN DONE!

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Sasuke shrieked as he ran through the Forest of Death like a bat out of hell, naked except for boxers, slathered in lard and with batteries taped to his nipples._

"_Come on, Sasuke~!" Kakashi sing-sang in the trees above Sasuke, holding a box of tissues in his hands. "You're never going to escape the monsters chasing you if you don't run faster~! Are you SUUUUU~RE you don't want these to wipe off?" _

"_WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO MEEEEE?!" Sasuke bawled hysterically as he tried to leap up into the trees at Kakashi. His slicked-up feet, however, gave absolutely no purchase, and, with a scream of terror, he fell back down to the ground face-first. _

"_Oh, Sasuke~," Kakashi tutted dramatically, "you know this is AAA~LL for your benefit! You better get up, though~! Stay still too long, and those batteries will activate~!"_

"_GWAAAAAAH!" _

"_Ooops~! Too~ late!" _

_A monstrous roar echoed behind Sasuke. With a scream of unadulterated fear and a scramble of limbs, the youngest of the Uchiha Three stood up in time to dodge the pounce of a shadowy beast pouncing on him. _

"_Looks like you'll have to fight the monsters now~!" Kakashi let out an evil laugh that didn't sound one iota like him. "Be careful not to SLIII~P!" _

_Sasuke scrambled to find a weapon. What he found was an umbrella, clutched in the hand of a long-dead skeletal hand, disconnected from its body. Hearing the monster pouncing yet again, Sasuke grabbed the umbrella and swung._

"Wh… what the hell…?" Naruto couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You're joking… right?"

"I'll never joke about this for as LONG as I live!" with a frantic wriggling, Sasuke pulled his shirt down just a little bit. The tiniest tip of a thick, inflamed scar on his chest that looked like it hadn't finished healing yet peeked out into the light. "This is the scar I bear from that first encounter! I have dozens more like it! This weapon I bear is my trophy, and my salvation from death countless times over!"

"But…" Naruto was intensely worried. Kakashi didn't sound like Kakashi at ALL. If anything, he sounded like the psycho that Hinata fought in the Chuunin Exams, but he heard she had died from her injuries soon after the invasion, when all the medics left and nobody was around to tend to her. Her body was burned and the ashes shipped off to Kiri. "But… we handled the monsters in the Forest of Death easily in the Chuunin Exam! So, why…?"

"You think that was the whole of the Forest…? HAH!" Sasuke laughed a cruel, hollow laugh. "You are an ignorant fool. That was only level 3 of the forest! It is NOTHING compared to the deeper levels!"

"L-levels? What?"

"Organized by Danger! You thought a place named the Forest of Death was all uniformly that level? Kakashi kidnapped me and dropped me straight in the middle of Level 6, where only Elite Jounin are allowed to access! I nearly died a hundred times over before I escaped!"

"You…" Naruto felt a cold stone drop in his stomach. _'Kakashi wouldn't ever put one of us in that kind of danger, never. Why would he…?'_

"**Take a wild guess, dumbass." **The Kyuubi growled.

Naruto's cold stone multiplied. _'A Glitch…!'_

"**Bingo. They're showing up all over the damn place now. This is turning into a serious problem."**

"But I escaped, after countless tortures to my mind, and I grew stronger for it." Sasuke's eyes grew hard. "Afterwards, I found Kakashi, asleep in his home… and I bashed his brains in."

"YOU WHAT?!" Naruto screamed, leaping back.

"You heard me." Sasuke growled. "I found the one who had turned my life into a living hell, who had tortured me until I died for more than a month, long after the Chuunin Exams had ended, and I turned his head into pulp. He was real, too. I made sure of it."

"WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU KILLED KAKASHI-SENSEI!" Naruto shrieked. "YOU- WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?! DO YOU EVEN REALIZE WHAT YOU JUST DID?!"

"I did." Sasuke stated, hatred filling his eyes. "And I don't regret for it a second. All I need to do now is find and kill the one who started me on that road to hell… YOU."

"You-"

"AND I SWEAR I WILL KILL YOU! I'LL SLAUGHTER YOU; I'LL TURN YOU INTO ASH! I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE FOR TURNING MY LIFE INTO HELL!" Sasuke roared in a frenzy of fury, raging against the ropes that bound him so tightly. "RELEASE ME!"

Jiraiya appeared in a flash of leaves. "I felt the tingling get insanely strong, so I came as fast as I could." He stared at the thrashing Uchiha. "… What the hell is wrong with him?"

"Jiraiya-sensei…" Naruto breathed. Jiraiya's eyes widened just a bit; if he was being respectful to him, something was wrong. "I want you to get the strongest seals you can get on him to keep him from escaping. And I don't want to be left alone with him. Hell, I don't want Hinata alone with him, ever. Hell, I don't want this guy conscious around us."

"…what happened?" Jiraiya's face became grave. "What did he say?" Naruto looked up at Jiraiya, and Jiraiya could tell; Sasuke had said something horrible.

"He told me the truth."

* * *

One Day Later…

* * *

"Are you sure this is safe, ero-sadist?" Naruto gulped loudly at the field of half-inch earthen spikes spread across the ground.

"Of course it's not safe!" said Jiraiya, sitting on a bound and gagged Sasuke, who had dozens of seals buried into his clothing to stop him from doing much more than breathe really hard. "That's the entire point!" he snickered. "Sorry, pun not intended."

"Dammit, this is payback for that prank with the trout last night, isn't it?" Naruto moaned.

"What? No, not at all! Shit was hilarious, once the smell was washed out! Hell, once I get your girlfriend rolling on her Genjutsu training I'll do it with you! It's a great chakra exercise!"

With a final groan, Naruto began undoing his sandals. Hinata looked on worriedly. "J-J-Jiraiya-sama… a-are you sure t-this is safe for Naruto-kun?"

"As long as he doesn't screw up, which, admittedly, he probably will." Jiraiya shrugged. "It's a training you only do when you've got a medic on hand, like I did with Tsunade, or have ungodly high healing abilities like Naruto."

He leaned forward. "Whereas most of the chakra training he's done before has been all about stabilization, like tree-walking, water-walking and leaf-floating, this is all about repulsion and efficiently using bursts of chakra. The point is to keep his body from being impaled on the spikes, by using his raw chakra to launch himself off of them before he falls. Of course, this sends him up into the air, and what goes up must come down. He's then got to adapt himself in whatever position he's falling in to burst himself away from the spikes. After that, he's got to continually adapt to how he's falling and how much chakra he'll need to keep himself airborne, because using raw unfocused chakra to affect the world is draining as hell."

"I hate you so much, ero-sadist…!" Naruto grumbled, slapping a seal to his forehead.

"B-but what if he's falling head-first?!" Hinata looked as if she was going to be sick.

"That's what the tag is for." Jiraiya pointed at Naruto's forehead. "It'll kill the spike field if he's falling in a position that could seriously hurt or cripple him and he hasn't used enough chakra. Too many rookies got hospitalized without that measure. He'll be fine."

"I don't see you out here doing this, asshole!"

"Where do you think I got these, brat?" the sage held up his palms, exposing jagged pale-white scars. "I've put in time on the spike field. You won't even have scars once you're done with this. This is a great training regimen for situational awareness and massively cutting down on how much chakra is needed to use any Jutsu at all. It's also a great booster for overall chakra capacity, but you don't really need that, now do you? Now stop complaining and jump on the spikes!"

"… Need a bigger trout… won't know what hit him…"

"Naruto Uzumaki…? Is that-"

**WHACK!**

"Quiet, you. How'd you get your gag out?" After stuffing his gag back in none-too-kindly, Jiraiya went back up to Hinata. "Sorry about him. I've sent a Kage Bunshin to Konoha to let them know we found… well, that we found Sasuke. He'll be out of our hair soon."

"… d-did Sasuke do something bad?" Hinata asked.

"Why do you say that?"

"Neither of you…" she breathed in, as if to steady herself. "Neither of you l-look at him with anything but contempt and h-hatred anymore…"

"…" Jiraiya sighed. "Yes… he did something terrible, Hinata. And that's why we're sending him back right away. But until then, we use him as a training dummy for any of our Jutsu. Like the Genjutsu I'm teaching you." he shook his head, spiky hair flying out behind him. "Anyways, on to your training."

"Y-yes, Jiraiya-sama, sir!" Hinata straightened…

"OHGODOHGOD I'M GONNA DIE!"

"Ignore him." Jiraiya leaned forward. "Now, I don't think most of my combat Genjutsu would be a good fit for a Hyuuga. Too flashy. There is one, though, that I think you'd like."

"What… what is it called, sir?"

"It's called Meitei no Sekai"

SPLRCK!

"OH MY FUCKING GOOOOOD!"

"Welp, there's the first injury." The spike field shrank back into the ground, leaving Naruto with gaping holes in his palms. "Walk it off, kid. Take 10, wash the dirt out, and start again. You'll be good as new by then."

"Oh god, oh god, oh god this hurts…"

"A-ahhh…" Hinata bit her lip, glancing frantically at the wounds. "I… I have s-some ointment here… it c-could help… maybe…"

"Hey, if you want to use it, go ahead. He'll be fine soon enough."

"Fuck you fuck you with a rusty rake oh god this hurts…"

"Right, your Genjutsu!" Jiraiya clapped his hands. Naruto, sitting there with his hands bandaged and ointmented, glared holes at his teacher.

"Hate you, hate you, hate you with the force of a thousand suns…"

"The technique is called Meitei no Sekai ,as I previously mentioned. It's a deceptively simple technique, with devastating consequences if used right."

"Wh-what does it do?" Hinata asked.

"It uses the power of sound to disrupt the target's eardrums." Jiraiya stands off of Sasuke. "Well, what's the big deal? Eardrums, that's the stuff you use to hear things, so what? You've just deafened somebody. Big whoop."

"Wrong." Jiraiya turns serious. "The thing is, affecting somebody's hearing is pretty big. Deafen somebody out of nowhere, and they're not going to know how to react in a fight. Do it subtly? You can make him hear what you want, or rather, not hear what you don't want; Like, say, somebody sneaking across the floor behind them and rifling through important documents. He wouldn't even know something was wrong, because guess what? He can't hear anything."

"And the inner ear?" Jiraiya continued, tapping behind his ear. "That little thing that brings sound to your brain? That also controls your equilibrium. In other words, it's what's keeping you standing straight instead of flopping like a wet noodle every time you try to take a step. You hit somebody with that before a fight starts, and they won't be able to stand up, much less hit the broad side of a barn."

"Best part?" he sits down on Sasuke again. "It's so simple, nobody even thinks it's a Genjutsu. After all, Genjutsu is the stuff that makes you see crazy shit, like your worst fears coming to life, or the trees trying to strangle you. Nobody outside of Genjutsu users seems to get that if it can affect the way the brain processes information, it can be affected though that branch of Jutsu. Consequently, nobody ever tries cancelling it. Because why would they? They're just having a dizzy spell. They're just not hearing what isn't there. Why would they try?"

"W-wow…" said Naruto, the throbbing in his hands decreasing as Youki pulsed through his system. "I never would have guessed. Something so easy can do that…"

"Sound can… do that much to a person, huh…?" Hinata whispered.

The sage nodded. "A person's sense of hearing is one of, if not the most relied-on sense in the body, and the most commonly used. It's why it's so effective. You can shut your eyes and stop seeing… you can plug your nose and stop smelling… but can you stop hearing as easily? If you control Sound, you have control over the human mind."

"That… that's actually pretty cool…" Naruto watched the sage, feeling as if he had just heard something profound.

"I… I see." Hinata nodded. "I understand, sir."

"There's that Sir again!" Jiraiya laughed, suddenly jovial. "I like this respect. I don't get it too often!"

"With good reason!"

"Bah. Anyways, here're the signs." Jiraiya flipped 4 different handsigns. "Practice on Sasuke here. A live target is always much better for practicing this stuff. Naruto!"

"W-what?!"

"C'mon! You've wasted enough time listening to me ramble! We're getting back on those spikes!"

"B-but my HANDS!"

"They're fine and you know it! I'll even join you!"

"My HANDS!" Naruto protested. "You made me gore my HANDS!"

"I've done that more times than I can count! Quit your whining! Now, the trick is in the descent…"

* * *

A Few Days Later…

* * *

"…Naruto, we need to have a little pow-wow, now. Hinata, stick with the clones and Sasuke for a bit, okay?"

Naruto, after a quick glance back, stepped away from the group. "Something wrong?"

"Yeah. The Kage Bunshin I sent to Konoha just popped."

"… Oh." Naruto looked away… before glancing back up. "But, wait, you sent that a while ago. You'd move way faster without us, so why…?"

"Because he was gathering information." Jiraiya bit his lip. "Kid… there's something seriously wrong."

"Yeah…?"

"Well, the clone went to tell them about Sasuke… but Kakashi met us at the gate."

"…" Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. "Then, Sasuke was lying."

"I asked Kakashi how he escaped Sasuke's rage… and he said he had no idea what he was talking about."

"… No idea?" Naruto's eyes got hard. "He had no idea he'd pissed Sasuke off so much with his training that he wanted to kill him?"

"I mean he had no idea he had even DONE training with Sasuke. Or that Sasuke had left the village. He even stopped conversation to greet a Sasuke that wasn't even there." Jiraiya folded his arms, nodding at Naruto's dawning look. "I wondered if he was an imposter, so I tried dispelling it, but nothing happened. It was the real Kakashi."

"But…. Then, the Kakashi who did that…!"

"I scoped out his apartment, and lying on the couch like it just took a nap is a headless Kakashi." Jiraiya continued.

"Wait, what?!"

"Yeah. And Kakashi doesn't even notice it. Hell, NOBODY notices it. Everybody specifically goes out of their way to not notice it. They don't sit on his couch, they avert their eyes even when I danced it in front of them, they even contort out of the way when I try having it touch them. For all intents and purposes, it's like it doesn't exist to anybody but me."

Naruto looked like he had been slapped in the face. "I… what?"

"I dunno, kid." Jiraiya scratched his head. "It's weird, it's really weird, and it's really freaky to see it. It has to be something to do with the game, and my status as a debugger must prevent it from happening, but I don't like the fact that it could've happened to me and I wouldn't even know what's happening, or that it happened on a village-wide basis. Figuring out how this whole thing works just got way more important."

"… So, lots of experimenting on Sasuke while we're here?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah, but it also means we need to find Tsunade as soon as possible so we can get back to the village and we can figure this out. You're absolutely sure she's in Tanzaku Gai?" Jiraiya asked, glancing around the town. The place was a bustling little tourist trap, full of gamblers and drunks; nothing at all suggested a world-class medic had come through. "It's a pretty big town, so hunting here could waste lots of time…"

"That's where we met her before…" Naruto frowned. "But when we got here, the castle was completely trashed because of snake-face. It looks fine now…"

"Snake-fa-?!" Jiraiya whirled. "You didn't say anything about Orochimaru coming after her!"

"What? But I…" Naruto scowled. "You're right, I didn't. Yeah, snake-face went after her to heal his arms. He offered to bring back her brother and her some other dude if he did."

"Dan and Nawaki…" Jiraiya pinched the bridge of his nose. "That's a tempting offer. She refused?"

"Oh, yeah, you two got together and kicked his ass. That's when I got the Rasengan working and she gave me her necklace. You said something about hemo-whatsit being cured, too, but I was tired…"

"Her- jeez, kid." Jiraiya could only stare wide-eyed, before laughing. "Hahaha! Oh, god, that's great. She gave you her necklace, and you cured her hemophobia. You're something else, you know that, kid? You are just something else…"

"Heheh…" Naruto awkwardly scratched the back of his head. "I kinda didn't like her at first, but Baa-Chan kinda grew on me after a while."

"HA! Baa-Chan! Oh, I bet that pissed her off." Laughing, the toad sage glanced around. The grin slipped from his face. "Of course, that castle still standing means Orochimaru hasn't shown up yet… and I don't like that."

"They never did find snake-face or the Mizukage, did they?" Naruto frowned.

"How'd you hear- never mind. No, neither of them showed up. We know the Mizukage's probably alive, since the- uh…" Jiraiya glanced at Naruto.

"The Sanbi?"

"Okay, so you know that, too. Yeah, since the Sanbi isn't rampaging around, he's probably still alive. Lucky us, since that's the only reason Mizu hasn't declared war against us." Jiraiya scowled. "Though, I doubt Orochimaru's dead, either. He's too tenacious for that. He's changed himself too much to let him die in any way other than spectacularly."

"But, then… where is he?" Naruto looked around.

"That's the question, isn't it…" said Jiraiya, before leaning back. "Oi, Hinata! We're done talking big talk, so get over here! Bring Sasuke!"

"Y-yes, sir!" the girl scurried closer, the two clones lugging Sasuke behind her.

"Now, since one of the reasons we're doing this is 'cause we're looking for an infamous lush, we're going bar-hopping." Jiraiya explained. "We're not going to get drunk, but if you get offered one, you don't have to refuse. Just remember, though, that the 'old enough to kill' rule doesn't generally fly as well outside of ninja villages."

"O-oh…" Hinata twiddled her fingers. "I- I don't drink…"

"**Dammit…" **the Kyuubi grumbled.

"Booze tastes nasty." Naruto crossed his arms. "Can't even get drunk, either."

"**Double dammit…"**

"Oh. Crisis averted, then!" Jiraiya whirled around. "Right, then! Once more, into the breach!"

* * *

"I think we might have to carry Ero-sennin to a hotel if he gets any drunker…" one of the Sasuke-carrying clones muttered as the sage swayed down the street.

"Ah, SHADDAP!" Jiraiya called back, a shit-eating grin splitting his face. "Ivf been undah a lotta STRESS lahtly! We'h gonna wahste time hee-ah, so I plan tah ENJOIH HIT! WOOOO!"

"A-ano…" Hinata was practically squirming in place. "I-is he going to be alright?"

"Probably not." Naruto shrugged. "He'll probably drink himself into a coma and wake up in some back alley. He's done it before."

"R-really?"

"Yeah." _'Can't exactly tell her, though, that it happened on this same trip 11 lifetimes ago…'_ thought Naruto.

"B-Brat!" Jiraiya swatted good-naturedly behind him, missing Naruto by a good 10 feet. "You-you jusht don' appret- apprech- appr- lihke tha way I do thiiiiiings! I have a METHOD tah…" he trailed off. "Broah…"

"What?" Naruto looked up.

"Broah, do you SEE whaht Ih'm scopin' here?" Jiraiya pointed a shaky finger forward.

"If you're just pointing out some hot chick, I swear I'll…" Naruto's eyes widened. "Oh… OH!"

There, through the thinning crowds, were Tsunade, Shizune and Tonton, just walking into town from the other direction.

"Th-thehre she is!" Jiraiya grinned. "OOOI!"

"Shut up!" Naruto pulled his hand down. "Do you think she'll take you at all seriously the way you are now? Sober up, ero-sennin, then we'll go talk to her."

"Uh… aaahh, yeaaah, good point." Jiraiya shook himself vigorously. "H-hold ohn, I'm gonna… gonna… gonna go do something tah do something. You… keehp an eye on those six lay-deeooohshit." He stumbled into an alleyway, where a variety of strange and vaguely heinous sounds soon echoed from.

"Great…" Naruto frowned. "Well, come on, Hinata-Chan. Let's make sure we don't lose those two." He glanced back at the clones. "You two, stay with ero-sennin. Make sure he comes out of there eventually."

"Right!"

"Nngh… nngh!? NN-"

**WHACK!**

"You just will not stay unconscious, will you?"

It wasn't exactly hard to follow them through the crowds, what with Tsunade's golden-blonde locks in a sea of black, but eventually, the pair and pig made their way into one of those 21-only bars that often frequented the tourist traps. The rating wasn't generally for the booze, but for the other attractions, like gambling, and other… pleasurable vices.

"Argh." Naruto frowned. "Well, that's great."

"Um…" Hinata's face was a bright red, horrifically embarrassed at the catcalls echoing from the door. "D-do we really have to go in there…?"

"Well, I certainly don't want you in a place like that." The boy hugged her tightly. "Besides, I think there's a bouncer that'd keep us both out of there."

"W-well, then, do we wait for Jiraiya-sama to find us?" Hinata asked.

"… I don't like the idea of that. There could be other doors on this, and then we look like idiots waiting outside a den of vice for a lady that's already left." Naruto went silent for a bit, before biting his lip. "… Alright, hang on. I think I've got an idea, but it's not gonna be pretty."

"Eh?"

"I'm gonna… well, there's… I… I'm gonna use a technique that I think you've seen me do before. So, just… wait here for a sec, Hinata-chan, and PLEASE don't think badly of me for this." Naruto quickly ducked into a nearby alleyway. "Are you SURE this will work?"

"**It's your fuckin' Jutsu; you know how it works better than I do." **The Kyuubi absently picked at his teeth. **"But as far as I can tell, your human Henge techniques disrupt as soon as somebody does more than a few second's contact, or does more than a light touch. That genderbend technique seems to be made of sterner stuff. Age it up a few years and you're in. Just, make sure you don't eat or drink anything. Roofies aren't my idea of a good time."**

"Dammit… this is a seriously bad idea…" Naruto made the seal. "Oroike no Jutsu!"

When Hinata saw somebody walk back out of the alley, it was not the same blond who had walked in. "Eep…!"

"Yeah… like I said, please don't think badly of me for this idea…"

The blond girl was not the same as Naruto's usual transformation. For one, she still had clothes on, albeit a miniskirt that was barely there and a tube top that looked like it was about to rip trying to hold 'her' breasts inside. For another, she was a good 4 inches taller, and had even more of an hourglass figure than usual, if that was even possible.

For a third, there were two of them.

"Wh… what-you-Naruto-kun…" Hinata's face was turning a bright red. "Wh-why…?"

"Because I haven't figured out how to put more clothes on this technique yet!" Naruto whined, his (her?) usually-high-pitch transformation voice tuned a few notes duskier. "This technique makes a body that's more 'real' than a regular Henge, but I made it originally to just be a quick 'flash-'em-distraction' move. Putting clothes on this body needs an entirely new layer of chakra-molding, and that really freakin' hard to do!"

"I mean, Henge's all one layer, clothes and everything, but it's basically a self-illusion that'll break easily. It's not actually 'real'." continued the second, which Hinata had to assume was a clone. "Oroike's also one layer, but it's solid, so it's quite a bit trickier, and you pop out naked. Putting clothes on, which means adding in multiple layers to the solid transformation? That's really frickin' hard! I've only been able to figure out doing clothes that are barely there in the first place!"

"Speaking of clothes…" the first, which Hinata had to assume was the real Naruto, reached down to his miniskirt and flipped it up, revealing a _very _clingy pair of white-with-pink-hearts panties.

"EEEK!" Hinata's face exploded with steam.

"Oh, thank god." Naruko breathed a sigh of relief, letting the skirt fall the miniscule distance back down. "I finally got the panties down right. If that hadn't worked, I wouldn't go in there even if you paid me for an S-class. Walking around in a den of vice dressed like this, with a body like this, and no panties? That's just asking for terrible things to happen."

"Well, that's what you've got me for, isn't it?" asked the second Naruko. "We go in as twins, I go find a dark spot, I transform into a boring 40-something dude, and I keep an eye on you while you look for Tsunade. If you start acting funny or going off with somebody, I charge in and defend the fair maiden's honor! Perfect plan!"

"You call me a 'fair maiden' again and I'll disembowel you, I swear to god."

With barely a sound, Hinata collapsed to the ground.

"Oh, shit." The clone rushed over to Hinata's side, rolling her over. "Dammit, I think she hurt herself falling face-first like that. See?" he lifted her up, exposing the bloody nose to the original.

"… That bloody nose…" Naruto glanced at the clone. "… You don't think…?"

"… What? What, you mean you think she…? Pure-as-snow Hinata-chan, thinking stuff like that? No way, man! That's the fuzz-butt talking!"

"Yeah, yeah, you're right." Naruto shook his head wildly, sending 'his' pigtails flying every-which-way. "Guess I've been talking to fuzz-butt too long about this. Hang on, I've got this."

POOF!

"Well, this looks like something out of a twincest threesome fantasy." The new Naruto clone commented, staring at the two genderbent versions of himself. "Matching slutty outfits and everything. Cute. Too bad we're not screwed up enough to try something along those lines."

"Oh, grow up. We're not THAT desperate. 'Sides, I'm pretty sure shadow clones don't work that way." The original Naruto commented, bending down to position Hinata more comfortably. "Watch her for us, okay? Make sure she comes out alright."

"Sure thing." The male clone grinned. "Can I say something, though?"

"What?"

"We have SUCH a great ass, it's ridiculous."

"Damn straight." The Naruko clone grinned, bending over and slapping said ass for the benefit of her audience.

"If both of you are done making me question my sanity more than I already do…" the original pinched the bridge of her nose, resolutely looking away from the clone making a spectacle of herself. "We really need to get eyes back on Tsunade before she wanders away again."

"Oh, come on!" the Naruko clone pouted. "You know I'm just getting into character! Gonna have to slut it up to get in, right? I'm not gonna be around for long, so let me have my fun."

"Fine, alright, whatever. Let's go." With that, the two girls whirled around and walked back out of the alley they had transformed in. the male clone grinned lecherously.

"God, I'm hot. I really have been talking to fuzz-butt too much…"

"You ladies heading inside?" asked the enormous bouncer a few feet inside the door. The clone giggled.

"Um, yeah! Our friends were TOTALLY telling us about this great time they had here. So, um, this isn't, like, a membership club, is it?"

"Because that would really suck. That would suck really, really hard." Naruto added, bending over just a titch to drive home the innuendo. The bouncer grinned.

"You're in luck, then. This is welcome to everybody, as long as you're over 21. You ARE 21, I assume?"

"Like, yeah!" the clone twirled her twintail around her pointer finger in a ditzy manner. "We turned 23 yesterday!" Naruko leaned in conspiratorially. "We have the same birthday, you know. Twins, right?"

"Can I see some ID, then?"

"ID?" Naruto pouted, doing an elaborate twirl that just _happened _to lift the skirt up enough for a panty flash. "You think we have pockets for that, mister? In THESE skirts?"

"I see that…" the bouncer was obviously taking in an eyeful of the two, but he wasn't smiling any more. "No ID, no entrance."

"Oh, come on, mister!" the clone struck a pose, one hand on a hip, the other cupping a tit. The tube top groaned dangerously at the action. "You think a little girl could have a body like this? That's, like, totally wrong! We're 23, so just let us in!"

"… Ladies…" the bouncer stepped out, putting a hand on their shoulders. "That's just not going to fly, here."

"Hey! Hands off the merchandise!" Naruto pulled himself away, but not until he'd made sure there was ample contact time. The clone, however, didn't.

"Please, sir?" Naruko struck a pleading pose, eyes wide with unshed tears, hands clasped together in a move that just _happened _to push her breasts even further out of the tube top. "Please? Just let us in? We're, like, only here to have fun!"

The bouncer lifted a hand to his face in a casual way as if he was sighing, but the action didn't hide the color of red leaking from his nose. "… Alright, then." The bouncer stepped back into the door. "Don't let anybody know I did this, alright?"

"YAY!" the two 'girls' hugged each other and jumped up and down, which did incredibly interesting things with their anatomy. "Like, thank you, mister!"

"Yeah, yeah, get in."

The two walked into the den of vice, hips sashaying. "I can't believe that worked…" Naruko whispered.

"Y'know, I know we made this technique to slut it up and distract the pervy guys…" Naruto whispered, "But that just a quick flash-bang thing. Using it to seduce some random dude? I kinda feel unclean…"

"YOU feel unclean? I was the one who had to actually touch the guy! Speaking of which, you caught that guy checking for Henge, right?"

"Yeah." Naruto nodded. The scent of spices began to waft from inside like an overhanging cloud. "What other reason would he have to actually touch us other than check for illusions? Glad I wasn't the only one who caught that; probably the only reason he gave up in the end."

"Hey, you don't have to explain it to me. I might be acting ditzy right now, but I'm just as smart as you are. Whether that's worth anything, I dunno, but I'm putting it out there."

"Shut up. Don't make me dispel you." any further comments were cut off as they entered into the main room. "Whoa…"

"Well. That's different." Naruko blinked. "I mean, I know it was 21-only, but… really?"

The room itself was dominated by the gigantic stage, upon which women whose only clothing were the ryo strapped to their crotches. Men (and women, surprisingly enough) were cheering bawdily at the strippers, throwing money to the stage in storm. The cloud of smoke blanketing the room was acrid to the nose and tongue, and came from both gigantic cigars, smoked by seedy men hidden in shadows, and enormous hookahs, bolted to the tables and constantly in use by all types. Rooms to the side of the stage were graffiti'd by the people in none-too-tasteful images that, even if the damp and moaning sounds didn't tell you, informed you _exactly _what their purpose was.

It was, in a word, exactly what Naruto thought it was: a den of vice.

"Damn." Naruto whistled. "Now that I'm looking at it, I'm not sure if the bouncer thought we were customers, or potential employees."

"…I think you might need more than one clone to protect your modesty in this place." Naruko muttered. "Do you see a bar in here?"

"Has to be one somewhere. Can't imagine any reason baa-chan would even come here. REALLY has to be a bar if she managed to convince Shizune to come with her." Naruto bit his lip. "…Hey. Find a dark area or something. See if you can't make me some backup. I don't feel comfortable here at all."

"Gotcha." The clone peered up and pointed off past the stage. "I think I see a bar that direction. Go check if baa-chan's over there."

"I'd better see two boring dudes in the corner of my eye pretty soon, man. Seriously don't like the vibes here." With that, Naruto strutted off across the floor, trying as hard as physically possible to not _bounce_. It wasn't working all too well; he could feel the eyes of some of the more distractible patrons.

"I dunno if I'm going to use this variation too often…" Naruto muttered to himself. "I suddenly understand why chicks don't like guys perving on them…"

A young man pulled himself away from gawping at the stripper to plant himself in front of Naruto. "HeeEEEEEY, qurl!" he slurred, absolutely sloshed. "Whatchoooo doin' roun' here?"

"Looking for someone. Someone who isn't you." Naruto kept walking. The dude kept stumbling on in front of her, though.

"Hhey, now, dun' be like thaaat!" he grinned. "Why don't you an' your fantastic bazoongies meet-"

"PFFFT!" Naruto couldn't help but laugh at that. "Bazoongies? Haha! That's great. That's actually pretty damn funny. I need to use that word more often. Now, out of the way."

"Hey, c'mon, jus' gimme a chance!" he pleaded. Naruto thought, before grinning.

"Sorry, bub. I've already got a girlfriend."

The dude's eyes widened. "You- oh, oh, shit, s' sorry, di'nt know…" he bowed profusely, not even noticing his nose was now gushing blood. "I'll jus', yunno, go…" he stumbled back to the stage, back to grinning like an idiot at the naked flesh in front of him.

"Well, at least he didn't decide to be the cliché douchebag who keeps trying to get some." Naruto nodded. "Don't see that all too often." The bodacious 'girl' drew close to the bar, and was instantly drawn to the other similarly stacked blonde making a fool out of herself.

"Don't you tell me what I can and can't do, Shizune!" Tsunade scolded the pig-carrying woman, a Sake bottle in her hand. "It's MY money!"

"Our money, Tsunade-sama." Shizune looked distraught, but was ultimately standing her ground. "If you were in charge of our finances, we would have starved or frozen to death because you spent all of our food and lodging money on booze and gambling. We need to do more work before we can afford to do this again!"

"Maa, it's fine!" Tsunade grinned, a slight rosy tint to her cheeks. "I'm feeling lucky today! I bet I'll hit the jackpot!"

Naruto couldn't help but grin. 'That's baa-chan, all right.' With a sashay of hips, the genderbender sank into a stool aside the duo. "Well, hello there! You certainly look like you're having fun over here!" Tsunade swiveled in her seat, staring vacantly at the 'girl',

"…and just who're you supposed to be…?" to her credit, the slightly tipsy woman managed to hide her oncoming inebriation well. "You're not a debt collector, are you?"

"You think a debt collector would walk around wearing something like THIS?" Naruto gestured hard at 'her' barely-there ensemble.

"True…" her fears allayed, the bottle in her hand went right back to her mouth. After a long pull, Tsunade cried out in pleasure. "Hooooh! That's good. This Shochu stuff is good!"

"Shochu?"

"Some new hard liquor come out recently. It's a lot stronger than Sake. Tastes nice, too!" the medic grinned widely, while Shizune worriedly looked on. "I'm not even through my second bottle and I'm already feelin' good!"

"Tsunade-sama…"

"Ah, right, right…" Tsunade became serious once more. "So, you're not a debt collector… you might be a hooker, but then, you wouldn't be talkin' to me, you'd be finding some lonely guy… you know who I am, girl?"

"Probably more than you do, Tsunade of the Sannin." Naruto leaned back. 'Feels weird referring to her full title. Baa-chan fits her better…"

"… I see, then." All traces of drunkenness fled Tsunade's face as she leaned in. "you'd better explain yourself, girl."

"I'm travelling with a… well, an old friend of yours, I guess." Naruto shrugged. "We've been looking for you. He's not exactly in the best state right now, so I came to find you in his place."

The legendary sucker's face became like stone. "I don't have many 'old friends', and the ones I do have I'd rather pummel than meet. Leave, and tell whichever master you serve that I'm not interested in whatever they say."

'… I forgot how much of a pain in the ass baa-chan was, the first time we met.' Naruto scowled. "Look, ero-sennin and I have been looking for you for a while now, and-"

"So it's the old pervert, is it?" Tsunade rolled her eyes and took a swig. "I should have guessed, with someone as stacked as you. What are you? His whore? His 'girlfriend'?"

"… His apprentice." Naruto scowled deeply, fighting back the urge to reach across the stools and smack the Sannin in the face. "His successor to the Toad Contract. And nothing of a sexual nature, so I'll thank you to shut the hell up when you don't know what you're talking about."

"Oho, touched a nerve, did I?" Tsunade grinned widely, leaning back.

"Tsunade-sama, please, don't-" Shizune began.

"You know, Jiraiya doesn't just _take in _random girls and apprentice them." Tsunade smirked. "He's promised you the Toads, then? I bet he'll ask for a whoooooole lot for that _privilege_. That's the way he is. A lying, cheating asshole who thinks only with his dick."

"**The bitch is insulting the only half-decent monkey you know!" **Kyuubi snapped. **"Why are you not kicking her ass right now?"**

"… Tsunade, you better shut the hell up right now and not say another goddamn word, or I swear I will kick your ass." Naruto growled. He knew that he wasn't doing a whole lot better than the first time he'd met her, but he didn't care. She was badmouthing Jiraiya even more than she badmouthed the Hokage position and that was something he would not tolerate.

"Tsunade-sama, please, you've been drinking, you shouldn't-"

"You're a hundred years too young to be threatening me, brat." Tsunade glared. "Now, run off and play floozy. You're certainly dressed for it."

SLAM!

Naruto's hammered fist nearly cracked the bar. The music and thrum of the den quieted, just a bit.

"OUTSIDE. NOW." The genderbent boy snarled.

The Sannin laughed sardonically. "You know who I am, and you're still challenging me? You're more stupid than I thought."

"… **Was she this bitchy the first time?" **Kyuubi asked. **"Because if she was, I don't know why you thought it was a good idea to bring her back to run your fucking village."**

_'I thought she was crabby because of meeting Orochimaru.'_ Naruto thought as 'she' stomped outside the den, Tsunade following lazily behind. _'But now I see that put her in a GOOD mood. And that pisses me off.'_

"**You think you can take her?"**

'_Of course not. I'm not an idiot.'_ Naruto walked past Hinata outside the door, ignoring his girlfriend's confused looks. _'She didn't become the Hokage for nothing. I'm gonna get the crap kicked out of me, but I intend to at least make her eat her words.'_

"Please, Tsunade-sama, don't!" Shizune pulled hard at her master's arm, earning nothing for her effort except feet skidmarks on the ground. "You're drunk! You can't just go picking fights in the middle of town with random people! What if-"

"Stay out of this, Shizune-san." Naruto called out. Shizune blinked at his knowledge of her name, and that confusion was enough for her master to pull away from her grip. "I need to settle this."

"YOU settle this?" Tsunade snorted. "I won't even need to use more than one finger to end this."

"You wanna bet on that?" Naruto grinned.

"A bet?" Tsunade scoffed, but her eyes betrayed her curiosity. "And what makes you think you have anything I want?"

"Well…" Naruto frowned. What DID he have to offer this time? "If you win, then… I'll… I'll renounce all ties to Jiraiya and accept that you were right about his character."

"… Interesting." Tsunade nodded just the slightest bit. "And if, by some miracle, you win this wager?"

"You accept that Jiraiya is a better person than you seem dead-set on believing…" Naruto pointed straight at her… or rather, the ornament hanging around her neck. "… and I get that necklace of yours."

Tsunade went very, very still. Shizune, who was right in the motion of stepping in front of them, froze mid-step, then slowly began backing away.

"… My necklace?" Tsunade looked up at Naruto, her eyes full of… _something._ "Girl… do you know what this necklace is? Its' history?"

"Of course." Naruto nodded, eyes full of determination. "That's why I want it. Becoming Hokage is my dream. Not even death will stop me from achieving my goals. That's who I am?"

"… You've never even told us who you are, and you're making claims like that?" Tsunade looked away, emotions flitting over her face.

"I never said." Naruto lowered 'her'self into a stance made for crossing distances fast. "And I would have… but then you insulted my godfather, and that's when I got pissed."

"…!? Godfa-" Tsunade whipped her head around to where the 'girl' stood – but there was nobody there.

Instincts honed over a lifetime of combat blared, and Tsunade leapt out of the way. Naruto dropped screaming from the sky, creating a small crater where he landed. Without giving the medical prodigy time to think, the boy-turned-girl launched off at Tsunade, a Jutsu in hand. "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Ten different Oroike Narutos popped, and all sent themselves flying at Tsunade. The woman gritted her teeth.

"You're better than I thought… but still not good enough!" Tsunade charged in, pointer finger extended, flicking each clone into oblivion. Naruto got hit with the 4th attack, and was sent flying into the wall of the den of vice violently.

"BWAGH!" Naruto gasped, feeling pain from 'her' chest and blood trickle down from 'her' scalp. Only a second's notice was paid to the fact that an illusion was actually bleeding and not dispelled by the hit, before escaping from the wreckage of the wall.

"Nice try, kid…" Tsunade called. "But if that's all you've got, you'll never beat me."

"Right…" Naruto sighed. _'I was hoping dropping the godfather thing would shock her enough to get a hit in or forget the bet's parameters, but that didn't work. She's rattled, though. Maybe another shock would get her…'_

"I'm not done yet, though." Naruto walked into the street, now cratered heavily from the flicked clones. "I've got more tricks up my sleeve. I don't think this calls for an army-killer…"

"You know an army-killer?" Tsunade exclaimed.

"… but I think I've got the right move to end this." Naruto crouched down, hovering his hands together. 'First, the sphere… then, the counterspin…'

As the iconic move began to take shape, Tsunade nearly forgot to breathe. "What…?! You-"

"Gotcha!" two plainly-dressed men grabbed her from behind. Tsunade cursed herself for getting distracted so easily. One of the men looked up, and his eyes were the same shade as the girl in front of her. "Not so fast, Ba-chan!"

"You-!" Tsunade ripped her arm out of the man's grip, dispelling him, but the other held fast.

"Take this!"

Tsunade turned her head for just a second for a scene that stole her breath away for the second time in seconds. There, charging at her like the wrath of god itself, was the girl with the ridiculous twintails and the barely-there outfit, a tube-top held together by single strands of fabric and a skirt that was shredded by wood splinters, cutesy heart panties in full view… and a fully-formed legendary Jutsu in her hand.

"RASENGAN!"

As the girl neared her, Tsunade punched the final clone, sending him cratering on the other side of the street; with full mobility, the woman leapt up and struck Naruto with a devastating roundhouse kick. The Rasengan never even reached her.

Naruto slammed through the stone alley wall, blasting into a completely different street before slamming head-on into a mom-and-pop restaurant. Naruto was very nearly certain that absolutely everything was broken, with the way it hurt to breathe, or even think.

Hinata was by 'her' side almost instantly. "NARUTO-KUN!" she screamed, clutching the genderbender close.

Jiraiya was on the other side. "The fuck just happened?! I wake up and I hear explosions going off, and then I see you fighting Tsunade!"

"All… part… th' plan…"Naruto wheezed. "Help… up…"

"Yeah, sure… sorry if I drop you, I'm still really hungover…" with a groan of intense pain, Jiraiya hoisted Naruto up. "That or I am still really drunk, because right now, you're a smoking hot girl wearing practically nothing."

Naruto glanced down to see he was right; 'her' skirt and top had disappeared, leaving nothing but the panties. "… you, ah… you're drunk, ero-sennin. I don't know why… you're seeing me as a hot chick… so get your mind out… of the goddamn gutter." Naruto gestured weakly at Hinata when she opened her mouth to speak to the contrary. 'Don't let him know it's real…!' Naruto mouthed silently. Hinata slowly nodded in dawning understanding.

"Right, right…" Jiraiya nodded, his eyes slightly glassy as he stared at Naruto's tits. "Can I just say, though? Your imaginary girl self is extremely sexy."

"Fuck off..."

"Jiraiya?!" Tsunade called from the opposite side of the road, both stunned and incredulous. "What- why- you- your apprentice- the Rasengan!"

"The Rasengan?" Jiraiya looked at Naruto strangely. Naruto pulled away from his mentor and slowly walked out to the middle of the street.

"I win… baa-chan…" the boy grinned. "You used a fist… and a foot… so gimme that necklace…!"

"… Who ARE you?" Tsunade exclaimed.

With a weak, wobbly hand, Naruto lifted up the dispel seal. With a poof of displaced air, the beaten and batter Jutsu disappeared, leaving a very real, very clothed, very unscathed boy.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki. Sorry about all this."

…

And now, a word from the co-authors:

Hey, guys. Animaniac Dude here. I've actually got a question for you guys. A while back, Majin and I were having a discussion about the general lack of quality stories on this site. (Actually, it was more like I was making jokes about Sturgeon's Law, which states that 90 percent of everything is crap, applying heavily to this site, and Majin just nodding his head quietly), when I had the idea to create a sort of writing guide at the end of GOTY, which would cover a wide variety of various writing topics, such as being able to write a good summary, or making sure that your protagonists and antagonists are balanced, or what-have-you. since I'm fairly certain that most of the people on this site are doing this without any real formal creative writing training, they honestly don't know what they're doing wrong, so I thought that this would help them. Majin, however, is having some serious misgivings about it, saying that it would sound like we're arrogant or preachy, that people came to read a good story, not get a public service announcement. after some thought, I can see his point. having that come out of nowhere seems awful condescending. I do, however, really want to help the people on here who honestly want to have a story that gets lots of attention but simply don't know what they're doing wrong. So, we'll leave it up to you guys. would you all actually like to see something along the lines of a HOW TO WRITE GOOD (FAN)FICTION guide at the bottom of each story, if it's fairly detailed and lengthy?

Welp, Majin, I've pretty much stolen the Author's notes from you. Sorry. Anything you want to say to the readers?

"Yes I'd like to address the Kin issue. Now from the reviews it seems like a lot of you are angry and bitter over what happened to Kin last chapter. Hey it was painful to write that but like everything that happens in this story it was done for a reason. I won't tell you the exact reason but I will tell you this Kin Tsuchi is confirmed for the harem. Yeah so let that digest for a moment and P.S if some things in this chapter seemed vaguely or borderline crossover familiar it's because the Dude has finally gotten around to reading Ranma ½.

"Come one Majin I wanted to catch up with Berserk first."

"Right right this is MHX signing out thank you for not reading yaoi and chapter 20 will be released before January first 2013. Not making any promises on chapter 21 though.


	20. Shit Goes Down

WARNING: the following chapter contains copious amounts of grimdark and questionable storytelling skill. viewer discretion is advised.

Majin Hentai presents ahead of schedule Chapter 20

I own nothing and will not claim otherwise, Naruto still belongs to Masashi Kishimoto who will not end it until another time skip happens.

"**Argh my phlebitis"** Nixon groaned as he patted the small silver flames eating at his suit.

"Normal Speech" "This isn't over yet Nixon." MHX said dropping his shattered sword and willing his left hand to grow back.

'_Thoughts' '__**Damn this kid's good I have to bring out my secret weapon'**_Nixon focused his thought as something massive slipped in from another dimension with absolute stealth. MHX flew forward his fist glowing bright blue white.

**Greater Beings Speaking/Text "Engaging extraction protocol."** Declared a monotone voice declared as a geometric energy field enclosed Nixon repelling MHX's fist. **"Wahahaha Behold the instrument of your destruction Silent Majority!"** Nixon declared as he vanished and his savior was revealed a gray rounded face sitting atop an oblong body supported by two raptor like legs with four black flesh like arms ending in gleaming gray pincer claws.

"You mother fucker siding with the Anti-spirals you're worse than scum you're a reality show producer." MHX scorned as Nixon just cackled like a madman.

Techniques Being Used "Die you hippy Cambodian Rain Nixon declares hitting keys on his command console and the evil machine fired thousands of energy blasts the size of school buses at the author. And when the smoke cleared there was nothing laugh but ashes.

"I got him victory is mine!" Nixon laughed going into a wolfish howl.

"ROCKETTO PUNCH!" This declaration was punctuated by two massive fists crashing into Silent Majority's face.

"This fights just getting started!" MHX shouted from the cock pitt of the Original Super Robot the one that started it all Mazinger Z!

* * *

Chapter 20: Shit Goes Down!

* * *

"So… this kid's the one, huh?" Tsunade mumbled, hunched over the counter of the roadside stand.

"If, by that, you mean my apprentice, then yeah. He's the one." Jiraiya took a long drag on his saucer of Sake.

"Don't give me that." She glared. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. He's their kid. He said you were his godfather, right before he tried to use that Jutsu on me."

"… Yeah." Jiraiya glanced over at the boy, sitting farther away from them but still listening intently; Hinata was clutched close to his side, her face only a faint shade of red. 'She's getting used to his affections,' he thought with something akin to pride for the boy. "He's their kid. Named after my terrible book."

"… He's good." Tsunade let just a flicker of a grin appear. "Nothing but Kage Bunshin and Taijutsu, and he almost landed a hit on me. That transformation somehow took away all of his injuries, too." She sent the other man a sharp glance. "Did you teach him that?"

"Did I teach him what?" said Jiraiya, flushing red from the alcohol.

"That perverted technique that healed all of his injuries when he dispelled it. Did you teach him that?"

"Whuh…? Naruto knows something like that?" Jiraiya looked over his shoulder at the boy, a confused look on his face. "Since when?"

"Since he walked into the bar with the body and clothes of a hooker." Said Tsunade, tapping absently at her bottle. "You really didn't teach him that? Seems right up your alley, you freak."

"… I'm sorry, but I am not hearing you at all." Said Jiraiya, swaying side to side faintly. "I'm still pretty hungover."

"And you go right back to drinking?"

"Hair of the dog, my dear. Hair of the dog."

Naruto laughed softly to himself, but the words he half-heard the woman say had him thinking. _'She does have a point…' _he slowly patted at his side. _'I shouldn't be able to even move. I mean, fuzz-butt has gotten faster at healing me, but it's like I didn't get hit at all. What did I just do?'_

"**Try it out later, if it's gonna bother you this much." **Said the Kyuubi.

'_Stop listening to my thoughts, you damn fox.'_

"**Then stop thinking so damn loud." **

'_How can you think loud?' _Naruto rolled his eyes and focused back on the girl attached to his side. "Hey."

"… H-hey…" Hinata looked up just a bit, smiling faintly.

"You look comfy." Said Naruto, grinning.

"… A bit… you're really warm…" the girl simply snuggled in closer. "… I'm just glad that… you're all right, I-in the end…"

"Heh… alright…"

"**Will you cut the shit and just have sex already? This touchy-feely crap is making me sick."**

'_Way to kill the mood, asshole.'_

Tsunade sighed and placed the bottle back on its saucer. "You sought me out for a reason. Why?"

"… The old man's in a coma." Said Jiraiya, all humor from his voice gone. "Orochimaru really did a number on him. Nobody knows if he'll wake up, or if he'll be fit to serve if he does wake."

"I heard he had attacked. I hadn't heard about Sarutobi…" Tsunade frowned. "… But you're not looking for a doctor. You're looking for a successor."

"I told the council exactly what your opinion of Konoha was, but they said that either you take the job, or I do." Jiraiya shook his head emphatically. "Anybody with half a brain knows that I would be terrible as Hokage. I'd run the village into the ground. So, here we are, I suppose."

"And bringing the kid? And his girlfriend?"

"Naruto is my apprentice." Said Jiraiya, taking a long swig of his saucer. "I've been meaning to teach him after the exams for a while now. Kid picks up Jutsu pretty fast. The Hyuuga girl… well, there are extenuating circumstances, but long story short, its part a favor to the kid, part curiosity as a professional seal crafter."

"Seal crafter?" Tsunade glanced over her shoulder at the girl. "Her?"

"Like I said, it's a long story. We've also got a, well; I suppose you could say prisoner of war related to that curiosity. He should be back at the hotel by now."

"… So, you just waltz in here with your entourage of pipsqueaks, tell me you want me to become Hokage of all things, after your pupil mouthed off to me, and expect me to _accept_?" the blonde Sannin laughed cruelly. "What a joke."

"Tsunade…"

"Don't you get it?" the woman's voice grew hard. "I have cut my ties with that accursed place. I never want to see it again. It has plagued my life ever since I was a child… and its people are not much better." She glared. "You, Jiraiya, are the worst of them all, save that traitor Orochimaru. You have no compunctions, no morals, no sense of decency, and are the codifying example of the worst men have to offer."

"… This is about the anniversary incident, isn't it?" Jiraiya couldn't meet her in the eye. "I swear, Tsunade, I'm sorry. A thousand times, I'm sorry. You know in my right mind I would never-"

"But you DID." Tsunade cut him off. "And that's all that matters. You want an answer? Leave, before I plaster it across your face."

"… I'll… I'll come back when you're sober." Jiraiya stood from the counter. "Naruto, Hinata, we're going back to the hotel."

"… Okay." With many worried glances behind him, Naruto and Hinata took off behind the man. "Ero-sennin… what was that about?"

"… Maybe I'll tell you later." Jiraiya glanced down at Hinata. Naruto thought for a moment, before nodding.

"… Hang on, lemme try something. Pause!"

The world froze… and Jiraiya gawped. "Wh-what? What?! What did you just do?!"

"It's this thing I figured out early on into this time-loop thing." Naruto shrugged. "Whenever I say pause, time stops." Jiraiya's jaw dropped to the ground. "it's not perfect; I mean, I can't touch anything, so I can't just freeze time and then stab somebody, but it's pretty useful even so."

"F-full time stop?!" Jiraiya exclaimed looking wildly around. "And you're talking about it so CASUALLY!? Naruto, do you even know what kind of ability you HAVE here!?"

"Y-yeah, I think…?"

"Naruto, people were scared so shitless of the Yondaime they issued a flee-on-sight order because he LOOKED like he could do this! Seal crafters the world over have tried since the first seal was MADE have tried to gain this kind of power over time, and you're talking like it's no big DEAL! Oh my-"

"Okay, okay!" Naruto backed away from the ranting man. "So I don't see all the applications of this…"

"Oh, god, this is the powers that the Sysadmin was talking about, wasn't he?" Jiraiya looked as giddy as a kid in a candy store, running wildly around the street, doing absurd stunts in front of unmoving people. "Oh sweet merciful gods, this is the greatest decision I've ever made in my LIFE! HAHAHA!"

"… Was I like that when I figured this out?" Naruto wondered out loud.

"**Yes."**

"No I wasn't. I- yeah… yeah, I was."

"HAHAHA!" Jiraiya cackled. "Oh, this is GREAT! SO many different applications of this! I could complete research exponentially faster; I could move nigh-instantaneously, I could work on my books without any chance of inju-"

"ERO-SENNIN!" Naruto shouted. The sage froze mid-scheme. "I know this is great and all, but I activated this so that we could have a private place to talk. And… we really need to talk."

Jiraiya's manic grin froze. "But… I…" the grin fell, and Jiraiya sighed. "Yeah… yeah, I guess we need to talk."

"What the hell is wrong with baa-chan?" asked Naruto, cutting straight to the heart of the matter. "She's… well, she was a real hard-case the first time we met her, but now she's just being a total bitch! What's going on?"

"… I dunno what to tell ya, kid." Jiraiya looked away. "Tsunade and I… well, let's just say things haven't gone well between us. There's a reason that none of the legendary trio likes to see each other. Orochimaru, well, you know his deal. But, hime and I…"

"Hime?"

"Little pet name. She hated- hates, when I called her that."

"…You had pet names?" Naruto's eye narrowed. "… Wait a minute…"

"I… jeez, I feel like I'm digging up ancient history." The sage sighed. "Back when we were… younger, I suppose, I thought for a while that hime and I were… an item, I guess."

"…What."

"This was before she met Dan, obviously. Tsunade was over the moon with that guy." Jiraiya's eyes drifted away. "I thought we were just taking things slow… girl was an incredible prude, even though she had absolutely no chest at all."

"Now you're just bullshitting me."

"No, no, it's true!" Jiraiya shook his head. "When she was a kid, she was flatter than a board."

"I find that, and the fact that you two _dated_, incredibly hard to believe."

"…Yeah. About that." Jiraiya looked away. "I thought we had something… special, ya know? I didn't want to mess this good chemistry up by going too fast. You know, true love and all that crap." He laughed bitterly. "I was a naïve little squirt. It was only after she met Dan, and I could see in her eyes the absolute adoration she had for him, that we were never together at all. I was just imagining what I wanted to see. I was just a goddamn friend."

"… Seriously?"

"We're all dumb as kids, Naruto. Learn that real quick. I'm glad you picked up this Hyuuga girl. She's obviously over the moon for you, so you won't make that mistake of assuming affection where I did." He laughed. "And between her and Orochimaru, I learned my goddamn lesson about feelings. I've never tried to have an emotionally romantic relationship ever since; you're probably the closest thing I've had to a new friend in years, and you're family. You never let feelings get involved, you only live in the now and the tangible, tit-for-tat, and you never get burned."

"… But what does this have to do with Tsunade hating us?" Naruto asked, hesitantly.

"… Because of what came afterwards. It's… one of my greatest shames." Jiraiya pulled at his face and looked away. "I… don't like talking about it."

"I… if you don't, then you don't have-"

"Yes I do." Jiraiya sighed. "Because it'll probably be the reason we fail this mission." With a shrug of his shoulders, he turned back around. "Some years later, on the five-year anniversary of Dan's death, I, in a fit of liquor-induced insanity, tried to sleep with Tsunade."

"… You WHAT?!" Naruto exploded. "You- you- oh, motherf- WHAT!?"

"Yeah…" Jiraiya winced, pain obvious in his eyes. "We'd… well, we'd been mending bridges up to that point, she and I. thought we'd been building that spark I only imagined as a kid. Well, Dan's anniversary came around. We got together, we got shitfaced - I got INCREDIBLY shitfaced, more than I've ever been, before or since - and I… well, I said things. Terrible things. Things I only thought in my deepest, darkest, most depressed moments, about her and Dan. Said I was glad she was available again, that I wasn't going to tiptoe around the issue the issue this time, wouldn't waste my chance. Then I tried to make a move on her."

"You- oh, what the hell?!" Naruto screamed, his eyes wide with shock, and accusations. "WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Didn't go far, of course. The moment I tried to kiss her – and at that point, that was all I was aiming for, what with _romance_ and shit - she punched me through 5 different walls, and nearly beat me to death." Jiraiya pulled up his shirt and pointed at a series of long, pale, jagged scars racing up the right side of his chest. "That's where my entire left side of my rib cage was caved in and punched through the skin. Apparently I didn't learn my lesson when I peeped on her as a kid, and she did the exact same thing." He laughed bitterly. "I knew, as soon as I came to in a hospital that she would never forgive me. She hasn't… and I'm not sure she should."

"… But…!" Naruto protested weakly. "I didn't see ANY of that in my first life! I mean, she was a hard case, yeah, but she was willing to talk to us! You guys got along fine! You guys even hung out after she put on the hat!"

"… Really?" Jiraiya looked up, something resembling hope in his eyes. "She did that?"

"Yeah! I mean, she did drug you and all, but that was just so you wouldn't… interfere…" Naruto trailed off as his eyes opened wide. "Oh, shit. Oh, SHIT."

"What? Drug me?" Jiraiya blinked. "Tsunade drugged me in your first life?"

"It… it was a thing she did… messed up your ability to use chakra. W-we thought it was to keep us from… from interfering with her assassination of Orochimaru…" Naruto's hands flew to his head. "Holy shit. HOLY SHIT, she was ACTUALLY going to sacrifice you! She was ACTUALLY going to kill us both, oh, sonofa-"

"But she didn't…"

"N-no, she started fighting Orochimaru, and we showed up, and I kicked Kabuto's ass, and then she healed me when Kabuto got me back and she got over her hemowhatsit and gave me her necklace and agreed to come back but SHE WAS GOING TO SACRIFICE US!" Naruto threw his hands in the air. "She would have had us dead to rights! You couldn't even summon Gamakichi, and I can't even TOUCH her, and she definitely would have had the motive with your- WHAT THE HELL?! You nearly got us KILLED and I wouldn't have even known WHY!"

Jiraiya paled. "She hates me so much she'd throw Minato's kid under the cart just to kill me…" a hand went to his forehead. "Okay, okay, that's not good. That's not good at all. This mission just got a lot more complicated."

"Aaaaaugh!" Naruto flailed about a bit more, before throwing hands to his face. "Alright… alright… I'm okay… Somehow, I dodged a blow that by all rights should have killed me. For whatever reason, Tsunade changed her mind and started liking you again. Why?"

"…I dunno, Naruto." Jiraiya pulled a hand to his forehead. "I… I really don't know. If I knew how to make amends with her on this, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Having red ink on this issue has haunted me for a long time, because it's something that I never, ever do."

"Gaaaaah…" the blonde sighed. "Dammit, this is really freaking me out. I nearly got killed by BAA-CHAN. That's all kinds of messed up. I- what the hell, Ero-sennin? What the hell? Are you physically incapable of keeping it in your pants?"

"Hey! It wasn't like that!" Jiraiya protested. "I- it- just- booze and flames, especially old ones, are a bad combination, okay? I've never gotten even close to that drunk ever again; even today was tame compared to how smashed I was. Now I've always got enough faculties to know when to back away, so why don't you lay off!?"

"… Yeah." Naruto looked away. "Yeah, you're right. I guess… I guess I'm overreacting a little bit."

"I'd question the 'little' part… but you'd have justification."

"Shut it." Naruto sighed. "I think… I think I need to have a clone watching you whenever you're interacting with baa-chan, just in case she… uh…"

"Gets any ideas?" the sage offered.

"…Sure. Let's go with that." Naruto sighed. "Man… and I had such a good impression of who baa-chan really was, too… now I'm never going to forget she almost killed me…"

"Welcome to ninja life, kid." Jiraiya put a hand on his shoulder. "Somewhere, somehow, everything you do is going to be remembered, no matter how hard you try to hide it… and we tend to remember grudges for a long time."

"… Fuck this ninja shit. Let's get out of here."

"Let's. How do you start time again, anyway?"

"Unpause!"

* * *

"So, what exactly are we trying to figure out here?" asked the clone as Naruto backed away from the new body, sitting down on the stump.

"Not sure." The blonde shrugged, rubbing his toes through the grass of the town outskirts. "I mean, obviously we've got those dozen clones off over there trying to figure out how to stabilize that Satsufu technique Jiraiya showed us. It's got structure and spin sorta like the Rasengan, so, already knowing that should probably help give dividends soon. But… it's more than that." He frowned. "There was something up with that transformation during that battle with Tsunade a day or two ago. I actually got hurt while that thing was up, and it went away when I dispelled it. Something's up."

"You think shenanigans?"

"Thinking shenanigans hasn't steered be wrong lately." Naruto nodded. "Yeah. I wanted away from people in case I'm right."

"So, what, I just transform?" the clone asked, raising a seal.

"Try working up to it. Henge, Oiroke, then clothes. We'll see where things go weird."

"Right. Henge!" a cloud smoke revealed a naked Oiroke Naruto, aged up to the version that fought Tsunade. The second Naruto clone, sitting beside the original, tossed a kunai at it. The kunai scraped 'her' cheek, dispelling the illusion and the clone.

"Seems normal. But then, we're not curious about henge." With a quick burst of chakra, another clone stood there. "Now the Oiroke."

"Oiroke no Jutsu!" yet another adult naked Oiroke Naruto appeared.

"… Hmm." Naruto frowned. "That's weird."

"What?" asked the Naruko.

"Your tits. The left one's bigger than the right, just a little." Naruto circled the air to emphasize. "Not really noticeable to a regular person, but if you know the intended body shape by heart…"

"… Really?" The Naruko grabbed her breasts and squeezed them slightly. "Hey, yeah, you're right. That's not supposed to be like that. We made this so everything's perfectly proportioned and symmetrical."

"The clone screwed up?" the Naruto clone suggested.

"Doubt it. We know that jutsu like the backs of our hands. It's practically muscle memory. Same result a hundred times outta a hundred, even when we adapt the age." Naruto's eyes narrowed. "I'm thinking shenanigans even more right now. Dispel her."

"Right." Another kunai cut the cheek open; the Naruko dispelled just as easily as the first. This time, Naruto pulled three new clones into existence.

"Can't hurt to have backup." Naruto nodded to the middle clone. "Now with clothes."

"Right. Oiroke no Jutsu!"

A flash of smoke.

"Guh…!" the Naruko exhaled.

"Something wrong?" Naruto asked.

"… Who…?" the smoke dispelled. "... What?"

"What the!?" Naruto's eyes flew wide. "Why are you all busted up? I told you to just do the Oiroke with clothes!"

"Oiroke- what the?!"

Standing before them was Naruko… looking like a jigsaw puzzle with most of the pieces missing; Wrapped up in casts over the pre-created skirt and tube top, chest and stomach bruised so much as to almost be black, and quite generally looking like shit.

"You- aaaaaghhh!" the busted Naruko nearly toppled to the ground, screaming in pain. Naruto leapt from the stump, catching her on the way down.

"Okay, what the shit is going on here?" asked one of the clones. "Why does the clone suddenly look like she got stepped on by an elephant?

"… Definitely some shenanigans happening right now." Naruto scowled. "Hey, you okay?"

"How… how did you kidnap… the camp was guarded…" the Naruko clone gasped.

"Kidnap?" said Naruto, confused. "I just created you less than 15 seconds ago. You're a clone… or at least… you should be…"

"I don't… understand…" the clone gasped, clutching her side. "Tell me… or I'll… get real angry… you wouldn't like me… when I'm angry…"

Naruto's eyes narrowed. "… Because of a certain fuzzy bastard?" the female clone's eyes shot up, wide with shock and fear. "…Who are you?"

"Naruko… Naruko Uzumaki…" the female clone breathed. "You're… you're here to kill me… aren't you…?"

"…Well, I'm completely lost now." One of the clones muttered.

"Well, we've obviously found our shenanigans." Said another. "We just need to figure out what the hell this new fuckery is."

"I know because I've got the exact same problem." Naruto lifted his shirt and pulled on his chakra, exposing that black seal on his stomach to the world. The clone's eyes were as wide as saucers.

"But… that's my…"

"Your seal?" Naruto cut her off. "Your demon? Your torment from the village, your burden?" Naruto slowly lowered her onto the grass. "I have no idea what's going on right now. You're a clone combined with a unique gender bending technique of mine."

"… Oh my god. Bishonen no jutsu…!" the clone's eyes shot open. "You're… You're a younger version… of my Bishonen no jutsu…! A spitting image…!"

"… Wait, we become a bishie when we get older…?" a clone exclaimed.

"Not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, Sasuke's fangirls… on the other, Sasuke's fangirls."

"Will you two shut up back there?" Naruto snapped. The two clones backed away quickly. The boy turned back to the 'woman'. "My name is Naruto Uzumaki, and right now, we're on the outskirts of Tanzaku Gai."

"Tanzaku Gai…?" Naruko breathed, craning her head ever so slightly. "But… that was destroyed, years ago… wiped off the map… by that demon…"

"… How old are you?"

"Twenty-three… just turned a few days ago…" Naruko coughed mightily, blood flecking across her lips. "I don't understand…"

"… I'm thirteen." Said Naruto. "I started creating a variant of my Oiroke no Jutsu that involved creating clothes. I got into a fight with Tsunade of the sannin in the transformation, and I noticed some strange things. All of the damage I took while in that transformation disappeared when I dispelled it."

"… You did this…!" Naruko's eyes widened. "A few days ago… I was nearly beaten to death… nobody knew how… Even I didn't remember… but somehow, you…!"

As one, all three male Naruto's heads jerked up. "Oh my god…!" they exclaimed simultaneously.

"The Naruko Avatar…!" the clones gasped. "She's from a completely different avatar! Adding clothes actually nabbed her from a different multiverse!"

"Then, the shit we did to her…!"

Naruko began a mighty coughing fit, blood spewing from her mouth. With frantic movements, Naruto rolled her onto her side. "Hey, hey! C'mon, stay with me!"

"I… I don't think so…" Naruko laughed softly. "I… I don't have the Kyuubi… to bolster my healing… too many seals… so I can hide from the moon… no more benefits…"

"W-well, then take some of mine, then!" Naruto panicked. "We're pretty much the same person, s-so, shouldn't it work!?"

"I don't think so…" the woman spat a dark red blob from her mouth. "Hey… how did this happen…? You know… don't you?"

"W-well, my life is a videogame, literally. I've died like, ten times, but I can always restart, and, and, and I've been trying to figure out what's going on, and, and Jiraiya's helping me, and he thinks there's a multiverse for some reason we don't know yet, and, and this guy called Sysadmin says I need to go between all of the different versions of me in this multiverse and fix whatever's going on in order to fix all of Existence, and, and, I think you're one of my alternate mess, so, don't die!"

"… You're fixing things?" Naruko smiled. "…Good. I could use… some fixing… I did some stupid stuff… as a little girl… made some terrible choices…"

"Sure, yeah, tell me all about it, but not now! Just hang on!" Naruto moved to pick up the woman, but she faintly pushed him away. "No! We've got Tsunade in Tanzaku Gai right now!"

"And she's still… afraid of blood… isn't she?" Naruko grinned. "That's… what you're doing now… isn't it? She can't fix internal bleeding… if she's afraid… of blood."

"…But…!"

"Just, listen…!" Naruko grabbed Naruto's jacket and pulled him close. "Keep the others safe… the other Jinchuuriki… keep them safe…! They're the most important…!"

"Wh-what?"

"If they're safe… then the Moon's Eye Plan… it can't work…!" Naruko heaved, blood streaming from her mouth. "And Tobi…! He's the real bad guy…! Pain's just a dupe… well-intentioned, but misguided…! Tobi's the real leader… of Akatsuki…!"

"What…!?" Naruto sucked in a breath. _'She's trying to make things easier for me…! Telling me the secrets of the future…!'_

"And Jiraiya…! Learn what he knows… I rejected him, out of hand…so stupid… didn't think about benefits, just focused on his faults… he could've stopped this… could've stopped Tobi… could've prevented his victory…" Naruko pulled herself to eye-level with Naruto. "And Sasuke…! Don't hesitate… to put him down…! He's addicted to revenge… If you don't control him… he'll destroy everything… you know and love…!"

"…"

"I was a fool…" she gasped. "I let my feelings… get in the way… let our past cloud my judgment… don't ever… hesitate to kill him!"

"… I understand." Naruto bit his lip. _'I can't believe I'm hearing this… but…'_ a vision of Sasuke, screaming obscenities and murder threats behind his bonds, bashing Kakashi's head in with a weighted umbrella, flashed underneath his eyelids. _'… I think I can believe her.'_ "What about Metsuki? Can she be trusted?"

"Metsuki…? Who… who's Metsuki…?"

"… Sasuke's older sister. The middle child." Naruto frowned. _'Did she die in her version?'_

"What older sister…? Sasuke… he doesn't have… an older sister… he only had… Itachi… I don't… know what you're saying…"

'_What?'_

"…! Wait… You said… Tanzaku Gai… right?" Naruko looked behind her, the town filling her vision. "That's… another thing... watch out… for the demon!"

Naruto's attention snapped back to her. "The demon?"

"The demon… of Tanzaku Gai!" her grip began to loosen. "Sealed… it's going to break free… don't… don't… don…"

Her grip fell free.

Naruto felt the breath in his lungs freeze as Naruko lay there, unmoving, blood beginning to stream from her nose. "No…"

"… I guess we know what the Sysadmin guy meant by all the other multiverses headed towards a 'Bad End'." A clone walked up beside Naruto. With gentle hands, he pushed the woman's eyes closed. "She said stuff that… that… I mean… her world didn't turn out well, did it?"

"… No. No, it didn't…" Naruto bit his lip. "… Somebody go get Jiraiya. He'll want to see this."

"Got it." The second clone took off for the village.

"…" Naruto fell backwards softly, staring upwards. "Holy shit…"

"What's wrong?" Jiraiya asked, appearing in a swirl of leaves. "Your clone said something related to the Sysadmin, but he wouldn't-" the words caught in his mouth. "… Well, okay, then. What exactly am I looking at here?"

"You're looking at… at a new discovery about the game, marred by tragedy." Naruto sighed.

"Naruto, saying some vaguely ominous things doesn't explain why there's a very hot, very skimpy, and very dead woman at your feet." Jiraiya slowly walked over. "Who is she?"

"… She's me."

"Eh?"

"Remember the multiverse thing?"

Jiraiya's eyes slowly widened. "Wait… Are you telling me… this is you? Like, gender bent, alternate universe you?"

"Yep."

"… And she's dead." Jiraiya knelt down by Naruko. "… And in our universe. Alright, that's the biggest question-mark of them all, so let's start there. What's going on?"

"… I have a technique I created, called Oiroke no Jutsu. I used it to prank pervy old men like you." Naruto looked away. "Basically, it's a solid transformation that turns me into an attractive, naked female version of myself."

"… And you're only telling me about this amazing technique now?" Jiraiya scowled, wiping furiously at the thin trickle of blood from his nose. "But never mind. How does that relate to the dead body?"

"… I started getting curious about the 'solid' bit of the transformation." Said Naruto. "Thought maybe more could be done with it. Started trying adding on clothes to it. Couldn't do much, only skimpy stuff like you see on her, but it was all real."

"God-damn…" exclaimed Jiraiya, scratching his head. "You created a solid transformation, clothes and all? Stealth operatives all over the world would pay their dominant hand to have a technique like that. Continue."

"Well, I disguised myself as an aged-up version of my usual technique to find Tsunade in an adults-only bar, and then… well, you know what happened. I got curious today, because it didn't dispel when I got hit, and I actually bled."

"… Did you make a solid transformation of internal organs, too?" Jiraiya pinched his nose. "That's… Naruto, that's incredible. I don't know how you did it, but that's one of the most complex techniques I've ever heard of, period. How did it go from that, to her?"

"Because when I tried it again with a clone this time, it turned into… her." Naruto gestured at the body. "Completely different person. Adding on the clothes nabbed the actual person from the parallel world at the appropriate age."

"Holy shit. Multidimensional travel… in the flesh. I… I guess it didn't sink in until now. Other versions of us exist…" Jiraiya's eyes widened. "Wait, so, now, chick version of you… is dead? Like, that universe's version of you is dead after you stole her?" Jiraiya fell backwards onto the grass. "That's… not good, is it? That's not good at all, especially if you're supposed to be the lynchpin holding this whole deal together. Damn."

"Yep." Naruto bit his lip. "Turns out all the damage that I took when fighting Tsunade was transferred to her, and not to me. That's why it dispelled when I cut the technique. She no longer had the Kyuubi's power, for whatever reason, so she… died."

"Dammit…" Jiraiya picked himself back up. "Didn't have the Kyuubi's power? Why?"

"That's what she told me. Said it was the only way to hide from 'the moon'."

"Wait, she was still alive?" Jiraiya whirled around. "Did she say anything else?"

"Y-yeah. Told me a bunch of stuff." Naruto nodded. "Starting rattling off when she decided she wouldn't make it."

"I see… anything related to the future?"

"Uh-huh. Talked about Akatsuki, and a guy named Tobi, and something about the 'Moon's Eye Plan.' Dunno what that meant…"

"Good. Well, no, not good, since she died, but she knew what was important to tell us. Anything related to Akatsuki is vital information." Jiraiya knelt down by Naruko's body. "Now, why didn't you have the Kyuubi…?" with a gentle hand, he touched her stomach, his hand lighting up with chakra. A smorgasbord of black expanded out from his touch. "Damn…"

"W-what?" Naruto said, confused. "What's all that black?"

"Seals. An absolutely ridiculous amount of seals. Many of them highly unnecessary could've been condensed into a fourth of the space they take up now, at least, and made five times as effective. Whoever did these was obviously not a master of the craft." His free hand began tracing the symbols. "If I'm reading this right, though… most of these are to keep the Kyuubi's chakra locked up tighter than a virgin in a town full of man whores. Girl-you obviously didn't want even a drop of the Kyuubi's power circulating in her system, let alone be allowed to use it. So much so, in fact, that these seals went overboard; probably locked up a fair portion of her own chakra with it. Dropped her capacities from high jounin to chuunin, at least."

"… But why?"

"Hiding from the moon?" Jiraiya shrugged. "Whatever that means. If she was hiding from something, though, then there was obviously something bad going down in that place."

"Yeah…" Naruto jerked his head up. "Oh! I remember! She said that the Jinchuuriki were vital to the moon's eye plan!"

"Pardon?"

"She, she said, keep the other Jinchuuriki safe. If they can't get ahold of the Jinchuuriki, then they can't complete the Moon's Eye Plan." Naruto's face twisted up. "She also said… she said, she said that 'Pain wasn't the real leader of Akatsuki. Well-meaning, but misguided. Tobi's the real leader.' Is there a person named Pain?"

"… I've heard rumors of somebody called Pain, yes." Jiraiya nodded slowly. "Wasn't sure what his position was in the hierarchy, but your alter ego seems to have made it clear he's either a figurehead or the acting leader. Haven't heard anything about a 'Tobi', though."

"Well, apparently he's who we've gotta be watching out for." Naruto slowly stood up. "She also… well, that's not important. What are we going to do with her… her…?"

"Her body?" Jiraiya sighed. "Well, that depends. Those seals of hers are very extensive, very airtight. Wouldn't signal any demonic traces whatsoever. But that means that any demonic energy in her body is going to stay there for a long, long time. And with the Kyuubi, that's an awful lot of energy sitting around for the first grave-robber to come around."

"Point?"

"I say cremation. It'll get rid of the body, which clearly raises questions of why there's a female you running around, and why there's a second Kyuubi. It'll also keep her power out of the hands of any opportunistic megalomaniac. Lord knows the last thing we need is another Kinkaku and Ginkaku…"

"Who?"

"Some people from before your time. Before my time, even. They're both long dead, so it's nothing to worry about." Jiraiya slapped his forehead. "Agh. Dammit, Jiraiya, rule number one, never discount the supernatural bad guys for being dead… that's almost as bad as 'what could possibly go wrong?'"

"What?"

"Nothing. C'mon, help me set this thing up. We don't want to have somebody come looking."

"Jiraiya…" said Naruto, the flames of Naruko's funeral pyre still dancing in his eyes long after the ashes were cold.

"Yeah?"

"Is there a demon in Tanzaku Gai?"

Jiraiya froze. "… Is this something that Naruko said?"

"Yeah. She sounded surprised when I said we were outside Tanzaku Gai… said it had been destroyed by 'the demon' ages ago. She started warning me about it breaking free soon before she… died."

The sage scowled. "This would be the first I've heard of it. There's no way anybody in Fire Country would let people come to this place if there were a demon sealed here. Is it a Jinchuuriki, or just a localized sealing?"

"It… didn't sound like she was talking about a Jinchuuriki." Said Naruto.

"Damn. We should investigate thi-" Jiraiya rocked back on his heels. "Shit! Someone broke the seals on Sasuke!"

"What?!" the two of them were off like lightning towards the village. "What about Hinata?!"

"I dunno! But someone's after Sasuke, and she's back there with him!"

* * *

It was Naruto's flying kick through the window that ultimately saved Hinata from a chakra scalpel to the heart, throwing her assailant through the wall.

"Hinata!" Naruto called, pulling the girl to her feet. "You okay?"

"I-I-I'm f-fine…" she huffed, gasping for breath. "I, I, Kabuto-s-san…"

"Kabuto…" the boy growled ferally, whirling around and glaring daggers at the rising form. It wasn't the same Kabuto that Naruto had last seen, however.

"Kukuku…" the hooded figure chuckled menacingly. A scaled hand reached into the shadow of the hood and came away bloody. "You've gotten stronger since the last time we met, Naruto-kun…"

"Strong enough to kick your ass, I think."

"I don't think so. You see…" the traitor threw back the hood. "I've also changed quite a bit."

"HOLY-" Naruto bit off the coming explicative.

The bisected face of Kabuto split into an evil grin; the half of his face that was snake split his lips far up his cheek. "A final gift from Orochimaru. It's nice, isn't it?" the grin froze as a spasm ran up and down the serpentine half of his body. A tail snaked out from his cloak and stabilized him.

"Doesn't look so nice to me…" Naruto glanced around, looking for his mentor. _'Where the hell is he? He was right behind me…!'_

"Minor setback…" Kabuto shook his head wildly, sounding much more in control of himself. "Only half of the DNA serum was ready for use, and so it was not as instantaneous as I would have liked. But it will pass…" he stood straight again. "And then, I will show you the difference between our power, Naruto."

"I don't think so." Jiraiya materialized behind Kabuto, a scroll unrolled and already blooded. "BIND!" chains as thick as Naruto's leg sprang out of the scroll and encased the traitor from head to toe. "Try and break free, and those chains will multiply weight up to fifty tons each link. You don't want that."

"You took your time!"

"I sensed sage energy. I thought it was Orochimaru, but it was all wrong, so I hung back to see what was happening." The toad sage stared intently at the mutated Kabuto. "So, this is what our little double agent's been up to. Splicing himself up with snakes? Orochimaru's work, no doubt. Where is your wayward master, anyway?"

"Gone." Kabuto grinned, not struggling an inch. "Not a single person has seen him since the invasion."

"… So, not even you know." Jiraiya frowned. "You volunteered that rather easily."

"Because it doesn't matter anymore. Kukukuku…" Kabuto chuckled.

"What's so funny?"

"That you think he matters anymore." His glasses glinted eerily as he laughed quietly. "That you think Sound matters anymore. That you think villages matter."

"He sounds crazy. Think he's lost it?" Naruto drawled.

"Insane? No. enlightened." Kabuto shuddered violently in his bonds. "I know what really matters. What is the truth of our sad little enclave of nations?"

"And what's that?" asked Jiraiya, folding his arms.

"That we're all going to die."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGH!" a voice shrieked. Naruto's head whipped around.

"SASUKE!" he screamed.

"And the Aberrances will lead the way."

BOOOOM!

A midnight-black form exploded through the walls, breaking the chains binding Kabuto to the ground like twigs and carrying him out into the streets. "NO!" Naruto roared, leaping out the hole nigh-instantaneously. "What have you done!?"

"I did what must be done!" Kabuto laughed hysterically on the ground, as the black form meant to be Sasuke rose from the dirt. "And isn't it fantastic!?"

"Grrrrrr…" Sasuke rumbled, his body shifting and morphing before their eyes. From the shredded Uchiha symbol burst a row of inch-long spikes, followed by a pair of tattered wings. His body flexed, and grew, as the boy became ever more bestial.

"Sasuke…!" Naruto breathed.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" with a mindless shriek, the twisted dragon-like form whirled on the trio.

Kabuto laughed maniacally. "HAHAHAHAHAHA! Wonderful! See how the cursed seal twists him further than even the Aberrance ever did! With the other soon within my-"

WHAM! Kabuto didn't even have time to think as Cursed Sasuke turned with impossible speed and struck like a hammer on an anvil. The traitor flew through the air, smashing headlong THROUGH the reinforced walls of the Tanzaku Gai castle.

"Naruto, get back!" roared Jiraiya, running furiously through seals. "That's not Sasuke anymore! That's something else entirely! GAMAYUDAN!"

"I-I-" Naruto shook his head and quickly put ground between them. "I know… that's not him anymore. But what IS he?!"

"NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Cursed Sasuke flailed about on the ground, phalanges whipping about his body wildly as it was coated head to toe in oil. If anybody were to look, is would seem as though he was trying to tear himself to pieces, completely ignoring the two in front of him.

"He said something about a curse seal… and an Aberrance." Jiraiya's eyes shot open. "OH, SHIT! The curse seal interacted with the glitch, turning him into that thing!"

"Jiraiya!" a voice called from above. The two looked up and saw Tsunade on the roof.

Her voice, though, caught the attention of Cursed Sasuke. With a snap of wings and a lunge, he had crossed the 100-foot gap in less than a second.

"YAAAAH!" the busty blonde jumped from the roof and _slammed _Sasuke's face into the ground, before punting him across the street with all the grace of a field goal kicker. The entire second floor of an acupuncture shop was crushed. "What the hell is this thing?!"

"Good to see you've still got it." Jiraiya drawled. "That used to be our POW, Sasuke Uchiha, before one of Orochimaru's men somehow got him with a cursed seal."

"The Uchiha!?" Tsunade did a double-take. "THAT'S the Uchiha boy!? Why is HE here!?"

"Tell you over drinks. Help me subdue him first." Jiraiya slowly breathed out, a strange aura growing around him. "Where's Shizune?"

"With your Hyuuga girl. Those eyes of hers saw was happening over here first. They're getting civilians out of the radius, and then they'll come assist. I know how you fight; nothing's standing once you're done."

"You hurt me, Hime. You really do." Strange markings began to grow around his eyes. "Naruto, go after Kabuto. Don't let him escape."

"I-" Naruto bit his lip, glancing at the rubble of the business.

"We've got this. This looks like it's a bit out of your league, anyways." Jiraiya grinned (were those warts on his nose?). "I'd rather not reset so quickly, yeah? I still want to learn so much. Go kick his ass."

"GRyyyAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" a streak of black. Tsunade met it with an uppercut; Jiraiya met it mid-air with a searing blast of fire. The beast lit ablaze like a bonfire.

"GO!"

"r-RIGHT!" Naruto took off towards the castle. Jiraiya sighed.

"And here I was hoping I wouldn't need to use this form anymore… it's pretty ugly, ya know?" he grinned at Tsunade. She answered with a straight left to the flaming Cursed Sasuke, sending him reeling.

"None of my hits are even breaking skin, and the fire's not doing shit. What the hell is going on with this curse seal?" she growled, not letting up for a second.

"He's not normal, even by Orochimaru's stand-"

WHUMP! Cursed Sasuke had had enough, and slapped Tsunade aside with his tail like so many flies.

"Tsunade!"

"Shit…!" the woman scowled, picking herself free of the wooden rubble, slapping at embers on her clothes. Jiraiya scowled.

"Kuchiyose no jutsu…!" Shima and Fukasaku appeared in a flash of smoke.

"Ooh, Jiraiya-chan!" Shima croaked, looking down at her new perch. "I was just saying to Fukasaku that you haven't stopped in for a long time!"

"I hate to be rude…" Jiraiya cut her off, slowly extending the kabuki lines on his face, "but we've got an issue, and it's a strange one."

"Grrrrrrrrrrrr…" Cursed Sasuke rumbled, eying them with a mad gleam. With the flames licking up his haunches, he looked like something out of the pits of hell.

"And what is THAT?" Fukasaku exclaimed.

"That's the problem." With a swift move, a Rasengan began to form in his hands. "Tsunade, you up?"

"… Yeah."

"You okay with helping me take this thing down?"

"Even if I'm not, it's after me too, now." Tsunade fell into a brawler's stance. "Think you can keep up?"

"I'm not the one to be worried about, here. Is your Hemophobia going to be a problem?"

"… We'll find out, won't we?"

"I suppose so. RASENGAN!"

* * *

Naruto lunged through the hole in the castle, eyes hard. "KABUTO! Where are you!?" he roared. The shout thundered through the empty, shadowed halls, bouncing between the countless possible hiding places.

"Kukukukukuku…" Kabuto laughed, echoing across the stone hallways of the ancient building. "Do you wish to die that quickly, Naruto-kun?"

"I told you, didn't I?" said Naruto, whipping towards the source of the sound. Nothing. "Back in the chuunin exams. If you ever turned traitor, I'd kill you."

Kabuto laughed. "Kukukuku… I've transcended even my power then. I have the powers of a sage pulsing in my veins! Ninja the world over would die to have such power at their disposal. And you think you can kill me?"

"**BEHIND YOU!"**

"I think you are MISTAKEN!" with lightning-fast speed, Kabuto's tail struck from the ceiling, wrapping itself tightly around Naruto's neck. Only a second of frantic struggle was allowed before a sick CRACK! Broke the silence. Naruto hung limply in its coils-

Before turning into a splintered stone brick.

"There you are!" Naruto shouted, leaping from the dark. "Kage Kunai no jutsu!"

A wave of black steel imbedded itself in the wall where Kabuto hung; the freak himself, though, whirled out of range, leaving his cloak to be impaled. Naruto gagged at the sight. "Holy shit… you really did fuck yourself up…"

"No…" Kabuto's face split unnaturally wide; his tail, now revealed to be an actual live snake grafted to his body, lifted itself up and hissed as charka scalpels formed on his hands. "I've taken a step forward. It took Orochimaru years to gain this kind of power… and I've done it in DAYS."

Kabuto lunged forward, swiping the ethereal blades at Naruto's body, but the boy easily back flipped out of the way. "Hasn't made you much faster, though." Naruto muttered, quickly cross-referencing his last fight- and was swung like a flyswatter into the opposite wall. Kabuto's tail-snake, now firmly wrapped around his legs, flung him with all the power held in its coils into the floor in front of Kabuto, splintering the aged rock.

"When you have range and utility such as I, Naruto-kun…" Kabuto whispered, raising a scalpel, "Speed and power can be neglected for a time. And soon, they too shall come!" he slammed his hand down on the boy's back, instantly stopping his heart. "Unfortunately, you won't be here to-"

The log exploded into splinters.

"Blind Dive!" Naruto lunged down from the ceiling, crushing the stone where- Kabuto had been a second ago. The blonde quickly followed up with three roundhouse kicks to Kabuto's stomach, lifting him off the ground. Kabuto instantly shunhin'd behind the boy; Naruto instinctively head-butted behind him, catching the traitor in the nose. An angry strike by the snake connected- and dispelled the clone.

"A clone!? When did he-!?"

"FUUTON: REPPUSHO!" the Jutsu caught Kabuto head-on and unprepared. The medic-nin went tumbling head-over-heels into the wall. Two more clones were quickly summoned, and with a single motion, the doppelgangers held pairs of kunai. "Kage Kunai no Jutsu!"

Another wave of black steel… another dodge by Kabuto. For Naruto, though, it was the distraction he needed. With a roar of chakra, the Yondaime's signature spiraling sphere burst into existence between his son's hands.

"Eat this!" Naruto lunged at the traitor. "Raseng-!"

WHUD! The snake rammed itself head-first into Naruto's gut. The technique in Naruto's hands fizzled out as Naruto sank to the ground.

"Fascinating…!" Kabuto leered as he stood over Naruto, gasping for breath. "The infamous Rasengan, in the flesh… I was almost intimidated for a moment. I suppose Jiraiya must have taught it to you, but to learn it so quickly…" the medic-nin grabbed Naruto by the throat and lifted him one-handed. "I wonder…" he traced a slight circle around the smaller boy's navel, a disgusting parody of tender affection. "Could the Kyuubi be enhancing your capabilities? Not just your chakra, but your mind, as well?"

"Ghhkk…!" Naruto attempted a weak flailing attack, but coldcocked as he was, and with the hand crushing his windpipe and turning his head to white fuzz, all he could muster was glancing strikes on Kabuto's shoulder.

"Such power…" hissed Kabuto. "Power enough to rival the Aberrances, I wonder? Kukukukukuku… such secret thing I could pull from your corpse. I could wield an entire army of Biju monsters, a cleansing wildfire to pave the way. Or unlock the Sage's secrets from his mind? Kukukuku…" the finger pulled back, and became a ghostly blue. "But first… the beast must be extrackkkk!" Kabuto's body seized up, muscles spasming uncontrollably. The hand clutching Naruto unlocked, and the boy quickly scampered away, gasping for air.

"Haaaah… ahhh…" Naruto wheezed. "Mother of god… he was definitely not that strong before… haaaah…" Naruto slowly stood up; watching with horrified fascination as the scaled portions of the grey-haired man inched further along, encroaching further on his dwindling humanity.

"**Don't just stand there like an idiot! Shank him while he's distracted!"**

Flinching at the sudden internal voice, Naruto whipped out a kunai and rushed forward. With a final shudder, Kabuto regained control of himself, swinging a wide and clumsy haymaker at Naruto. Naruto slid under the attack easily, spun around on his knuckles and kicked the feet out from under Kabuto. With his body disoriented and airborne, Kabuto couldn't block the devastating side-kick that followed, throwing him bodily across the room.

"Hah…" Naruto allowed himself a small grin. "I'm a lot better in Taijutsu than your stupid cards say, aren't I?"

"Maybe…" Kabuto pulled himself upright, looking relatively unscathed by the blow that blasted him into the wall. "But then, I'm a lot stealthier than you assume, as well."

"Whatever…" Naruto reached for a kunai… but couldn't. "Huh!?" his head whipped to his right hand, completely unresponsive and deadened.

"Kukukukuku…" Kabuto held up a hand, covered in the glow of a chakra scalpel. "Deceit is the essence of a shinobi, Naruto-kun."

'Shit! Fox, how long to fix my hand?'

"**A minute at most. But you NEED to put distance between you two, otherwise you're fucked."**

"Dammit!" Naruto ran pell-mell down the hallway.

"Kukakakakakaka!" Kabuto cackled maniacally. "You think you can run!? When your body is swathed in the Aberrance's taint!? You can NEVER run!"

"No…" Naruto growled. "I'm playing hide and seek." Naruto slowed a bit as he came to a door, and a stairway leading down into the castle's gloom. "I bet I could get the others to help out in this fight…"

"GRROOOOOAAAAAHHHHH!"

"… Then again, they're all busy fighting Sasuke." Naruto bit his lip. "Shit. Down I go!" with a running leap, he plunged downward.

"**Idiot. The Hyuuga slut and the monkey-man would have made excellent meat-shields against this guy." **

'They were having problems fighting ONE messed-up version of a bad guy, even if that guy was Sasuke. You think we all could handle TWO at the same time?'

"**If you used my power, you- SHURIKEN!"**

Naruto instantly ducked into a roll, watching the weapons pass overhead. "How long?!"

"**15 seconds! Make room!"**

"FFuuuuuck…!" the corridor opened up to a sprawling room, with ledges and staircases, and eerie paintings watching his moves. "There!" Naruto grabbed the banister and threw himself off it, latching onto another 3 floors down with his feet, and dropping the few lengths left to the floor.

"Kukuku…" Kabuto laughed ominously from above. "You can't expect to outrun me forever, Naruto-kun…"

"Don't need to." Naruto called, glancing around the bottom floor; it was bare, save for a tunnel, blocked by a rotted wooden portcullis covered in old, faded sutra tags. The hairs on the back of his neck stood as he glanced at the path. "Just need to get feeling back in my hand."

"Really now?" without any warning, Kabuto was there, standing in front of Naruto.

"Wh-"

WHAM! His tail slammed into Naruto, sending him flying through the air; the portcullis buckled easily against the new force. Naruto retched up blood.

"And do you think I'll let you do that?"

"**You've got your hand back. Waste him!"**

"You- gahaack…!" Naruto bit his lip, hiding the pain his chest was bringing him. "You don't get a choice! KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"

A dozen clones burst to life. Kabuto grinned, both of his eyes now glowing an off-yellow hue. "You think that will work?" the clones rushed forward, screaming bloody murder. Kabuto blazed into motion, his hands burning with chakra, his tail-snake thrashing and biting.

"Eat shit!"

Kabuto whipped his head up as a body landed on him. Another clone, now grinning, wrapped his arms and legs around Kabuto. "Karma's a bitch, ain't she? BURN with me!"

Kabuto's eyes widened. "NO!"

BOOOOOOOM! The exploding tag attached to the clone's chest went off. Even with two bodies shielding it, the shockwave still sent the original tumbling down the corridor.

"Aaaagh…" Naruto moaned, pulling himself to his feet, clutching his side.

"Boss!" a clone not dispelled by the blast ran over. "You okay?"

"Y-yeah…" the blonde nodded. "Just, jostled my aches a bit…" his eyes clouded over. "And that clone's memories hit a little close to home."

"When did you make that guy?" asked the clone as they slowly made their way over to the explosion debris.

"I didn't." Naruto grinned. "That one was the guy I had tailing Jiraiya today; he must have been tailing the fight for a while now. I don't know how he didn't get dispelled, but I'm glad he was there." Taking care to step around the blasted-away masonry, the two knelt over the body slumped against the wall. "Damn. Think he's getting up from that?"

"You're kidding, right?" the clone responded. Kabuto's entire chest was missing, vaporized in the blast, and what was still somewhat intact was a charred husk, mangled and broken. Only the snake-like portions of his body retained an image of what they once were, with the snake-tail hybrid retaining the most complete image.

"Who knows what… whatever he did to himself, did. It… yeah…" Naruto stood, embarrassed. "That came out kind of weird."

"You just blew a guy to pieces, and have the memory of going suicide bomber on him, and you're worried about word choice?"

"Well- it's not exactly the first dead body we've seen, or even caused. I mean, hell, our first kill was Itachi! And, well, not the first time to die, either."

"True. Man, we are so messed-up it's not even funny." The clone blinked. "Hey, wait a sec. what's that behind you?"

"Huh?" Naruto turned around. There, behind a section of stone dislodged by the tag, was a section of wood. "Hey, yeah. That… that's a door?"

"Why's there a door behind a wall? Doesn't that defeat the purpose of a door?"

"No kidding." Naruto walked over and began pulling free other bricks from the door. "Hey, make sure that fucker's extra-dead. Maybe he's got a bounty on him or something from the invasion."

"Bounty collectors want heads, right?"

"Yeah."

After a minute or so of work, the majority of the door was revealed. The clone, finally separating the head from the body, glanced up. "So, what do you think it is?"

"Dunno." The boy traced unrecognizable symbols in the woodwork. "… Don't these look like seals to you?"

"Maybe…" the clone wandered over, head in his hand.

"Dammit, put that nasty thing down first."

"Whatever." Chuck. "Okay, where is this thing?"

"All over the door." Naruto scratched at one of the symbols. "Don't look like any I've ever seen before."

"**If you want to know, you should ask." **Said the Kyuubi, after a long period of silence.

"What, you know what these are, fuzzy?" Naruto said out loud, for the benefit of the clone.

"**I've seen them in action. They're exorcism seals."**

"Exorcism?"

"**Branch of sealing, made to kill demons. They don't, not really, but they can get pretty damn close. They're not a worry to any Biju, since even the Shukaku's too powerful to be seriously hurt by just these, but a lesser demon can get absolutely wrecked by these sutras."**

"You're awfully helpful."

"**That was a good fight." **growled the fox. **"It cleared the haze from my mind a bit, even if you didn't use my power. For a while, at least, I can stop thinking with only my dick and be a rational being once more."**

"… And you can't be rational all the time?"

"**Don't I wish. My behavior has been appalling for the however-many-years we've been doing this loop." **The fox shuddered in his cage. **"I can't even take myself seriously anymore, but as long as this damnable fog around my mind doesn't go away, I'm going to keep acting like I have a permanent boner. Even this temporary sanity will fade soon, and I can't do shit to stop it."**

"… Huh. I was thinking you got less obsessed with sex after big battles." The boy frowned. "Then again, I thought you were just a really horny bastard. So… this 'fog'. This isn't natural for you? Like, you're a fox. Maybe you're in heat or something?"

"**Not in the slightest."** The fox rumbled.** "One, I'm not a bitch or a vixen; men don't 'go into heat'. Two, Biju don't have sex drives. Unlike other, more traditional demons, who have corporeal origins, I'm a being of chakra and emotion, pulled from the ether by the Sage of Six Paths. Why would I need to have sex? I do it an awful lot, sure, but it's to prove my domination and superiority, not out of any pleasure or reproductive need. It's you mammalian fleshbags that get any physical use or good feelings out of it. I'm hoping that you having sex will vicariously sate this unnatural urge of mine, which is why I push so hard on that now that you've got a primed and willing participant, but if you're so damn unwilling on that front, finding whatever is messing with my head will also do just fine."**

"…Oh. Good… good to know. I'll… try and give you less crap about it, I guess if you're not usually like this…? Ugh. Whatever." Naruto stepped away from the door. "So, this is where the demon Naruko talked about is. Think we can brick this part up again, o clone of mine?"

"I bet we could. Let's-"

The castle rumbled a muffled crash of stone echoing down into the basement. Naruto's eyes widened. "Shit! Sasuke!"

"They haven't beaten him yet!?" The clone looked upward, worriedly. "If two Sannin can't beat him like that…"

"You stay here and brick this back up so nobody finds it again. I'll go see if I can help them!" Naruto took off running, running pell-mell for the stairs. The clone looked back, biting his lip softly.

"Yeah… go get 'em, boss…"

Naruto rushed out the yawning hole in the stone walls just in time to see Cursed Sasuke smash his tail right into Jiraiya's face, sending the sage spinning wildly down the road. "Ero-sennin!"

"GRRrrrrrrRRRRRAAAHH!" Cursed Sasuke whirled about at the sound of his call and snarled, revealing a mouth full of too many jagged teeth. He lunged forward- and was yanked back.

"No you don't!" Tsunade shouted, gripping him by his tail. With a herculean show of strength, the legendary sucker lifted the deformed body from the ground and began spinning him around in a textbook tornado throw, before slamming him brutally into the ground, cratering his massive body.

"What're you doing, brat!?" Tsunade shouted.

"Kabuto's dead! I thought you could use some help!" Naruto quickly formed a dozen clones, before rushing off towards Jiraiya. "Help Baa-chan out, a'ight?"

"Yes, boss!"

"Ero-sennin!" Naruto skidded to a halt by the man. "You okay?"

"Urgh." He grunted. "I'm fine. Sage Mode makes me a lot sturdier than normal… still hurts like a bitch, though."

"Why haven't you guys beaten him yet?" Naruto glanced back at the beast tearing through his home-made squad. "I mean, both of you are crazy strong! I would've thought you'd be the ones coming to help me!"

"The damn thing's invulnerable." Jiraiya scowled, glaring at Cursed Sasuke. "We've been wailing on that thing for ages, and we haven't even managed to break skin on it, let alone bleed or seriously hurt it; all we can do is stun the thing. That it doesn't bleed is good for keeping Tsunade involved, but if WE'RE the only ones getting smacked around…"

"I-Isn't there any way to stop him? Like, can't you turn him back with your crazy god-powers?" Naruto exclaimed.

"I don't KNOW how to use these powers, Naruto! I got them exactly ONE WEEK AGO!" Jiraiya roared.

"Jiraiya-chan, please calm down." Shima cooed from atop his shoulder. "The boy meant no harm in it."

"I know that, but, what are we supposed to do?" Jiraiya stood. "I've never fought an enemy that's invulnerable! Fought a lot of 'immortals', but not something that literally can't be hurt!"

"…Grrr!" with a growl of frustration, Naruto pulled on the Kyuubi's power, forming the one-tailed cloak around his body. **"Fuck this!"** with an animalistic battle cry, Naruto rushed forward.

Cursed Sasuke met him him halfway, clawed hands ripping and tearing at the cloak. Naruto struck with a right hook; the cloak followed with a shattering two-handed hammer strike. He followed with a rising body kick, a leap, and a severe axe heel drop, finishing the combo with a roundhouse kick to the body, sending the monster flying into a building. The Jinchuuriki landed, panting slightly.

"**Dammit…!"** Naruto panted. **"That was like… kicking a brick wall!"**

"I told you…" Jiraiya growled. "He can't fight for shit, but if he can't be injured, he doesn't need to! We're only tiring ourselves out battling it!"

Tsunade glanced sharply at the sage. "Why is this thing even here, Jiraiya? What is it you're not telling me?"

"Way above your pay grade, hime." Jiraiya shook his head. "All that's needed is that that thing is Sasuke Uchiha, and he's not like that by choice. Leave it at that."

"You think not telling me why we're fighting a monster will make me want to come back to the village, let alone lead it?" she glared.

"It's not a village issue. This is between me and Naruto." Jiraiya declared, his triangular teeth clacking together loudly. "Sarutobi doesn't even know about this."

"… Fine." Tsunade watched as the ruins of the gambling den shifted, revealing Cursed Sasuke once more. "This isn't over."

"It never is." Jiraiya reached down, forming the familiar position of the Rasengan. "Naruto, what if we tried a double-Rasengan attack? Maybe that would-"

The world froze. Naruto froze with it.

"What!?" Jiraiya exclaimed, whirling around as the colors bled away. "But-! We didn't pause the world!"

"_**Of course you didn't, nitwit. That would be our doing." **_

Jiraiya's head whipped up towards his shoulder. "Fukasaku? What are you…?"

"_**U-um… Jiraiya-san, I'm sorry about… barging in like this, but…" **_Shima mumbled. _**"You seemed to be having difficulties… understanding your new powers…"**_

"Powers? How did you-" Jiraiya's eyes shot wide then narrowed. "You're with the Sysadmins."

"_**We ARE Sysadmin. There's more than one of us, you know." **_Said Fukasaku. _**"Now, if you're done with asking the obvious questions, we can get back to fighting the ridiculously easy-to-solve bug. Seriously, we could have solved this one in ten seconds. You're a pretty shitty head of support, aren't you?"**_

"_**That's… not very nice of you to say, you know…"**_

"…" Jiraiya's face twitched, a slight vein bulging on his forehead.

"_**See… look… you've made him angry now…" **_Shima patted the sage's hair softly. _**"I'm sorry… my sister can sometimes be… a little hotheaded. Even kind of mean…"**_

"_**I'M the hotheaded one!? You're saying that-"**_

Jiraiya snarled. "ENOUGH!" both of his hands flew up to the faces of the toads, silencing any response. "I don't know who you two think you are, but all you've done so far is possess the bodies of two toads I care for quite a bit and then bitch in my ear, while there's a fight going on that you yanked me away from while there's people I care about in danger! I'm tired, I'm getting the shit kicked out of me, and I'm hanging around one of the world's most volatile exes with an axe to grind with me, so I am NOT in the mood for this shit! If you're going to help me, fine, but shut up and help, then! Otherwise, LEAVE!"

"…" the two toads remained silent. Jiraiya lowered his hands from their mouths. _**"Very well, then, Jiraiya of the Sannin. You command us to remain silent, and so we shall." **_Fukasaku folded his arms.

"_**But know, Jiraiya of the Sannin… that regardless of your importance… you do not get to make demands of us lightly." **_Shima shook her head. _**"Your arrogance… will be your punishment."**_

"Wait, what?"

"_**Let it be known, then," **_both toad elders intoned, a deep bassy echo leaping from their diminutive bodies, _**"That Jiraiya of the Sannin shall never hear our words, or our wisdom, ever again outside of his appointed contract, whether directly or indirectly. Neither will he ever come to fully understand the conflict he now plays a part in. So Mote It Be.**_

The world rumbled.

**SO MOTE IT BE.**

Jiraiya's face paled. "W-wait… what just happened? What did you just do?"

The world bled into color.

"**Double Rasengan, then!"** Naruto held out a hand, the iconic technique forming quickly beneath the cloak. **"You ready, Ero-sennin!?"**

"I-I…"

Fukasaku placed a hand on Jiraiya's neck. The man stiffened; a white aura began to encircle his hands.

"I… oh… oh…!" Jiraiya looked up, terrible clarity in his eyes. "No… I've got this." He rushed forward.

Cursed Sasuke lunged with inhuman speed. With a snarl, his jagged teeth plunged into Jiraiya's forearm. Jiraiya retaliated with a scream, slamming his fist right into the monster's jaw. The jaw exploded into a cloud of symbols; the punctures in his sleeve and his flesh disappeared without a trace.

"What the…!?" Tsunade visibly flinched at the display.

"RAAAAAAGH!" Jiraiya followed the reeling monster relentlessly, all technique, all finesse dissolving into a flurry of pain and rage and helpless fury. Cursed Sasuke could not have resisted against the onslaught even if he tried. Piece after piece of the monster broke away, turning into blackened, twisted text flying away. Piece by piece, something resembling a human began to appear.

"E-ero-sennin…?" Naruto slowly let the cloak fall away. "What...?"

"DAMMIIIIIT!"

His fist sent Sasuke, whole and untainted once more, skittering across the stony road, landing in a heap at Naruto's feet.

"Sasuke!" Naruto grabbed the boy, lifting him onto his side. The steady rise and fall of his chest met his eyes.

Tsunade stepped forward. "Jiraiya, what the hell are you-"

"DAAAAMMIIIIIT!" the toad sage fell to his knees. The two toad elders on his shoulders shot something resembling contempt at the man, before disappearing in matching clouds of smoke. "Dammitdammitdammit! How did I… I did it again… because of my goddamn big fat mouth, I…"

"What are you talking about?" Tsunade's confusion was evident. "You're not making a bit of sense."

"I…"

The world froze.

Jiraiya looked up. "YOU."

**ME.**

"Didn't you just swear to cut me away from all this?"

**I'M SORRY. THIS IS WHY I DON'T TRUST THEM WITH THE POWER I USE TO CONTACT YOU RIGHT NOW. THEIR WHIMS WOULD DOOM US ALL. AS IT IS, THEY HAVE FAR TOO MUCH CONTROL AS IT IS.**

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP THEM!?" shouted Jiraiya. "YOU… you wave the secrets of the universe in front of my nose, and then take it away just as I'm starting to understand! What the hell kind of god are you!?"

**I MAY HAVE RELATIVELY MORE POWER THAN THEY, BUT I COULD NEVER OVERRULE BOTH AND WALK AWAY UNSCATHED; I'VE LEARNED THAT THE HARD WAY. AND I NEVER SAID WE WERE GODS.**

"Well, it's pretty damn obvious from where I stand!"

… **IT IS, ISN'T IT. THEN YOU SHOULD REMEMBER THIS FOR AS LONG AS YOU RETAIN YOUR POSITION: ALL GODS ARE SIMPLY ALL-POWERFUL JACKASSES WAITING TO RELAPSE.**

Jiraiya wasn't quite sure how to respond to that.

**WE ARE NOT KIND. WE ARE NOT BENEVOLENT. WE ARE SIMPLY BETTER THAN THE ALTERNATIVE. I HAVE WALKED AMONG HUMANITY, AND SO I UNDERSTAND OUR INHERENT FLAWS NOBODY ELSE WILL ACKNOWLEDGE; I UNDERSTAND RIGHT AND WRONG. BUT EVEN SO, I DO NOT TRUST MYSELF TO TINKER WITH THE BUILDING BLOCKS OF THE WORLD ANY MORE THAN I HAVE TO; I TRUST MY CONTEMPORARIES EVEN LESS.**

"… Why are you telling me this?"

**BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DID, WHILE I AM STILL ABLE TO EXPLAIN. THE EGO OF A GOD IS NOT SOMETHING TO EVER SLIGHT, NO MATTER HOW RIGHTFULLY EARNED. WHEN A CELESTIAL PISSING CONTEST BEGINS, HUMANITY SUFFERS. THAT'S WHAT YOU INVOKED. WERE YOU NOT SO IMPORTANT, SHE WOULD LIKELY HAVE SMOTE YOU WHERE YOU STOOD.**

"… What does this mean for me?"

**I AM NOW BOUND TO NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN REGARDING ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF DIRECT ORDERS; YOU HAVE ALSO BEEN BLOCKED FROM GAINING ANY HELP FROM ME, MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE TO. YOU'LL NEED TO TEACH YOURSELF THE POWERS YOU HAVE. YOU'LL NEVER MEET US. YOU'LL HAVE NO POWER, OVER WHICH SHARD YOU JOIN; THAT WILL BE NARUTO'S DOING.**

"… So it's his story, huh? I'm just a part of it, now. Dammit… me and my fucking big mouth." Jiraiya chuckled sadly. "Was it worth it?"

**YOUR ACTIONS HERE HAVE REDUCED THE POSSIBILITY OF CAUSING A BAD END FROM 936 POSSIBLE PATHS TO 5. ANY OTHER DEVIATION FOR THE BETTER WILL PERMANENTLY STABILIZE THIS AVATAR.**

"… Cool." Jiraiya looked away. "… Is it reversible?"

**IN TIME? POSSIBLY. BUT A GOD'S MEMORY LASTS FOREVER, AND I DO NOT KNOW IF I HAVE THE CLOUT TO REVERSE THEIR DECISION. I WOULD NEED MORE ON MY SIDE THAN WHAT I HAVE.**

"So, don't count on it."

**NO.**

"… Alright."

**!**

The world resumed.

Sasuke's hand flew upwards to Naruto's throat. "GHHHK!" the blond gasped, his windpipe creaking loudly.

_**So this is the child in the way, then?**_

Sasuke's lips didn't move an inch, but the voice still rattled in his head, banishing every thought. Sasuke's pitch-black eyes, whites banished to darkness, stared deep and unrelenting.

_**You surprise me, child. Fufufu… two of my precious children defeated today. Perhaps they didn't choose poorly after all.**_

"NARUTO!" Jiraiya broke into a run.

_**But it doesn't matter who they chose, does it? You are just another pawn, after all. A remarkably resilient pawn, but a pawn nonetheless.**_

"GET AWAY FROM HIM!" the sage roared.

"Wh… y'r nt…shske…"

_**Does it matter? You'll all be erased soon enough. After all, I still have my queen on the board… I simply wanted to know the face of the one who could be so stubborn in fighting me. It was just a nobody, after all.**_

The hand released itself from his throat, and Sasuke fell to the ground in a boneless, unmoving heap. Naruto's legs collapsed beneath him, gasping for breath.

"Naruto!" Jiraiya ran to the boy's side. "What the hell happened?!"

"I… I don't…" his eyes widened. "Sasuke! He's not breathing!"

"Wha!?" Jiraiya whirled around. The Uchiha was still as death. "Shit!"

"Get out of the way!" Tsunade scrambled to the boy's side, immediately feeling for a pulse. "Shit! He's gone into cardiac arrest! Get out of the way!"

"SASUKE!"

* * *

And now, a note from the Co-Authors:

Holy shit, Majin. Twenty chapters. Ain't that something? We're actually still working on this thing twenty chapters and almost 4 years later. Damn.

_"Yeah the years just fly by don't they" Puts Excaliblog back in Ibiki's magic interrogation bag. "And we kept to our promise last chapter so no one has to suffer."_

E-Ehehehe... yeah, nobody suffers, I like this idea... but god-damn, we're not even done with the first avatar yet. We're damn close, though. Whaddaya say, Majin? Wrap up Standard Naruto in one more chapter and finally get along with the main premise of the story?

_"One more chapter might be doable but it will be one hell of a chapter long but not dragging on. Unless we get a sudden left field idea I think we could pull it off."_

In other news, Less Wrong plugged for this story on his site and in his favorites. Cool.  
[Squeals like a bitch internally]  
Is... Is this what it feels like to be an ascended fan boy, Majin?

_"Ascended Fanboy? No Dude we have barely scratch the surface of such, but hey who knew we could be trend setters. I'd like to thank you the readers because without your support and countless reviews. I would have given up and thanked the Dude for working with me on the project and left Fan Fiction behind. So thank you to all those reading this chapter on its release and those who will read it in the future._

Yeah, thank you so much, guys. You proved that this off-the-wall idea of Majin's has amazing potential, and that there's a possible genre that hasn't even been tapped yet. It's incredible, and it's all because of you guys.

But, of course, now that we've got the big-leagues reading our stuff, our first couple of chapters become painfully written. We might spend some time editing the previous chapters to take care of the casually horrific mutilation of spelling, grammar, sentence structure and overall bad writing. So, you might see some of that happening while we're banging out the last chapter.  
_"As always this is Majin Hentai X,_ And the Animaniac Dude_,_ _signing out,_ saying good night, happy holidays, _and thank you for not reading Yaoi"_

P.P.S. alright, then. judging by the early reviews, we went grimdark. we made stupid writing decisions. we wrote this very disjointed and confusing. and glitch shenanigans are overpowering the narrative.  
that's not good. that's not good at all. and that's also totally not what we were going for, but we seen to have gotten that anyway. alright, then. we hear you guys, and we're listening. we'll clean up our act. we'll take a good, long look at what we thought was a good story, but obviously is not what you guys want. see, we're not infallible. we're not always right. this is what you guys are for; helping us to know what we're doing well, and what we're screwing up. and we're listening, now. we hope that you can forgive us for this slip into grimderp from this chapter, and give us another chance to bring this back to the incredible story that we hope we can tell. thanks for staying with us.


	21. Drama Detox

A labor of literature brought forth from the molten muses MHX present CHAPTER 21

Naruto is the intellectual property of Masashi Kishimoto and studio Pierott. Please support the official release.

Silent Majority and Mazinger Z clashed toppling the buildings of Tokyo with their clashing power.

**"HA that piece of shit can't scratch me!"** Nixon declared laughing madly wearing an Anti-spiral bodysuit inside the evil machine.

Normal Speech:"A mecha is only as good as the pilot, so WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!" MHX shouted as a violent green aura enshrouded the antiquated mecha drills sprouting from its surface. "Take this Giga Drill Breaker!" Mazinger's arms became a massive drill as it flew at the anti-spiral machine which made no attempt to dodge.

**Greater Beings Speaking/thinking:** "**Spiral-Death Machine**** Activate!**" Nixon laughed as he hit the button and MHX crashed to the ground in a crater that only deepened as the force of gravity and ultra dense space was force on the machine.

_Thoughts: 'I got him now this entire machine is designed to kill any lone spiral warrior or upstart author.' _Nixon though while considering his plans for a second Vietnam War.

"You think you've won?" MHX asks one eye shot blood running down his face as the cracks spiderweb across the cockpit and the controls spark and burn.

**"I've already won without your precious spiral power you can't touch me you junky. And there's nothing you can say or do that can change that!"** The diseased mad man declared his jowls flapping about.

Techniques being used: "Oh really what if I say GAOMACHINES!" MHX declared as he cut his spiral power making the pressure recede before forcing the damaged Mazinger to jump it's legs breaking off from the strain. Before being enclosed in a swirling green energy sphere.

* * *

Drama Detox

* * *

"What the hell just happened…?"

"A-are you okay, Naruto-kun…?" Hinata reached out a hesitant hand to the boy's shoulder.

"No… no, I'm not frickin' okay…" Naruto sighed, clutching his head in his hands. "I'm not okay at all. My best friend just turned into some kinda monster, then he tried to choke me to death while talking in my brain, THEN he goes and has a heart attack, never mind the fact that he's TWELVE. Jiraiya's having some kind of emotional breakdown, Tsunade's probably not coming back with us, I just had two dead bodies thrown right in my face, Jiraiya- he- he is DEFINITELY not the dude I thought he was, and- and- GAAAH!" Naruto flopped backwards, flailing about in the bedsheets. "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!"

"N-Naruto…"

"WHY IS MY LIFE SO MESSED RIGHT NOW!?"

Hinata, after a moment of hesitation, followed the boy down onto the bed, worming her arms underneath him. "I don't know…" the girl whispered, pulling the boy close in a soft hug. "b-but… I think that you are strong enough to get through this… b-because that's who you are, Naruto-kun…"

"… I… thank you." Naruto slowly closed his eyes, breathing deeply. "Yeah… yeah… Sasuke's fine… Tsunade's looking after him right now… Jiraiya will get better… we can fix all this… yeah… I can do this…"

"I know you can…" Hinata smiled into his blond locks. "Th-that's why I l-l-like you, Naruto-kun…"

"… I have no idea how I impressed a girl like you, but I'm glad I did…" blushing lightly, Naruto reached out and lightly kissed her chin. The girl turned red. "Thank you."

"…" turning bright red, Hinata leaned down and met the boy's lips, pushing deeper into the kiss. After a minute of soft writhing, she pulled away, embarrassed but looking victorious. "y-you're welcome…"

"Well, well…" Naruto grinned. "That was rather bold of you, Ms. Hyuuga."

"I…" her face turned the color of a tomato, but she smiled. "I-I think I like being b-bold…"

"Heheh…"

"**Oh for Satan's sake, you're on the bed and she is all but grinding on your junk at this point. That was practically an open invitation, so just get naked already!"**

"_I swear to god, I will find a way to murder you in there."_

* * *

Sasuke lay prone upon the bed, his face pale, a cold sweat breaking out across his forehead. Naruto slowly turned to Tsunade, waving a glowing green hand across his body. "Is Sasuke going to be all right?"

"… In time? Yes, I think so." Tsunade murmured. "His condition is startling, though. After whatever turned him into… whatever that thing was passed, it was like all of his vital organs just shut down at once. I'm not sure a lesser medic could have revived him from that state."

"… but he's going to be fine?"

"Yes…" she shot a glance over to Jiraiya, slumping into himself on the chair. "… but unless I know what caused his condition, I can't do much to prevent it from happening again."

"…it's not going to come back. It wasn't like that. Besides, I don't think you want to know." Said Naruto, looking away. "It screws up your life. Like, you're just going around, having fun, doing weird tangential fun, and then boom. You've got weird depressing shit dumped on your lap, and you don't know why. Frankly, it's starting to piss me off."

"… I guess I have to take your word on it." Tsunade turned back to the raven. "… Hey. Go talk to that guy, will you? He's starting to irritate me with his moping."

"Yeah, sure…" with a quick shuffle, Naruto was over at his side. The sage lifted his head, caught sight, and sighed.

"Hey."

"What's up?"

Sigh. "Nothing…"

Naruto frowned. "Seriously, what's wrong? You've been like this ever since things calmed down. What happened?"

"… I…" Jiraiya's head dropped into his hands. "I fucked up, again. Me and my big fat mouth fucked up another really good thing."

"I don't understand…"

"No… I don't suppose you do." The sage sighed. "Kid… you ever feel like you're just one big cosmic chew-toy? That the guys upstairs are just jerking us around for their own amusement, and that they laugh at our pain?"

"… I don't understand any of that."

"Well, I just found out that the guys running this game of yours are complete assholes." A palm went to his face. "And I mouthed off to them. So, instead of teaching me how to use these powers of mine, like a responsible employer, they act like petulant children, taking their toys and leaving the sandbox because someone wasn't happy with them. And now they will never speak to me again."

"… When did this happen?"

"Two other Sysadmin possessed the toads on my shoulders and paused the game for only me. Then one of them starts bitching and insulting me, never mind the fact that I'm right in the middle of a battle!" Jiraiya's voice began to rise, his melancholy giving way to anger.

"So I call the bitch out, and it's obviously a woman, 'cause nobody can gripe about the most inane shit like a bitchy woman, saying that I've got crap to do and people to save! And what does she do!? She cuts me off from the EXACT same job that they hired me to DO!" Jiraiya threw his arms up in the air. "What kind of counterproductive BULLSHIT is this!? You'd think her ego was at ALL more important than keeping monsters like what the Uchiha turned into off the streets! But NOOOOOO, old Jiraiya made me cry! Let's take it out on him! Let's throw the mortal under the carriage and laugh at him! Well, FUCK YOUR SHIT, LADY!" at this point, he was on his feet, shouting at the empty wall, pointing at it as though it had caused all of his problems.

"You're… certainly feeling better." Naruto slowly began. "You're not mopey anymore, I guess."

"Mopey!? I'm goddamn PISSED now!" Jiraiya growled. "Fuck it! I'm not putting up with this crap anymore! Fuck the Sysadmin, fuck this town, and fuck this mission! As soon as the kid's mobile, we're leaving, and to hell with the council if they try and send us back! I just put up with one of the worst missions I've ever done because they think they can blackmail me! Well, you know what?! I'm calling their bluff!"

"I- what? Ero-sennin, what are you-"

"That's right, you wrinkly old sacks of shit, I'm calling your bluff! HEAR ME!? I'm gonna go back, and I'm gonna be the best damn Hokage you've ever seen!" Jiraiya struck a pose. "I already trained one, it can't be that hard! I'll rock their rocks off at this! FUCK THE HATERS!" with a boneless flop, he fell backwards into his chair. "Shit. That felt good."

Naruto's jaw could have been swept off the floor with a broom.

"… You haven't changed much." Tsunade sighed, attempting to repress a ghost of a smile. "You're actually going to take over instead of convincing me?"

"Course I am." Jiraiya nodded. "I just said I would, didn't I? That's a man's promise, and a man's promise is his soul."

"Uh- Ero-sennin, is this a good idea!?" Naruto hissed vehemently. "You're ACTUALLY gonna do this!?"

"Naruto…" Jiraiya's voice dropped. "I know for a fact that we're near the end."

"What?"

"When I got the cold shoulder, the sysadmin said that there are exactly five different ways left that this avatar can still go into a bad end. FIVE. Down from 936. Out of all the random actions that happen in a lifetime, there are only five impossibly-combined strings that will fuck us over. If we break all five of those strings, we complete this version of the world." Jiraiya grinned. "One more good action, and we might be done."

"… Are you serious?"

"Straight from the horses' mouth." Said the sage. "Now, normally I'd be very much against taking up the hat; I'd be bored senseless. But, I'm down with any choice that shakes things up right now. Who knows; taking the hat might just end everything right here."

"But… what about Tsunade?"

"I'm giving that up as a lost cause. I don't know what would have convinced her to come back, or to get her to like me again, but it probably didn't have anything to do with a Kabuto that decided to splice himself up with one of Orochimaru's experiments." Jiraiya suddenly frowned. "Speaking of which… he didn't do that in the first runthrough for you, did he?"

"No…" Naruto vehemently shook his head. "I didn't even know that Orochimaru was doing something like that. I would have gotten slaughtered if he did."

"Then… who gave him that idea…? Hey, where's his body?"

* * *

"Damn!" the sage whistled loudly. "You don't do anything by halves, do you, kid? Decapitations, explosives… you're kinda scary, you know?"

"Shut up." Naruto would have blushed, if not for the gory sight of Kabuto's beheaded corpse in front of him. "I thought it was karma. He killed me in my first life by sticking an explosive kunai in my chest."

"Ow." Jiraiya winced. "That couldn't have been fun." He knelt down, passing a hand over the body. "Still, he's dead now, and you're still- oh, no."

"What?"

"Look at my hand."

Naruto squinted, the dark corridor not helping matters. There, in faintly whirling streams over the knuckles of his hand, were tiny streams of darkness. Pure, undiluted darkness.

"Well… what is it?"

"Glitch stuff." Jiriaya answered. "Well, to be honest, I dunno what the proper term is, but whenever that stuff touches my hand, I get a tingle like I did when Sasuke was going full psycho. He wasn't doing this alone."

"But… but I killed him just fine!" the Jinchuuriki protested. "He wasn't all, blaaaargh, you can't hurt me, and then he got blown up! He's dead!"

Jiraiya rocked back on his feet. "I dunno, kid. If I could actually get some goddamn help around here, I might be able to figure this one-" his eyes widened. "WAIT! That Sysadmin guy, he, he listed off a bunch of different types of glitches! I didn't understand any of it then, but… what was it, physical reproduction, straightforward, no, subroutine activation, that's like Hinata, no, YES! Unprompted Storyline Activations!"

"What?"

"Naw, that's too long, let's make that USA. Kabuto here must have pulled a USA!" Jiraiya clapped his hands. "I get it, I get it! Naruto, back when we first found him he said that this serum or whatever he used wasn't ready, right? Right? Of course he did."

"Um-"

"And I know for a fact that spies aren't dumb, especially deep cover spies, they're made to be pragmatic. So why would Kabuto do something as dumb as this?" Jiraiya clapped his hands excitedly. "Because he pulled a USA! He charged ahead balls-first without thinking of the consequences of using a highly dangerous experimental body modification that wasn't even ready to be used, because there was a USA affecting him!"

"… I don't get it."

"Okay, look." Jiraiya knelt down, bringing Naruto down with him. "so, my guess is, somewhere in the future, for whatever reason, if Kabuto lives long enough, he uses this… whatever it is, and turns himself into this pseudo-sage, but ONLY when it's actually ready to be used. Because of this glitch, though, he used it way too early, and he turned into this thing. It accelerated the storyline of his life to where an action of his doesn't match up with his character! Kabuto's not dumb enough to do this before it's ready, unless he was forced to do this too early!

"Or, wait!" Jiraiya perked up, the proverbial light-bulb lighting up. "Maybe this would've happened in a different string of events, but it shouldn't have happened NOW, and the glitch pulled it over to here where we had solved it! Like, we diffuse a bomb in one scenario, and the glitch pulls a bomb over when we didn't solve it and it blows up anyway!"

"… So it's another fucking glitch."

"It's another fucking glitch, yeah." Said Jiraiya. "Starting to realize that these suckers cluster around each other. Kinda frustrating, but should make my job easier, at least."

"But…" Naruto scratched his head, face twisted in confusion. "How do we know if it's a glitch, or if it's just something happening because we messed around with the future? Or, wait, what's the difference between someone doing something too early like this, and whatever Hinata was doing? Or, are they the same thing, or what?"

"No idea!" Jiraiya smirked. "Great, isn't it? We get to figure this crap out ourselves! Should be interesting!" his eyes tracked down to the corpse, still spewing unnatural fumes. "I wonder, though… if he's giving off these glitch fumes or whatever they are, what would happen if I…"

The sage's hands lit up, giving off a faint glow. Naruto blinked. "You figured it out, then?"

"More like had it shoved into my brain by the bitch that kicked me out. I don't even know what I'm doing right now; I'm just flexing the right muscles." Jiraiya reached out, tapping the corpse on the shoulder-

Kabuto's hand shot up, grabbing Jiraiya on the wrist. "THE HELL!?" Jiraiya exclaimed, trying to leap back; the corpse's grip, however, was like iron.

_**Naughty little nobody… you brought a friend.**_

Naruto seized up in shock. "Jiraiya, that voice…!"

An ink-black stain, darker even than the shadows of the castle, oozed into existence over the severed stump of kabuto's neck. From the stain, came a pair of burning eyes and a jack-o-lantern grin.

_**And this one is touched, as well… do they think adding more to their roster will save them, little nobody?**_

"… Who are you?" said Jiraiya, staring a hole at the flickering caricature of a face. "Are you a demon? A god? Something else entirely? Who are you, that you have enough power to distort reality like this?"

_**Ah, the new nobody speaks! But it is the plaintive gurgles of primordial slime, unable to fathom the idea that there are those so far beyond him than will ever be dreamed. I waste eternity indulging you, nobody. You shall not have your answer.**_

The face faded. Jiraiya gave a start. "Wait!"

_**So you shall. I am become death. I shall be at your side at my pace, not yours.**_

Kabuto's body began dissolving into ash, traveling farther and farther, until even the hand clutching the sage's wrist fell to dust. Jiraiya stepped back, glaring at the pile. "… And that was?"

"… That was what spoke to me through Sasuke, when he started choking me at the end." Naruto began. "As soon as it left, he collapsed. Apparently his body shut down afterwards."

"Seems that's a common thread here. Whatever's affected doesn't last after my fix-it job." Letting loose a deep breath, he knelt and ran his fingers through the pie. "Dammit. Didn't even get any answers. This glitch person is smarter than the average bear about monologues."

"Yeah." Naruto exhaled slowly. "Ero-sennin, would it be alright if I said I have no idea what's going on anymore?"

"More than alright." Jiraiya scowled. "Someone needs to get off their asses and explain stuff to you. I'm cut out of the loop, so I'm just gonna be stuck fumbling in the dark, but you're the one they based this crap out of. You'd think they'd explain stuff to you, at least."

"Why can't this just go back to being me messing around in a video game of my life?" Naruto whined. "I was having fun, then."

"You could start over. You know, once we stabilize this thing." Jiraiya slowly began scooping small portions of the dust into a small jar. "You can do that, after all. Might be boring for a while, but it'd be simpler again."

"Yeah… I could do that." Naruto nodded. "I might do that." He paused. "Hey… Ero-sennin?"

"Mm?"

"… That's got me thinking. Is there any way to set things back before the glitch? You know, turn back the clock so he didn't fuck things up?"

"Other than starting over?" Jiraiya shrugged, slowly getting to his feet. "I dunno. I have no idea how these things work from a temporal perspective. I don't know if it just stops it at this point in time, or if it wipes it from all points in time. I have no idea whether wiping it out here and then going back to an earlier point will cause some kind of instability because events that happened because of the bug no longer have an instigator. After all, if we went back here later on and there was no glitched Sasuke, but still a glitched Kabuto, what happens then? He acts like glitched Sasuke's still here? The problem gets reintroduced even after we fixed it? I don't know. I don't really want to open that can of worms right now."

"… I wasn't thinking like that at all." Naruto rocked back and forth on his heels. He let out a small smile. "You're a lot smarter than I thought when I first met you. You've got all these things you pull out of nowhere about time and the universe, and I didn't even guess."

"You need to be well-versed in physics and the like to be a master sealcrafter. You probably should have a good understanding if you want to make your own jutsu, too, so you know how to make things work." He grinned. "It's not exactly something that's taught in a ninja village. That's something on the civilian side, and even then it's not exactly well-known. I personally think every ninja should be taught this stuff on a basic level at least, because understanding the 'why' of our ninjutsu can only help in the long run."

"Cool." Naruto glanced back down at the pile of ash. "So… what do we do with this, and the freaky voice?"

"We dispose of it, for one. Unless you've got his head stashed somewhere, it's no good for a bounty now." With four quick seals, the stone floor swallowed up the remains of Kabuto Yakushi. "Second, we get back to Konoha quickly, and we hit the library. We should at least narrow down the possibilities of what we're up against."

"The library?" Naruto wrinkled his nose. "How is that going to help us at all?"

"Might help narrow down who's on what side of what team. Since nobody talks about the gods outside of history textbooks anymore, it might be our only shot." Here Jiraiya frowned. "If we had any monks or priests still around, we might try talking to them, but after the Sage of Six Paths showed up, religion as a whole pretty much died out. No use for gods that are apathetic at best, malevolent at worst, when you've got mortal men killing god-level demons, creating moons and teaching others to do the same. You've got some wacko fringe cults here and there, and things like the Fire Temple for training and self-actualization, but otherwise…"

"Maybe it's one of them?" Naruto shrugged. "Like, our bad guy is one of the wacko cult gods?"

Jiriaya slowly nodded. "It's… possible, maybe. Certainly would explain the rather evil appearance it had here. But, that's all for a different time!" Jiraiya glanced at the shoddily bricked up wall. "What's that?"

"That's where the demon is. The door's hidden behind the wall."

"Oh. Shit. Did you open the door?"

"Nope. I'm not touching that mess."

"Smart kid. Go on. I'm gonna try blocking it off even more."

"Right…" With a final glance at Jiraiya pulling a long length of blank parchment from a sealing scroll, Naruto left.

* * *

Two Days Later…

* * *

"I'm coming back with you."

Jiraiya blinked. "… I'm sorry, what?"

"You heard me." Tsunade folded her arms. "I'm coming back with you to the village. I don't intend on ever becoming Hokage, but you need my medical expertise. The Uchiha kid is still weak, no matter what he says, and his mental state is a mess from whatever happened to him. I haven't abandoned a patient mid-treatment before, and I don't intend to start now."

"That's…" the man surreptitiously reached out his hand to the hotel room's desk to steady himself. "That's good! Good to hear, I mean. I wasn't… wasn't expecting that. Good!"

"Don't think I'm doing it for you, though, or your request." She glared. "I'm going because of my professional responsibility. The moment one of the council tries to force me into that hat, I'm gone, understand?"

"O-Oh, yeah, sure!" Jiraiya nodded quickly. "I understand. You're not there because of the mission." He slowly peered around her shoulder, to where her sleeping patient lie; once he had regained consciousness, he had apparently taken it upon himself to be as big of an asshole to Tsunade as possible without getting a wallop to the skull.

Naruto wondered aloud, earlier on, that Sasuke no longer looked comfortable in his own skin, and given Tsunade's psychological diagnosis, the statement was probably more accurate than he knew. The only time that the boy seemed to be at peace anymore was when he slept, that precious little time he had before the nightmares set in and woke him in a fouler mood than he had started with.

Tsunade had a point; if she left Sasuke now, he'd likely snap within weeks.

"Sooooo…" Jiraiya slowly pulled up his hand. "If we're not waiting on the Uchiha anymore… can we go now?"

"That anxious to leave?"

Jiraiya let slip a wry grin. "Would you believe me if I said that in a town dedicated to fulfilling every single one of my vices, I've had one of the worst weeks of my life?"

A short bark of laughter escaped from her lips. "No."

"Bah. Everyone's a critic."

* * *

Two Weeks Later…

* * *

"… And I expect you to keep coming around, you hear? Your elders probably aren't going to be happy about that, since I'm not taking you on as an official apprentice, but I'm not done examining you and WOW that sounds really bad for a 50-year-old man to be saying to a teenage girl."

"I-It's okay, Jiraiya-sama…" Hinata bowed slightly. "I-I understood what you meant… a-and…" her face lit up like a firecracker, but her eyes continued on their path to the blond boy ahead of them. "Y-You a-a-aren't my t-type anyways…"

"HAH!" Jiraiya threw his head back, the unexpected laughter bursting from his lips. "Dumped by a girl a fourth of my age! Oh, man, that's a new low even for me! Hahaha! You know what, I like you, kid, I don't care what the rest say. You've got the spark."

"Th-thank you…"

"You keep coming around for whatever tests I create, and I'll toss some of my knowledge your way, a'ight? You'll even get to see the punk up there more often. Deal?"

"Deal…"

"You're sure you're okay?" Naruto muttered to Sasuke, hovering close to the limping boy.

Sasuke gritted his teeth and bit back a curse. "I'm fine…!" he growled, glaring up at the looming gates of Konoha. "I'm not going to return to the village I snuck out of in a stretcher, no matter how badly I'm hurt!"

Tsunade scoffed. "Your pride isn't going to do you any good if you tear a muscle just walking. That's WHY the stretcher was created in the first place. But if you want to prolong your stay in the hospital just so your _ego _and _reputation _are flattered, far be it from me to stop you, brat."

Naruto looked up and glared. _'I don't think I like this non-hokage version of Tsunade all that much… she doesn't have any kindness to go with the harsh words.' _

"I was in that stretcher for the entire trip…!" Sasuke hissed. "I can handle… walking through a gate!"

"Hmph." Tsunade turned back, not sparing another glance at the boy. Shizune bit her lip at the display, but refrained from speaking.

"Damn." Naruto's eyes tracked upward, locking onto the gate-guards; one of whom practically had his jaw scraping the floor.

"See? Told you they'd do it!" the second guard grinned (_'what was his name?kokatsa? kokamaru? Kok-something…') _and thumped his chest. "You owe me 500 ryo."

"Later, man, I'm flat broke." The first guard leaned over. "Welcome back, Tsunade-sama. We'll open this up right away."

"No need." Tsunade shook her head. "I've got this."

"… She's not going to punch down the doors, is she?" Naruto whispered to Jiraiya.

The sage grinned. "Nah. Keep watching, this next bit is good stuff."

With a gentle hand, slowly pulsing with chakra, Tsunade reached out an open hand to the carved wood of the massive Konoha gate. In a flash, the woodworking lit up in a flowing tree of chakra, racing along the grains of the massive oaks. The door many times her height and weight creaked open on their own, swinging open. A soft breeze swept past the doors, catching the woman's hair, caressing softly in the sunlit afternoon. It almost looked like someone was giving her a loving hug. Despite her attitude, something seemed to ease out of the woman's tense frame, becoming less guarded, less afraid.

"Whoa…" said Naruto, awed.

"Yeah." Jiraiya grinned. "This village was literally made of the blood and chakra of the Senju. Power like that doesn't fade over time, and things that old don't often forget their charges. That was Konoha welcoming its' prodigal child back home."

"It's rude to talk about other people behind their back, Jiraiya." Tsunade called out.

"Ah, but this way I get to admire your butt as well! It's not as mind-blowing as your tits, but it's still a work of ar-"

WHAM!

"I don't know why I expected anything different…" Tsunade spun on her feet, turning away from the twitching mass of Jiraiya-shaped bruise. With a single hand, she took hold of Sasuke by the scruff of his neck. "Come on, Uchiha. To the hospital with you."

"Dammit, woman…! I can walk on my own!"

"The pronounced limp and shortness of breath that weren't there a minute ago says you can't."

"Dammit…!"

"A-A-Are you a-alright, Jiraiya-s-sama!?" Hinata squeaked, startled immensely by the sudden violence.

"Brrrrhgh…" Jiraiya sounded into his own foot.

"He just needs somebody to untangle him." Naruto grabbed him by his shoulders and yanked him up. "Oof! You're freakin' heavy."

"Baaagh… woof!" Jiraiya shook his head wildly. "No matter how often that happens, it still hurts like a son-of-a-bitch every time." He blinked. "… Why am I tasting purple?"

"Oooookay, you're not fit to be alone." Naruto turned to Hinata and smiled apologetically. "Sorry, Hinata-chan, but I think I'm going to need to stick with him for a while. I'd walk you home, but… you know…"

"I… I understand, Naruto-kun." Hinata nodded, a sad look undermining her smile. "Jiraiya-sama is n-not always welcome in some places."

"Thanks, Hinata-chan." Naruto quickly grabbed her by the waist and pulled her in for a kiss. "Mmm." As he pulled away from her, slightly blushing, he grinned. "Have I ever mentioned you smell really nice?"

"N-n-no…"

"Well, you do. You smell really nice… like lilacs." He kissed her again, more forcefully this time. "So, hey. Thursday, village square. We'll get some barbeque, that one place Chouji always talked about. Any conflicts?"

"N-no problems for m-me…"

"Great! See you at five?"

"I… I'll be there!" and with that, Hinata started the third round, more forceful than the last two. A soft nibbling asked his permission. The gates opened-

"That's it, that's it, now duck and weave, duck and weave! Flick to the left, now dodge! Now grapple! That's it, work the tongue!"

"EEP!" Hinata leapt a good ten feet in the air, the color of an overripe tomato.

"GOD-DAMMIT, ERO-SENSEI!" Naruto whirled, ready to kick the laughing bastard in the face-

"I-I-I sh-sh-should go!" Hinata ran through the streets, disappearing.

"You motherfucker!" Naruto growled.

"Oh, come on!" Jiraiya giggled. "Did you REALLY want me as an audience when you're getting hot and heavy? Better I stop you now before you get too wrapped up, or you've got a lot of random people watching you get to first base in the middle of the street!"

"I-" Naruto shut his mouth. "… dammit."

"Yeah. That's what I thought."

Silence.

"It was good, right?"

"Holy shit, it was amazing."

"Heheh. It's always the quiet ones." Jiraiya grinned. "Anyway, I should be getting along to those old fogies on the council to tell them about the change in plans. Walk with me, yeah?"

"Fine…" Naruto took a step forward, and stopped. "Wait… hang on a second…"

"What?"

"It hasn't happened yet…" Naruto frowned. "It doesn't usually take this long…"

"What hasn't happened?" Jiraiya asked, looking around in puzzled curiosity. "Is something supposed to happen right now?"

"Yeah…"

**FLASH!**

"There we go!" exclaimed the boy, as the world bled into sepiatone.

"The hell?" Jiraiya gave a start. "This again?"

"No…"

**Tsunade retrieved (Hemophobia): charisma + 20! Experience: 2500!**

"This is something different." Naruto gestured at the words. "This usually happens after I do something big. It's… well, it's kinda taking everything I did, and assigning points and rewards to it, I guess."

**Boss Fight Completed! '"False Sage" Kabuto (pre-shinobi war)'! Strength +75! Agility +75! Endurance +75! Charisma +75! Chakra +75! Control + 75! Stealth +75! Experience: 7500! **

"Damn!" Naruto blinked rapidly, staring uncomprehendingly at the numbers. "Holy shit, that's a lot of rewards! Was killing him that big of a deal?"

"I'm more interested in his name and that modifier." Jiraiya scowled. "If him being like that has a specific title, then it means it wasn't entirely out of the ordinary, just like we thought… and it also means that there's a shinobi war in the future."

"What?"

"This… this is bad. Really bad. Shinobi wars never end well for anybody." Jiraiya bit the inside of his cheek. "I think we just got a clue as to what we need to be stopping. Our goal, I bet, is to stop this shinobi war from coming to fruition."

**Boss Fight Completed! rgpoajdwf'kjg3qotPjk2p4qy5jh2pq3jjtgkeaj'gkwefjt;k ljq3vewpitug3[iutb4n019v88b6]18b2w5e18\b65e18\b-6] yu91[2qu**

The two men nearly jumped out of their skin as the sound of metallic screeching filled the air. "The fuck?!"

**ERROR: UNKNOWN EVENT. CONTACT LOCALIZED SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR FOR DETAI-**

**Recalibrating…**

**Recalibrating…**

**Recalibrating…**

"Sysadmin? That one guy?"

**Boss Fight Completed!** [_**NEW_EVENT: LVL._3_CURSED_SEAL=EN43754**_] **Sasuke! **

"Level three?" said Naruto, incredulous. "But… there isn't a level three, is there? And Sasuke doesn't even HAVE the cursed seal this time! How could that be a cursed seal transformation?"

"Hell if I know!"

**Strength + 20! Experience: 1000! [**_**NEW_REWARD: ACHIEVEMENT_UNLOCKED=BR705**_**]**

**Achievement unlocked!**

"Achievement? What?"

**Recalibrating…**

**Achievement unlocked: Ya Dun Goofed! (Cause a scripting error requiring in-game editing)**

"I…" Naruto's confused face slowly morphed into a scowl. "I… I think he's making fun of us."

"Oh, well that's nice of him, isn't it?" said Jiraiya. "We clean up a glitch, and now we're laughed at for it? What a shitty boss we have."

**Recalibrating…**

**Achievement unlocked: No Respect, I Tell Ya! (Bite the Hand that feeds you)**

"Oh, now he's just fucking with us."

**Prevented Greater Demon Release! Youki Control + 15! Avatar unlocked!**

**Jiraiya Willingly Becomes Hokage! Charisma + 50! Experience: 9000! New Avatar Unlocked!**

"There's even a thing about me?" asked Jiraiya, surprised. "That's… weird."

"No kidding."

**Level Up! Level 24!**

"Five levels. That's not bad!" Naruto grinned. "Plus, I get another set of perks!"

"Perks?" Jiraiya's brow furrowed. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You'll see."

**Strength: +26!**

**Chakra: +21!**

**Control: + 34!**

**Bonus: Charisma: +13!**

**Bonus: Stealth: +9!**

**Bonus: Endurance: +10!**

**Bonus: Agility: +7!**

"Seriously, what IS that?" jiriaya exclaimed, pointing at the readout. "Charisma, agility, whatever! What is that?"

"It's… like, um… well…" Naruto's face screwed up in thought. "uh… basically, these are my 'stats', and I get them as rewards, and then… well, I guess I get changed by them. I get stronger, faster, better chakra control, that sort of thing."

"… So you just get these… 'stats', for free?" said Jiraiya. "And, what, just, poof! You're stronger?"

"Yyyeah, pretty much."

"And when were you planning on telling me about this?"

"I was gonna tell you sooner or later!" Naruto protested. "Why? You sound pissed!"

"It… it feels like cheating." Jiraiya's hand snaked its' way to the bridge of his nose. "Everybody else in the world has to use sweat and blood and tears and have to fight to make themselves better. But not you. You just do a few important things, and then voila! You've got the strength of a god and can't be seen by the human eye when you're not wearing pants! That… that doesn't sit right with me, as a teacher. It's like it's encouraging you to not rely on anyone but yourself, or to simply use others for callous gains."

"Oh come on!" Naruto shouted, throwing his hands in the air. "It's not like that at all!"

"Really? Are you sure?" Jiraiya shook his head. "We'll see. What's this, now?"

**Game Mod not fully used: event uses refilled!**

**Available Skills:**

**Taijutsu Evolution: Creates one new technique for any mastered Style. One use, Stackable Ten Tiers.**

**Genjutsu Evolution: Creates one new technique for any mastered Discipline. One use, Stackable Ten Tiers.**

**Ninjutsu Evolution: Creates one new technique for any mastered Element. One use, Stackable Ten Tiers.**

**Chakra Evolution: creates one new usable manipulation of chakra. (I.E. water walking, tree walking, ETC.) One use, Stackable Ten Tiers.**

**Demonic Evolution: Creates one new demonic power. One use, Stackable Ten Tiers.**

**Silver-Tongued: When put into effect, the user can cause whoever they are talking to to believe And/or do whatever the user tells them to. Three uses, Stackable Five Tiers.**

**Sixth Sense: When put into effect, a force field of hyper-awareness is formed around the user, allowing for pseudo-omniscience within the field. This force field can be freely manipulated in size and detail of awareness. Time Limit, One Hour. Three uses, Stackable Three Tiers.**

**Cheap Shot: When put into effect, the power of precognition is granted, allowing future sight of the enemy's movements, and the insight into how to best disrupt and attack. Time Limit, One Battle. Three uses, Stackable Five Tiers.**

**Third Eye: Allows the user access to the Third Eye, an ability that allows the user to see the world as it really is, piercing illusions and allowing true sight of both people and the world's auras. WARNING: whatever is seen while using the Third Eye, no matter how terrible or saddening or beautiful, cannot ever be forgotten. Unlimited uses, Stackable Three Tiers.**

**Game Mod II: ****When put into effect, the laws of non-interference in Pause mode are disregarded, allowing interference with the world. The Effects last for one personal interference and one environmental interference, or the casting of one Jutsu; The Radius of effect is extended by one mile. Three uses, Stackable Three Tiers.**

**Second Wind: from the depths of death, comes life. When the user is nearing the point of death, half of their total vitality is restored. Activated Automatically. One use, Stackable One Tier.**

**Lucky Lucky: All the luck in the world is yours. The luck stat is increased by 1000. Time Limit, One Day. One use, Non-Stackable.**

**Waldo: When activated, the user becomes just another face in the crowd. When the user is in a group of three or more individuals, invisibility, both physical and spiritual, is granted towards civilians and ninjas up to Genin level. Three uses, Stackable Five Tiers.**

**Reprogram: When activated, the user's development is wiped clean, allowing a fresh start. The user's stat points can be reassigned to whichever stat they so choose. One use, Stackable One Tier.**

**Delete System32: when put into effect, the world ends. This final-solution choice completely erases an avatar and it's world from existence; the world, and it's people, will be as if they never existed. Use of this is only recommended if there are absolutely no other choices to take. One Use, Non-stackable.**

"DON'T CHOOSE THAT!" Jiaiya screamed.

"A-ah!" Naruto jerked away. "Of course not, Ero-sennin! What do you take me for, an idiot!? I'm not gonna go and end the world, dammit!"

"It never hurts to be safe on these things!" Jiraiya lowered his hands away from his aprentice's throat. "Why would they even put an event like that in there? Why would we WILLINGLY destroy a multiverse permanently?"

"I don't know… that wasn't there the last time I did this." With a shrug, his eyes went back to the list.

**Scan: when activated, you know others like the back of your hand. When targeted on a person, most of the basic information about them is revealed; repeated uses of the ability will reveal more about the target. 15 uses, Stackable Two Tiers.**

**Stat Vampire: Their loss is your gain. When activated, the user can drain up to 50 points from a target's main stats: Strength, Chakra, Control, Agility, Endurance, Charisma, or Intelligence. Only works if the user is greater than or equal to the target in the stat to be drained. Time Limit: 169 hours. Six uses, Stackable Two Tiers.**

**Three-Day Revival: When activated, the target will rise again. If a mortal being has died within a lunar month and has more than 50 percent of their body intact, the user can sacrifice 100,000 XP to return them to a whole life 3 days after use. WARNING: unaided, the target will only live ten years max past revival. One use, Stackable Five Tiers.**

"My god…!" Jiraiya breathed. "So much power…! Clans have gone extinct! Geniuses drove themselves to madness! Men made deals with fallen gods and demons! Countless souls were sacrificed to the altar of power, and they STILL would not have scratched the surface of what you're being handed on a gilded platter here!"

"Mmmmyep." Naruto said with a beaming grin. "Which one should I pick?"

"Decisions, decisions…" Jiraiya thumbed his chin. "There's a lot to choose from. Game Mod, is that how you pulled off that win against Arashi?"

"Yeah. You heard about that?"

"Yep. From what I hear, you were clearly outmatched, but then you used some tags that nobody even saw you set up. It had some people wondering just how skilled you really were." Jiraiya frowned. "But instead of skill, you just cheated the laws of time and space. That's not exactly what I wanted to see to give me hope for you."

"… That hurt, Ero-sennin." Naruto looked away. "I'm good… you know I've got skill…"

"Really?" Jiraiya pointed at the list. "Because it seems to me that you're being handed your skill. You know my opinion on hard workers and geniuses. I thought your rapid improvement was proof that you were a hard worker and wanted to succeed. Now I see differently."

"… That's what you think, huh?" Naruto turned his back to the sage, bowing his head so the tears forming in his eyes weren't seen. "That's all you think of me, then?"

"That's all I think of this easy way into glory. It's fake." Jiraiya looked back up to the list. "But enough of that. In my opinion, I think you should go with Second Wind. It'll be good help in the short term, which is exactly what we need. Third Eye looks interesting, but that disclaimer has me worried, and Luck is too much of a capricious thing to trust on for Lucky Lucky. That, or Costly Revival. That could certainly shake things up if we revived somebody important."

"…" With an angry fist, Naruto punched the list.

**Third Eye Selected! To Activate, simply say 'Open the Third Eye'! To deactivate, say 'Close the Third Eye'!**

"Naruto, what are you-"

"Now I know EXACTLY why you got slapped down by those two. Why you got rejected by Tsunade. And why YOU aren't the hero of this game." Naruto whirled away from the sage. "You go meet with your fucking council. I'm going to see Jiji." He sprinted away.

"Naruto! NARUTO!"

He didn't look back once.

* * *

"Oh my, oh my…" the receptionist muttered, fanning herself heavily. "Oh my, oh my… Tsunade-sama is…"

"Where is she?" said Naruto, breaking her reverie.

The woman gave a violent start. "Oh! You're-" her face soured, just a titch. Not as much as others would have, not into an outright scowl, but just a small slip of the beaming grin. "Oh. Are you looking for Gin again?"

"Where'd Tsunade go?" the boy didn't have time for this. "She went to see Jiji, didn't she? Where was he moved this time?"

"… Tsunade-sama went to the north wing, third level. Block C." a portion of that smile came back again. "Tsunade-sama is back! Oh, my…"

"Right." As he left the woman to her hysterics, he couldn't help but snort. "Weirdo."

It didn't take long for him to find the room; after all, the dwindling traffic said much about how many people were no longer in the block. Eventually, he rounded on a corridor to an open door. Tsunade knelt by an unseen bed.

An ANBU peeled himself away from the wall, outfit painted exactly the same ugly floral print of his former hiding spot. "Identification."

"Naruto Uzumaki, Genin of Konoha." His chakra flared, not enough to cause a physical reaction, but an aura appeared just the same. "I need to see Jiji."

A second ANBU appeared from the wall; the chakra sensor to back up the ID. "It's him."

"That you, brat?"

"One and only, granny." Naruto stepped inside the room, eyes going instantly to the man in the bed. "How is he?"

"I swear, if I weren't in a hospital right now, you'd pay for that nickname." The woman's eyes flicked across her mentor's body, her hands glowing a soft green. "The old man… well. They did their best."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that there's only so much regular doctors can do when there's this many complications before it starts getting too dangerous for the patient. He'd probably stay in this coma otherwise." Her eyes flew up to Naruto, a hint of a grin in them. "I'm not a regular doctor, though."

"So, you can help him?" Naruto couldn't help the excitement that leaked through his voice. "He's gonna get better?"

"I don't make promises on patients, brat." She punctuated the statement with a slow, cracking roll of her shoulders. "We'll see as it goes. But on the whole…" she sighed. "You were probably right to try and find me. This is beyond most medic-nin's skill to heal."

Naruto nodded, a slow, hesitant smile growing. "… Thank you."

"Not yet, you won't." she stood. "So, why aren't you with the pervert? Isn't he your teacher? Thought you'd want to be there for when he drops the bomb on the council."

"I…" Naruto bit back the spiteful comment on his lips. "Jiji's more important to me, right now. He could… I mean…"

"… Yeah." Both turned to look at the old, frail man in the bed. "I know."

* * *

"Naruto!" Sakura screamed, punching the boy on the back of the head. "Where have you been!? You disappear, and then Sasuke disappears, and I don't hear from anyone for a whole month, and now Sasuke's in the hospital and I don't hear from either of you for two days!"

"Bbrbrbrpphhhb…" Naruto burbled into the lukewarm broth of his ramen.

"What!?"

He resurfaced, his hair dripping with miso taste. "Hello, Sakura-chan." He said dully. "Good to see you too. How was your day? Mine was terrible, thanks for asking."

"Idiot!" she swung again, but Naruto wasn't having that again. With a fast hand that he definitely wasn't capable of before, he grabbed her by the wrist and spun her around onto a stool.

"Are we going to be calm, or am I going to have to hit you the way you just hit me?" he asked, his eyes hard.

Sakura flinched. "N-Naruto…"

"Are we going to be calm?"

"I…" she shuddered, before slumping in on herself. "Yeah…"

"Okay." He let go of her wrists. He sighed as she retracted them, rubbing the reddened skin absently. "Sorry. I've kinda been having a shitty couple days."

"You too?" she muttered. "Try a terrible month."

"Should you go first, or should I?"

She sighed. "I… I think you."

"Right. You need ramen." Naruto slapped the bar. "OI! Teuchi! You've got a customer! Get some extra-big deluxe bowls out here, and pack those fuckers full of salt! Extra eggs, too!"

"Yeah, yeah…"

"But I'm on a diet…" Sakura protested weakly.

The boy shook his head. "This is comfort food, for when you don't give a shit about a diet. Besides, you need to bulk. Diets are only good if you're actually fat. After a point, you need to bone up on fitness and strength training to get a better figure, because otherwise you're just becoming anorexic to lose ten pounds. And fitness won't do a damn thing for you if you're not getting calories and nutrients in your body. No matter how hard you train each day, or for how long, you won't gain an ounce of muscle if you're not eating a bunch of protein-rich foods."

"O-oh…" Sakura flinched, taken aback. "Um… I guess?"

"You need to be eating at least enough so that you feel full after a meal, and do lots of training. You should actually put on weight when you're doing this, hence the name 'bulking'. That's all the muscle you're growing." He laughed, rolling his eyes. "It does wonders for your figure, I'm told. Since chicks can't make as much testosterone as guys, doing lots of high-intensity low-repetition strength workouts gives you all lean, tight muscle instead of turning you into the average Big McLargeHuge or Buck Plankchest like it would for guys."

"Thanks for the lecture, sensei." She giggled softly, hiding her smile. "And since when are you a guru on fitness?"

"Oh, I've been getting grilled on this shit all month!" he laughed, twirling his chopsticks. "You would not believe the things I've had stuffed into my brain on my trip, especially on this last week! Sasuke could probably rattle this stuff off too, once he gets out of the hospital, he was there too when those two were going at it! Though he probably wouldn't add the bit about the female figure in, that's all the work of…" his grin slipped, and his eyes slipped to his broth. "My teacher. Dammit."

Sakura's eyebrows rose. "Your teacher?" she asked. "Is that the one who helped you do so well in the exam?"

"… Yeah. My sensei." He stirred the broth absently, bits of miso following his trail likes ducklings after a mother. "We're… we're not too fond of each other right now."

"What happened?"

"Just… Urgh." He leaned back. "Things were said, and now we're not talking to each other, and I'm not sure I want it to end, because god-damn he pissed me off. But if it doesn't end, then he's gonna be my boss in more ways than one, and that won't end well for anybody."

Sakura cocked her head, confused. "Boss? What are you talking about?"

"My teacher is Jiraiya of the Sannin, S-Class ninja, author of the Icha Icha series, and the soon-to-be Fifth Hokage."

"WHAT!?" Sakura screamed, louder than Naruto had ever heard her scream in his life.

"Yeah." Naruto hunkered down, uncovering his ears. "That's sort of how I expected you to react."

"YOUR SENSEI IS GOING TO BE THE NEXT HOKAGE!?" she screamed. And paused… "YOUR SENSEI WROTE THE ICHA ICHA SERIES!?"

"That's your thought process on this?"

"Naruto, if you start reading those books, I'll stick my sandals so far up your ass you'll taste blue for a month, SHANNARO!" she raised her fist again, as if to strike him for good measure, before slumping in a boneless heap on the counter. "Ugh… never mind…"

"Eh?"

"Extra-large deluxe bowl for the lady, extra salt, extra egg!" Teuchi announced, sliding it into place in front of her. "You're covering her tab, then?"

"Yeah, yeah, I got her bill." Naruto leaned over in his seat. "Sakura-chan, what's wrong?"

"… Does it even matter?"

"Well, I told my problems to you, so it's only fair that you tell me!" he smiled. "Besides, we're team-mates, right?"

"… well, I guess that's the problem right there, isn't it?" the pinkette sighed, slowly reeling herself into a sitting position. "We're team-mates. You and me, me and Sasuke, Sasuke and you."

"Eh?"

"We're all a team…" a single motion broke her chopsticks, as she absently began to stir the steaming fishcakes around the broth. "But why am I the only one that's alone?"

Naruto bit his tongue, forcing himself to stop the indignant correction flying from his lips, and let the girl finish.

"We're all supposed to be a team… one unit, you know? We grow as one, fight as one, BE as one… I've been watching the other teams, and they all love each other. It might be a bit- no, a lot of dysfunction, but they're all acting like they're one unit. They're growing together."

"So why not us?!" she shouted, spearing a fishcake as punctuation.

"…"

"We're trying- god, it's spit and post-it-note glue holding us together. We might act nice to each other, and we'll follow orders, but I don't really feel like it's truly a team right now!" she exclaimed. "Just people tearing away as fast as possible! The three of us- the only time…"

"Sakura?"

"You know…" she let out a curt laugh. "You know, the only time I really felt like we were a team is when our lives were in danger. Those times where we didn't have a chance if we didn't rely on each other. The Zabuza mission… the Chuunin exams… you were kind of leading us both, weren't you?"

"But now…" she hung her head.

"Sakura."

The girl lifted her head.

"Gimme a break." Naruto's eyes never left hers, locking her into place. "A joke like that's not funny."

"A joke…!?" she growled. "You're taking my grief and just-"

"Stop it!" he exclaimed. Her lips hesitated. "I hate people who lie to themselves!" with an absent hand, he pushed his bowl away. "You don't really think we're not a team. You're proud of us. I can see it in your eyes. You're so proud of us, you can't even stand it!"

Her hand flew to her forehead, startled.

Naruto took that hand away from her face. "Sakura. Please. Tell me. Nobody can help you with the pain that you won't let show." He grinned. "It's okay to lean on me. It might just be a problem that I understand." His fingers wrapped around hers, a comforting gesture. "Tell me. What's really bothering you?"

For a moment, Sakura stared at Naruto, eyes full of indecision, fear… and then the iron rod keeping her upright seemed to collapse, slumping her over their hands. "You… how are you doing this…?"

"Sakura…?"

"How are you able to do that…? Just, rip right past my defenses… what happened to the idiot…?" she whispered. "How…? The boy who slept through class, didn't do a scrap of work, and failed three times... how are you so much better than us…?"

Naruto kept silent.

"And Sasuke… both of you, just…" a shiver ran through her arms. "He's the best of our class… and you're leading us like it's nothing… and both of you are just so good, and powerful, and you're getting personal training from legendary teachers, and you're saving our lives, and you're going on special missions together…

"But what about me!?" she sobbed. "What about Sakura!? Where do I fit in!?"

"Sakura-chan, I-"

"NO!" she screamed, tearing herself away. "Don't tell me you're sorry, because you're NOT! You're not the dead weight on the team! You're not the one who has to watch your backs get farther and farther away! You're not the one that's left behind! You're not…" an ugly sob wrenched itself from her lips, her entire body trembling. "You're not the one being ABANDONED by her team!

"And there's NOTHING I can do!" her fist slammed down onto the counter. "I'm not strong! I don't have that 'genius' power! I can't power my way through whatever's in my way! I'm not… I'm not…" her tirade dissolved into silent wailing. "I can't…"

"Sakura-chan…"

"Kakashi-sensei said… that those who abandon the mission are trash… but those who abandon their team are worse… than trash…" her face turned up again, streaked with fat, oily tears. "Then what does it say… about the one who lets herself be abandoned…? What does i- MMPGH!"

"Chew." Naruto commanded, pulling the chopsticks away from the boiled egg he had shoved in her mouth. "Make sure to savor the flavor, that lingering hint of broth. The egg has a very full taste, so let that spread the way it wants, let it coat your tongue before you swallow." Too startled to think otherwise, the pinkette did just that, swallowing with a slow gulp. Naruto grinned. "Good?"

"Y-Yeah… it was good…"

"I've been here so many times I'm able to down an extra-large bowl with just chopsticks before the broth gets cold. You, though, probably need to go the old-fashioned way." With a fast movement, he snagged the wide, flat-bottomed soup spoon aside Sakura's bowl and curled it into her hand. "Eat."

"But I-"

"No arguments." His eyes grew kind. "Trust me, Sakura-chan. Just eat. Don't speak, just listen. It's my turn to talk." With slow, distrustful movements, Sakura scooped a small portion of pork and broth. Naruto smiled. "You know why I always come here?"

Sakura didn't say anything, as commanded, but her eyes held a question as she chewed.

"In the beginning… well, Teuchi and Ayame were kind to me, and gave me a bowl of ramen when I hadn't eaten in two days." He chuckled softly. "This was when I was fresh from getting kicked out of the orphanage, and I hadn't figured out how to buy food with my allowance without getting bilked for every ryo I had. I was just trying to survive until the next check, you know?"

Naruto's eyes went to Sakura's; they were wide with surprise. "Oh, come on, you knew my life was hard. You were there when I blew up at Inari, you know." She slowly nodded, still looking concerned. "So, in the beginning, it was because they would give me tasty food for cheap, when I couldn't afford good food from the vendors. But it became more than that, you know?"

He sighed, staring up at the cloth overhang. "It became my sanity, my way to quiet the demons in my head. It's hard to hate yourself and everything about you when you've got a warm bowl of miso and noodles sitting in your belly, making you just that tiny bit sleepy, you know? It's how I pulled through all my shit. Whenever I was feeling cold and loveless in my soul, I'd borrow the heat of the broth to warm up my compassion. I'd use the pork to strengthen my body, the menma to stand tall and proud like bamboo, the naruto to remember to never forget who I was, even as I changed, ultimately for the better, and grew up."

The boy looked back at her and grinned; she had made a sizeable dent in the bowl's contents without even noticing. "And it's something I try to teach people whenever I can. There are certainly better foods for my body… but it's not about that, to me. Ramen is food for the soul.

"Sakura…" he exhaled loudly. "There is no such thing as a genius. Not in the way that people think there is." Her eyes widened. He grinned. "Controversial topic, right? But it's true. Every single person that was considered a 'genius', for whatever reason, was not born knowing the secrets of the universe in their crib. Perhaps they came with a bit easier ability to grasp concepts, but that's not unique to geniuses. The everyman who knows how to fix indoor plumbing had a solid grasp of those concepts, and nobody's labeling him the greatest plumber of our generation.

"Genius comes from somewhere else." Naruto tapped his chest softly. "Our experiences. Geniuses are the ones who can look at a common, well-known thing and say, 'what would happen if it did this instead of this?' when the apple fell on a ninja's head, instead of whining about bruises, or worrying about it being an enemy distraction, he wondered why the apple did that all on its' own. Now we have gravity because of that wondering, and he's labeled a genius. But he was not born with this ability to deduce one of the most complex ideas we know of. He was taught."

"But-"

"Eat." Naruto pointed at the bowl. Sakura pouted, but she continued. "He was taught the concepts known at the time, and he grasped them easily. That's the easy part. But he was also taught, not just by life, but by experiences, to look at things just a little off-center, to be able to see the flashing arrows pointing towards the unknown that say, 'GREAT IDEA THIS WAY!' and then be able to power through all the failures and missteps as you walk along the pitch-black corridor walked by nobody else but you, lighting the way for all to follow in your footsteps and continue on where you leave off."

"There are incredibly intelligent men and women all over the world, but that doesn't mean they're geniuses. You could be the smartest man in the world, but unless you did something that nobody else had done before, you're not a genius." He shook his head. "Reciting facts and history dates and your multiplication tables doesn't make you a genius. A calculator does the exact same thing, and we're not calling the calculator a genius. Grasping the concepts doesn't make you a genius. It's what you DO with those concepts that make you a genius. You understand?"

Sakura slowly nodded, chewing softly on the pork fat in her mouth.

"Sasuke's not a genius for being able to do the things he does earlier. He hasn't created anything new in his life. He could easily make many great new things in the future, but all he has now is a grasp of the concepts. But he will." Naruto leaned in. "I'm sure of it. Because he was taught by his experiences to look askance at everything, he will. He's been taught that, regardless of his shifty motivations for it, he needs to be the best, and that all the best are all geniuses. And once he realizes that that won't happen by just sliding by on an easy grasp of the concepts, he'll put in as much effort as he needs to in order to become a genius. He will rise. Believe it."

"… But what does this have to do with me?" Sakura finally spoke up, transfixed but uncertain.

"Because you're exactly like Sasuke." Naruto leaned back. "Only you're realizing it much sooner, because your grasp of the concepts is in a different area than his, one that doesn't allow for nearly as much coasting as his does."

"…!"

"Yeah." Naruto nodded. "You see what I'm getting at, here? You're the smartest kunoichi, hell, the smartest ninja of our class by far. But a grasp of the concepts will only take you so far. You could be GREAT. All of our class could be GREAT! But you need to know who to find to pick the brain of, to learn from your predecessors, and then to keep walking the path they began. Pick up the light that they began to shine in the darkness, on that path that nobody's ever walked before, and run that fucker straight into that blackness! That way, everybody else can continue to walk the path that YOU created."

"…"

"You understand, Sakura?" Naruto leaned in. "it's not that Sasuke or I have some inborn advantage over you. We simply found our motivation to keep moving, to keep that ball moving down the field, and combined that with what we know, or what we are learning. All you need to do, is find your motivation, that drive that forces you to keep going, no matter how shitty it gets along the way, and start running. Understand?"

"… Yeah." Sakura looked up at the boy, a soft light in her eye. "I get it."

'_Heh. For not having actually found the true motivation… that's some stare she's got going on.'_ Naruto grinned widely at her. "I see you liked the ramen an awful lot. You drained it to the last drop."

"Eh?" the girl's eyes swung to the bowl, now inexplicably in her hands, completely empty. "W-When did that happen?"

"Hahahaha! That's what happens when you're hungry!" Naruto giggled.

"Idiot!"

"So… you feel better?" Naruto cut his laughter short, staring the girl in the face.

"I…" Sakura paused, before she nodded. "Yeah. I feel better."

"Good." Naruto slapped a wad of bills down on the counter and pushed off his stool. "Because I do hate to see girls cry, you know? It ruins the inherent prettiness. See you for the next mission, yeah?"

"… Hey." Sakura spoke. "You know… this thing just now wasn't a date or anything, but… maybe we could get together before the next mission? You know, just… hang out?"

Naruto could barely restrain a string of explicatives that were most definitely not appropriate for a city street. Plastering a too-wide smile to his face, Naruto turned and laughed fakely. "I'm happy you asked, Sakura… really… I really, really am happy… but I've already got a girlfriend, and I actually really like her. You should have asked sooner. See ya."

Naruto sprinted away, cursing every single actual or theoretical god governing irony rather loudly, before the thundering "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEHH!?" could reach his ears.

* * *

Several Days Later…

* * *

As Naruto sat in his apartment, puzzling over a relatively difficult recipe book, ingredients spread before him like cards before a magician's assistant, there came a noise, so soft Naruto thought he had imagined it. "Mm? You say something, fuzz-butt?"

"**That was the door, idiot. Someone's knocking."**

"Oh!" with a quick scramble, he grabbed a kunai from his pocket and put himself against the wall. "Haven't had a vandal be polite enough to knock before, but there's a first time for everything!" he threw the door open and-

"Neji?"

The Hyuuga genius stood in the doorway, stiff as a board. "Uzumaki Naruto." He said, bending ever-so-slightly into a bow. "Your presence is requested at the Hyuuga compound by hiashi-sama. Refusal is not acceptable."

"Uh…" said Naruto, staring at the boy, unsure what to make of the sight. "I… guess I wasn't doing anything important? What is this about?"

"It is neither my place nor my fate to know such things."

'_Oh. Damn. That's right.' _Naruto winced. _'He got his ass kicked by that psycho Kiri-chick before the finals, so I didn't smack some sense into him about fate. Man… and I thought I had this down pat so far.'_

"However…" He straightened himself once more, his pale eyes unusually cold. "Were I to guess at the matter, I would say it relates to your… decision to court Hinata-sama."

"Oh." _'Shit.'_

"**HAHAHAHA!" **the Kyuubi howled. **"You get the scary father routine! I've never seen one of these before, I ate them all before they even got this far! Hahaha! Oh, this is rich!"**

'_Oh, shut UP, you demonic gigolo!' _with an uneasy grin, Naruto slowly closed the door behind him. "Well! I guess we shouldn't keep him waiting, then?"

"Yes. We shouldn't."

* * *

"So…" Naruto began, shifting uneasily in front of the sliding door. "He's in there, then?"

"Correct."

"And… you're not coming in?"

"That room is in the main compound. As a branch Hyuuga, I am forbidden to enter without the supervision of a main clan member."

"Oh." Naruto turned to Neji. His clothes covered much of his body, but the tiniest hint of a red inflamed spiderweb on his neck showed, trailing down towards his chest. His wounds had still not healed. "So… umm… you seem to be healing well…"

"The poison and lightning from the Kiri trash have resulted in extensive tissue scarring, and inoperable lung and muscle damage. I have lost over 30 percent lung capacity, as well as a large degree of torso flexibility." Neji's eyes were filled with pain, and hatred, and self-loathing. "Even when I am given a clean bill of health, I will never be a ninja again."

Naruto could only stand and stare, mouth agape.

"But yes, I am 'healing well'. I have accepted what is now my fate." Neji gestured at the door, glaring. "Go."

"Y-yeah…" Naruto turned and opened the door, feeling a stinging pain behind his eyes. _'I failed him…'_

Inside the room, Hyuuga Hiashi sat before a small tea table, dressed in white robes. He gestured at a pillow across from him. "Sit."

"…" Naruto, feeling very self-conscious and shaken, took a seat sitting in the traditional Seiza position.

"Drink."

Naruto took the tea cup before him; it had been filled recently, as the tea was still hot. He took a sip. It was good tea, well brewed, a mellow taste to it. The room had an oppressive quietness to it, a kind of empty stillness, though, so he kept his thoughts to himself.

His eyes wandered. The room was empty, save for another entryway and a small window to the outside. Sunlight streamed through, illuminating drifting motes of dust in the air. The paneled walls were old, yet pristine; the room was not used often. Yet there was something to the room itself, something that Naruto couldn't place his finger on, that said that it hadn't always been like this, this museum without exhibits. How an entire clan, how dozens, maybe even hundreds of people could live in a compound like this and still have a room that felt so un-lived baffled him; how any kind of child could be raised here saddened him.

"You have been with Hinata for a number of weeks, now." Hiashi spoke, after what felt like hours. Naruto startled back to attention. "What are your thoughts on this?"

"Uh, you mean us dating?"

"Yes."

"…Well…" his toes started to get pins and needles; the need to shift out of the painful Seiza was growing. "I… well, Hinata's great, to be honest. It's been a lot of fun. I like her a lot."

"She is 'fun'." Hiashi's expression didn't budge. "That is your impression, then? That my daughter is 'fun'?"

"Uh…" Naruto was taken aback. "I- no, no, there's a lot more than that!"

"Then use your vocabulary. Understanding is not achieved through vagaries."

"W-well, she's sweet, and she's gentle, and kind, and she cares a lot about people, and- well, I think she's great, really!"

"You are simply parroting what you think I want to hear."

"What- no, I-"

"What are your intentions towards my daughter?" Hiashi's eyes grew cold. "What are your intentions towards the future heir to the Hyuuga clan?"

Naruto felt panic welling up. "I- I don't know!" he exclaimed. The pain in his legs and the harshness in the man's tone were all warning him that something was wrong. "I mean, if you're asking me if I intend to marry her or something, I- I don't know! I'm still figuring this stuff out, and- and getting married, that's a long time off-"

"I was married to my wife when she was fourteen." Hiashi said, cutting the boy short. "She first became pregnant when she was fifteen. She miscarried what would have been our son, and later gave birth to Hinata at seventeen. To imply that, as a ninja, marriage would be excluded from the age restriction exemptions and that a formal relationship could be excluded from scrutiny is both the height of ignorance and disrespect."

"What- no, I just-"

"What is my daughter to you? Is she just a toy to you? Just a conquest to broken and fucked, then thrown away?"

Naruto gave a massive start at hearing the stiff leader swear. "Wha- NO! NEVER! Hinata- I would never do that to her!"

"I don't believe you."

BOOM!

Naruto sailed through those old, untouched walls like a rocket, impacting hard against a tall, twisted tree. "GAH!"

"Get up." Hiashi jumped through the holes he had made, not a hair out of place as he took a Jyuuken stance. "A demon like you wouldn't be taken down so easily."

Naruto's blood ran cold. "You…"

"I am master within these walls." Hiashi declared, eyes hard. "If you do not wish to die, then fight."

A growl tore itself from his throat. "You… you bastard…" Naruto pulled himself to his feet, a growing hatred in his chest. "You're one of them…"

"I protect that which is mine." Hiashi declared. "I gave you a chance, demon, because Jiraiya had taken you under his wing. Now I see that he is merely repaying a debt, rather than any statement on your abilities."

"SHUT UP!" the boy lunged, forming a seal as he went. "KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"

"Byakugan."

The air exploded into smoke, blanketing the clearing. Throughout the smoke, the screams of clones and the 'POP!' of dispelling rang out. Naruto let out a cry of pain as he shot back into the tree.

The air cleared, and Hiashi stood exactly where he was, untouched; not a single clone remained. "Is that all you are capable of?" he asked. "This is all the son of that woman can do?"

Naruto lay on the ground, prone and unmoving. Hiashi simply stared. "disappointing." He turned back to the compound-

"Doton…"

Hiashi whirled around, just in time to see the boy slam his fist into the ground, turning the entire clearing into a smoking bog. "… Gh." His blank expression cracked into the faintest scowl. "It seems you have a gift for trickery."

"If it's not broken, don't fix it." Naruto pulled himself out of the sludge onto the tree, shaking off the sticky mud. "Now…" he glared, standing perpendicular on the bark. "You said something about my mother. What did you mean, 'that woman'? How did you know her?"

"The head of the Hyuuga clan does not explain himself to demon-spawn." Said Hiashi, sinking slowly into the muck. "And if you think that I am trapped by this, then you are a fool."

"Huh?"

"Observe." And hiashi's head disappeared into the murk.

"Wh- hold on!" Naruto made a sign-

And the sludge exploded like a tornado had touched down underground. "AGH!" Naruto screamed as a massive glop pelted him in the face, nearly knocking him off the tree.

From the hole in the bog leapt a brown blur. Hiashi landed softly on the rooftops, robes muddied but otherwise clean. "The Hakkesho Kaiten. The greatest defense in the world. No mere Genin could hope to match it."

Naruto glared. "…! You may be Hinata's dad, but you're really starting to piss me off!"

"And you are a nobody who thinks they have the right to court my daughter. I do not care."

"**Kill him."**Kyuubi growled.

The boy hesitated. 'No. if I do that, Hinata will hate me. I'll definitely kick his ass, though.' A shooting pain ran through his legs. "GH!"

"Come on, then. If you dare."

'Did he hit a chakra point or something…!?' Naruto leapt to the roof. Hiashi bent low, pointers extended, almost a mocking sort of bow. "I won't forgive you for this…!" Naruto struck a Falcon Leg stance.

"Fighting a Hyuuga in close quarters?" Hiashi smirked. "You're a greater fool than I thought."

"You'd be surprised at what a fool can do!" Naruto lunged for a ground sweep, but Hiashi leapt at the last second. Twisting quickly into a handspring, Naruto struck at the man in mid-air. Hiashi deflected, breaking the locked ankles into a wide-open split. Naruto snapped the split shut around Hiashi's waist, whipping his torso up for a face-pummelling.

Hiashi struck first with a blindingly fast throat strike, following by a number of rapid chest hits. Naruto fell to the ground, clutching at his sealed windpipe. Hiashi brushed the wrinkles out of the robe, looking surprised. "You nearly managed to hit me. Interesting."

"GHHhHHhhhkkkKGAAAH!" Naruto gasped, flailing like a dying fish on the ground. Sucking in a sweet lungful of air, he turned and glared. "You…!"

"And you can breathe… that strike should have sealed your windpipe for ten minutes, suffocating you." Hiashi arched an eyebrow. "Perhaps you are not a total failure."

"Bastard…" his legs burned with an intense pain, and his chest felt as though it wasn't expanding fully, but he forced himself upright once more.

"Don't get up." Hiashi commanded. "You may have freed your windpipe, but I have paralyzed the muscles controlling your diaphragm. Attempt to do anything more than be comatose will choke you of oxygen."

"That's… what… you… think…" Naruto gasped. 'Kyuubi…'

"**Got it. Light it up."**

The Jinchuuriki reached deep, and exploded with burning red chakra. With a sudden rush, his lungs expanded, and he let out a rolling howl.

Hiashi's eyes widened. "The… the Kyuubi…"

"**You thought you could stop me!?" **Naruto leapt, chakra cloak leaving red streamers behind. He whipped his hand back-

"KAITEN!" Hiashi shouted, bringing the blue shield back into existence. "It is useless! You cannot defeat the ultimate defense!"

"**There's no such thing!" **Naruto raised his fists and, with a mighty roar, shattered the roof like glass. Both man and boy fell. The orb faltered. Naruto lunged, and punched the Hyuuga leader in the face.

The man fell to the ground hard. Naruto landed in a crouch, whirling back to strike again.

"… Hahahahaha…"

"… **What?"**

"Well done." Hiashi laughed, slowly pushing himself into a sitting position. "Well done, indeed. You truly are unique, Uzumaki Naruto."

The fox's bloddlust faded, leaving only a growing sense of bewilderment.** "I…**I don't understand."

"Before I explain, tell me this." Hiashi turned, his blank eyes staring keenly. "Have you noticed anything strange during this entire fight?"

"I... I don't-" a sharp burning sensation struck his right leg, and a shimmering sensation of pins and needles hit his left. Naruto's eyes widened.

"Genjutsu! KAI!"

With a concentrated blast of chakra, the room faded; the hole in the wall and the splattered mud faded into blank, unbroken wood. Hiashi sat in front of him, sipping the same cup of tea he had been drinking before. They were still at the tea table, and Naruto was still on the cushion, sitting in the painful Seiza position.

"You!" Naruto exclaimed. "You cast a Genjutsu on me!"

"Correct." Said Hiashi, setting the cup down carefully.

"But- how? I didn't even see you make any signs! You didn't have any time to do that!"

"The Hyuuga have many secret techniques not known to the village." The man let the smallest lip-twitch of a smile escape. "But I'll give you a hint. It wasn't all just Genjutsu that caused what you experienced."

"But how? How could you have… wait!" his head whipped down to the tea cup in his hand. The tea was just as hot as it had been before. "You put something in the tea!"

"Correct again." Hiashi nodded. "You are more intelligent than what many would expect of you. Perhaps Jiraiya is doing more than just repaying a debt. Perhaps there is something to mold and shape within you."

"But… why?" asked Naruto, after a moment of silence. "Why did you do that? Why go through all that trouble?"

"Besides avoiding the rather large property damage you caused?" Hiashi smirked. "Because I wanted to know how far you were willing to push yourself."

"… I don't understand."

"I thought not. Come, get comfortable. This Seiza is playing rough on my knees." With a sigh of relief, Naruto gratefully shifted into a more comfortable cross-legged position. "I wanted to know how far you were willing to go for the things that you cared about. What you were willing to do for what you believed in." a smirk formed on Hiashi's lips. "Your ambitions concerning the Hokage's hat are well-documented throughout the village."

"Well… yeah. I've never hidden what I plan to do. I'm gonna be the best Hokage ever!"

"Bold words. Suited for a bold man." Hiashi nodded. "But _are_ they bold words from a bold man? That was my question. What would a man who is intent on becoming the best Hokage in history do when something he cares for is threatened? What would that bold man do when the threat came from somebody with power, or someone who was supposed to be an ally? Would he capitulate and remain safe, but compromise his beliefs and lose what he cares about, or would he stand against them, and risk everything? And if he stood, would this would-be bold man have the strength to continue standing?"

The puzzle clicked together. "… You were testing me." said Naruto, understanding at last. "Testing whether I'd be willing to fight you for Hinata."

"Yes." The clan leader nodded. "But not just for my daughter. Whether you were a man willing to stand for what is right, instead of what is easy. Whether you were willing to take on the clan long touted to be one of the greatest clans Konoha has ever known. Whether you were a man I would be proud to serve."

"And… I passed?"

"No."

"… Oh."

"But you proved that man was there." Hiashi smiled. "You proved that you could become that man, given time and training. Had I chosen to use my full strength, the battle would have ended before you could have even moved, but even when I was holding back you managed to land a blow against me, not something any Genin has been able to boast."

"… Why?" asked Naruto. "Why now, I mean? Why not in the future, when I'm more ready to be Hokage?"

"Because you are courting my daughter." Said Hiashi. "And because I'm not sure you knew what that meant when you began."

"Oh… kay?"

"Since before the village of Konoha was even founded, the Hyuuga clan has always had Agnatic succession. That means that only men could rise to become head of the clan." Said Hiashi. "It meant that women in the Hyuuga clan held a very subservient role of mothers and caretakers. Before the Branch was abolished, and then later brought back to existence, it was the realm of the unmarried women and children, segregated from the Main family, consisting of married couples and unmarried men."

"That's…"

"Barbaric? Sickening? Completely backwards?" Hiashi said ruefully. "The Shodaime thought so too. He had the Branch family abolished and the women reintegrated into the Main branch, ignoring completely that it was this main-branch separation that ensured the clan's survival after the Uchiha destroyed the Main branch down to the last man during the Era of the Warring States. But… if there's one thing our clan stands on, it is tradition."

"So… you brought the Branch family back?" asked Naruto, feeling a churning in his stomach.

"Not me, but my grandfather, under the Nidaime's rule. The Nidaime supported the rigid structure of the pre-village Hyuuga's hierarchy, and so encouraged the rebirth of the Branch, and the development of the Hyuuga cursed seal." His face twisted as though sucking on a lemon. "Now it was gender neutral, but the branch was bound into servitude even more tightly than before."

"That's… that's horrible!" Naruto exclaimed. "Why would anybody ENCOURAGE the creation of those things?"

"They called the Nidaime 'the Lawgiver' and not 'the Kind' for a reason." Said hiashi. "The Nidaime held a… rather utilitarian view of people and the village. He cared very little about how people's emotions, as long as they upheld the law and order of the village. He was… not entirely the good person his brother was. An excellent hokage, who made this village what it is today… but not a good person."

"… So what does this mean?"

"It means that since Hyuuga clan joined the village, there has not been a clan leader without a male heir… until now. When my wife died due to complications in her fourth pregnancy, I had only had my two daughters. The elders were furious; they wanted me to take another wife, in order to have a male heir. I refused. I would not sully my wife's legacy with that, and if they had a problem, they could take my brother Hizashi's son, Neji, and make him heir. I knew they would refuse; letting a branch family man be leader was tantamount to anarchy for them. So… we had to compromise."

"Compromise? On what?" asked Naruto. "You mean they didn't just let Hinata or the chibi be heiress?"

"Of a sort." Hiashi leaned back, sighing. "It was decided that whoever the stronger of my two daughters was at the age of 18 would become a de-facto heir, and the other, if she had not married into another clan, would be branded with the cursed seal. The heiress would hold that title in trust until she was married; her husband would then become leader of the Hyuuga. The first male child would take the name Hyuuga and be the heir; any other children would be of the husband's name."

"Wait, WHAT!?" Naruto shouted, nearly jumping to his feet.

"Please, sit. I am not finished." Hiashi waved him down. "That stipulation was my work. I was angry at the elders for sending… someone I cared about to his unfair death. I wanted revenge. I made it sound as if I would arrange a marriage from within the clan, so the heiress' husband would still be a Hyuuga, while I had no such intentions of doing so. Someone who has not been raised within this toxic compound would find the Branch cursed seal abhorrent and would have it undone, and possibly loosen the stranglehold the elders have on power. A coup d'état, without a second of bloodshed."

Hiashi shook his head. "You must understand, the Hyuuga do not marry for love, especially not the clan leaders. They marry for power, or for the best traits to pass onto the next leader. Oftentimes, our partners are chosen for us; it's why they made that assumption. Both of my daughters know this. Hinata…" he exhaled, loudly. "In the days that I have seen her since you began seeing each other, she has been happier than I have seen her in… as long as I can remember. She is taken with you quite deeply… but that may not have been why she was seeing you in the beginning."

"What do you mean?"

"Hinabi has been expected to be the clan leader for years. When she turns 18, Hinata would have been branded with the cursed seal and designated into branch. She… is a gentle child, more that than a fighter. She has seen what it has done to Neji, and fears it deeply. She would have been searching frantically for somebody that she could woo into marriage, and thus marry away from the Hyuuga and the cursed seal."

"N… no. no, Hinata's not like that!" Naruto protested. "She doesn't think like that at all! I'm… I'm not some meal ticket or anything, we like each other!"

"I know you do." Hiashi nodded, smiling softly. "And I am glad. But it didn't change the idea within her that without marriage out of the clan, she was trapped." He shook his head. "And then we realized that she had far more skill than we had ever suspected. And now the tale is different. Because now she is the heir apparent. And both of my daughters know that they are not to date for fun." His eyes grew intense. "Both of my daughters know they cannot date a man they cannot see one day leading the hyuuga clan."

Naruto couldn't find the strength to speak; his jaw was too busy rubbing the floor.

"I approved your courtship in the beginning because I knew Jiraiya, and he would not take on an apprentice that was not a good man. I thought that, regardless of the demon inside you, you could be a safe way out for her, and I could not deny that to her." Said Hiashi. He leaned in. "but then, she continued to see you, a month after she was declared heir apparent. And now, I needed to see you in person. Because now, instead of being a way out, you could be the one to turn this family upside-down. And I needed to know if you were ready for that. If you had the power to do that."

"I… I…"

"I understand." Hiashi sighed. "it is an incredibly complex subject, even to one submerged in clan politics all his life. To an orphan child, it must be mind-boggling. If you wish to remove yourself from the process and… end the courtship, I would understand. It would break my daughter's heart, but I would understand wholly."

"I…" Naruto stood. "I need to leave."

"Go, then." As Naruto began to run for the door, Hiashi held up a hand. "Wait!"

"!?"

"… My daughter… Hinata chose you for a reason. When that reason changed, she kept going." Said Hiashi. "That… it says much about how much she trusts you on anything. And so… I will trust your judgment on this as well."

It was too much. Naruto turned and bolted out the door.

* * *

Several days later…

* * *

"**You know you're going to need to leave for groceries eventually." **Kyuubi rumbled, stretching languorously within his cage. **"You can't just keep hiding out in here."**

"Shut up! Yes I can!" Naruto spat, staring at the book on his lap. "I've got enough ramen to last me the month!"

"**You can't be THAT broken up about the girl, are you?" **asked the fox. **"Look, I coulda told you from the start that bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks. Boom! Mind-blowing revelation done with, we've got all this drama out of the way, and we can go back to finding some other chick to bang."**

Naruto scowled. "You don't get it, because you're a fucking psychopath."

"**Very true, in more ways than one. Thank you."**

"Not a compliment, jackass." Naruto flopped backwards onto his bed. "She… she was the one who… she spent all that time pining after me when I'm just an ignorant… and I thought that we… and now I find out I was just being Captain Save-A-Hoe?"

"**HA!" **the fox barked. **"Captain Save-A-Hoe! Oh, I like that, that's too good! I need to remember that one! I think I'm rubbing off on you, you little sack of mucus."**

"But it's true!" Naruto protested. "I was supposed to be her one-way ticket away from the cursed seal! I mean, it's a terrible thing, sure, absolutely disgusting, and nobody deserves to be branded with it, but… I thought we had something special, not… this!"

"And now I'm supposed to suddenly put a ring on it and be the Hyuuga leader when I'm not even a Hyuuga!? What the fuck!?" he screamed. "I JUST WANTED TO NOT DIE! I DID NOT WANT THIS BULLSHIT IN MY LIFE!"

"**Welcome to time travel. Comes with the territory." **Said the Kyuubi. **"Now, get back to researching. I want details on whoever is doing this to us."**

"… Fine…" Naruto pulled himself back into a sitting position and angled himself back over his book. "So… we've got one god, presumably, and two goddesses, for a fact. We don't know any more than that, but there's definitely some kind of connection between those three that's more than cursory. What do you think?"

"**My guess would be family." **Said the Kyuubi. **"Not husband and wives, the Sysadmin would have more power to influence them if they were. Not parent and children, either, for the same reason. I'd say brother and sisters. Jiraiya also said something about him walking among humanity?"**

"Yeah… yeah, that's right. He did say that." Naruto quickly flipped through the book, skimming the pages. "They must also be pretty damn powerful to pull something like this off, or they know somebody who is. That narrows it down a l- here!"

"**Found something?"**

"Look." Naruto pointed at the picture on the page of a man, whorls of hair black as night streaming behind him, dressed in samurai garb, raising a blade over one of the necks of an eight-headed serpent. Underneath the picture it read '**SUSANO-O SLAYING THE YAMATA NO OROCHI.'**

"**Slaying the eight-forked serpent…" **Kyuubi rumbled. **"That sounds like a snake summon."**

"And look." He pointed at the picture next to it, of Susano-o slicing one of the snake's eight tails away to revealing a katana as the bone. **'SUSANO-O RETRIEVING THE KUSANAGI FROM THE YAMATO NO OROCHI'S CORPSE.'**

"Isn't that the katana that Orochimaru has? That he used to… to stab Jiji with?"

"…**Think this is our Sysadmin?"**

"… One of the most prevalent deities of worship in the time before the Sage of the Six Paths, Susano-o, god of storms, was seen as a protector deity to the people." Naruto read. "Having a foul temperament in the heavens, he went through a rage and destroyed great swaths of heavenly land for his sisters, Ameterasu, goddess of the sun, and Tsukuyomi, goddess of the earth. I think this is them!"

"**Go on."**

"Supposedly banished from heaven by their father, Izanagi, until he could learn temperance and humility, he wandered the land as a drifter. Many of the myths surrounding this supposed descent have been lost to time, but the few that have been recovered show that he clashed many times with the Juubi, the… the One-Eyed god. Progenitor to all the tailed beasts, and father of demons."

Dead silence rang out in the apartment.

"… Ky… Fuzz-butt?"

"**I knew it…" **The fox whispered. **"I knew there was something that gramps was hiding from us…wouldn't tell us where we came from… why we couldn't remember that… that… that FUCKING PIT!"**

"What!?"

"**THAT'S WHAT'S IN THE FUCKING PIT!" **Kyuubi screamed. **"THAT IS WHAT THE TENTH LEVEL IN THAT FUCKING PIT IS! THE FLOOR LEADS TO THE GODDAMN BEING THAT FUCKING MADE ME!"**

"Oh my god…!" Naruto felt the blood drain from every single extremity he had.

"**NOW DO YOU SEE WHY I DID NOT LIKE THAT FUCKING PIT!? **_**NOW **_**DO YOU SEE!?" **

The boy was too frozen stiff to nod.

"**NEVER GO BACK TO THAT PIT AGAIN! YOU HEAR ME!? **_**NEVER**_**!" **

"I… I heard you the first time you said it…"

"**FUCKING A. god-dammit. Fucking a." **Kyuubi's temper tantrum ground to a halt. **"See that you don't. Shit."**

"Can I read more?"

"… **Fine."**

"… And father of demons. His battles with the Juubi supposedly raged for as many years as Susano-o remained on the earth, carving out the oceans, raising the mountains from the ground, and splitting the land into deep canyons. As the Shinto cult faded, Susano-o's part in these feats was forgotten, with whole responsibility ascribed to the Juubi. Many different kinds of beings were formed from their battles. Pieces of flesh sheared from the Juubi's body became the untold number of demons, both greater and lesser; the drops of Susano-o's blood became the formless beings that, after being shaped by Natura Chakra, became the numerous Summoning clans. The myths claim that the sun did not shine for fear of the Juubi, and that humanity took their light from the thunder and lightning raised by Susano-o's blows."

"**Wait, isn't one of his sisters goddess of the sun?" **said the Kyuubi. **"If the sun didn't shine, she was doing a pretty shitty job."**

Naruto snorted. "No kidding… many, though not all, of the greater demons sided with the Juubi. Many were also slain by Susano-o, in tales all their own. One of the more famous tales involved a demon named Yamato-no-Orochi, a dragon-snake hybrid, and the maiden Kushi-" Naruto flinched. "… Kushinada. As the demon had devoured all of her family but her, Susano-o happened upon her. After transforming her into a… a bright red haircomb, he laid out eight pits of beer for the snake. As the demon drained them and then grew sleepy, he beheaded them all and skinned the beast, wearing his scales as armor. Within one of his tails he found the legendary sword Kusanagi, which he wielded against the Juubi to great effect. The body of the Orochi decomposed, and from the decay birthed the White Snake, the sage of the Snake Summons. Susano-o later took kushinada as his wife, though all attempts to find his supposed demigod lineage have failed, casting doubt as to whether this portion of the tale is true…"

"… **Well shit."** Breathed the kyuubi.

"What, fuzz-butt?"

"**I'll bet you a tail's worth of my power I can name at least one of their descendants." **He said. **"In fact, I'll bet THREE, I'm so sure. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever."**

"Who?"

"**Who do you think? The Sage of the Six Paths."**

"… You think the sage of the six paths was a demigod?"

"**Brat, you had to have SEEN how stupidly powerful that man was." **He growled. **"It was absolutely insane. He created the goddamn moon because he wanted an amazing grave! He…" **he went quiet. **"… He must have defeated the Juubi, at some point, and made us. He BEAT the JUUBI. There was no way he was a normal human, Rinnegan or not. In fact, I bet he got the Rinnegan from Susano-o. His eyes, and his ridiculous amount of chakra. He could eat alphabet soup and shit a best-selling book. That's how overpowered he was."**

"… Then what about any other children?"

"**Hell if I know. But I would bet good money that if the Rinnegan is god-given, there are other kekkei genkai you could trace back. I know there are others that can be traced to demons, so coming from gods doesn't surprise me one bit."**

"… Should we keep reading?"

"**Yes."**

"… According to myth, Susano-o eventually managed to land a number of debilitating wounds on the Juubi, though he was unable to kill it. Instead, he tricked the primordial demon into one of the canyons created by their battles, one that led down to the very center of the earth. The Juubi, infuriated by its foe, fell into the crevasse and continued all the way down. Having learned the meaning of humility and temperance in defense of humanity, he was allowed back into the heavens. According to Shinto myth, any earthquakes are a result of the Juubi shaking the earth, trying to escape back out into the world to continue its rampage. The worship of the Shinto cult, with Susano-o as a leading deity, continued for many years until the Juubi returned, after which the Sage of Six Paths permanently defeated it. With one of the cult's main tenets, that Susano-o had permanently defeated the Juubi, undeniably disproven, the Shinto cult faded into ignominious obscurity."

"**Find more of the Shinto cult. Anybody that you can."**

Naruto grabbed the index, quickly flipping through until… "Amaterasu. The sun goddess. One of the three sibling gods born as Izanagi washed his body of the filth of the underworld, Amaterasu was born from washing his left eye, while her sister and her brother were born from the right eye and the nose, respectively. The fuck?"

"**Nobody said the gods made sense."**

"But…" Naruto threw his hands up. "You know what? I'm not even going to bother. Amaterasu. Though a virgin goddess, Amaterasu was one of the many spouses of the hermaph- herma… hermap…"

"**Hermaphroditic. The hermaphroditic Tsukuyomi." **Kyuubi leered. **"That's kinda kinky, actually."**

"The fuck does that mean?"

"**Means that Tsukuyomi's packing both sets of junk in the trunk. A cock and a cunt. A He-She."**

"…" Naruto set the book down slowly on the bed, stood up, and walked into the bathroom. He took a long stare at the mirror… and then slammed his head face-first into the wall. He fell to the ground unconscious.

Several hours later…

"Well." Naruto scowled, the book back in his lap. "Now that I've been permanently scarred for life by your mental imagery, let's keep reading. No problem with THAT plan at all."

"**You wanted to know this shit!" **The Kyuubi cackled. **"Deal with it!"**

"Haaaaate…" Naruto looked back down at the book. "… The hermaphroditic Tsukuyomi. Though they had much affection for each other, Amaterasu's unpredictably violent nature had been known to kill other gods she had loved and attempted to woo before. To prevent this, Izanagi placed the sky between the Earth between the two, so that the sun would never be able to destroy the earth by accident, and simply warm the land with loving words and heated glances. HAHA! I get that joke!"

"**Who says they were joking?"**

"… Moving on. The two united at last in the sky when Tsukuyomi became god of the Moon – wait, what? Became god of the moon, though as this likely came as a result of the cult attempting to stay relevant in a Post-Sage world, and as such was not accepted as orthodoxy for all worshippers before the cult disintegrated, this change to their characters can be considered at best a local heresy. Amaterasu and Susano-o were known to have terrible feuds throughout their lives, which ultimately led to Susano-o being cast out to lead his odyssey on Earth.

"During the time of the Juubi, the sun supposedly did not shine in the sky. Many conflicting explanations exist, from Amaterasu being afraid of the aura of despair that clung to the Juubi, to her refusing to give warmth to Susano-o in his exile. In the post-Sage world, Amaterasu was said to be the source of spiritual chakra, imparting her… her will of fire, to humanity. Again, this likely an attempt at rebranding to compete with the growing Shinobi Sect, which ultimately failed."

"**That's two. Where's the third one, the futa?"**

"AUGH! No! Don't- no! Don't ever say that word again! AUGH! NO!"

"**Futa Futa Futa, Fut-Futa futa futaaaaaaaaa! Futa Futa Futa, fut-futa futa futaaaaaaa! Fu-"**

"I WILL MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"

"**I'd like to see you try." **The Kyuubi snorted.** "Keep reading, or I'll start singing the Futa song again."**

"… I'll find a way to kill you, I swear to god…" Naruto grumbled, flipping through the index again. "… Tsukuyomi, the Earth goddess and Moon god. Born after Izanagi's failed attempt to bring Izanami, his wife and now goddess of death and the underworld, back to life, Tsukuyomi was born as both man and woman, asterisk. Eugh…"

"**Read."**

"You're getting off on this somehow, aren't you!?"

"**The thought may have crossed my mind, yes."**

"You sick fuck…" Naruto growled. "… As both man and woman. Given dominion over a barren and lifeless earth, tsukuyomi, a gentle being, was saddened. In order to rectify that, she created a… a harem of both male and female nature spirits, and- OH WHAT THE FUCK!?"

"**Keep. Reading."**

"DO YOU SEE THIS SHIT!? DO YOU _SEE _WHAT YOU ARE MAKING ME READ!? THIS IS SOUNDING LIKE SOME KIND OF FUCKED UP PORN FANTASY!" Naruto paused. "I swear to god, if you're masturbating in there…"

"**The thought may have crossed my mind, yes."**

"NOPE! NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE!" Naruto lung himself into the air. "I CANNOT NOPE HARD ENOUGH! NOPENOPENOPE!" he ran in circles in the kitchen, flailing wildly. "ALL ABOARD THE NOPE TRAIN TO FUCKTHAT VILLE!"

"**Calm down, you idiotic sack of shit. You're acting like a brain-dead two-year-old."**

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!" Naruto ran up to the wall, grabbed it firmly, and knocked himself unconscious once more.

* * *

Several hours later…

* * *

"… Not a word." Naruto whispered. "Not. A single word. From your mouth. Or I will stop reading this for good and light it on fire. Understand?"

"**It's not even your book, remember?"**

"NOT A WORD!"

"…"

"… A harem of both male and female nature spirits, and through countless numbers of hedonistic orgies gave birth to all forms of life on Earth. God dammi- augh. That's nasty. At that point, Tsukuyomi then gave form to humanity. Many variations on the myth exist; some say that Tsukuyomi impregnated herself with the first man and woman as twins, while others say that Izanagi, out of spite towards Izanami and her new covenant with death, raped Tsukuyomi –oh god, what the fuck am I reading- in order to create more life than his former wife could take away. This origin is, according to the Shinto cult, where the Physical aspect of Chakra comes from. Weakened by both the draw on her all her children create upon the land, and by the Juubi raging around in the center of the earth, Tsukuyomi is one of the least-documented deities of the Shinto cult pre-Sage.

"Asterisk Note 1: many different translation errors were found during the reclamation of the Tsukuyomi myths, much more than the other Shinto cult deities; one of the most prevalent types involved strange tensing of singular and plural regarding Tsukuyomi herself and her gender. As best as we historians can tell, the most literal meaning would be that she is both man and woman, two in one; the gendered language shifts erratically between male and female terms when referring to Tsukyomi as well. (for simplicity's sake, we shall refer to her as a woman) while the simplest route would be to simply assume that Tukuyomi was a hermaphroditic goddess, both the translation errors and the strange changes to her mythos post-sage compel us to use the most literal terminology, as both man and woman in one body."

"**Feel better now?"**

"I thought I told you to shut it." Said Naruto.

"**Keep reading. Know thy enemy."**

"After the Sage of the Six Paths defeated the Juubi and created the moon, Tsukuyomi's tale changed dramatically. Now, instead of the female half representing spring and summer and the male representing fall and winter, as was the original worship, the goddess was two deities under the same name. The female remained the Earth goddess, and the male was rebranded as the Moon god. No myths relating to this new status were found by the writing of this book, as the cult lost sway with the people not long after the rebranding. Due to Tsukuyomi's incredibly sexualized mythos and position as the Earth goddess, she was also worshipped heavily as a fertility goddess, both by new couples attempting to conceive and by farmers attempting to till the Juubi-scorched earth."

"**That it?"**

"For those three, yeah." Naruto slowly closed the book and pushed it away from him. Sun was rising high in the sky as he spoke. "Shit. Morning already?"

"**Alright. Now that we've got that malarkey out of the way, what do we know?"**

The boy snorted. "That the guy we think is the Sysadmin is probably the only sane one up there. But we knew that already."

"**We also know that he knows how to kick ass, if this book is at all accurate. I've got my hunch about the Sage's lineage, and some intriguing ideas about the sexual lives of incestuous gods. Did we learn anything else?"**

"… There…" Naruto hesitated. "No. Nothing."

"**Eh? Don't hold back, meat. We're trying to figure out how to beat these bastards."**

"It's…" Naruto shook his head. "It's nothing. Just a few coincidences, probably. Nothing to do with them."

"**Don't fucking beat around the bush! If you need to mention it at all, then either spit it out or don't say anything in the first place!"**

"… I…" Naruto shook his head. "Just seeing a few parallels here and there. In all that stuff I read. Like, Amaterasu mentioned the will of fire, and Susano-o's wife, her name sounds like…"

"**Sounds like that bitch Kushina. And the red haircomb. Red hair." **The kyuubi rumbled. **"I see. Coincidences, but weird ones. And the futa maybe being two in one, like your gender-bender move. And the lightning from Kushinada's husband, like that rat in the hat's teleport move. That's… weird."**

"You see? Little things that-" Naruto paused. "Hang on. You called my mom a bitch. I should kick your ass for that."

"**I'd like to see-"**

"… And you know my mom's name." Naruto slowly stood. "I've never mentioned her to you. I've never talked to somebody about her with you using her first name. And you don't wake up after the initial sealing until a week later. How do you know my mom's name?"

"…"

"How do you know my mother?"

"**You wanna know why, you idiotic sack of shit? Because-"**

BOOOOOM!

The entire village shuddered. Naruto gave a scream of pain as his rickety dresser toppled onto his body, trapping him on the floor. "AAAGH!"

"**What the shit?"**

"GHH!" with a number of labored breaths, Naruto managed to wriggle himself out of his trapped position. "What happened!? Why did-"

BOOOOOM! The village shuddered again. The explosion was much softer, but the shockwave was just as rattling. A bigger explosion at a further distance.

Naruto ran to the door. "Are we under attack!?"

"**GO!"**

Naruto leapt out the door, sprinting as fast as he could towards the Hokage tower.

By the time Naruto reached the tower, chaos had exploded as people ran to and fro trying to make sense of things. Naruto sprinted to the Hokage's office.

Jiraiya stood at the desk, a grave expression on his visage. "What happened!?" Naruto shouted.

"The Konoha hospital was just attacked. All the ANBU guarding high profile targets there are dead. The Sandaime is safe despite all his guards being slaughtered… but Sasuke's been taken."

* * *

And Now, a Word from the Co-Authors:

'Sup. We're back. We're almost done, too.

_Only 1 more chapter until what you've all been waiting for._

We finally get our asses into a new avatar. We're chomping at the bit as much as you are, so good news on that front: we're already making headway on the next chapter.

_There will not be another 5 month wait._

Thank god.

_The muses have re-awakened inside me. And the next chapter will be out before September!_

Yaaaay Deadlines! Aren't they grand. Wait, isn't that just a 4 month wait?

_Emphasis on before, Dude so let's get to work._

Yeah, yeah...

So, anyways, remember when I asked you guys whether or not you'd like some kind of guide to writing?

_That again?_

Yes, that. Shut up, it's a good idea. Well, I finally got some docs written for it. They're all linked to the hub google doc posted below.

Docs*google*com/document/d/1U_IXoqKGB7bTv51rv763c6 oEsjLTfZgVAQnkEZzgRZk

_All challengers please read._

I'll be posting bits and pieces for it whenever I finish something, and I'll try to cover a lot of topics so there aren't any gaps. But you know, I'm not going to come up with everything. So, if you guys think of something you'd like me to cover, throw me a message on why you think it's important for fanfiction writers to know.

If you've got a good argument for it, or think of something that should be added to an existing topic, I'll write something up and post it on the hub! And if you like what you see, feel free to steal a link for it and post it wherever you please. It only helps people improve if they read it.

_Maybe I'll take a look myself._

We can all use improvement. I certainly don't claim to be the expert. Just someone who wants to help others improve.

Anyways, have we covered all our bases?

_We've rounded third and sliding for home._

We're bottom of the ninth, loaded bases, and our sultan of swing is stepping up to the plate. Let's go for a grand slam!

I'm the Animaniac Dude,

_And I am MajinHentaiX,_

Saying thank you for sticking with us,

_And we hope our old fans stay steadfast and you new guys hold on and invite some friends._

... I was more thinking about thanking them for not reading yaoi, but advertising works too!

_Read,_ review _and all that jazz!_


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